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It begins with a gaze. A gaze full of suspicion, and anger. The others have forgiven you, those ice-cold eyes seem to say, but I have not forgotten.
It’s deserved, Gaara thinks. He did almost kill Neji’s teammate in a preliminary fight, after all. And right afterwards, he participated in an invasion that easily destroyed a third of Konoha. It’s a wonder any Konoha-nin forgave him at all, really. So, he bears the suspicious gaze the Hyuga sends him whenever they meet.
Fate has a skewed sense of humor. Anytime Gaara has to interact with Konoha, he seems to cross paths with one Neji Hyuga. More often than not, the brunette is assigned to a team that goes to Suna and Gaara does not know if he does it on purpose to keep an eye on him or if the Hyuga and he just have that kind of luck.
Whenever Neji is not actually assigned to a team for Suna, Gaara either does not see the team at all or shortly after he does he encounters the Hyuga on a mission outside. If he wasn’t so sure Neji disliked him greatly, he would have thought the boy sought him out on purpose.
The gazes from those icy orbs that shine like the moon never disappear.
-:-:-
They do lose their anger, however. Gaara is unsure when, exactly, this change occurs but he notices it after about six months since the invasion – the eleventh time they’ve crossed paths.
The suspicion stays.
-:-:-
It takes another year for the suspicion to vanish completely, and they don’t encounter each other as often anymore. Maybe it was the Hyuga who had ensured to always have an eye on Gaara. And now that the suspicion is no longer present in those crystal eyes, he does not need to be there every time.
Why is it that he feels lonelier now?
-:-:-
The first smile Gaara receives from the elegant boy happens exactly one year, eight months and twenty-three days after the invasion.
It’s a small, reserved thing, and it suits the quiet boy perfectly. It’s not even directed at Gaara, not really – it’s more like Gaara is allowed to be a silent observer while Neji smiles amused at one of Lee’s antics. And when his eyes meet those moon-like orbs and the smile does not vanish but brightens a little instead? Well, that’s for Gaara, and Neji, to know and no one else.
Neji’s gaze on Gaara does not disappear but grows more neutral – dare he say friendly, even.
-:-:-
Gaara is made Kazekage, and to amend for their part in Konoha’s destruction almost two years ago, he signs a treaty that benefits both but mostly Konoha. He sends his sister Temari as the liaison to Konoha every month to work on their politics as a sign of his trust. They send him Neji Hyuga in return.
-:-:-
Neji’s inn is one of the highest buildings in Sunagakure. Therefore, it is no wonder Gaara finds himself on top of its roof at night. He would have been here whether the Hyuga was visiting or not, he’s sure.
It does not take long for the Hyuga to appear behind him. Even though still only a Genin, the prodigy is called so for a reason, and his skills outshine even most Chunin already.
“Kazekage-sama”, he greets.
Gaara turns to meet his eyes. “It’s still Gaara. Just Gaara.”
Neji inclines his head respectfully and greets again: “Gaara.”
He cannot hide his smile, however small. Or maybe, it’s just that he can’t hide it from Gaara.
Oh, Gaara thinks with a start and stalks forward, not outwardly showing what he has just realized. He steadily decreases the distance to the elegant brunette and stops inches away from him. The redhead stares into those beautiful milky eyes, and he says, “You’ve never stopped watching me.”
Neji meets his gaze. He has to look down due to his height advantage but for the first time, Gaara is not annoyed at his comparable short stature. “No”, he answers, “but neither have you.”
Oh, Gaara thinks again and he reaches forward without breaking eye contact. He palms Neji’s cheek tentatively, unsure but Neji does not flinch nor does he look away. The redhead puts more pressure in his digits that wind around the taller boy's neck, trying to convey what he wants. Neji understands as he leans forwards and their lips meet in a chaste kiss.
Jasmine, Gaara thinks, and rain and spring breezes and- and a little of Suna’s speciality curry rice.
-:-:-
A month later, Gaara finds himself on the same roof again. He looks out at the night sky, the blindingly bright stars, and the full moon. Just like his eyes…
“Kazekage-sama”, Neji greets him again.
And again, Gaara turns around and answers: “Just Gaara.”
This time, however, it is the brunette who closes the distance and embraces Gaara first. “Gaara”, he says before he connects their lips again for a small kiss, “I’ve missed you.”
-:-:-
They continue in a similar fashion for the coming months – chaste kisses and embraces, light conversation, comfort.
Then, the Chunin exams come and go, and Neji saves Gaara’s life during the second round, and before the brunette leaves for his home, he finds the redhead to ensure he’s okay. Gaara tells him to spend the night. He does not decline.
-:-:-
They don’t speak about feelings and emotions; they don’t say the three words that linger in the air between them. Shinobi mustn’t feel emotions but they both know it’s there.
And that is enough.
-:-:-
Another month comes and goes and Gaara finds himself on the same roof again. He senses the presence of someone else but he does not ready himself for a fight. He knows who it is.
“Gaara”, Neji greets him and Gaara knows something is wrong.
“Gaara”, Neji says again and even though his voice would seem neutral and emotionless to anyone else, Gaara can hear the sadness, the hesitance.
He turns around and he knows he can’t do anything to fix this. He stays quiet.
Sensing that the redhead won’t respond, Neji continues: “Tsunade-sama did not make me Chunin, she made me a Jonin instead.” But it does not sound like a good thing.
“I am a legal adult now.” And that sounds even worse.
