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It had been such a long time since he slept. Every night after the green-haired boy left, his thoughts just wouldn’t shut up and let his mind rest. Closing his eyes didn’t help when all he could think about was Deku and his letter.
And now the nerd had the fucking audacity to sleep right there in front of him, with his muscles relaxed, his mouth slightly agape, when Katsuki, now the stress of bringing him back gone, had barely the energy to stand up.
Seeing the boy safely tucked in half and half’s blanket had lifted a crushing weight over his chest.
Every single day, he had wondered how Deku rested, how he slept, if he ate enough to sustain himself. Clearly not by the way his cheeks had sunk and his body looked, even though his muscles were still there.
Food just wouldn’t slide down his throat knowing that the boy could be –probably was– not taking care of himself and pushing his body without having the nutrients he needed. He needed to remind himself daily that he needed to keep his strength if he wanted to bring Deku back. So he ate, he continued his workouts and morning runs as if everything was normal when it was actually the complete opposite.
Although he could order his body to eat and to exercise he couldn’t order it to sleep. Sleep didn’t come easily when he had that constant crippling anxiety under his skin. Everyone noticed the dark circles under the blonde’s eyes and worried about him but they didn’t comment on it knowing that he wouldn’t like it.
They didn’t know the complicated past, the tumultuous relationship he and Deku had.
When he was a brat, all he wanted was Deku to stop following him, to just leave him alone. And a month ago he had left. The fucker actually fucking left and decided to face everything all alone, like the self-sacrificing martyr he was.
Katsuki had been angry. But his anger couldn’t compare to how his chest felt weirdly constricted ever since he read the letter he found on his desk.
The moonlight cast its shadows on the common area now. He glanced at the clock and at the green-haired boy’s sleeping figure. It was almost 3 am. Everyone had long retracted to their room leaving him here unperturbed to rest.
Izuku seemed okay from the outside, except for the dark circles matching Katsuki’s. Looking closer though, with the moonlight drawing shadows on his face, one could see he was not completely relaxed. It felt like something kept eating away at him and Katsuki, having known the boy for so long, knew without a doubt what it was.
He sighed heavily and quietly sat himself down next to the sleeping boy, placing his elbows on his knees. Izuku stirred a little, his mouth making a small little noise of discomfort, but didn’t wake up.
Glancing at him, Katsuki got closer. Gazing at his freckles, he started counting them. 5,6,7…7 on the right side of his nose. 7,8,9…9 on the left side.
Just as he was about to start counting the subtle ones on his eyelids the boy’s eyelashes stirred, as if feeling someone’s presence beside him. His eyelids parted to reveal tired but beautiful emerald eyes.
“Kacchan?”
Voice slightly raspy from sleep, the greenet recognized almost instantly the blonde, even in the dark. Katsuki sighed and retreated back to lean his back on the couch.
“Just me nerd”.
Fidgeting a little and turning his head to look around, the boy asked
“W-what time is it?”
“Around 3 am, everyone already went to sleep, they probably didn’t want to disturb you.”
“Oh.”
For a while neither one of them talked. A comfortable silence settled.
The two boys stayed side by side, looking ahead, both of them full of thoughts and in dire need of sleep, of comfort, and even though they wouldn’t admit it, of touch.
“A-and you? Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“I just got thirsty and wanted to get some water”
The truth was that even though he knew Deku was back, that awful feeling of anxiety started to come back every time the boy was out of his sight. Even though rationally he knew that he was back in UA, safe, his emotions just got the best of him.
The green boy did nothing better than to read him like an open book though.
“You...Kacchan are you having trouble sleeping?” he asked softly.
The blonde turned his gaze towards him and sighed. There was no reason to deny it when the greenet knew him and his habits so well, more than his family even.
“Yeah.”
“Kacchan…”
“Well… I’ll go up now, you should go sleep in your bed Izuku, it’s not there for fucking decoration.”
Green eyes widened slightly with a soft gasp upon hearing his given name again coming from the mouth of his…what even were they? Enemies? Rivals? Friends?
Just as the blonde was standing up, a strong hand grabbed his wrist softly.
“Kacchan wait. I can’t sleep very well either. Let’s… talk a little, hmm? It’s not like we’re going to lose more sleep.”
He looked at the scarred hand holding onto him. It was scattered with scratches and small cuts from the time he was out there along with his earlier scars. Scars that were the proof of his hard work but also his selflessness.
