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As you push yourself and the shoppingcart through the crowded aisles of the supermarket, you can feel your mouth completely drying out. You moved on to the next aisle. Clogged with people. Next aisle. Clogged with people. Next aisle. It seems like there is no way out, you're trapped between people and shelves stacked up to the ceiling with food. Your headphones are blasting music into your ears, numbing the voices and buzzing feeling in your head, trying to keep you kind of focused. A controlled way to overstimulate your mind in a situation that's overstimulation in a pretty bad way for you.
You move to the next aisle, now four or five aisles away from the one you want to get, but you just can't push through the masses of people standing there and blocking your way. Asking "Sorry, could you let me through?" being too much for you to handle. What if they looked you up and down, judging you by the way you look as everyone does, and tell you "take another way!"? So you go farther and farther away from the one thing you wanted to pick up for the night.
Your brother, Dustin, asked you to get some snacks for him and his friends who planned their nerd evening for weeks. Movies, games, comics. But he forgot about the snacks, like he always does. And since your mother is out with her friends for a birthdayparty, making you the babysitter of the night, he asked you to drive to the next grocery store to get chips and chocolate and cookies and everything else they needed.
Now you are trapped, your mouth dry and you feel every crack burning in your now too sensitive skin in your mouth. Your hands get sweaty. It's like a rope ties around your chest, pulling tighter and tighter the more you try to breathe until you can only gasp. Every fiber of your clothes itches and rubs your skin, your knees turning into jello and threatening you to lose balance and crash to the floor.
Eyes fixed on your still empty shopping cart, fingers wrapped around the bar violently until your knuckles turn white, your feet make their way like someone told them what to do, you have absolutely no control over anything. With every step you can feel your heart pumping blood through your veins, the throbs getting heavier and vibrating through your body like you are standing way too close to a subwoofer.
Your feet carry you to a quieter part of the store and unconsciously you are thankful for your instincts. The way from where you started to your current location is like 6 meters, maybe seven, but the walk felt like hours, as if you are in slow motion while everything around you is in highspeed. Your pulse is as high as if you ran a marathon.
Looking to your left and right you notice you landed at the canned food and try to take a deep breath. The rope around your chest seems to loosen, but you are tricked. As soon as you inhale it tightens again.
Just as you think you are out of danger, your body has other plans. There is no safe space, there is danger everywhere. At least this is what your body and mind tells you after everything you went through with your brother and his friends.
Before you sink to the ground you make sure you are alone, crawling in between two stacks of sieved tomatoes and pureed tomatoes, using your cart as a shield.
Eddie van Halen's voice fell silent long ago, but your fingers are too stiff and numb, you have no chance to rewind the cassette. So you just sit there, fingernails digging in the fabric of your hoodie, knees pressed against your chest.
You have no idea how long you sat there, huddled between two stacks of canned tomatoes. Could be seconds, minutes, hours, you completely lost track of time staring into the void, your body all tensed up. After some time three familiar figures march past you.
"I don't get it. Why do people take a shopping cart just to leave it somewhere, completely empty? I could've used that shit way better." A boy with brown curly hair and a red flannel curses under the weight of chips bags and dips, eying the empty shopping cart you previously pushed through the aisles.
"Then take it. No one's around, no one will miss it I guess." Another guy, dark skin, tall with a smile as sweet as honey told him, pushing him with his elbow. Gareth nearly dropped all the bags and dips as Jeff's push was more like an intense tickling sensation rather than hurting. If he could, he would've flipped him the bird, but he couldn't, his fingers are desperately trying to hold onto the bags. But his look says more than words can.
"Wait. Is that a person?" Another guy, long dark hair, ripped jeans and a jeans vest, points at you.
"Yeah, what the hell?" Gareth has to squint his eyes and follows Eddies gaze until he finds you.
"Isn't that Henderson's big sister? I don't know, what's her name again?" Jeff looks at Eddie with a questioning look.
"Yeah, at least they have the same shitty style in clothing. You had classes with her, didn't you?" Gareth chimes in, also looking at Eddie whose brain cells try to remember her name.
"I think her name is Y/N or something like that. I don't know, we never talked, hardly ever noticed she was there." Eddies gaze is fixed on you, a worried expression taking over now.
"What the hell is she doing there?", he whispers. "She doesn't look good."
"Maybe we should ask if she needs help?" Eddie looks at Gareth as he suggests they should talk to her. He takes a deep breath and nods.
Jeff pushes away the shopping cart, and tries to shield away curious views with his body as Eddie and Gareth kneel down. You show no reaction, your gaze still fixed on something that's not physical. Even when they slide back your headphones, you're totally zoned out.
"Hello? Earth to Y/N! Someone there? Helloooo?!" Without gaining much attention from the other people around, Eddie tried to get you back to reality, snaps his fingers infront of your face and tries anything to get your attention. Gareth cautiously places a hand on your knee and tries to shake you, successfully.
