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“let’s not tell anyone.”
dokyeom almost wanted to pretend he was still asleep. the sun was streaming in through the slit in his curtains and joshua was a marble statue sitting on the edge of the bed.
he didn’t mean to hurt, he never did. he was his best friend, which is probably why the words stung more than they should’ve.
his bare back was beautiful, lines of muscles, strong and svelte. he bent over and grabbed his shirt. he turned, holding it in his hands.
a beautiful smile. “you’re okay with that right?”
“mhm.”
it was as much as he could manage. joshua’s smile grew, getting even prettier.
he came over and kissed him on the forehead. “i’ll see you tonight.”
tonight was minghao and mingyu’s rehearsal dinner. it was at the plaza at 8 and they were all attending.
“yep, see you then.” dokyeom smiled.
that’s when shua finally grabbed the rest of his clothes and walked out of the bedroom. as if he’d been waiting for that smile to release him.
dokyeom turned and stared at his ceiling. there was a stinging sensation at the back of his eyelids that he was resolutely pretending didn’t exist.
he understood why joshua wanted it this way. the wedding was in a couple of days, they had a small but extremely close group of friends and the timing was just awful.
plus, they couldn’t exactly tell them a meet cute story.
joshua has been his best friend since they were introduced by jeonghan on his first day of university. jeonghan and joshua were already in their final year, dokyeom had been shy and skittish and fascinated with the way joshua’s eyes turned into crescents when he smiled.
as the years passed they’d only gotten closer. jeonghan had even pouted that shua had replaced him, but everyone knew he was only kidding. it was just the kind of jeonghan thing to say.
so it was more than a little awkward that after eight years of being friends, they’d gotten drunk enough at the bachelor party to find themselves in bed, moaning into each other’s mouths.
the sound of the front door closing shut broke him out of his reveries, with a frustrated groan, dokyeom pulled the covers back over his head.
♡
leaning on joshua was easy. he was open and friendly. so, so warm.
dokyeom found himself gravitating towards him. going over to his dorm room after his first finals, complaining to him about bad dates over beer at the lone bar on campus. joshua was a great listener, even better than jeonghan.
he always knew the exact right thing to say, his laugh seemed to heal something in dokyeom. settle his worries, a balm to his anxiety.
when joshua graduated, dokyeom had gotten drunk and sobbed at the graduation party. shua, drunk himself, was the one who held his hair back as he heaved into jihoon’s toilet.
after cleaning him up, he’d sat by the air mattress they’d deposited dokyeom on.
“i’m going to stay in the city, min-ah.”
dokyeom, a little more sober now, nearly blushed at the nickname. only a few people knew his birth name. joshua seemed to hold off on using it, saving it for moments like these.
moments when dokyeom needed to hear it most.
“you can always call me, text me.”
“you don’t even read your texts.”
he had laughed that beautiful laugh of his then. “i’ll answer yours. only yours, promise.”
“really? promise?” dokyeom didn’t care that he was pouting, that he was acting like a child.
“promise.” shua had grabbed his hand and crossed their pinkies together.
♡
“iced matcha with vanilla cold foam for celine.” dokyeom handed over the drink with his usual smile.
the girl took it from him with pink cheeks and left a ten dollar bill in the tip jar.
“you should get that smile insured.” seungkwan smirked as he watched the exchange from the counter.
dokyeom shrugged off the compliment and began making the next drink. the job at the cafe was supposed to be a temporary thing, something he decided to do between jobs to get a break from the stressful IT field. except it’s been 6 months already and he secretly loved it.
today it helped him take his mind off of everything that had happened last night.
he thought he was doing a great job of not driving himself insane remembering cold hands sliding up his shirt when he was pulled into the break room by a determined seungkwan.
“spill.”
“i don’t know what you’re-“
“you’re good but i’ve gotten to know you better than that. what’s going on?” seungkwan was sipping on his usual cold brew.
dokyeom wondered if it was the ridiculous amount of caffeine that helped him notice the tiniest things.
