Work Text:
••••••••••••••••••
Namjoon heard the door of his room click open.
“Sorry, sorry, I know I’m late, it’s not my fault, Hobi was killing me with this new dance we’re doing and made me practice-“ Jin rushed into the room, closing the door as quietly as he could.
“Just shut up and get over here please,” Namjoon said, turning to kiss his boyfriend.
“I missed you,” Jin said into Namjoon’s shoulder as they embraced.
“I missed you more,” Namjoon replied, kissing him on the forehead. “Ugh, you’re all sweaty”
Namjoon teased.
“Like I said,” Jin huffed. “Hobi was literally seconds away from ending my life. Why did I join a boyband?” He whined.
“So you could meet me,” Namjoon said simply, smiling.
Jin looked up at him.
“I guess you’re right,” he agreed. “But couldn’t I have met you without having to do so much dancing?”
Namjoon shook his head.
“Sorry gorgeous, the dancing comes with the job.”
Jin kissed him when they heard the door opening.
Namjoon jumped so far back, you’d think Jin was suddenly on fire and Namjoon was trying to get away.
“Chill out, it’s only me,” Jungkook said, gracing the room with his presence.
“Haven’t you heard of knocking?” Namjoon asked, his face flushed red.
“Just ‘cause I heard of it don’t mean I have to use it,” Jungkook pointed out, flopping onto Namjoons bed.
Namjoon nervously glanced over at Jin. The moment was gone, as it had been many times before when there was a scare of someone catching them together.
Jin tried to ignore the feeling of resentment growing in his chest. He knew Namjoon wasn’t ready to tell people. Hell, Jungkook only knew because he caught them while they were on a date. The youngest ones always know what’s up anyway, he would’ve found out sooner or later. But the rest of the band? Any chance of a person seeing them sent Namjoon into a panic. A panic so strong that they could be making out one moment, and completely awkward and 5 feet apart the next.
Jin didn’t mind. He tried to not let it get to him. Being with Namjoon was enough. He didn’t care if he had to hide it from the others, because behind closed doors, everything was perfect. That would have to be enough for now.
“What’s up JK?” Jin asked, swiping a hand through his hair and sitting on the bed next to him.
“I was bored,” JK said with a shrug. “Wanted to see if you guys wanted to hang,”
“Man I’m pretty tired from dance today,” Jin said, turning onto his stomach and resting his face in his hands. His elbows created little dents in the mattress. Jin examined the dents so he wouldn’t look at Namjoon.
“Yeah, and I promised Tae I’d work out with him in the morning, which means I’m waking up super early.” Namjoon added, running his left thumb over his right hands knuckles as an act of distraction.
“Yeah,” Jungkook scoffed. “Right. Or you guys just want to stay here and make out,”
Both Jin and Namjoon turned red.
“Oh my god, get your head out of the gutter,” Jin exclaimed, hitting JK over the head with a pillow.
Jungkook giggled.
“Don’t act like it isn’t true,” he said, sticking his sock covered feet in Jins face.
Jin rolled his eyes and kicked the youngest in the ribs. Namjoon laughed at their antics, jumping onto the bed to join them.
“Seriously dude, I gotta keep my gains in proper shape. They’re my most valuable possessions.” Namjoon flexed his arms.
Jin stared at him. He had the most jacked boyfriend and he loved it.
“One day, I will get gains twice as big as that, and then I’ll take you out,” Jungkook proclaimed proudly.
Namjoon laughed.
“I’d like to see you try,” he challenged. “Now get out of my room before I have security take you,”
Jungkook rolled his eyes, sitting up and getting off the bed.
“Fine,” Jungkook said, heading to the door. “Old man needs his sleep.” He smirked.
“Good night,” Namjoon said with a smile.
Jungkook waved back. “Night,”
Jin and Namjoon sat in tense silence for a minute.
“I should go, I have a long day tomorrow,” Jin said, standing.
Namjoon looked at him, masking the disappointment in his eyes.
“Yeah, yeah ok,” he said. Jin lingered in the door.
