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Chapter Text

The Evans family was an exceedingly normal, exceedingly middle class English family. They lived in a small neighborhood in a pale yellow house. Their lawn always precisely neat and tidy. Their life was the picture of content suburbia. Mr. and Mrs. Evans were very kind people but kept to themselves, the kind that were always willing to lend a cup of sugar but never hosting a party. Their elder daughter, fourteen year old Petunia Evans, was a rather ordinary girl. Petunia was very popular and charming, though she had a tendency to judge people very quickly and harshly, as most girls that age did. Petunia strived for perfection in all matters, and while her parents did not abide by the sentiment, they were content to support Petunia as she did.

The only thing that particularly stuck out about the Evans family, was the youngest daughter, Lily. Everything about Lily was extremely different than the other Evans’ family members. While her parents and sister all had plain light brown hair, Lily was recognizable from yards away, her bright ginger hair seemed to attract light to it no matter where she went. It was not just her hair that made Lily Evans so remarkable though, the eleven year old had a tendency to make unexplainable events occur. She could cause flowers to turn back into blossoms, and if she fell from a tree she could manage to slow her fall mid-air. Lily Evan’s was remarkable indeed, although most of her school mates referred to her as exceedingly strange, or in the words of her older sister, Petunia, Lily Evan’s was widely considered a “freak”.

Lily sat under the large oak tree in the front yard outside her house. She was waiting for Severus Snape, a boy with slick black hair that lived down the hill in Spinner’s End. It was a much poorer part of the neighborhood, and the boys looks often reflected this. However, Lily was utterly enthralled with Severus and his frequent elaborate stories of magic and witchcraft. Severus was Lily’s best, and only, friend. He had previously confided in her about his horrible life at home, so his absence was worrying. Lily had expected Severus far earlier in the day, and she was getting nervous as more time passed and her friend was still missing.

“Lily, he’s not coming. Just get inside.” Her sister whined, standing on the doorsteps. Her typical shrill voice echoing in the still air.

Lily didn’t bother with a response, just sat quietly waiting for her friend. Lily never had much to say, not unless she knew for a fact she was right. So instead, the carrot topped eleven year old sat patiently, running her hands along the grass. She messed with the stray weeds, trying to make them grow, but it wasn’t working. She often found she could do strange things like that if she focused enough, but occasionally, it just happened. Severus said he could do things like that too, it was why they were friends, they were both strange.

“Lily, it’s almost time for dinner.” Petunia stomped her foot.

Lily sighed, feeling suddenly anxious, “I told him I’d wait. Do you think he’s alright?”

“He’s a poor freak, does it matter?” Petunia had never liked Severus, Lily knew that. But it hurt when her sister said such cruel things about him. Lily was mad, the rapidly changing color of Petunia’s hair reflected it. Lily closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, hoping she was imagining it, and more so hoping that Petunia hadn’t noticed her deep brown hair become Lily’s own bright ginger color. By the time Lily opened her eyes, she was certain that it was all in her head.

Lily didn’t look at her sister, in fear that she’d do something strange again. “If he’s a freak then I am too.”

“Alright, you’re a freak too.” Petunia insulted.

“I am not a freak!” Lily sneered, not having garnered the desired response from the teenager.

“Whatever, stay out here if you want, but it’s going to rain, and he’s not coming.” Petunia stomped her way inside.

Lily hated when Petunia was right. It was the most aggravating feeling in the world. But after another half an hour of waiting, it did begin to rain, and Lily had to admit that Severus would not be coming.

“Dinner’s about ready, go grab your sister.” Her mother smiled at her.

Lily knocked on Petunia's door before opening it. “Mum says dinner is ready.” Lily said quickly but Petunia was already laughing.

“Lily, you’re soaking wet, were you waiting that whole time?”

“Leave it Petunia.” Lily mumbled before stalking off to change out of her wet clothes.

Lily was the last to sit down at the dinner table, this was a very regular and expected occurrence, as Lily often used every single second of her free time she could spare.

A crack of thunder rang out, seeming to shake the small house in its entirety. Something was different, Lily could feel it like electricity grazing across her skin. The short and loud knock on the door was enough to justify Lily. The Evans’ family never had visitors at this hour.

Three quick and sharp knocks from the front door. Was it Severus? Lily wondered as she rocketed out of her seat and raced to the door, she opened it to reveal an old man. He was fairly tall, and thin, with long white hair and a beard to match. He was dressed peculiarly as well, in long robes, and despite the pouring rain, he didn’t have a drop of water on him. Definitely not Severus.

“May I help you sir?” Lily asked as her parents joined her and the strange man at the door.

“Ah, you must be young Miss Lily Evans.” He smiled, “I would love to speak with your parents for a moment.”

“Go upstairs girls.” Lily’s father instructed, wary of the strange man.

Lily sat on her bed, waiting. Knowing that something big was happening, she could feel it, how else did the strange man know her name. Her mind wandered to her best friend, really her only friend, Severus. Wondering if he had gotten the news that Lily was about to receive, wondering if the news was about him.

Lily was asked back into the living room, where the stranger was. After a long rambling explanation of everything that was somehow both excruciatingly detailed and annoyingly vague, there were two main takeaways Lily was left with. The first being that she was a witch. A witch as in a magical person who could cast spells, like the ones from fairytales. Lily could easily make sense of this one, she had strange abilities, and Severus had told her stories of how his mother had magic, but Lily wasn’t sure she fully believed him. Lily was willing to fully embrace this aspect though. The second idea was one she was far less thrilled with, she would go to Wizard boarding school. Lily had always enjoyed school, but she had never been far from home, or her parents, or even her sister, and was not fond of the idea.

“Can I go too?” Petunia asked, she had been eavesdropping.

The bearded stranger, whom Lily learned was Headmaster Dumbledore, did another soft smile down at Petunia, “I’m sorry my dear, but I do not think our school would be a very good fit for you.”

Petunia was not pleased with this answer, she yelled out, “I don’t want to go to your freak school anyway!” Before running off.

With a sigh, Dumbledore turned back to Lily, “Do you have any questions, Miss Evans?”

“Will I be able to write my parents?”

“Yes, you will.”

“Do I need special wizard books and things?” Lily had no idea where to find such items.

“Your parents have a detailed list of everything you need, with instructions on how to procure them. If you need any assistance, you need merely ask. If there is help needed, you will find it at Hogwarts.” After about ten more questions from Lily, about logistics, living situations, and the general atmosphere, Dumbledore said goodbye and vanished in thin air. Leaving the young girl confused, stressed, and excited.

Despite all of Lily’s confusion and nerves, she couldn’t help the large grin that spread across her face.

…

The very next day Lily had demanded to go to gather her school supplies, and after begging and pleading enough, her mother agreed to take her. Diagon Alley, was the most peculiar place Lily had ever seen. The feeling of electricity stirred in her very core, the air was different, Lily was sure of it. Everything seemed brighter, and though she knew this was because of the abnormally clear sky that day, Lily felt like the whole world was welcoming her home.

With a wide smile on her face Lily pulled her mom through the busy street and Lily was certain she would make Petunia regret that decision not to come. “Goodness Lily, what is all of this?”

“Magic!” The light in Lily’s eyes must have been enough to suppress her mother’s worry, cause they went to the bank first thing.

Gringotts was a wizard bank, a large white marble building. It smelled of smoke and leather causing Lilyto question if something was burning. After a drawn out discussion with the bankteller, that felt extraordinarily mundane, they had managed to exchange some regular money for wizard money.

Each shop felt more surreal than the last, and Lily would have been lying if she said she didn’t find the whole thing overwhelming. The wand shop, Ollivanders, was by far the most stressful, Lily waved around several wands, many of which did not seem to like her. She had no idea a stick could feel so strongly against her. Ultimately, she ended up with a willow wand, the man said it would be good for charm work, and while she had no clue what that meant, she was glad to have the wand, and she was extremely glad to be out of the store.

It was very weird to return home, with a bunch of black robes, a magical stick, and a ton of books on subjects Lily could hardly comprehend. Being home in boring, non-magical Spinner’s End felt like something was missing. There was less energy, less noise and bustle, yet everything at home felt safe and familiar. Lily was caught in limbo on wanting to go back, wanting to be magical, and wanting to stay with her parents and live a normal life, a safe life in the boring English suburbs.

…

Lily and Severus sat beneath their tree, the day before school began. “Explain it to me again Severus.” Lily pleaded, there were so many new terms and things she needed to know, and she could hardly keep up.

“There are 4 houses, each person gets sorted into a house and that is who they live and take classes with.”

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Lily had memorized each name and their attributes, she had already read the majority of Hogwarts; A History, she was so excited she couldn’t help it. So as soon as she found out about Hogwarts she got her supplies and began reading as much as she could. “Which one do you think you’ll get in?”

“I think I’ll be in Slytherin, like my mother. Or maybe Ravenclaw.” Severus smiled, “I’m rather clever, I believe. You’re clever too, maybe we’ll be there together.”

“I’d like that.” Lily bit her lip, which house she would be in was her biggest stressor, everyone talked about houses like they determined your whole future. “Do you think it will matter, that you know?” Lily whispered, another thing that worried her immensely.

“That you’re muggle-born?” Severus questioned. Lily nodded, she didn’t like saying it, made her feel insecure. “No, of course it doesn’t matter. You’re Lily Evans!”

Lily laughed at this, “Severus, that doesn’t mean anything!” She protested.

“It means everything,” He looked at her with admiration, “you’re the best person I know Lily, and if people don’t notice that, they’re fools.”

“Are you nervous at all?” Lily asked, being very clearly extremely nervous.

Severus just shook his head.

Lily scoffed, “Either you’re the bravest person I know, or you’re lying to me.”

“My mum went, and she loved Hogwarts. I reckon I’ll enjoy it too.” Severus smiled, seeming completely sure of himself. “I’m excited to learn magic, I know a few spells and things, but you’re not supposed to do magic outside of school.” Severus mused.

Lily sighed, “Petunia hasn’t spoken to me all week.”

“She’s a brat.”

Lily tsked in disapproval, “She’s my sister Severus. Don’t say that.” Lily had always held firm in the belief that she was the only one allowed to speak ill of her sister. “Ever since Professor Dumbledore came, she’s hardly said a word.”

“She’s jealous of you, Lily.” Severus stated, as if it was obvious.

“I think she hates me.”

“Let her.”

“Severus!” Lily squeaked as if he had said something unthinkable. “She’s my sister, I can’t go to school with her hating me.” Lily finally confessed what she had been thinking for the past week, “I think I shouldn’t go.”

Severus gawked at her, his mouth held open as if it was on hinges. “You have to go Lily!”

“I don’t know anything about magic, and I’ve never been away from my family. I’m just not sure.” Lily whispered. “I’m not like you Severus, I think they made a mistake.”

“What are you talking about?” He questioned, “You know you have magic. You’re extremely smart. You’ll learn in no time, I promise. There will be other’s like you also, muggle-borns.”

“I suppose.” Lily muttered. The two eleven-year olds sat in silence, staring at the sunset. They didn’t talk about school, or families, or anything of the sort for the rest of the night. They just talked about stupid things like music and neighborhood gossip. Regular things, Lily had insisted on only discussing normal non-magical things the rest of the night, knowing deep down that it would be the last night she could truly consider herself a normal girl. She knew that the next day she would be on a special wizard train, taken away from everything she knew. But she didn’t think about that, not while she and Severus were under the tree, watching the sunset.

Chapter Text

Platform 9 and ¾ was it a joke? Lily wondered to herself, she knew there was no 9 ¾ on any of the signs. Lily was growing quite frustrated, and her parents were very confused as well. “Mum, we’re going to be late! Where is it?” Lily was frantic with nerves.

“Calm down Lily, we’ll find it.” Her mother soothed, gently stroking her daughters bright red hair. “It’s ought to be around here somewhere.”

“Should we ask someone?” Her father suggested.

“No, they’ll think we’re bonkers if they’re not wizards.” Lily pointed out, scanning the crowd. Lily swore she saw someone disappearing into a wall of the platform. “There!” Lily shouted, pointing before running towards a peculiar looking family.

The family was more blonde than Lily had ever seen in one place. It consisted of a girl, who could not have been much older than lily, despite towering above her, as well as a few massive blonde older brothers, a confused and tired looking father, and a crying mother. They had to be wizards, Lily was certain of it. “Hello, ma’am?” Lily asked the mother, who was wiping tears from her eyes.

“Yes, dear? Do you need help?” The woman asked sounding very kind and concerned.

“Would you per chance, happen to know how to get onto platform 9 and ¾?” Lily asked timidly, only pushed forward by her fear of being late.

The woman laughed, “Ah, you must be muggle born.” She had a warm smile on now, letting Lily know it was not a judgement, but rather an amusement of sorts, “My husband is muggle born as well, it’s perfectly normal. Must be your first year?” Lily nodded, “My daughter Marlene is going into her first year too.”

The immediate mumbling from the tall girl could be heard, something a kin to “don’t embarrass me.”

Another roar of laughter from the mother, “Now, this will sound strange, but it will be alright. Just walk through this barrier right here, and you’ll be all set.”

“Thank you!” Lily beamed, before looking nervously back towards her parents, who gave a reassuring smile.

Lily held her breath and closed her eyes as she walked through the barrier, as if it would be poisonous to breathe in the air. When she had finally gotten the courage to open her eyes, she was confused to see it looked rather similar to a regular train station, besides the unusual cast of character waiting for the train to depart. Lots of large robes, and birds, and a few pointed hats scattered about.

The next twenty minutes were filled with drawn out tearful goodbye’s to her parents, and her sister, who refused to acknowledge that Lily was even there. Saying goodbye to her parents was probably the hardest thing young Lily Evans had ever done. Tears streamed down the ginger’s face as she hugged her father one last time before running onto the train. She had immediately run into the first compartment she could find to continue waving until her parents were out of sight.

Only once the train had fully departed did Lily notice the boy in the compartment. “Absolutely dreadful saying goodbye, isn’t it?” She asked the rough looking kid, she noticed the pale scars across his body, he seemed skinny and nervous as he shrugged in response to the question. “I’m Lily Evans.” She outstretched a hand.

“Remus Lupin.” He answered, meeting her eyes for a split second before looking away, he didn’t take her hand and Lily lowered it awkwardly.

“Are you a first year too?” Lily asked hopeful that she’d be able to strike up some sort of conversation, but he just nodded. “Are your parents magic?”

Remus shrugged, “Dad’s a wizard though, works for the ministry, my mum’s a muggle, doesn’t like magic much, so she wouldn’t let me learn spells or nothing.”

“My parents are both muggles, thought my mum was going to die when she found out.” Lily explained, this earned a small smile from Remus, and Lily was certain that she could make the shy boy warm up to her.

Then the carriage door opened, “Lily! There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Severus sighed.

“Hi Sev! Have you met Remus?” Lily smiled back at her friend.

Serverus paid no attention to the boy, and did not acknowledge the question “Come to my compartment Lily, there’s plenty of room.”

“Can Remus come too?” Lily asked, still wanting to befriend the stranger. Severus grimaced but didn’t answer. “Sev, he’s all alone.” Lily protested quietly. “You could sit with us.”

Remus interjected, “Go on, it’s alright.”

Severus took Lily’s hand and issued her out of the compartment. “Severus, that wasn’t very nice.” Lily pouted.

“I have a bad feeling about him Lily.” He tried to justify, and they left it there. Lily wasn’t sure what Severus meant, and she wanted to point out that he hadn’t even spoken to the boy, but she didn’t want to spend the whole train ride fighting. Rather, Lily shrugged and kept quiet.

They bumped into two boys in the passageway, a wild haired boy and a pale one with thick black curls. “Watch where you’re going greaseball!” spat the pale boy, causing laughter from the other one.

Lily was enraged, and would have lectured the rude boys if Severus didn’t drag her away. “They’re not worth it Lily.” Severus warned, but Lily whipped herself back around to face the two.

“That was rather rude of you two!” She chirped, causing them both to raise an eyebrow. “It was an accident, there was no need for name calling.”

“Salazar, you’d think I killed someone.” The pale boy rolled his eyes. “Really that offended for this bloke? You his girlfriend carrottop?”

The teasing enraged Lily more, her face becoming a bright shade of pink. “You’re awfully rude. Did your parents not teach you any decency?”

The wild haired boy grabbed the other boy’s arm, preventing him from the step he was going to take towards Lily. “We’re sorry.” The wild haired boy directed the words at Lily but clearly he hadn’t meant them. “Come on Sirius.” The boys walked away without another word.

Severus led her to a different carriage, there were two boys in there already. These boys scared Lily. They were very tall for first years and it was hard to tell if that was their true height or their impeccable posture. Lily felt very rough and scruffy compared to the boys and she was certain she wasn’t welcome. She politely introduced herself, but was widely ignored. Lily wasn’t sure whether it was cause she was a girl or because she was muggle-born but their ignorance to her existence caused annoyance to boil to the point of anger, reigniting the fire she just had while defending Severus. They were talking about things Lily didn’t know anything about, like how many curses and hexes they knew. The boys clearly got on well, but Lily stuck out like a sore thumb, and if she weren’t stuck between Severus and the window she would have left the compartment.

After about an hour, she had had enough, and finally changed the topic of conversation, “What house do you think you’ll be in?”

“Slytherin” the two boys said without hesitation.

“Oh, are you ambitious?” Lily asked innocently and the boys laughed at her, even Severus snickered. “What’s so funny?” Lily said through gritted teeth, she didn’t enjoy being the butt of the joke.

“Wilkes’ and Mulciber’s families have histories of being in Slytherin.” Severus explained, as if it was obvious.

“I didn’t realize lineage had anything to do with it.” Lily said quietly.

“What house were your parents in?” Wilkes asked.

“My parents are muggles.” Lily said, and by the faces the boys pulled she knew she had made a mistake. Lily wasn’t mad that they were laughing she had already written off their opinions of her, but she was fuming at Severus, Severus had promised it didn’t matter if she was muggle born or not, he had lied. It might not matter to Severus, but in that moment Lily knew that it would matter to everyone else. Lily wasn’t used to Severus lying, and it was a strange feeling to know he had, even a white lie. Lily had always revered Severus as a source of truth, her source of knowledge in all things magical, how many times had he lied to protect her?

“You’re a mudblood?” Mulciber said with disgust, the words sharp and stinging to the point where Lily couldn’t tell if it was sort of spell meant to harm her.

Lily’s eyes turned to daggers focused solely on the boy. If she had known any insults that wouldn’t make her sound entirely petulant, she would use them in an instant. “So what if I am?” Lily pressed, she knew the boy was far bigger than her, she would probably lose a fight, but she was practically asking for one. He’d maybe never been in a muggle fight, whereas Lily’s father had taken care to teach her all the worst spots to hit. Lily was weighing her options and already rolling up a sleeve when Severus grabbed her hand.

“Hey, leave her alone.” Severus chimed in. “She’s not running away, or screaming and crying. She’s different.” Lily did not enjoy Severus sticking up for her, in fact, she hated it, it made her more angry. But she could tell that at this moment her safety might have depended on Severus defending her. Lily felt the rare urge to punch someone. She didn’t enjoy fighting, and, unless Petunia was involved, would never throw the first punch. But Lily was not used to losing, and felt like this argument ending made her look weak.

Lily was left with the impossible decision, of walking out and letting Mulciber know the words were effective, or, sitting in the compartment for who knows how long until they arrived. Lily felt it more dignifying to stay where she was, and act unbothered. She silently read a book for the rest of the train ride.

Chapter Text

Lily and Severus were crossing the lake in these canoe like boats, Lily was absolutely certain their boat would tip over. The ride cross the lake was filled with anxious silence, Lily was still annoyed at Severus die to their company on the express, and she couldn’t bare to lecture him now, not when all of her energy was focused on the large castle.

Lily had never seen a castle in real life. Her family didn’t holiday much, and so looking at the magical castle that she would be living in was like a dream. She’d never admit to such childish things, but she let her mind wander for just a moment and pictured herself as a princess in a fairytale. Everything about it felt like a fairytale, the magic and now a castle, she was simply waiting on a grandiose quest. Lily wished her parents could see Hogwarts and marvel in it’s beauty, and she had the malicious passing thought that she wished her sister could see it, only so that Petunia could grovel in jealousy. Lily quickly tucked both of those thoughts aside, and instead went back to her state of anxious energy.

As Lily stepped off the boat, she was instantly ushered into the great hall by some of the older students. It was a spectacular sight to behold, looking up, she could see the entire night sky, not a single cloud in sight. There were candles, everywhere, they were floating. Lily couldn’t help the bright smile that crept to her face as a warm feeling rose in her chest, all the nerves melting away.

