Archive of Our Own

it starts when jinki finds minho crowding kibum against the wall.

no, that’s not true.

it doesn’t exactly start then; that’s a more of a catalyst which sets into motion the chain of events that follows, but it is not precisely the beginning. he’s pretty sure the Feelings have been there for a while, tucked away neatly in some corner, unnoticed.

this, however. this is difficult not to notice.

jinki watches as kibum’s back hits the wall and minho’s hands land on the other’s waist to steady him in response. minho’s fingers are long, and kibum’s waist is tiny, but somehow, they seem to slot into the indents like a perfect fit.

it’s hard not to notice the way that minho leans down, invading kibum’s personal space (which the members have learned by now to avoid). it’s impossible to miss the way that kibum’s eyes flutter closed, his fingers instinctively looping around minho’s wrist, frozen with conflict between pushing him away and pulling him closer.

the decision is made for him when taemin barges through the door. they leap apart, kibum immediately picking up cushions off the sofa and dusting them, while minho collapses onto the sofa and hogs the other cushions.

taemin joins minho on the sofa as kibum nags at them for undoing his effort to tidy, and jinki just watches. he keeps watching when kibum and minho start bickering with a practiced ease. he does nothing even when taemin props his feet up on the sofa, innocently pushing a cushion off the edge with his toe, and kibum reacts instantly.

it makes jinki wonder if he is really so invisible.

he doesn’t move until jonghyun comes out of his room to break up the impending fight, throwing a questioning look his way as the others finally notice his presence.

*

it’s hard to be noticed in a group with four inherently more charismatic individuals.

jinki is aware that he should be grateful – some groups like super junior have almost three times as many members as shinee. that’s three times as many people to share the spotlight with. people think jinki doesn’t see things, but even he feels the undercurrent of tension between the more favoured members and those on the sidelines within those groups. in almost every band, it’s clear who is more popular amongst the fans, even without sneakily using the search engine on their manager’s computer to find member rankings online.

yet some days, jinki can’t help but question if it is truly the attention of the fans that he’s seeking.

*

kibum is alone with jinki when they’re hanging the laundry onto the drying rack, except not really, because now wherever key goes, minho goes too. minho isn’t really with them – after all, he left to go the gym two hours ago – but somehow, he’s still in the room.

now, it is always kibum-and-minho whenever jinki is around one of them. something about it doesn’t sit right. he’s had a few days to unpick at the reason why, beginning to unravel the tangled strings of emotions, only to purposefully twist those threads together back into a messy knot the moment he gets too close to figuring it out.

the air between them feels muggy but jinki doesn’t know if that’s only on his end, what with the proverbial minho in the room.

“so, minho-“ jinki works up the courage to speak but leaves it hanging.

kibum raises an eyebrow. “what about him?”

“he spends a lot of time at the gym nowadays, doesn’t he?” smooth. “sounds tiring to me.”

kibum wrings out a pair of trousers that jinki recognises as minho’s. “i think it’s good. builds stamina.”

to which jinki bites back an of course you’d like that.

kibum pulls a sleeveless t-shirt out of the laundry basket, eyes lingering on jinki for just a second too long before he speaks again. “besides, jonghyun does it too. takes any opportunity he can to show off his biceps now that he’s bulked up a bit.”

“probably a good thing,” jinki replies distractedly. his brain is still processing the possibility that kibum suspects that jinki suspects about kibum-and-minho. “shows shinee is growing out of the young-boys-next-door image for our comeback.”

the corner of kibum’s mouth quirks up at that, not a proper smirk but not a smile either. “of course you’d like it.”

and now jinki’s mind is reeling, because what does kibum even mean by that? jonghyun and minho have definitely filled out a bit – it would be impossible for anyone not to notice, and… well, if jinki spends a tad too long looking at the way their newly acquired biceps flex after a gym session, he’s hardly to blame. besides, as shinee’s leader, it’s his job to notice these things so he can suggest a more fitting concept for their next big production meeting.

(on days when he is truly honest with himself, he can bring himself to admit sm gives exactly zero fucks about his opinions as leader so it’s really not in his job description.)

a confused “hm?” is all jinki manages to get out.

kibum considers him for a moment, before shaking his head and turning his attention back to the clothesline. “doesn’t matter.”

with that, jinki returns to the task at hand, unable to shake off the notion that whatever kibum was alluding to does actually matter a great deal.

*

ring ding dong is a bigger success than anyone could have anticipated.

it garners the attention of not only their korean fans, but also their international fanbase more than any other song shinee have released so far, and jinki thinks he gets it. after all, the emotional depth of its lyricism transcends the societal barriers of language[1], what with the universal sentiment of ring ding dong ring ding dong ring diggi ding diggi ding ding ding –

still, jinki himself isn’t a fan. none of them really are, except minho, who seems to be a genuine ring ding dong enjoyer. jinki doesn’t despise the song either, not in the way that kibum scrunches up his nose in distaste the moment the opening ‘babeyyy’ bellows through their practice room.

what jinki does like about the song, though, is seeing minho’s eyes light up with passion when chorus begins; he likes seeing the hypnotic swish of minho’s ponytail as he starts dancing with unmatchable energy. he likes the way that taemin starts humming the catchy tune while doing his homework, the bow of his lips stretching up in a way that jinki has never seen directed at his school books. he likes the way that a genuine laugh escapes kibum’s throat even as he threatens to permanently ring ding dong this fucking aux cord to minho’s fucking ass if minho doesn’t shut the fuck up and change the song. (although jinki privately shudders to think of what a waste that would be of minho’s perfect bubble butt).

but the thing he might the like the most about this song is that it is the first to ease a little of the increasing tension in jonghyun’s shoulders. he likes it for the fact that its success is the reason he gets a clear, dizzying view of jonghyun’s real laugh, the kind where the light bounces off his sharp lower canines.

for that last one alone, jinki thinks that maybe someday he’d like to resurrect a shrine in its greatness. if jinki gets his way, ten years down the line, he’ll have the opportunity to immortalise the song in its full glory, plaster its lyrics in big, bold red all over the walls of a museum dedicated to kpop’s most beloved treasures[2].

jinki smiles to himself as he imagines jonghyun’s reaction to that. perhaps that will finally be the day when all the remaining tension lifts off jonghyun’s shoulders. perhaps that will be the day he gets to experience the full effect of jonghyun’s bright, teeth-glinting-in-the-sunshine grin again, the one that he’s seldom gotten a glimpse of since the day they debuted.

