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That afternoon, during last period algebra, Lottie had slipped her a note, folded into a little paper heart. As she took it from the brunette, Nat smiled to herself and quickly held it in her lap. Their teacher had eagle eyes when it came to note-passing, and Nat was both impressed and annoyed that Lottie would risk being reprimanded just to pass the same note every class. Unfolding it, Nat was careful not to tear the paper. She kept all of Lottie’s notes, even though they all said pretty much the same thing, and they looked a lot nicer on her bedroom shelf when they were in one piece.
Housekeeper gets off at 5:30 tonight <3 was written on the note in Lottie’s delicate, curling hand. Nat reached forward, disguising her movement as a stretch, and tapped Lottie’s right shoulder blade twice. After the second time they’d gotten caught trading notes, Nat had suggested Morse code communication rather than written, but Lottie had simplified it. One tap meant ‘no, can’t come tonight’, two meant ‘I’ll be there’. Nat felt Lottie sit up straighter with her second touch and she smiled. Barely paying attention through the rest of class, Nat packed up her stuff and was out the door before the bell was even finished ringing. She walked to her locker with purpose, as though her quick steps would make the clock turn faster, make 5:30 come sooner. Shoving her books into her locker, she slammed the door behind her and turned on her heel to leave. Instead of being greeted by empty space, Nat jumped when she bumped into a body.
“Hey, Nat.” Kevyn smiled dopily at her. “A few of us were gonna drive out to the bush tonight and fuck around a bit. Wanna come with?”
Nat blinked a couple of times, unsure how to respond. She and Lottie hadn’t exactly discussed that their hanging out was a secret, but it didn’t feel like something that she should tell Kevyn. It didn’t even feel like something she could really say out loud. How would she explain that she, Natalie Scatorccio, burnout stoner loser, was hanging out with Charlotte Matthews, the pretty-in-pink, people’s princess? Kevyn would laugh in her face. Sure, they were teammates, but she and Jackie were also teammates and there was no way in hell Nat would be caught spending any extra and unrequired time with her.
“Uh, sorry, Kev,” she replied, pushing past him. “Busy tonight.” She figured he’d take the hint and fuck off, but Kevyn was an exasperating combo of oblivious and stubborn.
“Dude, you’ve been ‘busy’, like, every night for the past month. Did you score something good that you’re keeping from us? What’s wrong with you?” Kevyn somehow managed to stick beside her, even as she wove through crowds she thought she could lose him in.
“Nothing is wrong, man. It’s soccer shit. Coach is up our asses with that big tournament coming up.” She wasn’t technically lying to him; Lottie was soccer stuff. And she figured that would be enough to get him off her back.
“Whatever, Nat. We’re meeting at Lee’s if you change your mind.” Kevyn raised his hand in a wave as he walked away, which Nat returned, rolling her eyes as soon as he was out of eyesight.
“Jesus,” she muttered under her breath, finally making her way out of the school. As she passed through the doors, she spotted Lottie hanging out against the wall with her friends, causing a swooping feeling in her abdomen. The tall brunette stuck out in her crowd who seemed deep in argument around her, probably over something stupid like who was allowed to have which signature perfume. Lottie didn’t look interested in the slightest and Nat caught herself smiling, which made her mentally kick herself. Why the hell do you care? She ducked her head to continue her walk home, trying her best to ignore the butterflies taking flight in her stomach.
—
Lottie had watched Nat rush out of class that afternoon, head down and bustling like the building was on fire. She, on the other hand, had taken her sweet time, chatting casually with her desk partner as she packed up her books, waving to her teammates as she walked back to her locker. She’d taken a second to reapply her lip gloss and to fix her hair before following her friends outside, where they stood around gossiping about two sophomores who had gotten caught hooking up in the janitor’s closet and trying to predict who would be at Jeff’s party later that week. She tried to hide how little she cared, laughing at the right times and saying the right things, but her entire being wanted away from that conversation. Her entire being wanted to be with the girl on the other end of the makeshift math class Morse code.
Once the group started to peel away, one at a time, she invited a couple of the girls over, knowing that they’d accept. Lottie knew that most of her friendships were shallow and transactional, girls playing nice because she had things to offer. But that’s what high school was, wasn’t it? People pretending to tolerate each other’s company to enjoy in-ground pools and unlocked liquor cabinets? Girls declaring themselves BFFs and then sleeping with each other’s boyfriends? Whatever her ‘friends’ wanted from her, they were a good distraction from her big empty house, and they were a good, ‘proper’ cover for the semi-questionable things she got up to when her parents were gone.
—
The routine was always the same: Nat went home alone to watch the clock; Lottie went home with her posse, so her housekeeper wouldn’t narc to her parents. It would’ve been pathetic, if Nat had cared. After the housekeeper left and Lottie got rid of her friends, Nat would walk to Lottie’s place, and they’d hang out.
