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If you asked Julia Lazarett why she was in the circus, she would tell you it was because of her best friend, Kamille Bernaud. It was the day before Kamille’s 19th birthday, and she managed to convince Julia to see the circus with her. To put a long story that even Julia doesn’t know how to explain short, they’re both dead and part of the circus for eternity. Or a year in Julia’s special case. She would die in a year unless she could permanently kill Anthonn Gremminger, ringmaster and leader of the circus.
The only problem is, Anthonn Gremminger (whom was called Tonny by most of the circus) was the least-killable person she’s ever met. Even though his personality changed wildly- from being a confident leader of the circus, leading the show on to be perfect even if there were a few roadblocks, to the wimpy clown she first met who was getting bullied by young kids. He seemed so innocent, so readable, everyone in the circus loved him. Julia tried to tell herself that he was hiding something darker, but as much as she spied on him, it only seemed to destroy her case. He would be joking with the circus troupes and giving pep talks and compliments to others before trying something new in their show. Hell, he even was good with kids- making them laugh, not telling them what to do. When he was in his clown costume, kids seemed to take control over him.
For how much Julia spied on Tonny, it ebbed and flowed. When she first started, she watched him day and night- even going to the insufferable bonfire parties. Spying on him this much meant that she had to be friendly with the circus, which wasn’t easy. The more she spied on Tonny while thinking about her past interactions with Sahed- about the pact, of course, not the times when she saw him walk by and catch his eye- the more she was convinced that Sahed didn’t make the pact. He seemed so caught off guard when she first asked why he wanted her to kill Tonny. He also seemed to have no sense of rush- their meetings were sporadic and it was always a wild guess to see what the topic of the conversation would be. Sometimes, Julia wondered if they’d meet more if Sahed knew she would die in a year. Unless Tonny did first. Permanently.
Over time, the more she spied on Tonny, the more... anxious... she seemed. She was still trying to find the right word. But to word it best, she started to feel nervous around him over time. Tonny also seemed to turn his head around him more often, as if he knew that she was following him. Julia convinced herself it was because he had a secret he was hiding. But she couldn’t deny, the spying became more of an exciting mission rather than boring eavesdropping. The times Tonny was with Dotty, he somehow seemed more aware of her.
Tonight was one of the nights when Julia was spying on Tonny. Over time, the spying got more casual. It was less of a hide-and-don’t-be-caught game, and more just talking to him. She told herself that this was more effective than spying- she would scope him out to see if there was anything weird about him. Which was nothing, aside from the whole running-a-dead circus ordeal. Tonight, Julia was spying on him during a bonfire party. Kamille and Dotty like to brag about how much Julia has been going to these parties now, saying they showed her how enjoyable it is.
Tonight’s party was same as ever. People dancing, singing, any activity that was loud, really. There were people dancing even in the fire. Julia understood that you couldn’t really die by that and that all the damage would be healed instantly, but it was still a stupid thing to do. Julia sat on a log that was in a decent place. It was close enough to feel the warmth of the huge bonfire and keep an eye on everyone who was at the party while also being somewhat isolated. It was a slightly quieter place that let her understand her thoughts. Sometimes, the parties got so loud it could be heard from any room in the circus.
Julia let her mind start to wander. Does it really count as spying if I enjoy watc-
Her thoughts were broken as Dotty danced over towards her, humming. She seemed so light on her feet, as if gravity never applied to her.
“I’m so glad you could make it out to the party tonight, darling!” Dotty shouted over the music. She sat next to Julia, throwing her arm around her shoulder. “Can I get you anything to drink? Bob is able to make almost any drink with the limited ingredients we get. It’s quite unique, really!”
Julia shook her head. “No, thanks.” Everyone seemed to forget that she wasn’t old enough to drink- though nobody really cared at the circus, really. Plus, every time Julia was at a party, Dotty always gave Julia the talk about how good Bob’s drinks were with the few things they had.
“I know what you mean!” Dotty said with a grin. She got up, heading towards Bob. She told him something that made him look at her and then start mixing a drink.
“I forgot they don’t care about the law,” Julia grumbled, crossing her arms over her knees.
“It’s hard to remember the law when you’ve been dead for a good handful of years. Times change. And so do rules.” Tonny appeared from behind her, sitting next to Julia on the log.
Julia nearly jumped out of her skin. She lost Tonny in the crowd when Dotty approached her.
“Yea, but it’s a basic law. One of the easiest to follow.”
“They don’t remember that nit-picky stuff from when they were alive. Look at them- they’re all adults. Most of us have been here longer than you’ve been alive and they joined as adults. Do you really think they remember drinking laws?”
“No... I guess not.” Julia muttered.
Dotty danced back over, holding two drinks in her hand. One was steaming, one was bubbling. “And here we are!”