“I’ll uh see you tomorrow then?” Jin asked, looking at Namjoon with hope.
Namjoon nodded.
“Yeah, of course.”
Jin gave him a nod.
“Sleep well,” he said, closing the door before Namjoon could respond.
“Sleep…well.” Namjoon said to the shut door.
He groaned, running his hands over his face in exasperation. He looked at his phone. It wasn’t even 9:30 yet. He had really wanted Jin to stay, so they could talk and hang out and…maybe JK was right and he did want to make out with his boyfriend but that was beside the point. Namjoon dropped onto his bed and lay there above the sheets with a sigh.
He knew everything would be easier if he came out and then everyone could know but…Namjoon shook his head. He wasn’t ready to think about this again. He wasn’t able to shake the shame when he and Jin almost got caught together. He just couldn’t process it.
So he went to sleep.
••••••••••••••••••
When Jin and Namjoon saw eachother next, the awkwardness from the night before had dissipated and been forgotten.
“All right people it’s time to dance!” Hobi said with a grin as the members made their way into the practice room.
“Yippee,” Jin deadpanned, lacing up his shoes excruciatingly slow in an attempt to stall.
“Come on, Hyung, it’s not that bad,” Jimin said, grabbing Jin by the arms and heaving him up to stand.
Jin scoffed.
“Easy for you to say, you like to dance,” he grumbled. He was extra grumpy this morning, as he didn’t sleep very well. He kept thinking about how things ended with Namjoon, wanting to go back and see him, but never going through with it. Jin hadn’t even realized how late it was until he had checked his phone hours after leaving Namjoons room.
“I have other things to do today, so if we could please get this show on the road,” Yoongi said impatiently.
They practiced the dance, some members being better at it than others, but overall it looked pretty good. It was the first time they had rehearsed the entire dance all together, and for a first run it went quite smoothly.
“See,” Namjoon said as he nudged Jin during a water break. “You can dance,”
Jin looked at him and rolled his eyes.
“Sure I can, when being forced against my will,” he replied, taking a sip of his water.
“You’re a good dancer tho,” Namjoon continued.
“Awww, look at you, lying to my face,” Jin cooed, smiling. Namjoon laughed.
“I’m not lying!” He insisted. “You’re good,”
Jin laughed.
“You’re just saying that ‘cause I’m hot,” he whispered.
Namjoon turned slightly red.
“Ugh, it’s so hard to be nice to you, you know that?” He said, shoving Jin with a laugh. Jin shrugged.
“I’m just telling the truth,” he replied, dodging when Namjoon tried to hit him.
“Ok ok, come on freaks, we’re running it again,” Jungkook called from the other side of the studio. Namjoon shoved Jin once more for good measure and went over to the group to start the dance again. They had to start and stop a few times, cleaning up certain transitions and moves, but when they were done everyone seemed pretty satisfied with it.
“I think that went well,” Hobi decided, putting on his jacket.
“I’m surprised it went well, because SOMEONE was dancing in timberlands.” Tae said, raising his eyebrows at Jungkook.
“My dance will not be stopped by any shoe,” he said with pride. “Also I forgot my sneakers,” he added, causing the members to laugh.
Everyone left the studio relatively quickly, as they all had things to do that day. They had a new concept coming out soon, which meant they had a lot of work to do. Finally when everyone left, it was just Jin and Namjoon.
“Hi,” Namjoon said, wrapping his arms around Jin.
“Hi,” Jin replied, planting a kiss on Namjoons cheek. Namjoon smiled.
“Thank god the members left, I was losing my mind not kissing you for so long,” Namjoon said, lacing his fingers with Jins.
“I know,” Jin agreed, pushing hair out of Namjoons face. “I was five seconds away from fake passing out so you would give me CPR.”
Namjoon leaned his head back and laughed.
“I don’t think that’s how that works but the sentiment is appreciated,” he said, smiling fondly at his boyfriend. They stood there wrapped in each others arms, talking and laughing and kissing. They knew it would be a while before they’d have another moment alone, and they were making the most of every second.
“Can I ask you something?” Jin asked into Namjoons shoulder.