*

they celebrate their success with a movie night.

well, they celebrate it in many ways, jinki supposes, but this one is special because it is at the dorm with only the members and no camera in sight.

usually, this sort of thing would result in a dramatic showdown of pigheadedness, with kibum insulting minho’s macho-man movies and minho’s voice reaching undiscovered decibels even as jonghyun hides both of their chosen dvds so his own pick wins. taemin, meanwhile, is content with anything as long as he gets his own bowl of popcorn.

contrary to popular belief, jinki does actually have an opinion but is (wisely) more invested in ensuring that shinee doesn’t disband before midnight than he is in passing his vote on the merit of moulin rouge.

this time, however, is different.

minho puts up no resistance when his dvd of choice is rejected. kibum makes no snide remark about minho’s bad taste when his movie is also outvoted. and jonghyun is just enough on the wrong side of a-little-under-the-weather to bother with snatching up the remote and claiming his victory.

this time, jinki gets to choose, which is such a rare occurrence that he is entirely unprepared for it and spends fifteen minutes just coming to a decision.

by the time jinki returns to the living room with a dvd in hand, the rest of them have already settled in: kibum, minho, and jonghyun on the bigger sofa, and taemin with a bowl of popcorn (exclusively for himself) on his usual armchair.

jinki squeezes onto the end of the long sofa, testing the waters by poking one toe under jonghyun’s blanket as the movie begins. when there’s no complaint, jinki slides in the rest of his foot, to which jonghyun sniffles more obnoxiously than before but doesn’t kick him away. jinki takes this as a positive sign and slips his other foot into the warmth too.

he sighs happily. two toasty feet, fresh popcorn and a movie. what more could he ask for?

except he can’t quite focus on that last one because when he reaches over to grab another fistful of popcorn, he sees minho entwine his fingers into kibum’s on the sofa. kibum doesn’t move away, just shifts the edge of his blanket so their hands are hidden under it.

only now their feet are no longer covered by the blanket, and jinki can’t focus on the movie any longer because the sight of minho’s ankle curled around kibum’s is far too distracting.

he isn’t staring. no, jinki is determined to look straight at the screen ahead, but he can’t help it if his eyes flit to the side every once in a while. like when the cheesy humour on tv makes minho laugh particularly loudly, and his eyes sparkle, lighting up his whole face.

in fact, jinki is so preoccupied with watching the romantic movie playing on tv and ignoring the romantic movie playing out on the sofa next to him, that he completely misses the way jonghyun’s gaze lingers on kibum-and-minho.

and then on jinki.

and then back to minho-and-kibum.

and once again back to jinki, where it stays (unnoticed) until he eventually falls asleep.

*

“do you ever fantasise?” jinki starts, but the words come out wrong.

jonghyun rolls over in his bunk to face him. “does that mean what i think it means? because if so, the answer is definitely yes.”

and now jinki feels the heat rise to his cheeks, spreading to the tip of his ears. “no.” and then: “but in a way, yes? i mean, do you ever imagine what it would be like if things were different?”

jonghyun raises an eyebrow. “hmm, is this like a ‘what if’ scenario? what if we were all dirty rich and had more money than we could spend? i’d start by blowing it on a lambo[3].”

jinki frowns. clearly, jonghyun is on a different page entirely.

“okay, but what if one of us was a girl?” it’s hard, but jinki manages to say it. “or what if one of us was going out with someone else? in the group. do you think – is that a – what if it was…?”

“kibum and minho?” jonghyun finishes, and jinki deflates, whether from relief or something else he can’t pinpoint.

“oh my god, how did you know?”

jonghyun rolls his eyes. “ah yes, how could i have ever known, barring the fact that it has reached the point where it is completely and utterly obvious?”

jonghyun’s voice is that specific combination of exasperated and resigned that it sometimes takes on when he’s around jinki, but there’s an edge to it this time that he seems to be barely holding back. it feels unfair to jinki. he hasn’t done anything (as far as he can tell) to warrant this level of frustration, but jonghyun’s fingers are now clenched around the book he was reading, and his nostrils flare out with every breath.

“what’s your point?” jinki protests.

“my point,” jonghyun puts his book down, as if to punctuate his words, and looks jinki straight in the eyes. “is that if people paid just a bit more attention to others’ feelings, they wouldn’t be so blind to things going on around them all the time.”

jinki’s brow creases, because now he feels distinctly like he is missing something, a key piece of the puzzle.

it’s hard to think properly with jonghyun’s eyes burning into his like that though and maybe jonghyun can tell, because his voice is much softer when he speaks again. “it isn’t so difficult to figure people out if you look a bit more carefully, you know.”

jinki blinks. it feels like it’s impossible to keep up with jonghyun when he’s like this, and no matter how hard he thinks, jinki can’t quite fathom what brought this on. he chalks it down to another of jonghyun’s recent symptoms in the end, adding ‘mood swings’ to his mental list below ‘fever’, ‘cough’, ‘runny nose’ and ‘fatigue’.

jonghyun groans and falls back into his bed theatrically. “forget it,” he says, slinging his arm over his face, and his voice is muffled when he speaks into the crook of elbow. “i just… forget it. what were you saying before?”

“minho and kibum.” jinki says, glad to be in familiar territory. “i think they might like each other.”

a snort, dissolving into a cough that ends with splutters, but at least that makes jonghyun stop hiding his face in his arm. “i think so too.”

jinki doesn’t think he reacts to that particularly strongly, but jonghyun still asks, “why? are you worried about the fans finding it out?”

and now that jinki imagines it, it could be a disaster if the world found out. there were all sorts of layers to this, starting from does this make them gay (or bisexual? pansexual?) to a dating scandal when they’re barely even a year past their debut. it would definitely be the sort of scandal that would bring about the end of shinee, because while he knows other groups manage to date – they do it all the time, after all, it is human nature – they manage to keep it tightly under control. and they are definitely not dating another member of the same group.

but jinki knows kibum’s strict boundaries between professionalism and private life, and he knows minho’s love for the group, which he would prioritise above all else. jinki knows, even if he doesn’t necessarily want to admit it, that if anyone could make it work, it would be kibum and minho.

