Chapter Text
‘Come on, Niall, come on, Lil, hurry up!', Zayn yells, frustrated, at the two sleepyheads sauntering behind him, as he rests his bags on the floor and turns to glare at the clumsy Irishman trying to haul two large, burgundy suitcases behind, while nudging his sleepy daughter in front of him. He rolls his eyes at him, kneeling down to extract two juice boxes and hands them one each. ‘Honestly, you guys. I warned you on the flight over. I told you to get some sleep.’
The two of them shoot him similar scowls, and honestly, what did Zayn expect? It’s not like the father- daughter duo ever listened to him, anyways.
‘Quit hurryin’ us, bro. M’sure your heart, soul and body can wait a few more minutes before meeting Liam.’ Niall says, smirking at him. Sleepily. Smirking at him, sleepily, because that is something Niall Horan can do, apparently. Zayn glares at him. ‘It’s not just Liam, it’s all of them, man. It’s been three years, ‘course I’m gonna be excited.’
‘I’m excited. You’re impatient and gross. Right, Lil?’ His daughter grunts in reply (she’s definitely picked that up from Zayn, and Niall definitely hates him for it) and yawns loudly.
Niall grins proudly at her and starts hauling his bags towards the terminal exit again. Zayn sighs and follows him, Lilly trailing behind them, clutching her Build-A-Bear in one hand and dragging a bright pink polka dot mini suitcase in the other.
After a few minutes of heavily scanning the crowd, Zayn spots a messily combed mass of curly hair and his grin widens instantly. He yells out to him, and is met immediately, with an armful of Harry, smelling distinctly of cat, bakery and chlorine. Harry’s arms and scent felt like home, and he felt tears spring up behind his closed eyelids. He clutches Harry tighter before retreating, his arms still wrapped around him. ‘Missed you, bro. So fucking much.’
Harry was actually crying, tears slipping down his cheeks, but his grin was wide, his eyes happy and warm, and so damn homely. He was in tight, black skinny jeans (he remembers Louis telling him how the sap never gets out of them with a fond smile and an eye roll) and his favorite flamingo shirt. His wide grin, curly, messy mass of hair, large arms wrapped around him, the scent of freshly baked scones and his staple perfume, and a little bit of Louis clinging to him, reminded Zayn of that one tune, a constant ringing of ‘feels like home to me, feels like I’m all the way back where I came from’.
‘Missed you too, Z. So freaking much. Need to be able to cuddle your skinny arse. I don’t like this long distance stuff. Your face isn’t pretty enough to keep me satisfied through Skype, bro.’
He couldn’t help giggling, ruffling Harry’s hair and trying not to jump into his arms again. He’d never realized how much he’d missed them. He had Niall, and Lilly, and they were the only reason he was keeping sane without his other mates. Zayn was partially sure that one of the main reasons for Niall travelling with him to London, was because he knew Zayn would be terribly homesick without the four of them, away from this town he’d made his home. That’s just the kind of mates the five of them were. Willing to make umpteen sacrifices for each other and each one had their own way of showing it. Speaking of- ‘Haz? Where’s Li and Lou?’
‘By the car. Dunno why, to be honest. I think they’re too scared of crying in public, or something. You know how they are.’ He grins at him, because yes. Yes, he does. He definitely knows how they are. He starts to make a cheeky comment about it before-
‘Harry!’, and suddenly Harry is trying to keep upright while clutching at a tiny Irishman koala clinging to him and smothering his face with kisses. Harry is letting out strings of giggles and Niall keeps wriggling in his arms, desperate for this taste of home the two of them had missed so much.
He feels a tug on his sleeve and startles a bit, before turning and noticing Lilly, with Niall’s wide blue eyes and her mother’s sleek dark hair and high cheekbones, nervously clutching at her blanket and shuffling behind Zayn. He glances over to his mates, still exchanging greetings and affection, before kneeling down next to Lilly,
‘What’s up, Lil? You remember Uncle Harry right? Spent three whole years with him, innit? You talk with him sometimes on Skype too, remember? He’s the idiot who enjoys all the green, leafy stuff you hate, sweetie.’
She nods. ‘I remember him.’
‘What’s the problem, then, love?’
She shrugs. ‘I feel shy.’ Red fills her cheeks up, making Zayn chuckle at how similar she is to her father. The two colour up extremely quickly.
Zayn ruffles her hair and stands up. ‘With Harry, you won’t be feeling that for too long. Just relax, okay? Daddy’s here.’
She smiles instantly. ‘And so are you.’
‘I’m al-‘
‘Lilly!’ A loud, deep, slow and hearty voice makes its way towards them, gentle hands lifting her off the ground while dragging out the ‘y’ in her name. ‘I know how annoying it is when people say this, but, my, have you grown!’ He gurgles against her throat, and then her stomach, and she’s a wriggling mess of laughter and glee and he knew this would happen eventually. People naturally flock around Harry, like pigeons fluttering around a scattering of seeds and grains.