“i…joshua and i…” he cleared his throat as he watched seungkwan’s eyes widen. “we hooked up last night.”
“oh my god! oh my god” seungkwan hopped in place. “i knew it! i so knew it!”
dokyeom’s brows furrowed. “what do you mean you knew it?!”
“oh come on dk, the way he looks at you says everything.”
immediately he flustered. “he doesn’t…”
dokyeom felt red creep up his neck as he remembered the time some of them had all hung out at the cafe together under seungkwan’s watchful gaze.
“who’s the prettiest?” seungcheol had asked lazily, not even caring about the answer.
“obviously me,” minghao had preened.
seungcheol was already looking over at jeonghan while the others squabbled at minghao’s self love.
“what about you shua? who do you think is the prettiest?” soonyoung had asked laughingly.
“dokyeom.”
everyone had paused for a second. his answer had been so quick, so sure. the rest of them had looked on between a stunned dokyeom and joshua, who wasn’t even looking up from his phone.
he had glanced up when he clocked the silence, brow raised. “what? what did i say?”
“nothing nothing. so who wants to go skating tonight,” jeonghan had easily changed the subject, letting everyone adjust.
dokyeom hadn’t said a word for the rest of the afternoon.
“hello? earth to dokyeom?”
dokyeom blinked away the memory and smiled sheepishly at seungkwan’s stink face. “it’s nothing…you know…casual.”
“breezy. of course, that’s how it always starts.” seungkwan often sounded like he was older than his age.
dokyeom was very fond of the college student.
“i don’t know man, he always seemed really into you. almost as much as you are into him,” this was said with a wink before seungkwan tapped his shoulder and left the room.
leaving dokyeom to sit with everything on his own, mind imploding on itself.
♡
“no it’s insane because i really did feel like i was in a movie, my toes curled and everything,” minghao said, wine glass aloft.
jeonghan smiled and raised his own glass. “cheers to that. the first time seungcheol kissed me, i thought i was going to melt right into the pavement.”
dokyeom focused on cutting into his steak. the four of them had come out to a new steakhouse joshua wanted to try. the food was great, the wine sweet and the conversation on the verge of inappropriate.
now that minghao and dokyeom had found somewhat well paying jobs after graduating, they could afford to come out to a nice dinner like this with the two fancy lawyers.
jeonghan was tipsy, cheeks flushed, he would’ve never admitted something like that out loud if sober. he held the secrets of his relationship close to his chest.
shua watched them with that soft smile of his. minghao and jeonghan stayed on the topic for a little longer, talking about earth shattering orgasms and kisses that took days to forget.
dokyeom didn’t say anything until they were a block away from his apartment. it was just joshua and him, walking home together since they lived only a couple blocks apart.
“i’ve never experienced anything like that,” he lamented.
new york was bustling around them as usual, the streets crowded and noisy even though it was nearing midnight.
“hmm? like what?”
“an intense kiss, have my toes curl from it. i’m about to turn twenty four this year and i haven’t yet. i don’t think i ever will.”
“you don’t know that.”
“i do though,” he whined, grabbing shua’s jacket as if to make him understand the urgency of it. “no one’s kissed me like they really meant it.”
joshua chuckled lowly, but he didn’t respond. not until they had reached the stairs that led up to dokyeom’s brownstone.
he looked up at dokyeom, a twinkle in his eye and the left corner of his mouth tipped up. he looked ridiculously handsome under the low light of the street lamps, a lock of hair falling into his eyes.
“min-ah.”
“jisoo-yah,” dokyeom giggled to hide his nervousness. shua was looking at him with an intensity he wasn’t used to.
they were also standing closer than what would be considered within the limits of friendship.
the night air was cold and the touch of joshua’s hand on his neck was burning hot.