Lily stood in an alphabetically sorted line with the other first years, she had completely lost Severus somewhere in the crowd. They all took turns, one after the other, placing a hat on their head, only for the hat to yell out a house. The hat looked old and worn, it was no doubt magical, but Lily had a fear it would give her some disease by touching it, probably lice. It would be so embarrassing to go to her first class with mayonnaise smeared on her hair, that was the method Lily’s mother had always sworn by, which attributed to Lily being called “Mayonnaise hair” all throughout third grade, as third graders were clearly not very clever.

“Lily Evans” A thin, gray haired lady called holding the hat patiently and snapping Lily out of her thoughts.

Lily carefully approached the stool, she looked out at the sea of tables and colorful banners. The hat was placed on her head and began speaking, “Ah, smart girl, very clever, perhaps Ravenclaw.” Lily was startled by hearing the strange voice in her head. “Kind as well. You’d fit nicely in Hufflepuff.” The hat was silent for a moment. “No, I don’t think so I think you might do well in Gryffindor, you’re very loyal.” Lily wasn’t sure which one she wanted. The hat continued musing points back and forth, deliberating between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. There was a sudden yell of “Gryffindor!” before thunderous applause by the students clad in red and gold.

Lily joined the other two first years at the Gryffindor table, one was a pale, thin, black haired boy who looked like he might cry. It was hard to tell, but it had been the same one they ran into on the train, he was completely unrecognisable with the distraught etched on his face. He slid over to offer her room, but Lily was still mad about the earlier comment and sat as far as she could from him. It seemed wrong to start a fight when he was upset, but she did not want to let the comment go, and she did not want to comfort him, so she kept quiet.

Lily tried not to focus on any of the events of the train ride, and instead was trying to focus on the fact that she had been sorted into Gryffindor. She was brimming with glee at the thought, her rage disappearing, and the joy evident on her face. She hadn’t thought she was brave enough for Gryffindor, but it filled her with pride that clearly someone did. Other first years joined her, Remus Lupin, the scarred boy she had met on the train, who looked more confused than joyed. Two girls also joined the table in succession, Mary Macdonald and Marlene McKinnon. A few more boys were sorted into her house, but Lily was no longer concerned with those joining her own table, as she saw Severus get closer to the front of the line.

It was Severus’ turn for the sorting. Lily had her fingers crossed that he would join her in Gryffindor, but Severus had never even mused over the idea of being a Gryffindor. Her friend looked more anxious than he ever did when talking about the sorting. Lily wished she could give him a hug, or reassure him, but instead she just flashed him a smile, which she was sure he hadn’t seen. “Slytherin!” The hat yelled, and Lily’s heart sank a bit as she watched her only friend, Severus Snape walk to join his own house.

Once all the first years had been sorted the plates on the table that were completely empty mere seconds ago, suddenly filled with piles of food. Lily gasped, magic truly was spectacular. The only one expressing similar awe was Mary, who was sat directly across from Lily. Lily thought Mary might be the prettiest girl she had ever seen her hair framed her face like vines covering a stone wall. Lily felt as though you could look at Mary and instantly know she was magic, the way her eyes caught the light and seemed to sparkle.

Marlene, the girl whose mother completely embarrassed her at King’s Cross, was sat beside Lily. Lily could see Marlene much better now, her hair no longer covering her face. Marlene had a slight tan that looked to be from outdoor exposure, and a permanent blush, in opposition with her hair so blonde it was almost white.

“Classes start in the morning, they don’t give us a seconds rest apparently.” Marlene said, her voice quiet, barely above a whisper, the timid attitude contrasted the girls athletic and tall build.

“How do you know? Do you have a timetable?” Mary asked.

“No, my brothers went here.” Marlene answered.

“Are they here now?” Lily asked curiously.

Marlene just shook her head, “No, Danny graduated last year, he plays quidditch professionally now, and Joey works for the ministry.”

Lily had no clue what half of that mean, even though she was clearly supposed to. Luckily Mary had the same quarries and asked before Lily got the chance. “Blimey, I don’t know any of what you just said. It’s like you’re speaking gibberish!” Mary exhausted with a pout, causing Lily and Marlene to have a laughing fit.

“It’s alright, my father’s a muggle born too.” Marlene said in her tone so delicate her breath wouldn’t move a hair on a feather.
Lily smiled at them both, “Quidditch is like football, yeah?”

Marlene nearly spit out her water, but apparently one of the boys had been eavesdropping. A wild haired boy with a dark tan and the world’s roundest spectacles nearly leaped across the table at the mention of the sport. “Quidditch is the greatest sport of all time!” Lily instinctively leaned away from the over-excited boy, who had already launched into explaining the game at rapid fire speed. The only thing Lily had managed to take away from the ramble, was that it was on broomsticks, and she couldn’t stop herself from imagining the witch from the Wizard of Oz flying around on a broomstick. Was magic truly so stereotypical and cartoonish? Lily had entirely zoned out from the lecture. After what seemed like hours but was probably only a minute or two, the boy finally ended the ramble with a simple, “I’m James Potter, by the way.”

“Lily Evans.” She tried her best to return a polite smile, but was rather confused by the whole encounter.

“Sorry, I can be a bit brash, I really like quidditch.” He was awkward and overly confident, frankly, Lily thought he could use a smack in the head.

Lily snickered, “I can tell.” She had tried to end the conversation there, and return to the girls, but this boy was unrelenting and Mary and Marlene had begun their own discussion.

“My parents were both Gryffindors, they’ll be thrilled when they find out I am too. What houses were your parents in?” James asked eagerly.

“My parents are muggles.” Lily said proudly, the confidence seemed to confuse the other two.

“Oh, that’s why you don’t know quidditch.” The realization dawned on the boy, even though Lily was fairly certain that even if she had been raised a wizard she wouldn’t know much about the sport.

Lily was becoming thoroughly annoyed with James, his casual excitement and persistence. Every short and quick answer Lily gave, managed to prompt another rambling spiel or round of questioning, he was like an over excited puppy and Lily had always been a cat person. Luckily, Severus came to her rescue. “Lily, hi.” He said grabbing her attention.

Lily whipped her head around to face him, “Oh, hello Sev!” Severus was glaring, but not at Lily, rather, he was glaring at James. All of the Gryffindor first years fell silent, Lily was clearly out of the loop.

Severus gritted his teeth and forced a smile as he turned back to Lily, “I just wanted to say congratulations.”

“Oh, thank you Severus! Congrats to you as well, I’ll see you later then?” Severus gave a curt nod, before turning and rejoining his table.

“You’re friends with that Snivellus bloke?” James asked, disgust evident in his voice.

“His name is Severus.” Lily corrected, there was clearly animosity, that Lily was unsure of how one could gain such anger towards another in a matter of hours. However, James left Lily alone for the rest of the meal.

“They got in a row, before the sorting.” Mary whispered to Lily, filling her in.

“Already?”

Mary nodded, “It started harmless, just poking fun at the houses they wanted, but then Snape called Potter brainless, and James drew his wand. The older students had to break them up.”

“They’re both hot heads.” Marlene agreed quietly. “I’d stay out of it, I don’t reckon it’ll improve.”

Lily said nothing, just nodded, she didn’t like the idea of people not getting along, especially with her friends. Lily made a mental agreement with herself to stay as far from James Potter as possible.

After the feast they were shown to the Gryffindor common room. The walk to the common room caused more awe to arise, as every portrait moved and talked, some even singing. The staircases moved, at what seemed like random intervals, and Lily was positively amazed at their ability to do so, and also extremely confused by the castle’s architecture. The common room was behind a portrait of a jolly opera singer, only accessible with a password. They were then shown to the dormitories. Their things had already arrived in the bedroom. The room was gorgeous, there were three large four poster beds with curtains. All of the furniture was wooden, but every inch of fabric was either red or gold, the house pride evident.

The girls were unpacking, it was pretty quiet, they were all unsure of what to say.

“Do you guys like music? I have a record player.” Mary said, breaking the silent unpacking.

“A what?” Marlene questioned.

“You don’t know what a record player is?” Mary gaped, “It plays music.”

Marlene raised an eyebrow, “Like muggle music?”

“Suppose so. Didn’t know there was different music for wizards” Mary shrugged taking out a record, “You like Roy Orbison?”

Lily beamed, “Oh, my mother rather likes him!” The smooth voiced rock music had frequently blared through the Evan’s household, and the singer’s voice brought back fond memories. Although, her father had often fought to play Elvis instead.

“Perfect!” Mary instantly put the record on, and Pretty Woman echoed around the room.

Lily had finished unpacking in no time, and soon they were dancing about the room and singing along to the music. “Join us Marlene!” Lily invited.

Marlene looked pained, “I don’t know the songs, and my dancing is shit.”

“It’s alright, just dance with us.” Mary held out a hand and soon all three young girls were giggling while dancing, copying the moves from each other. The movement was likely more akin to flailing about than dancing, but they released all of their nervous energy, and by the time the album ended, they were no longer shy around each other.

The girls were trying to get to know each other better, while getting ready for bed. “So Evans, how do you know the Slytherin boy?” Mary asked casually, folding her uniform for the morning.

“Neighbors, grew up together.” Lily answered simply, “He’s my best friend.”

“He’s a bit hard on the eyes.” Marlene mumbled under her breath. Lily heard, but pretended not to, and it was evident Mary heard as well by the laugh she was barely suppressing.

“What about you Marlene?” Mary asked.

Marlene just raised an eyebrow, “What about me?”

“You know anyone here?”

Marlene thought for a second, “Yeah, live near Potter and Pettigrew, hang out with James a bit, but they’re a bit posh for my family. Oh, played quidditch with the Prewetts a few times but they’re older.”

“Blimey! You both know people and I’m here by my lonesome!” Mary lamented, flopping onto her bed dramatically.

“Watch out, we’ve got a drama queen in the dorm.” Lily chided with a smile, to which mary threw a pillow at her.

Marlene laughed, “Surprised you didn’t notice sooner, Evans.” Another pillow was thrown, this time in Marlene’s direction.

Mary yawned, “I should go to bed soon, I need my beauty sleep.” This of course earned thunderous laughter from the other three girls.

The girls went to their own beds and drew the curtains. Lily couldn’t sleep though, she was far too nervous. Marlene could be heard tossing and turning in her bed, presumably awake as well, at least Lily hoped so, otherwise, Marlene was a very loud and restless sleeper.

There were far too many sounds in the castle, Lily had decided. The wind could be heard lightly rustling through the vents. Distant voices coming from the common room. Occasionally the shutting of a door, or an owl passing through. Lily’s house was much quieter than the castle, and in the first moment since her arrival she found herself wishing for the familiar house she had lived in her whole life.

Lily closed her eyes and tried not to cry, she didn’t want to be a crybaby. Not in front of the girls, not on her first night. Lily slowed her breathing, and her heartrate soon followed suit. “Lily, are you still up?” Lily barely heard the whisper.

“Yes, Marlene is that you?”

There was no response to the question, rather the padding of feet across the wooden floor before Lily’s bed curtains were slowly pulled open. “Can’t sleep, sorry, did I wake you?” Marlene had a small lantern with her, almost like a nightlight, allowing Lily to see, but just barely.

“I was awake, don’t worry about it.” Lily sat up, and patted the bed for Marlene to sit as well. Marlene did sir down, but close to the edge of the bed, as if she would have to get up and run at any second.

“Reckon I’m anxious about classes. But I didn’t really fancy being alone right now.” Marlene looked away, like she was ashamed.

Lily gave Marlene’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, just to let the other girl know it was okay. “I don’t like being alone either.” Lily smiled, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Marlene shook her head, “Not really, sorry, you must think I’m utterly foolish right now.”

“I don’t.” Lily was honest, “I would sneak into my sister's room, whenever I had a nightmare.” Lily hadn’t done so in almost a year, but she thought it would be the right thing to say at the moment.

“I was homeschooled, never done real classes before.” Marlene’s voice was unsteady, as if she was confessing a secret.

“Well I’ve never heard of half the subjects. So you’re not the least qualified.” Lily offered an awkward smile.

“Yeah, suppose so.” Marlene half heartedly agreed. The girls sat in an uncomfortable quiet again, just for a brief moment. “Why are you up?” Marlene asked.

“Don’t know,” Lily lied she was certain if she talked about her problems aloud, she would start crying. “I guess I just can’t sleep. New place and all.”

“That makes sense.” Marlene bit her lip, “Sorry for bothering you Lily.”

“You’re not bothering me!” Lily was quick to say, it came out louder than intended and Marlene winced. “You’re not, I quite like talking to you Marlene, you remind me of my sister.” It was honest, not at all in physical appearance but in demeanor. Petunia often was quiet and blunt or nervous and bold. It was a familiar feeling, talking to Marlene though she was a stranger, and Lily craved anything and everything familiar at the present.

Marlene smiled at the comment, “Normally I talk to Danny, my brother, about this stuff. But I can’t right now, clearly.”

“It’s really alright.” Lily was happy to listen, she had nothing else to do. Marlene however, was clearly expecting a similar tale of family and what-not from Lily, who could not provide it. Lily loved her parents, very dearly, but she had never gone to them with problems. Lily used to go to her sister, before the magic appeared, when kids would pick on her for her hair. Petunia had been the brave defender, but that had ended a while ago. For the past year, Lily had relied entirely on Severus, and Lily had Severus. Severus was in the very same castle, almost certainly awake, probably reading or making friends with the boys in his dorm. Those were the same boys that had been so horrid to Lily on the train, Lily winced at the thought, before becoming angry at Severus again as the emotions rushed back. “Marlene, can I ask you something?”

Marlene looked up from her lap, where she had been picking at her fingers, “Yeah, what is it?”

Lily took a deep breath, it was harder to say than she had expected, “Will it matter, that I’m muggle born?”

Marlene bit her lip, “I dunno,” she looked around anxiously, as if someone would be watching. “My mum says there’s a war, or the start of one. Wizards fighting wizards, over blood purity or something. It doesn’t make much sense to me.”

“On the train, someone said something. I’m not sure what it meant.” Lily paused, knowing it wouldn’t be good. “He called me a mudblood.”

Marlene let out a sharp exhale, “Stay away from them Lily. Just stay far away, okay?”

“It’s calling me dirty, for being muggle born?” Lily clarified, and Marlene nodded.

Marlene bit her lip, “It’s bad right now Lily. The people who say that sort of thing, it might just be talk, but you never know.”

“What’s happening?”

“Not quite sure, Mum won’t say. It’s probably nothing, but it’s a little scary. Joey works in the ministry, sees it all.” Marlene said, trying to shake the subject. Lily let it lie for the moment, preferring happier topics. Marlene ended up giving yet another non-sensible explanation of quidditch, which Lily was happy to nod along to while not absorbing a single word. In exchange, Lily tried for nearly twenty minutes to explain to Marlene what a telephone was.

“I’d better head to sleep.” Marlene ended, it was close to one in the morning by the time they had finished talking. Marlene could be heard snoring not long after. Lily lamented the joining of another sound in the night. She laid awake for the rest of the night, her eyes closed, her mind spinning with confusion, danger, and nerves.

Chapter Text

Mary and Marlene were still fast asleep when Lily went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. She had put on the school uniform, unsure if she liked the strange robes, it was quite unlike anything she ever wore at home. They dragged awkwardly on the ground and she was quite slow walking in them, scared she would trip.

Despite her lack of sleep, Lily was wide awake. “Oi, Evans!” The wild-haired boy waved her over.

Lily shrugged, he was the only person awake that she knew, and she begrudgingly sat across from James Potter. “Morning Potter. You’re up early.”

“I’m always up early.” He beamed, he was so cheery, Lily was certain he was hiding something, she could see the devious gleam in his eye. “Early bird gets the worm and all that.”

“My mum says that.” Lily gave a small smile, “I meant to write last night, but completely forgot. Do you know where the post box is?”

James tilted his head like a confused puppy. “The what?”

“Post box?”

James was still clearly not understanding, he leaned close and whispered, “Is that a muggle thing?” The whole thing felt very condescending, before even thinking Lily splashed her water glass on him, leaving him drenched. She didn’t appreciate being mocked in such a manner. James muttered something and scampered off from the table, presumably to go dry himself.

Mary came then, “Why is Potter all wet?”

“He mocked me, bloody jerk.” Lily scowled.

Mary laughed, “Short temper?”

“Not usually, promise.” Lily groaned, she didn’t know why Potter made her so furious, in hindsight he wasn’t that awful, but he was possibly the most annoying boy she’d ever met.

“My mum and dad fight like that, maybe you’ll get married.” Mary teased.

Lily scoffed at her, “Fat chance.”

Mary shrugged and looked at the table before her, “Who could possibly eat this much food? Is this normal here?”

“Wizards are strange.” Lily sighed.

…

Marlene didn’t arrive until breakfast was nearly over, “I overslept!” She whined, clearly still exhausted from the prior night.

“Potions is in 30 minutes, Marlene, got your books on you?” Mary asked.

Marlene groaned, “Left them in the dorm, bloody hell!”

Lily made a mental note not to bother Marlene today. “I’m headed back to get mine, should I grab yours too?” Lily offered.

“They’re in my trunk, right at the top. Thanks Evans!” Marlene smiled.

Lily trudged back up the stairs, they were awkwardly moving and rotating making it a longer journey than she had hoped.

It didn’t take too long to gather all the books, but they were much heavier than anticipated. The books spilled out of her arms as she was exciting the portrait hole. Lily groaned in annoyance, fumbling to pick up the books.

Suddenly the same wild haired boy appeared once more, assisting in picking up all the books. “Thanks Potter.” Lily sighed, begrudgingly grateful for the assistance.

“You’re welcome!” He beamed, “Sorry, if I upset you earlier by the way, didn’t mean to.” He used his free hand to run through his hair, making it messier, if that was even possible. The boy oozed charm and perfection, Lily found it entirely disingenuous.

Lily avoided eye contact, “My fault, shouldn’t have splashed you, I’m sensitive about muggle things.” She had known she had to apologize, having felt guilty after the adrenaline and annoyance wore off, and even guiltier when she found out he truly had just been confused.

James smiled a wide smile full of gratitude, and Lily held out her hand, trying to take back the fallen books. “I’ve got it, I’ll carry them for you.”

“You don’t have to.” Lily said, “I’m perfectly capable of carrying them.”

“You have a lot of them.” He shrugged, “it’s really no trouble.”

“I’m not asking you to. I could do it on my own.”

He nodded, “I know. You don’t owe me anything Evans. Mum raised a gentleman is all.” He smiled once more, baring all his teeth in a comical grin.

“They’re Marlene’s, she forgot them.” Lily felt the need to defend, to let James know he was not doing her a favor, he was doing Marlene a favor.

“Alright, should I take them to her in the great hall?” He offered.

Lily shook her head, “Reckon she’ll be making her way to potions by now.”

“Off to the dungeons!” Potter announced triumphantly, Lily rolled her eyes at the foolish boy.

They walked together to potions class, Lily stressing several times that she had no need for his assistance and he was not doing her a favor, to which James agreed, leaving Lily speechless. Lily was immensely stubborn, and James was just as stubborn in his agreeance.

As they got closer to the dungeons, a hand reached out and pulled Lily towards them, it took her by surprise and made her stumble slightly. James drew his wand, ready to attack the cause of her sudden movement.

“Oh! Sev, you scared me!” Lily coughed.

“Had to get you away from him.” Severus hissed gesturing to Potter.

“Watch it Snape!” Potter barked back, the smile completely gone from his face, the scowl seemed unfamiliar on his joyful features.

“Careful who you associate with Lily, their stupidity might be contagious.”

“Severus!” Lily chided.

“She’s at more risk of catching your warts.” James taunted followed by his own cruel laughter.
Severus had drawn his own wand now. Lily dragged Severus into the classroom before he could cast a spell, or rather a hex. “You shouldn’t let him get you so upset, Severus,” Lily whispered as they found a table across from Mary and Marlene in the very front of the class.

“You shouldn’t talk to him, Lily.” Severus was mad, he had never been mad at Lily before.

“I can make my own decisions.” Lily snapped.

“As can I.” Severus spat back.

Lily bit her tongue to stop from yelling at her friend. He was correct afterall. He had a right to fight with Potter, as stupid as it was, it was his decision to make, even if he made the wrong one.

