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The grass beneath your fingertips feels soft as you lean back to stare up at the mesmerizing moons of Ossus, their luminous glow casting an ethereal light upon the hill you rest on. A cool breeze kisses your skin, eliciting a soft inhale as you bask in the tranquility of the night. The distant laughter and chatter of your fellow Jedi padawans by the bonfire is carried by the wind, a comforting sound.
Ben sits beside you, his warmth washing over you, as the two of you enjoy the serenity of each other’s company. The two of you parted from the others for a quiet moment to just be together with no expectations, no training regimens, and no obligations as Jedi apprentices. It’s simply a stolen moment of respite, where it’s just you and him.
You turn to face Ben, but the face that greets you is no longer the youthful countenance of Ben Solo. Instead, it’s the hardened visage of Kylo Ren. His deep voice cuts through the silence, a hint of tiredness rests within it.
“You dream of this moment a lot.”
You’re surprised by Kylo’s presence in your dream, you weren’t aware that such an occurrence was possible inside the Force. But you can't summon the anger or defensiveness that usually shields you when you’re around him. The fight against the reality of your situation has left you exhausted, no strength to continue to resist.
“What are you doing here?” The question escapes your lips, your voice devoid of its usual sharpness. Instead, it carries a tinge of resignation, an acceptance that you’re his prisoner whether it’s in your dreams or in the waking world. As he told you all those months ago when you were first captured, there is no place you can go where he will not find you, there is no escape. You may not be in a holding cell anymore, but a gilded cage is no less a prison, even when adorned with opulence and beauty.
Kylo’s gaze lingers on yours, seemingly searching for something within the depths of your eyes. When he finds what he seeks, he responds, his voice emotionless and frigid as the ice planet he found you on.
“Your mind plays these memories as dreams, projecting them into mine. Usually I can block them out, but tonight it’s particularly strong.”
You don’t bother asking him why he decided to invade your mind, a sigh passing through your nose as you turn back to look at the moon, unable to bear the weight of his presence. It hurts to know that it’s not your Ben beside you, to accept what he’d become.
“I’m trying to rebuild my mental shields… but it’s been a long time since I’ve used the Force like that.” You sound almost defeated as you reply. Your longing for a bygone time, for something that exists only in memories like this one, is tangible in the air. There’s no doubt in your mind he can sense it even without the Force.
He hums at your response, the sound a soothing timbre as he also turns to gaze out into the star littered sky.
After a beat, he speaks again. “I have something for you.” From the depths of his robes, he produces a beautiful necklace, extending it toward you.
Your eyes soften at the sight, and although it’s not Ben who gifts it to you in this moment, Kylo reenacts the scene just as you remember. You’re unsure why he plays along but you don’t question it.
“Oh Ben, it’s beautiful…” A breathless sigh escapes your lips as you take in the delicate craftsmanship. He says, nothing about your use of that name, no twitch of the eye that warns you of his annoyance. So you continue, “What’s the occasion?”
“I wanted you to have something to remember me by, this me, here with you.”
A part of you wanted to end it here, to spare yourself the anguish of this charade. His voice, his face, his expression—it’s all wrong. And yet, a profound yearning courses through your veins, preventing you from stopping this bittersweet masquerade.
“Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye? I know you’re going to be busy with your duties as a Jedi Knight, but we’ll keep in touch… won’t we?”
Kylo remains silent, his gaze cast downward just like before. Panic spreads to every inch of your being, an echo from your younger self, detached from your present emotions.
“Ben—” Your words falter as he cuts you off, drawing nearer to place the necklace gently around your neck. You observe him, the darkness that once haunted his youthful face, the same darkness that was present that night, was nowhere in sight now. He had long embraced it, becoming one with it. Back then, you could have never guessed what the darkness would lead him to do. It was your one regret, not being able to help him fight it.
Kylo withdraws, observing you in turn. A brief flash of your young self—a trick of the Force he thinks—with sorrow etched into your expression at his former self’s silence to your question appears before him. In an instance the image dissipates, leaving only your present self. Your features sunken and skin pale. Despite what the circumstances of which the two of you find yourselves in—you as his prisoner and him as your captor—Kylo couldn’t bear to keep letting you wither away like this.
A sensation washes over you, a tinge of sadness that you suspect isn’t your own, but rather his. As quickly as it arrives, the feeling vanishes, leaving you guessing whether you felt it at all.
“Thank you,” You whisper softly, your words carrying a dual meaning, not only enacting the scene as it happened but gratitude to him for indulging whatever this was. “I’ll always cherish it.” True to your word, the necklace is still with you even after all these years. Safely tucked away in your room, the only item you wore when you were captured.
Kylo nods, just as he did before, and together you both turn your attention back to the endless expanse of the night sky. Silence once again envelopes the two of you, the memory now complete, yet the dream does not end and neither of you wake.
“I loved him.” The admission spills forth, unexpected and raw, as if drawn from the depths of your soul. You’re uncertain why you feel compelled to share it with Kylo, perhaps to do what you couldn’t all those years ago. “That night, I was going to tell him how I felt… but the words wouldn’t come out. I was terrified of holding him back, that my feelings were a burden. And he already seemed to be at war with himself, I couldn’t add my feelings for him into the mix.”
You could feel his piercing gaze on you once more as a tear rolled down your cheek. Kylo reaches out, catching it with the back of his hand. When he moves to retract it, you go to cling to his fingers, leaning into the touch.
“There was no one after you—him.” You rasp.
It’s wrong, you know it. This man before you isn’t Ben. You shouldn’t be seeking comfort in Kylo Ren after all that he’s done, after killing all of his fellow students, your former master, and after keeping you prisoner aboard the Finalizer. And yet, his touch brings solace to your weary soul.
You open your teary eyes to see his reaction to your grip, Kylo’s eyes had not left you, now an indescribable emotion was buried inside the amber pools. He says nothing for a few more moments before speaking, his voice unnaturally soft. However, his next words left you reeling, hand dropping from yours.
“He loved you too.”
You quietly sob as this revelation. Various emotions cycle through you at once: pain, longing, sorrow, mourning, and finally acceptance. ‘He loved you too’, those simple words freed you from the shackles of your despair. While it would not fix all that was broken within you, the feelings that still linger, it marks your first step toward moving forward.
Even though in the back of your mind you questioned what Kylo’s intent was by helping you in this way, you were grateful to him for allowing this to you. You told him as much, a small but genuine smile playing upon your lips.
His surprise is evident, Kylo thought he might never get to see you smile again. But there it was, sitting prettily upon your face. Before he could say anything else, the world around you began to blur.
You woke in your chamber, tears staining your face and bed spread. For the first time in years you awoke with a lightness within you. You were ready to rediscover who you were and more importantly, what you’d with your life going forward. Will you continue to be a prisoner, or would you join him?