Chapter Text
Tooru realized Urie was in love with him at 3 am on a Wednesday morning.
He’d had a nightmare. Which wasn’t unusual. He could never remember them (blurs, flashes, knives in his hand, screaming, blood, their bodies warm and moving under him as he stabbed and stabbed and laughed and screamed) but they definitely happened. When he woke up, he could never go back to sleep (he didn’t deserve sleep, deserved to die, deserved to be alone, deserved to scream and scream as he died the way everyone did) so he usually sat with a book in the main room of the Chateau, sprawled on one of the couches.
“It’s three am. Why are you awake?”
The boy looked up to see Urie, standing a few feet away from him. He had his earbuds in, wearing an all black tracksuit and for a few seconds it felt like it had before (before Tooru had ruined everything and ruined the only people to ever care about him and everything had shattered under his knives).
But then he pulled one out and looked at Tooru intensely, and he realized that it was not the same way it was before and that (hurt, hurt, because he’d ruined it, ruined everything, maybe if he’d been able to succeed at anything, maybe it would be ok, maybe he’d be ok if he hadn’t ruined it all, if that bitch- no, it was only his fault, he’d been the one to leave) was ok, it had to be ok.
“I couldn’t sleep. Why are you awake?”
“Early morning training.”
“For what? We’re not investigators anymore.”
Urie shrugged. “I like doing it.”
And Tooru was not one to comment on what he was pretty sure was an unhealthy coping mechanism, so he just nodded.
(It was better than what he did, killing and killing and killing)
Instead of leaving like Tooru had figured he would, the black-haired boy sat down next to him on the couch. Without really meaning too he pulled his legs closer to his chest, trying to block the fact that he wasn’t wearing a binder. Urie did not say anything for a few seconds. “What are you reading?”
“Um… one of the fantasy books I found… upstairs.”
He knew what upstairs meant. Upstairs. The room that had never really been touched. The only room in the house with books non-related to investigating. The room that they all danced around, doing their best to not really acknowledge.
(According to Saiko he’d said it was ok if they used any of the things in there because he wasn’t coming back, he was never coming back, it was different, he’d abandoned Tooru forever for some bitch- no, not her fault, it was his fault, if he’d been better, if Sensei had ever cared about him-)
“Is it good?”
Tooru did not remember a single word from the entire book. It was all a blur in his head, the way so many things were. So he just shrugged. “It’s fine.”
“I’m… glad. That it’s good.”
“Thanks.”
“You can talk to me.”
“I know?”
“I mean about… shit, I’m… I know you had a nightmare.”
“Oh.” Tooru looked down at the book (not his book, his book) and tried not to think.
“We all have nightmares. About shit. We’ve all been through shit. So I can… help you through shit.”
Without meaning to, Tooru scoffed. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew what I…”
(What he dreamt about, what he had done, what he’d wanted to do, what he’d felt like he’d needed to do, what he’d almost done, what sometimes he still deep down wanted to do)
“I know.”
“You don’t.”
“I don’t. Because you don’t talk to us. Me or Yonebayashi.”
“I don’t need to talk to either of you.”
“It is three am, and you’re sitting down here staring into space and pretending to read a book.”
“You’re down here too.”
“Yeah, but I’m down here because I’m about to leave and go train. What are you doing?”
“Just…” Tooru couldn’t think of anything to say after that, so he just shook his head.
“You can tell me whatever you need to. I am… here for you.”
Tooru laughed. “Did Yonebayashi coach you through what to say?”
“I’m not very experienced at this.”
“What? Emotions?”
“Yes. I don’t have a lot of practice with them.”
“Oh. Wasn’t expecting you to say that out loud.”
Urie shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable. “You knew.”
“Yeah, but there’s a difference between knowing something and having them just… tell you.”
“I did it badly, but I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. If you wanted to talk about your nightmares or… anything else.”
Anything else. There were so many things that went into that category, Tooru wasn’t sure he could talk about them all. There wasn’t enough time in his life for that.
