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I don't know, honestly, when everything just went wrong.
I've been told that if there's something that upsets you, let it stew for at least a day or two before bringing it up. If it still bothers you by then, tell them.
And I did. I told you. And it made me lose you.
You were always disappearing. Like I can only have you for a borrowed time. I understand because that's how it is in your home. There's a lot of things you need to follow. It came to a point where I told you, I'll just adopt you, and you just laughed at me and told me that if it was possible, you'll allow it.
I've been feeling really bothered, upset, more like. I've known you for a long time, a decade, can you believe that?
With how long I've known you, I shouldn't be bothered by this, with whatever I'm feeling right now, but I am, goodness.
I've been away for quite a while now. And to be honest, I'm still not used to being so far away. The first two years that passed since I left, I genuinely can't remember how I got by all alone it felt like my body was on an autopilot, I barely felt alive that time. I had to start on a clean slate, a new start I never ask for, but it happened, and I resented it so much. It made me feel so comfortable about being alone, I didn't bother trying to connect with anyone new. Because in my mind, I have friends back home, I have you, it's enough.
But as the years went by, and I couldn't go back, communications from people I hold so dearly lessens. It was fine at first, I understood. We all have lives to live. But I still tried, to some people, to you, to keep that communication alive, because that’s the only thing I can give, I can't be in there physically, I thought, even just virtually, I'll try to be there.
And I did, I did it a lot until it started to make me feel that it’s just only me making that communication go on. It made me feel lonely. Isolated. To the point it's making me think that, "Oh, this is where I exit their lives." Because I see them, I see you, going about your life, like I'm not a friend anymore, but just some bystander on the sidelines. How I'm always the last one to find out important things happening, or me finding out these important milestones happening from other people. How being away made me miss so many things happening in your life.
And the worst of all, how this situation made me feel I had no one to call whenever I needed someone. It felt like I had no one to run to.
I always try to be there. But who's there for me? I've been asking myself that for months.
All the silent battles I had wished you were there with me to conquer, I won them alone.
If I just knew that telling you this would make you leave me, I can't help but think that I should've just kept it in. Because it’s been months since the last time we talked, after you said goodbye to me when I told you I'm still here to stay no matter what, I just wanted you to know. It was eating me up, and I'm not strong enough to keep going without telling you.
And as much as how it's so painful not having you, I felt so relieved that I was finally able to make you know about this because that’s how we are, we tell each other everything.
( Time skip )
It's almost half a year now. And I have a lot of realizations. It was so selfish of me, huh? I fought a lot of battles on my own, but all along, you were in a war. I wished I would've known, I wished I would've known I was being too much, that I was suffocating you, I would've tried being less, but before I could, you already left.
I know how tough things have been for you, but the distance really did a number on me.
I'm so sorry.
Until now, I still can't grasp the fact that I don't have you in my life anymore. It felt like when you left, you took a part of me. You know how I always have this gut feel about things? I had one about you during those times where everything was alright between us, I would have this thought, "I'm gonna lose you, aren't I?" It was a terrifying feeling, and the fact that it really happened breaks me so much.
I'm learning how to live my life without you in it. I'm trying so hard because I know you'll want that for me.
And I constantly call to the universe that no matter where you are, who you are with, I beg for them to give you some people in your life who make it bearable because I know who you are, you tend to do life on your own.
I'm trying to be out there, leave my mark, that when the time comes, I at least would live in memories I left behind. But no one will be able to understand my soul the way you did.
I love you, like a whole lot. And not in the way your mother thinks (It's an inside joke ). I love you more than that.
Thank you for all the battles and wars you fought alongside me. I'm sorry that I can't be there for some of yours.
You've saved me a lot more times than you can imagine. You made it bearable to live.
You know how I always have this gut feel about things? I have one right now. You'll come back to me when you finally can.
-T