“you can stop me if you don’t want this.” joshua murmured when he was a hair’s breath away.
dokyeom didn’t think twice before closing the distance, his hands fisting in joshua’s shirt at the first probe of tongue.
he could feel shua smile against his lips and it made his blood sing. he tasted like red wine, sweet and bitter. he held onto dokyeom’s jaw the entire time, fingers splayed out against his cheeks.
heat singed his skin, he felt like he was drowning in the kiss. when shua pulled away, his hair was disheveled and his cheeks were flushed red.
before dokyeom could get his bearings, joshua leaned in again. this time for the softest peck. he rested his forehead against dokyeom’s as they got their breathing under control.
“wha- what… why?” he whispered, confused and aroused and a little more confused.
“i meant that. i meant every bit of it. that’s what you deserve.”
dokyeom’s eyes fluttered close. when he opened them a second later, joshua was regarding him with a slight frown.
“did i…overstep?”
“no. no uh, um thank you.” dokyeom didn’t know what else to say. there were questions bubbling up, wanting to escape his lips but he held them in.
this was his best friend doing him a favor. for six years now joshua has been the person who has never let him down. he would get him pizza at 3am if he had the munchies and help him with his calculus paper even though it’s been years since he’d done his last.
he was giving him another gift, an experience he had never had until this very moment. a perfect kiss on a random night in the middle of november. a toe curling, breath stealing kiss just like he’d always wanted.
they stood like that for a few more moments. the air between them somehow tense and relaxed at the same time, as if this was something that wasn’t supposed to happen but would’ve happened eventually.
“i’m gonna go.”
“okay.”
“goodnight kyeom.”
“goodnight. text me when you get home.”
joshua stood on the stairs for a heartbeat longer, before grinning at him and turning away.
dokyeom felt like maybe joshua had wanted to say something just then, but the moment was gone. he waited outside until he couldn’t see him anymore and then went upstairs, a strange and deep ache forming in his chest.
♡
the plaza was opulence personified. minghao’s parents were pulling out all the stops for this wedding.
dokyeom picked up a flute of champagne from a passing waiter and tuned back into the conversation seungcheol and jihoon were having.
“hey guys. shua just texted saying he’ll be a little late, something about a tough client,” jeonghan announced as he joined the group.
dokyeom grinned at how he pulled seungcheol’s hand out of his tux pocket as soon as he was close enough so they could hold hands instead. even as his heart thumped a little pitifully at the fact that shua hadn’t texted him all day.
it was a fun night, minghao was glowing and mingyu was glued to his side, looking just as enamored as he did the first day he’d met him. dokyeom loved love, this made his heart so full, two of his best friends committing themselves to each other.
their group of friends occupied an entire table and there was never a dearth of conversation topics. they were enjoying the second course when jeonghan left his seat by seungcheol to sit on the empty chair to dokyeom’s right.
“you alright? you seem a bit down,” he whispered discretely, somehow maintaining a conversation with soonyoung on the other side.
“no i’m okay. just a little hungover from last night,” dokyeom lied, hoping his smile seemed genuine enough.
jeonghan didn’t buy it for a second. he narrowed his eyes at him. “is it shua?”
dokyeom immediately took a sip of his wine instead of answering and that’s all jeonghan needed to confirm his hunch.
“oh for christs sake, will you just tell him already?”
“no! it’s nothing, trust me.” dokyeom was about to explain more when the man himself came over to the table, looking frazzled.
he was still in his work clothes, a pressed blue shirt, now slightly rumpled, and a grey tie that had loosened at the collar.
