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There was nothing quite as nice as spending the night at your friend’s house. It’s even better when your friend’s parents aren’t home. Unlimited fridge access, ice cream for dinner, no one scolding you to be quiet. Heaven on earth, practically. Langa stood by this. After meeting Reki, he discovered that nights like these were his favorite. They still were. However, something was different tonight.
The curtains were shut and everything was dark, save for the light from the phone held in front of the boys’ faces. An enthusiastic voice filtered through the phone’s speakers. Legs were tangled together and sides were flush against each other. The proximity was overwhelming for Langa. It had never gotten this bad. Sure, he had felt some sort of way about Reki for a while. And, sure, they had been in this same exact spot, intertwined like this in the same way dozens of times before. But this time, it was almost too much to bear.
Reki munched on some sort of off-brand salty chips, ones that Langa couldn’t really stomach at that moment. Reki rubbed off the salt on his fingers onto his jeans and turned to look at Langa, his eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t want anything to snack on?” Reki asked. “I can make you a sandwich or whatever.”
Langa froze. How was he supposed to tell Reki he wasn’t hungry when the redhead knew well that Langa had a bottomless stomach? How was he supposed to tell Reki that he couldn’t eat because his heart was racing and his head was spinning, and his thoughts were consumed with Reki, Reki, Reki—
“Dude.” Reki said suddenly, grinning, his teeth glinting brilliantly in the light. A tanned hand waved in front of Langa’s face. How long had Reki been doing that? “You are so out of it. You tired?”
Of course Reki would be ready to put everything down if Langa was tired. How the other was so considerate and thoughtful, Langa would never know. His heart fluttered in his chest. It almost hurt. Scratch that, it did hurt.
Langa finally met Reki’s gaze with his own, putting on his best reassuring smile. It felt like more of a grimace. “I’m okay right now.” He replied.
It was a blatant lie, and Reki seemed to catch onto that. The other’s brows furrowed until a crease formed in the skin between them. He shifted until he was propped up on his elbows, his eyes piercing through Langa and so close to discovering the truth. Reki’s gaze darted away for a moment, scanning a side of the room before traveling back to Langa and staying on him. He looked conflicted, chewing on the inside of his cheek with a frown. He sighed and lifted his salty fingers to the phone, pausing the video with a tap.
“Are,” Reki cleared his throat. “Are we cool?”
Langa froze for the second time that night, his eyes going wide. Were they cool? He was sure there was a line between being cool with someone and wanting to kiss them breathless. Langa had long since crossed that line. But Reki didn’t know that. Right? He exhales a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and looks away before nodding. “Yeah, we’re cool.”
Reki’s lips curled into a frown and Langa knew he was screwed.
“Really? Are you sure, Langa?” Reki asked, his eyes full of worry. Langa didn’t want Reki to worry about him. Oh, god. What had he done? “Because things feel, well, different, recently. And I think you’ve noticed it too.” Reki said as he sat up fully, if only so he could gesture with his hands properly while he speaks. Langa mirrored him, slowly pushing himself up with shaky arms. “You’ve been acting really weird and you don’t ask to hang out much, if at all,” Reki continued, his voice rising in volume and pitch. “I don’t know what I did, but if you don’t want to hang out anymore then just say so—“
Langa thought the world may have been crumbling around him in that moment when he saw Reki’s lip quiver. Reki’s hair covered his eyes without his headband, but Langa was sure there were tears welling in them. How did he always manage to hurt Reki like this? Langa stayed silent, watching Reki swipe away his tears with his sleeve. Langa would have taken the racing heart over the ache he now feels any day. “Reki—“
“—I’m not finished-“ Reki interjected, though not unkindly. “You’re so hard to read sometimes, man. Y’know? Like, sometimes you’re an open book and I can tell how you feel just by looking at you.” Reki chuckled weakly, a sad sound. “Right now, you’re more like a puzzle or something with how hard I have to try to figure you out. I know it’s unfair to expect this of you because I’m the same way.” He pauses, sighing. “But I wish you’d tell me what’s going on in that pretty little noggin of yours sometimes.” He tried to joke, but there was something sad behind it.
Langa’s mind shamefully focused on the word “pretty” almost immediately, but he was quick to reroute his train of thought. He could revisit that later on his own.
