Work Text:
And for what it felt like a hundredth time…
I am backed into the abyss,
which I thought I already left.
Ike sighs, his soft hair dancing with the whispers of the wind. It was a scene to which he held himself with pride, but somehow the pride he once knew is nothing but a strange attachment he can't reckon. How can he wield a confidence that slipped away from his fingers? It's beyond his control and the damage has been done. So he sat in silence, the willows which he had sought refuge listening to his heartbeat in a broken melody of despair and desperation.
I felt sorry, because
It felt heavy on my chest
Or because it's better to apologize
His heart was broken and his purpose was far too blurry to be understood, it was all too overwhelming to bear that the pain subsided or was it because he grew too accustomed to it he became numb? Nevertheless, each night was a struggle and each dawn was never a sign of hope nor a chance for change but another light that cues what has been a tormenting book he’s been casted.
Ike takes off his glasses, his eyes fluttering and adjusting without it, and for a brief moment the world looks like a better place. It was just a placebo effect, a deception he made himself to believe to see the world in a different light, even if it's just for a glimpse of his time. His face was a lot clearer too, there was a refreshing look on his face yet the subtleness of his melancholia is too great to be hidden easily, but it was a better look, it was lighter for the heart to handle.
Luca watches Ike from his backdoor, how the other was sitting quietly on a bench near the waters, it has been long since the novelist had moved in the woods, far from the busking urban streets. He claimed that he wanted a change of scenery, that the air back in the city has become too rancid to endure. But Luca isn’t dumb, maybe the rest of Luxiem would’ve bought it, but not him. He had already spent a ridiculous amount of time staring at him to be not fooled, he had his eyes on him locked for a while. If only…
Luca shook his head and went back inside his small house. Ike had a small kitchen and a living room filled with things he loved, a bookshelf with books he had written and an array of books his friends had given him. Luca admires the space, it was built like a safe haven for Ike where he can feel that there are beautiful things in life despite its ugly angles. He picks up a lazily tossed newspaper and reads the headline, ‘A rising Detective: Mysta Rias’, Luca can’t help but smile, Ike may have left the city lights but he had never missed a chance to be updated on Luxiem’s lives, he just chose to live somewhere far.
“Luca? I…I didn’t know you’re visiting.” The doors creaked open and the soft sunset light illuminated a part of Ike’s house; he had small windows, so the doors let most light in. Luca fumbles and places the newspaper back and shyly turns to see Ike; he’s already wearing his glasses again, but he looked better, maybe his familiar face lifted some of his spirit? He’s being delusional and throws away the thought. He clears his throat and smiles, he misses Ike, there has not been a day that he and the boys wished Ike hadn’t moved, that he stayed in his apartment since it served as their nook for years, but some things are inevitable and this one is a part of it.
“I’m sorry for not telling you in advance Ike, I happened to have some business over your nearest city so I thought I’d pay you a visit.” Luca explains, his blonde locks really complimented his skin and highlighted his features especially in a warm gaze of the sinking sun. He seemed to look the same, he had always been a big guy with a big heart, and Ike appreciates him. But as Luca isn’t dumb, Ike too wasn't ignorant of Luca’s real intentions. If it was business as he said, he’d come by the next morning, he dislikes mixing his job with personal life so he had always put things on schedule, but there was an exception to this:
Ike smiled at him. “You don’t need excuses to visit Luca, you’re one of my trusted companions, I feel happy that you came to see me.” Luca coughs and looks away to try and hide his flushed face, but it was too late Ike had already seen the red tint all over his cheeks. He can’t escape those eyes, what can he do if they look at him like that? It leaves him helpless and breathless to his every whims, it’s like a sick joke that ridicules him in his mind.
"You caught me." Luca laughs and shyly scratches his nape, he looks back at Ike who had a smile on his face, he's glad that he can finally smile after everything that happened , even if it's not the same smile that beams with radiance and warmth he got used to, the one that washes away all the stress and exhaustion from your body at first sign. Although, it still feels nice to see him smile, slowly, maybe he will smile like he used to again, that’s what Luca liked to think, but on the back of his mind he knows what he dreamed right now may stay in his dreams forever and buried deep into the abyss of his bottomless memories about him; with him. It stings, Luca can’t deny it any longer, he’s done playing dumb to himself when he knew the truth all along, even if the day they can all laugh together carelessly it will never be the same, change was indeed inevitable and right now Luca hoped he can alter the path of fate.
