Work Text:
What have I done?
It was a thought he had been familiar with for years and years of his life. Constantly rethinking his choices– things he could have said better, things he shouldn’t have said at all. But never once did Raf Thatchburn think he would be telling himself these words right now, at this moment, under this circumstance.
What have I done?
Raf stared at his reflection in the rotted mirror of the refreshers within Maz Kanata’s castle. His eyes looked more tired than usual, probably from constantly worrying about chaos and destruction continuously following him lately. At least his hair still looked nice and tamed. Raf looked down, his holsters felt heavy with his newly appointed blasters. The ones given to him by the Jedi child, Sav Malagán, just a few hours before. She was always so eager to become a pirate, jumping straight into danger and chaos from the second they met. Raf had learned to admire her for that.
It was her eagerness, her influence, that encouraged Raf to drop his badge of honor as a pirate hunter and become a pirate himself.
What. Have. I. Done.
Raf knew exactly what he did. He knew exactly why he did it, too. But finally having a moment of quiet amidst all the constant rattle has allowed him to overthink every single little detail. And to top it off, he hadn’t even told Alak yet. Raf joined the fight in the castle alongside Alak, yes, but he hadn’t shared the extent of his change in loyalty. What if Alak didn’t want to get back to how close they were before? What if he didn’t love him the same?
No no no, that wasn’t right. Raf remembered the words of Quiet Shan, Alak’s adoptive protégé, and how sincere she sounded. Shan never spoke a word, unless it was to an enemy about to meet their demise, and yet she stared at Raf straight in the eyes as she said those words that wouldn’t leave his heart upon hearing:
“You make him smile inside.”
Just by thinking of those words, Raf felt his stress leave his body and his tightened shoulders loosened. After all the wrong he had done to Alak and his pirate gang, after all the chastising and threats, he still cared. He still loved.
Raf’s thoughts were interrupted by the creaking of the ancient door of the refresher, the blue skin of Coromont Vizzle peeking through.
“Ah, finally,” Coromont said, his voice tilted with relief, “been looking all over for you. It’s story time and Sav’s taking the lead. I think they’d want you to join us.”
“Oh, um,” Raf started, “yeah, I’ll be there.”
He gave a curt nod as Coromont headed back out the door. Raf quickly took a moment to stare at the empty stalls and give himself a moment to breathe, then out he went, back into the chaos.
–
This is what I’ve done.
Raf stared at the crowd of pirates encircled around Sav as they began their tale. He had been to Maz’ castle so many times before, either to scoop out secrets of the vicious underworld denizens or just to go on a quiet date with Alak, yet it all felt so different now. He was no longer there as one of the enemies, he wasn’t looked upon with disdain nor was he suspicious of the drinks handed to him by various patrons. Even the furnishings felt cozy and comfortable. The room was filled with solidarity, community, acceptance. Hell, even a Jedi was there (well, two, including Sav) celebrating alongside them. Within mere minutes, all those doubts Raf held about making this drastic change were gone.
“She really is quite the story teller, huh?” Alak leaned over and whispered to Raf.
Raf looked over to Sav, swishing an imaginary lightsaber, complete with sound effects provided by Therm Scissorpunch. Maz and Dex laughing wildly while the audience was fully enraptured.
“Definitely knows how to steal the show,” Raf replied, “I wonder where she got it from.”
Raf playfully flicked his eyes over to Alak, who grinned in response.
They watched along in blissful, silent companionship as Sav performed her own life legend, Raf continuously flicking his eyes over to Alak whenever he was mentioned, and playing along with the dramatics whenever necessary. As Sav finished their story, proudly declaring themselves a Padawan Pirate, drinks clinked in celebration and the night started anew.
Raf made his rounds to the members of the crew he supposed he was now a part of, feeling the positive energy radiating off each of them.
This is what I’ve done. I’ve made a new space for myself.
As he looked around, all his decisions and choices seemed to fall into place. Or at least they did, until he stared over at Alak. Somehow that man made him more lost than ever, yet also so welcome and serene. As he made his way over to his distant love, he was quickly intercepted by Quiet Shan. A gentle push and wink from her was enough to convey her approval of the two, he responded with a slow, genuine nod. As she stepped away, he watched Alak step outside the front gates, wandering to the outside courtyard.
“Do you trust me?” Raf asked Alak the moment he caught up with him.
“With what?” Alak asked, only slightly taken aback.
“In general.”
Alak waited a moment, then replied, “Of course, I mean look at all you’ve done today-”
“Do you love me?” Raf interrupted.
“Of course,” Alak replied, slight skepticism and amusement blending together in his face.
“I’m not one with the law anymore,” Raf said. He wasn’t sure how to bring it up, so just figured the best way was to lay it down at once.
“What do you mean?”
“I left my job”
“You…? Why?”
“So I could become a pirate”
“That’s… Why?”
