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All forms of attachment was forbidden and so was the unspoken thing you had with Anakin. From the beginning, you had known what you knew what that entailed and that didn't help.
The pain that ached in your chest didn't subside because you knew the rules. It only worsened it. You could never be married publicly to the man you loved as long as you were a Jedi.
Being a Jedi was a life that wasn't for the weak. You weren't weak though and that confused you. The other Jedi weren't in your position. Unlike you, they were strong enough to push away their feelings and remain focused.
You had wished you had the same strength as them. Being weak to love and caring about those around you was your fault. You tried to view it as a strength, your compassion is what made you so dedicated.
The way you cared for and loved others is what motivated you. It was hard to understand these were all frowned upon.
Despite all this, you were an exceptional Jedi even if your codes weren't up to standards. Soon you realized if you were to become a Jedi knight rather than a Padawan, there needed to be a change. You pushed aside your emotions and did your best to regulate them.
Protecting and serving the Jedi order was more important, you had promised to lay your life down if it meant it. There was no sense in breaking that oath, not now or ever.
Your allegiance to the Republic couldn't be swayed, you wouldn't let it. But now standing there in the same room as Anakin, made it harder to see your goal.
To remain professional and well-collected. You couldn't be sure whatever you felt was mutual and that wounded you when it shouldn't have.
Anakin not caring the way you did was something you were supposed to support and encourage. Fighting off that feeling was impossible.
Obi-wan had sent him over, with responsibilities to guard the Senator Amidala he accompanied by you.
Padme was in her dressing room, hiding away. She wasn't too ecstatic about being watched over. You promised to not be overbearing and so did Anakin. It was easy to understand that she didn't like the idea of two Jedi peeking over her shoulder.
The sentiment in your promise to her was kind and she appreciated it. Already you could tell your time with the Senate would be enjoyable rather than a chore.
You stood there leaning up against the wall, looking out on the terrace. The view of the city from Amidala's apartment was beautiful. It made you quite jealous, the Jedi temple didn't have this luxury.
Instead, the room you called your own was rather small and bland. You could barely see anything out the windows but you heard everything.
Over and over you reminded yourself to not feel displeased with your living quarters. You were a Jedi, they didn't need extravagant things.
Still, you couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed, after all, you were a human with the ability to form negative emotions.
"The city looks nice from here, doesn't it?" Anakin's voice nearly startled you.
You were so lost in your thoughts you hadn't heard or felt him make his way toward you. Completely your fault for letting your guard down.
"It's a shame we don't have anything like this at the temple." You said as you continued to look straight not bothering to meet his eyes.
"I wouldn't mind waking up to this view every day but at least it makes us more grateful for when we do get to enjoy the city." Anakin glanced over at you.
"Maybe you're right but when did you become so wise?" You couldn't believe that Anakin Skywalker had said something like that. Instead of an actual response, you were expecting a snarky or unserious reply. Looking over at him you gave him a soft smile, one that would've gone unnoticed if he hadn't already been focused on you.
"Of course I am, this is all me." He smiled with a cocky grin. There it was, you thought too soon.
"Remind me to never agree with you again." You groaned as you pushed off the wall.
"You'll find that impossible." He continued, his smile growing wider.
"It's like each day your ego just gets worse and worse." You shook your head.
"That's only because you feel it."
"I do not." The sudden defensive response only made him find it all funnier. His laugh was soft and echoed through the apartment. Making it almost impossible to not laugh with him.
You followed after him as he walked over to the chairs. Neither of you or him sat, instead, you stood there, leaned over as you held onto them.
"Have you seen Padme?" Anakin asked you.
You looked over towards her room, the door was closed and it had been for a while. "Last time I heard from her, she went off to get dressed."
"It's been a while, I'm starting to get worried."
"I haven't felt a disturbance," You turned back towards Anakin.
"Neither have I."
His response only confused you, the last thing you'd allow was Padme getting hurt.
"Then we have nothing to worry about."
"We can't be too sure, there's a bounty on her. Who knows how well and badly these people need to get the job done." Anakin was defensive.
"I'll check on her." You offered but Anakin quickly shut it down.
