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Why did it have to rain that day? Why did it have to be thundering to express just how mad Kim Dokja was at me? Why did the pattering of the raindrops against the window feel like knives stabbing into my heart?
I finally admitted it to him. I can’t move on.
I can’t move on from the woman I’ve loved.
I told him that fateful day that he reminds me of her; every action he does, every choices he makes, every laugh he lets out, and every smile he sends towards me. My heart couldn’t help but throb and ache.
It’s wrong for me to admit. I should’ve just kept it to myself just so I could feel his embrace in my arms once again. My warmth contrasting with his — only then did I realize how I’ve truly appreciated his presence.
He deserved better, I know. He deserved more than better - more than me.
I can’t help but long for his embraces when he left. I wanted to stop him and let me explain, but Kim Dokja remained resentful. It was like I could still see the hurt in his eyes — no, I’m pretty sure that he made sure to let it know that my words hurt him.
“I’m sorry, I still love her. I still love Seolhwa.”
How ridiculous.
The moment he slammed the door, I fell to the floor. But, I couldn’t afford to shed tears. I thought to myself, if I still loved her, then why does this hurt so much?
This didn’t hurt as much as Lee Seolhwa leaving me, but when it came to Kim Dokja, why did it have to hurt so damn much? Why did my heart throb so damn hard to the point where it almost ceased its beating? Why did my chest start to burn, and why did it feel like there’s something bile trying to climb its way up? Why did it feel like I had just swallowed the biggest lump down my throat? Why did it finally start to feel like I’ve truly loved Kim Dokja?
The time away from him made me appreciate the littlest things we used to do. It made me see Kim Dokja in a different light. I used to think that it was because I still see her in him, but the heart never lies when, for the last couple of months, it skips a beat for the man I dated.
How tragic. This is such a tragedy.
Would it still be a tragedy if I never said those words out loud? Would my future be like this—miserable and lonely—if I never said to Kim Dokja that I still loved my ex?
I began to remember the sayings and promises I made to him, the words I used to think that I would be able to say to Lee Seolhwa.
“I want our future to be as bright as the stars before us.”
“I want to dance with you under the darkness, and just indulge in the feeling, Dokja. The feeling of embracing you has never felt so serene.”
“I promise that one morning, I would be able to push your hair out of your face while you sleep just to appreciate your beauty, and hold your hand—a ring adorning your ring finger that symbolizes our everlasting love and fidelity.”
“Do you want me to be honest, Kim Dokja? I see a future with you in it. I can envision a photo frame with the two of us smiling just right by the living room of our own house.”
“Hear me out on my words. No matter what universe we’re in; I’ll always love you. From one universe to another, and another, and another. I want us to happen in every universe, I want us to be happily together. I want to stay by your side and meet you in every universe existing.”
Yet, did we have a chance in this one?
It drove me mad that I still miss him.
If there were really other alternate universes out there—please, grant my wish.
Make Kim Dokja the happiest person I’ve known, no matter what situation he gets himself into.
He deserves better.