“Of course,” Namjoon replied.
“When do you think we can tell the band about us?” Jin asked, feeling Namjoon tense up.
“Uhm,” Namjoon said, then paused. “I don’t really know,” he said after a moment. Jin masked his disappointment.
“Ok,” he said. “That’s fine, I was just wondering.”
“Do you…want to tell them soon?” Namjoon asked.
Jin shook his head.
“Only if you’re ready,” he said, there was a beat of silence. “I mean, it would be nice…” Jin added. “If we told them. That way we wouldn’t have to sneak around all the time?”
Namjoon nodded.
“Yeah…I mean…” he paused, compiling his thoughts. “We can..discuss telling them. Later?”
Jin nodded.
“Later is good. I just think it would make everything easier, you know?”
Namjoon was silent for a moment.
“Yeah,” he said finally.
Jin kissed him again.
“I gotta go, but I’ll see you tonight, ok?”
Namjoon nodded, plastering a smile on his face.
“Of course,” he said. “Have a good day,”
“You too,” Jin replied, strolling out of the studio.
One person left the conversation feeling pretty good. The other person wanted to cry.
••••••••••••••••••
Some people realize they’re queer through cartoon characters, meeting other queer people, just discovering it naturally, etc.
Namjoon’s story is also very common.
Lots of people join a Korean boy band, meet 7 insanely handsome and talented guys, fall for their fellow band mate as the band rises to international fame. Everyone does that. Definitely.
Namjoons queer journey was…rough to say the least. But he figured that all of it was worth it, because it lead him to Jin. Karma works in mysterious ways, and Namjoon was thankful.
Jin, on the other hand, had been sure of his sexuality since he was about 16 years old. He didn’t date in highschool, not because he didn’t have the opportunity, but because no one was particularly enamoring to him. He was Kim Seokjin. His standards were high (as they should be), and he knew he wasn’t interested in dating girls. Case closed, problem solved, end of debate. The first time he had really wanted to date someone was Namjoon. He was pining insanely, it’s actually embarrassing. You can imagine his joy when he found out Namjoon was interested in him as well, and you can imagine Namjoons joy when he finally felt what he had been reading about in novels all his life.
They were happy. But, every relationship has its imperfections, and this was theirs. Namjoon wasn’t out to anyone but Jin and Jungkook. It took him a while to be ok with Jungkook knowing after he caught them on a date together. Jin was out, and didn’t want to hide their relationship, especially from the band. The band had their most trusted friends, their chosen family. How could they not tell them? But Namjoon wasn’t ready, so it would have to wait. Jin tried to not let it bother him. He knew that when the time was right, it would happen. He knew he had no right to dictate when and to who Namjoon came out to.
Logically, he knew this.
Emotionally, he wanted to go onto the roof with a megaphone and announce their relationship to the world and say “back off, this one’s mine”
The couples discussions around this topic had always been short, only averaging a few minutes.
“Is there anything I can do to help you be more comfortable with people knowing?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“I’m here to talk if you need, ok?”
“Yeah, thank you.”
Namjoon didn’t want to burden Jin with his closeted problems. He didn’t want to stress him out. Jin wanted to know what Namjoon was thinking. He wanted to know what scared him so much about coming out, not just because he was worried about his boyfriend, but because he wanted to understand. Neither of them were willing to voice that aloud, though.
Every relationship has its imperfections.
••••••••••••••••••
“Hey guys?” Hobi said during dinner that night. “I want to tell you something.”
That got everyone’s attention fast.
“What’s up?” Yoongi asked, setting down his chopsticks. You know it’s serious when everyone stops eating.
“This may be obvious to some of you but I just wanted to tell you…I’m gay,” Hobi said.
“HEYY, that’s great!” Jimin said, getting up to give his hyung a hug.
“Thanks for telling us,” Tae added.
“Thank god I’m not the only one anymore,” Jin said, smiling at his friend. Hobi laughed.
“You can continue eating,” he said, taking a sip of his sprite.
“Congrats,” Namjoon said, giving Hobi a small smile.
“Thanks,” he replied, going back to his noodles.