Niall was watching the exchange fondly, and when his eyes met Zayn’s, wide grins and knowing looks were exchanged. They were halfway home, and they felt euphoric. Nirvana spreading through his veins like the oxygen he hadn’t been able to breathe well without.
‘Let’s go home, yeah?’ Harry suggested, putting down the still giggling little menace (Harry refuses to believe that Lily’s capable of all the mischief in the tales Zayn and Niall recount to him over tea and Skype, but he’s definitely going to get a taste of it soon enough) and putting his hands on his waist- typical Harry stance, honestly. Zayn almost rolls his eyes, because he hasn’t changed at all, but he’s eager to see whether Louis and Liam are the same, too, so he nods hastily and begins dragging his suitcase towards the exit.
The three of them walk leisurely behind him, talking over each other and chuckling and fonding so hard, and Zayn would usually want in, but for some reason, he wanted to be alone at the moment.
There was something bothering him, but he couldn’t figure out what. He’s been biting his lip, wiping down his clammy hands and fidgeting nonstop. In the harsh winter, adorning woolen clothes, he felt sweaty and sticky and nervous, for some reason. A sweat had broken out between his shoulder blades as they neared the parking lot, and Zayn needed to stop feeling this way, because he was home, goddamit. He was going to spend a long, long time with his loved ones, and there was no reason to be nervous.
Except he is, and there’s no denying it, as his tongue darts out to lick his lips repeatedly. He does some breathing exercises, and in the midst, starts thinking about how whenever he’d get like this, this sporadic nervousness would overcome him, Liam would rub circles on his neck, against his back, or gently on his wrist, and count his pulses along with him until Zayn had calmed down. He thought of coffee stained warm brown eyes and a shiver runs down his spine. That’s it, though, isn’t it? He’s nervous about Liam, and what Liam is like and what Liam is going to think of him.
The realization startles him, because of all of his mates, Liam’s the one he’s closest too. He’s just- special. He doesn’t play favorites, not with these mates from back home, he would never, but Liam’s just always been a little different and special when it came to Zayn’s affections. He doesn’t hide it, either. Everyone knows that it’s just a little different and special, with them. It’s just- ineffable, alexithymia, he thinks,because he could never describe the things Liam makes him feel. Except that it’s really, really comfortable and cozy and nice, and the last thing he wants to feel with Liam is nervous. Which is why he shakes himself mentally and physically, leading Harry and Lilly to stare at him, bemused and Niall to ask if he’s alright. He thinks maybe Niall gets it. A bit. He always blows it out of proportion though, makes it seem like Liam and Zayn harbor actual romantic feelings for each other, which is bullshit, because they’re just best mates. Special mates. He shrugs his concern off, though, and keeps charging forward. He’s starting to get breathless, even though he’s barely making conversation and the three of them are somehow able to chat relentlessly and walk at a reasonable pace too. He has no time to marvel at this, though, because he looks up from the ground and-
‘Zayn! Niall! Lil Lil!’
And Louis. He’s running towards them, looking ready to jump into their arms, so Niall, Lilly and Zayn stop in their track, preparing to catch him before the idiot falls and cracks his skull wide open. As predicted, he jumps into (somehow) all three of their arms, and Zayn can’t help grinning because, yeah. He hasn’t changed. Not one bit. (Not mentally, but physically- he adorned jean three fourths, and a marvel t-shirt. It looks great on him, but it’s a little different than what Zayn was used to. He was used to bright red and mint green trousers and stripes and suspenders and straightened dyed hair, not a quiff. But he looked marvellous and happy, so what more did Zayn need?)
They stumble around a bit, before Louis juts out, and envelopes Niall into a warm hug. There are no tears this time, because when you’re around Louis, there’s never tears. There’s only laughing and rolling of eyes (a lot of it, from both sides) sometimes yelling and throwing things, but no crying. It’s almost a rule. Lou’s too empathetic to deal with tears, Zayn knows, and that’s why he pretends he can’t stand them.
He watches Louis ruffle Lilly’s hair and rub noses with her, before walking over to Zayn. There was no smile on his lips, even though his eyes were mirthful and happy and dancing. Zayn kept his face completely blank too, for two whole minutes, by which time Lily and Niall had gone to join Harry and possibly Liam. Liam, who-
He pushes all thoughts of Liam away as Louis finally breaks and clings to Zayn. He too, reeks a little of Harry and musky cologne, fruit and candy because Louis loves fruit candies, and of freshness and earthiness and comfort. Zayn loves him so much, his heart hurts. He runs a hand through his tactfully messy hair, earning a groan from Louis, and he can’t decide if it was out of pain or sexual. Louis slaps his arse, making Zayn yelp and shove him away, though he keeps his arms on his shoulders. ‘Prick. Didn’t miss you one bit, you know?’
