Work Text:
Detective Fitzroy knocked smartly on Inspector Wellington's open office door as the church bells neighbouring Scotland Yard rang out for noon. He entered, holding a few slim files in his hands.
“Afternoon Detective, what do you have for me today?” William asked looking up from his cluttered desk.
“Good afternoon, Sir: a break-in at a watchmakers, a young woman reported missing since last week and the death of an unidentified man.”
“Tell me about the unidentified man.”
“His body was discovered by his landlady early this morning. The room was locked and she had not admitted him in. I attended the scene and questioned every person there present after which the body was removed to the City Morgue. After examination, Mr Potts stated the cause of death as a blow to the back of the head though it was inconclusive as to whether it was murder or self-inflicted by a fall.”
Fitzroy hesitated and shuffled his feet. He quite obviously had more to say but looked uncertain.
William eyed him. “What is it, Detective? Spit it out.”
“Er, there was a witness to the events in the room, Sir, waiting in the interview room now.”
“Splendid, Detective.” William rose from his desk and motioned to him. “Lead on.”
As they approached the interview room William could see Detective Phelps and a few other men lingering at the door, laughing, and a cacophony of noise and shouts coming from the room.
“Get back to work,” the Inspector barked. His men jumped to it but there were a few backwards glances and chuckles as they exited the corridor. William walked through the door but was brought up short by the sight of a small grey parrot perched inside a large domed birdcage. William squeezed his eyes closed and muttered, “Please tell me you didn’t bring a parrot in for questioning?”
“Um, yes, Sir. It is an African grey parrot, Psittacus erithacus. They are extremely intelligent birds and my Great Aunt had the very same species. It could mimic many phrases and some believe this species has communicative competency."
William sighed, "Meaning?"
"That they are not mindless mimics, Sir. The parrot understands the basics of communication. This parrot is very talkative but we will require a translator. It is speaking a language that I am not familiar with.”
“SQUAWK! Sassenach!” shrieked the parrot. William’s expression changed from acute exasperation to shock then to Fitzroy’s utter surprise, William started to splutter with laughter.
“Sassenach?” he repeated.
“SQUAWK! Haud yer wheest!” replied the parrot.
William burst out laughing again, “That parrot, Detective Fitzroy, is speaking Scots. It called you an Englishman ...,”
“And a proud one, Sir!”
“ ... and then it told me to keep quiet.”
“I told you it was clever, Sir.”
“That may well be, but that parrot doesn’t understand what it’s saying,” William argued.
“SQUAWK! Awa and bile yer heid!” shouted the parrot. William's eyebrows shot up in surprise. He paused and gave it a thoughtful look.
“Right, I’ll allow it. Sit with the parrot and write down everything it says and I’ll translate your notes later.” He moved towards the door shaking his head, “Only you would bring in a parrot for questioning.”
Fitzroy beamed, “Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir!”
“SQUAWK! Dinna fash yersel’,” squawked the parrot to William’s retreating back.
~🦜~
Eliza timed her Scotland Yard visit for William’s three o’clock whisky. He was generally more relaxed and amenable at that time of day and often more likely to assist her with her cases. She walked up to William’s office, about to throw open the door, but paused as she heard an unfamiliar sound emanating from within. Could it be laughter? She walked in to see the unusual but not unwelcome sight of the Inspector grinning with his feet up on his desk holding a sheet of paper.
He beckoned her in. "Come away in, Eliza.”
“Goodness, William, did I hear you laughing?”
He grinned at her. “Aye, you did. Fitzroy brought in a parrot that might have witnessed a crime and he’s been transcribing everything the parrot says. Its owner must have been Scottish and I’m translating. I haven’t heard these sayings since I was wee. Listen to this one: ‘awa an bile yer heid’. He snorted. “That means ‘get lost’ but the literal meaning is ‘away and boil your head’.
Eliza looked perplexed.
“How about this one, ‘dinna fash yersel’!” He smirked, “It means ‘calm down’.”
Eliza couldn’t help joining him in his laughter. “Well, clearly you are enjoying yourself but do you think the testimony of a parrot will solve your case?”