“no,” he shakes his head. “that’s not it.”

jonghyun tilts his head. “are you worried about the company then? or is this about what would happen to the group if they break up?”

once again, jinki knows that isn’t it, even if he can’t put a finger on what exactly his problem is. he shakes his head again.

jonghyun gives him an imperceptible look, considering for a moment before he speaks. “or are you more worried about what happens if they don’t break up? the long-term implications of this kind of relationship, and the toll it might take on them. the sacrifices they’ll have to make for it to not end badly.”

and this is what strikes a chord in jinki’s heart the most. the idea of a future where they’res still together. having to see more of the furtive glances, the innocuous touching. it makes him nauseous, and he finally recognises the bile rising up his throat for what it is.

jinki feels dumbstruck for a moment, but somehow his tongue manages to untangle itself enough to speak. “right. yeah. i think that’s what it is. you always know how to help, jonghyun.”

he’s dimly aware that these words are coming out of his mouth, but it feels like he can’t really control any of it.

jonghyun gives him a piercing look and rattles out a cough, before turning away to face the wall again. “that’s what i’m here for. to help you figure out your feelings when you don’t know yourself.”

jinki can’t help but think that maybe they were both having different conversations. that maybe it would have been easier if they were more direct about it.

but they tiptoed around it anyway, because it is as much in jinki’s nature to protect others from his unwelcome feelings[i], as it is in jonghyun’s nature to shield himself from the pain of inadvertent rejection.

*

minho’s hair is damp when he steps out of the shower, a faint fruity scent wafting through the open bathroom door.

it really is a cruel world, jinki thinks, because what is a man to do if something so perfect steps out of the shower.

it’s impossible to tear his eyes away from the bead of water that rolls down minho’s neck and disappears down his shirt.

minho is murmuring something about the pleasure of a hot shower after sweating it out at the gym, and jinki finds himself nodding along until minho prompts him with an uncertain, “hyung?”

“no, i totally get it,” jinki says sagely.

which makes minho laugh, because jinki has never even stepped foot in the gym, but jinki doesn’t really mind when the corner of minho’s eyes crease and his head falls back with his loud guffaws.

what jinki does mind is the small stutter of his heart, and the sudden clarity of it all now that he’s actually paying attention.

*

people often say that shinee’s onew is clumsy.

no one ever realises that it is jinki’s heart that is clumsier. it likes to flounder and stumble and fall. and occasionally, it will break, but by the time it has picked itself up and pieced the broken shards back together, everyone will have moved on.

this is how jinki gets left behind.

he loves so carefully, so gently, that people aren’t aware of the love they quietly receive. sometimes, jinki himself doesn’t realise the love he gives away, until there isn’t much left behind for himself at all.

*

jonghyun becomes ill enough that he needs to take time off.

jinki’s first thought is that he should have seen this coming.

but he’s been so selfishly focussed on his own worries, so absorbed in his own irrelevant epiphanies that he’s neglected to look after one of his own members, failed in his only real job as leader. as always.

that should be the good thing about being a group of five. there are only four others for him to keep track of, and it should be a much easier job than that of a larger group. unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it), it means that there are fewer people to get to know, and you start to learn these people inside out, making it easier to blur the boundary between co-workers and friends whom you care deeply for.

it also means there are only four of them to rely on if one member is down. only four people to lift up the weight of all that it means to be shinee and carry on as if there isn’t a huge, gaping kim-jonghyun-sized hole in their perfomances.

jinki knows there will be an added burden with their best vocalist missing. he thinks of all the lines that will have to be redistributed, starting from the ‘babeyyy’ that won’t resonate with the same power it should do.

and it’s partly his fault that jonghyun is now being shipped off back home to his family, swathed in layers of clothes.

“make sure you get some rest,” kibum frets. “we need you back quickly.”

jonghyun nods earnestly. “i’ll try my best. i mean, who knows, swine flu can be crippling for some people, and what with my terrible immune system - ”

minho chuckles at jonghyun’s mock-seriousness, and even kibum laughs a little.

“for real, hyung,” taemin says unexpectedly. “rest up, okay? i don’t think i can cover for your lines too often. i’m nowhere near as good as you.”

taemin’s eyebrows are furrowed, and the bottom of his lip juts out in that way of his when he’s worrying about something. it makes jinki want to wrap him up in a hug, tell him that he’s too young to be weighing himself down with so many expectations and criticisms of himself, that he should spend more time worrying about normal fifteen-year-old things like acne and homework.

but taemin has chosen this path for himself, and no matter what jinki thinks privately about the consequences of debuting at fourteen, the boy is more capable of handling himself than jinki gives him credit for.

“someday, you will be,” jonghyun promises him. “and i’ll be there, watching you proudly. someday when i can’t perform, i’ll prop up my feet up and say aish, i did my job well but you won’t even hear me because you’ll be singing my lines beautifully on stage for me.”

taemin pouts but the creases on his forehead have smoothed out, and jinki knows that although it isn’t the answer he wanted to hear, taemin will be glad for it all the same. jonghyun tries to ruffle the maknae’s hair but taemin smoothly ducks out of his reach, a practised move that leaves jinki wondering just how often jonghyun does it.

the hold up has now been long enough that it prompts jin-hyung to tap his foot and mutter, “right, that’s enough theatrics then, even for you lot.”

and jonghyun starts walking out of the dorm properly, but jinki hasn’t gotten round to saying his bit yet; he hasn’t had the chance to think through what he wants to say and how to put it into words. communication has never been jinki’s forte but he attempts it now anyway, because god knows he’ll have to work on it one of these days.

“wait! what you said the other day,” jinki says desperately, and his next words gush out so fast he knows the others can’t even decipher them. “i’llpaymoreattentionfromnowon.”

but it’s okay, because jonghyun pauses in the doorway and turns. jinki knows from the way a small smile puts some light back into the otherwise sickly face: jonghyun understands.

*

it would take a gun to jinki’s head for him to admit it, but life at the dorm isn’t hugely different without jonghyun’s presence. there are many small adjustments, but there is no singular catastrophic change – the world doesn’t collapse around them, the sun keeps shining through their windows, and the earth keeps spinning on its axis.

there are even a few upsides to it. one less person to bang on the toilet door every morning; one less person in the race for a morning shower; one less member to argue with in a dorm full of testosterone-driven teenagers.

still, jinki would happily trade it all for one kim jonghyun.

he misses jonghyun, he realises, as his eyes shift away from the table where minho whispers something into kibum’s ear. kibum’s laugh fills jinki with an ache, a longing buried deep down that has slowly been rising to the surface again. jinki wants to look away, but trying not to watch this scene unfold in front of him feels a little like trying to tear his eyes away from an impending truck collision.

jinki thinks he’s never seen minho’s smile look so beautiful, which is saying something considering that his thousand-watt beam is jinki’s favourite thing about him.

he watches as minho’s lips curl upwards, his lower lip full and round as it presses into kibum’s mouth.

and there it is: the inevitable crash.