Warmth spread on his wrist from where Izuku was holding onto him. His hand on his wrist was like an anchor holding him down so he wouldn’t get swept away by the angry tides of his emotions.
Katsuki gently took the boy’s hand in his own, it was softer than he expected. He settled back on the couch.
For a while neither one of them talked. A comfortable silence settled.
The two boys stayed side by side, looking ahead, both of them full of thoughts and in dire need of sleep, of comfort, and even though they wouldn’t admit it, of touch. So none of them broke the contact.
Suddenly half of the blanket was placed gently on the blonde’s legs. He looked at the smaller boy.
“Not cold nerd.”
“Oh…still, I think it brings a sense of comfort. You don’t like it?”
“Whatever.”
Both had a lot they wanted to ask, to reproach, and to get out of their mind but neither knew where to start.
“Kacchan…about the lette--”
“Don’t.” Katsuki stopped him midway. “I don’t need you to remind me of it again, it’s stuck in my head enough as it is.”
Izuku stayed silent for a while then started again.
“Are you angry at me?”
Katsuki suddenly let go of his hand and whipped his head. The frustration he was holding back finally snapped.
“Angry? I’m fucking furious De-Izuku” he almost let it slip again. Habits did die hard, don’t they?
“Or at least was. Do you know how I felt when I found out you ran away from the hospital, no one knowing where you were, with only some piece of fucking paper you gracefully left behind for us?”
He stood up, looking down at the green boy who had his big eyes fixated on him, his mouth opening as if he wanted to say something.
“Kacchan, I—“
“Do you know how I felt when you decided to take on the responsibility of everybody’s lives on your own fucking shoulders only like the self-sacrificing shit that you are, wondering if--when it would crush you under its weight? Wondering where you were, knowing fully well you weren’t taking care of yourself, probably not even eating properly, and prioritizing everyone else’s feelings but your own… It was exhausting Izuku, I couldn’t sleep for ages, still fucking can’t…”
His voice cracked and he started to feel…was that moisture in his eyes? He tried to calm himself down.
“Kacchan…” Izuku’s voice trembled, not having guessed that the blonde would be so heavily affected.
Katsuki opened his mouth to speak again but the greenet beat him to it.
“Kacchan… I know. I know and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to tell you guys what I was going to do to your faces. If I came back, I just… I just knew I wouldn’t be able to leave UA, my friends…you.”
He sniffled and continued, voice wobbly.
“Or maybe I knew you guys wouldn’t let me go and convince me otherwise. But I had to do it Kacchan. You have to understand. I had to- at least try to stop him, he was-- still is, destroying so much, so many…I just couldn’t let it happen.”
“Izuku—“
“I know.” He assured “I know now. I don’t have to bear that weight alone. I…truth is, I got some issues Kacchan…” His face contorted as if he was about to cry.
The blonde sighed and sat down again, this time closer to Izuku, his shoulder touching the other’s in the hope of bringing some comfort.
Izuku then put one knee on the sofa and turned his body to face Katsuki directly. He looked pensive.
“You’re right Kacchan, I…I never care about myself even at the times I’m hurting the most. It’s like second nature to me, to put others before myself. But I thought…I thought that’s what it meant to be a hero?”
This was uncharted territory in their relationship. Sure, they got to talk about their feelings and what motivated them during their fight at ground Beta. It was mostly Katsuki who had lashed out though. Talking about their personal issues? Real, intimate talk? That had never happened.
“You have to be alive in order to save people Izuku. You have to eat well, be in good shape physically and mentally if you’re going to help people. You have to be able to smile in order to put that smile on other people’s faces. You want to be a half-ass hero who can barely take care of himself?” he questioned sharply.
“Hmm?” he inquired when there was no response.
The green boy shook his head no.
“Well for once we agree on something then”.
That made the small boy giggle.
“What the fuck is funny nerd?”
The green boy’s laughter got louder and louder until he was holding his stomach with both arms from it.
“You lost some brain cells while you were out there or something?”
“Hahaha, s-sorry Kacchan, haha I’m just a little tired.”
“No need to be a genius to see that.”
The green boy slowly calmed down and silence settled once again.
“The letter…” the blonde started.
“Now you want to talk about it ?!” the greenet feigned indignation.
“Fucking let me finish, yes I want to talk about it now!”
