Chapter Text
Rei saw Kazuki in the face of that dying man.
He wore that same expression Kazuki did when he watched Miri sleep or when he looked at that picture taped to his computer.
Serene.
That was the look on his mentor´s face that had somehow morphed into Kazuki´s as Rei watched him fall to his death.
The initial shock was so quickly overtaken by acceptance that Rei would have missed it completely if he hadn't been so fear stricken.
“I'm on my way”, he said as he closed his eyes. A smile on his lips.
Rei shivers at the thought.
The air on the dock was cold he realized with a slight breeze passing through his hair. He had forgotten where he was.
He had never really acknowledged the feeling before, of feeling cold. The weather outside or the temperature in a room was always what it was and that was that.
But tonight the wind felt like a constant draft through the shitty windows of the shitty house that was Suwa Rei.
His hands are cold.
He had gotten used to them being warm.
The only thing guaranteed in the life of an assassin was death. Be it their own or the death of another, death was the one and only constant in Rei's life.
Betraying the organization was only speeding up the inevitable. Yet despite this truth having been ingrained into Rei's head before he could even hold a gun properly, he isn't sure if had made his own reconciliation with death.
He had never thought about it.
If it was going to happen anyways, it didn't seem to matter to him whether he accepted it or not.
But knowing you could die at any moment, not caring if you died, and wanting to be dead, were three very different things.
He only realized that now, but it was too late. He was always realizing things too late.
The extension of a hand too late, a sign of hesitation. A display of weakness towards the man who taught Rei everything he knew about the job.
And there had been a similar display of cowardice the night they met Miri, Rei's gun aimed at her chest without hesitation or mercy.
Thoughtless. Careless. Stupid.
He blanches at the memory, his blatant disregard in that moment making him place a hand over his mouth in disgust.
He needs a fucking cigarette. He reaches inside his suit jacket for his pack but there is nothing there.
He forgot didn't smoke anymore.
A part of Rei always knew Kazuki would never allow such a thing but still Rei asked and obediently waited for his instructions.
He needed Kazuki to tell him what to do.
It was an integral part of their work ethic: Kazuki made the plan and Rei executed the plan. And that night saving Miri´s life was just an extension of Kazuki´s plan.
Taking Miri into his home was something he did for Kazuki, reluctantly, but he did it for him.
He would do anything for Kazuki and somewhere along the way, he realized he would do anything for Miri too.
It terrified him, this urge to protect this small child that had bursted into their lives with her bright smile and loud laughter and sticky fingers.
Taking care of Miri helped Rei realize that his devotion to Kazuki´s own safety extended beyond just their time on the job. He wanted to take care of Kazuki too.
It was a terrifying thought.
Passing ships blare their horns as they pass the dimly lit dock but Rei can't hear them over the sound of his thundering heartbeat.
He cares about Kazuki and that was going to get Kazuki killed.
The fog continues to roll over the water, seemingly becoming thicker with the thoughts that were gnawing at the back of his head, knocking, banging, screaming for his attention.
It had always been safer not to think. Not thinking had kept him alive this long; locked away from anything that could challenge the very being of his existence: Kill. Obey. Procreate.
He spits on the ground replaying the boss´s words in his head. It doesn't take away the bad taste that lingers in his mouth.
Rei had always met the boss's expectations, even tonight, especially tonight, despite the guilt that sticks to the back of his throat nearly choking him to death.
How could he claim to protect anyone, when his actions tonight, or lack thereof, proved that he was the same as he always was.
The comfort he had once found in thoughtlessness was putting the people he cared most about in danger.
Miri had run off on her own because he was too stuck in his own head, too stupid to keep his eyes on her for longer than five minutes.
Miri had gotten sick because he was too stupid to put her in proper clothes when it was raining, too stupid to notice her sniffling, too stupid to know that she didn't even go to daycare on Saturday.
And it was his stupidity that had made Kazuki leave.
His mentor was right, he would never change. Rei had followed orders tonight just as he always had.
Not once thinking. Only killing, killing, killing, killing.
The words pound against his skull, he's sure his head will burst from the pressure.
His mind plays an endless slideshow of his victims´ as though he needed another reminder of what he is. He screws his eyes shut to try and stop the snapshots of murder before him, digs his nails into the meat of his thighs from the torment but it doesn't help.
He was going to get Kazuki killed.
A mindless tool.
He was going to get Kazuki killed.
A puppet.
He was going to get Kazuki k—
The sound of a car horn snaps him out of his spiraling.
“Hey Rei!”
Rei turns around and there's Kazuki, waving like an idiot beckoning him to the car.
Rei stares at him blankly, a little unsure of why he's here.
But Kazuki had called him hadn't he. How long had it been since he hung up the phone?
They were quite far from where they lived, unless Kazuki had called when he was already on the way but how had he known where he was and why would he bother trying t-
“Rei,” Kazuki says, suddenly out of the car and crouching in front of him where he still sits frozen on the dock. Kazuki places his hands atop of Rei's where they lay clutching at his pants.
Rei looks down to where their hands lay connected in his lap. Kazuki´s hands were warm.
The yellow headlights reflect the gold of Kazuki´s hair giving him a halo of light that Rei can´t look away from.
Kazuki smiles softly at him and Rei swears the warmth of it burns.
Rei had forgotten how cold he had been only a moment ago.
“Let's go home”.