Louis grins at him. ‘I know. Ditto, bro. Dread having you around all the time, too. Gonna be shit painful, pretending to enjoy your company again. I thought I was finally free when you left for London and your posh streets and diners, but I was wrong, apparently.’
Zayn slaps his arm. ‘You love my company, you tosser. Also, what the fuck are posh streets? They’re the exact same everywhere, you creep.’
‘Damn straight I do, man.’ Louis has a glint in his eye and his face has gone all soft, and Zayn has barely seen this look morph his features, because Louis is usually all smiles and mischievous grins, or mock looks of hatred and annoyance, and sometimes sympathetic, but this soft, loving look is something Zayn isn’t very used to. He remembers seeing it when Zayn stuck up for a 4rth year kid who was getting bullied for liking a colour that was supposedly feminine, and when Zayn spent a week at Louis’ place because his favourite neighborhood cat had died and nobody else understood but Zayn. Maybe a few more times, and he’s definitely seen it a lot when Louis looks at Harry, but. It’s rare, is the thing. And Zayn doesn’t know how to feel, or what to do, so he just yanks Louis forward and hugs him again. They part with Louis pressing a kiss to his forehead, and walk towards the rest, catching up on life, and exchanging banter again.
Zayn feels light again, and that lasts for a while, before he realizes they’ve reached the old, ratty car the five of them have used since Louis finally got his license, for road trips and whatnot, and he remembers that he’s going to meet Liam properly, after three whole years, and- Shit.
There he is. Leaning against the car, smiling easily and playing with Lilly’s earlobe. He’s breathtaking, is the thing. Gorgeous tan covering his entire body, his hair is styled into a curly mohawk, his smile stretching his gorgeous, plump lips- okay, what? He mentally chides himself because who thinks of their best mate’s lips like that, that’s weird, right? The point being- Liam looks ethereal, especially with his skin glistening in the sun and his smile so genuine and bright, and it’s strange how it makes Zayn’s tummy do flip flops and somersaults.
Mentally jostling himself, Zayn walks up to Liam and waits for him to notice him. Which takes a few seconds, and soon Liam is laughing wildly, in that typical way of his, throwing his head back and eyes squinting unintentionally at something Lilly said, before noticing Zayn and his laughter halts midway-
Zayn feels a bit guilty for robbing him of that happiness, but then Liam’s grinning at him and looking at him in a way that makes Zayn shiver, literally, and stumble a bit. He’d missed him so much, he thinks, the most. His wide eyes are sincere and open and scream ‘I missed you so much, so so much, and I’m so glad you’re in front of me-‘and god Zayn needs a moment, but he doesn’t take it, instead stepping forward and crowding into Liam’s space. He doesn’t look like he minds though, (a little nervous, like Zayn, and that makes him a little happy) so he slowly rests his forehead against Liam’s and exhales. They’re both grinning now, and everything seems perfect. The radio in the car playing Paperwhite, (Zayn can make out the lines ‘you gave to me another chance to feel time freeze, another chance to keep moving, another chance to feel alive’ and shit, that seems fitting) and their mates giggling and playfully shoving at each other and a it’s a familiar street that he’s currently on, and everything feels perfect. ‘A taste of fantasy’ he can’t help but mumble, Liam giggling and breaking contact, gently shoving Zayn behind. They don’t need to talk about how much they missed each other, that was sufficiently exchanged, through shy eyes and enamoured grins. So Liam tells him about this new deli on Zayn’s old street that sells this fantastic new cheese that he bets Zayn hasn’t tasted yet, and that claims he wants to take Zayn there tomorrow and he sounds a little nervous, like Zayn was going to refuse, and how? Zayn honestly wants to learn how to deny Liam things, to be honest. Because it’s practically impossible to, he swears. He simply nods though, and hugs Liam tight (he also wants to find a place he belongs more, than in these arms, but he chastises himself at that thought because, again that is not the kind of thing you’re supposed to associate with best mates. Zayn knows this. But he keeps forgetting this.)
*****
‘Technically, it was not stealing. At that point of time, I was sure I was going to return it.’ Louis finishes, a satisfied expression on his face, as if that statement made up for the fact that he stole a rake from his neighbour.
Four indignant snorts and a giggle from Lilly bring out a scowl from Louis, who flicks pieces of toast at all of them. ‘I’ll return it when I move out from this flat or die, whichever comes last.’
‘It’s whichever comes first, Louis, how can you-‘
‘Details, Zayn, are not important. And we’re done with discussing this. Forever.’
