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Change sounds frightening, at the least. It brings either all the good things or bad things at once, which is why it’s scary because you wouldn’t know what’ll hit you while you’re drowning in naivety, hoping that everything will fall at its place. Change is summer rain, a drizzle out of nowhere when supposedly, it should be hot and suffocating; somehow, it is both hope and destruction.
Yet, with everything it entails, Ni-ki sure is unafraid, unwavering, and well, he was.
Nishimura Riki in his strawberry underpants, in his young age, and in his youth, met the bearer of the sun in a cruelty-induced place. The bearer of the sun had shiny black hair, hazel brown eyes where flowers bloomed, pouty lips and had this warm, really warm embrace he’d often seek in his sleep.
Said bearer of the sun comes in the form of Kim Sunoo, a breath of fresh air, and a breath of unsolicited pain. You could say everything was normal, of course it was. Ni-ki woke up on the other side of the bed with his Sunoo pressed to the wall because recently, he’s gotten so big for their small bed to fit. Ni-ki woke up on the other side of the bed with the scent of his Sunoo permeating his senses and it was everything he needed.
If someone would ask Ni-ki what youth felt like, he’d say a name. He’d puff out his chest that he’s been working on lately and say with utmost pride of how Kim Sunoo was the embodiment of youth. Kim Sunoo who always welcomed him to sleep together, especially on nights where he’d rather go back to Japan than be where he’s at right now. Kim Sunoo who always opened his arms to him, who always coaxed him to be more honest about his feelings, and his Sunoo, whom he shared his youth with and has now laid in the back of his head.
Ni-ki has never been the type to back out from changes, it wasn’t until the bearer of the sun got rid of his shiny black hair with a color resembling a halo, and well, Ni-ki’s personal hell. Ni-ki felt his stomach churn, his hands curled into fists as he tried himself to stop from commenting any crude comments to someone who basically became his home. But it was weird, because who the fuck is this person? He bit his lower lip and his words came out before he could even process them.
“It doesn’t suit you, hyung.” Unprovoked, yet it felt levitating. Ni-ki’s eyebrows furrowed when Sunoo only chuckled at him, “You had this color before, Ni-ki. What changed?”
You did .
Everytime Sunoo changed hair color, Ni-ki felt himself being deduced into something smaller. Kim Sunoo was all familiar yet a stranger at the same time, he had new friends, he went out with them, he talked about people Ni-ki didn’t recognize, and he wasn’t there all the time he needed to be. And so, as petty as he could be, Ni-ki further detached himself because the bearer of the sun had begun to burn him, and although he didn’t mind to be reduced into ashes, he thought, maybe being spiteful was a way to bring the older back.
“Are you sure it’s about his hair, dumbass?” Ni-ki feigned a gasp at Jake who immediately landed a playful hit on his shoulder, “I’m trying to help your stupid ass and this is how you repay me? I’ve been raising you for years now after you decided to be a bitch about Sunoo’s choices.”
Offended, he threw a bad finger at Jake who then pinched his right ear, “Look, we all know Sunoo thrives when there are people. He thrives in a place where people love him-.”
“Don’t we do all that?”
“You don’t, at least, not as much as you did before.” Ni-ki’s eyes widened, because that felt like the lie of the century.
“What do you fucking mean, hyung? At the very least, I love Sunoo hyung the most, I love him more than all of you combined. He was-.”
“He was?” Jake probed and Ni-ki felt his heart drop at his feet.
“Sunoo is a hard shell to crack, didn’t we all say so before? He’s open yet so fucking close at the same time. But didn’t you also break his barriers earlier than all of us? You broke his barrier that he allowed you on his bed, he allowed you to cling to him, and he allowed you with everything that we’re still trying to reach up until now. Because he’s like that, but what changed Ni-ki?”
“He changed his hair color! I told him I liked it black!” Ni-ki reasoned out, his chest heaved from frustration and from his emotions he’d been holding back two years after things went batshit crazy.
“Ni-ki, don’t you think it’s time to accept the fact that Sunoo’s world doesn’t revolve around you anymore? He’s growing, and so are we. We outgrow phases-.”
“Am I just a phase in his life then?”