She took a deep breath as class began. Lily had an immediate fascination with the professor. Slughorn spoke in a posh and precise accent, it was captivating to the point where Lily wondered if it was natural or if it was some kind of spell. With every question asked, Lily’s hand shot up like a rocket, she had read the entirety of the first-year potions book, it was mostly recipes, but there were paragraphs of info here and there that she could make some sense of. It was her favorite textbook she had read, it felt the most sensible, more precise and less intuitive.

By the end of class Lily had almost 5 pages of notes, she was rather proud of herself for it, she wanted to remember every detail that Slughorn said. Other students looked at her like she was dense, or foolish. “You like it then?” Severus asked, glancing at the pages as Lily fumbled to put them in her bag.

“Seems brilliant. It’s kinda like baking I think, at least thought so when he was talking about Cauldron temperature. I love baking, think I’ll love potions as much.” Lily beamed, ecstatic from the success of her first class. She was worried that she would be clueless, but even some of the wizard borns were confused, giving Lily a newfound confidence.

The next class, Defense Against The Dark Arts, was of a similar success. The same however, could not be said for Herbology. Herbology was not and never would be Lily Evan’s forte. She swore that every plant in there shriveled up the second she stepped in the greenhouse and rather loathed the fact that every leaf looked identical to her.

However, the absolute worst of the day was flying lessons, they shared it with the Hufflepuffs. Lily was completely average in this subject. Unable to lift off the ground more than a few inches, and completely unable to fly, but this was normal for the first day. It was made completely intolerable by none other than James Potter, who had apparently been born with a broomstick in his hand. Not only was he flying with ease, but he was also fast, maneuvering tight turns and spins as if he had done it a million times. Lily hated how graceful he managed to be, as if it was more natural than walking. By the end of the lesson, a group of Hufflepuff girls had swarmed Potter to compliment his flying, making Lily’s mood sour even more.

“Bloody hell, did you see Potter?” Marlene asked. In Lily’s opinion, Marlene was in no position to be jealous, she was nearly as fast. “He could be a professional.” Marlene mused.

“Let’s talk about anyone else, please.” Lily groaned, little did she know, she would be echoing that sentiment for years.

Mary had just returned from the showers, after managing to be completely covered in dirt from a poor landing. “Flying is stupid,” Mary mumbled.

“It’s better when you learn how.” Marlene laughed.

Mary pouted, “I don’t want to know how. I like my feet on the ground, thank you very much.” Lily burst out laughing, but Marlene was unamused.

“You’re quite good, at flying.” Lily complimented Marlene.

Marlene nodded, “Thanks, Evans. You fancy potions, eh?”

“More like she fancies Slughorn.” Mary teased.

“Excuse me?” Lily was confused.

“Come on Evans, you were practically drooling over him.” Mary poked Lily’s side.

Lily blushed, “I was not! Like the subject is all.” She defended, to no use.

It was clearly a joke, so Lily just rolled her eyes as Mary taunted her with ‘Mrs. Slughorn’ and similar jabs. Mary kept prodding at the joke until it was no longer funny, which apparently took all throughout Astronomy. Lily could not tell whether she enjoyed the class or not, as the whole class was filled with Mary whispering in her ear, snide remarks, and giggles. Mary had clearly grown tired of classes.

…

A full week of classes had passed. Although Lily loved Potions the most, Charms was what she excelled at. She had effortlessly mastered almost every spell before anyone else in her class, only occasionally being slightly slower than Sirius Black, who had no doubt been much more knowledgeable about the subject. Professor Flitwick liked her as well, commenting many times that he enjoyed her enthusiasm for note-taking, and strongly implying that Lily should have been a Ravenclaw.

“No fair Lily!” Mary whined in the common room.

“What?” Lily asked.

“You’ve got no work!” Mary was surrounded by at least 4 large texts and 6 assignments.

Marlene laughed, “We asked if you wanted to do it with us! You said no.”

Mary rolled her eyes with a huff, clearly regretting her decision earlier that week to take a nap rather than go to the library. The common room was rather empty, it was a Saturday so all the older students were out at Hogsmeade, and most of the younger ones had opted to do their work outside on the grass, leaving the three girls relatively alone, spare the occasional someone wandering through to grab a book or cloak.

“What could you possibly be working on Lily?” Mary scowled as Lily feverishly wrote on parchment.

“Letter home,” Lily answered softly.

“You wrote home yesterday.”

“I write home every day.” Lily corrected. Her parents always wrote back rather quickly, whereas the letters addressed to her sister went completely unanswered. But Lily ignored that, knowing that everything at home was safe and normal.

“Good on you.” Marlene smiled nervously, “I haven’t written mine since the sorting.”

Mary rolled her eyes, “Don’t reckon I’ll write mine.”

“Why not?” Lily asked in disbelief.

“Reckon I’ll be dead before I finish these assignments.” Their resident drama queen garnered a fit of laughter from Marlene, if only for Lily’s shocked expression.

“Wasn’t that funny.” Lily scowled.

Marlene tried to stop giggling and failed, “Your face was.” This caused an eruption of laughter from Mary as well.

“What time is it?” Lily asked after the laughter had died down.

Mary made the face she made when she thought of something funny, a scrunched-up nose with a wicked smile, before confidently stating, “Time for you to get a watch,” and proceeding to have yet another fit of laughter at her own joke. Mary’s laughter was infectious though and even Lily joined in this time.

“It’s almost two.” Marlene finally answered Lily.

“Buggers!” Lily leapt to her feet and ran out of the common room and to the grounds. She had agreed to meet Severus nearly half an hour ago.

She found Severus sitting beneath a tree, exactly where they had agreed to meet. “Severus, I’m so sorry I’m late.” Lily panted.

Severus arched a slender eyebrow, “Are you alright Lily?”

“Yeah, ran here.” She tried to catch her breath. “Sorry Sev, the girls distracted me.” Lily’s smile was sheepish as she finally managed to speak normally.

“The girls?”

“McDonald, and McKinnon.” Lily gave their names as if it wasn’t obvious who she was referring to, she only spent time with them and Severus.

Severus nodded. “I see.”

“You’re upset.” Lily noticed aloud, “What is it?”

“Nothing.” He mumbled.

“You’d like them, Severus, if you got to know them.”

Severus gave a curt nod, clearly disagreeing without saying so. “Those Gryffindors all hate me, you know.” He scowled.

“Who?” Lily wondered, knowing he didn’t mean the girls.

“Potter and Black, Loony bin too. And the short one.” He listed them off, like a shopping list of enemies.

Lily sighed, “Well those boys are bloody idiots. You could beat them at any subject,” The sudden image of Potter on a broom flashed through her mind, “at least any subject with a brain.” Lily was not sure this was true either, recalling Black’s talent for Transfiguration. But Lily didn’t dare correct herself and risk lowering his spirits.
“Thanks, Evans.” Severus smiled. Lily loved making Severus smile. Lily had never cared much for looks, but she could say without a doubt Severus had one of the most charming smiles she had ever seen, and it was a true shame he didn’t smile more often.

…

“Lily! Come play gobstones with us!” Marlene had a wicked smile on her face, as they returned from dinner.

“Gobstones?” Lily asked.

“Wizard game.” Marlene filled in, “Mary’s never played it either.”

Mary rolled her eyes, “It’s not hard, sounds like it’s just marbles.”

Lily sighed and agreed to the game, which consisted of throwing small balls, called gobstones, toward a target. However, Mary and Lily very quickly learned that the main difference between gobstones and marbles was that gobstones sprayed the loser with a foul smelling liquid. Luckily for Mary, she was very good at the game. Very unluckily for Lily, she was by far the worst at the game, being almost completely soaked in the foul liquid by the end. “That’s a nasty trick!” Lily whined while Mary and Marlene laughed. “Never playing this again.”

“Swear Lily, I knew it would shock you the first time, but didn’t know anyone could be so bad at gobstones!” Marlene said through her laughter, Marlene was practically crying now from the laughter. Lily stalked off to the bathroom to wash off with a foul look on her face.

When Lily walked out of the shower, she was in much better spirits and was now able to laugh at her horrible incapability at all things athletic. However, it would be the first and last time she willingly played gobstones.

Chapter Text

“Magic defies logic, Ms. Evans.” Lily had received the correction in History of Magic almost four days ago now. But she simply could not get the words out of her head. It was infuriating.

“Lily, stop sulking.” Marlene chastised, at her breaking point clearly. Lily just glared at her.

Mary huffed under her breath, “I get corrections all the time and I don’t mope around.”

“I don’t!” Lily whined. “He shouldn’t even be a professor here, I clearly know more than him.” Lily picked at her food not eating, angry for the fourth day in a row.

“Merlin’s sake Evans!” Marlene groaned in annoyance, “You can’t bloody well believe that.”

Lily did not believe it, but she also could not wrap her head around the idea that magic was illogical. There simply had to be a reason for what magic could and couldn’t do. She had begun the rather arbitrary task of writing down every unanswered question she had about Hogwarts, or spells, or magic in general. The list was now on page ten, and growing by the second, she was determined to find every answer to every question, and a quest was born.

The quest did not last very long. Lily was testing out her hypothesis on the owlery, she had addressed several different letters, some envelopes were blank, some had addresses some did not, a few were addressed to ghosts, some had no names, and some had no letters inside of them. Lily had sent roughly forty owls out at once, trying to see which letter would return. This got McGonagall's attention immediately, as she walked into the owlery.

“Miss Evans, what in heaven's name are you doing?” McGonagall demanded

Lily went pale, “Data collection?” She gave a slanted smile, just as about half of the owls came flying back in through the window.

“Goodness child!”

“Sorry Professor.” Lily fought back the urge to laugh as the owls poured back in now, they were fast, but also, most of the owls were addressed to Mary and Marlene, so they didn’t have far to go. “Wanted to know how it worked.”

“Miss Evans, I applaud your curious mind and your initiative. However, next time, if you would please simply ask, instead of releasing an army of owls.”

“Yes Professor.” Lily looked down, kind of regretful, she hadn’t thought it would be a fuss at all.

“The pursuit of knowledge is a noble one dear, and I do commend you. Would you like to come by my office sometime after classes, and I can share some of my own findings with you.” The invitation sounded more like an order than a question, but Lily was excited nonetheless.

…

By the time Lily had her meeting with McGonagall her list had three more pages of questions. The older woman peered over her spectacles in disbelief. “Ms. Evans, you’ve brought notes?”

“Yes ma’am. I like to remember everything.” Lily smiled hoping McGonagall would be impressed, but she was not. Rather, Professor McGonagall shook her head and Lily could see the disapproval. “Is something the matter?”

“You remind me of myself at your age.” McGonagall tsked.

Lily reckoned it ought to be a compliment, to be compared to her Professor, but it sounded almost sorrowful. “Is that not a good thing?”

“Miss Evans, you’re a very bright girl. You have so much promise. But I do hope you know that it’s alright to do things just because you enjoy them.” McGonagall smiled a warm, maternal smile, that seemed unwelcome on her stern face. Lily tried not to pull a face at the comment. It was a compliment, was it not? Lily reckoned she did lots of things she enjoyed, such as reading, and studying. Upon further self reflection Lily resolved that she ought to spend more time with Mary and Marlene. “Now dear, what questions did you have for me?”

This caused a smile to spread wide on Lily’s face. By the end of the hour, they had only finished two pages worth of questions, and Lily set up meeting with the professor on a weekly schedule. She was enthralled by every answer that McGonagall gave, but even more ecstatic when her professor could not provide an answer, as Lily saw this as justification to continue her experiments and she preferred hands on learning.

…

The dorm room was peaceful, Mary was in the washroom singing her heart out in the shower. Lily was, as always, working on potions homework and Marlene sat on her bed, tossing a rock in the air repeatedly.

Marlene broke their invisible barriers, “Danny says there are secret passages.” Lily raised an eyebrow, not bothering to look up from her essay. “I think we should hunt for some this weekend, it’d be fun.”

“Doubt it’s true.” Lily commented. “Why would Hogwarts need secret passages?”

Marlene shrugged, “Why would we need to have school in an enormous castle?”

Lily pulled a sour face, unable to argue with that logic, “I don’t know, think we’ll find any?”

“Bet we could!” Marlene cheered, her tongue stuck out in thought, “Think I saw one in the library. Already have a starting spot” Lily just groaned at this.

“Good ol’ stick in the arse Evans.” Mary exited the washroom, in nothing but a towel. Lily averted her eyes back to her parchment immediately. Mary sighed extravagantly, as only Mary could, “I vote we do it. It’ll be fun.”

“Two to one, you have to come now. Keep the lot of us out of trouble.” Marlene smirked with a laugh. Marlene kept tossing the rock, not being able to focus unless she was fidgeting.

Lily groaned, physically shoving her face into the potions textbook to hide from the idiocy. “You’re as bad as the boys.”

“No!” Mary scoffed, offended, “How could you dare accuse us of such awful, unbased allegations?”

“Indeed!” Marlene agreed, “Especially when everyone knows, we’re so much worse than they are!” This caused the usual shrieks of laughter and delight from Mary, that had no doubt been entirely intended.

Lily tried, and failed, to stop herself from smiling. “I agreed to meet Sev on Saturday, can he come?” Lily asked with the sweetest voice she could muster, which undoubtedly had no affect on her three friends.

“That slimy git!” Mary cried out, and Marlene threw the rock at her to shut her up.

“He’s my friend Mary!” Lily protested. “Don’t call him a git.”

Mary looked as though she was about to continue, but one look from Lily shut her up again.

Marlene nodded, “If Snape wants to come, I suppose he can.”

Lily smiled at the words, and the other two girls could not object, she was often worried about Severus. She figured he hadn’t made many friends, he was always alone, or with her. There was Mulciber and Avery too, but Lily didn’t think of them as Severus’ friends, rather she tried her best to avoid thinking about those two at all.

“Thank you!” Lily had only ever wanted people she liked to get along, and it seemed that, much to Lily’s annoyance, Severus got along with a record few number of people.

Question after question popped into her head, about the ‘secret passages’ and the need for them. About spells to change people’s very thoughts. About magic as a whole once more. Lily feverishly grabbed a scrap of parchment and wrote down every single question that blazed through her rapid mind, before setting it on her nightstand with the other hundreds of questions.

“What is that for?” Mary asked. “You’ve been writing on it all week.”

Lily shrugged, “Just questions.”

Mary walked over and grabbed one of the papers. “How do the owls know where to go?” Mary read aloud, she flipped to another page, “Could other animals possess magic? Bloody hell, Evans, are you doing extra homework?”

“No, I'm curious about it, that's all.” Lily returned to her essay.

Marlene sat up straighter, “Curious about what exactly?”

“Magic!” Lily groaned, “There must be some logical pattern behind it. Some genetic component or something.”

Marlene flipped back on her bed, having heard Lily go on about this for the past three days. Mary had somehow managed to tune her out, as she no doubt was doing now, as Lily launched into another monologue about how there simply must be a reason that she was born with magic. Lily was certain there had to be ways to give or take magic, yet no one could explain any of this to her. As a result of her unsatisfied curiosity, Lily had gone near mad with rambling comments, research, and schemes as of late. Her most recent being to see what the portraits were capable of, this had accidentally caused two of the portraits to get into a loud heated argument, which took Filch hours to resolve.

“What did McGonagall say?” Marlene asked, once Lily had recounted how the owls knew where to send the post for the tenth time.

“McGonagall says that trying to find the limits and reasoning of magic is like trying to catch wind in a jar.” Lily recounted, and although Lily was not quite sure she understood the professor entirely, she figured she understood the point that it would be a fleeting pleasure of little use.

This had recaptured Mary’s attention, “You disagree? With McGonagall?”

Lily shrugged, “I don’t think McGonagall quite understands. But if I have magic, I need to know why.”

Mary understood for the first time what was happening with Lily, though Marlene seemed none the wiser. They said no more to each other on the matter, figuring it was best to let Lily work through it herself. The room fell near silent, in a sort of quiet that sat in a liminal space between comfort and disillusion.

…

“You want me to come with you?” Severus whispered skeptically as they worked on their potion.

“Come on Sev,” Lily pleaded, “It’ll be fun!” Lily wasn’t bothering to stay quiet, the entire classroom was filled with chatting and the noise from the bubbling and splattering cauldrons.

Severus grimaced, “Since when do you like to fun Evans?” He stifled his own laughter.

Lily slapped his arm. “I have plenty fun Severus! I am a fun person.” Lily’s stern tone had the exact opposite of the intended effect. When there was no response, she reiterated “I’m a fun person.”

Severus was laughing now, completely unashamed, “Lily, I adore you. But you are not fun.”

Lily’s mouth hung agape. “Why do you hang out with me if I’m no fun?”

“I don’t particularly enjoy ‘fun’.” He said simply. “You’re smart, you’re clever, and we enjoy the same things. But most people don’t define reading and discussion as fun.”

Lily scowled at the cauldron, not wanting to look at Severus. “Does everyone think I’m such a buzzkill?”

Severus shrugged, “I don’t know what everyone else thinks. I think you’re wonderful just how you are.”

“Thank you Sev.” Lily said very softly. “So, would you like to come on Saturday?”

“You won’t see me on Saturday unless I come with you?”

“I promised the girls. Marlene has a whole plan of places to check, and Mary wants to use code names like in a spy movie.” Lily smiled at the thought, warmly recalling the elaborate plans to search the whole castle. “You really don’t want to join us?”

The idea seemed to pain Severus, but when Lily added a simple, “Please, for me?” he agreed instantly.

“You know I’d do anything for you Lily.” He looked into her eyes, and Lily wasn’t quite sure what was happening.

Lily simply smiled, “You’re a great friend Severus.”

“Better than Potter?” He joked, lowering his volume.

Lily groaned quietly in response, “He’s the only up in the mornings!” It had been true, Lily did often eat breakfast with James Potter, and each time they talked Lily had ended up being thoroughly unimpressed, often opting to read a book rather than actually talk to him. But it was better to sit in silence than to eat alone, and the two first years were the only Gryffindors awake at 6am.

“We should add more Valerian sprigs.” Lily mused watching the cauldron, it wasn’t quite the right color.

“We followed the instructions exactly. Give it a minute.” Severus urged.

There was the sound of an explosion, from two rows behind them. Severus ignored it but Lily quickly turned around in shock, wand raised defensively, only to see Potter and Black completely covered in a yellow goo as smoke continued to ooze out of their cauldron.

“Did you do that?” Lily asked Severus.

Severus finally turned around to look, he was confused for a second, before bursting into a laughing fit, “No, didn’t mess with their potion. That’s their own stupidity.”

“Accidents happen!” Slughorn called, “Boys head down to Madam Pomfrey, and the rest of you get back to your own work, lest you suffer a similar fate.” Lily and Severus couldn’t stop giggling for the rest of class envisioning Black and Potter’s stunned and goop covered faces.

“More valerian sprigs yet?” Lily urged, absolutely certain it was needed, and after five minutes of waiting, Severus finally agreed. Their potion being the best in the class by a mile, and the only one that had the intended effect when they tested them on the rats, and putting them gently to sleep.

“Brilliant!” Slughorn cheered, and Lily beamed with pride. “10 points to both your houses!”

…

Saturday came and the three girls were giddy with excitement to hatch their plan. Mary had been practicing locator spells all week and Marlene had about a dozen letters from Danny on the passages he knew about. Lily however, was less excited about finding secret passages and more excited about the idea of her friends hanging out with Severus.

Severus wasn’t there. “He said he’d be here.” Lily said as they stood in fron of the great hall, where they had agreed to meet Severus.

“I’m sure he’s just late Lily, we can wait.” Marlene assured, they talked and joked to pass the time. But time kept passing and there was no sign of Severus.

It had been half an hour, “It’s fine Lily, who need him.” Mary shrugged. “His loss really.”

“No, you guys go. You’ve been looking forward to it. I’ll catch up in a bit.” Lily let her friends start without her, and she waited for him where he said he would be. Another half hour passed. Then another. No sign of Severus. Lily got up to search for him, worried about his safety. After an hour of frantic and worried searching she found him, outside, by the tree they normally met at. “Severus Snape!” Lily yelled at him, “How could you?”

He looked up from his book, eyes snapping to meet Lily’s “What?”

“You said you’d come. You didn’t! I waited for hours for you, I thought you were hurt.” Lily was screaming at him, all her emotions spilling out like a bursting dam.

He didn’t say anything, not for a while. “I can’t be seen with them.” Was his only comment, it was small and weak.

“What?” Lily spat incrediously.