Maybe, I got used to constant
And when change came, I became stupid
Wishing that things remained the same
Luca asked Shu about it, if his powers can interfere with how the stars aligned themselves and whisper to the gods to change the trajectory of destiny. It was an absurd question but Luca wanted to shoot his chance, he was desperate, desperate enough to try and challenge the universe. Shu gave him a meaningful look, he was silent and never gave him the answer, but before Luca could even ask him, he already knew the answer. He just wanted to be sure, maybe he’d have a change of heart and for once he’ll yield and indulge Luca with his madness.
Maybe deep inside he hoped Shu would have answered differently, ‘Yes, and I’ll help you’ but reality is often bitter and Luca knows this better. He sighed remembering his attempt to convince Shu, but it was in vain, he was righteous and knows the consequence if he tries to mess the astral placements, it may make Luca’s life better or worse, it was a gamble that Shu won’t risk for the better good.
“Hello? Earth to Luca?” Ike peers at him, his soft golden eyes examining him. Too close, Luca jumps in surprise and dramatically clutches his chest. He huffs and fixes the sleeves of his polo and looks at Ike, “I’m sorry, were you saying something?” He asks to compose himself back, his back straightened and his face litting up. He visited Ike to catch up so why waste the time to be solemn in his own thoughts.
“I appreciate that you came to see me, but I know you’re here to check on me too, maybe on behalf of the boys? I’m not sure, but I’m doing fine… This place has been giving me peace and time to pick myself back together. I’ve been doing some thinking as of late too, but it’s still too hard for me to actually get past it without crumbling.” Ike smiled, there was a glint at the edge of his glasses that sparkled when he spoke, or maybe it was just Luca’s delusions, but he was glad to hear that Ike has been slowly feeling better. It was hard for everyone, but Ike had to take the most impact, and he just wanted to help him be at ease. “That’s good to know, but you can’t blame us if we worry about you. You’re all alone here, you can stay at my property, I’ll let you have your own garden, we’ll be less worried.” Luca suggests, his frame leaning against Ike’s stone walls. Now that he looks around again, the living room is rather filled with trinkets they gave Ike than his own things.
Ike sighs and shakes his head, he walks up to his small kitchen and prepares two small cups. He carefully prepares tea for both of them, leaving Luca’s question hanging.
“Let’s not go through that topic again.” Ike says sternly, he looked outside his windows and sighs followed by the kettles whistle. He pours them a cup of tea, and invites Luca to sit and feel more comfortable in his humble living room, “I can look after myself, I’m an adult, Luca.”
Luca sighs, Ike has always been this stubborn, he wants things to go his way but sometimes what he wants isn’t always the best. He takes a sip of the tea Ike prepared, the surge of memories and familiarity rushing over his body as if it’s the first time he had his tea brewed by Ike. Luca can still remember when he called tea boiled leaves, and Ike went red and fuming mad that he didn’t talk to him for weeks. It was a fond memory, one of the first memories he had with him; and first of many encounters that Luca felt a strange feeling that he can’t input his words into, he thought if he asked Ike about it since he’s a novelist then it may ease him, but he never found the courage to tell him.
But it was only in the first few encounters that Luca made a fool of himself just to get his attention, his slow advances that he never realized, the delight it brought to his heart whenever Ike would laugh heartily at his jokes even if they were lame, yet he enjoyed his jokes.
“I’m sorry Ike, I know you didn’t enjoy the topic and I even brought it up.” Luca says as he places his teacup back on the coaster, he looks at Ike softly, like he’s carefully treading what to say next. Ike just smiled and shook his head, “It’s fine.” No. it isn’t, Luca wanted to say it out loud but he stops himself and just nods, he can’t really contradict Ike now, can he?
“I shouldn't have been hostile towards you.”
I wanted to say things
But change has already caught up
And I felt I was already too late
“Ike…” Luca calls for his name, his fingers tracing the lip of his teacup, his eyes finding everything but to make an eye contact with him. He sighs and quietly fidgets on his seat, Ike watches him with great curiosity, he may have an idea of what he wanted to talk about, but jumping into conclusions isn’t a part of his character and refraining himself, the disappointment would be less if he didn’t have expectations right? Luca heaves a heavy breath, he came a long way, it wasn’t just to check on Ike, it was something more. He wanted to be brave, he wanted to express what his heart whispers to him, what the stars told him to do, or maybe he’s just bringing them into the equation so he can blame them if things don’t go well.