“I’m fine.”
“Stop giving me that bullshit.”
Urie’s voice rose a little- not yelling, but still a little bit louder than it had been before. Tooru shrank a little bit more without meaning to, and the other boy caught that, lowering his voice again.
“You never talk to any of us. Half of the time you’re holed up in your room or off fighting Dragon Children with Suzuya or… Yonebayashi is worried about you.”
“She put you up to this?”
“No.”
He didn’t deserve to be worried over. He didn’t need it, anyway. He’d been fending for himself for his whole life. No one had saved him from the hell of his parents’ home. The one time he had depended on other people, (liar, he was always depending on other people, he was weak and useless and and and) he’d ended up being abandoned.
If he told Urie or Yonebayashi anything about his mind, about what his head had been like for the past few months, they’d get freaked out and worried that he’d murder them the same way he did his family (blur, all a blur, blood on his skirt, wood in his hands, his father screaming, him screaming, always someone fucking screaming) and they’d abandon him (a cave, darkness, hands on his throat, a blur, a blur, blood on his face, too warm, too warm, why hadn’t he saved him, why hadn’t he died?) and he’d be alone.
His fingernails dug into his palms. He kept them long for that reason. To punish his wrong body, his broken mind. He deserved it. Deserved any pain, all pain.
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” His voice was high. Too high. Wrong, wrong, wrong wrong (men staring at him, it was where he belonged, not boy enough, not girl enough, nothing enough, never enough).
Urie gestured at his hands. “You’re cutting yourself with your fingernails.”
“I’m… not…”
“I smell your blood.”
Oh. He was bleeding. A drop of blood, bubbling up from the crescent shaped wound in his hand and slowly running down his palm.
“You shouldn’t do that to yourself.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t.”
“If I didn’t, then I might… hurt someone else.”
(And they didn’t deserve it, he deserved it, he deserved it all, screaming, blood, too much blood, stabbing and killing and stabbing and killing and-)
Urie would leave him, the same way everyone left him eventually, the way he had left him, the way he was always going to be left behind.
“You won’t.”
“You don’t know that!”
“I’ll stop you. I’m still stronger than you. If you’re about to hurt someone else, I’ll make sure I don’t.”
“I’ve hurt you before.”
“And I’ve hurt you.” Urie shrugged. “We’ve hurt each other. We’re both fucked up.”
“I-”
“You stayed with me, after I hurt you.”
“That-”
“So I’m going to stay with you. No matter what you do to me.”
“What if… I kill you?”
Tooru didn’t mean to say that. He shouldn’t have said that. Urie would leave him, kick him out of the Chateau, he’d be alone forever- he was shaking. When had he started shaking?
(Kill him, hurt him, don’t let him leave you, never let him leave you)
Someone touched his hand. A glove. One of Urie’s. “Is that what you dream about?” he said, nearly impossibly quiet.
Tooru couldn’t make himself move. Couldn’t make his mouth open. Apparently that was enough of an answer.
And Urie didn’t leave. He just stayed on the couch, one hand covering Tooru’s.
“I used to genuinely want to kill Kuroiwa. I used to imagine watching him die in front of me and laughing because that bastard got what he deserved. I used to fantasize about it.” He paused and took a deep breath. “And- and you know what I was like when we first met. I genuinely did not care if any of you lived or died. If it would have advanced my career, I would have let you die.”
“I know.”
“I’ve done bad things too, Mutsuki.”
“But I still… sometimes I…”
“But you don’t do them.”
Tooru froze, his next words dying in his mouth. “But I… I wanted to,” he said weakly.
“But you didn’t.”
“Don’t you understand? I could have! I… I could kill all of you at any time!”
“But we’re all still alive.”
“Why aren’t you fucking afraid of me?” The words were almost a scream, ripped out of his throat.
“Because I see you. I see that you are… you’re good. A good person, who’s done some bad things. That doesn’t change anything.”