Zayn slides further down the couch and rests his head on Niall’s shoulder. He’s a bit jealous of Niall, because Liam’s leaning against his legs and his fingers are playing with Liam’s hair and he really wants to be touching Liam at all times. But he yelled at Harry for the same thing two days back when he had been hogging Liam in the kitchen for dinner prep and Zayn had missed him terribly for those forty five minutes and everyone had teased him relentlessly, leaving him and Liam a blushing mess, avoiding eye contact for a while, before going back to cuddling and chatting about all the latest marvel comics (he’s a little surprised at how much they know about each other- how he knew that Liam would hate the most recent X-Men comic, but love the Guardians of Knowhere update, and Liam knew that Zayn had loved Age Of Ultron even though practically everyone else had hated it.
He sighs happily, because the last week has probably been the best week in his life. The day they’d arrived, the six of them spent the day at Harry’s house, catching up on life, before having dinner at the one posh restaurant in town (Louis had insisted they go there, because, he said, he didn’t want Zayn and Niall getting too homesick for their posh restaurants in London, and that’s why, they must dine at the poshest place available). Zayn rolls his eyes at the memory because it’s been a week and Louis still hasn’t let go of the whole ‘posh London lifestyle’ thing. This morning, he tried to wake Zayn up with a posh English accent because he was sure Zayn was too used to his ‘posh art and literature mates’ in London waking him up. And he’s not sick of it yet, only because Louis is an idiot and he’d missed him so much. It’ll only take one more week though, and Zayn will go back to dreaming about throttling Louis in his sleep. That’s a happy thought, because Zayn feels weird not getting annoyed by every single moronic Louis thing.
The next two days, they spent at the cheap amusement park called DisneyPlace (staple tourist attraction of the town) that they used to visit together when they were kids. Lots of unhealthy eating (Niall had 7 boxes of candy floss, Zayn was a bit surprised that he didn’t go into a sugar coma ), lots of scary rides that made Zayn cling to Liam after, and lots of pictures had resulted in the next two days spent sleeping and recovering and Harry sending soup to everyone’s place. Zayn was staying with Harry, Niall and Lilly were staying with Louis (Louis has a bit of a mansion for a house, and Liam lived with his parents, hence the arrangements), until they could find decent, cheap flats for themselves.
That reminded Zayn of the decision he had to make. The impending - is he going to be in town only for the summer, or is it going to be more of a permanent arrangement? Niall was permanently moving back to town, had even enrolled Lilly at the local school, and had been looking for a pub where he could perform and DJ and put his music degree to use. Zayn, however, was unsure. He wanted to get his master’s from London too, but the uni he was attending had their seats almost full and Zayn wasn’t sure he’d get in with his scores (above average, but not enough, according to his professors) and the second best uni in London was not much better than the uni in town. He wanted to stay here for the comfort and the happiness, but he was worried about whether it would be enough. He swallows his doubt and decides to think about it later, when he isn’t thinking of his mates and the comfort of this town, when the overwhelming happiness about being home wears off, and he can think clearly. When he can weigh out the pros and cons and decide practically. Because right now, he doesn’t want to go back to London, not one bit, and that’s a little worrying, but he shrugs it off because it’s just the coziness and the high of being back home talking.
He dislodges himself from Harry’s grip, steps over Louis’ sleeping body, grabs his pack of cigarettes and ducks out of the living room, heading to the balcony for a much needed smoke. He thinks of London, with its lights making the city blaringly obvious, it’s jam packed streets (even at midnight), the rush and hastiness in people’s lives, all the humongous houses, the huge hoardings advertising the latest trends and the smell of sweat and urban living, loud coffee shops with lazy, rude students and angry customers, it’s glamour and streets filled with jewellery and branded clothes stores. It’s all pleasant enough, interesting and artistic enough for Zayn. Inspiring enough too, with all the graffiti on the walls and the locals and tourists with rainbow coloured hair and fifteen ear piercings (and the ones in all black and natural styles, because they were as interesting) and the pure variety of people there- he loved it all. And it evokes a sense of longing in his heart. He listens, and yearns for the noises of people shouting- an impromptu band of a few teenagers wanting to belong and vehicles with impatient drivers honking away- he might miss it. A lot, actually.
He hears footsteps behind him, and startles a bit, before warm, calloused hands cover his eyes and an earthy, soft giggle is resounded. He grins because it’s Liam and Liam makes him extremely happy. Soft, dorky, sincere Liam, who is the closest to perfection, Zayn thinks. Catching Liam’s wrist in his hands, he brings them in front of him, tugging Liam closer (he always wants him closer) and leaning against his warm body.
‘Miss London?’ and Zayn is so distracted that for a moment he thinks Liam is referring to him as London- and the thought is so funny that he laughs out loud, confusing Liam a bit, before shaking his head and replying.
‘Sometimes. Miss the rush, the madness. The graffiti. Don’t miss missing you, though. Don’t miss being away from here.’