*

“hello, this is shining shinee’s dubu on-leader onew!” jinki slides into the room with jazz hands and punctuates his words with a deep bow.

“what are you doing here?”

the words are mumbled from somewhere under a pile of blankets, so jinki perches on the bed and pokes around until he feels an unmistakeable bicep through the duvet.

“aha,” he crows, and maneouvres himself so he is lying down next to the younger boy.

 jonghyun squirms and huffs a bit (as expected) but doesn’t push jinki away.

jinki speaks before jonghyun can tell him to move. “your mother says you’ve been moping.”

a snort (rather appropriate given jonghyun’s specific illness, he thinks[4]). “my mother wouldn’t say that about her most precious son.”

jinki hums in response. “you’re right, she would never say that about me.”

which is not entirely untrue, with the way jinki is treated in the kim household.

jonghyun doesn’t dignify it with a response, so jinki turns to face him.

“okay, fine. your mother didn’t say it in those words exactly, but she said you haven’t been eating.”

the stubborn pout on jonghyun’s lips should be somewhere on the spectrum of mildly annoying to very aggravating, but instead it lands squarely in cute territory. “don’t feel like eating.”

“you’ve got the piggy flu,” jinki says solemnly. “because you’ve always been so damn pig-headed.”

the giggles that escape out of jonghyun are a testament to his mildly delirious state because there’s no way that joke would induce such mirth otherwise. usually, jonghyun would roll his eyes and make a comment about how jinki’s segments will be edited out of their tv appearances if he keeps doing that, even while fighting back a grin at jinki’s ridiculousness.

jinki flicks his forehead lightly and jonghyun raises his eyebrows. “what, no famous onew ttakkbam for me?”

interesting. jinki can feel the movement of jonghyun’s brows under his finger, but he doesn’t move away, choosing instead to sweep jonghyun’s hair to one side.

he traces the faint lines of jonghyun’s forehead, smoothing away the creases on his skin. jonghyun’s eyes widen imperceptibly in way that anyone other than jinki would have failed to notice, and for some odd reason, jinki feels pleased about it.

“nah, i wouldn’t hurt my favourite donsaeng,” jinki murmurs.

jonghyun opens his mouth as if to say something[5], only to change his mind at the last second.

“except for the part where i’m not your favourite dongsaeng.”

and jinki is pretty sure that the words are meant to come out wry, teasing even, without the (faint but unmistakeable) bitter tinge to them.

the taste of it lingers in the air between them, and jinki wants to do whatever he can to erase it completely, to go back to the warmth of the moment before, but it seems jinki can’t do anything right when it comes to his members.

jonghyun sighs, making jinki realise they are now close enough that he feels the younger’s breath on his face. he loops an arm (casually) around jonghyun’s waist and closes his eyes, the warmth seeping into his skin enough to silence the negative voices in his head for now.

any minute now, jonghyun will move away from him, and jinki will be left cold and vulnerable again. but still jinki keeps his eyes firmly shut, lets his arm hang there delicately, and refuses to acknowledge the situation.

“hyung, stop that,” jonghyun chides him softly.

for once, jinki is certain he knows what jonghyun is talking about.[6]

“i can’t,” he admits into the darkness. “it’s exhausting. but this is helping.”

jinki opens his eyes to find jonghyun studying him with an unreadable expression.

“what’s wrong, jinki?”

the words make jinki want to curl up in a corner somewhere. he closes the distance between them, burying his face into the crook of jonghyun’s shoulder. there is a pause, before jinki feels a soft inhale and a nose skims the top of his hair.

“minho and kibum are at it again,” jinki mumbles into the skin.

he can feel jonghyun’s shoulders freeze up, becoming a little too stiff for it to be comfortable but jinki can’t make himself crawl out of it yet.

“and that’s bothering you because?” jonghyun’s voice is steady when he speaks despite his tense posture.

jinki finally pulls back, just enough that he can meet jonghyun’s gaze.

he braces himself to say it. “minho.”

“minho,” jonghyun echoes confusedly, and the name rings harshly in the space between them. “wait, minho?”

and jinki can only look away and shrug.

“oh,” jonghyun’s voice is quiet, barely even a whisper. “i didn’t… i just thought… what with all the time you spend with kibum…”

“i spend a lot of time with you as well,” jinki says, a tad defensive.

jonghyun chokes on air at that, dissolving into a series of hacking coughs, so jinki rubs his back carefully until the coughing fit subsides.

“right.” jonghyun’s voice is still a little hoarse. “of course. you like kibum just as much as you like me. and taemin. and you like minho more than all of us.”

“it’s not that i like him more. i like him in a different way, that’s all.” jinki hides his face in jonghyun’s shoulder as he speaks, seeking the heat of jonghyun’s body through his clothes.

it’s only when jinki closes the small gap between their bodies, allowing the furnace of jonghyun’s body to surround him, that he realises that the tremors have stopped. which is funny because jinki wasn’t aware that he was shaking in the first place.

“i’ll get over it though,” jinki mutters, not sure why he’s still even talking. “it’s not like i’m in love with him or anything. it’s just… attraction.”

jonhyun says nothing, his arms loosely wrapped around jinki as jinki burrows into him, clinging to the fiery expanse of his back.

he stays like that, afraid to move even a muscle in case it breaks the fragile equilibrium that has been created. jinki decides he’ll stay only until jonghyun’s breathing evens out, but by that time, his own eyes have started to droop as well.

it would be nice, jinki thinks, to fall asleep to this every night. the heat emanating from jonghyun’s body envelops him like a fire burning in the hearth. like this, jinki can see why one would associate a fireplace with comfort, reassurance. his sleep-addled mind thinks of something poetic, almost lyrical, but he loses it as soon as it comes.

all he knows is the warmth, and he continues to bask in his own personal fireplace realising that this. this is what it means, to be home.

the last thing he remembers is what feels like the soft press of lips into his hair, but it is so fleeting that he is convinced it is his imagination.