Urie wasn’t leaving. He was staying, he was staying, he was staying, and Tooru didn’t know what to do.
“Why?” he whispered. “Don’t you understand that there’s something wrong with me?”
“We signed up for an operation that would turn us into half-ghouls. I think there might be something wrong with all of us.”
“You don’t-”
“I understand enough to know that you’re one of the most amazing, kindest people I’ve ever met and you would never willingly hurt any of us and I am never, ever going to lose you again.”
Urie blushed. Actually blushed, as soon as he’d said all of that. It made sense. People said things at three am they didn’t necessarily mean to say or wouldn’t say otherwise. And did things.
LIke sobbing, burying their heads into their knees and shaking.
Tooru wasn’t going to be alone. He believed Urie. He wouldn’t be alone. Urie wouldn’t abandon him. He wasn’t him.
He’d seen the darkest parts of Tooru over and over and over and over again, and he still stayed. Said he would stay.
He knew about the dark things inside of Tooru, the bad thoughts and impulses and memories, and he wasn’t scared away. He stayed. He would stay.
Of course. Tooru should have known. He wasn’t going to be alone. Urie had had so many chances to abandon him, to kill him the way he deserved, and had always refused. He wasn’t going to leave.
Maybe if he told himself that enough times, he’d believe it.
Maybe if he said it enough times, he’d start to think that maybe he deserved to not be abandoned.
It was always fighting inside of him. The desperate, desperate need to not be left behind, the urge to kill and hurt and hurt and kill just to stop people from leaving him. And the thoughts reminding him that he was a monster, unlovable, and that he deserved to be alone, deserved to die, deserved to be abandoned.
But then Urie hesitantly, awkwardly, put an arm around his shoulders, and the war went away.
“Is this ok?” the other boy asked, sounding weirdly nervous. He never got nervous, and if he did, he never showed it. No, that was the old Urie. The new one, the one who had grown from death and rot and corruption to become someone better, cared so, so deeply about people. He struggled to show it, but it was clear to anyone who knew him well that he would die for any of the Quinxes or his other friends. The old Urie would never have stayed with Tooru. Would never have even given him a glance as he walked by the couch.
Would never have tried to comfort him, much less felt nervous that he was going to hurt him.
He had grown so much, and in that moment, despite everything, Tooru felt a tingle of pride for his friend, who had become so much stronger and better in every way while Tooru usually felt like he’d only gotten worse in every way.
Urie was safe. He would never hurt Tooru. Not like his father, not like Torso, not like the men who usually tried to touch him.
But still, his instincts screamed at him to run (to grab a weapon, to stab, stab, stab, to kill, kill, kill, to watch the blood pool beneath him and feel the power over life and death in his hands).
“I don’t deserve it,” he whispered, hardly even hearing what he was saying.
“You do. You do deserve it. You deserve me helping you, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be alive. You deserve it all.”
If someone had told him two years ago that Urie of all people had been saying that to him, Tooru would never have believed him. He remembered joking with Saiko and Shirazu (it still hurt, he was gone, gone, gone, he’d left, Tooru hadn’t been able to stop him from leaving) about how he never seemed to have any real emotions. They’d said he’d be the first to quit, the first to move to a new squad to advance himself.
The war had made him a better person. While Tooru, it’d just broken down and made into something worseless.
“I hate myself,” he sobbed.
“We all do sometimes. You’re still good. Still… good.”
But he wasn’t still good. He would never be good again. Still, when Urie was with him, talking to him, saying things he just sensed that the other boy felt with his whole heart, he felt like maybe his life actually had some meaning.
Without meaning to, he curled up into Urie’s side, still sobbing. The other boy stiffened for a few seconds before relaxing, readjusting his arm around Tooru.
He felt safe. Completely safe. Like he was genuinely loved by someone who would never do anything to hurt him. Who would never leave him.
Someone who he almost believed wouldn’t leave him.