“What’s the difference in the drinks?” Julia asked. “And how did you know to get two? Tonny wasn’t here when you first came by.”
“One is Tonny’s regular, one is a virgin drink compared to that. Well, it’s got alcohol, just not as much as the other- it’s a favorite light drink of mine! Also, I saw Tonny walk over so decided to get his ready for him!” Dotty extended her arms out, the steaming drink towards Tonny and the bubbling mix to Julia. “Drink up!” She winked at Tonny as Julia walked away.
Tonny had a moment of internal panic. Does she think we’ll end the night in one of our beds? Dotty always says non-alcoholic, never virgin!
“Is she ever calm?” Julia grumbled.
He smiled. “Dotty? She’s always got a bit of energy, sometimes more than normal.” Especially when she thinks I’m making a move on you. Tonny left the last part unspoken.
Julia took a sip of her bubbling drink. The carbonation tickled her nose, causing her to sneeze.
“Bless you.” Tonny smiled, sipping on his own drink. “Guessing you didn’t drink much soda as a kid?”
“No, we drank mostly water. Soda was for a special occasion, like a birthday or a party.” Julia took another sip, letting the flavors soak in. It tasted like raspberry and strawberry with a hint of lemon and coconut. The more she thought about it, it tasted a lot like Dotty in an unexplainable way. She wondered if Bob made it based off of her.
“Ah.” Tonny chuckled awkwardly.
Julia’s mind snapped back to the whole reason why she was here- to spy on Tonny. She had a few choices now- she could ask him questions, excuse herself to go and spy on how he interacts with others. Or she could try and learn what he really thought of her.
She shook her head. Why should she care what Tonny thought of her? In a few months he’ll be dead. He could think of her as the most amazing person ever or the most terrible creature to exist. She would be considered as ugly as the monster in the attic she saw on the day she died.
I would prefer it to be one of those over the other. She thought to herself. Then again, I’d feel awful for killing someone who lo- cares about me than someone who hates me.
“You’ve been going to these bonfire parties a lot more lately. Guessing you’re warming up to everyone?” Tonny asked.
Julia took another sip. The drink was growing on her. “Mhm. It’s not bad here.”
Tonny tapped his glass. Julia picked up on the action almost immediately. One of the things she noticed over her time spying was when he was anxious or nervous- he’d tap his fingers or foot.
“What is it? You’re holding off on something.”
He exhaled, running a hand through his hair. “Am I that see-through? I was wondering how you were adapting to the more... new... parts of the circus for you. I know you normally didn’t see Ah’kon day to day.”
“I’m used to Sahed and Rainah now.”
“You seem to be hanging out with Sahed a lot more.”
Was that a pang of jealousy in his voice?
“I was just wondering if you had any questions about the circus still. I know you probably ask them to Sahed because he made your pact. I normally make the pact and answer all questions- I’m so sorry, Julia, I know it isn’t the easiest.”
Questions whizzed in Julia’s mind. What was the monster in the attic? How could someone die permanently? Did Tonny ever have a relationship in the past?
“Did you ever have a lover?” Julia blurted out. She cursed at herself seconds later, blaming the drink Dotty gave to her. Something inside of her told her that it wasn’t the drink.
“Uh- I kinda meant more about the circus.” Tonny chuckled nervously, running a hand through his hair again as red crept on his face.
“Oh- sorry. Uhm... what if I wanted to leave the circus?” Julia asked.
Tonny froze. The music and cheers of the others seemed miles away. There was a look of pain and guilt on Tonny’s face.
“I... I would prefer to talk about that privately with you, if you really are interested. Not out here where it’s loud and we’ve both drank some. Are you really thinking about leaving..?” The hurt and fear in his voice was impossible to miss.
“No- I was just curious. Sorry again about that.”
Tonny exhaled softly, relaxed. “Oh no, it’s alright. I’d rather you not leave so soon- or at all. There’s so much more to this circus you haven’t seen yet, I promise you. I was nervous if you wanted to leave because you didn’t get the best start.”
“Yea- it’s, uhm, looking up.”
Tonny smiled. Julia’s heart throbbed at the smile. So sincere, so pure. She was unsure how she would ever drive a dagger into the seemingly golden heart. It seemed each passing day and each passing spy-session she grew more fond of the circus ringleader and clown.
The two kept talking, Julia asking a minor question about the circus or a performer every so often. She still had much bigger questions left unsaid, but this was still something. More of the actors disappeared, whether it was to each other's rooms or just calling it a night. Even Dotty and Bob were gone- and they were almost always some of the last to go inside for the night. Of course, they gave the two a few more drinks before leaving, though. Tonny had his back lying on the log with Julia sitting next to him, one arm wrapped around her legs and the other on the ground, propping her up some.