*

the first thing jinki feels when he wakes up is safe.

the second is his heart stuttering, bounding, leaping into his throat as he sees the delicate curve of jonghyun’s eyelids, the sweeping contour of his neck tilted upwards, so close that jinki could easily press his mouth into it.

so he doesn’t.

instead, he swallows and wills his heart to still, before it can begin to fall again, because he doesn’t think it will have the strength to piece itself together yet again when it inevitably breaks.

*

jinki enjoys the feeling of a small body curled protectively around his own.

he listens to the tinny sound of jonghyun’s breathing, nostrils flaring with the struggle to break through a blocked nose. as he watches the rise and fall of jonghyun’s chest, he has to stop himself from putting his hand against it to feel the younger boy’s heartbeat against his palm.

jinki imagines jonghyun’s heart would feel heavy, weighed down by worries and concerns known only to jonghyun. even in his sleep, there is a troubled look on his face, though how long it has been there, jinki is not sure.

jinki leaves when he realises there is nothing he can do to erase it.

*

“where did you go, hyung?” kibum asks when he gets home.

jinki responds by doubling over into a coughing fit, as one does in these situations, and avoiding kibum’s concerned look.

except that means he has to meet taemin’s eyes instead, who is looking directly at him as if to say i think that’s answer enough.

he doesn’t know which is more foreboding: his own coughs or taemin’s unspoken words.

*

jinki is dying.

well, maybe dying is a bit of a hyperbole, but his throat is sore, he’s lost his voice, and he can’t sing. which means he may as well be dying, because what other purpose does he serve in this life if he can’t sing?

“you’re being dramatic,” jonghyun flashes a grin at him when jinki trudges to the front door of their dorm.

jinki is dying, and jonghyun is standing there not fucking caring. no, worse. jonghyun is standing there looking self-satisfied when he should be crying a river for his hyung.

jinki wonders if flinging his suitcase at jonghyun’s face would wipe the infuriating grin off it, but alas, he doesn’t think jin-hyung will be too sympathetic towards him if he assaults another member. even if it is well and truly deserved. he’s also pretty sure he doesn’t have the energy required to do it, what with the fact that he’s dying and all.

turns out, the shinee members are somewhat less commiserative when a second member gets hit by swine flu. either the novelty has worn off, or they just love him less than they do jonghyun. jinki would like to think it’s the first, but he isn’t certain he can rule out the latter.

it’s funny because he has a distinct memory of a grand procession when it came to jonghyun being shipped home with swine flu. this time, the members are just loitering in the doorway, careful not to get too close, except jonghyun who’s already been exposed to the virus anyway.

“get well soon, yeonggam,” kibum waves, and the movement draws jinki’s attention to the fact that those fingers were entwined with minho’s in the shadows of the doorway just a second ago. but when jinki had turned to jin-hyung, the manager’s attention was fixed pointedly on not kibum’s hands, spinning around to heave jinki’s luggage into the car.

taemin looks up from his nintendo for a moment to say goodbye as well, until jonghyun points out that his pokemon egg is hatching, pulling taemin’s gaze back to his console.

jinki turns to minho last, wanting those large eyes to be the last thing etched into his memory before he leaves. his breath catches when he sees a few strands of dark hair escape minho’s ponytail, the muscles rippling in that sleeveless shirt. he has to tear his eyes away (because biceps) when that arm is lifted into a wave, and jinki thinks that even if he is dying, this is a very pleasant final sight before he goes.

the breath he was subconsciously holding tickles his throat, and he dissolves into a series of hacking coughs, to which jonghyun cheerfully calls out, “may you go in peace, to live out the Word of God.”[7]

which is wholly unfair of him really, because that means jinki has to glare at him before he steps into the car. and given that jonghyun knows about minho now, it’s an entirely inconsiderate lack of foresight on his part, as jinki’s final view will now be of jonghyun smirking at him from their foyer instead.

it’s not the worst thing in the world, jinki decides, and he inhales sharply again at the sunlight illuminating jonghyun’s face from behind, giving him a backlit radiance. the golden hue surrounds the younger boy, reflecting off the curve of his cheekbones and the straight edge of his nose, weaving through the strands of his hair to make them glimmer in shades of ochre and honey.

no, it definitely would not be the worst sight to end with, perhaps even a rather pretty one if not for the smug aura radiating around jonghyun that jinki simply cannot fathom the reason for.

*

they call when he’s at home, a lot.

it’s nice to know that the kids miss him, even if it does cost jinki a fair amount of phone credit to be receiving those calls on his mobile.

still, it’s worth it to hear taemin chattering away about their ring ding dong performances, interjected occasionally by minho’s deep baritone and kibum’s thoughtful questions. jonghyun seems to talk the most, giving jinki an unnecessary amount of information about their schedules, and their car rides, and the pretty waitress at the café they stopped at before their 6am recording. at times, jinki would like to tell jonghyun that he doesn’t want to hear such excruciatingly detailed accounts, that the high-pitched whine of his voice is grating on jinki’s nerves, exacerbating an already-blooming headache as the younger boy painstakingly describes the depth of the waitress’ dimples. that particular time, jinki comes the closest to asking jonghyun to put minho on the line instead, but he realises it would be a little too cruel an ask, even now that jonghyun is aware of his feelings for minho.

he tolerates it, not only for the sake of jonghyun’s feelings, but because there is a rare itch jinki gets nowadays that cannot be scratched even by the low timbre of minho’s voice.

*

jinki holds no unrealistic fantasies about being welcomed back to the dorm with any sort of fanfair. shinee are, after all, not the sort to express their love for each other in grand gestures.

what he doesn’t expect is to return home to an empty dorm.

it’s a little weird to call it home, especially when he’s just come back from his parent’s house, the place he called home for eighteen years of his life. still, he’s gotten into the habit of thinking of this as home somehow.

jinki knows he and minho are the only members who think this. kibum is still holding out for his own place – or at least, a place where he gets his own room and some privacy – and jonghyun and taemin still consider their dorm to be a place of accommodation rather than ‘home’ in the same sense as their family homes.

on their rare days off, when jonghyun and taemin have gone back to their doting families, and kibum has gone out with his friends, it is jinki and minho who are left alone at their home. somewhere in those snatched moments, between lounging in pyjamas to watching football with minho and falling asleep on the sofa with their heads knocked together, lies the exact moment when he fell for minho.

