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Anguished screams filled the small home, his body hitting the floor with a loud thump, hands holding his head as the tears poured down his cheeks, eyes wide and bloodshot. The screams bounced off the walls, giving him a headache, but he couldn’t stop, no matter how hard he tried; the thoughts that engulfed his mind brought him the worst pain imaginable, and it was getting hard to bear.
His screams slowly turned to loud wails, his body trembling and shaking as he sat on the floor, curled in a ball, sobbing for his wife. He was battling with himself yet again, the heavy weight of his actions over the last several hundred years crushing his soul, driving him over the edge; he was descending into madness, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Xiao practically ripped the gloves off his hands, exposing his wrists and forearms, and immediately, he pressed a nail to his vein, digging deep into the skin and splitting apart his flesh, watching the blood dribble out. It was not an activity he often partook in, but when he did, it was freeing and it felt good. Like all his worries were being melted away with each slice of his claw-like nails, cutting open his flesh and giving him the freedom and pain that he wanted.
He kept scratching, digging deep into his skin, until there was nowhere left to split, until his arms were covered in blood and it stung; until the pain was unbearable and he couldn’t stand it any longer. He was shaking, the cold, bitter air stinging the wounds and causing him to tense up, the loud wailing never stopping, getting especially worse as the sting spreads through his body.
It was not enough, it would never be enough, all he wanted to do was bleed out, but his nails did not give the satisfaction that he wanted, and so he began to cry even louder, hands falling to the floor.
Hands turned to fists, and he began to bang on the floor, his sobbing turning angry and even more painful than before, his throat on fire as the screams spilled from his mouth. No matter how weak his arms felt, or how much they stung, or how he felt the bones in his fists weakening as he slammed the wood floors over and over, he would not stop, not until he felt satisfied.
As he continued his assault on the floors, all the memories rushed through his head, of the killing and the murdering he’d done for centuries, flashing through his mind and turning his thoughts an ugly colour of angry red. He could not stop his tears, couldn’t stop the screaming, even if his throat burned and begged to rest, he just couldn’t.
The sting pulsed through his forearms, weakening his strength as he continued to slam on the floors, screaming out in anguish, the thoughts in his mind weighing him down and driving him mad.
It was becoming increasingly hard to breathe, his sobbing getting louder and louder with each moment that passed, his wailing becoming so intense that his entire body lurched forward with each powerful sob.
He collapsed to the floor, his arms finally weakened and red, the bones in his fingers shattered and twisted from all the extreme banging on the floors, the blood on his wrists and forearms dripping down between his fingers and pooling slightly on the floor, all while he screamed and begged for his mind to just let go of it all.
The doorknob to the home rattled, and he cried even harder, gasping for air between each bout of sobbing, uncurling himself from the ball he was in and looking towards the door. He had no doubts that he looked absolutely pathetic, tears streaming down his face with each second that passed, hiccuping and coughing for air, but he didn’t care. All he wanted was his wife.
As soon as Yelan walked through the door, she immediately dropped everything she was holding, rushing to her husband’s side with a loud gasp, “Oh no, oh, baby, what did you do to yourself?”
She knelt beside him, her hand immediately grabbing his shoulder and pulling him onto his back, and he didn’t do anything in response but wail her name, his face covered in his own tears, eyes puffy and cheeks red. Yelan felt tears prick her eyes, and she looked to the side, bringing an arm up to cover her face as she began to quietly sob, but it was no use; what’s the point of hiding her own emotion, when he is trusting her with his?
“What did you do…. Why did you…?” Her vision was blurry as she scanned his injuries, noticing his mangled fingers, how the bone seemed to be shattered, like he was punching something over and over again. She pulled him up to check the extent of his injuries, however, he immediately wrapped his arms around her, pulling himself as close to her as he could get and sobbing into her neck, wailing loudly.
Yelan could not hold her own tears back anymore at his sudden act of desperation, and she began to cry, holding him close as his body trembled and shook with each powerful sob that came out of him. She has no idea what happened while she was gone, but what she does know is that it was intense enough to make him a mess, and she hates that she was not there sooner to help him.
She couldn’t care less if he was coating her back in blood, all she wanted was for him to just feel better, even if that meant being cradled in her arms for hours upon hours. She would do anything to see him stop crying; it hurt her heart too much.