He stared down at his own hands as they shook. He’d never trembled like this. Not even when he visited his dad’s grave in Canada, where the cold winds numbed his fingers and froze his tears. He struggled to get anything out, every word forming on his tongue quickly dissipating. Even the simple syllables of Reki’s name were hard to utter. All of his time spent refining his Japanese seemed useless now. He licked his chapped lips and tried again. And again. Nothing came out, although it felt like something was about to come up, as his stomach churned.
“Woah, hey.” Reki murmured, reaching out to take one of Langa’s trembling hands. The redhead stroked the pad of his thumb along Langa’s pale knuckles. “Breathe, Langa. It’s alright, dude. Take your time.” His voice was like white noise to Langa, immediately soothing some of his worries. Langa still couldn’t meet the other’s gaze. He just couldn’t.
“Do you want me to walk you home? Or I can call your mom to come pick you up?” Reki suggested, his voice breaking a bit. That’s not what Langa wanted to hear at all. He wanted to shake his head, to immediately turn down the other’s offer. But of course, he was frozen.
How fitting.
Reki’s voice was watery and pleading. “Langa, please. Give me something to work with here.”
Langa doesn’t know what happened next, but suddenly something burst inside him and everything was blurry. First he felt hot tears streaming down his cheeks, then he felt himself move. He faintly acknowledged that he was moving in Reki’s direction, and willed himself to stop. All this would lead to more pain on both sides. Alas, his hands landed on Reki’s biceps and their faces were closer now. If the proximity from earlier was overwhelming, this was deadly.
Reki’s amber eyes were wide and watery, remnants of his sadness still visible on his cheeks. He looked shocked. The redhead remained silent for a moment, his gaze darting between Langa’s grip on his arms and up to his eyes. After a moment, the boy swallows, smiling anxiously. “Uh, Langa?” He asks in a whisper, gently patting one of Langa’s knees. “ What’s up?”
Langa didn’t know where to go from here, but he’d gotten this far. There was no point in backing out. How would he explain this anyway? He relaxes his anxious grip on Reki’s arms and sighs. “Uhm.” He starts, his gaze focused on some object in the distance he doesn’t have the time to even acknowledge. “I want,” He swallows, his throat dryer than ever. “I want to keep hanging out with you. Always.” He manages to say. His arms feel heavy.
Reki nodded in understanding, his shoulders deflating in what Langa could assume to be relief. “Okay, cool. Great.” He murmured, his brilliant genuine smile having returned. His posture even straightened a bit, as though he were a balloon reinflating. However, Langa could still feel how tense Reki was beneath the sleeves of his hoodie. “Then,” Reki eventually continued. “What’s going on?”
Langa tried to focus on Reki’s wonderful contagious smile and not the question that could ruin his chance to see that smile ever again. He took a deep breath. He would try to be straight-forward. A part of him knew he should have done this from the beginning before it got this bad. Yet another part of him constantly whispered, it’s not that easy though, is it? There were so many different factors to consider. Langa didn’t have time to think through all of them now. “I want to tell you.” He said, his voice just loud enough for Reki to hear. “I don’t want things to change between us.”
Langa cursed his word choice as soon as Reki’s eyes flashed with insecurity. “No, it’s not bad—“ He amends. “At least, I don’t think it is.” He stammered, releasing Reki’s arm with one hand and rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s just, uh, scary. You know?”
Reki stared at Langa, his eyebrows raised. “Yeah, uh. I’m not sure I know. You’re not giving me a whole lot to work with.” Reki said kindly, chuckling a bit. Langa knew Reki was writing his vagueness off as one of his Langa-isms, but he couldn’t just dive head-first into this like he did everything else. “Maybe if you could elaborate a bit, I’d start to get the gist.” Reki said gently, though not pushy.
Okay. Okay, Langa could elaborate. Maybe.
“So, like,” Langa began eloquently, “When you’re friends with someone, sometimes you start seeing them differently.” He explained. “You know, like how you start seeing a friend as your best friend.” Langa looked up to see if Reki was understanding, and surely enough, the boy looked puzzled. But also flattered. Langa cleared his throat and continued. “And you start wondering if they feel the same way about you. You want to do all the best friend stuff together but you’re stuck just being friends until you tell them that you want to be best friends.”
