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Mizuki knew people, they thought they did at least. They knew when people wanted to get closer to them and know about it rather than them. They knew that all of Nightcord were fucked up and that they stayed together to make music because they all needed help and refused it, and most of all they knew loneliness in people well. They knew the obvious and tell-tale signs from their own experience with Rui and the roof top, they knew that clearly.
The unkept appearances, the sad longing looks. The bags that either were bulging or had nothing in it because, what was the point when you always skipped class? The secret sounds and movement, the quiet padding on feet and the lack of wrinkles from smiles. Blank faces remaining as the loneliness became your best friend and, oddly enough, a comfort.
Shiraishi An handled loneliness differently Mizuki realised in class one day as they glanced over at her. The girl who was so adored by everyone and yet… something felt off. Something felt not right as they looked at her and her interactions.
Her smile seemed a little forced, but maybe they were imaging it since it was so consistent. Her laugh that rang and echoed through the classroom seemed… hollow if you listened to it closely. Almost like Yuki was laughing in that room for the moment and, as they knew, Yuki had issues even if she never talked about them. The way people fawned over to her, flocking towards her but they never saw her leave with them after school or hang around the courtyard together at lunch. There was a disconnect between her words and her actions.
Between her insistence that she had friends and she always needed one more in Mizuki, there was something not right.
#
“You’re awfully quiet Amia,” Yuki began that night on Nightcord.
That was strange and made Mizuki nervous. Yuki never engaged in mindless conversation, that was their job with Enanan. To fill the empty void of their work as everyone worked on their own, K doing her composing, Yuki the lyrics, Enanan the art and (in their case) the music video or waiting around aimlessly since they were unable to do any work without the others being done.
For once, however, Enanan was on schedule, and she had sent them artwork. Yuki had near enough finished the lyrics and K was working on her next song because, well, when wasn’t she? Regardless of all the little tidbits and details, Mizuki could finally begin work after a week of doing nothing and trying to procrastinate attending school or doing anything of worth.
“They were? Didn’t notice,” Enanan answered in their stead. Her voice seemed distant, but it was coated in her personal sound whenever she wanted to prod them without prodding them.
“Ahhhh Enanan, you wound me~~~” they teased instantly. It was natural to tease her. “Seriously, can’t I work quietly?”
“I have to suffer listening to you two argue,” Yuki pointed out factually. “Oh, K can you check these lyrics?”
“I can Yuki,” K added in softly. “But it is awfully quiet without you two.”
“I just wanted to work hard.”
“You? Working hard? K, Yuki, is the world ending?” Mizuki teased naturally and defensively. Raising their walls up in front of them to try and seem strong and like they were just working hard.
“Oi! What do you mean by- hold on-“ Enanan began to reply, taking off her head set and (likely) argue with her brother.
Oh sure, they didn’t know much about one another. But they had heard Enanan’s brother on call one night when he was going in to borrow something from her and she had left her microphone unmuted whilst she did whatever she needed to do. Needless to say, she had to fess up to having a brother, but she fessed up many things to Mizuki. Like the name of her personal account so Mizuki knew what she looked like (and whenever they argued, they always got a good giggle out of it).
“I’m back,” Enanan announced. “Now, you! What do you mean by that!? I can work hard in silence.”
“Sure you can,” Mizuki hummed as they moved some of the objects for the music video around the screen. “But, to answer your question Yuki,” she didn’t ask one but she rarely did. She was more direct and more factual. “I was just working hard and thinking. I need the silence and not Enanan’s screams.”
“I swear to fucking- I GET IT AKITO! SHUT UP!”
“What were you thinking about?” Yuki asked.
“The colours for this music video. Enanan, do you think that #7FB5B5 would work for the video?” Mizuki continued as the artist hummed down the microphone.
“Absolutely not. Try #b0f5f1 though,” Enanan answered, though she seemed unconvinced of something and for a moment, Mizuki remembered why they knew a bit about An’s pain. Or speculated pain really.