“The clan elders have found me a suitable match”, he says and Gaara knows, “I’m engaged.”
-:-:-
The months come and go, and Neji Hyuga visits Sunagakure each month for three days as is his duty. Gaara is not found on the inn’s roof at night. They manage.
-:-:-
Shinobi should not feel emotions for they are what weaken the mind. So it is in the midst of the night, only when everyone else is asleep, that the Kazekage allows himself to feel the pain in his chest, the needles in his heart, and the longing and he lets himself cry.
It does not suddenly vanish like the suspicion did from Neji’s beautiful eyes.
The sand in Suna stirs even though it is a breezeless night.
-:-:-
Gaara kind of dies but he wakes up again. The Akatsuki declare war. All five villages rally together to fight the new threat, and the Kazekage does not have time to give thought to his broken heart.
-:-:-
In the morning when it all begins, Neji finds him. He presses their lips together, passionate, desperate, asking for forgiveness. Gaara does not find it in himself to deny the brunette. The knot in his chest loosens at the familiar taste of jasmine and green tea and rain and spring and-
“I love you”, Neji says and wraps the redhead's fingers around a small object, “a promise, for later.”
Neji disappears within his platoon to ready for the war, and Gaara prepares himself for the speech he has to give.
A smile graces his lips as he tucks the intricately patterned ring into his weapons pouch.
-:-:-
The war is bloody, dirty, and seemingly hopeless. It stretches for days over days, weeks, and the constant fighting, the constant awareness of everything, the suppressed grief for fallen comrades leaves Gaara utterly exhausted.
But he fights on and stays strong, for he must lead his army, his comrades and his friends.
And then, Madara Uchiha appears. Gaara almost dies, again. His last thought before he loses consciousness is filled with moons and jasmine and spring breezes and silky brown hair.
-:-:-
Gaara wakes up and somehow, the war is won. The redhead is unsure of how, exactly, this came to be but it has something to do with Naruto and Sasuke and… a rabbit goddess? Gaara does not let his confusion show when he gets debriefed.
The Kazekage is swept up in afterwar efforts – counting the losses, planning funerals, rebuilding Suna, and restructuring how the Shinobi world works in a world of peace. For weeks, Gaara has no time to himself.
-:-:-
Gaara finds himself in Konoha as soon as his schedule allows. He wants to see him, no, he has to see Neji for himself and count his heartbeats and look at his chest rising and falling in the beautiful rhythm of life-
The reunion is not full of tears and hugs and whispered promises and desperate kisses like the redhead had imagined. Instead, Gaara finds himself at a loss of words as he stares down at-
Traces the kanji on-
Gaara is quiet.
Neji is too, but really, what could he possibly say?
The dead don’t speak, after all.
-:-:-
Neji Hyuga is engraved in elegant script on a black stone, beloved hero, friend, and protector.
White lilies lie around the well-kept headstone, and five offerings of fruit surround the burning incense in the middle of the grave.
It smells nothing like jasmine, rain, or spring breezes.
It smells of injustice, of guilt, grief and pain and too little time and unfairness and-
It’s wrong.
Wrong wrong wrong wrong wro-
-:-:-
Gaara does not know how long he stays there, staring, unbelieving. He thinks the sun rises multiple times but he doesn’t really notice.
He does not care.
-:-:-
A hand lands on his shoulder, softly.
He really is out of it if he did not sense anyone's approach. Gaara recognizes the chakra but he can’t place it. He can’t concentrate enough to identify it. Instead, the contact brings him back to the present and he leaves the blissful numbness he had before.
The grief crashes into him and he isn’t nearly prepared enough to take it. He falls into himself and a sob rocks his frail frame. His sand escapes the confines of the gourd he’d forgotten he has with him. It whirls around him in a small storm, growing more erratic as his emotions run wild. The familiar presence who may be his sister or Naruto or Lee is pushed away as his sand embraces him in a mockery of a hug.
It's not enough.
The sand that has collected in the graveyard over the years stirs. It stirs and stirs and joins the chaos created by his. Slowly but surely, his sand grinds stone and cement until it too becomes part of his storm that reflects the loss he feels.
Neji’s gone. He’s gone, he’s gone, and Gaara hadn’t had a chance to-
To tell him, yes, me too! I lov-
The lonely redhead wraps his arms around himself as he stands alone in what used to be a graveyard and tears stream down his usually stoic face.
It’s not nearly enough.
He screams.
-:-:-
The Kazekage lost his demon eight months and three days ago, on the day he first died.
Today, the world learns that he does not need Shukaku to tear viscously into a village.
-:-:-
Shinobi shall not feel emotion.
It’s not because of weakness even though that’s the reason everybody is told.
No.
Chakra is the combination of physical and mental energy so it is strengthened by pain and hate and love and loss. But if emotions grow too strong they overwhelm the rational mind.
A strong shinobi with more energy than they know how to use and no rational mind is the most dangerous second only to the rage of a Bijuu. They grow uncontrollable while their chakra runs wild and rages and destroys.
The Shinobi is consumed by their emotion and, once too far, they can only be brought from their path of destruction by the ultimate end.
The Uchiha are a prime example of this phenomenon.
Today, the fifth Kazekage joins the cautionary tale as his grief-ridden storm destroys a village he’d come to love until, finally, he meets his end at the hand of his very first friend.
-:-:-
In the epicentre of the destruction stays a single headstone, untouched.
Neji Hyuga is engraved in elegant script, beloved hero, friend, and protector.
My love.