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How are you just meant to bring up the conversation and tell your boyfriends that you're depressed. That you've been depressed for so many months.
That the smiles you throw their way are fake and forced. That you're not getting help and you don't want it either.
Louis sat on his bed looking to the dark room in front of him. He scratched at his itchy wrist where angry scars and cuts danced up and down his forearms, both left and right.
The sun had set about two hours ago and the light from the hallway slipped under the door.
He heard chit-chat coming from the lounge room, along with some staged comedy show that had laughter every few seconds.
Louis bit his nails and looked out the window to his right. The moon was hidden between a large tree, but just starting to shine through the leaves.
He looked to the door as it opened, to reveal one of his boyfriends.
"Dinner's ready. You ready to eat?"
It was Liam.
Liam was the relationship's 'worrywart', if any of the boys ever felt sick or 'lost', they would go to Liam. Liam always knew what to do.
But Louis couldn't do that this time, he couldn't go to Liam and tell him his burdens.
He couldn't burden the boys with something that is clearly his fault.
He cleared his throat.
"Uh, yeah. Sure." He said with a forced smile.
Liam smiled back and nudged his heard towards the kitchen.
"C'mon then."
As they sat around the table, Zayn seemed a little tense.
"You alright, babe?" Liam asked with a frown.
Zayn looked up in shock. Unaware he was being spoken to.
"Uh, yeah. I-uh. Lou, I got a call from your doctor today. He said he booked you in for an appointment for Friday. Wanna tell us why?" He asked. He wasn't angry, he was more worried than anything else.
Liam looked frantically from Zayn to Louis.
"Why?! What happened? Louis, talk to us! What's wrong!"
Harry and Niall stayed quiet, just looking on from the sideline.
Louis sighed and put his fork on the side of his plate.
"I-" he couldn't even say a second word before his throat closed up, feeling like it was clogged.
Harry put his hands over top of Louis', trying to reassure him that everything was alright. That no one was angry.
Louis' eyes were sparkling with unshed tears.
"It's-its nothing. Nothing important anyway." He said with a cough.
"It didn't sound like 'nothing', Lou. The doctor said it was important." Zayn said.
"He's just exaggerating." Louis said, picking up his fork again and stabbing the piece of meat that sat on his plate.
"Lou, it's okay, just tell us." Niall encouraged.
Louis frowned. He closed his eyes and sighed.
"I-I've been feeling bad. Depressed. I didn't want to tell you guys. I didn't want to burden you." He whispered, but loud enough for them all to hear.
Liam's jaw flew open and his eyes grew, tears close to spilling out. How could he not have seen this?! He was meant to be the observant one. He was meant to know something wasn't right.
Liam stood up from his seat.
"Excuse me". He whispered before leaving the room.
"Liam, I'm sorry!" Louis yelled, standing up as he watched Liam leave.
"I'll go see if he's alright." Zayn said with a sigh.
Tears tumbled down Louis' cheeks.
"I really am sorry, Zayn." He sobbed.
"I know you are, Babe." Zayn kissed Louis before walking out of the room.
Niall and Harry looked to each other, unsure of what to do.
"Why don't you and Lou go to the lounge room while I clean up?" Harry said to Niall.
Niall nodded and got out of his seat. He walked to Louis and pulled him gently from the dinning room.
"I'm sorry, Niall." Louis sobbed into the younger boys neck.
"I know you are, love."
Niall walked to the lounge and pulled the older boy into his lap.
"I screwed up, Niall." Louis sobbed.
Niall ran a hand through Louis' hair.
"Shhh. It's alright. Everything's alright. You're okay. We're all just shocked, is all." The younger boy hushed.
Louis shook his head.
"It's not okay. I made him upset. I made you all upset." He sobbed into Niall's neck.
A hand rested on Louis' head, pulling him away from the younger boy.
Liam smiled to him.
"I'm not angry at you, babe." He said.
Louis sobbed and clung to him.
"I'll be better. I will." He mumbled incoherently.
Liam frowned and pulled Louis in tighter.
"Oh, Lou." He squeased his eyes shut to stop the tears from falling.