“No. You were his life back then, but he’s got a life of his own now. It doesn’t mean that you’re out of the picture, you’ll always be part of the picture, probably taking a bigger chunk of it. Still, there are other people now, because that’s how it’s supposed to be.” Jake smiled fondly at him, for his love for his Sunoo that’s overbearing at times, and although he did think that it fluctuated, it never did. Ni-ki still craved for Sunoo, but he refused to show it as much as he did before.
“Ni-ki, I’m sure you love him more than anything else in this world. I’m sure he knows that all too well. But you distanced yourself first, didn’t you? This push and pull that the two of you have started when you realized that change actually scared the shit out of you. It’s okay though, there’s nothing wrong when you feel scared, but maybe you should tell him? After all, Sunoo never fails to accept you no matter how many times you turn your back on him.”
Ni-ki sure is unafraid, unwavering, and well, he was. For all the times his Sunoo cried on their tours, he took a step back to not fucking breakdown because there’s nothing more painful than seeing his youth cry. For all the times Sunoo took a step forward, he took a lap back to where the bearer of the sun wouldn’t be able to reach him. And, for all the times his Sunoo spent overthinking what went wrong, he repressed his emotions because it felt like the only option.
Ni-ki is scared, he’s fucking scared, because Sunoo’s scent has become unfamiliar. The crevices Sunoo had carved in his whole being are starting to feel like holes, like gaps and Ni-ki thinks there shouldn’t be anyone else to fill it. Ni-ki sure is scared, but he swallows the lump in his throat as he recites his message for his Sunoo’s birthday.
When the notification from Weverse dings, he pushes himself up to lean on the wall of their waiting room. His feet continue to bounce and he looks around only to see his members all watching the same live, whipped motherfuckers, that’s still mine. He claims and he almost forgets that it’s now his message being read.
“From afar? Do it a bit closer!” Ni-ki jumps in his seat and breathes a sigh of relief. He tries holding his lips with his fingers only for it to break into a huge smile. His older members continue to watch the live show but all he can think about is how to talk to the bearer of the sun, the subject of his youth, and his entire being molded in a different form.
“It’s not the hair color, hyung.” He quietly says when he rode with Jake in their shared van. Jake only ruffles his hair, “I’m sure it’s not. Go talk to him later, okay? We have to enjoy the concert.”
If it were any other day, attending AGUST D’s concert would be so much fun, but Ni-ki couldn’t stay still in his seat and as much as he wants to look back to see Sunoo, their company told them to be careful with their interaction as they are in a larger crowd.
The ride home was uneventful, as it always is. Ni-ki treads behind Sunoo, his breathing almost as heavy as the burden of his young mind had taken all because change was kind of a relative that he was anxious to see on each gathering. He already sent a message to their separate group chat called sunoo’s to not bother them because he’s about to open up wounds and patch them up himself. He named the group chat, don’t ask why, because his elder members might have let him hog Sunoo but they still long for him, and Ni-ki lets him anyway because it’s what his Sunoo deserves. To be loved, for always.
He follows Sunoo silently to their shared room, his fingers clasped together as he watches the smaller one climb to his designated area to charge his phone. He looks beautiful from afar, but Ni-ki knows more than anyone else how Kim Sunoo looks ethereal up close. How nothing and nobody compares.
“Ni-ki?” Sunoo calls him softly and he almost stops being cool when tears threaten to fall from his eyes.
“Hyung, I love all your hair colors.” He starts and he feels stupid for saying that but no one should dare blame him because he’s now facing a deity. A deity he has been worshipping for so long, he thinks it’s too good to be true to be able to watch him from below.
“Huh? Wait, let me come down-”
“No! Oh, um, I’m not mad- just, stay there? I’ll lose it if you’re near.”
“What…”
“Will you listen to me now?” He watches Sunoo blink profusely and he falls so fucking hard for the umpteenth time in this lifetime. Sunoo then meekly nods and stays on the top bunk.
“I never hated any of your hair colors. I know I once said that it didn’t suit you but it was a spur of the moment, because… because you changing your hair color somehow meant something different to me. It feels like you’re becoming someone I don’t know anymore, and I hate that.” He whispers the last part, his voice breaking and his facade slowly but surely rids itself in front of the only man he will ever love.