“It’s bad enough I’m friend’s with one Gryffindor, imagine if I’m following a gaggle of Gryffindor girls, Lily! Do you know how that would make me look?”Snape kept his voice low, like he didn’t want anyone to hear, the exact opposite of the scene Lily was creating.

“I didn’t realize your image meant so much to you.” Lily said sadly, “Thought you could keep a promise.” Lily left before Severus could say another word, she didn’t look for the girls, she went back to her dorm room and sat alone in silence.

Chapter Text

Lily had not spoken to Severus in two weeks, at least not outside of potions class. She refused to speak until he gave a proper apology, and he had refused to apologize, so the two stubborn first years had nothing to say to each other. This left Lily in a sour mood, as she was fighting with her best friend, and her other friends had been laughing over jokes that she was not there for ever since they went on that stupid passage hunt. Lily was utterly lonely, miserable, and homesick.

“Danny sent me an autograph to give to Potter.” Marlene rolled her eyes, “Apparently he’s a fan boy. Been pestering me about it lately.”

Lily bit her lip nervously, her sister hadn’t replied to a single one of her letters. She didn’t say it though, she didn’t want people to pity her more than they already did. Lily knew Petunia was alright, her parents had said so, but it still hurt. Petunia was her sister afterall. Petunia was annoying and bossy, but they were sisters, and sisters were supposed to respond to each others letters. It was making Lily more upset than anything.

Mary never mentioned her siblings either. Lily knew Mary had siblings, but was not sure how many, what gender, or what age. It was an unspoken agreement between the two muggle-borns, not to ask about them, and Lily was quite grateful for it at the moment, though she resented Marlene’s endless supply of sibling love.

“Lily?” Marlene asked. Lily hummed in response, picking at her lunch. “Are you feeling okay? You’re pale as a ghost.”

Lily shrugged. “Suppose so.” She didn’t want to talk about her sister with anyone, and she didn’t want to mention Severus to the girls, knowing they had warned her.

“What ever happened to that list of yours?” Mary questioned, changing the subject.

“I meet with McGonagall every Thursday, we discuss my questions. I’m understanding more though, less questions about general magic and those sorts of things.” Lily filled them in, but that also felt private. Lately, Lily had felt every question and conversation seemed like she was sharing a deep secret, although Lily had never had many true secrets.

A Supremes record blared through the girls’ dormitory. It had always been Lily’s favorite, and she was certain it was intended to cheer her up. “Supposed to rain tomorrow, flying class should be cancelled.” Marlene kept saying, another very obvious gesture.

“Bloody hope so.” Mary sighed, she had ended up covered in dirt or mud after almost every lesson. “Hate that stupid class.”

“Hey!” Marlene protested, “Astronomy is much worse!”

Mary, as per usual, threw herself onto the nearest surface, this time it was Marlene’s bed. “Can’t get a bloody moment’s peace away from her! Marl’s never lets me complain about anything!”

“Be obnoxious in your own space, why don’t you.” Marlene playfully pushed Mary off the bed.

Mary decided to drape herself over the next closest surface, of Lily’s lap. “Lily save me!” Mary cried out, and Lily couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re laughing! I’m in proper distress and you lot are laughing?” Mary basked in her own dramatic flare.

By the end of that night’s antics Lily was no longer mad or even annoyed at the girls, but she wasn’t really talking to them still. Not purposefully or out of malice, Lily just didn’t want to speak to anyone. Lily went through her days, throwing herself into book after book, refusing to do anything besides study. She had insisted on staying well educated in the muggle way of things as well, and Mrs. Evans sent piles of books at every chance. Books didn’t ask questions about your life, there was no complication and if she was mad at a book, she could ignore it and not care. Lily liked books much more than she liked people recently, even her closest of friends.
Lily had also recently decided that Jane Austen was her favorite author. The language was simple, but clear but witty, and she found herself likening it to her own thoughts. Lily was never seen without a book in her hand, not even at bed, as she would almost always fall asleep during the late hours in the night, and wake up with the book lying open on her chest.

“What are you reading?” Remus Lupin asked, sitting down beside Lily on the common room couch. Lily looked up at him, confused by his sudden presence. “Sorry, don’t mean to intrude.”

“No, it’s alright.” Lily shook her head trying to rearrange her thoughts to be suitable for human conversation, “Sense and Sensibility, do you like Austen?”

Remus shrugged, “I like reading, haven’t read many muggle books. Is it good?”

“I love it, love all her work lately. I can lend you one, got loads.” Lily offered with a smile.

Remus returned the smile, but it looked strange, almost painful, and Lily wondered if maybe it was painful for the boy to smile, with all the scars along his face. “I’d like that Evans.”

Lily groaned before realizing she was being rude. Remus gave a confused look. “Sorry, um, call me Lily, please. Evans is so stuffy, and a boys name.” This made Remus laugh, and Lily was glad to finally have befriended the boy from the train.

Lily and Remus started a book club of sorts, trading novels and discussing them at every chance that they could. She hadn’t expected Remus to like the girly romance, but he seemed captivated by them. Remus lent her Wizard books, lots of strange works of fiction Lily had never encountered before. Even when they were not discussing their latest reads, they were often found together lately, either reading quietly, playing chess, or working on assignments, they were probably the most punctual first years when it came to assignments.

“What happened to your friend, Severus?” Remus asked one day, while working on potions homework.

“Got into a fight, haven’t made up yet.” Lily admitted, she was somehow fine discussing Severus with Remus, he seemed safe. He at least wouldn’t tell her she was wrong for it, Remus enjoyed gossip and drama, but was also probably the least likely of any of her friends to spread rumors, preferring to keep secrets to himself.

“You will soon.” He shrugged, “You always do, with friends and stuff.” Lily appreciated his confidence in the matter.

It was Lily’s turn to pry now, “What about you, not hanging out with the boys lately?”

“They got themselves detention all week with McGonagall.”

“What for?”

A smile played at his thin lips, “Did you not notice the suits of armor?” Lily raised an eyebrow, “Well, we charmed them the other day, kept asking stupid riddles with no answers. The Ravenclaws got almost no work done the whole day trying to solve them.”

“That’s why the halls were so crowded Monday!” Lily put together, and Remus nodded proudly, “Were you not with them?”

Remus laughed, “I was, just not when they got caught.”

“Had no idea you were an evil mastermind Remus.” Lily teased him. Remus blushed and laughed again, more awkwardly this time.

…

Remus had been missing most of the afternoon. Lily had been hanging out with him most evenings lately and he was nowhere to be seen. She expected that the other boys had finally gotten done with detention, and she was probably abandoned. That was until she saw the other three boys in the common room, with no Remus in sight.

Begrudgingly she approached them, “Hey, Potter?” Lily asked and at the sound of her voice Potter immediately snapped his head to look at her.

“Yeah Evans?” He responded to eagerly.

“Have you seen Remus?”

There was a shake of the head, and then Potter turned to face the other two boys, Pettigrew hadn’t seen him either, “Think he’s in medical, wasn’t feeling well earlier.” Black finally answered.

“Is he alright?” Lily’s voice was soft and filled with honest concern.

Black gave an unsure nod, “Yeah, think so, said he’d probably have to stay overnight, but he’ll be better in the morning.” He tried to return to their game of gobstones.

“He has to stay overnight?”

Pettigrew answered this time, “It’ll be okay Evans. He has a medical condition or something. He doesn’t like to talk about it, but ‘parently this happens loads.”

Lily was not content with the answer, but nodded nonetheless, “Alright I suppose, thanks lads.” Lily was about to stalk off back to her own dormitory, when a voice called her back.

“Oi, Evans wait!” It was James Potter. Lily turned to face him. “Want to play?” He had a cheeky smile as he gestured to the game. Lily was tempted to agree, before remembering that she was utterly horrible at the game, and had ended up sprayed in the putrid ooze when she last played. So instead, Lily ran away in a frantic hurry to get away from the foul liquid.

…

At breakfast while quietly reading a book, it was just Potter and Evans awake as always. An owl swooped dwon and dropped three letters in front of Lily. One, from her parents, one from Severus, which Lily ignored. The only one she cared about was the one from Petunia. The envelope was purple that’s how she instantly knew it was from her sister, all of Petunia’s stationary was purple. Lily stared at the envelope for a second, wondering if it was a trap, if glitter would cover her when the letter was opened.

Lily delicately opened the letter, and saw her sister’s familiar handwriting.

Lily,
Mum misses you, won’t stop blabbering about it. Come home so she might stop wailing about missing ‘her sweet baby Lily’! It’s obnoxious, more obnoxious than you being here (and I didn’t think that was possible)!
I hope freak show circus school is okay. I’m doing great at normal regular people school and am very very smart, going to be top of my class at this rate, just so you know.
Make some friends besides Severus, never liked him.
Your loving, beautiful, smart, kind, caring sister,
Petunia Evans

Lily looked at the note and wondered why she had ever wanted Petunia to write back in the first place, she should have known how snarky Pet was. But knowing her sister was speaking to her again made her feel much more comforted, less alone. Lily couldn’t stand the thought of anyone being angry at her, much less her own sister. She didn’t write back yet, she wrote Petunia on every Monday and was determined to continue with that schedule. She didn’t want to make a fuss over the response, even though it was indeed, a very big deal.

Lily was beaming, she was in such a good mood that morning, she even talked to her arch nemesis, James Potter.

“How are you Potter?” Lily beamed, and he was startled at first, like it was a trap and she would yell at him again, or snap. Lily instantly felt just a little guilty about her treatment of the boy, but just slightly, as he was still very annoying.

“I’m pretty good Evans!” He cheered, tossing his hair every which way. “Got mail, eh?”

Lily nodded, “My sister wrote back.” She was unable to hide the smile on her face.

“Didn’t know you had a sister, what’s she like?” James asked, he was very earnest, and for a moment Lily could see why people were charmed by him.

“Her name’s Petunia. She’s a muggle, like my parents. She’s absolutely obnoxious, a perfectionist snob. But she’s smart, and she’s rather pretty. When we were little she used to dress me up like I was her doll and we’d put on fashion shows for our parents. We used to have loads of fun. Though lately, we’ve been getting into it, Mum says all sisters do. But over the Summer, she put a snail on my pillow, so I put a frog in her closet. Things like that, she’s the worst, dreadful really. But she’s my sister, love her anyway.” Lily’s smile was bright, spreading past her mouth, and creasing her eyes.

If asked the moment he fell in love with Lily Evans, James Potter would go on to cite this very moment, when the two first years ate breakfast and James saw her truly happy for the first time. He’d wanted to see that smile the rest of his life.

The rest of breakfast Potter did everything he could to keep Lily talking about Petunia. They completely ignored the other’s when they finally came down for breakfast, too busy recalling their favorite stories of their families.

…

“Lily, I’m sorry, please.” Severus was begging now, she had been ignoring him for nearly two weeks, which is the longest she had ever gone not speaking to him. Though this was the first time he apologized in those weeks.

Lily looked around the potions classroom, everyone was busy with their own work. “Severus, do we have to do this now?”

“Yes! I can’t take it anymore.” He pleaded.

Lily huffed, “You went back on a promise Severus. All I wanted is for my friends to get along and you couldn’t give them a chance.”

“So that’s why you hang out with Potter and Loony now?” He snapped back.

“Don’t call him that, his name is Remus.” Lily wasn’t sure what his problem was, “This has nothing to do with them. You hurt my feelings Sev! You promised you would try and you didn’t.”

Severus looked towards the floor, then at Lily, then finally his eyes landed on the cauldron. “I’m really sorry Lily, I messed up. It’s just hard sometimes, the things the Slyhterins say, when they know we’re friends.”

“What do they say?”

“Nothing nice, I don’t want to upset you.” He swept it aside, “But please, can we be friends again? I miss you, Lily.”

Lily sighed and nodded, “I miss you too, Severus. Meet you tomorrow at the regular spot?” They agreed on the plan and the two misfits from the muggle town were once again best friends.

Chapter Text

Halloween had always been Lily Evans’ favorite holiday, she was brimming with delight about it. Lily was strangely excited to spend Halloween away from her family, she wanted to share it with her new friends instead. This came much to the dismay of Lily’s roommates, as the dormitory was littered with pumpkins, all of which Lily had insisted on carving herself, leaving heaps of the mushy innards whenever she was working on a new one.

“Evans! Clean it up will you?” Mary cried out accidentally stepping on some of the gunk.

“Just a second Mary! I’m almost done!” Lily finished off carving the smile. “There! Do you like it?” She proudly presented her work, which was just yet another crooked face carved into a pumpkin.

“It’s lovely. But can you clean up please?” Mary asked again, Mary was extraordinarily neat and preferred the dorm to be the same way. This was not Lily’s strong suit, Lily hated cleaning, and her portion of the dorm often reflected this, it was rare that books were not strewn about or noted and parchment piled high on her bedside table. Marlene was not particularly neat either, but Marlene’s mess was mostly clothes carelessly tossed about with an occasional candy wrapper, absolutely zero pumpkin guts.

Lily scooped up the mess, which she had carefully kept onto copies of the daily prophet so she wouldn’t have to scrub the floors, and placed it in the trash. She had carved at least 6 jack-o-lanterns in the past week, which everyone else deemed excessive, but Lily found it tame.

“What do you even do with those things?” Marlene questioned.

Lily shrugged, “They’re just decorations. I think they’re fun, Halloween spirit and all.”

“My family doesn’t really do all the holiday stuff.” Marlene scowled, she had a tendency to find herself a tad bit superior than everyone, due to her family’s wealth.

Lily just rolled her eyes, “Everyone says I’m the stick in the mud, but here you are Marls.”

“Hey!” She squeaked, “I just don’t see the point in Halloween.”

Lily giggled, “There isn’t one really, it’s just for fun. Want to carve a pumpkin?”

Marlene pulled a disgusted face, and they left it there. Mary was truly the only one even close to as excited as Lily was. As the day drew closer, Mary helped to carve a few pumpkins of her own, and they both insisted on playing Monster Mash on the record player until they all knew the words. Perhaps it was a muggle thing, but Lily had been certain that wizards would love Halloween, if they gave it a proper go.

…

The boys or, as they were now calling themselves, ‘the marauders’ went all out for Halloween. Apparently they decided that the ‘trick’ part of ‘trick or treat’ was rather appealing, as they hid dungbombs all over the castle, rigged waterballoons, and covered the common room in toilet paper. Receiving a very public telling off from McGonagall. While Lily had never been one for pranks, she found it perfectly delightful for Halloween, it felt fitting, and joyful. She’d offered to help Remus when he was telling her about it, but he insisted that she ‘leave it to the professionals’ and she was glad she did or else she would have gotten a weeks detention.

It was exactly as Lily had hoped, it was a wonderful day filled with even more magic than was normally around the castle. Lily’s favorite prefect, Frank Longbottom, gave out handfuls of candy to all the first years. Lily never thought she would get used to her chocolate jumping and squirming to get away, but it was extremely fun. The feast was brilliant, ghosts swirled around the greathall. There was even more food than usual, which Lily hadn’t thought possible, and all of the sweets were pumpkin flavored. Lily thought she might die of happiness and she could not possibly wipe the grin from her face. Halloween was truly, her favorite holiday.

…

Lily and Remus sat in the library, tucked into a corner in the back. “I don’t understand astronomy!” Lily groaned, finally giving up on staring at the tiny dots on her paper.

“Peter’s good at it.” Remus commented.

“Are you any good at it?”

Remus shrugged, “I can memorize the stars well enough. But I don't understand the movement much, or the point of any of it.”

Lily sighed dramatically, she had been spending too much time with Mary. “That’s not going to help me much I’m afraid, it’s one of my worst subjects.”

Remus cocked his head, “What’s your worst?”

“Herbology.” Lily cringed, remembering how she had to see Madam Pomfrey after a shrieking mandrake accidentally bursted one of her eardrums, she couldn’t hear for hours.

“Mine is flying.” Remus commented, but Lily had known that, everyone had known that, but she wouldn’t dare torture him over it.

They both worked on their own again, just for a little while, “Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you hate Severus?” Lily asked, she’d been wanting to ask for a while.

“He’s rude Lily. He picks on me, you know, for my scars.”

Lily hadn’t known this, “I didn’t know. I’m sorry Remus, I’ll get him to stop.”

“Don’t bother.” Remus shrugged, “Just words, I call him stuff back, I can take care of myself.”

“It’s not right though.” Lily slammed her hand on the table to emphasize her point. “I don’t want you boys bullying each other.”

“Care for me that much Evans?” Remus teased and Lily shoved him.

“Not like that!” She crossed her arms, “You know what I mean, I just don’t get why you guys all fight all the time.”

“We just don’t like each other. It’s fine. He picks on us, we pick on him.”

“Four against one though?”

“It's not our fault he doesn’t have back up.” Remus shrugged, and Lily rolled her eyes and sat straighter. “He starts it, in my defense.”

“Sev swears you lot start it.” Lily’s voice was strained yet warm, like reprimanding a small child.

“I don’t. Sirius does, I’ll give him that much.”

“Bloody Black.” Lily murmed, earning a laugh from Remus.

“Sirius isn’t so bad, give him a chance.”

Lily pretended to gag, “Him and Potter are the most arrogant people I’ve ever met.”

“Might have a point there.” Remus relented.

A group of fifth year Slytherins walked up to them, Lily and Remus ignored them, or tried to. There was some whispering and the manic giggles, Lily shoved her head further into her book. Suddenly a burst of light and she was knocked clean off her chair, a crashing sound and her wand landing in one of the fifth years hands as they laughed. Lily tried to scramble up from the floor to regain some dignity, but was instantly hit a third time with a jelly legs jinx, leaving her where she was. She had never been hit with a spell before, much less three in succession. She felt dizzy, her vision blurred. She wondered if she was dead, or dying. It didn’t hurt, not badly, but her heart was beating too loud and fast to take much in besides the throbbing sensation where her elbow hit the floor.

“Look at the mudblood squirm, can’t even defend herself.” A blonde one laughed. The words swam in her head. Nestling themselves deep. Had that been why she was hit, cause of her parents? Lily couldn’t understand, she tried hard to, but she couldn’t.

“Hey, leave her alone!” Remus yelled, he was quick, already in a dueling stance. Remus casted spell after spell it was more rapid than she had ever seen. He managed to disarm all of them before Lily had even seen what was happening, one of them to fell to the ground with a thud, but the other two seemed almost frozen in place. They must have hit Remus with something, or tried to, but he had managed to defend himself.

By the time Lily had processed everything Remus was already running to get help. Lily’s head pounded now that the fear and adrenaline wore off, she was certain she had a concussion. Frank Longbottom came a few moments later. “Evans, you alright?”

“They jinxed me, jelly legs.” She said softly, ashamed it had happened.

“Alright, McGonagall should be over to deal with the fifth years. I’ll help you over to medical.” He smiled assuringly before picking Lily up. “It happens, I’ve been cursed a few times.” Lily just nodded, she didn’t feel like talking.

The medical wing was much nicer than Lily had imagined, it was large with sprawling windows and neatly lined cotts. Madam Pomfrey, a stout and gray haired medi-witch, had Frank set Lily on one of the cots. Frank made sure Lily was alright one last time before leaving to perform prefect rounds.

Remus was already waiting in the hospital wing for her, that made her smile, that he was so worried. But Remus wasn’t allowed to see her until Madam Pomfrey gave her the all clear. The examination took far too long in Lily’s opinion, but ultimately she had to drink an awful tasting potion and wait overnight. She’d be fine in the morning.

Remus was finally allowed past the curtain. “Feeling okay?”

Lily winced, the real answer was no, she could feel her bones slowly growing and it hurt an awful amount. But that felt rude, “Yeah, better.”

“They got a months of detention, the attackers.”

“Good. They deserve at least that much.” Lily was mad, and she felt dignified in being so angry. “How’d you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Fight back so quickly.”

Remus shrugged, his signature painfully awkward smile on his face, “My dad taught me. He was a championship dueller.”

“Really?” Lily was stunned, she’d never imagined Remus’ parents doing anything of spectacle. Granted, she’d never met Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, but she had always imagined Remus came from a long line of cubicle jobs and paperwork. “You have to teach me Remus, please?”

Remus considered it, “I’ll help you with defense spells if you help me with charms.”

“Deal.” It wasn’t even a thought, Lily needed it. They sat in silence for a second. Remus was one of the very few people at Hogwarts who, like Lily, enjoyed sitting in silence. Speaking was allowed of course, but not necessary, the silence was only broken if there was something that they felt had to be said. “Remus?” Lily’s voice came out shakily.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell anyone?” Lily pleaded. Remus nodded, but that wasn’t good enough. “Please? You have to promise me. If people think, or if they know, that I can’t defend myself. I’ll be dead.”