Namjoons head was suddenly filled with so many thoughts at once he thought he might pass out.
On the one hand, he was happy for his friend. On the other hand, he was envious.
How did he say it so easily? He came out in less than a minute. How does someone just say that so casually, get it over with so fast? I’m being mean. I should just be happy for him, it’s great that he felt comfortable enough to tell us. But I want that comfort. I want to tell everyone. Do all gay people just always feel good about themselves? Is it me that’s messed up? Should I just say it? Why can’t I just say it?
“Hey,” Jin said quietly. Namjoon looked at him with wide eyes. “Are you ok?” Jin asked, concerned.
“I…” Namjoon trailed off. He swallowed. “I need some air.” He stood and went to the hall before anyone could question him further.
Jin watched him leave the room, his heart sinking. He waited a minute before following.
“Hey,” Jin said, reaching for Namjoons shoulder. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?” Namjoon turned before Jin had a chance to grab his arm.
“How did he just…how did he say it so fast so easily like he could say it to…to people to a room of people he said it and then it was over,” Namjoon muttered, his words melding together as he paced back and forth.
“But you see, everyone was supportive and happy for him,” Jin said. Namjoon shook his head profusely.
“No, no you don’t get it.” He said, his eyes not daring to meet Jins as he continued to pace.
“Well what is it then?” Jin sighed, trying to quell his exasperation. It didn’t work. Namjoon could hear the frustration in his voice and pulled back, not voicing any thoughts aloud.
“Please,” Jin said after a moment. “Please just help me understand.”
Namjoon said nothing for a minute. His mind was still reeling, his pulse thundering.
“I’m not like you, ok? you have been sure of your sexuality since you were a teenager and i….i haven’t. not even close. i internalized this feeling of alienation and i harbored it inside me so long it’s a part of me. i don’t have the certainty and the confidence you have. i don’t know how to voice it aloud to people because it scares me to hear. i know there’s nothing wrong with me and i’m happy as your boyfriend, i really am, but sometimes…it all comes back to me screaming. the hatred i felt for myself. the crippling fear i felt when i realized i liked you. the journey to come to terms with all the baggage i have been carrying throughout my life. i want to let go of it, i want to be out with you so i can proudly say that i am your boyfriend but…it’s not as easy as either of us would like. and i’m sorry if this is stressing you out as well, but there is no way i am coming out before i’m ready. i know this is difficult for you, but think of how difficult it is for me.”
Jin was silent for a minute. “Namjoon, i am…” Namjoon braced himself for anger.
“i am so sorry I’ve made this process harder for you. i….that’s the last thing i want to do. your experiences are different than mine and i haven’t been mindful of that. i’m sorry. however long it takes, i will be here every step of the way to support you. i promise.”
Namjoon finally made eye contact with him, his eyes wide and brimming with tears.
“Y-you’re not angry?” He asked. Jin let out a soft laugh.
“No, I’m not angry. I’m sorry I haven’t been more present lately. I don’t want anything I do to cause you more pain.”
Namjoon blinked and the tears spilled from his eyes.
Jin went over to him and held him.
“You’ve been through so much,” he said quietly as Namjoon nestled his head in the crook of his neck. “You’ve come so far all on your own, and I will do anything to support you as you continue to feel more comfortable with yourself.”
“Thank you,” Namjoon said in a hushed voice.
“Thank you so much.”
Jin kissed the top of his head.
“Don’t mention it, gorgeous.”
••••••••••••••••••
Namjoon started doing therapy with a therapist specializing in the support of queer people. Between this and talking to Jin, he learned how to feel more comfortable in his identity. He began to combat what his therapist had labeled “internalized homophobia”. It wasn’t going to go away all at once; it may be a part of him for a long time. But for the first time, Namjoon felt the weight on his chest begin to lighten, and he knew he was going to be ok.
Jin and Namjoon were doing great. Naturally, they’d have the occasional argument, but they always made up and moved on. They went on dates and talked and laughed, they kissed and started to hold hands in public after two weeks of therapy.
Namjoon was sick in bed during the fourth week of therapy.
