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She let out a strangled sob as the word 'guilty' echoed around the courtroom.
Quickly, Lisbon attempted to regain her composure, but she already knew it was too late. Jane shot a quizzical look at her from the dock shortly before he was dragged away. In response, she shook her head ever so slightly, it was barely perceptible to the majority of people, but he'd know. Or at least, if anyone was likely to work out what she had meant, it was going to be him.
When she had discovered that Jane had shot a man down dead in the middle of a busy shopping mall, she had been more than a little horrified. Of course, she had immediately blamed herself, racked her brains for ways that she could have stopped him from committing a serious crime and subsequently, felt hollow inside. Lisbon had believed that her years of working with him (and on him) had made a difference. That he had changed his perception on vengeance and that trusting the law would have been enough for him.
But she had been spectacularly wrong.
And that was why she had just found herself in this scenario.
The funny thing was, she wasn't as angry with him as she'd thought she'd have been. Of course, there was the inherent distaste in her mouth. That was only natural; she was a cop through and through. However, at the same time, it had been Red John he'd killed. That made it different. His seven year long quest was over; he'd done what he set out to do. He'd gotten his revenge and therefore, Lisbon could only hope that he had also managed to get the peace he so obviously craved.
Slowly, she watched as people filtered out and as a consequence, the hubbub of chatter disappeared after them. Her team sat quietly beside her; Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt, all loyal to a fault. She knew that they wouldn't leave her alone. They all cared about Jane (almost) as much as she did. Probably, they were still reeling from the shock of him actually being convicted too.
Though, it wasn't a shock in the slightest. There had been hundreds of witnesses to the murder and it had been undeniably premeditated. Even Jane, with all his ways with words, wouldn't have been able to talk his way out of this one.
There was a silver lining, if she could look at it in such a way. This had only been the conviction, not the sentencing. She wasn't entirely sure, but Lisbon suspected that death had been wiped clean off the table. He couldn't go to death row, could he? Not after all he had done for the state through his work with the CBI? With her?
Then again, as far as she knew, that was over. Her team, her faithful team who were still sitting beside her in an empty courtroom weren't actually her team any more. They'd been split up, shifted into alternative positions. She knew that already. As for her own fate? Well, that was yet to be sealed. Lisbon had a meeting scheduled with Bertram after she had made a 'full' recovery from the shooting, but she suspected the worst. She had spectacularly lost control of Jane and allowed him to kill another man. If she were in the director's shoes, she wouldn't have given herself her job back.
All of that still felt inconsequential though.
The unerring sense of loss had just hit her completely. There had to be an easier way to deal with this. Instead of giving her a warning, instead of making it easier on her, it had all fallen on top of her like a ton of bricks and there was nothing she could do but react to it. If she'd known his plans, if she'd realized he was buckling under the pressure of hunting down Red John, then maybe they could have done something differently. Maybe Jane could have said goodbye to them all, one by one and just left them to find Red John. Maybe she could have left – as she once promised to – instead of having to deal with the fallout.
Instead, she had just lost everything in one swift moment.
Her job.
Security.
Friendship.
Something more?
The gentle nudge of Grace Van Pelt's elbow in her ribcage broke her out of her reverie, reminded her that they really had to get moving. This place would soon be filling up with a new set of people, ready and waiting to hear judgment on another crime. Ready to destroy other people's lives, perhaps. Throughout her career, she had been so fixated on fighting injustice, giving people answers, bringing back hope. For the first time in a long while, she remembered that not only did the victim have family and friends too, but the perpetrator as well.
Briefly, she wondered if Jane realized just how much his actions had hurt them, beyond the physical ramifications, of course. It was merely coincidence that she was still nursing an injury, with no thanks to his crackpot plan to capture Red John. The emotional fallout would take much longer to heal from, she suspected. No, that was something she already knew from prior experience.
Damn him, she thought, damn him to hell.
Of course, she didn't mean it. That was just the anger and frustration boiling in the pit of her stomach.
"You okay, boss?" Van Pelt asked quietly as they slowly exited the building.
"Fine."
Her tone was clipped, short. She didn't bother to correct Van Pelt; to remind her that she wasn't her boss any more. Lisbon's energy was spent elsewhere.
When Van Pelt didn't bother to chase it and they parted company, Lisbon was relieved.
This was something she desperately needed some space to think over.
xxx
It took her two months to visit him in jail.