"I'll do it," He walked off without another word. You turned your head in his direction watching as he walked up to her door.
Your mind couldn't help but wander off, unable to stop and assume. There must've been something between them, it had to have happened while you were away. You cursed yourself for having to go away for a little while but ultimately you reminded yourself.
There are more pressing manners than this. Especially when other people were involved, people that needed protection.
Anakin knocked on her bedroom door. He waited patiently for a response but only shuffling could be heard.
"I'll be out there in just a second." Padme's voice called out from behind the door.
Anakin hesitantly moved away from her door. You watched him, noticing the way he stood there.
He looked nervous, anxious even and it must've been because he liked her. You couldn't blame him, Padme was pretty, smart, and she was strong. In many different ways, she used to be a Queen, she led her people, and she was an excellent speaker.
You had been in Anakins life since you were a young child yourself, he must've thought he'd never get the chance to speak to her again.
After realizing there were better options than his slightly clumsy, and irrational best friend. Why would Anakin choose a padawan?
Your heart broke for something that had never even begun.
Padme pushed open the door. She was dressed in a nightgown that wrapped over her shoulders. Despite being ready for bed she still looked stunning.
"Hey? What's the matter?" Padme softly asked him. She walked up to his side, clearly worried by his timid stance.
You stood there looking at them for a moment but then you couldn't. Not being able to stand there any longer you pushed off the chair. You walked away and back outside to the balcony that overlooked the city of Coruscant.
All the inner conflict you were feeling began to dissipate. This was the right thing, cast aside your feelings. They made you weaker, blind, and messy.
You closed your eyes tightly, drowning out your thoughts you focused on the sounds from the city.
Footsteps closed in on you behind you. Instead of turning towards them, you continued to ignore them.
You knew exactly who it was and you saw no point. He had already snuck up on you earlier.
"Your thoughts are loud, I can hear them inside." He walked up to your side.
Anakin leaned over the railing, resting his hands beside yours.
Taking a peak you looked over before turning away again.
"I'm out here to clear my mind."
"Is my presence really that awful?" He tried to fight back a smile but failed. Without even looking at him you could hear it in the way he spoke.
"Yes, it is, now go before I jump off this balcony to escape you."
"I'd pay to see that."
"Of course, you would." You opened your eyes to take a proper look at him.
Despite his snarky replies he still had the same look as before. Something must've been bothering him and Padme didn't manage to fix it.
You wanted to ask him but you couldn't be sure if that's what he wanted.
"You better get to jumping," Anakin pointed off towards the balcony.
"I'm starting to think you want me gone."
"Couldn't dream of it, even if I tried."
"Now you're going from all wise to sappy?" You teased him as you bumped into his side. Anakin groaned not bothering to look at you. He stared off to the side as you smiled.
"Is everything okay?" You asked carefully.
Anakin looked taken back by your bluntness and sudden question. He didn't know how to respond or if he should be honest.
You knew him well enough to understand him. Something was bothering him and even if it was Padme, you wouldn't shame him.
No matter what, Anakin was your best friend and Padme was a good friend.
"Whatever it is that's bothering you, I hope you know you can come to me. No matter what it is." You said softly. Anakin stared down at the cement railing.
"You're my friend, and there's not much I wouldn't do for my friends."
"Even Obi-wan or Master Plo Koon?" He added.
"Yes, even them. But you especially."
"How so?" He wanted to know what you were getting at and Anakin hoped he was right.
"Well, you're my best friend, and they're not." You said as if it was obvious like this was something he should've already known. That wasn't the response he was expecting but he took it nonetheless.
"It's an honor to have such a high title. What have I done to earn it?" Instead of letting you see into him, he covered it. Continued his snarky replies in hopes of masking.
"You never quit don't you?"
"How can I?" Anakin wanted to lean into your space but he opted out of it.
"By shutting your mouth, I'm starting to regret this." You mumbled looking away from him.
"Am I getting under your skin?" He smiled leaning into you.
"You should be proud."
"I am," Anakin turned towards you.
"I'm going to kill Obi-wan for insisting we work on this together." You groaned as you fight the urge to bang your head against the railing.
