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Her heart
His soul
Both were gone.
Kazuha had left Sumeru for the last time, six months ago, but for Nilou it felt like yesterday. The letter’s had stopped being delivered a month after he departed, her calls for his return were never to be heard. The sleepless nights without his warmth longing for him to be close again, the longing to wake up and he would be beside her. She looked out of her window as the sun slowly rose, a deep pain ringing within her chest, something was wrong.
She got out of the bed and slowly got ready for the day, she looked at herself in the mirror and shuttered at how bad she looked, her usual clear perfect skin was riddled with dark circles and acne from sleeping so much. She stepped into the bathroom, a soft light coming through the small window at the top of the wall shining onto her delicate features. She hadn’t moved any of his things since he left, since he stopped replying, his toothbrush sat beside hers, his comb beside her own, everything that she now did alone she used to do with him. Before she could even process the pain, she sobbed, her knees felt weak and she collapsed in their bathroom. Nilou was one to see the positive in everything, to not think of the bad things until that was all she could think of. Her heartbeat was too fast for her liking as her breathing grew ragged, he wasn’t coming home, her lover was gone, that was the only reason she could think of why he had yet to return to their home.
Nilou lifted her head and she swore she saw the familiar movement of Kazuha’s slow morning movement’s in the corner of her eye. She looked outside the bathroom door into the hallway, there was nothing there, he wasn’t there. She got up onto her face after the crying had come to a halt, she wiped her face and breathed in deeply before continuing what was once a shared routine. The rest of the day was, okay, in Nilou’s eyes. She did not break down again until that night when a stranger had visited with a dulled vision. She would soon find out that the person was Beidou, Kazuha had spoken about her before, she was described as loud and kind, but could be stern if she needed to be. His chosen family had been the one to give her his vision, his ambition, and she could not help but cry once more. As her worst fears were brought to light the taller women had embraced her tightly, speaking to her in a gentle tone, one of tenderness and a sisterly love.
The following days were torture, she found herself sleeping more, eating less, her eyes were beginning to burn from the amount of tears she had shed. Countless nights she lay awake waiting for the door to open and for him to come to bed, countless nights of unheard prayers that her lover would return once more. She didn’t know how much longer it would take for her to shatter, she had been cracking for months, the cracks now filled with tears and the painful screams of that were caused by the onslaught of nightmares of her lover’s corpse. His funeral would be held in Inazuma, she was asked to attend, to speak, how was one to face their first love for the last time as their corpse? How was one to breathe when they were not to breathe with them, to love, to fight, to care, to exist when the one they existed for was no longer there except in their dreams.
How was Nilou supposed to go on without him there?
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The funeral came by too fast, it felt surreal, she felt ill as if she would faint at any moment. Beidou had treated her to some tea before the funeral, they talked about Kazuha, how they were dealing with his sudden death. They talked about where he would be buried, beside Tomo, his friend. That was until Beidou broke, silent tears falling down her face as Nilou met her gaze, they were so much alike it was painful. Nilou wanted to go home, she wanted to be under her covers where she had been living for almost a year now. While in Inazuma she had met some of Kazuha’s friends, they all spoke highly of him, of how he spoke highly of her; the girl with the beautiful red hair that moved like ocean waves when she danced, a living reminder of the sea, his home.
At the actual burial Nilou had found herself at the front of the crowd, she had to be held back from climbing into the grave with him, screaming for him to wake up, to come back to her. But her screaming dwindled down into soft “no’s” , her broken sobs causing others to turn and give her space. But Nilou didn’t want space, she wanted Kazuha, her love that was now buried beside his friend. Since the night she was given his vision she had carried it everywhere, she had it clutched to her chest now, begging for it to return to the calming teal color of Anemo that she had grown to find comfort in.