At some point he must have fallen asleep or something. When he opened his eyes again, Urie was still there, holding him to his chest and staring down at him with a strange look in his eyes.
It wasn’t hungry or wanting. Not like the way Tooru was used to men looking at him. It was soft and light, more like a hug than a chokehold. It was full of wanting and hopes and dreams, not simply lust. It was like Urie was staring at everything he’d ever needed, ever wanted, everything that had ever mattered to him.
It was the same way he had looked at her in the coffee shop. Happy, joyful, dreaming, full of heartbreak and loss and wishes for the future that might happen, might not happen, but even if he never got what he wanted, it would all be worth it. It was full of… love.
Oh, Tooru thought. It hit him, then. He wanted to deny it. It was almost impossible to believe. Because why? No, it couldn’t be real.
Urie couldn’t possibly be in love with him.
**************************************************************************************************************
Tooru didn’t really wake up until he was standing outside in the cold winter air and had no idea where he was.
The sun was up, so he’d probably been out for a while. He had a long stream of messages from Saiko asking where he was and if he was ok and…
Saiko Yonebayashi :): Kuki looked worried abt u u dont have to tell me what happened but im worried 2 i hope ur ok i love u
Had he done something? What had he done? What if he’d hurt Urie before he’d left or hurt some random stranger or anyone or everyone and…
Tooru’s legs were weak. He staggered over to a bench looking out to the narrow street and sat down heavily.
People walked nearby. Talking, laughing, holding bags and each others’ hands, smiling. Cars drove by. The air was cold, but that didn’t seem to bother them. They were warm and smiling and happy.
Tooru had always liked the cold more than the heat (heat was his father’s house, heat was his hands on him, heat was the fires he’d set, heat was blood on his skin), but in that moment, he wished it were a little bit warmer. He wasn’t wearing anything besides the oversize t-shirt he usually slept in and long pants. Not even shoes. He had apparently left the Chateau in a hurry.
It wasn’t snowing, but the clouds were heavy in the air, like it was going to snow relatively soon. The people didn’t really seem to mind. They just kept walking and talking and laughing like nothing was wrong, like someone wasn’t in love with Tooru.
That had to be wrong. He had to be wrong. Maybe he was just tired, imagining things. Maybe he was just… no. He knew.
Urie was in love with him. Somehow, one of the smartest people Tooru knew had been stupid enough to fall in love with him.
When had that happened? How had it happened? Why had it happened?
Of course Tooru had known deep down that Urie loved him (even if he didn’t deserve it, even if he deserved to be alone, even if all love did was hurt) but he’d always thought it was just how Saiko loved the two of them or how he loved Juuzou. They were his family and he cared about them in that way, but not anything beyond that. How had he gotten it wrong?
Torso had said he was in love with Tooru. He’d always looked at him hungrily, like he was just a piece of meat (ready to be eaten and played with and reshaped into a monster, blood all over them both) but Urie had never looked at him like that. He protected Tooru. From everything. Even himself, sometimes.
That meant he wasn’t in love with him. Because if he were in love with Tooru, he’d try to hurt him. He’d try to take the things he loved away from him because he just wanted him all to himself, cut him, destroy his home, try to kill the person he loved…
Tooru doubled over, clutching at his head. God, god, god, god… he refused. He refused to let Urie be in love with him, because that would ruin everything (he’d betray him and hurt him because that was all love was, love meant pain and greed and betrayal and heartbreak and he should just die).
“Uh… you good?”
A man with messy blond hair was standing a few feet away from him. He had glasses and looked vaguely familiar. When he made eye contact with Tooru, he flinched. “Oh shit, you’re one of the Quinxes!”
“You work at the cafe.”
“Yeah… uh, you’re not going to blow it up again, right?”
For some reason, the words did not fully register in Tooru’s brain. “What?”
“I mean, you’re sitting out here in the cold wearing no shoes rocking back and forth clutching your head. I’m not a doctor, but that doesn’t seem very… mentally healthy to me.”