That hadn't been her intention; Lisbon had initially wanted to see Jane as soon as possible after his conviction. However, real life had gotten in the way. There had been regular rounds of physical therapy, meetings with the CBI, getting herself a new job with the FBI and so on. In a way, it felt like she hadn't had time to stop and breathe, never mind anything else. Now she had finally felt like the dust had begun to settle and she could make time to speak to him.
The last time she had seen him had been a month ago, across a courtroom to hear his sentencing. Thankfully, she had been right about her suspicions about the death sentence. Given Jane's complex relationship with the Red John case and the amount of criminals he had assisted in apprehending, the judge had gone easy on him. Still, he was facing many years in jail and nothing was going to change that fact.
In a way, she knew it was justified. Expected, even. That didn't stop it from hurting, however.
He'd let her down, that much was evident.
She waited impatiently at the metal table, incessantly ringing her hands together. It felt good to have some freedom back in her right arm, but she knew it wasn't fully healed just yet. Her therapist was hopeful that time would give her back the full mobility she used to enjoy, but Lisbon had always been an impatient soul. Another convict glared at her as he strolled past. Briefly she remembered carnie folk – Jane's kind – telling her just how obvious it was that she was a cop and she shook her head sadly.
But when she spotted him being guided towards her, she brightened up instantly.
"I hear congratulations are in order?" he said the moment they had been left alone.
She brushed it aside. "It shouldn't have come to that."
"Still. A better position, with the FBI, no less…"
"I was happy where I was. I didn't want to leave."
"I know." Lisbon stared at him and for once, he looked uncomfortable underneath her scrutinizing glare. "I'm sorry," he finally added and she let out a heavy sigh. "I mean it."
"You should have talked to me."
"No," Jane answered firmly.
"No?" she echoed, incredulous.
"You would have stopped me."
"Exactly."
Lisbon watched carefully, but he soon glanced away. Instead, he persisted in twisting his wedding band around his ring finger. It was not too dissimilar to the way she had been playing with her own hands just minutes earlier.
"You're looking good. Better now you have your arm back."
"I wish I could say the same for you."
It was clear that jail hadn't gone easy on him. Or at least, not as easy as it had been on prior occasions. This was probably because this was due to be a much longer stint, one that felt indefinite to the both of them. It was a necessary evil, of course. After all, no man should have been allowed to get away with murder, not even Patrick Jane. However, Lisbon knew that jail was a terrible place for a cop to be, and Jane was probably as good as one according to the inmates. He was never going to get away with it easily.
And she hated that.
However, there was nothing she could do.
All she could do was cling to the vain hope that he would get through this in one piece. That it wouldn't destroy him bit by bit. And, though he would have hated it, she had offered up more than one prayer in his honor. Just because she was still angry with him, it didn't mean she had stopped caring about him. That wasn't something she felt capable of just turning off or on.
"The tea's crap here," Jane said eventually.
"Please," she retorted, unable to hide the smirk on her face. "I know you're not as fussy about tea as you make out to be."
"Doesn't change the fact that the tea tastes like crap," he replied with a pout.
"I'll see what I can do."
Once more, they fell into an awkward silence. It surprised Lisbon just how difficult it had become to speak to him now. She longed for the days of easy banter, but she hoped that it would come back in time. When they had adjusted to this new situation they had found themselves in. Besides, she still had to forgive both him and herself for landing themselves in this mess, however justified it was.
She had gotten too lucky when it came to finding herself a new position. If the director of the FBI hadn't believed she had been wrongly punished for Jane's misdemeanors, then she would never have been hired by them. It didn't make the transition any easier though. Nor did it make the slightest difference to what Jane had done, and what he'd have to endure as a consequence.
"Jane?"
"Yes?"
"Are you happy? Now it's over?"
"No."
She nodded and almost felt vindicated by his response. Lisbon didn't need an explanation as to why he was unhappy; she had enough suspicions as it was. Maybe he had learned his lessons about the costs now, albeit slightly too late? That was something she could only hope for. Still, she stood and began to make her way out. Lisbon had always hated being within the confines of a jail; it was a place where she truly felt unwelcome. That was hardly surprising, given the fact that she had dedicated her life to capturing criminals and putting them in places like this.
It took a lot of reminders to make it sink in that Jane did actually belong in a place like this. For too long, she had deceived herself into believing he was an inherently good man. In reality, she had known he was capable of killing for as long as she'd known him. Still, even with her reminders about the fact that Jane was now a cold-blooded murderer, she couldn't help but think that it wasn't implicitly black and white. The murder of Red John had been the exception to the rule; Jane wouldn't kill again. She knew that.
"Stay in touch?" he called after her and she turned to face him.
"Of course."