"Not the Jedi way." He sang and you rolled your eyes.
"You'll be next if you keep it up." You threatened him. Anakin found it even more amusing only making it worse.
Leaning his side against the railing he looked up at you. The distance between was closing in, as you found yourself leaning into his space.
Anakin opened his mouth to find the words, he knew what he wanted to say he had been practicing. Yet the words couldn't leave his mouth. This never happened before, he never had this problem.
Ruffling behind you startled you, bringing your attention back to the mission. You weren't supposed to be out here with him. It must've been Padmé peeking over that caused the noise.
He didn't care about a distraction or if Padmé was watching, he didn't want you to leave.
"Wait," He stopped you from moving.
You turned back towards him with furrowed eyebrows you stared.
"Don't go in yet," Anakin said softly.
"Is everything okay?"
"I wanted to tell you something." He choked out. You looked back to see if Padme was truly there but she wasn't.
Anakin's stomach dropped. He worried you couldn't be bothered. Which wasn't true, you were just confused. Anakin had never done this before.
You weren't sure if he was okay.
"What is it that you wanted to tell me?" Your tone was soft as you focused your attention back on him.
He didn't know if he could tell you anymore.
"I'm worried about Padme." He diverted his attention from you. All confidence he had was gone, he couldn't face you.
Your heart dropped as you tried not to show your disappointment.
"She's a strong woman, the situation might not be easy but there's nothing she can't handle." You spoke highly of your friend. Anakin still refused to look at you.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right." He agreed. Silence washed over you for a second before you spoke up.
"Padme's really lucky to have you." You said sincerely. With Anakin who loved so deeply and cared so much, Padme truly was. You had learned to know so much about him over the years.
Anakin looked over at you with furrowed eyebrows. He had been confused by your sudden comment. Padme was your friend too, she'd be lucky to have you too. It was such a strange comment it had pushed him off track and focus.
He didn't know whether to question it or not.
A loud bang came from inside the apartment. Snapping all attention away from the conversation your head snapped back. Rushing in with Anakin trailing behind you worried something had happened.
If Padme was injured or worse you only had yourself to blame.
"Padme?" You called out her name. There was no response and it worried you. Not caring enough to knock knowing this was serious you pushed open her door.
She was standing there in front of broken glass. It seemed like Artoo had knocked into her vanity.
"I didn't mean to alert you both." Padme went to pick up the shards. You reached out stopping her. Anakin rushed over, he bent down by your side sweeping them into his hand.
He was careful to not let the smaller pieces break his skin.
"No worries, I should've been inside regardless." You said with a soft smile.
Artoo beeped repeatedly. You weren't knowledgeable in droid but you could gather it was an apology of some sort.
"He knocked over my trinket tray." Padme patted Artoo's head. The droid beeped before spinning.
A deep inhale beside you distracted you. Turning away from Padme you noticed Anakin managed to hurt himself.
"Are you okay?" You quickly bent back down to his level. Anakin went to pull his hand away but you stopped him. You inspected the gash, it wasn't incredibly deep but it needed bacta ointment.
With your fingers grazing against the back of his palm he had gone still. He worried you could notice the effect you had on him. Even while injured he held his breath, feeling the sensation from just your touch. It was like the wound didn't exist anymore.
"I'll get the med-pack." Padme quickly dismissed herself as she disappeared from the bedroom with Artoo behind her.
Leaving you to tend to Anakin you made him drop the broken shards from his uninjured hand.
"A soon-to-be Jedi wounded from broken glass and not an actual fight?" You teased. He looked away from your hand carefully holding his.
Anakin's gaze met yours and he immediately looked away not liking the closeness. He hadn't noticed how bad it got. Normally he was used to your closeness. More often than not he returned it, now he was struggling to live in it.
"There's a first to everything, right?" Anakin looked up at you.
"I have a feeling this isn't your first." You gave a soft smile and he shook his head knowing you were correct. Anakin was quite clumsy for someone studying to be a Jedi.
"I found the kit." Padme rushed over. She handed it over to you. Placing it down on her bed you ushered for Anakin to sit. He listened to your instructions and you placed the med-pac beside him.