They had friends, Niigo (as they called them for ease) were their friends. But they knew so little about one another. They barely knew that they were around the same age and their birthdays. Even then, that was hard to force out of the members. It was something that reminded them for as much as they were close, they were alone and none of them knew their secret or the truth about them. They were four teenagers who worked together anonymously avoiding their issues (because if you liked K’s music which felt like a hollow empty void, you had issues) that would occasionally, once in a blue moon drop a random piece of information about themselves that was forgotten. And it was like a sick and cruel dream.
They realised the signs of a different loneliness because they were experiencing it as much as they wanted to deny it to themselves and sugar coat it. Cover it over in the grey blanket that covered their mirror.
But Mizuki was never one to stare at the world with rose-tinted glasses. Though they ran away, it was because they saw the world and life around them for what it was. They saw the truth everyone wanted to hide and deny, they saw the pain and knew loneliness all too well.
#
“Mizuki!” An grinned as she entered the classroom, her entourage of friends behind her. “I didn’t expect to see you.”
“You should never expect to me,” Mizuki teased good naturedly as An took her seat next to them.
“But you’re my friend,” An grinned. “How are you though?”
“Good. Alive.”
“I know that but... never mind. So, tell me about any new anime you’ve been watching because you need something to do when you’re not at school,” An prodded and Mizuki, well they felt like they should indulge her for the moment.
They tapped their fingers on the desk, stared at An who had curiousity and – what they believed to be at least – genuine interest in what they would say. She held her face in the palm of her hand and stared at them.
Sometimes, they wondered if they were losing it imagining she was lonely because no lonely person would want to know about them. But often, like called to like they remembered as they thought about Niigo and how they all bonded to one another because of their similarities. There was a pain that many people could not know about or learn about without having experienced it or something akin to it. Something similar and familiar, an odd comfort in the haze of the natural pain and suffering that life forced you to get used to.
“Well, I’ve been rewatching Sailor Moon Crystal since there’s a film coming out in June,” they began hesitantly and An’s eyes lit up in excitement and then they dimmed. The amber colour of her eyes going just the littlest bit darker than normal. Like she was excited about something and then remembered something.
The distance between them. The obvious gap separating them.
They wanted to invite her to watch it with them. They did, but like everyone else they were contributing to the loneliness of Shiraishi An. It was natural, nothing personal against An but simply something within their natural nature. Their natural ability to see people’s pain and push them away but there was a part of them, a small part within their beating heart. That traitorous organ that made them hesitate about not inviting her, but the rejection was scarier in their mind, and they had gotten used to their loneliness. Unlike An, they did not deny it and thrived in it so what was the point in upsetting the natural balance of the world?
There was none. So, they talked about the basic things with An nodding interested in what they had to say. Clinging to each and every word before her life would go back to normal.
#
They hadn’t attended school in three weeks. And so, so they had to turn up as much as they didn’t want to. And they really didn’t want to, hence why they entered the school in lunch hour. Trying to skirt past friends that called out to one another. People waiting outside of other classrooms, people trying to look at them as they caught a whiff lemon perfume as they tried to move and slip between the crowd effortlessly and escape to the roof top.
The roof top. The pinnacle of loneliness. The place where you were able to look down on everyone and judge them, not that you should judge them, but you naturally did as you watched them all mill around like ants. Comforting yourself. Consoling yourself that your loneliness was not you fault and that people were strange and complex, that people were arrogant and just couldn’t understand you and that you were, in fact, not upset that you were not there. That you were not down there laughing with them all, joking with them all milling about and being understood.
At least, that was how Mizuki felt in regards to the rooftop and that feeling had not changed since middle school as they went to seek their reprieve. Unable to breathe in the school but stopping by the door, pressing their ear to it as they heard someone up there.
They were singing and it was powerful. It sounded like Enanan, but it was most definitely not Enanan. Firstly, Enanan attended night school and not day school even if she did attend Kamiyama like them. Secondly, their vocal colours were entirely differently, Enanan was just… so much more Enanan. It was sweet but strong. Like honey that smothered Yuki and K’s voices in songs (but not theirs because it could never smother theirs considering they-).