Was this what love was? Was love supposed to hurt at such a young age? What was one supposed to do without their person gone so soon, as if someone took her heart and tore the part that belonged to Kazuha out of her chest. It was empty, their, her, house, it was only her now, right, no more soft laughter in the kitchen or slow dancing in the hallway, it was just her. She didn’t want to be home again, she wished that she was buried with Kazuha, just to be next to him, just to hold him again. Why was fate so cruel as if to take her happiness? The home that was once filled with love and dedication now felt empty and hollow, an echo chamber of what it was like to grieve for someone only you could touch, only you could hold. Nilou felt as if she was just an extension to the house, someone simply occupying the space instead of someone living in it.
She didn’t understand why her fate was so cruel, why Kazuha was gone, maybe this was a cruel joke and he would come home with a beautiful bouquet of flowers just for her. Then she would no longer have to search the theater for him because she knew he would already be there, she would no longer have to only make meals for one and could go back to cooking for the both of them. But here she was, the center of her second home, eyes lost in the crowd looking for him, searching for the short man with the red streak in his hair, the man that carried the scent of lavender melon and the sea breeze no matter where he went, the smell of home. When she could not spot him she left the stage defeated, she looked back at the people and swore she saw him, his gaze gentle as if to lead her to somewhere more secluded. She followed the strange hallucination version of the man to Razan Gardens, her heart stopped, he was looking at the flowers like the first time they came here,
“Why did you take me here”
She felt crazy, talking to what seemed to be a hallucination, another trick in her brain that she couldn’t turn off
”Nilou these are beautiful, thank you for bringing me here”
She watched the man softly, her shoulders dropping, it was a memory, the work of Lesser Lord Kusanali
”Nilou? Darling, why are you crying?”
His voice was soft, he felt real, he looked real, he looked and talked like the real Kazuha but Nilou knew deep down it wasn’t him, it was a dream
“I’m not sure, my light, you just look so happy being here”
Her voice wavered, she reached out to touch him and when her hand didn’t go through her eyes widened. She couldn’t stop herself from hugging the Anemo user tightly, holding him as if it would be the last time she could ever do this, and in a way she was right.
”Nilou, of course I’m happy, you’re here with me right now, but I need you to wake up soon”
Nilou’s heart dropped, waking up, waking up to be alone again without him near. She held him tighter and hid her face against his chest, a broken sob escaping her
“I don’t want to wake up if you’re not there”
”My sun, you were never alone, I’ve always been with you, you know that, you just didn’t want to accept it”
Acceptance… Nilou did not want that, she did not want anything, but acceptance was the first step in healing right? To accept that Kazuha was dead was to accept that she would never share morning with him again, she would never wake up to soft kisses across her face, no more slow dancing in the dark, no one late night book reading sessions, no more falling asleep tucked against his chest, no more them.
”I love you, I would never leave you, under the bed there is a box, a gift I would have given you if I was still there. You will never be alone I promise”
And like that, she was back in her home, the soft scent of the sea breeze lingering in the air as she quickly got up and went under the bed. Once she found the box her eyes widened, it was… small. Kazuha and her initials were inscribed at the top, the box barely fit into the palm of her hand. She was scared that when she opened the box everything would come down on her, as she opened the box just to peek she quickly shut it with a broken cry. A promise ring. Kazuha had planned on giving her a promise ring, the one he had picked out was a maple leaf the other a lotus flower like the one on her back. She opened the box again and took the maple ring out, she carefully slipped it onto her ring finger and simply stared at it for a few moments. She laid her head down against the mattress, she held the other ring close to her chest before quickly getting up and running to their kitchen. There she dug through a small basket of miscellaneous items they had both brought home, when she found an old necklace chain, she took the maple leaf ring off and slid it on to the chain with the lotus flower ring.
The following week Nilou had started to go out more, she reintegrated into her social circle, offered condolences and given the support she needed. Beidou had sent her a letter saying that she was always welcome to get away from Sumeru for some time and visit Inazuma again, that all she had to do was send her a letter in Liyue within the next few weeks and that she would personally collect her from Port Ormos. Kazuha was gone, and that was okay for Nilou because she would survive. She would begin to visit Port Ormos more often and listen to the wind like Kazuha used to do, well not like how he did it, but it brought her serenity, it brought her peace being where he would like to rest one last time with her.
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