The green-haired boy blinked. And then he was laughing, doubling over again but that time cackling hysterically. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was just because everything was god-awful and he was cursed and his friend was in love with him and then he was crying, wiping tears away frantically while the familiar-looking guy whose name he did not remember stared at him in horror.
“Are you… yep, ok, this is… I do not get paid enough for this.” He pulled out his phone, looking at something on the screen and frowning while Tooru had a breakdown a few feet away from him.
“Your asshole friend’s apparently really worried about you. He messaged a shitload of us saying that we should keep an eye out for you.”
“What?”
“Yeah, it looks like… damn, there are a lot of us in this group message. Some of these people I don’t know. What the hell?”
“You have Urie’s number?” Tooru was not sure why that was what he was focusing on.
“Yeah. I got it at one of the coffee meetups.”
Oh. Right. Every few weeks, a lot of the people who’d been directly involved with Goat and ending Furuta met up at :re to… hang out? It was weird. Half ghouls, full ghouls, former CCG members, Quinxes, normal humans who just showed up… nearly everyone there had tried to kill each other multiple times. Tooru had never been. He didn’t see the point of meeting up with people who’d either tried to kill him or who he’d tried to kill. And he (was a coward, a spineless piece of shit, he deserved to die for what he did) really, really did not want to see him.
Urie and Saiko had been. Tooru wasn’t sure why. They hadn’t forced him to go, thankfully.
“So you’re… friends?”
“I dunno. Kaneki wants all of us to be friends and shit but… whatever.” The blonde man frowned down at his phone. “Damn, he’s texting all of us again. He sounds stressed.”
“I…”
“What, is he your boyfriend?”
That made Tooru start crying again. The blonde man sighed. “What the hell? Did you guys break up or some shit?”
Between sobs, Tooru shook his head. He was well aware of the looks the people walking by were giving him, but he didn’t care. The man sighed, sitting down next to him (too close, too close, Tooru didn’t know him, man touching him, hands on his thighs, crying, screaming, blood, blood, blood) and looking back down at his phone.
“I’m gonna text him back. I don’t know what the hell is going through your head, but even if you guys broke up or had a fight or… whatever, I don’t really care, he’d want to know you’re alive.”
(He was just trying to control him, he wanted to own him, the way men always did, he’d never cared, he just wanted him, he was going to hurt Tooru, Tooru was going to kill him)
The man sent the message. Almost instantly, his phone buzzed over and over again. “Damn, can this kid never shut the hell up? God. Anyway, so. You’re Mutsuki.”
“Y-yeah.”
“My name’s Nishio. We’ve probably tried to kill each other at some point.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh, really?”
“I remember everyone.”
“Great. Makes you better than me, that’s for damn sure. Are you gonna talk about why you’re sitting on a random road at least four miles from the place where you live at eleven o’clock in the morning wearing nothing but a t-shirt and pants? And why some teenage asshole keeps blowing up my phone asking if you’re alive, but you don’t want to talk to him?”
Tooru shook his head.
“Well, too bad. We’re going to talk about it, because my girlfriend says I need to be nicer to people, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. I helped save the goddamned city, didn’t I?” Nishio sighed, shaking his head. “Whatever. Doesn’t matter. Anyway-”
“You shouldn’t be nice to me.”
“What?”
“I could kill you right now.”
“Yep. You could. Just like how I could kill you right now. I’m just choosing not to because I’m so goddamned nice.”
“But-”
“You’re a kid who’s obviously dealing with shit alone in the cold. I may be an asshole, but I’m not that much of an asshole. Urie’s coming to get you. :re’s about three blocks up the road. C’mon, let’s go. It’ll be warmer in there.”
“I can’t.”
“Why? Because you lit it on fire?”
Tooru didn’t answer.
“Kirishima and I spent, like, two years trying to murder each other every time we saw each other, and she let me work there. I think she’ll be ok with you spending an hour inside so you don’t freeze to death.”