“Hey there,” Jungkook said as he entered the room.
“Hi,” Namjoon said, laying in bed with his sweatshirt hood up.
“Aren’t you hot wearing so many layers?”
Jungkook asked, checking Namjoons temperature.
“N-no,” Namjoon replied. “I’m actually freezing.”
“Well you’re burning up,” Jungkook replied, showing him the thermometer. “101.4 degrees Fahrenheit” [38 in Celsius.]
Namjoon groaned, closing his eyes.
“I never get sick,” he complained. “This is ludicrous,”
Jungkook shushed him.
“Just get some rest,” he said. “Do you need anything?”
Namjoon shook his head.
“I’m alright, thanks JK,” he smiled at the youngest.
“No problem,” Jungkook replied, standing. “Be thankful you get to miss dance today,” he added.
Namjoon raised his eyebrows.
“Why? I thought you liked dance practice,”
Jungkook nodded.
“Oh, I love dance practice. But we’re doing a competition today and I would’ve destroyed you,” he said sweetly.
Namjoon rolled his eyes.
“Alright, get out you little jerk,” he said with affection. Jungkook giggled and left the room. A minute later, the door opened again.
“Hey, how’s my favorite patient?” Jin asked, laying in the bed next to Namjoon.
“Not great, and you shouldn’t get too close to me otherwise you’ll get sick too,” Namjoon said with a sniff.
Jin scoffed.
“Please. We’re doing a dance competition today, and I’m not letting those guys make fun of me while my emotional support Joon isn’t there,” he lay his head on Namjoons chest. “I’m staying right here,” Namjoon laughed softly.
“Suit yourself,” he said resting his head on top of Jins.
“Plus,” Jin continued. “I am so tired,” he proved this by yawning. “I could fall asleep right now,” he said, closing his eyes.
Namjoon smiled and closed his eyes as well.
“Go for it,” he said. “I got nothing to do all day.”
Jin was really tired, apparently, because in a matter of minutes he was on the verge of passing out.
“I just want to stay here with the man I love,” he said sleepily, barely conscious.
Namjoons eyes snapped open.
“Say that again?” He asked.
“I said I want to stay here with the man I love,” Jin repeated, shifting a little. “My beautiful, talented, amazing boyfriend,” He continued.
“And he’s JACKED.”
Namjoon laughed softly.
“I love you too,” he said, his voice barely a whisper.
The reply was a snore from the now sleeping Jin. Namjoon watched as Jins chest rose and fell rhythmically with his breathing, basking in the ecstasy of what Jin had said.
“The man I love,” Namjoon repeated to himself.
He smiled. “I could get used to the title,”
He closed his eyes and fell asleep with a warmth engulfing his whole body. Suddenly, he wasn’t so cold.
••••••••••••••••••
Two months later, it was Jin and Namjoon’s 6 month anniversary. Jungkook texted them both.
happy anniversary u dorks💖
This was followed by another text.
i’ve kept ur guyss secret for 6 months and will require payment
And another.
i told everyone you’re visiting your families so go have fun doing whatever u want
Jin smiled at his phone. He replied to JK.
thanks jk, you’re the best💗💗
The reply came fast.
i know🙃
Namjoon had spent the night in Jins room, and wasn’t awake yet. Jin gazed at his sleeping boyfriend with affection. His hair was tousled from sleep and covering his left eye. His mouth was open just slightly, and his arm was draped across Jins chest. Slowly, he started to stir, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.
“Good morning, love,” Jin said. “Happy anniversary,” he kissed him on the forehead.
“Good morning to you too,” Namjoon said, stretching. “And happy anniversary my love.”
“I got you a present,” Jin said with a giddy smile. Namjoons mouth hung open with shock for a moment.
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he said with a smile.
“Oh, yes I did,” Jin said, reaching into the drawer of the night stand and pulling out a small bag. Namjoon opened the bag, pulling out tissue paper. He gasped.
“Oh my god, you didn’t.” He said. He held up the wooden figure that was in the bag. It was the last of a collection he had been wanting to put in his studio. But while he didn’t have them all, he didn’t want to have the others up.