Mizuki took a deep breath in and shook their head as they lingered outside the door.
The way this singer sounded like Enanan was the comfort in their voices. That no matter the pain, there was a hope and something stronger that could yank you out of the depths of despair you existed in.
But it was too strong. Too painful almost. Like a denial of something so important to you that you wanted to grasp onto but you were losing. At least, that was what Mizuki thought K would say considering she always directed them all on how to sing. Grasping music so easily that Mizuki had to play their games on mute considering she would speak at lengths about the OSTs which irritated Yuki, even if she denied it.
Mizuki took a breath in and opened the door as quietly as they could, but it still shrieked and squeaked because it was heavy duty and a metal fire escape.
The singing stop and An smiled at them. Tensely. Nervously.
“Mizuki,” she began. “You finally turned up.”
“Indeed, I did,” they returned easily. “I didn’t know you could sing so well.”
An laughed for a moment, but Mizuki swore that they saw her face drop and hurt flashing over there like a quick bolt of lightning. “You didn’t?”
“Not in the slightest. How did you learn?” they asked, sitting on the floor and An walked over to join them.
“My dad, uncle and aunt were singers. I wanted to be just like her, my aunt I mean, so I started to sing on the street just like she did because our area’s pretty musical. And soon, soon I found my own dream and I rarely do Live Events. I just need a partner.”
“A partner?”
“It’s something important in street music. It’s something that’s stronger than a friend. Do you know Aoyagi Toya and Shinonome Akito?” Mizuki shook their head and An deflated a little. “Well, they’re partners and go to this school. They’ve been partners since middle school…”
Mizuki swore that she sounded bitter as she talked about the two people. And then they knew that she was truly lonely though she denied it. There was no other explanation for it.
“So, you know how to sing?” Mizuki asked, changing the subject realising they had forced her to hit a bitter section of her life.
“A bit, yeah.”
“A bit?”
“Okay, a lot.”
“So…” Mizuki began breaking off and forcing a fun tone in their voice. “Can you teach me?”
“Teach you?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
Mizuki hummed for a moment, “Well… I’m in this anonymous group where we write and sing songs and I want to pull my weight.”
It was basically the truth in theory, but in reality, they didn’t want to dampen An’s mood anymore, so a distraction was nice. It was necessary. Plus, they would get better at singing for their next cover with Enanan which was important because she was so naturally good. If you were worse than her, it was noticeable, and Mizuki wanted to at least cover up their lack of perfection and ease. At least, to a degree.
“Really?” An questioned eagerly, a true smile cracking on her face.
“Yeah, and one member is like super good. All of them are so I want to keep up with them, you, see?”
An nodded thoughtfully and jumped up. “Get up. I don’t know much about tips, but you need to always do a vocal warm up. Something simple like this,” she demonstrated, and Mizuki started to laugh to themselves. An finished and stared at them, hands on her hips and lips pursed.
“What’s so funny?”
“That, An, was not simple,” Mizuki laughed slightly. “What if I was tone deaf?”
“Then I would question why you were in the group,” An replied before shaking her head. She held her hand and wagged her fingers. “Mizuki~~~”
“Fine, fine, I’ll listen to you teacher Shiraishi!” Mizuki jested, getting up and soon. Soon they were singing and learning.
It was comforting and the dull pain in their heart that was often there. That was normally so easy to ignore that they forgot it was there, but they knew it was, was gone. Their heart felt full and at ease. Joyous, really. And An… An was grinning, smiling brightly and they couldn’t say anything, and, for the moment, it was like they were lost at sea but had found themselves in the loneliness.
It was something that they had felt with Rui and whilst they didn’t seem as close, rarely speaking to one another. They were still as close as ever. The loneliness bonded them in a way that no one understood or could grasp save them as they glanced at one another in the halls or from how they would help him with his new friends.
And in that moment, they knew they had made a new friend in solitude.