“I promise Lily. It’ll be our secret.” Remus was incredibly sincere. The idea of a secret not bothering him in the slightest, it was as if was nothing but secrets. Lily would’ve trusted Remus Lupin with her life in that moment, if he asked her to.

Lily winced from a sudden shock of pain, and a smile tugged at Remus’ lips. “What’s so funny?” She spat at him.

“It really hurts, doesn’t it?”

“Like hell!” Lily groaned and Remus laughed.

It was nearly 10pm before Madam Pomfrey kicked Remus out, apparently Madam Pomfrey was quite fond of the boy. “Get some rest dear. You’ll feel better in the morning.” The kind witch said in a tone that reminded Lily much of her mother, and Lily did as she was told, sleeping more peacefully than she had in weeks in the near silent medical wing.

…

“Lily!” Mary’s voice was loud, but then again, Mary was always loud.

Lily groaned as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she never slept late, but she supposed your bones growing back would be exhausting enough to warrant a lie in. Lily drew back the curtain to see Madam Pomfrey trying to quiet the two Gryffindor girls. Lily felt stiff as she moved. “I’m alright.” She called out in hopes of taming her friends. Lily sat up, and Madam Pomfrey examined her once more before letting her leave with the two rambunctious girls.

“What happened? Remus wouldn’t say!” Mary questioned.

“Got sick, that’s all.” Lily did not want to talk about the previous nights incidents. So as the barrage of questions intensified, Lily kept quiet.

Lily was often quiet, but never this quiet. She had never been unwilling to talk. She’d never gone days without sending her family letters. She’d never missed her meeting with McGonagall. It had been nearly a week since she raised her hand in class. Lily wouldn’t talk to anyone except Remus. “Look at the mudblood squirm, can’t even defend herself” the words kept ringing in her ears, scaring her as if someone was whispering to her. She wasn’t sure whether this was a curse, or her mind torturing her. The weather was colder, giving Lily an excuse to not meet Severus at their weekly meetup, though she was hardly seen anywhere besides classes and the common room.

Lily didn’t feel safe, all she did was read, do schoolwork, and talk to Remus. Unfortunately, Remus was in detention again this week, so Lily just read quietly. The girls knew something happened, but they didn’t dare ask. Everyone treated Lily like a ghost. But Lily just wanted to go home. She’d never been surrounded by so many people and felt so alone. All of the mystic wonder she had felt entering Hogwarts for the first time, had almost instantly faded when she was hit with those spells. She hadn’t been hurt, not badly, but the knowledge that she could be horrified her.

…

Lily went to see McGonagall that afternoon, once again with her list of questions. Their meeting started as it always had, with Lily asking questions at a rapid fire speed with the professor answering back at an equally intense pace. But McGonagall ended up stopping Lily not long into their meeting, “Miss Evans, have you been doing alright?”

“Of course professor.” Lily said instantly on instinct.

“You were attacked earlier this week, it’s alright to feel confused by it.”

Lily blinked wildly for a few minutes, she stared down at her notes and realized what questions she had been asking, and that they were clearly all in reference to her recent incident, many being things like ‘At what frequency are students attacked by other students?’ and ‘How many times is based on blood-status?’ Lily figured that must have given her away, but she hadn’t even processed asking them, she just asked and wrote down McGonagalls replies word for word not letting any of the information have time to truly process. “I’m not confused Professor. I know what happened, and I know why. Suppose it’s just changed my questions about the wizarding world for this week.”

“Would you like to talk about it?” She asked, her face soft, and her eyes crinkled in worry.

Lily wanted to say no, she wanted to hide under her covers and never come out, she felt embarrassed by the whole thing. “I feel foolish. I’m not like the others here. There’s not many muggle-borns, at least not in my year. There’s me, Mary, 2 Ravenclaw boys, and 3 Hufflepuffs. It’s easy to pick on us, and it’s harder for us to keep our grades up. Lot of the basic stuff they all know, and we’re learning everything all at once and it’s bloody difficult.” Lily continued to talk about her anger at being a muggle-born, and her struggles, and McGonagall just sat there and listened to her. It meant a lot to Lily, to have an adult just listen, to be able to talk without worrying about what her friends would think. After Lily had finished, and their weekly meeting ended, Lily felt like herself for a few hours. However, the delight was shortlived, as the fear returned again the second she saw the fifth years in the Great Hall.

Chapter Text

On a cold night in early December, Severus waited outside the Gryffindor common room. He was up early, it was hardly 6am, she didn’t know how long he had been waiting there. “Lily?” Severus’ eyes were wide and glassy. Lily still didn’t speak, she couldn’t get the words to come out. She didn’t know what to say, she felt a pang of guilt, she had been ignoring him, she knew that. “You don’t have to say anything.” Severus assured, as if he was reading her mind. “Can we go for a walk?” He asked, and Lily nodded, before strolling beside him.

They walked in silence, before ending up in one of the stray corridors. Severus sat down on a bench, and Lily sat beside him. There was an overwhelming quiet, a tension they hadn’t felt before. “Lily, I know what happened.”

“I’m sorry Sev. I should have-” Lily started to apologize, but Severus just wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. Lily cried, It was the first time she cried at Hogwarts, it felt overdue. She hadn’t realized how long it had been since she was hugged, and she didn’t know how much she needed it. She held onto Severus like he would disappear. He was her lifeline. They clung to each other, and time stopped. Lily’s thoughts cleared, and for the first time in weeks she felt like herself, she felt normal, even for a fleeting moment.

“Lily, it won’t happen again. I’ll make sure of it.” His pitch black eyes stared into her radiant green ones.

Lily just shook her head, “Sev, you can’t.”

“I can Lily, trust me.” He sighed, “I promise.”

She didn’t believe him, but she didn’t want to talk about that. It was over now, it had lasted far too long, and now it was over, at least for a moment. Lily was never sure what Severus did, or said, but she wasn’t messed with again, not for a long while.

…

It took a few days for things to go completely back to normal, or as close to normal as they could be. Lily still never told anyone what had happened. But after a few dance parties in the dorm, the girls forgave her for being moody and just expressed their love and concern for each other in the typical mushy way that young girls did.

The dorm room was quiet, the only noise the Beatles record playing lowly. Mary was painting her nails a shade of red that definitely broke dress code. Lily was helping Marlene study for a History of Magic test.

“So the gargoyles were on strike?” Marlene clarified.

“Yeah, halted all of the workforce until they were given more rights.”

Marlene screwed up her face in thought, “But don’t they just sit there?”

Lily tsked, “They’re guardians, against dark magic and harm to the buildings they guard.”

“So did they win?”

“No, wizards won, cut off their sentience.” Lily sighed, she thought the idea was barbaric, but then again, they were just enchanted stone.

Marlene groaned, “I’m going to fail this test!”

“There’s a test?” Mary shrieked. Marlene and Lily stared at her dumbfounded, it was evident she had not been listening in class for at least the past week. The other girl quickly joined the study session, pouring over notes late into the night. It was nearly 2am when Lily went to sleep. Marlene fell asleep on the floor with a book open and Mary had decided that she knew it well enough and went to bed an hour ago.

The test went exactly as Lily had expected, she was a bit nervous about the one question on the Werewolf code of conduct, but other than that she felt she did very well. The same could not be said for her dormmates. Marlene was fairly confident, and Mary was extremely confident in the fact she had utterly failed the test, but she let it roll off.

…

“Remus, slow down!” Lily panted, and Remus finally stopped shooting off spells for a second. They were in an empty classroom practing defensive spells. “You’re bloody fast.”

“If someone attacks you, it’s gonna be fast Lily!” He was frantic with energy and his voice ended up high and squeaky. Remus was strange, he was energized by the magic coursing through him instead of exhausted by it. “Come on, up and at ‘em!”

Lily shook her head, “Can we do charms instead?” she begged. Their lessons were helping Lily immensely, she knew about 10 defensive spells now, and a few hexes. Her issue was mostly speed based, she didn’t trust her instincts enough.

“That’s no fair!” Remus complained, “You know I’m awful at the new one, the unlocking one.”

“You’re too forceful, that’s all, come on!” Lily urged until they switched topics of study. Lily much liked teaching or tutoring. She wondered if she’d be a teacher like her mum one day. She careful helped Remus with his wandwork until it was fluid. Then the pronunciation, which was only difficult due to the thick welsh accent he had.

“That’s what I said.” Remus kept mumbling getting grumpier, every single time Lily insisted that he needed to stress the second syllable. Then he finally did it, unlocking the door of the classroom, with a flawless casting. “There we go!” He threw his hands up in victory making Lily laugh.

“Knew you could. You’re brilliant at transfiguration, don’t know why you have so much trouble with charms.”

Remus shrugged, “There’s more wandwork in charms, it’s always the wandwork. Defensive are easy, you just point.” It made sense when Lily considered it, especially with his battered state, his many scars that made it look painful to live in his own body.

The urge to ask where he had gotten all the scars emerged. But she knew it would be rude. The politeness was often overpowered by curiosity, but she had noticed that when others asked he would make up an obviously fake answer. Mary had claimed that Remus got them from saving children from a burning orphanage. Marlene had claimed that the scars were from a particularly vicious toad.

Lily looked at Remus and in a particularly bold moment finally asked, “How did you get all the scars, Remus?”

Remus laughed, “I’m a werewolf obviously.” A wide and wicked smile across his face.

Lily just rolled her eyes. “Should’ve known.” She joked along. “Any plans for the holidays?”

“Going home, Mum’s frantic. Only child so she misses me like mad.”

“I wish I was an only child.” Lily pouted, “My sister has had nearly four months to plan ways to make me miserable.”

“Thought you liked your sister?”

“I do, I love my sister, but it’s hard to explain besides that she’s an annoying brat.”

Remus laughed, “You sound like Sirius.”

“Never compare me to Black.” She groaned.

“James keeps talking about you.”

“Potter talks about everything. He never stops talking.”

“Wants me to put in a good word.” Remus was far too casual as he said it.

Lily raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“You’re the only Gryffindor who doesn’t adore him. Think it’s bothering him.”

“I hardly even like Potter, he shouldn’t push his luck.” Lily remarked, suddenly straightening her posture.

“That’s just it, reckon he’s never met someone who doesn’t instantly like him.”

“Arrogant tosser.” Lily murmured. Remus laughed again. “Snape doesn’t like him, does he need Severus to adore him too?”

“Nah, he knows that’s warranted.”

“He knows Sev is my friend, right?”

Remus kicked at the ground, “Whole school knows that. Not that anyone can understand it.” Lily ignored the comment, not wanting to start a fight, Remus changed “How’d you do on that History test?”

…

The train ride home caused a large stir of emotions in young Lily. Lily was glad to know she would soon see her parents, but extremely disappointed by the sudden absence of magic. Lily sat on the train with Mary and Marlene. Mary was extremely nervous to go back home, “Love my family of course! But haven’t written my mum much, she’s gonna be right mad.”

Lily just sighed and stared out the window at the passing trees. “I’m sure it’ll be fine Mary, you musn’t be so dramatic.”

“Yeah? You not worried at all?” Mary raised an eyebrow.

Lily looked towards her friend, “Not to see my parents.” Lily was not nervous to see her parents, but she was anxious to see Petunia. She knew she shouldn’t be bothered by her sister, but she was always and very easily bothered by her sister.

“I want a new broom for Christmas.” Marlene said as it was an epiphany.

Lily cocked her head. “Huh?”

“A new broom. That’s what I’ve decided I want for Christmas, couldn’t think of anything. Been trying to come up with something for days. What did you two ask for?”

“I want a new purse.” Mary answered instantly, clearly having thought about it.

Lily didn’t have a real answer, she had never been particularly materialistic, “I don’t know, books?”

“Haven’t you read them all?” Mary asked.

Lily laughed, “No, I have not read every book ever written.”

“You’ll get there one day.” Marlene smirked, “Are you seeing Snape over break?”

“Not sure, he doesn’t come outside much in the winter.” Lily shrugged. “I’m going to miss you two though, don’t have many friends back home.”

Mary had started braiding Lily’s hair, fawning over her. “At least you have a sister! I have three bratty little brothers.”

“Brother’s aren’t that bad.” Marlene corrected.

“Are too! Maybe not yours but they’re way older, don’t even live with you!” Mary winged, “They hardly even count.”

Marlene rolled her eyes, “I miss you Macdonald. Whatever will I do without your whining for two whole weeks?”

“You’ll miss my whining, it’s quite charming. Mother says I have spunk.” Mary stuck out her tongue at Marlene before returning to fiddling with Lily’s hair.

“You’ve certainly got spunk Mary.” Lily laughed, causing Mary to pull her hair a little tighter.

…

The Evan’s household had been extremely quiet the past few months. Utterly quiet, and utterly ordinary. This was put to an immediate end the second that Lily walked through her front door. As snow fell quietly onto the lawn, coating all of Cokeworth in a thin white veil, the only noise that echoed was the screaming of the Evans’ sisters.

“Mum! Lily stole my sweater!” Petunia screamed, the two girls had been wrestling on the floor over the garment for the past six minutes.

“It’s mine! You took it while I was at school!” Lily was pulling Petunia’s hair now. “Give it back!”

“No!” Petunia shrieked as the girls clawed back and forth. The arm of the sweater tore clean off.

“Mum!” The sisters yelled in unison now.

“Look what you did!” Petunia scowled.

Lily huffed, “Give it here, and don’t tell anyone about this, especially mum!” She grabbed both halves of the sweater and pulled out her wand. With a neat flick she repaired the sweater. “There, fixed.”

“I don’t want it now! Dirty freak sweater.” Petunia grumbled.

“Good, cause it’s my sweater anyways.” Lily neatly folded her sweater and put it in the drawer.

“Is that what you learn? At your weird school?” Petunia was as genuine as she could be while still being utterly insulting.

“Sort of, there’s more to it than that.”

“Show me.” Petunia insisted, her lips pressed into a thin line, as if she was annoyed that she chose to ask.

“I’m not supposed to do it outside of school, could get expelled.” Lily looked away.

Petunia huffed, “I won’t tell anyone, don’t be such a baby.”

“Lumos.” Lily whispered and her wand lit up.

“Like a flashlight?” Petunia scoffed, “It’s not as impressive as I thought it would be.”

Lily felt insecure now, muttering another spell to extinguish the light. “I can do more than that, but I don’t want to break anything.”

“You like it though?”

“Magic or school?”

Petunia shrugged, “Both I suppose.”

“I like school and magic can be fun. Scary sometimes though. Strange, no muggle stuff at all.” Lily’s voice was quiet and timid.

“None? Not even a radio?”

“Not even a radio. We listen to music on my friend’s record player.” Lily informed, and then was immediately dragged by Petunia to the living room to listen to the radio and watch movies the rest of the night.

Petunia decided that Lily needed to be caught up on all of the most recent pop culture phenomenons. They watched Fiddler on The Roof repeatedly until Petunia was certain Lily knew all the words.

“Petunia?”

“Yeah?” Her sister responded through a mouthful of popcorn.

“Do you hate me? For being a witch?”

Petunia shook her head, “I don’t hate you. I think you’re a pretentious little freak, but I love you regardless.”

“How kind of you.” Lily replied sarcastically.

“I’m just being honest.” Petunia nudged Lily and then put on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

…

Christmas in the Evans’ household was a very small and unextraordinary affair. In the early hours of the morning before the sun even rose, they would go to church. This was always the most difficult part of the day, as Mr. Evans and Petunia were not morning people in the slightest. Getting everyone in the car to go to church often took up to an hour, as Petunia would have to be dragged out of bed, Lily would always complain about her church clothes, and they would all have to withstand the lecture from Mrs. Evans about being on their best behavior and not embarrassing the family.

As always the family received judging looks from their fellow congregation members. They used to go every Sunday, but now only went on Christmas and Easter. This was entirely due to an incident that at the time was unexplained in which a nine year old Lily managed to set a Bible on fire by mistake, largely causing the church to decide she was a child of satan. As the Evans’ family passed by people stood in front of their children and there were sudden whispers flitting about. Mrs. Evans insisted they sit as close to the front as possible, which just caused even more of a spectacle. “We have as much of a right to be here as everyone else.” She kept insisting.

“But mum, I did-” Lily started, but her mother cut her off.

“That’s besides the point, we’re good christians. We can be here. Sit now.” They sat in the fourth row, on the already crowded pew.

“Dad, please, can we just go?” Lily begged, feeling all eyes on her.

Her father shook his head, “It’s one day, for your mother.”

Lily tried to slouch and make herself as small as possible, she was not a troublemaker and everyone here thought she was the actual devil. She found the service dreadfully boring and repetitive, and while she used to enjoy singing in the youth choir, she was no longer welcomed.

Lily instead tried to train her eyes on her mother, who was sitting straight, very dignified. Lily only ever saw her mother look so proper and proud in church. Mrs. Evans was usually a timid and frantic woman, but church made her seem almost regal. She was demanding and commanding the attention of the room. Lily hated church, but she would endure it because she adored her mother.

After sitting through the church service, or in Petunia’s case sleeping through the church service. The family went home to the small yellow house in the suburbs. Petunia and Lily ran to the tree to rip open presents. Lily received knitting needles and yarn, some new books, and a few records. She thanked her parents profusely and hid in her room reading those books for the rest of the day.

Lily helped her mother cook dinner. Lily loved to cook, and of course she hadn’t done any cooking at Hogwarts. It felt rather strange, to make food and set a table. There was no magical appearing feast, rather a small family dinner, of their family’s traditional Christmas ham, and lovingly decorated sugar cookies for dessert. Dinner itself was a very formal but quiet affair. They all wore their good church clothes, even though it was just the four of them. They used to have Lily’s grandparents over for Christmas dinner but they had all passed now and it gave a slightly somber feel to the dinner.

The rest of the week was rather uneventful, and Lily found herself longing to return to school, finding her family rather dull. She had managed to meet Severus on a few occasions, but he was not allowed outside of his house often, and their conversations were mostly pointless friendly chatter or complaining about their families.
“You swear you don’t like Potter?” Severus pressed one afternoon.

“Goodness Sev!” Lily groaned, “He’s mean to you, of course I don’t like him!”

Severus scowled, “But you hang out with Looney!”

“His name is Lupin!” Lily corrected.

“He’s mean to me too.”

Lily shook her head, “He swears you start it. Plus you’d like Remus, if you got to know him.”

“Alright, what about the pretty boy?” Severus sneered.

“I already told you, I don’t like James!”

“No, Black!”

“Sirius Black is arragont and mean. I don’t talk much to him.” Lily informed.

There was a moments pause, “Does that mean you think Potter is pretty?”

“Wasn’t pretty boy an insult?”

Severus shrugged, clearly annoyed, “Well, yeah, but still. Thought it was obvious I meant Black.”

“Does it mean that you find Black pretty?”

“Touche.” He sighed, “So who are your friends?”

“Mary, Marlene, and Remus. And you of course.” Lily was quick to add, but she didn’t want to give Severus any time to insult her other friends, as he often did. “What about yours?”

“Mulciber I suppose. Sometimes Wilkes and Avery, but mostly Mulciber.”

“Oh.” Was all Lily could manage to reply. She didn’t want to think ill of Severus’ other friends, but she didn’t like them.

“See, you don’t like my friends and it doesn’t bother me.” He pointed out. Lily tried to rebute the statement, but she couldn’t and in her frustration was turning a bright shade of red in the cold winter air. “Perhaps we’re starcrossed lovers.” Severus joked, and Lily just laughed. Severus had always said those sorts of things, but recently Lily had wondered if he thought it was true.

She didn’t dare ask him what he thought of her. Instead, when Lily and Severus parted ways for the day, Lily grabbed her list of questions, and wrote feverishly

'Is Severus Snape in love with me?'

Chapter Text

Returning to Hogwarts was a much welcomed relief for Lily. She had not realised how much the lack of magic had affected her. The second she stepped back on the train she felt the energy stir in her body. She immediately ran to meet Mary and Marlene. Marlene proudly boasted about her new broom. Mary brought a bunch of muggle magazines to show to Marlene and all three of the girls poured over them for most of the trainride.

“Do muggles all dress like this?” Marlene asked, captivated by the outfits.

Mary shook her head, “Only the rich ones.”

“The pictures don’t move. Are they broken?” Marlene was extremely confused.

Lily stifled a laugh, “Most pictures don’t move.”