“Thank you thank you thank you!” He said, hugging Jin with a wide smile.
“I have something for you too,” Namjoon said, putting the figure back into the bag. Jin smiled.
“You do?” He said. Namjoon nodded.
“Come on, I’ll show you,” namjoon grabbed Jins hand and lead him out of the room.
“I’m still in my pajamas!” Jin exclaimed, struggling to keep up with Joon who didn’t care that neither of them were wearing day clothes.
They went down the hall to the dining room where the other members were having breakfast. Namjoon opened the door, causing the members to look up.
“What are you guys doing here?” Tae asked. “Jungkook said you were visiting family,”
“Well…I’d like to say something,” Namjoon said, clutching Jins hand. Jin watched in disbelief. There was no way.
“…ok…” Jimin said slowly. “Go for it,”
Namjoon took a breath.
“Jin and I are in love,” he said. “I’m gay and I’m dating Jin and we’re in love,”
Jungkook’s mouth hung open.
Everyone else didn’t seem to be too shocked.
“Well, I mean, yeah,” Hobi said. “It was pretty obvious,”
“How many times are our meals going to be interrupted by people coming out?” Yoongi said with fake annoyance.
“Thanks for telling us,” Tae said, going back to his breakfast.
“Can I be best man at your wedding?” Jimin asked.
Jungkook scoffed.
“If anyone’s gonna be a best man, it’s me. I’ve known for 6 months!”
“I’m so glad you’re dating, Jins pining was embarrassing.” Yoongi teased.
Jin didn’t respond. He was staring at Namjoon in shock.
“You…you just did that,” he said, barely processing.
Namjoon smiled.
“Surprise!” He said happily.
“You didn’t do that because of me, right? That wasn’t because of me?”
Namjoon shook his head.
“Nope, I’ve been ready to tell them for a little bit now but I wanted it to be a surprise.”
Jin kissed him.
“I love you so much,” he said, a grin spreading across his face.
“I tend to have that effect on people,” Namjoon said with a laugh.
Jin paused.
“Are you happy you did it?” He asked.
Namjoon nodded slowly.
“Yeah. Yeah, I am.”
••••••••••••••••••
Ideas that started it all:
- coming out?? ooooh i like coming out ITS GIVING DAVID AND PATRICK FROM SCHITTS CREEK
- ok who’s coming out
- namjoon is coming out and jin is out
- hiding relationship from band
- only one who knows is Jungkook and that’s bc he found out some how
- it’s very much giving chandler and monica from friends but make it gay
- one of them is out as queer and the other isn’t which is what makes it difficult
- It’s also giving Nick and Charlie [HEARTSTOPPER SEASON 2 OUT ON AUGUST 3]
- PERSONAL AND RELATIONSHIP GROWTH!
- “do you want to tell them?”
- “yes”
- “do you know they’ll be supportive no matter what?”
- “yes”
- “then what’s stopping you?”
- “i am not like you, ok? you have been sure of your sexuality since you were a teenager and i….i havent. not even close. i internalized this feeling of alienation and i harbored it inside me so long it’s a part of me. i don’t have the certainty and the confidence you have. i don’t know how to voice it aloud to people because it scares me to hear. i know there’s nothing wrong with me and i’m happy as your boyfriend, i really am, but sometimes…it all comes back to me screaming. the hatred i felt for myself. the crippling fear i felt when i realized i liked you. the journey to come to terms with all the baggage i have been carrying throughout my life. i want to let go of it, i want to be out with you so i can proudly say that i am your boyfriend but…it’s not as easy as either of us would like. and i’m sorry if this is stressing you out as well, but there is no way i am coming out before i’m ready. i know this is difficult for you, but think of how difficult it is for me.
- Jin was silent for a minute. “Namjoon, i am…” Namjoon waited for the argument to start up again. “i am so sorry i have made this process harder for you. i….that’s the last thing i want to do. your experiences are different than mine and i haven’t been mindful of that. i’m sorry. however long it takes, i will be here every step of the way to support you. i promise.”