#
Mizuki was bored. The weight of learning about Yuki’s, Mafuyu’s, issues and that something called a ‘SEKAI’ existed weighed on their shoulders. It burdened them all. And whilst they met up in that diner the other day and they did get to tease Ena for a moment, they knew that it was something to cover up their feelings about Mafuyu’s struggles. Wanting to ask Yuki about them, to help her as much as they could, but wanting to wait and linger. Stopping themselves pre-emptively and continuing to have such high energy which they feared irritated the other two.
But they were bored.
They slipped into the classroom as quietly as they could trying to think of something to do. Anything really. Anything exciting. Anything that-
“Hey, Mizuki!” An called out as the chatter in the classroom stopped and they all turned to stare at them. Great.
Mizuki forced a smile on their face and headed over to her, “An. What was everyone nattering on about?” they asked, feigning interest which was needed in case they were talking about them and it.
“Some rumour about the ghost in the courtyard. Some girl fainted yesterday and people want to know if the ghost did it,” she explained, but her smile seemed tense and she began to blanche a little as she talked. And it wasn’t even at length!
Mizuki hummed to themselves and a little… prank began to form and swirl in their mind. “Ah. That rumour. I like it.”
“You know it?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“You are never in,” An stated plainly and, admittedly, that was the obvious answer and explanation for her doubt. But Mizuki always listened to gossip, they were always sensitive to rumours because they were the subject of them.
“Yeah, but I’m always sensitive to rumours,” they answered easily and An looked at them, turned her head and they forced a smile on their face, nudging her shoulders. “Seems like you don’t know all the details though~~”
“I’m not interested…”
“Are you sure?”
An huffed a breath, a strand of her hair flying with the breath. “Positive.”
“But… An…”
An took in a deep breath and then rolled her eyes. Before she shook her head fondly. “You’re not going to stop until I let you speak, are you?”
“Nope!”
She sighed. “Go… Go on then…”
And Mizuki clapped a little and beamed. “So, basically, the student was walking through the courtyard to do a teacher’s errand. It was after school, so the courtyard was empty. There was no one there but she swore she heard a woman wailing.”
An scoffed nervously, it was too breathy to be a real scoff of disbelief. “She could’ve been imaging things… I mean… there’s the obvious answer of club activities.”
“Oh, An, you sweet summer child. If only that were true. I mean, considering that this school was built on a graveyard,” they trilled and An’s face went totally pale. Her eyes widened and Mizuki had to stop themselves from laughing aloud and ruining the prank.
Liars were always so convincing once they had lied often enough, and Mizuki lied daily to everyone around them including themselves.
“No way!?”
“Mhm, well, back to the story. The wailing just got louder and louder and then, for a moment, it felt like someone was right next to her. She took a deep breath and looked around and there was no one there. She breathed a sigh of relief but then. Then she saw it.” An was hooked, getting closer to Mizuki. Her face was whiter than a sheet of paper. “From the ground, there was a pale, white hand that grasped her ankle and she fainted. Wound up in the nurse’s office. The end.”
“The end!? Th-that can’t be it. That- that means that you- that that student really fainted because of a g-g-ghost…” An breathed out and Mizuki held in their laughter.
“Mhmm,” Mizuki hummed. They wanted to ask about her pale face, but An for as dumb as she was school wise, she was good with people. Well decently good and asking about her pale face would flag up an alarm to her and might lead her to jump to the – correct – assumption that Mizuki was pranking her. So, they didn’t. Instead…
“Anyway, I have an errand to do after school. It’s gonna take me a while, do you want to join?” they asked and they expected a rejection if she were truly that busy, but they knew she wasn’t. She was lonely which was why she didn’t ask anyone to verify their story.
“Sure.” An agreed though it was hesitant and Mizuki knew that day would be a good and fun day.
-
An was hesitant as they walked around the courtyard. Practically clinging to them and crossing her arms together. “So… where are we going?”
“The storeroom.”
“The storeroom?”
“I wanted to join the volleyball club,” they lied on the spot.
An nodded and continued to walk with them as they had to stifle their own personal giggle. They stopped abruptly and An bumped into their back.
“Mizuk-“
They shushed her and whirled around to her. “Quiet. Can’t you hear it?”