Izuku didn’t reply and let him continue.
“Did you…did you write the same thing for everyone?” the blonde asked hesitantly.
A few seconds passed.
“No.” was the simple response.
“Oh.”
He sensed that the blonde wanted to ask more though.
“Well, you already knew about me and All Might and how he passed One for All to me, so I wasn’t going to explain it to you again like I did with the others. So…I just decided to talk about my feelings I guess.”
“Hmm,” the blonde nodded softly.
Lifting his arms above his head, the greenet stretched.
“Mmh Kacchan, I’m kinda sleepy now.”
“So go to your room and sleep nerd.”
A pregnant pause.
“I can’t.”
Katsuki turned to look at his face.
“Hah?”
Izuku kept his eyes buried in the crook of his arm.
“I-I can’t sleep in my room. It feels…suffocating. It’s like…like he’s going to come for me any time. Like he’s going to kill everyone in here while I’m sleeping, hurt everyone without me even hearing he–"
“Shit, Izuku that’s not going to –“
“Rationally I know it Kacchan, but my body just can’t seem to understand it.” the boy confessed with a trembling voice.
The blonde sighed and put his hand around the boy’s waist, dragging him closer.
“Kacchan?”
Without responding, the blonde pressed Izuku’s face towards his neck. The greenette inhaled deeply and shuddered, one hand coming to grasp the side of the blonde’s shirt.
“Just sleep nerd, I’m here. If anything happens while you’re asleep I’ll wake you up okay?”
“Promise?”
“Don’t ask things you already know.”
With that confirmation, Izuku closed his eyes. Not too long after, his chest started to rise and fall regularly and he fell into a deep slumber, his head perched on the blonde’s shoulder, the right side of his body leaning on him.
As promised, the blonde didn’t move. The boys basked in the moonlight and the occasional sound of fireflies kept them company.
Katsuki turned his head, his nose brushing the greenet’s hair and inhaled deeply. The smell of peppermint invaded his senses. Izuku’s shampoo.
The smell helped him calm down, reassured him the nerd was next to him, alive and healthy. After a while his eyelids started to feel heavy and he felt himself drifting closer to sleep. He took a glance at the smaller boy, who was sleeping soundly, face relaxed, mouth slightly agape. The hand previously holding his shirt was now relaxed and rested openly on Katsuki’s side.
He made his decision before thinking too long about it.
Holding Izuku’s head gently from the back he placed it on the couch and started to get up. Before he could move any further though, there was a small whimper and the same scarred hand previously relaxed suddenly squeezed his shirt, keeping him close. The green boy’s brows were now furrowed as if sensing Katsuki’s movement and not liking it.
Katsuki bent forward facing Izuku and placed a gentle hand on the boy’s cheek.
“Shh, I’m here ‘Zuku, not going anywhere”. Izuku mumbled something unintelligible.
With that, Katsuki placed the boy’s hands around his neck. Without a beat, Izuku crossed them and held onto his neck. The blonde then picked him up effortlessly, both hands on his sturdy thighs. Izuku’s head fell onto his shoulder. Making small noises, the greenet fidgeted slightly to get comfortable and finally settled happily, holding onto Katsuki like a koala.
The blonde then headed towards the elevator, pressed the button with the back of his hand, and arrived on his floor. He could feel Izuku’s steady breath on his neck, it made goosebumps spread over his skin.
Walking towards his room, he opened the door with his elbow and closed the door shut with his foot.
His bed was already unmade, with him previously tossing and turning without being able to find any sleep. It wasn’t big enough for two people but it definitely was larger than what one person needed.
Putting one knee on the mattress, he slowly put Izuku down on his bed. The boy didn’t stir.
The blonde went to close his window, chose to keep the bedside lamp open and settled next to Izuku, careful not to push him. He turned on his side, facing the boy. He looked younger when sleeping, without all the responsibilities he carried weighing on his shoulders.
Katsuki slid down a little, level with Izuku’s chest and got closer with only his nose brushing the grenet’s shirt. He breathed in deeply and closed his eyes, drifting to sleep. A hand touched his hair. Unconsciously, Izuku pulled him closer with a small mumble and grabbed blonde hair. He didn’t pull, just held on tightly so the other couldn’t move even if he had no intention to do so. Bodies entangled, both boys felt themselves finally fall into a long missed peaceful sleep.