“Awwww, Langa!” Reki laughed, pulling Langa in for a one armed hug. “You dumbass! You know you’re my best friend! There’s not even a question about that.” He said cheerfully, grabbing at Langa’s face and squishing it affectionately. “Is that what you’ve been so weird about?”
Langa sighed. This wasn’t going well. He gently pried Reki’s hands away from his face. “Can I finish?” He asked, an eyebrow raised.
Reki’s hands retreated and he nodded apologetically. “Oh, yeah. Sorry.” He muttered with a sheepish grin.
Langa clears his throat, continuing where he left off. “Now, what if you’re already best friends, and you want to be something more?” He’d gotten even quieter at this point, a lump in his throat. “And you don’t think your best friend feels the same way. Where,” He looked up at the ceiling and sighed. “Where do you go from there?” The ceiling held no answers for him, the glowing planets and stars on the ceiling seeming to mock him somehow.
The redhead next to Langa looked at him thoughtfully for a few moments, as though dissecting his words. Suddenly, Langa watched out of the corner of his eye as Reki’s eyes widened with realization. “Holy crap.” The boy muttered quietly, his face flushing red. He looked down before looking back up at Langa again. “Are you being for real? Like, actually?” Reki asked urgently, leaning forward into Langa’s space. “You can’t joke about this kind of stuff, man. My heart can’t take it.” He said, almost pleadingly.
Reki figured everything out much quicker than Langa anticipated. Because of course he did. He was Reki. Incredible, smart, amazing Reki. Langa laughed weakly, rubbing his arm. “Yeah, I’m being very for real.” He muttered, just as Reki lunged forward and cupped his face. Langa laughed, as something that was usually sweet and slow became something enthusiastic and exciting. That was Reki.
“Dude- You- I-“ Reki stammered all while he kept his hold on Langa. ”You scared me!” He huffed, squishing Langa’s face. “This is what I meant by you needing to tell me things. I thought you didn’t want to hang out anymore! This is so much better, oh my god, Langa.” He babbled, leaning his forehead on Langa’s chest. “You’re such an ass.”
Langa felt his heart thud strongly in his chest as everything he’d just endured led up to this moment. “Then, does this mean-?”
“It’s so mutual. I was trying to push my feelings for you away because you’re genuinely, like, out of my league,” What? “But oh my god, I’m so happy.” Reki grinned, stroking Langa’s cheek with his thumb. His grin was wide and toothy and to this day, Langa’s favorite thing to see. But then that dazzling smile faded and Langa’s chest began to hurt again. “You sure you want to be seen with me like that, Langa? There are plenty of other girls—er—guys, out there. I don’t want to hold you back.”
Langa knew of Reki’s insecurities, and knew they’d impact something like this, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. His chest ached as he tried to find the right response. “I don’t want anyone else, Reki. Just you. You’re amazing.”
Reki didn’t seem completely satisfied with that, a storm very clearly brewing in his mind that Langa ached to tame. The redhead’s hands dropped from where they rested on his cheek “But what if I—“
Langa hurriedly leaned in, interjecting by pressing his lips to Reki’s, silencing the storm for just a brief second before pulling away. When Langa looked up to see Reki, his eyes were wide once more. Reki’s lips curled up into a smile, like the sun peeking through the clouds. “Well, okay then. Guess that settles it.” He laughed before gripping Langa’s shirt and yanking him into another kiss.
This one was long and sweet, but also a little clumsy. Neither had really prepared for this moment. It wasn’t much like the movies. Both of their lips were chapped and Langa could smell the salty chips on Reki’s breath and taste them on his lips, but it was their kiss. It didn’t need to be anything but theirs. Reki’s hands once again found purchase on Langa’s jaw and underneath the calloused touch, everything felt different, but right.
They pulled away for breath after a moment, giggling and holding each other. Langa’s lips were curled into what actually felt like a smile. Reki no longer looked insecure, all traces of doubt gone from his face. Now it was just them. They didn’t need to worry about anyone else for now. Reki laughed and pulled Langa down with him until they were both laid back on the plush pillows at the head of Reki’s bed. Langa wound his arms around the other and pulled him close to his chest. He wished to stay like this forever.
“Is the offer for a sandwich still open?” Langa asked after a moment, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
“Oh my god.”