Liam’s rubbing circles on his wrist and right now Zayn thinks that he doesn’t want to miss this. Doesn’t want this to be a memory he takes with him, with his luggage, to London (he needs to stop thinking about it). He wants to know how Liam’s been, though, because it’s been three whole years, and the last week has been a frenzy of jokes and gushing- but they never had a chance to properly sit down and talk. Never had a chance to be alone.
‘Hey, Li? How’ve you been? Tell me everything, yeah?’
And Liam does. He tells him about his parents, and how Karen had begged Geoff not to sell their old car because of the memories they’d created in it (which reminds Zayn of that one picnic that Liam’s parents took the five of them to because they’d done really well in their final term exams) so it’s still sitting in their garage, dusty and useless, but still full of memories. He tells him how his sisters have changed drastically- he sounds a little upset, but very proud- from bratty and bossy older sisters to lovely, hardworking but still bossy, older sisters. Zayn scoffs because he always thought they were lovely- Liam was just bitter because they always made him the scapegoat of their mischief. Liam shift his hands (and his head, placing his chin on Zayn’s shoulder) so they’re resting, clasped together, on Zayn’s stomach, feeling every breath he inhales and exhales, Zayn’s hands resting atop of them. He’s a bit too aware of the size and texture of the hands under his.
Liam tells him about Loki, and how he’s been sick for a while, and it was all Liam could think about that week (and Zayn remember that week- Liam shaved his head and looked distracted and fidgety the entire week. He didn’t want to worry Zayn, apparently, and that’s why he never told him. Zayn’s sort of glad, too, because he had tests that week, and with the amount of love he has for Loki, he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate one bit) but he’s almost as good as new now (Zayn sort of hates that phrase, thinks it makes Loki sound like a toy, and Liam gets it, so he bites his shoulder and mumbles an apology and rephrases his sentence), so Liam’s going to collect him in two days- and he invites Zayn, too, none of that nervousness that his voice held that first day back in town in his, remaining. Zayn accepts, of course, squeezing Liam’s hand. Liam is the bravest person he ever met, he thinks and listens as Liam talks about his last year of high school and his two years at uni and how he was terribly lonely for a while, with him taking completely different classes from the rest of them. Zayn jokingly asks him if that’s the time he missed Zayn the most- and Liam denies it- saying that the time he missed Zayn the most was when the three of them graduated and his parents took him for another one of their drives and picnics and Liam was so happy that day- but he wasn’t happy enough, too, because he could never reach that high without Zayn next to him. And Niall, he adds. Zayn suddenly feels the wetness in his eyes and blinks repeatedly to suppress them.
Liam continues to talk about his classes and how he kind of hated them, which was why he dropped out and enrolled at the firefighter training academy and fell in love with it. He talks about Louis and Harry and how they’re so completely in love but so adamant about not wanting to ruin their friendship (and that hits home, for some reason- and makes him shudder and think of Liam and the thoughts he’d been having recently about his lips and staying in his arms forever) and denying their feelings and how all three of them have not once met up for a lunch or a movie without missing Niall and Zayn. He thinks he understands, because he associates Niall with the three of them, and the three of them with Niall, and he sees them as individuals, but also as his main source of happiness- and he’s always had a bit of stomach twisting and nostalgia when he and Niall do something the five of them used to do together.
Liam ends with talking about the last few months- and the three of them not being able to go a day without talking about how lovely it was going to be once Zayn and Niall and Lilly came back. He talks about being excited as hell about getting his firefighting license and his dream job, and about playing with Loki and not having to get worried about tiring him every second, and about spending time as a five some and not a threesome (which makes Zayn snort and Liam slap his arm for it)- and then he’s asking Zayn about his plans- whether he’s staying for good, or leaving and that makes Zayn tense up, refusing to answer and shrugging his shoulders because he doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to think about it right now, he just wants to listen to Liam talk in his soft voice and feel his heartbeat against his back. That’s it.
Eventually, Liam gets Zayn to talk about his three years, and there’s a lot of giggling and arm slapping involved. Zayn tells him about his classes, his mates (‘Don’t ditch us for them, ‘kay?’ ‘Can’t promise that, Li, they’re a pretty interesting bunch.’ And then Liam pouts for a while until Zayn hugs him and kisses his nose and tells him that they’re his favourite people in the entire world and no one could ever replace them, making Liam fake gag and Zayn flip him off, because ‘you asked for it, wanker, not me’). He talks about his writing courses and his newfound talents for sculpting and spoiling Lilly. He talks about Niall and Sally, how they’re the simplest, most easygoing couple Zayn’s ever met, how relaxed he feels in their company, how much they love Lilly and each other, how much he loves all three of them- they talk for a good hour and a half before the sounds of three people snoring over each other (Louis’ being the loudest and crudest, obviously) alerts them.