with the younger boy always around to keep him company, jinki has never seen the dorm like this, so quiet and devoid of life, of the booming voices and arguments and laughter that he takes for granted.

it should be peaceful, but instead the air feels too still, something brittle and taut, poised to break with the right trigger.

maybe that is why jinki moves so quietly even though there is no one present to hear him.

he sits in kibum’s bed, toeing off his slippers but keeping the socks on, right at the head of the bed. it is exactly where taemin and kibum once had an explosive stand-off after a tired taemin put his socked feet up onto kibum’s pillow, one of the biggest pet peeves of their dorm’s tidiest member.

jinki then moves to lie in taemin’s bed, not caring about the way the the bedsheets crumple under his body despite the way he’s been yelled at by the maknae on their building’s rooftop about this.

like this, he continues to wreak havoc on his own: scattering his outdoor clothes all over minho’s railing in a way that he knows will infuriate him; sitting at jonghyun’s desk and glueing one of key’s hello kitty stickers onto jonghyun’s laptop.

yet the something is still there, stubbornly holding itself together, not breaking even through jinki’s various attempts to wreck the peace.

it’s deeply unsatisfying, jinki realises, as he sinks further into jonghyun’s chair.

one of the many sheafs of papers flutters off the desk, and when jinki bends over to pick them up, the handwriting catching his eye.

he doesn’t mean to pry, but it’s not like this is what he intended to do when he entered the room – besides, it can’t exactly be called prying if the pages are sitting on top of the shared desk of their shared bedroom.

there are pages upon pages of handwritten lyrics, starting from early clumsier attempts that make jinki grin, progressing to more eloquent attempts, some of which have made the final cut for a few shinee songs, and others which have not yet found a home outside of this space.

the more jinki reads, the more he realises they are moulded from experiences in real life, shaped from shared memories and laughter and tears. some are with the shinee members, moments of joy within the strain of group activities. some are more personal, a reference to the soulmate-like bond extending beyond brotherhood between kibum and jonghyun; a discourse between taemin and jonghyun about the sensitivities of being an idol.

jinki smiles when he comes across words from a whispered conversation with jonghyun, only a few weeks ago when both were unable to sleep. the deeper he delves, the more he understands. there are entire segments dedicated to jonghyun’s family, the comfort of going home to his mother and his sister, and even an unfinished (barely a few lines) piece about the puppy they recently got.

the scattered lines alluding to shinee members, and particularly himself, are what jinki hunts for; he is, in the end, no less a narcissist than what minho consistently accuses kibum of being.

dwelling deeper, however, only results in jinki feeling more like an intruder, despite the countless times jonghyun has asked him to review his songwriting and shared his tentatively written poetry with him.

jinki comes across a sheet where the paper is particularly crumpled around the edges, the words smudged in a desperate scrawl but equally frantically scratched out. everything about it – the blotched ink, the deep indentation of the penmanship, the frustrated underlining – is painstakingly real and heartfelt and private, like a never-sent love letter.

the lyrics are recogniseable, and he can hear them being sung to the melody of juliette in his head, but interspersed between the words on the page is a familiarity that jinki can’t avoid.

i can’t escape this habit of chasing after you

you spread like an irresistable poison

“- except for the part where i’m not your favourite dongsaeng - ” the words are acerbic and sharp and darkened by the venom –

please give me a chance

when you look at me with those eyes

i want to hold you in my arms

– he wakes up to a body curled protectively around his own, and he greedily soaks up the warmth, tells himself he can’t leave yet in case it wakes up the younger, but the truth is it feels really fucking good to just be held –

i follow your scent

that embraces my body again

i can’t stop,

so take all of my heart and my breath

– there is a quiet inhale and a nose skimming the top of jinki’s hair, breathing in his scent and something about the action makes jinki’s heart clench, makes him brave enough to say his next words –

please open your heart

your gestures

toward me pass by again

my trembling heart seems like it’ll explode any moment

– it feels like they’re having two different conversations at the same time, and why does everything always have to be so damn cryptic when it comes to jonghyun –

jinki exhales shakily, closes his eyes to escape the rush of memories flooding his consciousness, before he stacks the loose sheets of paper again and places them on top of the desk.

there is a loud silence, the emptiness of it ringing in his ears, and the something in the air is still fucking there. it feels so tense now, one delicate breath away from breaking.

the buzz of jinki’s phone cuts through the silence; he swipes away the reminder he had set earlier to tune in for the results of the voting on today’s music show.

he ends up in the living room anyway, flicking through channels until he lands on inkigayo. it’s just in time to see the nominees announcement, with a short clip of each song that has been nominated for today’s inkigayo win, and when it’s shinee’s turn, of course it’s jonghyun whose face flashes by.

even that split second video is enough to make his gut clench in a funny way. there is a short glimpse of the other nominees: ss501; mblaq, beast – it’s all big names, but so is shinee now.

and then suddenly, the mc announces shinee as the winner, and it feels so surreal to be watching this from the tv instead of being on the stage with them. he thinks he sees leeteuk, who was covering jinki’s empy spot for today’s inkigayo performance, edgeing away from the stage right before the encore stage music starts.

jonghyun’s opening ‘baby’ echoes through the mic, but then instead of his next line: “onew hyung are you watching?”

and that’s all it takes.

the air cracks around him, splintering, shattering, falling apart and finally this. this is what he had needed. jinki feels like he can breathe again.

jinki doesn’t even realise there is a wide grin on his face, the kind that makes his cheeks hurt, to match jonghyun’s huge smile on the tv screen. there is a warmth blooming inside him, ignited by jonghyun’s furnace again even despite the physical distance between them, and jinki thinks it’s nice.

it feels good to know that he is missed, that the kids are thinking about him, and of course it is jonghyun who voices it. after all, he was the one in jinki’s position not even a week ago; of course jonghyun would know how to make jinki feel better.

*

jinki knows he’ll have to top up the credit on his phone soon, but he has enough left to make one call.

he uses it to order takeaway from jonghyun and taemin’s favourite jjokbal restaurant[8].

the members will be starving after their music show performance, and he’s sure jin-hyung will look the other way when he sees the greasy takeaway bag – they deserve it after the hectic schedule they’ve had over the last week.

he thinks jonghyun, especially, will appreciate the irony of having jjokbal on this specific occasion.

just imagining jonghyun’s laugh when he comes back to it makes it worth every damn penny.

*

“hey.”

“hi.”