“Is there a reason why you sit like that?” Tonny asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You always seem to sit so... in defense. Your legs pressed against your chest, in ways that make you small or hide the sensitive parts.”
“Are you a psychologist or something? And I dunno, it’s comfortable I guess.”
Tonny chuckled. “I’m not a psychologist. Just a leader of a circus. Or a wimpy clown to others.”
Julia’s ears burned. “Look, it’s not my fault. There were like four of them the day we met. I only had to yell to get them to scram. I won’t even bring up the other times I’ve seen.”
“Those kids were strong! And I’m not going to yell at kids. While I may be a clown, I’m also a leader of a circus. I can’t set a bad example. I also remember the time we met. The kids called you a witch. Didn’t that bother you?”
Julia shrugged. “Nah, I’m used to it. Killjoy Lazarett, as you know it.”
Tonny frowned. “I don’t think you’re a killjoy. I get where you’re coming from.”
“Pfft. How would you know? You’re the leader of the circus. You bring joy to children, never take it.”
“Well... sometimes I make decisions that upset people. As much as I love bringing joy to others, I have to put safety first. Plus, if anything goes wrong, I’m the first to be blamed.”
Julia sat. The small remnants of the bonfire crackled. She realized how loud the cicadas were chirping.
“I’m sorry... I didn’t realize that. Never thought about it.” Julia spoke softly.
Tonny placed his hand on her outstretched hand.
“It’s okay. You shouldn’t have to worry about others. Only a few months ago you died, I’m sure you’re still getting used to everything new.”
Julia felt her heartbeat increase, ears burning red. She suddenly was glad it was night. Tonny’s hand was soft. His hand covered hers, protecting her.
Why am I focusing so much on this? Julia thought to herself. It's fine if I take a break from spying tonight and enjoy the time. It’s not a crime or anything. Plus, I’m spying for myself, not for Sahed or anyone else.
Julia leaned back on the log, letting her feet sit out in front of her instead of pressed to her belly. She leaned her head on Tonny’s shoulder. She swore she felt him move towards her, ruffling the shoulder of his white shirt.
It was a really iconic Tonny outfit. That or his performing outfit- the black and white striped shirt, the brown overalls with the red straps and long leather boots, the red suit jacket with the golden buttons and embroidery.
She remembered the day when Rainah was almost taken away- how quick Tonny was to think of something to protect Rainah. He walked up so confidently to the guards with a fake third eye painted on. Julia wondered which was the real Tonny- the awkward bundle of nerves when in sudden situations presented outside performances, or the confident, tall-standing man who took pride in his circus and actors, going to risky lengths to protect them.
Julia exhaled, moving her head more on Tonny’s shoulder, nearing his neck. He stiffened at first, but slowly relaxed
Tonny was unsure in what way Julia took comfort in him. Did she see him as a father figure? A role model? A protector- a failed one, an awful one. He wished he could’ve been there for her more, to guide her on a wider path than the narrow one with Sahed. Or did Julia see him as something more?
“I’m going to make a statement. It might be a stretch, but I want to know your thoughts.” Julia said. He could feel small whisps of her breath as she spoke on his neck. He held back a shiver.
“Go ahead.”
“I feel like you seem to be the type to be... what’s the best way to say it... lost in the crowd? Or lonely in the crowd.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re the main star- or you should be. You’re the ringmaster, the leader. You hold everyone together. But it seems like you’re often left alone with a heavy burden.”
“Oh... wow... yea, that’s a really good way to word it. Yeah, I’m given all the heavy work in the circus. It’s fine though, I don’t mind it. I rather the crew be less stressed out. This should be a hobby, not a painful job.”
Guilt stabbed Julia as she remembered she was here to spy. The contract conditions rang in her head, but she pushed them to the side. One enjoyable night was alright, right?
Julia suddenly noticed Tonny was looking at her. A blush spread along her face as she realized how close she was to his face.
“Uhm.. did you ask me something? Sorry, zoned out for a second there.”
“It’s alright. I was asking if you felt the same way.”
“I... I never thought about that. I mostly stick to Kamille. I don’t join in big groups but when I am in them, I prefer not to be the center of attention. But, I do feel where you come from- on the lonely part.” And the heavy work- or burden, as I should say. Julia didn’t let her thoughts speak this time.
Tonny was tempted to wrap his arm around her, to hug her, to comfort her and apologize. He never wanted her to feel that way ever again.
“You sound like you need a hug.” Tonny said. He never said that sentence in that serious of a voice before, but more of a goofy voice as he performed as a clown. Saying it this seriously made his heart shatter.
Julia smiled. “So do you. Don’t pretend life doesn’t suck for you too.”
