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“Mommy, are you coming with us to the Farmer’s Market?” Jace asks.
Harwin looks up from where he’s strapping Joffrey into his carseat. Rhaenyra normally sleeps in on Saturdays, and indeed, she’s clearly only just rolled out of bed, still wearing his old Alys in Chains t-shirt she uses for a nightie.
“You have to put on pants to go to the Farmer’s Market,” Luke informs her in the tones of one who has learned this lesson the hard way.
“I’m sorry, I can’t; maybe next time.” Rhaenyra pulls Harwin aside, a grim look on her face. “Alicent just called; Dad slipped in the shower, she has to take him to the hospital.”
He opens his mouth to say he’s sorry, but Joffrey shrieks and hurls his pacifier into the front seat. Harwin retrieves it, popping it back in the baby’s mouth.
“Is it serious?” he tries to ask.
“Can we watch Bluey?” Jace shouts.
Joffrey screams and throws his pacifier again.
“I’m not sure,” Rhaenyra says, as though she she can neither see nor hear the proceedings inside of the SUV. “But I want to be there with him; this is the second time he’s taken a fall this year.”
“True.” Harwin squeezes her shoulder. “I’m sorry, honey.”
“Thanks.” She pauses. “I do need to ask a favor.”
“Of course,” he says at once.
She presses her tongue between her teeth. “Otto is out of town this weekend, and I sort of told Alicent you could take the kids…”
Harwin stares at her in disbelief. “But I already have our kids.”
“Yes, I know,” she says, rocking on her heels. “But you’re so good with all the kids, and this is kind of an emergency…”
“I realize that,” he says, “but… six kids, Rhaenyra. I don’t have the resources.”
“First of all, that is not true, I seem to recall you rounding up my entire bachelorette party and bodily carrying me out of the club when we acted up, and little kids are basically just drunk people,” she reminds him. “Second of all, it won’t be for long. I just want to make sure the doctors can see Dad; once he’s in the clear, Alicent and I will come help out, and if it looks like it’s going to take a long time, we’ll call for reinforcements.”
He hesitates, glancing at the SUV, where Luke is holding up a booger for Jace’s inspection. He does some mental math and then sighs. “Okay. I’ll head over there now.”
Rhaenyra smiles, kissing him on the cheek. “Thank you, honey. You’re the best.”
“No problem,” he says, even though he suspects it will, in fact, be a problem. He closes the SUV door after doing one final check on the boys and then gets into the driver’s seat.
Rhaenyra kisses him through the rolled-down window. “I’m sorry about the Farmer’s Market, I know how much you wanted to go. Maybe next week.”
Harwin gives her an offended look. “We are going to the Farmer’s Market.” And with that, he puts the SUV in drive and sets off.
.
Alicent is already buckling Viserys into the front seat of her Mercedes when Harwin pulls up. She closes the door carefully on Viserys, coming around to meet Harwin just as he gets out of the SUV.
“Thanks so much for doing this,” she says gratefully. “You really are a lifesaver.”
His earlier reluctance softens at the sight of Alicent, who, in spite of her usual immaculate appearance, is clearly struggling with the events of the day, and the day has barely begun. “It’s no problem,” he lies again, closing the SUV door just as Jace and Luke begin screaming at each other.
Alicent glances behind him, pursing her lips. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” she asks, hesitating.
“I’ll be fine,” he says, growing more confident in his abilities. “Where are the kids?”
“Inside, watching Cocomelon. I don’t normally condone screens, but under the circumstances…” She watches as Joffrey hurls his pacifier against the windshield, shrieking. “Are you sure you can handle six kids at once, Harwin? I don’t know what Rhaenyra was thinking…”
“She wants to be there with you and Viserys,” he says loyally. “I’ve got this, Alicent. We’re gonna go to the Farmer’s Market.”
Alicent’s eyes snap back to Harwin. “You’re taking six children…under the age of seven…to the Farmer’s Market?” she asks in disbelief.
An intense look comes over Harwin’s face. “It’s the first Farmer’s Market of the year, Alicent. I take this very seriously.”
She purses her lips again. “I mean. If you’re sure.”
“I am very sure. You go take care of Viserys and I’ll see you later.”
She glances back at the Mercedes, where Viserys is wincing against the reclined seat, and sighs. “Alright. Text me if you need anything.” And with that, she gets in the car and pulls out of the driveway, speeding down the lane.
Harwin opens the SUV door long enough to pop Joffrey’s pacifier back in his mouth and blow Luke’s nose before he heads into Alicent and Viserys’s house.