“I hate that you are starting to become unfamiliar, I hate that sometimes I forget what you smell like, I hate that you get to be happy in a place where you’re not with me, I hate that it was possible for you to lead a life without needing much from me because I crave for you, hyung. I was, I am, and I always will crave for you. And so in each color that you spend without me, I start to hate all of it. I fucking hate being pushed out the picture of your life, hyung.”
“Ni-ki, I… didn’t you step away first? You’ve always told me that it takes two to tango and although I found it difficult to catch up with you, I still did it, right?” Ni-ki takes a deep breath, his lower lip trembling as he finally takes a step forward, and then some more. He’s now face to face with his Sunoo, with tears free-falling on his beautiful face.
“I’m sorry, hyung. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.” He continually says, climbing up to Sunoo’s bed which was once where he slept the most. He takes Sunoo’s shaking hands and places it on his chest as he draws their bodies closer.
“I was… I was always waiting! I was so confused because I didn’t even know how and why everything went wrong. I kept waiting for you.” Ni-ki accepts the weak punches on his chest, and Ni-ki accepts that he’s at fault. He then cups Sunoo’s rosy cheeks, it’s warm and so fucking familiar, it feels like finally coming home. He drops a chaste kiss on the older’s lips who hiccups from the sudden intimacy.
“I love you, Sunoo hyung.” Sunoo blinks at him and he loudly laughs before leaning down to pull the older’s lower lip open for him. He delves in with his tongue and his other hand goes to grip Sunoo’s waist, hard . His blood rushes south when he hears Sunoo whimper, fuck, he’s about to hear more of that for the upcoming days, months, and years.
“I love you so fucking much, I’d destroy the world to have you in all ways.” He declares, pulling Sunoo to straddle him properly. Sunoo’s arms are now draped over his shoulders, chest heaving from the kiss they just shared. His pretty hyung looks dazed and he can’t help it when he noses the older’s neck down to his clavicle, dropping small kisses.
“I’m sorry it took me so long, hyung.”
“I love you, Riki.” He purses his lips to stop himself from smiling but he can’t fucking help it because Sunoo looks so perfect perched on his lap, cheeks tinted red and lips swollen. He genuinely thinks Sunoo is the most beautiful, especially when he’s the one giving him colors.
“I love you more than you love me.” He responds, and buries his face back to where it belongs, to Sunoo’s neck. He inhales the familiar citrusy scent, and nips on the milky skin for it to turn reddish. He’d love to watch it become purple, and then make new red ones.
“How does that work?” Sunoo asks, and he preens when the smaller one cranes his neck to give him more access.
“You don’t have to ask, I’ll just have to show you.” Ni-ki simply says and slowly lays down the bed with his Sunoo still in his arms, as where he should be.
“Hyung, I kinda miss being buried somewhere.” He blurts out, gone were all the awkwardness and unfamiliarity.
“Huh? You’re giving me a whiplash in just a matter of minutes, Ni-ki.” He snorts at the bark in Sunoo’s tone, he surely missed this.
“Kinda miss being buried underneath your thighs or ass.” He says and basks at the burst of reaction he’s receiving.
“You kid!”
“Your kid, and your chair. This is why I religiously follow your skincare routine. I have to be the best chair ever- ow! Look, you have to understand me, hyungie. The members want to be your chair as well and I have to surpass all of them. Sunghoon hyung and Jake hyung are great contenders, have you seen their noses? It’s good for you to sit on-.”
“I didn’t need to know that!” Sunoo whisper-yells and Ni-ki laughs so hard.
“Fine, but my point still stands. I miss it, just everything , you know?” Sunoo’s eyes then soften and Ni-ki sighs with content when the older peppers his face with butterfly kisses.
“I’m here now, and you’re here, too. We’ll be okay, baby.”
“We’ll make sure of it, right?” He asks, and he’s now back to being fourteen years old.
“Mhm, we will. We’re a team!”
For the first time, after their silence, after their push and pull, and after blaming all the colors to ever exist, Ni-ki finally sleeps with his Sunoo hyung on the same bed, again. Now, with an assurance that when changes get scary, he won’t be alone anymore.