She turned so that her body was facing Tonny more. She propped herself up some with a knee, enclosing him around her. Tonny wrapped his arms around her back. He could feel the cheap fabric her dress was made of. His heart cracked more, thinking that Julia had to wear the same old stitched-up dress for her entire time at the circus. He made a mental note to get her a new one.
They sat together, hugging, in silence. The bonfire eventually stopped crackling. Julia made herself more comfortable so that she was being held by Tonny. Exhaustion seemed to suddenly take over her, making her eyes heavy and body weak. Or maybe it was just how nice the hug was. Who knew.
Tonny ended up rubbing her back, the fabric of the old dress rubbing hard against his fingers. He wanted to ask Julia how she saw him. Was he a close friend or something more to her?
“Tonny.”
He looked at Julia.
Julia pushed herself up some. Her face was seriously close to his. He could feel her breath on his face- soft breaths, slow breaths. Calm ones.
Julia closed the gap between their faces. Thoughts and emotions screamed at her- the what-if’s, if he wasn’t into her. Or pull away. Or, that in a few months, she would have to kil-
She forced the last thought off, focusing on the kiss instead. Focusing on Tonny’s reaction.
Tonny was taken aback by how suddenly this was all happening- it felt like moments ago Julia just rested her head on his shoulder. Now here she was, pressing her lips against his. It was like all his feelings for her spilled out at that moment too- he returned the kiss, softening his lips against hers. His heart was beating fast, like it would explode with joy.
Julia wanted more. It was an internal fight- he clearly reciprocated her feelings, but she still felt guilt over how they got here. She moved so that she was straddling Tonny. She needed more.
“Julia...” Tonny gasped for air.
Julia inhaled too, not realizing how out of breath she was. Or how nervous she was, her heart about to break a hole through her chest.
“Hmm?” She said, lips hovering just above Tonny’s.
“I... I don’t think this is the right place for this.”
Julia grabbed Tonny’s hand.
“Then let’s go to the right place.” She said.
Julia stood up, helping Tonny up behind her.
Thoughts swirled around Tonny led Julia to his room. Of course, Julia knew where it was. But it’d feel wrong if she led the way, seeing as she never has been in there.
Tonny pushed opened the door. His room was small- a large, unmade bed was in the middle. There was a desk covered in papers.
He’d hardly shut the door when Julia was back at his lips.
Every second passing was another second Julia was burning in anticipation. Tonny seemed to move slowly, closing the door, turning around. She couldn’t wait. She couldn’t contain herself. Desire coursed through her as she kissed Tonny again. He cupped the back of her head, lifting up her chin.
Julia took steps backwards slowly, towards the bed, guiding Tonny back with her by not breaking the kiss fully. She stopped when she felt the fine mattresses against her legs. She sat on the bed and Tonny stood between her legs, straddling her.
Julia pulled at his overalls, begging mentally for them to come off. Tonny picked up on the action, quickly disposing of them. Julia discarded some clothing of her own.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down onto her.
Once again, Tonny broke off the kiss to talk.
”Wait, Julia…” he panted. “Are you sure about this- are you sure it’s not the alcohol? I don’t want to force you into anything.”
Julia ignored how her heart filled with love and care that, even now, Tonny was asking if she was okay. She drew close to his ear, lips softly touching his ear as she whispered, “I know what I want, Anthonn Gremminger.”
Tonny looked at her with his precious puppy eyes, his soft smile on his face.
”Then I am yours. I don’t want to force anything on you. I’ll listen to what you say. Do with me what you wish.” He responded.
And she did.
Julia woke up the next morning with a nasty headache. Her mouth tasted of an unfamiliar drink. Light streamed in through the window.
She quickly realized that she was in Tonny’s room. Memories of last night came crashing down on her. She played it all out in her head. The spying plan went horribly off track. But Julia didn’t care. She didn’t regret a thing.
She heard breathing next to her and noticed a warm feeling around her. Tonny was still asleep, holding her as they slept. He had bedhead and a shirt half-on. He must’ve put it on before sleeping to stay warm. Purple marks covered his neck and shoulders. Memories flooded her again from the previous night. Julia winced and hoped that he’d be able to cover it up. She wanted to go to his bathroom and see if she had any marks, but instead she lay in bed, enjoying the quiet morning. Tonny looked so peaceful right now- she couldn’t bear to disturb him.
Tonny eventually woke up and noticed Julia in his arms. He remembered what had happened and had no regrets. His only concern was how Julia was feeling.
“Morning,” Julia whispered.
”Morning. How do you feel?”
”Aside from the headache, great. Are you okay?”
”Mhm.” He pressed his lips on her forehead. “Hate to ruin this, but we have to get up before the circus comes looking for us. Or I have to go at least.”
”I’ll go with you. Run me through your morning routine.”
Tonny smiled a priceless smile. He felt so lucky to have her join his circus, that she cared about him in a way different than everyone else.