‘Should probably get to dinner, right? It’s my turn tonight. Help me?’ Liam asks him, gently massaging his shoulders.
‘Always, Li.’ And they head to the kitchen, stepping over three star fished, sleeping, snoring bodies. And it’s a nice feeling in Zayn’s chest again. He thinks about how long it’s going to take for this to get burnt- for something potentially problematic to happen and send his good mood and this right feeling in his lungs to hell.
(an hour and a flour fight later)
‘Shit, Zayn, I said hand me the salt- not the sugar! The pesto’s going to be all sweet now. Thanks to you!’ Liam groans while trying desperately to fix the sauce.
Zayn pouts. ‘The powdered sugar and salt look the exact same, Leeyum. It’s not my fault. Why don’t you have crystalized sugar? It’s so more convenient? It’s the only one used in London.’
‘Well, go back to London then. Only powdered sugar here.’ There’s no heat in his words, only a slightly amused tilt, so Zayn relaxes. ‘Honestly though, Zayn, you’re a hazard. If Louis complains about the food, don’t expect me to take the blame, ‘kay?’
Zayn quickly trots over to him and sticks his face right under where Liam’s slightly panic stricken face (he has a cute little concentrated frown on his face, and Zayn wants to coo at it) and sticks his lower lip out, widening his eyes at him. ‘You wouldn’t take the fall for me, Liam? For me? Because Louis loves you more and he’d definitely forgive you faster. If I were you, I’d take the fall for me, babe.’
He’s just joking around, but for some reason Liam turns bright red, his eyes widening and Zayn doesn’t know wh- oh. It’s the ‘babe’, isn’t it. Zayn’s pout slips off, replaced by a smirk. ‘Like being called that, huh, babe?’ Liam looks like a deer caught in headlights for a moment, before-
Zayn is shrieking as a tumbler filled with cold water and poured down his back and Liam is now beet red- this time because of laughter, not embarrassment, the jerk.
He feels like grinning madly because he’s so fond of Liam and so fond of the way he’s such a silly dork sometimes, taking joy in pouring a tumbler of water down someone’s back, honestly, but he doesn’t let it show, instead schooling his face into an angry frown. He steps forward, slowly making his way towards Liam, leaning against the opposite wall, still giggling a bit, and crowds into his space. Unlike last time, he doesn’t rest his forehead on Liam’s but he’s still unbelievably close. He expects him to get a little scared, a little wary. But instead, Liam is grinning mischievously. And Zayn feels so- overwhelmed. He looks like sunshine, is the thing. Like Zayn’s favourite scents (vanilla or lemon) and his favourite books (The Catcher in the Rye and To Kill a Mockingbird), his favourite songs (he has too many, and Liam knows them all by heart, even though his music taste is vastly different) and all his favourite places (which are all right next to Liam, actually). His eyes are glistening, his face so happy and open- Zayn feels like crying because he knows Liam, and Liam gets this look on his face only when he’s 100% happy and when he feels like home and comfort and to think that being with Zayn makes him look like that is just. Alexithymia.
Feeling overwhelmed makes Zayn do stupid things, apparently, because for a second he’s thinking he’s in love and the lyrics ‘you’re my sweetest downfall’ are what he thinks about, and then the next? He’s kissing Liam into oblivion; hands itching to hold his face, or tug on his hair or his-
That’s when he realizes what he’s doing and how much he was enjoying it, and pulls back, staring into Liam’s widened ‘what the fuck just happened’ eyes, before bolting out of the kitchen and the flat.
*****
He’s trying to breathe, he is, but it’s hard. It’s hard to breathe, and he’s craving a smoke or Liam but he can’t have either right now and it’s hurting. He’s almost running now, crossing the streets with a reckless abandon he knows he’s going to regret later, but right now, he doesn’t care, he just wants to lie down.
He reaches Harry’s flat and fumbles for the keys, dropping them in his haste. He curses at himself, and the moment he gets the door open, he rushes into the guest room and flops onto the bed. He buries himself under the duvet and tries not to think, instead concentrating on breathing. In and out- about twenty times. The moment he can feel himself begin to think, he pulls out his iPod and blasts playlist after playlist until he falls asleep. As long as he’s not thinking, it’s all good.
*****
‘Why aren’t you saying anything? Why are you not freaking the fuck out, Louis?!’ Liam stares desperately at Louis, wondering why the hell Louis wasn’t surprised about the whole kissing fiasco.
‘Want honesty, Liam?’ he asks. Liam frowns at him because what, but he nods. ‘I always knew this would happen. He fancies the pants off of you, and does a terrible job of hiding it, so. You know, I figured he’d be sick of holding back one day.’
