Chapter Text
There’s a lot of things that Hyunjin loves about Chan. He loves how he smiles, how he talks – especially in the mornings –, how he sings, and dances, and the way he takes care of everyone that’s dear to him. The list goes on and on, with something new added every day. But what Hyunjin loves the most is that even though he’s so strong and always has a shoulder to lean on, he’s not scared to show his vulnerability, especially to STAY. Chan always wants to make sure that they’re okay, so whenever they’re asking for advice during Chan’s Room, he talks about personal experiences and how he deals with struggles.
Yes, Hyunjin loves a whole lot about Chan. But not only that; he also loves him with all his heart. Ever since they first met, he’s felt a strong connection. Chan is the one person he always goes to whenever he needs someone to talk to. Chan is the one he shares the most hobbies and interests with. Chan is the one who understands him best, who knows all his secrets – well, expect the one that is about Hyunjin’s feelings for him. Sometimes, it’s hard. There are times where Hyunjin struggles to even be in the same room as Chan because his feelings tend to get overwhelming, but Hyunjin can’t risk telling him. He doesn’t feel the same and that’s okay. As long as Chan is there, Hyunjin is happy – or tries to be.
“Chan’s voice makes me sleepy,” says Felix as he makes himself more comfortable. Him and Hyunjin are laying in bed, watching Chan’s Room. Chan is only a few rooms away, streaming from his bedroom.
Hyunjin smiles at Felix and runs his fingers through his soft hair. “Don’t fall asleep on me.”
Felix nods, then closes his eyes. They both know that he’s about to pass out any minute. It’s been a long day for all of them, but DANCERACHA worked extra today, finessing a new choreography. Hyunjin’s body was sore and normally, he would be fast asleep by now, seeing as it is half past two in the morning, but Chan’s keeping him awake.
Chan dyed his hair back to blonde recently and Hyunjin just can’t help but look at him. When the others are around, he tries not to stare as much, but right now, with Felix being half asleep, he dares to enjoy Chan’s beauty.
God, there are no words to describe just how beautiful Hyunjin thinks he is. His hair, his face, his body – everything about Chan is just so mesmerizing that Hyunjin can’t even imagine finding someone he finds nearly as attractive. Chan is perfect in every way, except that he isn’t Hyunjin's boyfriend.
Felix shifts closer to Hyunjin and begins to snore quietly. With a smile on his face, Hyunjin takes the blanket and puts it on the everyone’s sunshine.
“Have you ever been in love?”, he hears Chan say, reading aloud a question from STAY.
Hyunjin turns to the screen and notices a rather sad expression on Chan’s face. He’s quiet for a bit, then clears his throat.
“Yes,” he says. “One time, but it just wasn’t supposed to be.” Chan’s smile seems forced. Then he doesn’t say anything for a bit, until someone asks him how one should deal with being lovesick.
“Falling in love is a beautiful thing, but you should always remember that nobody owes you love, you see. It’s your decision to like someone, or – well no, you can’t decide on that, but you can decide to give in to those feelings. So, what I’m trying to say is, just because you like someone, they don’t have to like you back. And it’s something you just can’t control. It’s not easy to accept that, but once you do, it’s easier to get over it.” Chan swallows, then looks directly in the camera. “Most of the time, you’re going to fall for a friend, though, which makes it a bit harder, especially when you see them every day. If that’s the case, you’ll have to figure out what’s best for you. Do you want to tell them and maybe, maybe end a beautiful friendship or do you want to keep that friendship alive and just enjoy what you get from that person.”
Hyunjin’s heart starts beating faster. He wonders if Chan’s talking about him, if he knows. He could be talking about anybody, of course. That scenario is something that happens every day, all around the world. Friends to lovers, or friends who decide to stay friends, or a friend that doesn’t want to lose their friend, so they just keep their mouth shut and torture themselves.
“Were you in love with a friend?” Another question from STAY.
Chan chuckles, then shakes his head and looks down at his hands. He seems a bit embarrassed. Hyunjin gets goosebumps. That’s another thing he loves about Chan. Whenever he’s embarrassed, he gets all shy and nervous and starts fidgeting with something, this time it’s a pen cap.
“Yes,” Chan admits. “They’re a friend.”
Hyunjin's eyes widen.
“You see, I realized that I love them when we were taking a walk. We would do that quite a lot, but this time, it started to rain really badly, and we ran to find shelter. We didn’t find one, so we just kept running until we couldn’t anymore.”
That is- Chan looks devastated, yet he tries to smile.
“We stopped and just started dancing around in the rain, not caring at all. We laughed and sang songs, and I was just so happy to be with that person. That moment was- It was-“
Chan stops talking and Hyunjin almost has a heart attack. He knows that story. He knows it very well. Not because Chan told him about that day, but because he was with him. Because they danced in the rain, sang some Adele and Bruno Mars, held each other like lovers dancing for their lives.
“We’re just not meant for each other, so I just let it go.”
This can’t be.
“If I could, I’d still do anything for them to- You know, even though you should get over people who don’t love you back, some of them will still have you in a chokehold. They’re kind of your person, you know? The one you’ll always have a soft spot for.”
Chan looks as if he’s about to cry. Hyunjin's head is spinning. He can’t believe what he just heard. It must be a dream. Maybe he’s too exhausted from practice. Maybe he’s imagining things.
Chan can’t be talking about him. Maybe dancing in the rain was the stuff he always did with people, though none of the others have ever mentioned doing that with him.
No, he can’t be talking about him. If he is, that means-
“Oh god,” Hyunjin murmurs. “We’re so stupid.”