“i almost wasn’t allowed in without a suit,” he complained as he sank into the empty chair by seungcheol. “pass me a glass of wine, i’ve had a clusterfuck of a day.”
dokyeom felt his heart jump out of his chest when he finally met his eyes. but joshua only smiled that stupidly pretty smile of his.
dokyeom returned it even though he suddenly felt very alone. in a crowded room and worried about something silly all by himself.
just then a warm hand touched his knee under the table. jeonghan gave it a little squeeze. “hey, you guys will work it out, whatever it is.”
dokyeom took jeonghan’s hand and laced their fingers together. “thank you.”
jeonghan had figured it out a few years ago and was always pushing him to confess. “you don’t know that it’ll end badly,” he’d implore.
but it fell on deaf and stubborn ears. dokyeom did know, people broke up all the time, there’s no guarantee they’d make it work.
even if he wanted it to work, wanted them to work, desperately on some nights. he’s been in love with this man for almost all the years he’s known him.
joshua was so easy to love.
the rehearsal dinner went off without a hitch. the food was delicious and the toasts were heartfelt. dokyeom had cried all throughout the speeches, getting teased relentlessly for it the whole time.
he hugged minghao and mingyu goodbye and waved to his other friends before grabbing his coat and walking into the brisk december air. there were christmas decorations put up everywhere, fairy lights and tinsel that instantly lifted your mood.
this was his favorite time of the year. he was waiting for a cab when he heard his name being called out.
he froze, shoulders tensing.
“wanna split a cab?” shua asked as he came to stand next to him.
“sure.”
“you’ve been avoiding me.”
dokyeom scoffed at that. “no you’ve been avoiding me.”
“i was swamped today i…”
“you could’ve texted me that you’d be late.” dokyeom hated that he was being petulant.
he was supposed to be breezy. friends hooked up all the time, it was nothing, just another one night stand.
joshua looked guilty. “yeah…yeah i guess you’re right.”
a cab passed by and neither of them hailed it down.
dokyeom shivered, he’d grabbed the wrong coat while rushing out of his apartment and it was freezing tonight. he wasn’t surprised at all when shua stepped closer, when he took off his own scarf and wrapped it around his neck.
he didn’t let go of the ends of the scarf, they just stood there, not speaking.
“maybe…maybe last night wasn’t…”
dokyeom could almost hear him trying to phrase it in the best way. he shook his head infinitesimally, he didn’t need to hear it. he knew.
last night was a mistake.
he stepped away first, causing joshua to let go of the scarf. his face looked hurt and dokyeom hated to be the cause of it.
“yeah. you’re right. let’s just pretend it didn’t happen.”
“that’s not what i-“
“no it’s for the best. really, i thought it through today and it’s the best thing we can do right now before we make things worse.”
“min-ah.”
dokyeom turned away, he hated how earnest joshua always looked. “i’ll see you at the wedding. text me when you get home.”
“let me take you home at least.” shua stepped forward, holding a hand out.
“no it’s fine. i’ll walk.” he was already backing away, he made himself smile at joshua one last time before turning and walking quickly down the street.
he had to dig his nails into his palm to keep himself from turning back. he didn’t want to see if shua had turned away too.
♡
the first time dokyeom realized he was in love with his best friend, joshua was snoring. he was splayed out on the waiting room chair, he had a zit on his chin and his hair was too long.
dokyeom had stared and stared, his blood was pounding.
it was funny, his friends had been teasing him since the first time he had hung out with joshua, saying he had “heart eyes” whenever he was around the senior.
dokyeom had shrugged it off. sure joshua was gorgeous, he was on the track team and studying law and everyone had a crush on him. dokyeom wasn’t blind, he knew his friend was handsome, he knew he had a mole on his stomach and he knew he was afraid of heights.
it was funny that the day he finally admitted his feelings towards his best friend was the day his mother was rushed to the hospital.
dokyeom was in his final year of university, he was actually heading out of his last class before summer break when he got the call. he’d left a tearful message to joshua’s voicemail as he sat in the cab on the way to the hospital.
the doctor’s assured him his mother would be fine, still, as he sat in the waiting room fear clawed up his throat, choking him. his father was inside with her, they only allowed a single visitor at a time.
he wanted to scream and sob. he was terrified and his sister was in texas and he felt so alone. he had to fill out paperwork and look through their insurance policies to figure out if this would bankrupt their family. he didn’t have the luxury of crying when he had so much to do.
he wished joshua could be there with him, but he had left only a couple of days ago for a bachelor party out in the berkshires. jeonghan had called and told him he’d be over right after he was done in court for the day.
so he was struck speechless when a person skidded over to a stop in front of him a few hours later.
joshua was breathless, frantic and relieved. “this place is so damn confusing. thank god i found you.”
dokyeom stared up at him dumbly, not being able to process his presence.