“Hear what?”
“The woman’s voice. Those sounds…”
An rolled her eyes for a moment. “I don’t hear-“
“They’re getting closer. And it’s wailing,” they whispered and An laughed awkwardly.
“R-right…”
Mizuki looked down and forced out a gasp, “An! There’s a white hand around your ankle!”
And An screamed, jumping onto them and clinging to them like a lifeline, wailing loudly. “Mizuki…” they cried in their ears and Mizuki began to laugh. No longer able to hold it back within themself. “Huh? My ankle is fine… Mizuki!”
She let go of Mizuki and pouted at them. It was cute oddly enough but not enough to sober them as they keeled over on the floor and just laughed themselves to death. Tears began forming in their eyes as they looked up at An who stood on in betrayal watching them and frowning.
“I- I can’t believe this,” they wheezed out looking up at her. “I knew it! I knew you were terrified of ghosts- Oh I can’t believe this! Never did I ever think you would-“ they chuckled and An just continued to stare at them.
“You liar!”
“You got that right. That story was made by yours truly!” they bragged, getting up off the floor as their laughter quietened down.
An sucked in a breath, “You are unbelievable.”
“This is very in character for me,” they admitted, linking An’s arm. It felt natural at that point. “Besides I was testing something…”
“My patience?”
“No, though that was a bonus test,” Mizuki added on as they walked back to the school together. “Do you remember my first week, where I asked if you had friends and you told me ‘Of course, I do! Have you seen how many people talk to me Mizu?’? Well, I didn’t believe you and I watched you from the rooftop every day and I wanted to see if it was true.”
“Well it was-“
“It wasn’t. And, if it were true, you would’ve asked someone to cooperate my story,” Mizuki explained easily. Stopping on their path. “You didn’t. Therefore, whilst you have friends you don’t have friends. And I get that and, if you would allow me to be. I’d like to be your friend.”
An paused, let go of their arms and stared at them. “You’re never here.”
“I know I’m not, but friendships don’t need to be constantly swimming around one another. Right? Besides, you’re like a friend here for me anyway. You feel like my music group do and you know the secret,” they smiled softly and pulled at their bow. An smiled and laughed.
“I suppose I do.”
“You really do. I just wanted to ask because you make school bearable.”
“Do I?”
“Stop fishing for compliments.”
An scrunched her nose and stuck her tongue out before laughing. “I concede. I guess I was lonely. But it’s getting better, I think. I mean, there’s the school festival soon and I spotted a girl in dad’s café the other day. I want to see her again and talk to her.”
Mizuki hummed and raised a brow. “Not like that!” An insisted but the light blush on her face said otherwise. “I swear!”
“Sure…”
“Mizuki!”
“An!”
They looked at one another and trailed off into laughter. It was easy for them. Natural for them. Friends in solitude. Friends who knew loneliness well…
Mizuki should invite Rui to join them on the roof top one day, they wondered how well they would get on together.
#
“You seem lively tonight, Amia,” Yuki interrupted on Nightcord that night as Mizuki and Ena were arguing or talking about whatever they could.
“Yes, you seem very energetic,” K stated too and Mizuki paused. Did they?
“I did?”
“You did,” Mafuyu confirmed easily. “It’s very noisy.”
“Do you not like it?” Mizuki asked panicked.
“No… I think I missed it.”
“Think or know?” Ena asked incredulously, always prepared to argue with Mafuyu every step of the way since that fateful day.
“I’m… I’m not sure,” Yuki answered honestly, and Ena huffed.
“Honestly! Can’t you put effort into this?!”
“Enanan…” Mizuki chided softly, and it felt just right.
Ena grunted unhappily, “Sorry or whatever.”
“I didn’t even have to ask you! Look at you!”
“Please stop.”
“But, Enanan~~~”
“I will make your life a living hell.”
“Hell? It can’t be hell if you’re in it!”
“Mizuki!” she gritted out and they laughed.
It felt right, and for that moment, loneliness was a fond and distant memory.
For the moment at least.