Marlene scowled, “That’s rather boring. How awful it must be to not have magic.” Lily didn’t know how to respond to the remark. Was it how Petunia felt? She wondered, perhaps she understood her sister’s jealousy. “This one looks just like Lily!” Marlene’s giggling exclamation broke Lily out of her thoughts only to be shown a picture of a clown with bright orange hair.

“Marlene!” Lily gawked, “How rude!” Lily tried to sound indignant, but her laughter cause the intended effect to be entirely lost.

…

The girls dormitory had not known peace ever since winter break. Mary had a new record, and more specifically a new favorite song. The song was over eight minutes long, and made Marlene want to tear her hair out, but regardless American Pie blared from the record player at least ten times a day.

“Lily! Make her stop!” Marlene pleaded, the song had played at least six times in a row and Marlene was getting angry as she tried to finish the astronomy homework in their dorm.

“Why me?” Lily scrunched her face, pouring over the same star charts.

“Mary listens to you! She’s got no respect for me.”

“Wrong!” Mary chriped, “I’ve got no respect for anyone.” She stuck out her tongue.

Lily laughed, “I like the song, it’s not too bad.”

Marlene banged her head against her bedframe. “One more listen, and then The Beatles?” The girls compromised, but later that night when Mary was asleep Marlene and Lily hid the Don McClean album so they could have one day without American Pie.

…

Lily had not told a soul at Hogwarts about her birthday. She never liked celebrating, so she was utterly shocked when Remus gave her a bouquet of exactly 12 wild flowers on January 30th. “Remus, what are these for?”

“You’re my friend, and it’s your birthday.” Remus was perplexed, as if the answer was obvious.

“How did you know?” Lily was astonished.

“A great magician never reveals his secrets.” He smiled cheekily, “Happy birthday Lily! I would’ve gotten something better, but I was short on time.”

“They’re perfect! Absolutely lovely. Thank you.” The wide smile on Lily’s face was bright enough to light up the entire common room. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? I don’t like to make a fuss.”

“As you wish Evans, my lips are sealed.” Remus mimicked locking his lips and tossing a key. “No plans then for today?”

“We’ve got classes. Then I told Mary I would help with her History paper, we should be in the library if you care to join.”

Remus shook his head sadly, “Can’t sorry, the marauders all got detention with Slughorn.”

“For what?” Lily hadn’t recalled witnessing an incident.

“We managed to lock the Slytherins out of their common room for four hours.” Remus laughed, “We changed their password to ‘Gryffindor rules’, but Slughorn knows it was us.”

Lily laughed, amused and astounded by the magical feat “How did you manage to do that?”

“Word transfiguration spells I think. Sirius and James haven’t done their homework in a week, they’ve been working on this instead. They did all the research.”

“You came up with it though.” Lily gave a knowing smile.

Remus pretended to be shocked, “I can’t believe you would accuse me of such!”

“We both know you’re the evil mastermind behind that lot.”

Remus blushed, “You flatter me Lily, it was a team effort.”

…

Mary, Lily, and Remus had formed a very strong bond as of late due to being the three people who absolutely hated flying class. “At least your fast.” Mary kicked at the ground.

“I fell off twice last class, I’m not any good.” Lily groaned.

“For goodness sake Lily, you’re better than me and Remus, get over yourself.”

Remus was offended by this, “I’m not that bad!”

“Yes, you are, I’m the only one who’s worse than you Lupin.” Mary assured, “But it’s okay, you’re better than everyone at History.” Remus groaned which made Lily laugh at his misery.

“How do they do it?” Lily asked, “Potter is flawless up there.”

Mary gasped, “Did Lily Evans just pay a compliment to her arch enemy?”

“Shut up.” Lily muttered, “He’s bloody good at flying, I can admit that.”

“You really hate him, huh?” Remus asked.

“I don’t hate anyone, but I do have a strong distaste for arrogant arse’s who pick on my friends.” Lily stuck up her nose, feeling very mature.

“You ought to hate me then.” Remus laughed.

Lily shot him a glare, “You don’t count. You’re an arse, but not arrogant.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Wow Evans, I’m flattered.”

They all very reluctantly got onto their brooms and took flight, doing laps. Lily liked to close her eyes on her broom, she didn’t enjoy heights. However, closing ones eyes while flying was a very poor idea, as it often ended up with her crashing into things. She could feel a pit in her stomach as she whizzed through the air and the wind brushed her hair every which way. Lily frantically batted her hair out of her face, wishing she had remembered to bring a hair tie.

Her flying ended as it often did, with Lily falling off of her broom. However, this time she was caught midair, not by the usual spell Madam Hooch used to stop falling children, but instead by none other than her arch nemesis. “Falling for me now Evans?” Potter asked, using both hands to hold her, while still maintaining perfect balance on his broom.

Lily huffed, “Just put me down Potter.”

“Not even a thank you?”

“I didn’t need you to save me. I was fine.” Lily muttered harshly.

Potter grimaced, “You were falling from nearly a hundred feet. Could’ve killed you.”

Lily waved a hand dismissively, “I do it every lesson. Madam Pomfrey and I are becoming quite familiar with each other.”

Potter began teasing her, speeding to the ground with such force that Lily held on tightly to him in fear. Potter laughed like a maniac and Lily glowered once she had the courage to open her eyes again. Potter lowered them both to the ground with almost no effort. “There you go, Evans. No thanks necessary, but extreme gestures of gratitude are always appreciated.”

“Your utterly obnoxious.” Lily scowled. She wasn’t sure what came over her, perhaps it was the adrenaline from the fall, or the anger at James Potter coming to the rescue. Perhaps it was that she had needed saving at all, “I don’t like you James Potter. You’re an absolutely arrogant idiot. ”

Potter didn’t fight back, just raised an eyebrow and put on a smirk, “Alright Evans, that’s how you want to play it?” He laughed, “I’m going to make you like me. I don’t care how long it takes.” The smirk had transitioned into a proud smile.

Lily choked on her shock and had a coughing fit, “Not in this lifetime Potter.”

Potter didn’t answer, just gave a knowing smile and rocketed skywards on his broom. Lily was left speechless.

…

“I can’t stand him! I hate him!” Lily had been ranting for the past two hours and Mary was just nodding along, having stopped caring at least thirty minutes ago.

“I’m friends with James, you know.” Marlene informed. “He’s nice.” Much to Lily’s dismay, Marlene and James had become flying buddies and they often raced each other on the quidditch pitch.

“He’s a tool!” Lily whined, “Potter wants me to like him, he wants to control what everyone thinks about him!” Lily kept going, listing reason after reason why she couldn’t stand James Potter.

Mary rolled her eyes, not being able to take it any more, she stood up. “Silencio.” She cast on her friend. Lily gawked silently, her mouth moving in anger at a rapid pace.

Marlene burst out laughing, “Mary you did not!”

“If I had to hear about bloody Potter for one more second I was going to use an unforgivable! I had to do it for her own safety.” Mary declared, before sitting back on her bed. “Plus, I rather like Potter, I think he’s nice.”

Lily tried to disagree in anger. Arguing with all her might, but no sound came out. Lily sat down to read her book in anger. Lily pulled out her well loved copy of Emma by Jane Austen and began rereading it. Lily was halfway through the book before the spell finally wore off. “That was nasty of you Mary!”

“Jesus Evans, if you’re gonna lecture me about it I’ll cast it again.” Mary groaned.

“It was mean Mary!”

Marlene stuck up for Mary though, “In her defense, you’d been going on and on about how you hate Potter for nearly three hours.”

“But he’s-” Lily started but was silenced by her friends both pointing their wands at her. “You’re bloody awful, both of you.” She sulked.

“Now that you’re talking again-” Mary started.

“No thanks to you” Lily muttered under her breath.

“You can help us with the Potions homework.” Mary slid over two essays. Lily had finished her own essay two weeks early and turned it in. But the 2 pages on the uses of Felix Felicis was officially due the next day.

Lily huffed, “Fine, but one of you has to check my Herbology, and the other has to fix my star chart.”

“Deal!” Marlene was quick to agree and grab the Herbology paper, leaving Mary with the harder task.

…

Lily was walking with Remus down the corridors to Potions. “Did you do alright on your Charms exam last week?” Lily asked, Remus didn’t dignify the question with a response, she was clearly looking to brag. Lily bragged anyway, “I got a hundred percent, Flitwick said I was best in the class.”

“Good for you Evans.” Remus sighed, “I’m top in Astronomy, for the record, and I’m beating you still in History.”

“By one point!” Lily shouted. “I’ll have it by the end of the week.”

Remus shook his head, “That would require me to mess up, and I don’t mess up in History.”

“I still think I’m right. Professor Bellwick wouldn’t even give me extra credit. Tried to get McGonagall to fix the grade for me, she said no.”

“Get off it Evans!” Remus complained, “You can’t be bloody perfect at everything.”

“Not everything, you’ve seen me in Herbology.” Lily shuddered at the thought, she had to go to the medical ward again after she got poisonous thorns in her arm. “And flying, and I’m only mediocre in Astronomy.”

“Fine, perfect at most things.” Remus corrected. “And don’t come to me and say you’re bad at flying.” He rolled his eyes.

“Get away from her Loony!” Severus’ voice shouted before he was seen. He emerged from the shadows of the dungeon wand poised and pointed at Lupin.

“Severus!” Lily shrieked.

Remus barred his teeth, “Back off Snivellus. She’s not your property.”

“She’s my responsibility.” Severus snapped, and now Lily had her own wand raised.

“I am not!” She shouted and stepped between the two. “Now Remus, I’ll see you after class, yeah?”

“‘Course Evans. Meeting tonight still?” Remus asked.

“Yeah, 5pm common room.” She smiled, and Remus was already headed inside the classroom talking to Potter and Black.

Lily walked to her seat ignoring Severus as he trailed behind. “You’re mad.” Severus whispered to her.

“Of course I’m mad.” Lily replied.

“You’re always mad at me.” Severus scowled. “Didn’t even do anything.”

Lily gawked and stayed silent, becoming far too engrossed in Slughorn’s lesson to pay any mind to Severus. Lily’s anger was evident to the whole class as the redhead broke 3 quills from the force and speed she was using.

“Lily! Talk to me!” Severus begged at the end of class as she was speedwalking down the corridor. “Lily!” He shouted, getting angry this time.

“I don’t want to talk Severus. I’m mad and if I say something right now then we’ll both be mad. I will talk to you later.” Lily spoke so quickly it was almost incomprehensible. She walked towards her Defense Against the Dark Arts class, but was stopped in her tracks by an invisible force. “Severus, you cast a spell on me?”
He fumbled around for a second before coming face to face, “I had to! You weren’t listening.”

Lily had never been afraid of her friend, not until that moment. “Severus let me go.”

“Talk to me Lily!” He begged, his eyes watering.

Lily scowled, “No. I’m going to be late, let me go Severus. We’ll deal with this later.”

“No Lily, now. We’re doing this now.”

“Okay, fine then.” Lily said sharply, performing the same stickfast hex on him. “Now we’re even. What do you have to say to me?”

“Low blow Evans.”

“I did exactly what you did!”

Severus just shook his head, “Stop hanging out with Lupin.”

“No.” Silence fell for a second as the corridors emptied, “Are we done?” Lily was utterly furious with Severus.

“Lily, he’s dangerous. I’m saying this for your own safety.” He insisted.

“I can take care of myself. I’m very capable.” Lily was deeply offended, and she just wanted to get to class. She could still make it in time, if she left now. “You’re not the only one who knows things anymore Severus.” She said, pain etched in every crevice of her face and lacing her tone. She performed the counter-hex on herself, and ran up the corridor to the second floor Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.

…

Severus came up to Lily at the Gryffindor table during lunch. “Lily, I’m sorry.”

“Just, don’t do it again, alright?” Lily asked hopefully, she didn’t like fighting with Severus.

“I won’t. Promise.” He swore, and it was good enough for Lily. They continued to go about their days as if the incident never occured, Severus gave her more space than she was used to, and she was grateful for the new boundaries. He fought with Remus less to, or at least not in front of Lily. The other Gryffinndors were still fair game though apparently, as Lily had caught him hexing Peter Pettigrew on at least two occasions.

Chapter Text

Revisions may very well have been the death of twelve year olf Lily Evans. That srping she often found herself missing meals as she was too busy studying. She was frantic, the pure determination to be top of her classes was clear to anyone who saw her. Even her professors began taking notice, “Ambitious, should’ve been in my house.” Slughorn commented.

“Good thing I’m not, rather hate snakes.” Lily retorted sassily. She had been spending time at each of her professors open hours, often quietly listening to older students ask questions and just taking notes. Lily had approached a few of the second year students and made them recount the previous years exams in hopes she could better prepare.

Mary was not much better, but for the exact opposite reason. Mary had slacked off all year and was now worried she’d fail out of school during exams. “Lily, mouse to turn into a snuffbox!” Mary cried, having tried for hours.

“Have Marlene help you.” Lily was not looking up from her Astronomy notes.

“I helped with her Flying earlier, your turn.” Marlene was not studying, she was very confident she would pass all her exams and had said on multiple occasions, ‘if James and Sirius aren’t worried then I sure don’t need to be’.

“Alright, let’s try again Mary. Let me see.” Lily said and carefully worked Mary through the motions. There were no technical issues with Mary’s casting, the pronunciation was pristine, and the wand work was fluid. Lily was entirely unsure how to help, which left Mary inconsolable, “I’m not magical! I’m a muggle afterall!” She was crying.

“No you’re not!” Marlene wrapped Mary in a hug, “You’re tired and not confident is all. Magic only works if you think it will. You need sleep.”

“I can’t! Exams are in a week, Mum’s gonna take me out of school if I do poorly.”

“It’ll be okay, but you’re not gonna get any work done like this! Go to bed.” Marlene didn’t wait for a response, just tucked Mary into her bed wordlessly. Mary was out like a light in no time.

Marlene went over to Lily’s bed, drew the curtains and casted a silencing charms around them. “She’s gone mental.” Marlene groaned, “She’s perfectly fine at everything.”

“You think she’ll do well?” Lily was clearly unsure.

Marlene rolled her eyes, “She’ll pass no problem, only one she needs to worry for is History. But you’re no better Evans, you’re already top of the class.”

“Am not! Only good in Charms.” Lily rebutted.

“You’re only best in Charms. But you’re at least second in most others.” Marlene pointed out.

“No! Herbology, I’m the worst in the class! Flying I’m no good, and Astronomy I’m at behind Pettigrew, Remus, Mary, and at least four Ravenclaws!” Lily was becoming hysterical.

Marlene rolled her eyes, “Well you can’t count the Ravenclaws! Not in Astronomy, they’re all bloody brilliant at it.” Marlene dismissed, “Plus you’re fine at flying, you’ll pass no problem, could probably be good at quidditch if you tried. Just your fear of heights, you look down and you stop dead.” Marlene was completely sidetracked, and began giving flying tips.

“But Herbology?” Lily commented, readying herself for another backhanded pep talk.

“Can’t help ya there.” Marlene just shrugged, “You’re awful at Herbology, Evans.”

“Hey!” Lily was offended.

Marlene laughed, “Not about to lie to you.” Marlene smirked, “But you can’t read your way into being good with plants. Gotta actually go to the greenhouse.” Lily shuddered at the thought, she did not want to do poorly in the class, but she was absolutely, without a doubt, the worst gardener Hogwarts had ever seen.

…

It was a quiet Sunday morning, library was packed as it was the day before exams began, but most of the younger students took the opportunity to sleep in. Lily was anxiously pacing the commonroom when Potter walked by broom in hand and hair eternally askew. “Hey Evans!”

“Hello Potter.” Lily said curtly.

“Headed out to fly, if you care to join. Or watch.” He winked. Cocky as ever.

“No thank you.” She was sharp, and he left her alone.

Lily sat by the fireplace, studying page after page of plant identification, but she couldn’t focus. She groaned, completely envying James Potter, how little he tried at anything, but being absolutely perfect at it, he was infuriating.

Lily ran out onto the quidditch pitch, how she hated flying. But she was utterly determined to get top marks on her exam.

“Potter!” Lily yelled, garnering his instant attention from her spot in the stands. He instantly swooped down, a guilty look on his face.

“Yeah?”

“Can you teach me how to fly?” She asked, almost instantly regretting it. Lily wished should have waited for Marlene to be free, but Marlene hardly ever got up this early in the morning.

“You know how to fly, really good in class last week.” He complimented. It was a clear attempt just to get on her good side.

Lily shook my head, “I can’t do it like you can. Get scared, stop dead.” Potter just stared at Lily, trying to see whether she was joking. She had never asked a favor of James Potter and she loathed the fact she was doing so now.

Potter passed her a spare broom he had, and tried to talk Lily through some simple exercises. She ended up falling to the ground, and landing right on her back after the first trick. “Evans!” He rushed down towards the redhead. “You alright?” He asked sheepishly.

“Again.” Lily said, getting back up on her broom, ignoring the ache.

He gave her a questioning look, “You’re sure?”

“I’m fine Potter, let’s give it another go.” Lily was much better this time, they avoided tricks, focusing more on speed and turning. The two ended up being on the quidditch pitch for nearly two hours, almost missing breakfast. Lily thought she might finally understand James, just a little. He was a rather good coach, and once she had her turns down and had stopped falling off, she rather enjoyed the rush of wind on her face. Perhaps she could grow to enjoy quidditch even, but she wouldn’t dare say so to Marlene.

“You’re bloody good Evans!” Potter cheered, as they were now racing, and while she was slower than him, she was not an easy opponent. “You’ll get top marks if you fly like this during the exam.”

“Reckon so?”

“Yeah!” He smiled, before looking guilty. They both landed and he asked quietly, “This is embarrassing. But since I helped with Flying, will you look at my potion? It’s not the right color and Sirius won’t help.”

Lily sighed, “Of course I will, only fair.” She didn’t like the idea of helping someone else with a potion, potions were her thing with Severus. But also, Potter had just saved her flying marks, and she didn’t want to feel indebted to the fool.

Lily and James made their way to the potions classroom. James’ potion was a horrid shade of bright yellow. “What did you do to it?”

“I followed the instructions I think.” He shrugged.

Lily scowled at the foul concoction. “It should be orange verging on pink, and bubbling. Yours is foaming.”

“There’s a difference?” He was genuine in the question. James was not stupid, he was entirely capable in almost every subject, and excelled in Transfiguration and Defense. However, Potions was the boys biggest weakness, and it was blaringly obvious based on how many potions he had managed to set fire to.

“Dump it out, it’ll be safer to restart.”

“No saving it?” James sounded wounded, clearly disappointed in himself. “That bad?”

Lily resisted the urge to laugh at his sad, puppy like expression. “What temperature is it at?” James shrugged, so Lily checked. The cauldron wasn’t even heated, so she adjusted it to the proper temperature first. “If this blows up on me I’ll be bloody mad.” Lily threatened, and he nodded enthusiastically. “Get the mistletoe berries, please.” Lily requested and he eagerly fetched them for her.

Lily counted out four berries and added them in one by one. The color slowly shifted to be much closer to the correct one. “Did you cast the charm yet?” Lily asked.

“What charm?”

Lily sighed, “Memory loss charm, perform it on the potion, it should take and that should fix it.”

James nodded and performed the spell quickly. The potion began to simmer and bubble, almost as if expressing it’s content with their work. “You’re brilliant Evans.” He smiled.

“I owed you one.” She shrugged, they walked back to the common room together. “This doesn’t mean I like you, or that we’re friends.” Lily scowled, worried she gave him the wrong impression.

James laughed, “Figured as much. You’ll change your mind one day.”

“Will not.” Lily mumbled, “Don’t tell anyone about this, okay?”

“And give you credit for the potions grade? Wouldn’t dream of it.” His smile bright and goofy. “I like you Evans.”

“I know you do.” She commented, “I despise you.”

…

The exams went well. Lily had aced almost everything and walked away extremely confident, and while her practical Herbology was utterly traumatising, her paper had been flawless and they should cancel out.

The last day of the school year was blissfully warm. Marlene had dragged Mary and Lily outside to sit on the grass. “I don’t want to go home.” Mary groaned as she fiddled with string. “No magic, no friends, I’ll be bored without you lot.”

“I’ll write you!” Marlene smiled, “Mum says both of you can stay at ours for a week or so if you’d like.”

“Yes!” Lily perked up, not wanting to go without magic the whole summer. “Brilliant idea!”

“Great, you in Macdonald?”