Well, hang out was one word for it. They’d been hooking up for a few weeks, ever since they’d first kissed in the woods at a bush party at Jeff Sadecki’s. They’d been drunk or high or both and had barely known each other outside of soccer, but Lottie had asked to bum a cigarette off Nat, they’d gotten to talking, and their lips had found each other. Nat had assumed that they’d never speak of it again, that Lottie had been too messed up to know what she was doing or that she’d just been bored and fucking around, but the brunette had cornered her in the locker room the next day after soccer practice and invited her over to the Matthews’ McMansion. Lottie was alone in the house most of the time, aside from the dog and the staff (which was insane in itself), and Nat had been kinda awestruck over how much Lottie’s parents apparently trusted their daughter. The girls had sat around and chatted for a couple hours, trying out the pool table and the foosball and the massive TV, before Lottie had finally made the move that Nat was too nervous to. Nat had to say, the Matthews’ opulent basement made for a much better make-out experience than a fallen tree in Jeff’s backyard. The pattern had repeated for weeks, eventually evolving into note-passing in math class, rather than manufactured ‘oh, I guess we’re the last two in here’ conversations in the locker room after practice, and Nat had spent the majority of her evenings at the Matthews’ for the past month.
Nat was fine with the arrangement, with sneaking over to Lottie’s, with spending her evenings on a couch in her basement or on a counter in her kitchen. They talked - more than she really talked to anyone else – and they laughed and they messed around until Nat noticed Lottie was getting tired and she called it a night. She’d walk back to her place, check that her mom hadn’t drunk herself to death (just to sleep), and lay in bed until she fell asleep. The next day, she’d hope that Lottie dropped the same note on her desk, so they could do it again.
Nat wasn’t really sure what they were doing, only that she enjoyed it. She liked talking to Lottie, she liked hearing her laugh, and she definitely liked kissing her. She’d never really had close female friends and learning the ropes of it all was easy with Lottie. Sure, it was fun to smoke with Lee and Michael, and yeah, Kevyn knew a lot about music, but it was different with Lottie, and not just because she smelled like vanilla and lemons instead of pot and cigarettes. Kissing Lottie was more fun, talking to Lottie was more fun, playing stupid games and watching stupid movies with Lottie was more fun. Nat was pretty sure whatever was happening meant more to her than it did to Lottie, and she didn’t take any moment of it for granted. At any moment, Lottie could get bored and move on, and Nat was already preparing herself for how much that would hurt.
—
Nat sat in her room for what felt like hours, trying and failing to focus on the math homework that she knew Lottie was doing too. She couldn’t focus on the factoring problems in front of her and she looked up at the clock every few minutes, swearing that time was moving more slowly just to piss her off. After taking an hour and a half to finish three algebra problems, Nat sighed and closed her book. There was no point in staring at the paper, she didn’t understand whatever concept they were working on, and she couldn’t focus well enough to learn it.
“Fuck this, man.” She muttered to herself as she shoved her books back in her bag and kicked it into the corner of her bedroom. Another look at the clock told her it was just after four, which was technically late enough to start getting ready to walk over to Lottie’s.
After changing her shirt three times and her jeans twice, Nat began her walk. It was further than she’d let on to the other girl, not wanting Lottie to know how much effort she was actually putting into their ‘casual’ hooking up. She enjoyed the walk, though. She put her headphones on, blasted her music, and admired the houses that were so much nicer than her own. She tried to take secluded streets, both to minimize the chances of running into someone she knew and having to explain why she was in the neighbourhood, and to stay out of sight of Lottie’s nosy neighbours. After her first few visits to the Matthews’ house, waiting nervously on the front step for Lottie to let her inside, the other girl had told Nat just to go through the backyard, that the back door was almost always unlocked. Nat always checked the driveway, though, just to be 100% sure that Lottie’s friends and the housekeeper were gone, before stepping anywhere near the backyard. Once she was sure that Lottie was home alone, she pulled open the sliding back door and was met with a smiling Lottie.
“Hi, Nat.” Lottie grinned at her, shutting the door behind her guest.
Lottie’s grin was contagious, and Nat couldn’t help but return it. “Hey, Lot.”
Lottie looked at her for a beat, taking in the smaller girl standing in front of her, before rushing forward to kiss her. Both her hands grabbed at Nat’s head as she attacked her lips like a starving animal. Initially startled, Nat settled herself and kissed Lottie back, breathing in the vanilla and citrus scent of the other girl. She settled her hands on Lottie’s hips, slipping them slightly under the hem of her shirt, which drew goosebumps and a small moan from the other girl. Lottie pulled her closer and grabbed at her hair, her neck, her jaw like it was her only tether to Earth. Nat could feel Lottie’s deep breaths, her desperate kisses making Nat grin against her lips. While Lottie had a gentle persona – she was kind and sensitive, always smiling and helping someone with something – she was different when it was just her and Nat. She was in control, she was rougher, more passionate. Less palatable to the world, maybe, but Nat loved it. She loved that there was something deeper, a hidden part of Lottie, that she’d unlocked.