"Hey, Y/N, hello! Welcome back, sweetheart." The curly haired boy welcomes you as they pulled you back from your trance like state to the real world. Sweetheart? Both Eddie and Jeff look at him in surprise and try to hold back a grin.
"Hey", you answer, voice soft and nothing more than a whisper.
"You ok?", both boys ask in unison.
Even though your brain wants to admit you're not ok, that you need help and can't deal with this all by yourself, you nod, signaling them you're ok, which of course facilitate them. You can clearly feel how they relaxed, let out deep breaths they were holding tensely. And as soon as you lift your head to look at the boys, your body backstabs you. Vision turns blurry and you feel tears burning in your eyes, the rope tightens around your chest and there occured a big lump in your throat.
"Okay, okay! No! Not okay! We gotta get her out of here right now!" Eddie jumps up, his finger fidgeting with the chains on his belt, looking left and right to find the fastest way out. His stressed attitude only stresses you more and Gareth seems to know that.
"Oh shut up, please!", he hisses at his friend and tries to calm him down. "C'mere, I got'cha." With a calm smile he holds his hand out to you and after a second of hesitation you take it, placing your hand in his. Gareth's calloused hand is surprisingly soft and warm and you feel how calming his presence is, he kind of takes you in a comforting bubble.
"I don't think between canned tomatoes is a good place to calm down." With his other hand he wipes away the tears that left wet and hot trails on your cheeks.
"Look at me, ok? We got this. You got this. I'll get you out and take you home. You guys-" he turns to his friends. "-you take this stuff and pick me up when I got her home, ok?" Both Eddie and Jeff nod in agreement, surprised by his behavior and the way he seems to radiate a soothing aura, automatically calming everyone down.
"The snacks!", you gasp. "I need the snacks for Dustin!" Panick rises again as you remember the reason for this trip. "I forgot his snacks!", you repeat stressed.
"Don't worry, ok? We got this. They get the snacks, I get you home. Sounds good?" The way Gareth looks at you brings you back into this warm bubble and you nod.
"Ok, ok. Thanks."
"Great. Let's get out of here."
Soon he managed to get you out of the grocery store. In the meantime it started to rain heavily. Thick drops crashing down, in the distance you can hear thunder. You don't know how he got you out there, it's like you are in a haze, but you are glad he did.
The sound, smell and feeling of the raindrops crashing down on your hair, your skin and the pavement beneath your feet have a soothing effect on you, like a hug, a soft hug. Not a tight hug from a friend you barely saw for years or a hug from your grandparents, more like arms loosely put around you, without weight, without pressure. Like a blanket that's light as a feather but still feels like an iron shield. Soft and fragile as a butterflys' wings.
You can finally breath again, the thick air vanishes and all you can feel is the rain on your skin. The wet feeling eliminates the rubbing and itching from your clothes fibers and your hair, the tight rope washes down even though it leaves a caged feeling in your chest, so deep breaths are still hard.
After some time you gain back the control of your body and with still weak knees you follow him to your car, your hand clutched in his as if he's the lifebuoy that pulled you out of the wild sea, afraid to be pulled down again by the waves if you let go of his hand.
He begs you to give him the keys and let him drive. "I'm not gonna let you drive a car! No way! I know where you live and I know how to drive.", he insists and you have no strength to argue with him.
For the whole ride you barely let go of his hand. The only time you do is when he needs his hand to change between gears. But as soon as his hand leaves the shift stick your fingers find their way to intertwine with his again while he holds out his hand for you.
Gareth pulls into your driveway and after he parked the car, he looks at you. He has a worried look on his face. By now you seem a bit more calm, but not calm enough to be let alone, still in danger of getting another panic attack. After a few moments, awkwardly quiet moments, he gathers all his courage and asks: “You want me to come in with you? You need someone?”
It takes you a moment, but before your head decides on an answer that doesn’t seem like you are a little helpless girl, you nod, silently cursing yourself. You hate asking for help, it doesn't matter if you are actively asking for help or by not keeping your guard up, so others notice you’re weak. But this time it felt different, you don’t feel shame when you ask for help or let others help you.
“Yes please.”, you explain, more confident than your nod. He gives you one more confident look, gets out of the car and opens the door for you so he can guide you inside your home. Just in time Eddies van stopped in front of your lawn, nearly crashing with your mailbox. Eddie and Jeff got some more snacks and left in a hurry to follow you two in his van.
Jeff carries the bags full of snacks while Eddie and Gareth prop you up and guide you to the front door. Your body is still shaking heavily, you wouldn’t be able to walk this little path to the front door by yourself in this situation. Eddie opens the door and Dustin's voice echoes from the living room.
“Where the hell have you been? You went shopping like hours ago!” This was your typical idiot brother, scolding you for being late because he again forgot to get snacks.