"I'm going to get this cleaned up, properly so no one gets hurt again." She motioned towards the broken shards on the floor.
Nodding your head you watched as Padme left the room again.
Anakin sat at the edge of her bed with his leg resting between your thighs. Leaning over you opened the kit, only taking what you needed from it.
Patiently he watched as you sorted through everything.
"I need to check for glass first." You mumbled. Anakin was exceptionally well behaved which was odd but you didn't push it. He had been since he had come back into the apartment.
Before he could notice you were done and onto the next step. Cleaning up the blood around his wound and surprisingly Padme wasn't back yet.
Instead of rushing into the room she stood outside watching as you tended to him. She couldn't help but notice the way Anakin was engrossed. He stared so deeply at you and not once did you notice.
That only made her realize he never got to tell you outside. Not after she had pushed him to do it and finally admit his feelings out loud. Not wanting to interrupt she backed away.
"I'm going to wrap your hand with the bacta so it can heal quicker."
Now that you had finished wrapping his hand it was brought to your attention that the glass never got cleaned up.
"What's taking so long?" You asked yourself. He didn't let you leave. Anakin's uninjured hand reached out for you, and he grabbed your arm. Not letting you go off he stopped you.
Furrowing your eyebrows you looked at him. "Did I wrap it wrong?" Your mind immediately went to his injured one.
"No, it's fine." He wiggled his fingers.
"Are you sure? The bacta might not work well enough if it's wrong." You looked down at his hand. Not even noticing it gently held onto the back of your leg keeping you in place.
"There's something I've been wanting to tell you." He said slowly as he struggled to meet your eyes. Hoping this new found confidence wouldn’t vanish again.
"Is everything okay?" You reached over. Gently your hands grabbed his face. Forcing him to look up at you. If he wanted he knew he could easily pull away. Your grip was weak but enough for him to feel the warmth from your palms.
He found himself unintentionally leaning into them as your thumb stroked across his chin in soothing motions. If he had not been so focused he would've completely forgotten what he was trying to say.
"Everything is fine, you worry too much," Anakin said softly.
"I can't help but worry about you." With your hand resting on his cheek he wanted nothing more than to pull you down. He wanted you to be at his level.
Anakin Skywalker wanted to kiss you.
“Why do you do that?”
“Do what?” You asked with furrowed brows.
“Can’t you see what you do to me?” The way he looked up at you through his lashes made you weak. You tried to brush it off, blame it on the proximity.
“I’m not doing anything.” You were still confused, Anakin shook his head.
“You’re the only one who hasn’t noticed yet.”
You remained quiet not wanting to cut him off.
“Ever since back then, all those years ago. I’ve wanted you, to be with you and I know you must feel the same way.” He felt your hands slipping down. Grabbing onto your hands he pulled them down to his lap.
“Anakin, we cant. We’re both studying to become Jedi and we know better than anyone that attachment is forbidden.” You looked away from him. Knowing that if you did you’d melt in front of him.
“It doesn’t have to be that way. Who says attachment is a bad thing? As Jedi we’re told to have compassion, isn’t that what attachment is?” He shook his head.
Looking back towards you met his eyes. Almost instantly you regretted it. He had the same look in his eyes that you did.
You wondered how long it had been there. How long did Obi-wan or Padme know it was there for? You were a fool for thinking Anakin had something with Padme.
“We’d have to live a lie and I’m not sure I can survive that.” Shaking your head, Anakins hands traveled up.
He grabbed onto your arms gently forcing you to look back at him.
“It doesn’t have to be like that, as long as I have you we’ll be fine. I can promise you that. I’ll care for you whether you have me or not. But you can’t deny your feelings any longer.”
“Anakin,” You said his name softly.
“Yes?” He ran his thumb across the back of your hand.
“I’ve felt this way for just as long maybe even longer and I just don’t want anything to change us.”
“That’d be impossible.” He said referring to the fact you hadn’t left his mind. Not ever, not even a day could go by where you weren’t there infiltrating his mind.
“Listen, whatever it is you want. Tell me, I’ll make it happen. If you want me to take back what I said then I’ll do that too.”