Mary just shook her head, “Want to, but my parents are adamant about having us spend time as a normal family.” Mary finished messing about with the string. “Both of you, hold out your wrists and close your eyes.” She instructed suddenly, Marlene and Lily were confused, but both did as asked. After more fumbling about, Lily felt something around her wrist, “Okay, you can open your eyes!” Mary beamed.

Lily looked down to the identical red and gold friendship bracelets that adorned all of their wrists. “It’s brilliant Mary! Thank you.”

“You really like them?”

“Of course! Beautiful, I’ll never take it off.” Marlene agreed, “When did you have the time?”

Mary shrugged, “Haven’t studied as much as I should’ve.” She sat up straighter in excitement, “They’re charmed! Worked really hard on it, watch!” Mary tapped her bracelet three times, and the other bracelets glowed in response.

“No wonder you did so well during the Charms exams.” Lily laughed, “You’ve been hiding tricks up your sleeve! How’d you do it?”

“Been talking to Sirius, he mixes spells for his pranks. Mixed a lighting charm with a messaging spell, and kept going until it worked. Went through a lot of prototypes.” Mary was extremely proud, as she should be, but Lily felt stupid for a moment, she had never even thought about creating spells or mixing them.

Marlene chuckled, “Watch out Evans, we’ve been hiding a secret genius in our dorm!”

Mary blushed and looked away, “I just love both of you, you’re my best friends.”

“We love you too Mary.” Lily smiled and Marlene quickly tackled the two into a hug.

Chapter Text

Going home into the pale yellow house made Lily feel utterly inadequate. She felt boring, her mind wandered to her friends from school. They’d probably be riding brooms or casting spells, or giving orders to house elves. Most of her friends were from magical families, and a few of them were also extremely wealthy. Lily was extremely jealous at how much fun she knew they’d be having this summer, while she was stuck in a non-magical house with non-magical people, doing non-magical things. Her suspicions were only confirmed by her letters from Marlene and Remus.

Dear Lily,
Hope all is good! Hope your sister isn’t a snob. All is good here. Been hanging out with James Potter and his lot. You’re friends with Lupin, tell him to stop being such a stick in the mud! He’s ruining our quidditch games.
Have you heard from Mary? She won’t answer my letters, figured it’s a muggle thing.
Anyway, I’ve read a book lately. It reminded me of you. I didn’t really like the book, but I don’t think I like reading. But the idea of books always makes me think of you. Suppose that’s strange. But you love reading!
Miss you! Write me back! Come visit if you can!
~Marls

Hello Lily,
I hope you’re enjoying your break. I’ve been practically kidnapped by the Potters and have been forced against my will to play quidditch. You should come and visit, if you can, miss talking to you. I’ve learned some new defensive spells from my dad, can’t wait to show you! Been working on my charms too, gonna beat you this year, so watch out. Peter says hi. Also said he’s be willing to help you with your Herbology problem this year. Marlene says hi. James also says hi. They’re all here while I’m writing, obnoxious as hell those three. I swear Lily, I have been kidnapped and forcibly removed from intellectual conversation, you must come and save me.
Remus

Dear Lily,
Do you have a telephone? Remus has one, says it’s a muggle thing for talking, anyway he said if your family has one he’ll let me borrow it and we can have a proper conversation. So send over the secret code that makes it work I think. Doesn’t make any sense to me, but he said you’d know what I mean.
There are no girls here, not one. Just James, Peter, Remus, and my brothers. The Prewetts have a daughter but she’s an adult, so there’s no one to talk to about normal things, and the boys have sleepovers and I’m never invited. Mum says you can come over anytime you want. Reckon she only agreed to stop me from complaining, but she agreed.
~Marls

Lily responded to every letter Remus sent, and to every other letter Marlene sent. Mary did not send any letters, but the bracelet did periodically light up, signaling that she was fine. Marlene had begun to send at least one a day, just detailing the usually mundane activities. It appeared that Marlene was going completely mad surrounded by the boys all summer. But Lily was going insane for the opposite reason, one stubborn fifteen year old, Petunia.

Lily was not quite sure the reason behind the shift in her relationship with Petunia, as everything had been relatively normal during their Winter break. Petunia had been responding to letters during the previous semester. Even the first few weeks of Summer were entirely normal for the Evans sisters. But sometime mid-July, Petunia changed, Petunia was never home anymore and when she was, she would be occupying the house telephone. Petunia had begun wearing make-up and curling her hair.

“Pet, want to go to the cinema?” Lily asked one day.

“I’m busy Lily.”

“We don’t have to go today.”

Petunia scoffed, “Unlike you, I have friends. I can’t catch you up on everything you missed while at freak school.”

It hurt more than normal, “Stop saying I’m a freak.”

“No, you are a freak.” Petunia justified.

“I am not!” Lily yelled, “I’m just like you.”

Petunia shook her head in complete disbelief, “No, we’re nothing alike. I’m not a dangerous circus freak.”

“Take that back!” Lily gritted.

Petunia laughed, “What are you going to do? Tell Mum and Dad? You can’t do magic outside of school. You don’t even have your fancy little tricks to protect you.” Petunia never needed tricks or spells, her words had always cut hard when she wanted. A years worth of jealousy and resentment lashing towards her sister.

“At least I’m special!” Lily defended, “At least I have something worthwhile about me.”

Petunia doubled down. “You’re dangerous, you go to a fancy school cause you need to be kept away from normal people. Not because you’re special.”

“You don’t have to be cruel.” Lily looked down, not wanting to cry.

“Are you going to cry? Don’t be such a baby Lily!” Petunia was cold.

Lily turned away from her sister, and something broke in that moment. The fundamental things that the sisters had successfully ignored until this point, they had nothing in common anymore except their parentage. They were both insanely jealous of the other, and it had gotten to a point beyond reproach. They never went to the cinema together.

…

After the fallout with her sister, Lily went radio silent. She stopped responding to letters from her friends, which gradually got more and more desperate for replies. But Lily couldn’t think of anything to write. What could she say? ‘My whole family is falling apart and I don’t know what to do’ would be an intensely strange letter. The only one Lily talked to was Severus, and even then Severus did most of the talking. Severus had recently become extremely skilled at dueling spells and would show them off whenever he could. Lily would never say it aloud for fear of giving him ideas, but she knew it would only cause trouble between Severus and the Gryffindor boys. All the boys were becoming increasingly antagonistic, even Remus.

“I’ll be able to protect you this year.” Severus had said on multiple occasions now. Lily didn’t say a word about it. She had wanted to exclaim how she didn’t need protecting, how she wasn’t a victim, but she found she couldn’t. It hurt Lily to know that she was still deepy scared from last years attack in the library. It was even worse to know it could happen again the second that Severus decided to stop advocating for her. He was the only thing keeping the Slytherins at bay. Even though Lily knew that Severus and her were friends, she felt indebted to him.

“Severus?”

“Yes Lily?”

Lily just sighed, unsure of how to confess it, the things that had been swarming her mind for nearly a year. “You lied to me.”

“No I didn’t.” He replied instantly, not even bothering to let Lily clarify. “I’ve never lied to you.”

“You said being a muggleborn wouldn’t make things different, wouldn’t make me different.”

Severus looked away, “I’m gonna fix it. I told you, I’m gonna protect you.” The urge to disagree and refuse the help arose once more. But Lily could not muster a sound from her throat, she wouldn’t go against him, not now.

Severus had an odd way about him, it made Lily feel dependant and indebted. Lily didn’t understand where magic came from, but she was certain she would never have been magical if she hadn’t met Severus. Lily could not justify this beyond a gut instinct, and she knew that logically he had not been responsible for her being a witch, but there was still a part of her that attributed everything she knew to the poor boy from the bad part of town. At that moment, when she could not muster the courage to explain her hurt feelings to her friend, she knew she’d feel indebted to him for the rest of her life.

“I’m leaving early, so you know.” Lily confessed.

“What? Where are you going?”

“Marlene’s house.” Lily didn’t meet his eyes, but she could feel him glaring. “She’s been begging me to go to hers all summer.”

“Summer is our time.” He grumbled, “When are you going?”

“Last week of summer, so late August.”

“If you don’t want to hang out with me Lily, just say so.”

Lily huffed, “Severus, you’re my best friend, but Marlene is my friend too!”

“Alright. You’ll write though?”

Lily laughed, “It’s only for one week Sev!”

His eyes pleaded with her, “Please Lily, just promise you’ll write.”

“Promise.”

…

The last week of Summer, Lily had convinced her parents to let her stay with Marlene and the McKinnon family. Marlene was bombarding Lily with owls awaiting her arrival.

“Honey, are you sure about this?” Mr. Evans asked for the millionth time as they packe everything Lily would need for school. “You don’t have to go, your friend will understand.”

“Dad! I’ll be okay I promise!” Lily urged, “You said I could go!”

She watched his brow furrow in thought, but they both knew he couldn’t refuse Lily when she gave him those eyes. “Alright, but you ring us if you change your mind, and you have to write the second you get to school.” Her father’s loving voice was more stern than it normally was.

Lily shoved the last of her stuff in her trunk. “I’m all ready!”

“Double check everything.” Her father insisted, “I don’t like having to tie packages to the owls.” He added. Mr. Evans was entirely unsure of how to parent the magical child, and often found himself unable to say words such as ‘Hogwarts’, or discuss things like letters via owls, without bursting into a grin.

Lily went through drawer after drawer. She saw the sweater, a pale purple one, the same one that Lily and Petunia had fought over during Winter break. Lily’s eyes glazed over for a moment, and she worried she might cry. Her fingers ran over the soft fabric, before quickly bunching it up in her fist and shoving it into her father’s chest. “This is Petunia’s.”

…

Lily had arrived outside the McKinnon’s house. It was much less remarkable than expected. The house was made of dark brown bricks and wasn’t much larger than the Evans’ house. If Lily were passing by the house she would not have known it was magical at all. This stood in stark contrast to the neighboring house that was almost entirely lopsided with colorful smoke erupting from the chimney.

“Lily!” Marlene rushed over to embrace Lily, almost causing the smaller girl to topple over. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too!” Lily smiled, “Is Remus here?”

Marlene shook her head gleefully, “He was dying to see you, but I told him you weren’t coming until tomorrow.”

“Marlene!” Lily chastised.

“Wanted to have a girls day! Been stuck with the blokes all summer.” Marlene whined.

“Godric, you sound like Mary. All the whinging.”

“Take that back!” Marlene shoved Lily playfully. “Mum’s excited to meet you. She thinks you’ll be a good influence on me.”

Lily laughed, “I think you’re a bad influence on me.”

“Not true! I’m very pleasant and polite.” Marlene couldn’t get through the sentence without laughing. “Come on!” Marlene dragged Lily into the house.

Lily was instantaneously greeted by Mrs. McKinnon. The blonde witch looked much more put together than their first meeting a kings cross. Mrs. McKinnon reminded Lily of Marilyn Monroe, with the perfectly quaffed blonde curls and her slender frame. “Lily, it’s so nice to have you, dear. If you need anything at all do not hesitate to ask.” Her delighted tone was filled with complete affection for her daughter’s friend, even though Lily was a complete stranger.

“Thank you for letting me stay here Mrs. McKinnon.” Lily smiled warmly.

“Such great manners! You can stay as long as you like, Marlene could learn a thing or too from you.”

“Mum!” Marlene protested and her mother laughed. Marlene began dragging Lily away by the hand, up the stairs into a bedroom. It was very clearly Marlene’s bedroom, the whole room was a light green and the carpet was a mustard yellow but it was hard to see underneath the scattered piles of clothes. On the walls were posters for a band called Spellbound, as well as a plethora of Quidditch posters. All of the posters moved silently, and Lily was astounded that Marlene could ever sleep with so much movement in the room. “Do you like it?”

“It looks exactly like you.” Lily giggled.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” Marlene decided. “So, tell me about your summer!” Marlene demanded as if they hadn’t been writing back and forth frequently, and as if they hadn’t spoken on the phone almost twice a week.

Lily and Marlene spent the night gossiping about their summer. They thought of things they wanted to do during the upcoming school year. They both complained about their siblings, Lily laughed at tales of how idiotic James Potter had been, and Marlene listened to Lily talk about her growing annoyance of her family and the muggle world. They both fell asleep on Marlene’s bed on top of each other at close to three in the morning.

At exactly 8:01 AM that same morning there was a knock on the bedroom door. “I know Lily’s here!” Remus’ voice called out, eager to see his friend.

“Bugger off!” Marlene groaned throwing a pillow at the door.

“You said she wouldn’t be here until today! You bloody liar McKinnon!” He yelled playfully and Lily groggily went to open the door. Remus was somehow taller than she remembered was her first thought as her eyes adjusted to the light. “Godric, missed you like hell Lily.” He smiled his typical lopsided smile.

“I missed you too Remus.” Lily replied with a yawn.

“I’ve seen to much of you, leave us alone. It’s still early.” Marlene did not move from her spot on the bed.

“I’ll change and meet you down in a second.” Lily whispered and shut the door.

…

Remus and Lily sat on the front steps of the McKinnon house. “Your house is nearby?” Lily had asked.

“Next town over, only a mile or so.” He pressed his lips into a thin line, as if he was pained. “Sorry.”

“You’re condition?” Lily asked and Remus nearly jumped. “Sorry, um, Pettigrew mentioned you had an illness.”

Remus sputtered for a moment, trying to re-compose himself. “Yeah, suppose it’s flaring up again. Won’t be too bad for a day or so. Just stiff.”

“About once a month right? Is it on a time cycle or something?” Lily asked and Remus’ eyes widened, “Sorry, I don’t mean to pry. You don’t have to answer.”

“No, it’s alright. Just not used to talking about it.” His mouth was dry, he was clearly uncomfortable, but he didn’t stop her from asking. He didn’t shut her down, it was almost as if he’d been wanting to talk about it.

An idea flashed through Lily’s mind but it was utterly preposterous, but that didn’t stop her from asking. “Is it you period?”

Remus began coughing and choking on air, “No!” After a second he began to laugh, “No Lily, not a girl.”

“Well I had to ask!” Lily justified. “What else is painful and happens once a month?” Remus stared at Lily silently, as Lily’s mind began to work through it. Suddenly, she knew his biggest secret. She hushed to a whisper, “It’s how you got the scars.”

“You can’t tell anyone!” Remus hissed defensively.

“I won’t!” Lily kept her voice low, “I promise, I won’t.”

“It’s not a joke Lily. I’m really serious.” He said and Lily nodded vigorously. “I could get expelled if people knew.”

Lily was baffled, “What? That’s ridiculous.”

Remus paused, his eyebrow slowly arched, “You’re not scared of me?”

“No, you’re just Remus.” Lily said, feeling almost foolish. She wondered if she was supposed to be afraid of Remus, but looking at the gangly and awkward boy before her, all she could feel was friendly affection. “You’re no more dangerous than you have been.”

“No dangerous at all!” He defended, “Not outside the full moon! And they chain me up, don’t hurt anyone.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Not dangerous? Yeah right, I’ve seen you with offensive spells.” Lily tried to lighten the mood, but Remus remained unamused. “I’m not scared of you Remus. Certainly not when you don’t have a wand.”

Remus was clearly expecting a different reaction, “Lily, I could kill you.”

Lily just shrugged, “You won’t.”

“Why aren’t you scared?” He kept pressing, expecting her to run off, but Lily stayed firm.

“Nothing has changed Remus. Now I just know.” Lily realized that perhaps it was a muggle thing, she’d never seen a werewolf before, but if Remus was one, they couldn’t be that bad. “Does anyone else know?”

Remus shook his head, “You’re the only one who figured it out so far. Dumbledore, McGonagall, and of course my parents all know. Madam Pomfrey too. But no students.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it? No other questions?” Remus was waiting for her to scream of call him a foul name, anything, but she didn’t.

Lily just sighed, “You protected me back in December, in the Library. You’re a good person, and you’re a great friend. Don’t see why that would suddenly change.” Remus was never one for physical affection, but in that moment he pulled Lily into a tight hug.

…

“Oi Evans!” James called as Marlene and Lily made it into the Potter’s backyard. The house was maybe the biggest that Lily had ever seen. Potter quickly shoved a broom in her hands, “Wanna play?” Lily scowled at the broom, it was much nicer than the ones the school had, and it was an instant reminder of the Potter’s ever present extravagant wealth.

“Don’t know how.”

“Blimey! Never played before?” Pettigrew asked.

“No, didn’t pay much attention during the matches either.”

James was quick to try and rectify this, explaining the game and how they could modify it. Essentially it was soccer on brooms but with extra pieces. After pestering from Marlene and James, Lily gave in and attempted quidditch. She was surprisingly skilled at being a Keeper, as it required just short spurts of flying and hitting the ball. Though Lily would never admit it, she didn’t mind playing the game. However, she voiced her persistence at not playing for Remus’ sake.

…

The rest of the week at the McKinnon’s was filled with similar games. She had discovered that Pettigrew was a chess expert and Lily had been both determined and so far unable to best him in the game. Lily did her best to ignore Potter, as she still found him entirely annoying and far too persistent. Remus and Lily had gotten an early start to their book club, once again exchanging novel after novel, and Marlene had kept Lily up past midnight almost every night, sometimes to talk about important things, and sometimes to discuss nothing at all.

Lily was never so glad to be a witch as she was that week, she was filled with energy and magic. She had friends, no one was looking at her strangely, and not one person had called her a freak. Lily felt unstoppable and worried she’d become as arrogant as James Potter as she headed into the upcoming school year.

Chapter Text

It was strange to leave for school with the McKinnon’s, though perhaps chaotic might have been a more suitable word for the ordeal they endured. There was lots of screaming, and the usual quiet house was a buzz with clothes and things tossed about. Lily, who had been ready to depart before Marlene had even woken up, sat quietly trying to ignore the mad scramble to pack. It seemed as though Marlene was dreadfully ill prepared to leave for school, this was only heightened by the search through the house for miscellaneous items.

“Marlene Elspeth McKinnon! Have you learned nothing from the debacle last year?” Mrs. McKinnon frantically flailed around the house, shoving things into a small trunk. Over an hour later than they were supposed to be on their way, they left for King’s Cross in a hurry. Which put Lily in a very anxious move as she boarded the train.

…

“Marlene! Lily!” Mary’s voice rang out as she spotted the two girls. “Missed you loads, Mum was right pissed about all the owls you guys were sending.”

“You didn’t respond Macdonald! Thought something happened to you.” Marlene wrapped Mary into a hug. Mary grabbed Lily’s arm and pulled her into the hug as well making Lily laugh.

Lily wiggled her way free, “I gotta talk to Sev real quick, meet you on the train!” Lily ran off from the girls to find her friend. “Sev!” Lily shouted as she approached him. Severus had a sour look on his face, but it was hard to see as his hair was awkwardly draped around his face covering his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Severus just shook his head, “Nothing.” He mumbled.

“Show me Severus.” Lily insisted, and he moved his hair to reveal a black eye. “Severus!” Lily gasped.

“Shut up Lily.” He said through gritted teeth, clearly not wanting to draw attention to it, Lily felt guilty. “It’s not as bad as it looks, it is just taking time to heal. That’s all.”

She moved to touch it, and he let her but winced in pain as she did so. “Oh Sev, that’s awful. Who did this to you?”

Severus didn’t answer, and that was enough of an indication for Lily as to the culprit. He blushed and looked away. “Will you sit with me? On the train?”

“Oh Severus, I don’t know, Mary asked me to sit with her.” Lily felt the familiar pang of guilt that Lily received whenever she denied Severus.

“Lily,” He pleaded, “You promised you would write, and you didn’t.”

Lily looked into Severus’ dark eyes. Lily couldn’t apologize though she felt guilty, but she wasn’t sorry. It made Lily feel worse to know that part of her was glad to have a break from Severus, even if he was her best friend. But Lily had promised to write while at Marlene’s house, and she had entirely forgotten.

“I have to say hi to them, just for a little while, then I’ll find you.” Everytime she saw Severus he had a tendency to act like it was their first time meeting in years, it didn’t matter if they had spoken a week ago, or even moments ago. But Severus was her best friend, and she’d only wanted to see him happy.

Lily stared at the Hogwarts Express, it was rather less impressive than it had been the previous year, it seemed much less magical, and much more like any other train. Lily tried to distinguish the electric feeling of magic in the air, but she had become much more accustomed to and comfortable with it.

Lily closed her eyes, took a deep breath and walked onto the train. Rather, Lily attempted to walk onto the train but was quickly stopped when a body tripped and crashed into her, causing them both to topple down. The second she heard the glowing laugh, she knew it was James Potter. “Bloody hell Potter!” Lily shuffled to get herself upright. Her pristinely neat clothes had been wrinkled under the weight, and she feverishly straightened herself out.