“i watched it.” jinki can’t help but grin as he speaks. “leeteuk hyung did great.”

they’re leaning against opposite walls of a doorway, feet stretched out in the space between them but not quite touching. jinki doesn’t know if it’s a remnant of the buzz from the win but the air feels charged, the particles humming inside their little alcove.

jonghyun flips his fringe out of the way in a way that jinki notices he’s been doing more often, tilting his head to the side. he looks up through the fan of his eyelashes and jinki feels his heart doing somersaults again.

“and what about me?” jonghyun’s smile is coy.

if jinki didn’t know better, he’d think jonghyun was flirting with him.

“hmm … not too bad either, but i think teuk-hyung stole my heart this time.” he clutches at his chest with an exaggerated sigh.

jonghyun laughs, and the sound is tinkling and light. his eyes crinkle up at the corner, a rare moment with his genuine, unrestrained smile instead of the suave one he usually flashes at the cameras.

jinki steps closer, and the little space between them is electric. he can’t look away from jonghyun’s eyes, which is fine because the younger’s gaze bores into him with the same intensity. he’s tipping his head back slightly to meet jinki’s eyes now, and something about that makes jinki go warm and fluttery inside, igniting that craving within him again.

jonghyun sways a little, rocking forwards on the balls of his feet. the motion makes their shoulders brush, sending tingles down jinki’s arm, and suddenly, their faces are too close. his breath fans across jinki’s cheek warmly, and jinki looks down at the remaining distance between them, at the way jonghyun’s lips are slightly parted.

it would be so easy, he thinks, so he does. he closes the small gap between them, catching jonghyun’s lips between his own.

he doesn’t know how or why it happens, just that it does.

it could be the abundance of fondness and tenderness and affection for jonghyun that has been lingering since inkigayo. gratitude is probably a better word, for it is more acceptable, a safer word. it could be the surge of want crackling in his fingertips that makes him want to wrap his arm around jonghyun’s waist, pulling him in even closer so every inch of him is pressed up against the other.

it could be a potent gust of wind, sending them colliding into each other and pushing jinki’s lips into jonghyun’s, or an imperceptible tectonic shift, not even a 1 on the richter scale, throwing jinki off balance right into jonghyun.

there are a multitude of possibilities that jinki can think of it to justify it, but he doesn’t bother analysing the hows and whys just yet.

all he can think about right now is the soft press of jonghyun’s lips against his own, the fingertips gliding delicately across his cheek, and the gentle pressure against his mouth.

all that matters is the warmth blooming in his chest even hours after they pull away.

*

they don’t talk about the kiss.

there are moments when jinki psychs himself up to do it, when the words are on the tip of his tongue, but the minute jonghyun’s eyes land on his, the intent dissolves away into nothingness. in those moments, he feels the fragile balance hanging between them tip; he feels jonghyun’s eyes flit away from his quickly even as the younger boy finds some excuse to disappear, always leaving jinki behind with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

so he wraps up the feelings and memories into a little box in his mind and shoves it away, hoping to forget.

there are times, late at night, always when jinki is alone and vulnerable and often on the verge of tears, when he allows himself to open up the box and take a tiny glimpse at the light shining from it. he allows the warmth of the memory to cocoon him for just a few minutes, but then he packs it away quickly before the heat can become a blaze that consumes him completely.

every time, he promises himself it’ll be the last.

*

on particularly desperate occasions, he tries to replace thoughts of jonghyun with minho instead. it should be easy enough, given the fact that a couple of weeks ago, he’d been ogling minho’s biceps instead of jonghyun’s.

in his conscious mind, it works to some extent. it leaves him with a different sort of guilt though, the dirty feeling of trying to fantasise about someone who’s already taken.

it doesn’t really matter in the end though, because his dreams are still filled with warm embraces under covers and shadowed silhouettes in doorways and featherlight kisses ghosting over his lips.

*

“what did you do to jonghyun hyung?”

jinki blinks.

when taemin had said he wanted to speak to jinki on the roof, he had expected some sort of discussion about his latest greivances – maybe something to do with hogging the tv or accidentally eating taemin’s diet food.

whatever it was, he wasn’t expecting this.

“what do you mean?”

taemin gives him an assessing look. “jonghyun hyung is acting weird. he doesn’t eat meals with us where possible and locks himself up in the music room more and conveniently remembers he has something or the other to finish off on movie nights.”

all of which is true, to be fair, but jinki didn’t think taemin had really noticed anything.

he raises his eyebrows. “which has something to do with me because?”

“it means he’s avoiding you,” taemin states bluntly. “ergo, you must have done something to him.”

jinki can’t help but laugh at that, although the sound is hollower than he’d like. if anything, jonghyun was the one who kissed him, the one who made both the first move and the final move and is now avoiding jinki like the plague. jinki has done nothing except to reciprocate.

he considers how much of this he should tell taemin. on the one hand, it’s not his secret to tell, but on the other, it’s clearly affecting the group dynamics if taemin is calling him out on it.

taemin must see something telling in his expression, because he pales. “you didn’t.”

and now jinki is confused. “didn’t what?”

“you didn’t try to kiss him, did you?”

taemin sounds horrified at the idea, and jinki wonders if the prospect of kissing him is really so bad to elicit such a response.

when jinki doesn’t immediately reply (because really, it was jonghyun who kissed jinki more than the other way around), taemin sighs. “well, that explains a lot.”

jinki finally looks up from the ground and frowns. “does it?”

taemin scuffs his shoes against the ground as he paces up and down, a nervous habit he never seemed to manage to shake off.

“just don’t… ” taemin trails off when he stops pacing to look at jinki properly. “never mind.”

“don’t what?” jinki finds himself saying, because he’ll be damned if he hasn’t had enough of the cryptic, things-left-unsaid conversations already with jonghyun.

taemin cocks his head to one side as if debating what to say, before he finally speaks up. “i was going to say don’t break his heart, but maybe you should be careful of your own.”

jinki finds himself glaring at the ground again. “bit late for that, eh?”

it’s meant to come out as a joke, making light of the situation, but somehow he ends up sounding miserable.

“hyung,” taemin says gently, crouching down on the rooftop beside him. “i know the thing with minho must be hard to get over - ”

he breaks off, presumably because he’s seen the baffled look on jinki’s face.

