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It’s been three weeks and two days since Shirley’s (second) wedding and she was late to study group. Again.
“Is anyone else worried about Shirley?” Annie glanced nervously around the room. “It feels like she’s avoiding us.”
“I think I know what the problem is. Over the weekend Troy and I watched a marathon of romantic wedding comedies and …”
“- NO. No we didn’t.” Troy interrupted. “Abed watched them. I built a scale model of the Enterprise.”
“... Shirley’s upset that we missed an important wedding ritual - the bachelorette party. On Inspector Spacetime, they called it a hen party.”
“I’m out.” said Jeff, grabbing his books and heading toward the door.
“Jeff! If it’s important to Shirley, it’s important to all of us!”
“No, Annie. It’s really not. And the only ‘hen’ I’m interested is the one that’s about to be turned into chicken fingers in the cafeteria.”
“Fine! I guess we’ll just engage in this co-opting of a patriarchal ritual while still celebrating a culture of heteronormativity without you!” Britta glared at Jeff’s back, as he raised one hand in dismissive acknowledgement.
“I have no idea what you just said,' said Pierce 'But I know all about bachelorette parties. I met my fourth wife at one. It was in in Vegas. Her baby sister was getting married and she was drunk. As the expert, I volunteer my services as a stripper.”
“NO!” Annie and Britta chorused as one, exchanging a horrified glance.
“I hate to say it,” Annie frowned. “But maybe Jeff is right. Maybe this is a girl’s only thing.”
“Cool. Cool cool. Cool. Let me know if you need to borrow the Inspector Spacetime episode.”
*** ****
“So,” Annie asked hesitatingly, “Have you ever been to one of these before?”
“No.” Britta snapped out. “I’ve never felt the need to celebrate a woman passing to her husband like chattel by attending a party that is nothing but a parade of penises and sexual innuendo.”
“Britta! That’s a horrible thing to say! Or … do you mean you’ve never been invited?”
“That, too.” Britta looked grumpy, then hastened to add. “Only because I’ve made my feelings about matrimony perfectly clear!”
“I think we need to make a list.” Annie licked the tip of her pencil, than stared down at the blank sheet before her. “First, do we want strippers?”
“NO! God, I can’t get the image of Pierce out of my head.”
“We could ask Troy …”
Britta’s eyes lit up. “I could work with him on choreographing a routine!” At Annie’s look, she added “Something tasteful, that won’t embarrass Shirley.”
“Great! And we need souvenirs and … oh my god, Britta! I know! When we packed up my apartment, a box of gadgets from the shop accidentally got packed up with me. It could be like one of those sex toy parties …”
“Except free!” Britta quickly back-peddled. ‘I mean, except a celebration of our feminine independence and sexuality, how we’re not dependant on a man for monetary support OR sexual gratification…”
“I-I just thought it would be fun. But sure. It could be that, too.”
“And there could be cake.”
“Yes! Cake!”
They beamed at one another, perfectly in sync.
*** **** ****
“Abed! This is supposed to be a girls-only event!” Annie glared at Abed.
Abed wandered from the Dreamatorium into the kitchen. “Troy said there would be cake.” He opened the refrigerator door and stared into it. Shut the door.
“Do you know that there’s a cake shaped like a penis in there?”
“What?” Troy’s head popped around the corner. “Britta said that I’d get cake as payment if I was a stripper! I’m not eating penis-cake!”
“It has raspberry frosting.”
“Oh. Ok, then. But you owe me two pieces. One for stripping, and one for having to eat penis-cake.” He paused. “Three pieces.”
The doorbell rang.
“That’s Shirley!” Annie sprang for the door and threw it open. “Pierce! What are you doing here?”
“Crashing a party everyone forgot to invite me to. As usual.” Pierce wandered in. “Where’s the booze?”
“It’s a no-alcohol party, Pierce! And you’re not invited, because it’s for girls only!”
“Women!” Britta interrupted. “It’s for women only. Because not everything we’re do is for the objectification of the male gaze!”
“If it’s for women only, why isn’t Jeff here?”
“PIERCE!”
“And why are Abed and Troy here?”
“Abed isn’t supposed to BE here, and Troy…” Annie’s voice trailed off.