Liam needs to sit down. There’s a chant of what what what what is louis talking about what what what because no way in hell does zayn fancy him right nope he would know he’s his best mate that’s so not possible resonating in his head. But, like, he kissed Liam, so. So there is a possibility, actually. But then why’d he run away like it was a mistake right after?
‘Why’d he run away right after kissing me, then?’ Liam demands. ‘He was kissing me one second, and the next he was pulling back, and heading out the door. That’s not what people usually do after they kiss people they fancy. It’s more of a thing people do when they’re high on adrenaline and they kiss someone by mistake in the spur of the moment.’
Louis stares at him for a long time. ‘You’re a daft one, you know? Very thick.’
Liam scowls and flips him off.
‘Darling, honestly. Okay. First off, what were you guys doing that gave him an adrenaline rush?’
Liam thinks about it and- ‘Cooking? And I poured a tumbler of cold water down his shirt. He shrieked, his voice went all high and it was adorable, to be honest, like a-‘
Louis rolls his eyes and raises his hand to stop Liam. ‘Cooking gave him a rush, you’re saying?’
‘Well. I guess? I don’t why else he would kiss me.’
‘I just told you why, you moron, he fancies you!’ Louis’ looks like he’s on the verge of throttling Liam and it makes him a little nervous. He’s just not very used to this.
‘But then why’d he run o-‘
‘Shit, Liam, if you kissed someone you fancied, and you believed that said person didn’t like you back, what would you do?’
‘Run away, but-‘
‘Exactly. And what exactly was your reaction when he kissed you?’
‘I felt really-‘
‘I don’t care, Liam, honestly, we can about that later. What about physically? How did you react physically?’
‘Um.’ He felt a bit chided and overwhelmed and his mind never works clearly in these situations. ‘I think I was just really surprised. Physically, too. I mean- I guess wide eyes? I didn’t get a chance to kiss back, I was just really shocked.’
‘I rest my case. Wouldn’t you have reacted the exact same way if you kissed someone you fancied and they responded that way?’
Now that he thinks about it, yes. Exactly that way. ‘So you really think he fancies me?’
Louis winks at him. ‘The real question is- do you fancy him?’
He used to, he thinks. He used to fancy the shit out of Zayn. But then he’d left, and Liam was so glad, because he could finally relax, not be tense about kissing him all the time, and doing things that mates just didn’t. Instead, he just missed him even more, and that made his infatuation grow. Everything he saw, or thought, he would want to tell Zayn about. But by the time Zayn returned, Liam had taught himself self control and had almost convinced himself that he didn’t like Zayn. Didn’t like boys, even.
But then Zayn had kissed him and it all came back to him. He was all of Liam’s dreams and favourite memories wrapped into one, and the kiss reminded him of that.
‘I um, I guess? I enjoyed the kiss quite a bit and- Zayn’s always been special, you know?’ Liam tries.
Louis scoffs. ‘Please. You fancy him just as much, don’t you? Its fine, Li, things will be okay. You fancy him, he obviously fancies you, what more do you need for the perfect recipe, honestly?’
Liam is about to reply, but Louis continues. ‘Good food, come on, chop chop, Liam, this pesto tastes weird, be a flower and fix it, please? I’m only saying please because you’re having a crisis right now. Ta, now, I wanna go give the other two some love, ‘kay? You don’t worry about your boy, it’ll get sorted.’
Liam doesn’t think it’s going to get sorted as easily as he’s making it sound, but he simply nods and goes back to cooking. Louis leaves the kitchen, slapping Liam’s bum on the way, the wanker, leaving Liam alone with his thoughts. His thoughts, that are scattered and confused and not getting him anywhere.
He decided to just ignore it for the time being.
*****
Zayn doesn’t return for dinner, or the next day. Liam freaks out a lot. Zayn sleeps a lot.
*****
It’s not easy. Ignoring Liam is probably one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, besides leaving Liam and this town behind. The only thing making it slightly easier is that Liam didn’t seem to want to interact with Zayn either.
He watches as Liam swerves the moment he sees Zayn, and wonders whether Liam’s trying to deliberately stay away from Zayn too, or whether he’s doing it simply because he didn’t want to make Zayn uncomfortable. Either way, it sucks and Zayn knew something had to ruin that cloud of happiness in his chest. The other boys have taken to distributing their time between the two, and meals together are way too awkward for him to handle. He wants to break this cycle, but he doesn’t know how. Should he just go right up to Liam and talk to him about something random or should he apologize for his actions. He’s confused and uncomfortable and he hates it. Apparently are do the other three, who are constantly whispering amongst each other and shooting worried glances at Liam and Zayn (sitting on the opposite ends of the couch, with Lilly between them and staring resolutely at the TV screen). He knows that Liam’s told Louis, because the two of them seem to be arguing a lot lately, too (he wonders what they’re arguing about, though. His best guess is that Louis is trying to get him to talk to Zayn again, just ignore what had happened. Harry and Niall seem confused (and curious. Very curious. And he’s tired of the questions, now.) Lilly’s been picking up on the situation too, and Zayn for once, isn’t thankful about her being observant. She asks Zayn about it, one night, when he’d reading to her, and she interrupts her favorite bedtime story to question Zayn about his and Liam’s situation. Zayn tries to laugh it off, tries to convince her that they’re completely fine. There’s no way he convinced her, damn her clever brain, but he might have looked desperate enough for her to not push.