“Detective Fitzroy’s case,” he corrected. “Fitzroy obvious feels there is something there worth pursuing. He’s using his gut instincts, which I applaud, no matter how unorthodox his methods.” He smiled. “I haven’t translated anything that suggests a crime has been committed but I like the way Fitzroy thinks. He approaches problems from a very different perspective. It’s quite refreshing.” He shrugged.
“I think you might be the only person who has given him the chance to prove himself his way, William,” she said fondly. They smiled at each other. "I would like to meet this loquacious parrot, if I may?” William escorted Eliza to the interview room where she was greeted heartily by Oliver Fitzroy.
“Good afternoon, Miss Scarlet. Any luck, Sir?”
“Nothing to suggest a crime. I think your interview with the parrot is over now.” Eliza bent down to better look at the parrot and wiggled her slim finger through the bars to say hello.
“SQUAWK! Gonnae no dae that!” screeched the parrot. Eliza quickly retracted her finger.
“That’s a new one. I haven’t heard that phrase before, Sir.”
“SQUAWK! Gonnae no dae that! Gonnae no dae that!”
“That translates as ‘don’t do that’,” William mused.
SQUAWK! Gonnae no dae that! Gonnae no dae that, Mr Cartwright!”
William and Eliza froze and met each other’s eyes. Fitzroy frantically rifled through his notepad. “Cartwright is the landlady’s brother-in-law!” he shouted out in excitement.
“Go get him, Detective Fitzroy,” encouraged William, grinning at Eliza as Fitzroy scrambled out of the room, grabbing his hat.
~🦜~
"... the parrot made me do it!” shouted Cartwright as he was dragged away from the interview room to the cells.
“Well, Detective?” asked William standing outside the door.
“It was voluntary manslaughter, Sir. He admitted renting out the room to Captain Murdo MacDonald when his sister-in-law was elsewhere. A scuffle broke out over something the parrot said and Captain MacDonald fell back and hit his head on the bedframe. Mr Cartwright locked the room back up and fled the scene.”
“Well done, Detective. You solved the case in record time and certainly earned your pints in the pub this evening.” Fitzroy beamed at the praise as William called out to Detective Phelps. “Charlie, take the lad to the Fat Goose and I’ll be down in a bit.”
“Right you are, Skipper. Come on, last to the pub gets the drinks in.” The two men turned to walk down the corridor.
“After you, Charlie, you sassenach,” joked Fitzroy.
“Whatcha call me?” Detective Phelps growled as he squared up to him with a thunderous expression on his face.
“No, no, Charlie,” Oliver yelped holding his hands up to placate an insulted Detective Phelps. “It means ‘Englishman’ in old Scots, in Gaelic. The parrot has been saying it ...” The two men disappeared down the corridor. .
William chuckled, tiredly shaking his head, and headed back to his office to lock up. He was surprised by a powerful clap on the back from a smiling Superintendent Munro.
“What’s this I hear of Detective Fitzroy solving a case? And all in one day!”
“Aye, Sir. He did well. Even his father would be proud of him.”
“I doubt that’ll ever happen, laddie, but at least he's no longer an albatross around our necks. Well done, Wellington. You’ve done something I couldn’t do and that’s make a detective out of him. I never thought I’d see the day.” Never had William received so much praise from one of his superiors. He felt quite stunned but reinvigorated as Munro walked with him. “I’ll need to take a keek at this parrot for myself. What’s going to happen to it?”
“Now that Fitzroy has the captain’s name he’ll try to trace former shipmates but meantime he’d like to look after the parrot himself. I think he hopes to eventually claim it. Apparently his hero, Byron, had a parrot, amongst other things ...”
The End
Glossary
Sassenach: This Gaelic word means ‘foreigner’ but in my experience it is most often used in the context of an English person.
Haud yer wheest: Be quiet
Awa and bile yer heid: Away and boil your head/Get lost
Dinna fash yersel': Don’t worry yourself/Calm down
Gonnae no dae that: Don’t do that
Keek: A quick look