“What are you doing here?”, he cautiously asks as soon as he noticed his friends nearly carrying his older sister.
“Henderson!” Eddie starts, sounding exhausted. “I think your sister had a panic attack.”
“A panic attack? Again?” Dustin looks at you, worried and with a hint of guilt. He knew how fragile you are and how bad it got after everything with the upside down and the mindflayer. This was, in his eyes, his fault, he knew about it, knew about your struggles but nevertheless he sent you to the grocery store, on a friday evening!
“Shit! Shit! Shit!”, your brother curses as he rushes to the bathroom.
“Hey!”, another voice rings from the living room, suspiciously sounding like Steve. “Watch your tone, dude!”
“And what does he mean by ‘again’?” Gareth turns to Eddie with a puzzled look, now even more concerned. “What do you mean with ‘again’?”, he repeats as Dustin leaves the bathroom with a little can of xanax pills, giving one to you with a glass of water.
“After the maul burned down her panic attacks got worse and more frequent.” They never saw Dustin so concerned and earnest.
“What? You should get her to a professional or something like that! That can’t be good or normal!”
“We -” he pauses for a moment, carefully watching you take the pill. “Mom did, Y/N got some meds to help with that but she barely takes ‘em. She says they make her numb and like a puppet.” Dustin sighs, mouthing “I’m so sorry” as you swallow the pill.
“Shit.” Jeff, Gareth and Eddie say in unison.
You are still holding on to Eddies and Gareths hands, not planning on letting go of them.
“I think we should get her to rest.”, the latter explains, squeezing your hand.
“Yeah, yeah.” Dustin runs his hand through his stubborn hair and watches them as they guide you to your room while Jeff puts the bags of snacks in the living room.
“Is Y/N okay?” Steve appears behind Dustin, his gaze focused on his best friends sister.
“I think it’s getting worse again.”, he whispers before looking up to Steve. “I shouldn’t have sent her to the store today. This is my fault.”
Steve puts his hand on Dustins shoulder. “No it’s not. You know it could’ve happened anywhere, even in her home.”
You three disappeared in your room, leaving Steve and Dustin all alone in the hallway.
“C’mon, I think they can take care of her, give her some rest.” He tugs at the little boys sleeve to get him back to the living room.
“Yeah, you’re right.”
You plopp down on your bed and try to kick your shoes away, unsuccessfully, so Gareth comes to help you.
“Let me help you with this.” he tells you while he kneels down and grabs your shoe.
“Do you want something to drink? Or something to eat?” Eddie asks, desperately wanting to help.
“No, I’m fine, thanks.” you tell him, his hyperactive attitude causing you to feel unease again.
“I think you should go and look after Henderson. I’ll make sure she’s ok.” Gareth suggests after he notices how your muscles begin to tense up again.
“Yeah, yeah you’re right. It was nice to meet you again, Y/N.” Nice to meet you again? Well, there could’ve been better ways to meet again, you think. But he’s just so nervous and you can’t take offense at him.
Eddie leaves the room and Gareth puts your shoes aside. “Do you need anything? Comfy socks? Music? A blanket?” He looks you up and down and tries to figure out what could help you to calm down properly.
“No, thanks.” you answer. His soothing aura was enough for this moment, that’s all you needed right now, but you are too afraid to ask him to stay.
“I can get you some snacks in case you get hungry tonight, or a glass of water. Do you want a cigarette?”
“No, Gareth, thanks. I’m fine.” you reassure him, a soft smile dancing on your lips. The boy takes a deep breath and after you lay down on your bed, he tugs you up in your cozy blanket. His eyes are always fixed on you, noticing every movement, how your chest rises and falls with every breath and how your muscles still tense up from time to time. So he clearly noticed how he had a calming effect on you after all.
After some time he just sits there in front of your bed, chin resting on your mattress, his hand still holding yours, he asks: “You want me to stay?”
You open your teary eyes and look at him. “Please.” It is more like a desperate whimper, begging for his presence. You definitely can’t explain this, but you felt so good in his presence, holding his hand was like holding onto a lifebuoy.
A smile tugs on his lips, “Ok, I’ll stay with you.”
He stays with you the whole night, eventually falling asleep after you let him in your bed. Some time in the early morning hours, around 2 am, Dustin and Eddie come to check on you and find you two cuddled up in your bed. He leans against the headboard of your bed, half-sitting, half-laying down. Your head rests on his chest, the sound of his steady heartbeat let you fall asleep so fast, it was almost like hypnosis. Gareths hands are buried in your hair while your arms are wrapped around his soft belly.
“I think they are doin’ just fine”, Eddie determines with a satisfied grin. Dustin nods. He’s never been more glad that Eddie and the other guys of hellfire showed up to pick up his sister, and he never dared to believe that he was glad one of these guys was staying in bed with her. But there is no doubt he isn’t good for her.