It was different. It was so, so, so different for him because of… because…
Everything. Every goddamned thing.
“Listen,” Nishio said as he stood up. “I’m cold, and I’ve been out here for like five minutes in a coat. You have been out here in nearly nothing for hours. If you weren’t a Quinx, I’d be genuinely worried about hypothermia. We need to get you inside. It doesn't matter if you’re really hard to kill, in theory, it’s still possible. And if you died after I found you, Urie would never shut the fuck up about it, so just come with me to the goddamned coffeeshop.”
His voice was loud, and he sounded annoyed. Instinctively Tooru hunched lower, shaking his head. He needed his binder. Maybe if he was wearing a binder, he’d feel safer. Maybe if he could pretend to be a real boy and do it well, the strange man wouldn’t touch him. He’d be safe (he’d never be safe, everyone wanted to hurt him, everyone would hurt him, he’d hurt everyone, didn’t they deserve it, they all deserved it, kill them all, kill them all).
“Oh, what… I’ll buy you coffee and some… can you even eat human food? Whatever, I’ll buy you a goddamned cup of coffee and some cake. Kids like cake, right? Jesus… look, I’m not just gonna stand out here in the cold like an idiot so for the love of God, will you please just come to the cafe so Urie doesn’t stab me?”
“No.” Tooru was genuinely surprised his voice still worked.
“No? What do you mean, no?”
“I said no!”
“No to what? Not freezing to death? I don’t know you and I don’t know what’s going on with you but you can not be older than seventeen, and my girlfriend would literally murder me if- oh. Oh shit. You’re… oh.” His voice became much, much quieter at the end as he trailed off, shaking his head.
“I… shit, I’m… how do I… God, I’m not equipped to handle this…” He looked up at the sky for a few seconds before looking back at Tooru, looking like he was trying to soften his face. “Listen. Mutsuki. I don’t know you, like I said, but I promise, I’m not going to do anything to hurt you. A shitload of the scariest people I’ve ever met would be very, very mad at me if I did that. I’m safe, I promise. I’m sorry I got loud there, I just… am not great at this whole… being nice thing. Please, come with me to :re. I won’t force you to, but it’s the safest thing to do for both of us. We’ll find you a coat there. You’ll be safe there. And if Urie hurt you or something-”
“He didn’t.” He wouldn’t (except that he would because he loved him and love meant pain, love meant destruction, love meant hands on him and screaming and stabbing over and over and lips forced onto his, love meant nothing but hurting him).
“It doesn’t matter right now. Please, just… come with me. We’ll deal with everything else later.”
“I can’t see them.”
“I don’t know who they are, but we’ll make sure you don’t.”
“Kaneki. Kirishima.” (Kill them, kill him, he’d abandoned him, he deserved to die, that bitch deserved to die, he deserved to be dead, why hadn’t they just killed him)
“Oh. Shit. Well. Can’t really… uh… I’ll ask them to stay away, alright?”
And for whatever reason, Tooru stood up and got up off the bench, following the man down the sidewalk and into the coffee shop. His head was starting to get blurry again, and he felt a strange kind of disconnect from his body.
It was a blur. Everything was a blur. He was sitting at a table (not the same table he’d sat at before everything had broken, he’d destroyed that table, it was gone in the fire, burnt away) and someone had given him a hot cup of coffee and put a jacket over his shoulders. People were whispering behind him, but he couldn’t hear. Everything felt like it was faded and washed out. Everything around him felt wrong, wrong, he was wrong.
He shouldn’t be there. That was the only thing he knew for certain.
“So,” Nishio said, sitting down across from him. He was wearing a different outfit- much more like what waiters wore than his previous t-shirt. “Kaneki says he hopes you feel better soon. He isn’t even here today. Too busy staring wistfully at Touka and the baby to come to work.”
“The baby?”
“Oh yeah, I guess you wouldn’t have heard. They had their daughter a few weeks ago. She’s cute, I guess. You should meet her.”