“I’m not stripping in front of Pierce! Not even for FOUR pieces of cake!” Troy called out from the Dreamatorium.
Pierce looked hurt. “If Troy gets to strip, so do I!”
“Absolutely, NOT, Pierce. You can stay - but you have to sit in a corner and BE QUIET!”
The doorbell rang.
Annie threw open the door again. “Shirley! Welcome to a celebration of you!”
“OHhh, that’s n-nice!” Shirley’s voice faltered as she took in the penis streamers, the bowl of punch surrounded by penis-shaped cups, the sight of Pierce sulking in a corner with a penis-tiara on his head. “It-It’s certainly very thematic.”
“We’re lampooning the male obsession with body parts and …”
“NO, we’re not!” Annie hastily interrupted. “We’re celebrating Shirley and her happy event and lifetime of future wedded bliss, RIGHT Britta?”
“Right. It’s a celebration of sexuality and fertility ..”
“BRITTA!”
“I mean, congratulations, Shirley!”
**** ***** ****
Shirley perched awkwardly on the edge of the sofa, purse clutched on her lap. “I just think that it’s nice that we’re all getting together for cake! We really don’t have to … to do the rest of this.” She shot a glance at Pierce. “Plus, -a lady doesn’t tell, but Andre and I have always had a very healthy sexual relationship and … is that a penguin?”
Abed was intently studying the back of the box. “It recommends an hour in the freezer before use, for extra sensory stimulation.” He paused. “We’ll have to find another place to store our recreation of the opening scene from Captain America.”
Annie gasped. “Is that what that is? I threw away half my grocery list because I thought the freezer was in need of a serious defrosting!”
Troy nodded. “It’s not the best part of the movie, anyway. We can do a scale model recreation of the train scene instead.”
Britta was frowning at the object in her hand, experimentally trying to pull it. “This looks like something you’d get out of a kid’s vending machine.”
“Britta! That’s a cock ring.” Shirley said, aghast, than amended “I mean, Jesus doesn’t want us to judge but he does think that girls today NEED a better education and maybe we should talk about this later, when nobody is around, because I’m worried about you, sweetie. … “
“Hey! A rubber ducky! What’s that doing in there?” Troy pounced, grabbing it and singing “Rubber ducky, you’re the one...”
“Um, Troy.” Annie bit her lip nervously. “T-that’s not exactly a rubber duck.”
“Sure it is! Look!” He squeezed it, and a loud buzzing fills the room. “Wow, that’s the worst quack I’ve ever heard!”
Annie sidled over to him, murmuring in his ear. Troy let out a shriek.
*** ****
“Why? Why would somebody do that to ducky?!” Troy’s rocking back and forth on the floor, arms wrapped around his legs. Annie tried to pat his back soothingly.
“No! Don’t touch me! Girls are wrong!” He started crying again.
“Took me seven marriages to learn that lesson.” Pierce announced from the corner, nodding his head. The penises on his tiara trembled and bobbed around. “It’s a lesson you’ll be thankful one day. It’s why you always demand a prenup.”
“Pierce!” Annie wailed. “This is a celebration of Shirley’s marriage!”
Britta yelled out “Marriage is an outmoded institution and I still don’t know why we’re even bothering!”
The doorbell buzzed. Everybody ignored it. It buzzed again. Britta flung open the door. “What?”
Jeff smirked, one eyebrow raised. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that this was invitation only.”
Annie was crying incoherently . “Shirley’s bachelorette party is ruined! Britta didn’t… and the rubber ducky … Troy’s stri...plus Abed explained the ...“ Somehow, Jeff managed to get the story out of her.
He sighed. “Guys, this isn’t about dildos, or vibrators, or cock rings. Or even rubber duckies, although somebody owes me that story later. This is about more. More than sex toys. It’s about the joy that two people experience with each other. It’s about Shirley and Andre. It’s about how, together, they’ll overcome all obstacles. And sure, sometimes those obstacles will be if the condom should be ribbed for her pleasure or glow-in-the-dark, but in the end, it doesn’t matter what they choose. As long as they choose TOGETHER. And that’s why, no matter what happened today, love will triumph. They will triumph. Congratulations, Shirley. And congratulations, Andre, even though he’s not here. It’s about you, together. It’s about happily ever after. To happily ever after!”