“Why did you fall in love with a cop?”
“I mean, I didn’t fall in love with your badge, I fell in love with you .”
Alak continued walking in the chilled outside courtyard. Raf followed close behind, feeling his cheeks go slightly warm. At least his mask covered it so Alak couldn’t point it out.
“Well, I didn’t fall for you exclusively for being a pirate. It just so happens that this lifestyle… has more going for it. More fun, more community. Not to mention it’ll let me get closer to certain people.”
“Oh, I didn’t know you liked Therm that much,” Alak teased. Raf let out an exhale of a laugh.
“Don’t be so coy, big guy.”
Alak stopped strolling, letting Raf catch up with him. The two leaned against the stone walls of the castle staring gently at each other, the crescent moonlight shining above them. Alak let himself smile at Raf as they savored the quiet moment together.
“What’s that smile mean?”
“You always make me smile”
“So I’ve heard”
Alak had a brief look of confusion on his face, but was quickly interrupted by Raf’s hands cupping his chin into his fingers. The world went silent for a moment, not a word said aloud, but stories of love told through their unbreaking eye contact.
“You make me whole,” Raf said at a quiet whisper, his mask gently projecting his voice, “I left everything, I gave up everything for you. Just being in that castle, being with you and feeling our love finally be able to grow, it was worth it all. I’d do it all again if I could.”
Alak’s hands moved up in turn, one touching the edge of Raf’s mask, the other rubbed against his elbow.
Raf continued, “I give my life to you. To earn your trust, to protect you, to fight for you, to love you. I feel like I have a purpose now, to better myself and those around me. It all happened so fast but I know it’s always been there. And I just, I-”
Raf moved his hands away from Alak, now throwing them exasperatedly in the air.
“-shit, enough with all the poetry, just- marry me, Alak?”
“Marry you?”
Alak grinned wildly, staring at the man before him. Raf knew he probably looked insane to him. He had just spontaneously dropped his years-long job of pirate hunting to join the pirates themselves, not to mention he had been drinking sporadically throughout the night, so he could feel every human emotion richer than what he would normally. Raf figured that Alak must have thought he needed some sleep, some time to clear his head and process everything that’s happened. But Alak could not have been more wrong. At this moment Raf was thinking more clearly than he ever had before.
“Yes,” Raf said with pure confidence, “marry me”.
“You’ve gone mad, Raf,” Alak said, still smiling that wide, contagious smile of his.
Called it, Raf thought.
Alak continued, “Is that how you think us pirates work? Always making one spontaneous decision after another?”
“Do you not want to get married?” Raf asked, feigning annoyance.
“No, I- of course- I mean…” He trailed off trying to find the right words. Raf gave him a moment of quiet patience, praying Alak couldn’t hear his heart banging wildly against his chest. He just proposed to Alak.
I just left my job. I just became a pirate. I just proposed to my love. What did that Jedi do to me?
Raf hoped Alak hadn’t said anything, because honestly he wasn’t paying attention. He was spiraling thinking about everything that had just happened. But even though it all came at once, it also all felt right. He knew they loved each other, more deeply than either had ever realized. They already spoke to each other every night over holo, even with a crowd monitoring them. Their lives were so entwined, what difference would marriage make other than solidifying that love? If the heirs of Eiram and E’ronoh could put aside their differences to get married, then Raf and Alak could acknowledge their possibly troubled past and do the same.
Alak finally spoke, “I didn’t know who I was for a very long time. I spent so much of my life training, fighting, wanting so bad to protect others. When I got lost for the first time I found Shan, when I fell again I found you. You were supposed to be the enemy but I found so much comfort with you. Both so different. Never truly accepted, always wandering. But I fit right in with you.”
Raf was crying. He didn’t realize it until the reflection of a tear on his mask caught his eye. Alak kept speaking.
“I always had to fight to make myself known in this galaxy. They only saw me as a killer, not as an actual person. But somehow the one person who was supposed to be against me, the one who was supposed to capture and arrest me and my kind, became the one who really, truly saw me.”
Alak stopped speaking and stared deeply into Raf’s eyes. The two men close to each other both in proximity and spirit.
“Ask me again,” Alak said.
Raf tried to speak but his voice caught in his throat. Alak had been vulnerable to him in the past, but never like this. Now at this moment, Raf truly knew the man he was with, and he knew more than ever that he belonged with him for all of the galaxy’s eternity.
“Ask me again,” Alak repeated, a smile still on his lips.
Raf’s voice returned to him, “Will you marry me?”
“Of course, my love.”
The two men reached towards each other in tandem, their differences in height and ability not stopping them from holding each other close. And there, on the steps of a pirate queen’s castle, surrounded by flags shifting slightly in the cool night breeze, two pirates held each other with new promises of love.
I understand what I’ve done. And I would do it all again.