Chapter Text
Kazuha often found herself swallowing sentences, afraid of the silent stares and unsaid opinions that came with making her presence known.
Not that it mattered. Choosing not to act was an act in itself- the self-righteous knights of the world would still creatively spin tales of fiction in their loud mechanical language.
A dangerous balance game. One action could set her forwards and another action could set her back two spaces in the eyes of the public. An unfair game where there were no winners. Yet, she foolishly played along to their sudden rules and random expectations in hopes of gaining riches and recognition.
Lesserafim had largely succeeded in capturing an audience, not without mistakes or mishaps. Early on, they had already lost a member to a horrible scandal- it was an anxiety filled time for everybody when Garam left. They thought everything they worked for might be over before it could start. Luckily, they had managed to brave the storm, and were suffering from success in return.
Relief was only temporary. They would continue to be over-analyzed and picked apart by netizens, like inanimate dolls for show. Dancing on a string, Kazuha tried her best to please them, but it was for naught. The fact of the matter was, Idols were not treated like ordinary human beings, and they were supposed to be okay with that.
Chaewon had told her once in passing that, "True diamonds flourish under great pressure."
but she was beginning to think of herself as a worthless lump of coal, an inferior existence weathering the heat. But even the best pieces of coal would eventually crack, and these cracks were appearing one after the other, faster than she could repair.
The other members had vaguely sensed her distress, sending her positive smiles and warm hugs in hopes of cheering up the girl.
It wasn't enough.
A sweltering rage lay dormant within her, things that she normally brushed off began to irk her in ways it never did before. The offhand comments about their diet, the fabricated reactions expected of them, the teasing remarks said as jokes that hit a little too close to home. She was so close, so close to ruining it all. Dark thoughts drowned out oblivious chatter of her group mates, arguing over what to eat for dinner.
“Zuha? Do you want malatang or something healthy like those two?” Sakura angled her head towards Yunjin and Chaewon, still arguing with the maknae over the importance of healthy food.
“It doesn’t matter.” Kazuha mumbled, her mind elsewhere as she focused on picking at her manicured nails. Despite the insistence of their stylist, she had forgo the pretty nail art commonly seen on other idols in favour of the familiar texture of her orderly short nails.
Sakura looked at her as if she grew a second head. In a confusing lapse of silence, Kazuha realised how out of character it was for her to say such dismissive words.
“You okay?” Sakura squinted at her, face slowly morphing into one of concern. Sakura’s soothing tone whenever she spoke Japanese always calmed whatever frustrations the younger Japanese felt. This time however, not even that could stamp out her chaotic emotions- like whatever built up was finally starting to seep through the cracks.
“Yeah, I’ve just been tired.” Kazuha responds in their shared language, sinking further into the plush leather seat of the van. Somewhere inside of her she knew that had been a lie- her brain’s way of ignoring whatever was bothering her, but she accepted it nonetheless.
Sakura’s eyes darted over her face, looking for any indication of the truth hidden beneath her skin.The feeling settled so deep in her bones she could psychically feel the irritation. She wished to tell them, to empty her heart out and lay herself bare for everyone to see but she couldn’t. The thought of what happened was enough to dry her mouth like the Sahara desert, and lock her jaw as if it was never meant to open.
Eventually Sakura’s gaze slid off her, turning around to engage in the current argument with the others.
Kazuha sighed in relief, blinking away new tears that threatened to spill at the corner of her eyes. She watched her reflection upon the car window, forcing a smile on her face as they pulled up to their dormitory.
****
With no one to stop her at this hour, she stepped onto the artificially lit streets of Seoul, a chill invading the moderately thick hoodie she had tossed on before sneaking out the dorm. Donned with a mask and cap, she strolled through her neighbourhood, observing the people passing by with semi-interest. Her footsteps had come to a halt at the familiar colours of green, red and orange, the inviting warmth of the convenience store beckoning her to enter.
Kazuha swung open the door casually, a nod from the cashier at her appearance. Although it was nearly 12 am when she had set out, Seoul was still bustling with people from all walks of life, in fact, it wasn't even rare to run into another colleague.
She quietly made her way to the back of the store, opting for the first can of beer she could find, no particular brand in mind. She just needed to be able to sleep tonight, nothing but alcohol could give her the peace of mind she so desperately needed. The voices had begun anew, darker, more intense than before. The cashier scanned the item lazily, handing her back the card in similar fashion, attention already focusing elsewhere. Kazuha mumbled a word of thanks before walking away with the lonely can hanging by her side, condensation sticking to the biodegradable plastic bag.
On her way out, a rushing figure bumped into her, spilling lukewarm coffee all over her padded jacket.