Aegon, Helaena, and Aemond have been plopped down in front of an expensive TV that Harwin knows Alicent doesn’t let them watch because she thinks screens will melt their brains.
They certainly look as though their brains are melting; their mouths and eyes are wide as they stare at the hideous animated baby that has become Harwin’s personal enemy over the last few years.
“Hey, you three,” he says experimentally.
None of them look away from the screen.
He picks up the remote from the marble countertop and turns off the TV. Almost at once, Aegon begins to howl.
Helaena and Aemond turn to regard Harwin with unfocused eyes.
“Good morning,” Harwin says pleasantly. “Has your mother fed you yet?”
Helaena and Aemond continue staring at him.
Aegon leaps to his feet, his little chest heaving with rage. “I want Cocomelon!”
“How about,” Harwin continues in the same pleasant tone, “you get in the car with me, and we’ll get McDonald’s for breakfast?”
Aegon pauses to think. “I can have chicken nuggets and a Sprite?”
“Sure, buddy.”
Aegon bolts past Harwin to the garage.
“We’re not allowed to have processed food, or corn syrup,” Aemond says, suddenly coming to life.
“Normally,” Harwin agrees. “And normally you’re not allowed to watch Cocomelon either, but your mom made an exception today, right?”
Aemond glances at the TV and then looks back at Harwin, his eyes narrowing slightly. “...yes…”
“I’ll get you and Helaena some apple slices,” Harwin promises.
Helaena stands up. “I would like corn syrup,” she says solemnly.
“Kiddo, come with me and you can have all the corn syrup your heart desires.”
.
As they pull into the market parking lot, however, Harwin is starting to regret this rather hasty promise. Helaena seems to be doing fine, but Aegon is fairly vibrating in his carseat. Aemond gives Harwin a See, I told you so look from the backseat that Harwin chooses to ignore.
“Alright,” he says, shutting off the ignition. “Now, here’s what we’re gonna do…”
Fifteen minutes later, they enter the Farmer’s Market, Jace, Luke, Aegon, Helaena, and Aemond wearing harnesses that are leashed to Harwin’s belt and a gurgling baby Joffrey strapped to his chest.
“I’m a dog!” Aegon declares, dropping down on all fours and barking.
“No, you’re not,” Harwin says, keenly aware of the disapproving looks aimed his way.
Unfortunately, Jace and Luke are inspired by the barking and running around on all fours, which they immediately proceed to copy.
“Stop that!”
Joffrey shrieks with laughter.
“This is why Mommy doesn’t let us have corn syrup,” Aemond lectures Harwin, sounding rather supercilious for a preschooler.
Helaena slips her hand into Harwin’s. “May we please look at the tent from the bee farm?” she asks politely, seemingly oblivious to the chaos surrounding her. “I like bees very much.”
He runs his free hand through his hair. “Yeah, of course we can look at the tent with the bees– Jacaerys Lyonel Strong, do not eat food that has been on the ground!”
“But we’re dogs!” Jace protests.
“AWOOOO!” Aegon howls in agreement.
Joffrey screams happily.
Aemond gives Harwin a smug look.
“OKAY,” Harwin says, grasping at straws. “You’re dogs, huh?”
Luke barks affirmatively.
“Well, let’s see how good of dogs you are.”
The three boys go still, watching him with curious excitement. His plan might just work.
“Real dogs are very good sniffers,” he tells them. “They’re good at finding things with their doggie noses. Let’s see if you can find everything on the shopping list.”
Aegon practically falls over himself with ecstasy. “I can,” he insists, wagging his tail-less little bottom. “I can find everything on the list.”
Jace and Luke are equally enthusiastic. “We can, too! We’re real dogs!”
“Okay, then let’s see how you do. And if you find everything in under an hour, I’ll give you a treat,” Harwin invents.
“Real dog treats!” Aegon demands. “Real dog treats for real dogs!”
“Yeah!” Jace and Luke echo. “Real dog treats!”
Harwin glances around the Farmer’s Market, where he’s already attracted more than a few disapproving glares and doesn’t need to attract more by promising dog food to the leashed children. “We’ll, uh. We’ll see.”
“We want–”
“The first item,” Harwin says loudly, “is strawberries.”
The boys bark with delight, scrambling forward on all fours to locate the strawberries.
Harwin’s plan is a success; the three boys have a blast hunting down all the items on the shopping list, and the other three children have an equally enjoyable time watching them scurry around the market on all fours. Harwin has even learned that he can make the boys respond to commands like “sit” and “stay” when they’re getting too rowdy. He only feels a little bad about it.