Tooru frantically shook his head, and Nishio frowned deeper. “I really don’t… ok. Whatever. You know I tried to kill both of them too, right? Well, mostly just Kaneki. Touka was the one to nearly kill me. And now I work with them and we’ve moved past it. Basically everyone in Goat has tried to kill each other at some point. We’ve moved past it.”
It was different, it was so different. Because they had changed, they had become better people, and Tooru…
(Kill her, she doesn’t deserve him, kill her, kill the baby, hear them scream and scream and feel the hot blood)
“I don’t want to see the baby.”
“Kaneki hasn’t exactly told me everything that happened with you, but-”
“I don’t want to see the baby!”
“Ok, ok, whatever. Just like how you don’t want to talk about whatever happened to make you think sitting outside with no shoes in freezing weather was a great idea?”
“I…” Tooru swallowed. “I do this… thing. Sometimes. Where I kind of… dissociate. And I do things that I don’t remember doing later.”
“Like…”
“Hopefully today it was just walking around. But I don’t remember, and I…”
“There hasn’t been anything on the news about some teenager with knives killing anyone, so you’re probably good there.”
Tooru sighed, leaning his head back slightly in relief. Nishio looked at him closely.
“Look. I don’t know you, so feel free to completely fucking ignore me, but are you in therapy?”
“No.”
“Have you thought about it? There are some… ghoul therapists that have been popping up lately. They can probably help, and while they won’t understand exactly-”
“I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“Because… because.”
“Shit, kid, I’m not exactly a licensed therapist. I can’t really help you here. But I… feel like maybe you should at least think about it. It might be good for you.”
“I don’t want it.”
“Ok. Whatever. So, what happened with you and Urie?”
Tooru shook his head again. “I just… freaked out about something.”
“I’m serious, if he did something to hurt you-”
“He didn’t.” (He would, he would soon enough, all men did)
“Yeah, ok, I didn’t think he would. That guy is… I’m really surprised you two aren’t dating, to be honest. He talks about you a lot. A hell of a lot. He’d die for you.”
“I know.” And Tooru had nearly killed him. He’d ran away because he didn’t trust him. God, why was he so fucked up? He buried his head in his hands for a few seconds while Nishio just stared at him.
“Well, I guess… uh… good talk? I need to get back to work.”
“Thanks.”
“Whatever. Like I said, my girlfriend would kill me if she knew I left a teenager alone like that. And Urie would probably rip me to pieces. Hell, a lot of people would probably at least try to hurt me badly.” The blonde man nodded, still looking kind of awkward, and got up and walked away. He didn’t seem like the type of guy who liked talking about emotional stuff. Someone had probably made him.
But he had been… not nice, exactly, but he’d tried. At least.
A few minutes later, Urie and Saiko tore into the shop. Instantly the blue-haired girl ran over to Tooru, grabbing him by the shoulders. “What were you thinking, idiot?” she snapped, but she probably wasn’t actually angry. “Saiko was so worried about you!” Her eyes filled with tears and she pulled Tooru closer to her, hugging him tightly.
“Sorry?”
“Don’t do it again!”
“Are you ok?” Urie asked, much quieter than Saiko. He was standing a few feet away with his arms crossed over his chest, looking slightly awkward. The few people in the coffee shop were all staring at the teenagers. Tooru felt his shoulders shrinking in slightly (danger, they all saw him, they all wanted to hurt him, all of them, no one ever not wanted to hurt him), and Saiko noticed, pulling away from him.
“I’m fine.”
“I don’t think you are.”
“I’m fine!”
“Ok.” The purple-haired boy handed him a small bag. “Your coat’s in there. And some things besides pajamas.”
Tooru nodded at him (so thoughtful, so kind, he didn’t deserve him, he was going to hurt him, one of the last people in the world who he trusted was going to hurt him) and grabbed the bag, getting up and walking to the bathrooms. Nishio tried to make eye contact with him behind the counter. He ignored that.