“Oh, I’m so sorry!” The figure exclaimed through their cloth mask, blurting a flurry of apologies. The woman was dressed head to toe in inconspicuous clothing, hair tied up messily behind a cap.
Kazuha blinked in disbelief for a moment, the smell of coffee permeating the air and the uncomfortable feeling of wet clothing sending a chill down her spine.
The world was against her.
“It’s alright… just be more careful next time.” Kazuha said with a smile so forced it almost looked like a grimace. Just as she was about to go on with her terrible night, the woman said something that stopped her in her tracks entirely.
“Kazuha-nim?" The brown-haired woman's voice peaked in surprise.
"Do I know you? If not, please buzz off i'm not in the mood too-"
"It's me, Yizhuo." She cut her off, pulling her into one of the empty aisles of the store. She lowered her hat, revealing the familiar face of one Korea's top girl groups, Ningning of Aespa.
For the second time tonight, Kazuha was at a loss for words.
“Ningning-sunbaenim… I’m sorry for being rude to you earlier, I should have noticed.” Kazuha said, flustered from her earlier choice of words.
The other woman quickly brushed her off, smiling at her embarrassed expression.
“Don’t mind it. You were right to be harsh with me earlier.” Ningning paused to look at the now forgotten can of beer Kazuha was still holding. “You okay?” the older woman asked with a newfound concern.
Kazuha just sighed in response, not knowing whether or not to spill all her ridiculous thoughts with inhibitions.
“I don’t know what you’re going through but….” Ningning looked behind Kazuha, pointing to one of the fridges stocked to the brim with soju, “Soju is always more effective. You fall asleep better too. The aftermath is well.. Good luck.” she joked, taking two bottles and proceeding to the sleepy cashier.
After buying it despite Kazuha’s objections, they strolled side by side down Seoul’s dormant streets, the Aespa member leading her into some unknown direction.
No words were shared between them, just both of them relishing in the comfortable silence.
They ended up at a Hangang park, -fairly deserted for the time- sitting close enough for their knees to knock against one another. Neither wished to think of the implications of their actions, just letting their minds float away with the current of the river.
"How did you know it was me?" Kazuha whispered, despite no one being in earshot to recognise her voice.
Ningning stayed quiet for a moment, thinking over the question seriously.
"I don’t know, it was like I hoped someone like me would be out at this time. Maybe subconsciously, I was looking out for anyone I recognized. Then when I saw you, and heard your voice, I was just happy to find somebody I knew."
Kazuha remained silent, surprised at the girl's honest reply. The life of an idol was one of loneliness. You never were alone, staff members, stage crew and fellow idols to keep you company, but there was always a distance. An imaginary line that cleanly separated normal society from celebrities. Many well known idols struggle to live a peaceful life after retiring, the stage persona like a shackle preventing them from entering a new stage in life. She thought back to an interview with Girls Generation members, some of them talking about how their life “froze” at 16. She didn’t want that. She didn’t want to end up like them in her thirties. That interview had woken her up from the rose-coloured reality she was living.
This realisation, along with the fact that the entire country was watching them, waiting for cracks to show like eagles ready to spring into action, worried Kazuha constantly, a sticky feeling she could not get rid of.
They both sat in silence for an unknown period of time, processing their thoughts and emotions.
“I don’t know if I want to keep doing this.” Kazuha eventually said. It was like a heavy weight had been removed. A smidge of fear creeped at the back of her mind, like putting those words out into the world made them more true and valid.
Ningning took another moment to process the meaning of those words, taking it into herself, and comparing it with her own worries.
“You do? But we have just only begun, Kazuha. I don’t know whether to comfort you, motivate you or to sympathise with you. Let me ask you one thing. When you joined Lesserafim, was this what you wanted to do?” Ningning asked, looking her straight in the eyes.
Kazuha couldn’t help but notice her beautiful doll eyes, something she had probably gotten complimented for numerous times already. Kazuha scolded herself mentally before replying, almost forgetting the question altogether.
“ I wanted to do it. I wanted to see what our team was capable of but…”
“But what?” Ningning repeated to regain her attention.
“I don’t know anymore if this is what I’m really meant to be doing. The people they always say-”
“Don’t listen to the people.” Ningning cut her off.
“Listen to yourself, Kazuha. Only you, and I mean that seriously, only you know what you’re truly capable of.”
Kazuha stayed quiet for the rest of their meeting. Internalising everything. She would try, she would try to listen to herself, and ignore the intrusive thoughts screaming at her to quit now and save herself the embarrassment.
They both parted their separate ways soon after, the sounds of wildlife reminding them of the upcoming job they had to do.
Kazuha slept well that night.