Another thing picking at Zayn is that Liam has been looking sufficiently upset by the whole thing. He doesn’t look mad at all. Just very, very upset and careful around Zayn. He figures it’s because he misses Zayn because they were best mates, after all. What he doesn’t get is why Liam doesn’t look the least bit mad. That too, Zayn thinks, could just be because Liam is, like, the best person ever, and probably has people falling all over him all the time and has become used to his mates kissing him randomly.
*****
Days have passed. 8, to be exact. And both he and Liam have not uttered a single word to each other. The rest are quite a bit upset at them. Including Lilly, who refuses to talk to Zayn, always pretending to be asleep when Zayn goes to read to her. It sort of hurts Zayn, because it’s not just Liam he’s losing, but the others too. And this was definitely not what he expected. The word losing seems a bit too dramatic, he thinks, it’s not like things won’t be the same ever, but it feels dramatic enough to use it. Which is why he uses it when he’s crying about it to Harry and Niall. Harry slaps him hard on the face, and he looks up, shocked, to see Harry frowning and Niall pouting (and Zayn never thought he’d pull it off, honestly, but he puppy eyes' quite well, Zayn is mildly impressed) at him.
‘Why would you say that? You’re not losing us, Zayn. What the fuck? I know things with Liam have hit a rough patch, and it’s thrown things off balance a bit, but we’re all mates for life, right? This is nothing. We’ll get past it. Sooner or later. So stop sa-‘
‘Sooner if you just grow a pair and talk to him, mate’ Niall interrupts. Zayn scowls at him.
But Harry’s right, and he didn’t mean what he said anyway. ‘I know. I’m sorry. I don’t really believe that, honest. Just came out, sort of. Sorry.’
Harry shrugs. ‘S’fine, just remember that we’re all there for you. Liam included. Liam especially, I think.’ He winks at Zayn and- what? ‘What’s with the winking?’
Harry just winks at him again and Zayn sighs, going back to the plant he’d been- planting.
*****
Zayn hates Harry, Niall and Louis with a burning passion. Because they’re inconsiderate assholes, and Liam and Zayn are currently locked in a room (room, not even the house) and Liam looks miserable and uncomfortable and Zayn hates his friends. And himself.
He does want to fix things with Liam, though, and he thinks, there’s no time better than the present right?
‘Um. Liam?’
Liam looks up, scared and confused.
‘Can we just- can we go back to normal? To us? You and me?’
He looks pained and a little disappointed and Zayn is so, so confused.
‘I guess? I mean I thought we could talk about it? I mean. It’s better to talk about it, right?’ He’s starting to look hopeful and no, Zayn knows he wants him to deny his feelings for Liam and he doesn’t want to get into that right now, because he hasn’t worked that out himself either and he really doesn’t want to get into it. ‘The- the kiss, I mean, I guess-‘
‘I think we should just move past it, Liam. I’m sorry it happened, honestly, please let’s just not talk about it and get over it and please go back to being us.’ He manages to get out, voice shaking.
‘Okay.’ Liam’s nodding, and his eyes seem- teary? ‘Okay, I’m okay with that. Moving past it. That’s what we should- yeah.’
Zayn nods too, not even close to feeling satisfied about things, but he doesn’t know why, so he ignores the feeling of being incomplete. He and Liam will be alright, at least. Things will be fine. They’re still best mates. (Best mates, he has to remind himself, not more. Not best mates who kiss. Platonic best mates.)
*****
It’s been three weeks since the day he and Zayn were locked in the room, and Liam was going to pour his heart out, and instead Zayn admitted that it was a mistake and they should just get past it. Three weeks, and things are almost perfect, because they’re back to being themselves again, and everyone seems comfortable and happy, and Lilly is finally talking to him again, but. Somethings missing, and he knows it’s a piece of his heart. It feels like it did just before Zayn left and Liam had discovered his feelings for him. It’s shitty and Liam hates it and he can’t stop thinking of Zayn’s lips against his. He figures the memory probably disgusts Zayn.
*****
‘I’m going back to London in a few weeks, Lou. I sent my application to the uni’s there. I reckon I’ll get into at least one. I’ll be back for every other holiday, though.’ He says quietly in the dark. He can hear Louis’ breath hitch and his body turn to face Zayn’s.