His shopping completed in record time, he buys all of the kids lemonade and takes Helaena to the bee farm’s tent.
The bee farmers eye Harwin and his pack with understandable suspicion.
“Hello,” Harwin says pleasantly. “I’m Harwin.”
One of the bee farmers scoffs.
“I’m Blood, and this is Cheese,” says the other farmer. “Our pronouns are they/them.”
“Yes, sorry,” Harwin says quickly, “my pronouns are he/him.”
Aegon barks.
“Aegon, sit!” Harwin flashes what he hopes is a winning smile. “So…Cheese, eh? Too bad you didn’t go into the dairy business, right? Hahaha.”
Cheese does not laugh. “That’s incredibly offensive, actually.”
“Right, of course it is,” Harwin agrees hastily.
“Typical cisgender male,” Blood mutters under their breath.
Harwin is at a loss.
“Do you have bees with you now?” Helaena asks, stepping up to the table.
“I don’t think so, sweetie,” Harwin tries to say, but Cheese glares at him.
“Of course we have bees with us,” they say, as though Harwin is a huge idiot for thinking they would go anywhere without their bees. They pull open the back flap of the tent and reveal what looks like a perfectly normal cedar box of drawers, but Harwin can hear it humming loudly.
“Oh!” Helaena’s eyes widen. “May I see?”
Cheese softens. “Sure. If that’s okay with your grownup.” Their eyes narrow at Harwin.
“Sure.” Harwin unclips her from his belt. “Have fun, kiddo.”
Helaena follows Cheese to the beehive, dutifully following their instructions as they open up one of the drawers. Harwin tries to watch, but he hears an irritatingly familiar voice behind him.
“Why do you have all my nephews on leashes?”
He grits his teeth and turns around. “Daemon.”
Daemon looks as though he would be raising an eyebrow at where Luke is trying to scratch his head with his foot, if he had any eyebrows to begin with.
“Team-building exercise,” Harwin says flatly.
Daemon’s eyes wander to Harwin’s. “I see,” he says with a slow smile. He pulls out a pocketknife and starts cleaning his nails.
The boys all stare at Daemon in awe. It annoys Harwin far more than it should. “Can I help you?” he asks the other man rudely.
Daemon’s smile widens. “No, I don’t think you can.” He closes the knife and flips it in the air, making the boys gasp. “I just came to say hello and–”
“Daemon Targaryen?” Blood interrupts.
Daemon winces, dropping the knife. “Ah, fuck. I should’ve known when I saw the bees.”
Blood folds their arms over their chest, face red with anger. “You have a lot of nerve, showing up here after what you pulled!”
Daemon points an accusing finger. “The post you put up about me was completely unnecessary and I think you know that!”
“The King’s Landing Queer Housing Facebook Group deserves to know that there is a cop landlord in their midst!” Blood cries fiercely.
“Former cop landlord,” Daemon corrects. “And I’ve been banned from that group because of you!”
“Good! Your pet fees were criminal!” Seeing the confusion on Harwin’s face, Blood explains, “When he found out Cheese and me were keeping bees, he tried to charge us a two hundred dollar pet fee.”
“Oh,” Harwin says uncertainly. “Well, I suppose…”
“Per bee.”
Harwin whips his head to look at Daemon. “That’s criminal.”
“It’s perfectly legal,” Daemon defends. “A bee is an animal. Therefore–”
“Therefore, we exposed him for the capitalist cog in the machine he is!” Blood declares passionately. They raise their voice. “Cheese, guess who’s in our tent?”
“Who?” Cheese calls from the other side of the canvas.
“Daemon Targaryen!”
There’s a pause, and then Cheese lifts the flap of the tent, a thunderous look on their face. Harwin can’t help but notice that one of the drawers of the beehive is open, emanating a low humming sound.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve showing your face here, Daemon,” Cheese says. It may just be Harwin’s imagination, but the humming in the beehive seems to grow louder.
“It was quite by accident, I assure you,” Daemon says, casting an unimpressed look over the tent. “I only came to say hello to my nephews.”
“You’re related?” Blood asks, looking between Daemon and Harwin.
“In-laws,” they say at the same time, equally quick to dispel the notion that they share blood.
“I think you should leave, Daemon,” Cheese says.
The buzzing from the hive is almost deafening now. The bees, which were previously drifting to and from the hive in a cheerful search for pollen, now begin to circle the hive with what Harwin is almost sure is aggression.