He’s so selfish, how can he think of his own when Ike nor his friends have never fully recovered from what happened back on that rainy evening. Sometimes he’d wonder how Ike would smile more if it wasn’t raining back then and the roads weren’t slippery, there were tons of what ifs in his mind, and a part of this right now is something so daring he’d never thought he found himself planning to do. Maybe he read too many novels of Fitzgerald that he wanted to feel the romance he described, a feeling so strange and foreign to a man who never experienced love. He’s been selfless, he sacrificed his fragile inexperience heart for Ike’s faded smile, and maybe this time around he can have an ounce of that attention, the kind that he starved, the kind he envied, the kind of attention that’s completely undivided and sees past through his flaws and still thinks that he’s worthy to be loved.
“Luca, what is it?” Ike asks, curiosity creeping from his core, he looks at him from his habits and subconscious changes in his facial reaction. He observed how he flinched and fell back into his thoughts like he’s walking on thin ice, rethinking and walking over and over what words he should say, or how he should say it. How his chest goes up and down, his breathing slightly falling frantic but messily calms himself together, a facade that he’s unfazed and composed but failing.
“I…” Luca sighed, his fingers fidgeting as he clasps his hands together and exhales trying to relieve his nerves from the tension, “Could you give me a chance Ike?” his words slipped out of his tongue unprepared, he had thought of many different ways to say it and it came out like this. He looks at his shoe, scared for what Ike may say, he knows the answer, he always knows the answer, Luca isn’t dumb, or maybe he’s more than dumb since he chose to put himself through situations where he ends on the bad end.
Ike chuckles, he pushes his glasses up and sits back on his chair, his back resting on the backrest. He knew about it, Luca was never subtle but his eyes were locked on someone else before so he never acknowledged it and it was a hunch that he had even though Mysta clearly told him that Luca likes him back then. But, Ike’s heart belonged to someone else during those days, a different person that makes him smile, a different person that brightens up his day and makes each dawn a hopeful signal of morrow,
Simultaneously, I wanted to run away
but I was too enchanted
I wanted to be yours
“Luca…” Ike gasps, he expected this but when it actually happened he’s lost for words. Luca is the kind of guy that you should treasure, he’s nothing but a ball of sunshine and rainbows, a mere sight of him was a day brightener, yet Ike’s heart is beating a name he can’t hold in his arms anymore. He looks away and silently thinks to himself, Luca isn’t asking much really, he just wants a chance but Ike can’t bring himself to say anything. He opens his mouth and closes it right away, undecided to which words would fit together so they would hurt less, but he knows no matter how he word it, it will be painful. Ike sighs, his eyes longing and looking at a distance.
Ike hasn’t said a word yet Luca already knows what answer he would give him, he expected this so why does it feel like his heart is being ripped out from his chest and getting bulldozed by a dozen trucks. “You don’t have to tell me, I know it’s still him right? I’m just being selfish… I’m sorry.”
“Luca…” Ike sighs, his lips pursed together and silently stared at his floor. “You don’t have to say sorry, you know? It’s your feelings.” He says plainly, he’s being considerate to Luca and he knows it but Luca at that very moment wanted to be a fool and misunderstood his words and beg for a chance that if not now maybe in the future, it doesn’t matter how long he has to wait if Ike can look at him with the adoration that blends with the romance he longed.
“It’s still him, I can’t change it…” Ike confesses, he looked down, reminiscing the past he wanted to escape so badly, but the past kept haunting him. Vox was his first, his first love, his first boyfriend, his first everything and after that one particular rainy evening, Ike felt his world collapse. Each passing day that he remembers that Vox will no longer wake up beside him or crack him up with the most random fact with the things he is obsessed with, he was the biggest dork Ike knew and it was simply endearing. He loved him like his other half, a part of his life that made each dawn bearable. Luca knows this fact, he can’t compete against something or someone that Ike treasured so much, he called him his twin flame, the man that came to his life at random and made each passing second worth living. He just can’t compete with that.
“If I could give you a chance…I would, you’re one of the most amazing people I know, Luca, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready again to accept people inside my heart.” Luca nods defeatedly, damn it still hurts like hell even if he had seen this coming, he just hoped that maybe just one chance.
“You can use me, just…just look at me, please.” There was a hint of desperation in Luca's voice, his lips quivering while he begged for the attention, the affection, and what it’s like to be a center of someone’s love. Ike looked at him, his eyes were different, it was nothing like he had seen, as if he pities him. “I can’t do that to you Luca, please…”
Desperation was never a trend
But I learn to be desperate
If it's what it takes for you to see me