“sorry it took a little longer, the traffic was crazy once we got into the city. how is she?”
“how…what?”
“how is mrs lee doing? how are you holding up?” joshua sat down and grabbed his hands, warming them up.
“how did you get here?”
“i got a ride. why are you acting so strange?” joshua looked genuinely perplexed.
dokyeom let out an incredulous laugh. the berkshires were over a 3 hour drive away, not to mention he’d been there for one of his closest friend’s bachelor party.
unable to explain, he sank into joshua’s arms. “i don’t know. they say she’ll be fine but i don’t know.”
as joshua murmured placations and rubbed his hands up and down his back, dokyeom finally let himself break down. he sobbed into the embrace holding him up, letting shua comfort him and assure him everything would be fine.
hours later, after mrs lee was wheeled into the operation room, dokyeom had nothing left to do except wait. after a dinner of vending machine snacks and lukewarm coffee, he sat in the waiting room and stared at his best friend.
joshua had already met and consoled his father, even spoke to his sister on the phone to assure her that he’d take care of the insurance paperwork. then he hand fed dokyeom a sandwich he didn’t want to eat before finally succumbing to his exhaustion and taking a nap, sitting upright on the steel waiting room chair.
dokyeom tried to take his mind off his mother, only to find it full of the man sitting across from him. face slack in sleep but still so beautiful.
he could never tell him, there’s no way he’d let himself lose joshua. relationships ended all the time. the risk was too big, the loss would be too great.
no he wouldn’t tell him. in his heart of hearts he’d already known and kept this secret for the last 3 years, what’s a few more.
a few weeks later when his mother was recovering at home and joshua had personally come down to tell them their payments were in order with the hospital and they had nothing to worry, dokyeom had pulled him into his childhood bedroom.
shua looked confused at his strange behavior, dokyeom couldn’t blame him. he pulled him into a tight, tight hug.
joshua hugged back, chuckling. “what’s gotten into you?”
“thank you. i don’t know how i’ll ever…” dokyeom spoke the words into the warmth of his neck. “thank you.”
“you don’t have to thank me. there’s nothing i wouldn’t do for you.”
when they broke apart after what felt like an eternity, they only smiled at each other before heading down for dinner with the family.
♡
dokyeom really loved weddings. he loved the romance of it, the acres of flowers, the all white candles, the soft lighting. a december wedding was possibly the most beautiful of them all, as a gift to the husbands-to-be, the weather was magical.
snow fell in swirls outside the plaza, a picture perfect white wedding.
dokyeom walked out from the main hall to the courtyard where they’ll have the reception. it was still being decorated but he could already see it was going to be incredible when everything was in place and night fell.
he wasn’t in the wedding party, they’d decided it’d be too unfair to pick amongst the group and having the entire group would be far too many. they’d only sulked at the couple for a few weeks before letting it slide.
minghao had picked his childhood friend from when he still lived in china as his best man, a wen junhui they had all met for the first time today.
mingyu’s best man was his best friend wonwoo, someone the group knew from when he would come for mingyu’s birthday celebrations.
the two best men were off to the side comparing notes for their toasts later, heads bent together and deep in discussion.
“they look good together,” jeonghan commented as he joined dokyeom.
“right? there’s definitely something there. i actually saw wonwoo blushing earlier, never thought i’d see the sight.” dokyeom gushed, taking the champagne glass jeonghan offered.
they sipped on the champagne as they wandered back into the main hall.
“so how are things with you and shua?” jeonghan tried for nonchalance and failed.
dokyeom grinned. usually jeonghan was more the type to wait for people to come to him if they needed to, the fact that he was probing so directly must mean joshua had gotten to him first.