In the bag was exactly what Urie had said- his coat, gloves, pants, a turtleneck sweater, and his binder. Urie had thought to put his binder into the bag.
For a few seconds, Tooru could do nothing but stare at it. He ran one hand along the fabric, the same fabric it’d been since he’d bought it. Urie had gone with him to the store where he tried them on. He’d said that binding his chest with bandages wasn’t healthy and he needed to take care of himself. Tooru had never questioned how he knew that. It was right after everything with the dragon, and the world had been sort of… hazy.
He’d finished fighting. He hadn’t known what to do when he couldn’t (stab, stab, kill, scream) fight. But Urie had been there for him, making sure he took care of himself, making sure he didn’t try to hurt himself… always there. Always. For six months, he’d been there for Tooru.
That wasn’t the kind of thing someone who was in love with him did. Saiko and Juuzou had both supported him too, and they weren’t in love with him, they just loved him. But the way Urie had looked at him, like he was his everything… the way he had looked at her…
And Urie had remembered to bring his binder. He remembered everything Tooru had ever told him. His favorite foods, color, animal, clothes… everything. He’d apparently texted the entirety of Goat and maybe even Tokyo looking for him.
Tooru didn’t fully understand the difference between love and being in love. But he was pretty sure that the way Urie looked at him…
It was different from the way he looked at everyone else.
So that was it. Urie was definitely in love with him.
What exactly should he do about that? What could he do?
(Run away, get away, be safe before he could hurt him, hurt him first)
No. No. Urie wasn’t like that. He was better than Tooru, better than anyone else he’d ever met. He wouldn’t be like his father, like Torso, like Tooru.
He couldn’t be.
Tooru walked out of the bathroom, carefully not making eye contact with anyone in the building. He met his friends, still standing by the table. Saiko reached over and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the car while lecturing him about remembering to grab his coat before he went out and tell them and he needed to eat something and sit by a fire, they’d watch movies and she’d get the second generation to come down and they’d order pizza and cake and she’d show him one of her favorite animes and was there anything he needed on the way home?
“Did I hurt someone?” Tooru whispered.
Neither of them spoke for a few seconds. Then Urie said, as he got into the driver’s seat of the car, “No. You didn’t hurt anyone.”
“You nearly gave Saiko a heart attack!”
“Besides for the overdramatic gamer girl.”
“Hey!”
“Are you sure?”
“No. I just woke up and you were gone. I haven’t heard anything about anyone being hurt. You’re ok.”
Tooru relaxed, taking a deep breath. “I’m glad.”
“Wait, were you two sleeping together?” Saiko asked, grinning maniacally. Instantly Urie started shaking his head, cranking up the car.
“Don’t be stupid, of course we weren’t.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Yonebayashi, please. Please just… be quiet.”
The blue-haired girl smirked even wider. “Aw, Kuki, did-”
“Please shut up.”
Tooru pretended to laugh, but he was sure his friends saw through that. Saiko got serious again, turning around to face him. “Are you sure you’re ok? You haven’t dissociated like that in…”
“I said I’m fine. I’m fine.”
They very clearly did not believe him. “Remember what we talked about,” Urie said softly. “We’re here for you. We want to help you.”
And the ironic thing was, if it was any other problem, Tooru would have let them. Even if he’d actually killed someone again, he’d have trusted him.
But he hadn’t. The problem wasn’t him that time. One of the three people he trusted in the world was in love with him, and that meant Tooru could never trust him again.
He just smiled at Urie and Saiko and stayed quiet for the rest of the drive to the Chateau. They both seemed to get that he wasn’t interested in talking and let him go up to his room and lay on his back in his bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying so goddamned hard not to think, not to think about the urge to run, to kill bubbling up inside of him because thinking about them would only make them worse.
He didn’t realize he still had the jacket someone at :re had given him until Saiko knocked on his door to announce that food was there and he should come down and spend time with his family (a family he’d end up destroying again)