“Yelan… Yelan,” He whispered, voice shaky as he gasped for breath, his sobs beginning to slow down when she pulled him close, “I’m… sorry… Sorry, it’s all my fault…”
“No, nothing is your fault, what is happening? It’s okay, honey, you didn’t do anything wrong…” She mumbled in his ear, her hand stroking his hair, fingers running through the strands in soothing motions, trying to get him to stop crying.
“I killed all those people, I killed all those monsters and everyone, it’s all my fault, I’m the reason they’re dead, I…”
She swallowed nervously, realizing that he was slowly descending into madness, “…Xiao, it’s okay. Nothing is your fault. I don’t know how to help you feel better, but I’m sorry you’re feeling like this,” She kissed the top of his head, hand sliding down his back, slipping under his shirt and rubbing his skin, “I love you. So much. Don’t forget that.”
“I love you too,” His voice cracked as he uttered the words back to her, hoarse and scratchy, the tears still pouring down his cheeks, “Can you hold me like this for a bit?”
“Of course.”
Cradling him like a baby, she whispered soothing words to him, noticing how his breathing began to return to a normal pace, how the sobbing slowed down, and how his body stopped shaking with each second that passed. She kissed his head every so often, trying to remind him that she was there, and that she would always be there, no matter what.
He lifted his head from her neck, inching himself a little farther from her, before staring up into her eyes with a sad expression on his face; he looked absolutely exhausted, cheeks wet with tears, eyes red and bloodshot, lip quivering; she could not help but feel her heart shatter as she observed the state that he was in.
“Help… help me…” He whispered to her, and she stood up, still holding him in her arms, and he wrapped himself around her as she carried him like he was nothing but a feather. She walked to the bathroom, setting him down on the floor and immediately reaching for the first-aid kit beneath the countertop.
When she applied the ointment to his wounds, he yelped, snatching his arm out of her grasp and trying to hold it away from her, the stinging being too much to bear after all that he’d gone through already, “No… it hurts.”
Gently, she takes his arm back, holding it with a steady grip, but a careful one, as to not hurt him, “I have to clean your wounds, Xiao. I’m sorry it hurts, but it will be over soon, I promise.”
He whimpers, but allows her to continue treating his wounds, understanding that she’s trying to be as gentle as she can, “Yelan… I’m sorry.”
She looks up at him, a sad smile on her face, “There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“But I… I made you worry, and now you’re cleaning my wounds, when I should be doing that…”
“It’s okay. I would do anything to make sure you’re okay, Xiao. I love you. I would do anything for you.” She kisses the top of his hand, before grabbing a bandage and wrapping it around the cuts on his wrist and forearm, making sure that it was tight enough to clot any future bleeding and keep the skin from splitting open even more.
“Yelan…” Xiao whispered, his lip quivering as he stared at her, lurching forward and trapping her in a hug. At first, she was a little surprised, but quickly, she melted into the embrace, kissing his shoulder and holding him tightly.
“You are my everything, Xiao. There is nothing in this world that means more to me than you,” She pulled away from him, grabbing his other arm and beginning the same treatment on it, “You are my one and only. It’ll stay like that forever. I promise.”
Once she had finished applying the ointment on that arm, she bandaged it as well, before taking a look at his bruised hands, inspecting the bones and making sure none were broken; the amount of damage he’d done to his hands was astronomical, but luckily for him, there were no broken bones.
He scooted closer to her, wrapping his arms around her neck again and pulling himself into her lap, “I love you, Yelan.”
“I love you more.” She held him tight, placing small kisses on his head every so often, rubbing his back to soothe him.
It didn’t take long for him to pass out in her arms, exhausted from the amount of crying and screaming he’d done that night; she has no doubts that he would be sleeping well into the day tomorrow, but he would be safe and comfortable with her; there was no way she was going to leave him while he’s in this vulnerable state.
Picking him up yet again, he quietly groans, stirring slightly, but she shushes him, carrying him over to their bedroom and laying him gently on the bed, covering him up with the blanket. She leaned down, kissing his forehead and caressing his cheek with her hand, “I love you to the moon and back. I promise you, I will always be here for you. I will never let you get so distressed again.”
One day, he will be brave enough to talk about his past, everything that haunts him, but in the present moment, she will be patient and wait till he is comfortable. One day, she will finally understand why he acts the way he does.
But that day is not today, and that is okay. She will wait for however long it takes; even if it takes decades, she will be there every step of the way.
No matter what, she will be there.
And that’s a promise.