“Hi,” Lottie said as she finally pulled away, her voice gravelly and her breathing heavy.
“Hi.” Nat smiled devilishly, eying Lottie’s reddened lips and the glint in her brown eyes.
Lottie ran her hands down her shirt, smoothing it out, and cleared her throat. She bit her lip as she spoke. “I, uh, I like your hair.” She reached out and twirled a piece of Nat’s bleached hair, freshly cut, between her fingers.
“Thanks, Lot,” Nat chuckled. “I skipped first period to re-do it.”
“Yeah, well, it looks really good. Maybe I’ll get you to do mine someday.”
Nat could see the traces of a smile dancing across Lottie’s lips. “Oh, fuck off,” she pushed the other girl away lightly, causing a storm of giggles to break. The sound of it made her grin. “You couldn’t pull it off, you smile too much,” Nat teased.
Lottie scoffed, trying to hide a smile. “I can be mean and scary like you, if I really want to. Just so happens that I have a lot of things to smile about.” She reached out and grabbed Nat’s hand, turned on her heel, and led the other girl into the kitchen. Nat allowed herself to be pulled, like a puppy following behind its master, despite having memorized the house weeks ago. She had committed it to memory after the first few times she’d visited, terrified that the whole thing was an elaborate trick that her mind was playing on her.
They settled easily into their routine, Lottie grabbing them a Coke from the fridge and Nat grabbing them each a glass from the cupboard. They’d started sharing a can after figuring out that while Lottie liked the taste, the fizz upset her stomach if she had too much, and Nat hated taking too much from someone, even when they offered. Every little thing Nat learned about Lottie made her heart swell, but also fed into the pit in her stomach, the pit that was so worried about Lottie dropping her like a toy she was bored of.
“So, Nat, I have a surprise for you.” Lottie bent over behind the kitchen island, resting her head on her hands.
“Yeah? Is the surprise how much you love Coke? Because I hate to tell you, but that’s not a surprise.” Nat smirked as she split the drink between their glasses, pouring Lottie just a little bit more.
“No, that’s not the surprise, you loser.” Lottie scrunched her nose at Nat. “I got some weed from my friend, from one of her trips somewhere. I figured we could smoke and listen to that album you were telling me about. The one with that weird-looking angel on it?”
Nat’s head snapped up to look at Lottie across from her. “You’re kidding, Lot. In Utero? Nirvana? I left that tape at home today. You should’ve told me!” In Utero was one of Nat’s favourite albums, perfect for both blaring through headphones while her dad yelled and stomped around or for blasting through the speakers in Kevyn’s grandma’s hand-me-down car on the way to Lee’s.
Lottie smiled slyly. “I also skipped first period today, I went to the record store and grabbed a copy of it.” She reached behind her and grabbed a brown paper bag that Nat hadn’t seen when she’d walked in. Lottie slid it across the counter and Nat snatched it up, almost tearing the paper in her rush to open it.
“Holy fuck, Lot. You actually did.” Nat breathed out, full of disbelief, staring down at the record in her hands. “I’m, uh, I’m surprised you remembered.”
“You were really excited when you were talking about it the other day. I figured you could show me what all the hype is about.” Lottie smiled softly, taking in the soft reaction of the normally stoic and gruff girl across from her. Nat rarely showed this much excitement over anything, at least in front of other people, and the smile dancing across her lips was more than enough to send Lottie’s stomach into a cartwheel. She couldn’t tell how much of the churning was the carbonation of her Coke, how much was happiness that Nat liked the surprise, and how much was something else.
“Oh, Lot, this is amazing. Thank you.” Nat finally looked up at the girl standing across from her and met her eyes. Nat flushed under the soft gaze of the opposing brown eyes. “Thank you,” she repeated, more softly. “It, uh, it means a lot.”
“Of course, Nat. I hope it’s the right one. The employee helped me and I’ll bust his teenage nuts if it’s wrong.” Lottie grinned at Nat’s reddening cheeks. “C’mon, my dad got a new player, you’ll love it.” She grabbed Nat’s hand again and led her out of the kitchen, the smaller girl smiling widely as she let herself be guided.
—
Of course she had remembered. Lottie hung onto Nat’s every word. For weeks, she'd been slowly getting closer to the other girl, carefully chiselling her way through Nat’s rock-solid shell, searching for something to bring them closer. Lottie knew Nat was keeping her at an arm’s distance, but she didn't know what she could do to show her that she wanted to know more, to be closer, to go deeper. So when Nat had mentioned the album, a few words in a story about something else, Lottie had pounced. Telling Nat she’d skipped first period wasn’t technically a lie, she had just also skipped second. And she had grabbed a copy at the record store, it'd just been the third one she went to. The expression on Nat’s face, the candid mixture of shock and excitement, the disbelief and honest appreciation in her eyes and her smile, had been worth the detention she knew was coming tomorrow from her French teacher. That look would be worth detention every day for the rest of high school.