“… unless i completely misread that?” taemin tries.

jinki shakes his head, trying to find the words to explain it. “no – i mean, i had a bit of a thing for minho for a while, but it was just – well, attraction? but now – i mean, with jonghyun… it’s different. deeper, somehow. and i think it’s been slowly happening for a while, but i didn’t really let myself think about it because … well, he’s jonghyun, you know? he would never think of me as more than just a friend. except apparently, sometimes he does.”

jinki is fully aware that he’s rambling now but it’s hard to stop once he’s started. he forces himself to wait for taemin’s response, because he can tell there’s something the other boy is thinking.

“then i guess the question is, have you ever tried telling jonghyun hyung that?”

*

it happens almost a full week after jinki’s conversation with taemin.

it’s one of those times when the members have a long day of intense vocal coaching, with extra attention being paid to the main vocalists. at some point, sm decide to send the other members back to the dorm, leaving jinki and jonghyun behind in the practice rooms to continue their training.

coincidentally, it also happens to be jin-hyung’s girlfriend’s birthday, an event that she’d told him he absolutely could not miss unless he wanted her to break up with him.

so naturally, jinki and jonghyun shake their heads and tell jin-hyung that it’s fine, they can easily do the ten-minute walk back from the practice building to the dorms on their own once they’re done.

which leaves just jinki and jonghyun in the room.

and really, it should be no different to usual, because they’ve been in this situation a hundred times before and will be a hundred times again.

but jinki’s heart doesn’t seem to understand that, so it starts racing when he locks eyes with jonghyun; leaping and soaring when jonghyun's golden voice fills the room; tumbling when their fingers accidentally brush as jonghyun hands him the water bottle.

the small spark is enough to make jinki jump back, and he tries to stop the feelings, to reign it in before it falls and shatters completely, because this time he knows for sure it would be broken beyond repair.

jonghyun’s shoulders stiffen at jinki’s response, and he turns away to take a swig of water from his bottle.

“ready to go home?” jinki’s voice comes out raspy when he speaks, and he’s not sure if it’s from overuse of his vocal cords or simply the Jonghyun Effect.

jonghyun only shakes his head.

despite knowing that he could be in bed in the next twenty minutes if he leaves now, jinki settles back into a corner on the floor to wait.

by the time jonghyun is done, it’s past the 1am mark, and the streets are dark and empty. they walk back in silence, because even if there are a million things jinki wants to say, he’s pretty sure that none are what jonghyun wants to hear right now.

when the first snowflake brushes jinki’s hair, he thinks for a single, heartstopping moment that it’s jonghyun, and he’s thrown back to that moment when he’s falling asleep in jonghyun’s bed, the sensation of soft lips brushing the top of his head.

he turns, startled, only to see that jonghyun is a few paces behind him and most definitely not within that sort of reach.

“it’s snowing!” jonghyun sounds delighted, eyes lit up in a way that jinki hasn’t seen post The Kiss.

jinki can’t help but smile. jonghyun looks ridiculously cute, with the tip of his nose going red in the cold, and the breath frosting out of his mouth as he holds up a finger to catch a snowflake.

“bit early this year,” jinki remarks, “considering it’s barely even november.”

jonghyun hums distractedly. “you know what they say about first snow.”

jinki’s eyes snap up to look at jonghyun at that, and jonghyun seems to realise the implications of his words a beat too late.

suddenly, they’re both fumbling, both at a loss for words and neither willing to break the silence.

“the other day - ” jinki tries, but jonghyun cuts him off with a quick wave of his hand.

“no, it’s fine, it was a mistake.” jonghyun’s words are pouring out rapidly, and it takes all of jinki’s self-control to hold back a wince. “we both got carried away in the moment. happens to everyone, you know?”

jonghyun’s hands are twisting around the loose strands of his scarf as he speaks, and his gaze is firmly fixed at a point in the distance behind jinki’s ear.

“besides, i know you’d rather it was minho, of course.” jonghyun’s voice is steady and reassuring, but jinki is pretty sure the tremble in his fingers has nothing to do with the cold.

“i don’t,” jinki blurts out before jonghyun can say more.

jonghyun freezes in his tracks, eyes wide, and jinki would like nothing more than to wrap him up in a hug. “you – what?”

jinki swallows. “i don’t wish it was minho. actually, i’ve wanted to do that again with you ever since.”

“but, what about minho?”

“i’ve had some time to do some thinking, and… yes, there was a point when i was attracted to him but well – he’s not the one who’s voice i want to hear so desperately when i’m away from the dorm, or the one i want to lie in bed with, surrounded by their warmth when i have a fever, or the one whose face comes to mind when i hear the stupid lyrics you wrote for all your stupid love songs.”

jinki realises he sounds almost angry now, but he’s trying to make a point here and he doesn’t know how to prove it.

“he’s not the one who makes me all warm and fluttery inside at the lightest touch, and he’s not the one whom i would do anything for just to see their real laugh – no, not your fake camera-worthy shinee’s casanova jonghyun smile, i mean the real, imperfect, toothy one – and he’s not the one i dream about every night so just. don’t make this about minho, okay? because i’ve been wanting to kiss you again since that first time every single day, but i get it if you’re avoiding me and you think it was a mistake. just for me, it was never a mistake, so please - ”

jonghyun cuts him off with a kiss, lips moving insistently and desperately so that in a flash, jinki is hit with a wave of desire.

“stop talking,” jonghyun whispers into jinki’s mouth, and jinki clutches at jonghyun’s scarf, pulling him closer until every inch of their bodies is pressed against each other.

“okay,” is all he manages to get out, before jonghyun kisses him again, just as urgently, running his fingers through jinki’s hair as jinki fervently reciprocates.

it ends with jonghyun crowding jinki against the wall in a dark street, the tiny furnace of his body keeping jinki warm as the snow falls around them in a flurry.

***

Footnotes:

[1] lifted straight from a meme

[2] the jinki of this fic will be happy how that turns out at least

[3] oh the joys of writing a fic set in 2010 only 12 years late… i do love my crystal ball

[4] no fic is complete without a classic old man pun

[5] “it’s a little too late for that though”

[6] jonghyun is talking about jinki’s negative thoughts, and jinki is saying that he can’t stop those voices in his head but cuddling into jonghyun helps.

[7] words said by a priest at a catholic funeral. jjong is basically teasing jinki about how he thinks he’s dying.

[8] It has unfortunately closed down now.

[i] here i actually meant jinki is trying not to impose onto others the burden of his unwelcome feelings for minho, in case that wasn’t clear