“what did he tell you?”
“that he fucked up.”
dokyeom nodded, taking a sip to give him some strength. it hurt like hell to be thought of as a mistake.
“you guys need to talk. he just doesn’t know-“
“i can't lose him. i won’t lose him, not over this,” dokyeom clocked joshua walking into the venue with seungcheol.
“kyeom…”
“i promise you i’m okay.” dokyeom gave him his brightest smile before leaving him to find his seat.
through sheer luck, there were four of their friends seated between them, so dokyeom didn’t have to talk to shua at all. instead, he sat and thought about all the years they’d been through.
joshua was the first person he called with news, good or bad. he was the only one who understood him without him having to explain, the person who got him his favorite snacks and tended to his wounds, physical or emotional.
he made him laugh, and he’d always laugh at every single one of dokyeom’s silly jokes.
by the time minghao and mingyu exchanged vows, his eyes were misty for more than one reason.
“you’re always looking at him.”
dokyeom jumped a little as seungcheol came up behind him. the reception was in full swing now. the ceremony had been beautiful, the vows heartfelt, their officiant making warm jokes.
they’d moved to the courtyard after the groom’s first official kiss. the toasts at dinner were hilarious and touching. junhui had found difficulty with pronouncing some of the bigger words in english and wonwoo, who was seated beside him, stood up to whisper the pronunciation in his ears.
that had gotten its own round of applause.
now all the serious moments were over and everyone was happily drunk or getting there. the dj was playing crowd favorites and the dance floor was full of people.
“i don’t know what you mean.”
“every time you think you won’t be caught you’re watching him.” seungcheol sipped his whiskey as he looked out onto the dance floor.
joshua had recently dyed his hair blonde. it was a bright contrast to his all black suit. he looked gorgeous, laughing as he danced with jeonghan.
“i’m rooting for you two.”
“not everyone can have the happiest relationship ever like jeonghan and you,” dokyeom retorted, no bite to his voice.
“i know, we’re just so amazing,” he dodged dokyeom’s elbow and chuckled. “you’d be surprised dk, that’s all i’m saying.”
dokyeom mulled over his words, he felt like jeonghan and seungcheol were trying to tell him something and he was refusing to understand. why would shua’s two closest friends push him to pursue something with him if they didn’t know something he didn’t.
“you know what i realized today?”
“hmm?”
“i need him in my life,” dokyeom finished his drink and put it away. “it doesn’t matter in what way, as long as he’s in it, that’s enough for me.”
“i get that.” seungcheol was always the most solid presence, he put his arm around dokyeom’s shoulder, everyone’s dedicated older brother. “come on, let’s show those two how it’s done.”
when they joined joshua and jeonghan, shua immediately took dokyeom’s hand in his. his brow was raised in his question, but his smile was as warm as ever.
dokyeom squeezed his hand, grinning back. he blinked his eyes twice, a sign they’d come up with a long time ago.
two blinks meant they were okay.
the music stopped and the dj took to the mic. “and now ladies and gentlemen, it’s my great honor to introduce for the first time, mr and mr kim. let me hear you cheer for the new husbands!”
minghao and mingyu came skipping in, hand in hand, they looked so happy. the dj played their favorite song as they got to the center of the dance floor.
dokyeom and joshua went forward along with the rest of their friend group, until they’d made a small circle with the husbands at the center.
as cliche as it was, ed sheeran’s perfect was specially requested by mingyu.
they all cheered and clapped as mingyu twirled hao before tipping him over.
with all their friends focused on the newlyweds, no one noticed joshua taking dokyeom’s hand.
“will you give me this dance?” he asked, eyes turning into crescents and nose scrunching as he smiled wide.
“of course.”
under the fairy lights hanging over them, as perfect crescendoed to its chorus, dokyeom let shua spin him around before he twirled him in return. they laughed as they danced, in their own little world.
yes, dokyeom thought to himself, this would be enough for now.