—
“Lottie?” Nat whispered, tearing the brunette out of her intense staring contest with the dog on the floor next to her. Kurt Cobain’s rough vocals tumbled softly through the air around them, creating a bubble around the living room.
“Yeah, Nat? What’s the matter?” Lottie lazily rolled over towards her, well, whatever she was to Lottie, and was met with wide eyes, brimming with tears. She shot up into a sitting position, immediately concerned, and felt her own high dissipating as she took in the scene in front of her. “Jesus, Nat, what happened? Are you okay?”
“I- I don’t know. My chest really hurts, Lot, and my arms…” Nat choked out. Her breath was coming rapidly, and Lottie could tell that she was shaking like a leaf, even from her spot a few feet away.
“Hey, hey,” Lottie scooted closer, across the hardwood floor, “it’s okay. You’re okay.” She reached out and gently placed her hand on Nat’s back, feeling the other girl flinch beneath her. She began to rub slow, gentle circles, the same way her grandma had done when she was a little girl having what turned out to be panic attacks. “You’re safe, Nat.”
“Lottie, what’s happening to me?” Nat whimpered, tears dangerously close to spilling over. She shifted and leaned into Lottie’s touch, which felt like the only thing grounding her in her body.
“I think it’s a bad high, babe. ” Lottie said softly, wrapping her other arm around Nat’s small frame and pulling her in. “You’re okay,” she repeated.
Nat was still shaking and breathing quickly and Lottie could feel wetness against her arm as the other girl’s tears started to fall. Lottie held her as she began to sob in her grasp. “Lottie, Lottie, please don’t leave.” Nat choked out the words between the sobs that wracked her body. “Please don’t leave,” she repeated, holding onto the tanned arm that was wrapped around her. “I don’t feel good, Lot, please help me, please stay.”
Lottie pressed a light kiss on the top of Nat’s head before resting her cheek there. “I’m not going anywhere, Nat. Don’t worry, baby. I’m not going anywhere.” She began to stroke Nat’s hair, feeling the other girl lean into her. “Can you breathe with me, Nat? I’m gonna put my hand on your back and we can breathe together, slowly. Okay? Can you do that with me?” She felt Nat nod against her chest, even through her shaking sobs. She moved her hand away from Nat’s choppy blonde hair and down her back, resting between her shoulder blades. She worked her way through some of the breathing exercises that her psychiatrist had given her and watched the candle they’d lit slowly burn down, feeling Nat’s rapid movement slow in her arms.
“Okay, Nat, I-” Lottie’s soft words were cut off by Nat sitting up to meet her eyes and put a finger to her lips. “No noise?” She whispered. Nat shook her head softly, to which Lottie nodded and smiled gently. She pulled Nat back in and kissed the top of her head again, breathing in the sweet scent of her shampoo. Time passed, as it tends to do, but Lottie just sat and held the smaller girl in her arms, even as side B of In Utero came to a close.
Eventually, Nat straightened up, though she reached for Lottie’s hand and held it tightly. “Lot?” She asked in a small voice, “Can I stay here tonight? I can sleep on the couch or on the floor, I just don’t want to go home. I can’t walk home.” She rambled softly, pleading her case until Lottie dropped her grasp and took her face in her hands.
“Absolutely, loser. I would never make you leave. And no couch, no floor. I have room in my bed,” She planted a kiss on Nat’s forehead, “Come on.” Lottie rose and offered an outstretched hand to a still-seated Nat. “Let’s tuck in.”
Nat gratefully accepted the hand offered to her and again let Lottie lead her to another part of the house. Operating numbly, she took the pyjamas she was offered, an oversized merch shirt from a band she didn’t recognize, and didn’t even notice that Lottie turned away when Nat began to shed her own jeans and t-shirt. She let Lottie guide her to the bed, help her lay down, and tuck the blankets around her, and didn’t resist or even really register Lottie brushing the hair off her face and tucking it behind her ear.
“Thank you, Lot,” she whispered, staring into Lottie’s kind brown eyes and hoping her true gratitude, the gratitude that she didn’t even have the energy to fully express, was visible in her own. “Thank you for everything.”
Lottie smiled softly, trying her hardest to decode what was hiding behind the perpetual walls in Nat’s eyes and mind. “I can’t believe this is the first time I’ve had you in my bed,” she teased, watching Nat’s face soften into a smile. “I’ve imagined it so many ways, but shitty foreign weed was not at the top of my list.”