“Helaena,” he says quietly. “Come here, please.”
She looks up at the bees, then at Harwin, and slowly inches forward.
“Or what?” Daemon is jeering at Blood and Cheese. “You’ll write another call-out post about me? This is public property, so I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do.”
Helaena slips her hand into Harwin’s at the exact moment Cheese flings open the other drawers in the hive.
“RUN!” Harwin yells, pulling Helaena and as many of the leashes as he can as he tears out of the tent. He and the kids run as fast as they can, Aegon, Jace, and Luke yipping and baying, Joffrey shrieking with delight, as the swarm of Blood and Cheese’s bees descend on Daemon.
A cry goes up in the Farmer’s Market and people in the surrounding area make a run for it, overturning stalls and sending fruit and vegetables scattering in their haste to escape the bees. Harwin and the kids keep running until they’ve reached the parking lot, breathing hard.
“Did anyone get stung?” Harwin asks, patting himself down for stray bees.
“No,” everyone answers, except Luke, who’s squatting down and examining something, his back to Harwin.
“Luke, what do you have there?”
Luke turns around. “A knife!”
“NO!”
Harwin swipes for the pocketknife that Luke stole from Daemon, but Luke rolls out of the way, still gripping the knife.
“Luke! Give me that knife right now!”
“No! Finders, keepers, losers, weepers!”
Aemond sticks out his foot, sending Luke toppling over. The knife flies out of his hands and skids across the pavement; Aemond bends down to retrieve it, only to have Luke knock him to the ground.
“Hey!” Harwin shouts, trying to pull Luke off of the other boy–no easy task with a baby strapped to his chest and the two boys rolling around on the pavement.
“Get off me!”
“That knife is mine!”
Aegon and Jace bark and growl furiously in the background while Joffrey laughs and claps.
Suddenly, Aemond screams, holding a hand up to his face. Luke draws back, gripping the knife with wide eyes. “Uh-oh.”
Harwin watches as blood seeps out from between Aemond’s fingers. “Luke, what did you do?” he asks in a horrified voice.
“My eye!” Aemond screams. “My eye!”
.
“The good news is that the wound is almost entirely superficial,” the doctor reports as she cleans up the last of Aemond’s stitches. “Half an inch lower and there might have been some serious damage.”
Luke has the good grace to look sheepish. “I didn’t mean to hurt Aemond,” he mumbles.
“What am I always saying about knives?” Harwin asks sternly.
“Guns are for pussies, knives are for men,” Jace recites.
“No, not that,” Harwin says quickly, flushing at a look from the doctor.
“We can have them when we’re older?” Luke tries.
“Don’t play with them,” Harwin says, glancing at the doctor to make sure he’s not going to get reported for child endangerment.
The curtain sweeps aside, revealing Alicent and Rhaenyra.
“Aemond!” Alicent exclaims, rushing to embrace him.
The doctor stands up, setting aside the stool. “I’ll get his discharge paperwork started.” She leaves the curtained-off area, squeezing through the children.
“Are you alright? What happened?” Alicent asks frantically.
Harwin winces, bracing himself for Aemond to rat him out.
Instead, Aemond grins. “I got in a knife fight. It was badass.”
“Aemond!” Alicent whirls around to look at Harwin. “Whose knife was it?!”
“It was Daemon’s,” he says wryly. “He found us at the Farmer’s Market.”
“That’s so weird.” Rhaenyra and Alicent look at each other. “We saw Daemon on our way in here–he’s covered in bee stings.”
Harwin roars with laughter.
“How did Daemon’s knife even manage to…? Never mind.” Alicent turns back to Aemond, petting his hair. “My poor baby! Your eye …”
“I’m sorry, Alicent,” Harwin says, sobering up at once. “I should never have let it happen, I feel terrible…”
“Can Uncle Harwin watch us next week?” Aemond asks his mother.
“Yes, I enjoyed eating corn syrup and going to the Farmer’s Market,” Helaena says gravely.
“Yeah, he said he’d give us dog treats!” Aegon says.
“I did not.”
Alicent purses her lips. “We’ll see.” She stands up. “Viserys will be on bedrest for a while…”
“If it’s any consolation, we’ve all learned our lessons about playing with knives, and I know I’ve learned my lesson about giving Aegon sugar,” Harwin says, watching Aegon roll on the floor.
“Well, if you can avoid another hospital trip, it would be nice to have someone else take the children for the day,” Alicent admits. “Certainly preferable to letting them watch Cocomelon.”
“Cocomelon should always be the last resort,” Harwin agrees darkly.