“No, I don’t want you to do that either.” You leaned down ever so slightly.
“Then what is it that you want?” He whispered.
Unable to resist any longer you leaned in closer. Your hands pulled away from his grip. Reaching up you found yourself holding onto the base of his jaw.
Anakin’s body had gone still, worried that moving would scare you away. Letting you, he parted his lips as yours met his.
As you moved with him he allowed himself to indulge in the kiss.
Not caring about the cut on his hand he reached up, grabbed your hips he pulled you down. Not breaking the kiss you sat on his lap before he lifted you.
Pushing your back against the bed you reached up. Your hands played with the short hair on the back of his neck.
While his hands roamed across your torso over the fabric of the robe.
“This is Padme’s bed.” You breathed out. Anakin pulled away slowly nodding his head. He rested his forehead against yours as he tried to catch his breath.
Unable to resist you let out a small laugh. Not expecting it to get this headed let alone finding out Anakin harbored the same feelings.
As he groaned Anakin held onto you as he rolled. With his back pressed against the bed and you hovering over him. This allowed you to pull apart and sit back up.
In perfect timing, Padme made it back to the room. You awkwardly cleared your throat as you shifted. Trying to place space between you and him.
Padme knew well enough to know what happened. She let out a small laugh and you turned away feeling embarrassed.
The tousled hair that Anakin was wearing was even more concrete evidence. He sat up quickly ready to take the brush Padme was holding to clean.
“I’ll do it because you already injured yourself.” You jumped up. Anakin jumped startled by how awkward the air had gotten. Padme took a step back handing you the brush instead.
“Did I interrupt something?” She pretended to be obvious.
“No, of course not.” You said as you brushed the broken shards into the tray.
“I can sense that I did. Im your friend, it’s not too hard to tell.”
“We’re the ones with the force so I can’t be too sure.” Your teasing tone only made her find it more humorous. Especially now that Anakin was awkwardly standing by.
“I’ll go take this to the trash. Now, come on Artoo.” She motioned for her droid to come with her. He beeped before looking between Anakin and you. Anakin’s flushed face was hard to go unnoticed but Artoo didn’t speak. He zoomed out after Padme.
“I should go, you can take this shift. I’ll just be out in the waiting room. You can shout if you need my help.” Looking anywhere but at him, Anakin stopped you.
“No, I can go.” He said.
“It’s really no big deal.” You tried to reassure him. All the back and forth was beginning to hurt your head.
“Is it going to be this awkward?”
“I hope not. Why would it be?” Anakin asked you.
“Because we are right now.” You said pointing out the obvious fact.
“You’re right but it doesn’t have to be. We can still watch out for Padme together. It's not like anyone else is here.” Anakin said lowly as he approached you.
He grabbed your hand before leaning into you. Placing a soft kiss beside your lips and onto your cheek. Walking out of the room without you but with his hand still holding yours, you followed him.
“I thought you were both still in my room?” Padme turned towards you.
“I’m hungry and I’m sure you are too. I wanted to make us something.” You said.
“I can help of course.” She nodded her head.
You pulled away from Anakin and he nearly poured but reminded himself he couldn’t.
“You can watch, I wouldn’t trust you anywhere a stove.” You pointed at Anakin.
“It was one time,” He groaned.
“You burned porridge once.” Padme joined in. Anakin groaned as he rolled his eyes. “That wasn’t my fault.” He tried to defend himself. With one look from you, he accepted defeat.
Walking into the kitchen with Padme while Anakin sat on a stool across from the burner and counter.
Interacting with Padme despite her knowing made things feel normal. Almost as if you had stepped into a universe where you weren’t a Padawan but instead just a citizen of Coruscant.
Maybe if there was a universe that existed like that out there then this wouldn’t be so bad.
As you cooked Anakin as eyes focused on you so whenever Padme looked away for a second he’d reach out for you.
She’d pretend not to see the stolen glances or touches. Padme even hid her small smile whenever she noticed how happy you would become.
When the time was right, she’d mention it. For now, she would pretend to be oblivious to the fact that her friends were in love.