“Sorry Evans!” He smiled meakly, and Lily offered a hand to help him up. “Not my fault, promise! Pettigrew put some slipping curse on my shoes-” He muttered an explanation that turned into a ramble, he was never able to stop himself from talking.

Lily sighed, already regretting what she was about to do, in the name of being a good civilian. “Hold onto my arm.” Potter just raised an eyebrow as if being lured into a trap. “It’ll keep you from crashing into the poor unsuspecting first years, who have not yet had the misfortune of meeting you.” Lily criticised, but he just laughed before accepting the offer. Lily walked him over to the carriage where Remus and Sirius Black already resided, she proudly declared, “I’m delivering your idiot.” Before turning to find Mary and Marlene.

Lily was quickly able to locate Marlene and Mary, who were eagerly gossiping away, and listening to tales of each other’s summers. Mary’s summer had been utterly dull according to her, her mother had banned all magic from the house. Marlene, of course, had only played quidditch and gobstones, mostly with James. “Did you enjoy seeing your boyfriend?” Mary decided to tease Lily, deciding that she had been far too quiet.

“Sev is not my boyfriend. He’s just a friend is all.” Lily chastised.

“Oh, so Potter’s your boyfriend then?” Marlene edged, knowing the comment would rile Lily up.

Lily pretended to gag. “Potter thinks he’s the most charming person in the world! Utterly arrogant, you know I can’t stand him.”

“I’ll take him.” Mary chirped, making the others cackle.

Marlene had a go as well of course, “He’s very smart, you like smart boys.”

Lily rolled her eyes at her friends, who were suppressing a fit of laughter at the redhead’s annoyance.

There was a short knock on the compartment door. Severus opened it a moment later. “Lily, I thought we were sitting together.”

She had completely forgotten. It was easy to get sidetracked with the girls. “Sorry Sev, care to join us?” Lily asked, but it was clear that the answer would be no. Lily was supposed to join Severus. “I’ll see you guys at the feast.” She sighed to Mary and Marlene before following Severus to an empty carriage.

“You’d like them if you got to know them, Severus.” Lily pointed out, lightly sulking. They had this argument at least once a month for the past year, and Lily knew Severus far too well to think he’d ever budge.

“They don’t like me.” He glared.

“How do you know?”

“Their kind do like my kind.” It was very matter of fact. Lily only had a vague clue what that mean. Severus always danced around this issue.

“Their kind?” She cocked an eyebrow, pressing him to continue. Severus looked away, rejecting the invitation to elaborate. “Severus, I am a muggle born. I am a girl. I am a Gryffindor. I am their kind, whatever you meant by it, I am it.”

Severus was taken back for a moment, Lily had always stood up for herself, but she had never been so brazen about such a small comment before, at least not towards Severus. Lily had always much preferred to keep the peace, and Severus stuttered in surprise for a moment. “I’m sorry Lily. I didn’t mean that.” He apologized, trying to hide his blush of embarrassment.

“I know you didn’t. But you must be more careful Sev. You’re not making many friends by saying stuff like that.” Lily lectured, like she would lecture a child.

They sat in relative silence, that was how the two normally spent time together. Lily enjoyed the quiet, and Severus always made it feel comfortable. She pulled out a book and had begun reading when Severus interrupted me. “Lily?”

“Yes?” She didn’t look up.

“You don’t have to be my friend. If you don’t want to.” He said meekly.

Lily simply rolled my eyes, “Severus! If I didn’t want to be your friend I wouldn’t be. But I am your friend, and you are my friend. And that’s that. You know I don’t like it when you talk about yourself in such a way!” I closed the book as I ended my page, he had my full attention now.

“I saw you talking to Potter.” He huffed.

“Yes. His friend jinxed him.”

“You helped him!” Severus seemed furious at the fact.

Lily was confused, “He was going to crash into people if I didn’t. It was for the greater good.”

“He picks on me Lily!”

“You pick on him as well. Not to mention poor Lupin.”

He sighed, “Alright, sorry.”

“It’s alright, but I’d like to stay out of your war with the boys.” Lily returned to her book.

The rest of the ride was mostly silent, with the occasional question or mindless conversation. They didn’t have much to say to each other, they’d seen each other hardly a week ago.

…

The feast was utterly boring, Lily found the sorting ceremony much less interesting when she was not shaking with terror. Lily felt rather mature as she sat there, rather bored, and listening to Mary’s snide comments on the first years' appearances, alongside Marlene’s rapid fire predictions on what house each would be placed in.

Lily did not pay much attention towards who was sorted into which house. The only noteworthy sorting was Sirius’ younger brother. His name was Regulus, and he looked like a more proper and put together version of his older brother. Regulus’ eyes were piercing as they scanned the room, and his face seemed almost hollow with nerves, his skin turning practically translucent as the fear wracked the boys body. Regulus tried to conceal the fear, and he did a fair job in the attempt, Lily imagined that most people would find him to be scary, rather than seeing him as scared. But Lily wished she could touch the boy, and let him know it would be alright. She wondered if anyone had ever told him that before, and she doubted it. It looked like Regulus had never known a moment of comfort in his life. Lily felt a pang of guilt for her treatment of Sirius, but brushed it aside, thinking of Petunia’s treatment of Lily. It came as no surprise to anyone that the boy was sorted into Slytherin, anyone but Sirius apparently. Sirius sulked throughout the whole feast, looking torn between screaming and crying and ultimately doing neither. Sirius stormed away from the table before the feast ended, James, Remus, and Peter trailed him, not far behind. Lily decided to stay out of Sirius Black’s was for the rest of the week.

After dinner they all returned to the dorms and began unpacking. Mary put on some music on the record player, between Mary and Lily they had an endless supply of music. However, Mary had beaten Lily to the record play and chose the same song she always did, her forever favorite song, American Pie. Lily’d heard the song on the radio, and then about a million times in our dormitory last year.

“I still don’t get this song.” Marlene pointed out as she hung up roughly a dozen quidditch posters.

In response Mary just turned the boombox volume up and sang louder, “I WAS SINGING BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE!”

Marlene threw a pillow at Mary, but Mary only got louder and Lily joined in. “DROVE THE CHEVY TO THE LEVY BUT THE LEVY WAS DRY!”

Mary and Lily were singing louder and louder, while trying to suppress the laughing fits from Marlene’s annoyance, which just caused the words to be an indecipherable mess of noise.

They continued until the very long song ended. “Let’s do it again!” Mary giggled, but Marlene rolled her eyes. “You’re no fun Mars bar!” Mary flopped onto Marlene’s bed for dramatic effect.

“I still don’t know what that is either, your muggle stuff just confuses me, you guys know that!”

“Isn’t your dad a muggle born?” Mary asked.

“Yeah, but he doesn’t teach me any of this stuff, hasn’t kept up with it.” She crossed her arms. Normally Lily was the odd man out, Mary and Marlene were closer with each other, but Marlene didn’t like it when she didn’t understand their muggle things, she once confessed it made her feel stupid.

“Mars bar is a sweet, and American Pie is just a fun song, I think.” Mary informed.

“Wait!” Lily yelled, pulling a Mars bar out of my trunk and tossing it to Marlene. “I brought some muggle sweets. I don’t always appreciate my chocolate squirming about.”

“You guys are so strange.” Marlene smiled softly, trying to pretend that the gesture to include her didn’t touch her immensely.

Lily finished up unpacking, only to look at the other girls and feel ashamed. Their parts of the room were decked out in posters and lights and all sorts of things, whereas Lily had a simple painting made by my sister, back when Petunia still talked to Lily. It was ironically enough, a picture of two flowers, a petunia and a lily, simple enough, self-explanatory, but it was Lily’s most prized possession. It was the only thing on her wall. Lily wished she had learned her lesson last year and packed more than just the bare essentials, Mary and Marlene went all out.

Lily sat on my bed and opened up her Astrology textbook. But it was admittedly hard to concentrate when Mary had rediscovered her Elton John record. Not willing to argue with Mary, Lily instead took her book down to the common room. It was noisy there as well, but not nearly as much so as the girls dorm room had become. She had ended up falling asleep, and only awoke when Frank Longbottom shook her lightly and urged her to her dorm.

Chapter Text

Lily was always up very early in the morning, but it seemed she had broken a record as she was awake at hardly 5am and the Great Hall wasn’t even opened. Lily sat in the Gryffindor common room, she tried to read Frankenstein, but the words seemed jumbled and she was incapable of focusing on the page. Lily was certain she had read the same passage about twenty times when a voice rang out, breaking her rampant train of thought. “Evans!” Potter, the only other morning person in Gryffindor, spotted Lily on his way through the common room, broomstick in hand.

“Hello Potter.” Lily responded politely.

“Headed out to fly, if you care to join. Or watch.” He winked. Lily swore that over the summer his arrogance had managed to grow. She’d vowed to fix that and humble him over the course of the year, even though it appeared that James Potter was impossible to humble, seemingly taking any and all attention he could from Lily, much like a moth to a flame.

“No thank you.” She said sharply, and he left her alone.

Lily sat by the fireplace growing increasingly antsy, she could not sit still this morning and couldn’t focus on her novel. She sighed and shoved the book in her bag before half-heartedly going onto the near empty quidditch pitch, the sun wasn’t even up yet, and Lily was certain this was against the rules, which gave her an unusual rush of adrenaline only adding to her jittery movement.

“Potter!” She yelled, getting his attention from the stands. He instantly swooped down, a guilty look on his face.

“Yeah?”

“Is this allowed? Are you allowed to be out here this early?” Lily asked as she carefully scanned the grounds.

James groaned, “Don’t report me, please Evans?”

Lily weighed her options and shook her head, she wouldn’t be such a stick in the mud. “Can you give me flying lessons again?” She asked. She almost instantly regretted it, thinking that she should have waited for Marlene to be free, but Marlene would never get up this early.

“You know how to fly, you were excellent last year.” He complimented, before adding, “Cause I’m a bloody good coach.”

Lily shook her head, “I was fast, but jerky. I want to fly like you do. All the tricks.” Lily was determined, James just stared at her, trying to see whether she was joking. But when Lily added, “I’ll help with your Potions.” He caved instantly.

He passed Lily a spare broom he had, and tried to talk her through some simple exercises. Lily ended up falling to the ground, and landing right on my back after the first trick. “Evans!” He rushed down towards her. “You alright?” He asked sheepishly.

Lily sighed, “Alright, let’s try this again.” Lily was ready to brace the broom.

“No, I think you better not, that was a nasty fall.” James looked pained as he said it.

Lily rolled her eyes, adrenaline flooding her body from the fall and the pain. “I’m fine Potter, come on.”

“No Lily, you’re hurt. A good captain doesn’t let their team fly injured.”

Lily was starting to feel the pain, so as much as she didn’t want to relent, she did. “I’m headed to Madam Pomfrey.” Lily groaned. James tried to follow Lily, but one warning glare deterred him. Flying was apparently not Lily’s new daring hobby, and she would officially not be trying out for quidditch. Lily would hate to admit that she had a new admiration for how Potter was able to do it, but she also had a new unfair distaste for him. Of course, he was perfect at another thing, and he’d seen her fall flat on her arse, he’d have a complex about it for sure. Her mind flashed back to when he had caught her last year, Lily blushed and all of her combined incidents with Potter and brooms caused her to swear off the vehicle for good.

Lily staggered in to the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey applied some cream to the sore areas after lecturing about how they shouldn’t be flying that early in the morning and Lily was healed almost instantly. She wrote letters to her mother and Petunia about the incident and sent them off.

…

Potions was the first class of the year. With the Slytherins. Severus came towards Lily almost instantly. Lily took a seat behind Mary and Marlene and Severus joined her.

Lily was quickly spotted by James Potter, “Evans! You’re alright!” he said, relieved.

Lily rolled her eyes, she’d managed to walk off the green by herself, of course she was alright, “Not in the mood Potter.” She mumbled.

“I can put you in a better one!” He smiled, that stupid grin, he could blind someone with those teeth.

He kept going, he never knew when to stop, he just kept talking to Lily. Lily could not take it for another second, “Silencio!” She casted the silencing spell. Sirius Black burst out laughing and there were jokes for minutes, that felt like hours, at James’ expense. It was a simple counterspell, anyone could cast it and let the poor boy speak, but it appeared everyone else had also grown tired of his voice this morning, cause he was silent for the rest of class.

“Lils!” Mary turned around peak at Lily’s potion for the thousandth time this class, “your potion is purple, and somehow ours has turned green.”

“Turn the heat down Mary.” Lily suggested nonchalantly.

“That’s what I said!” Marlene practically shrieked, making Lily burst into a fit of giggles, before getting chastised by Slughorn.

…

The first week of school had managed to pass without too much incident, although the so-called ‘marauders’ were apparently trying to set a record, as they had already managed five detentions each. Lily and Mary sat in their dorm.

“Lily, how are you at Herbology?” Mary asked, having stared at the textbook for nearly two hours now, but Lily doubted that she had even managed to turn the page.

Lily laughed, “Are you joking? You know I’m awful at it.” She pointed out.

“Bollocks.” Mary mumbled, “You do fine on the essays though.”

“You’d be better off asking Pettigrew for help.” Lily suggested.

Mary pulled a face, “I’d rather fail.” Mary pouted and thought for a second before adding, “You reckon Sirius is any good?”

Lily scoffed, Mary had managed to mention Sirius 112 times in the past 24 hours, Marlene and Lily had a bet on whether she’d pass 500 within the week and at this rate Marlene would win, she clearly fancied him.

“I reckon Sirius doesn’t do his work for the class.”

“I think he’s plenty bright.” Mary defended, sitting up.

“I think he’s smart, I just also think he’s quite lazy. Pretty sure Pettigrew does it for him.” Lily pointed out as she flipped through the new book her mum had sent.

Mary slammed her Herbology book shut with a huff, clearly annoyed though Lily wasn’t sure whether she was mad at her or the Herbology essay. “What are you reading?”

“Muggle book, The Great Gatsby.” Lily mumbled.

Mary came and sat on Lily’s bed. “What’s it about?”

“Not sure yet, only a part way through, reckon it’s a love story, or a tragedy, it’s a little strange.” She mused.

“Is it any good?”

Lily shrugged, “Suppose so, interesting for sure.” She marked her place and looked up at Mary, “It’s strange to think that most people don’t know about magic. Everytime I pick up a muggle book, there’s at least one problem that makes me wonder why they don’t fix it with a wave of their wand.”

“I feel that way sometimes.” Mary agreed. “Don’t read as much as you do though.”

“Suppose that’s true. If you want we could start a book club.”

Lily didn’t have to look to know Mary was rolling her eyes. Lily sighed, “Shouldn’t quidditch tryouts be done about now? Where’s Marlene?”

Mary scoffed, “Probably hanging around Potter, she fancies him I think.” Mary paused, “Sorry, I know you like him.”

Lily was suddenly upset, “I do not! I don’t fancy Potter! Marlene can have him!”

“Merlin, sorry. Didn’t realize you felt so strongly about not liking Potter.”

“I’m sick of him, he’s rather annoying.” Lily huffed. “Let’s not talk about boys.”

“Okay.” Mary agreed.

They sat in silence for far too long. It appeared all they had to talk about right now was boys.

“Have you heard about the Black family?” Mary asked, in that tone she used when she was about to gossip, she was probably the biggest gossip in all of Gryffindor, if not the school.

“Mary” Lily discouraged.

“They’re going to disinherit Sirius, that’s what I’ve heard. They think he’s a traitor.” Mary spoke in a hushed tone, like they would be caught. “Cause he hangs around Potter and Lupin, and he’s a Gryffindor.”

“No way that’s true.”

“It is true!” Mary insisted, “Heard they use curses on him and everything.”

“Mary, you can’t go around telling people this, I really think it’s just a rumor.” Lily hoped it was just a rumor for two reasons. She didn’t want anyone to be so carelessly abused, and because it it was true she’d have to be nicer to Sirius Black.

“It’s true! Dorcas Meadowes told me that she overheard it from Emmeline Vance who overheard it from Narcissa Black.”

Lily bit her lip, “Don’t go spreading stuff like that Mary, I’m sure he doesn’t want everyone gossiping about it.”

“Dorcas is spreading it, I am just repeating it.” Mary defended.

“They’re the same thing Mary.” Lily chastised.

Mary pouted, “You’re no fun Evans!” Mary did not wait for the silence to settle and instead continued the conversation in a clear attempt to distract from her assignment. “Have you talked to Potter recently?”

Lily wasn’t sure what Mary was getting at, “Heavens no. Why? Is he planning something?”

Mary shrugged, “He keeps talking about you. Overheard him in the corridors, reckon he fancies you.”

“Not likely.” Lily scoffed.

Mary rolled her eyes, “Are you blind, he’s trying to impress you!”

“He picks on me Mary. It’s quite obvious.” Lily sighed. “I asked him for help last week trying to ride a broom. You should have seen that stupid smile, like it was some ego boost to be better than me. Then I fell off my bloody broom, reckon his smile got even wider. He’s a twat.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it!” Mary sighed dramatically, as if Lily was putting a stop to some great romance by disliking James. But Lily couldn’t help that she couldn’t stand the bloke. Show off that he is, she didn’t know why the others let him do it. “You have to give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“Severus hates him.” Lily pointed out.

“Severus hates me!” Mary yelled.

Lily didn’t know how to respond, “He’s just misunderstood, that’s all.” She defended her oldest friend on pure instinct even though she knew that Mary was right.
Mary refocused on James Potter, “You have to admit James is cute, he’s probably a good snog.”

“Mary!” Lily nearly choked, “Mark my words Mary, I will never, ever, snog James Potter.”

…

“Lily, come on!” Mary was begging and tugging on her friends sleeve, but Lily had completely zoned out of the discussion.

Lily blinked feverishly until her mind returned to her. “Sorry, what?”

“The choir! I think we should join.” Mary pointed to the audition sign up. “Marlene’s trying out for quidditch, we should try for the choir.”
Lily shrugged, staring at the board filled to the brim with fliers. She knew that Remus would be intent on joining the dueling club, but Lily didn’t fancy the idea of hexing people. Gobstones club sounded like Lily’s personal hell. The Herbology club did not sound much better though. Chess club could be perfectly reasonable, Lily was adequate at the game, but the memory of her losing to Pettigrew made her decide against it. Lily looked for a Potions club, but no fliers were seen, none for Charms either, but it was likely because Flitwick ran the Choir. There were a few student made clubs, but Lily was not drawn to any of them. The only student club flier that caught her eye read Slytherin Hate Club which was one clearly made by Sirius Black, due to the distinct elegant cursive. Lily rolled her eyes but was certain that Black had gotten quite a kick out of it.

Lily gave into her friend’s pleading and put her name right under Mary’s on the sign up sheet. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Mary hugged Lily tightly.

“Okay, okay.” Lily lightly shoved her friend off of her. “Promised Remus I’d meet him in the library, want to come?”

“Christ Evans! It’s far too early in the year to be studying.” Mary whined.

“So you’re not coming?”

“Didn’t say that!” Mary defended, and followed Lily to the library.

…

Mary had abandoned the study session the second that Lily had finished correcting her Potions essay which made Lily laugh at the predictable turn of events.

“Do you have the notes from Tuesday?” Remus asked cautiously alluding to his absence from class.

Lily pulled out the notes and handed them over before she remembered Remus’ condition, and the fact that there had just been a full moon earlier that week. “Oh, Remus, I’m so sorry, I completely forgot.” Lily felt awful for completely forgetting her friend’s predicament. “You must think I’m a dense idiot, I should have visited you.” Lily insisted.

Remus shrugged, “I sleep the whole day, after it happens. Wouldn’t have noticed.”

“But you shouldn’t have to be alone.” Lily shook her head.

Remus laughed lightening the mood, “It’s alright Lily, promise. I’d have felt awful if you came. Plus one of the Marauders normally keeps me company, you’d get into a fight in the middle of the wing.”

Lily smiled, though her guilt still shone through, “If you’re sure.” She hesitated. “But if you ever want me to come I will. Promise.”

“I know Lily, but you don’t have to. It’s not like it’s something new.” Remus was becoming agitated so Lily dropped the discussion.

Lily and Remus poured over their Defence Against the Dark Arts textbooks, only occasionally breaking the quiet library atmosphere. Lily scanned through a page on intermediate counterjinx’s, “Are you joining the dueling club?”

Remus nodded, “Yeah, Dad wants me to.”

“Forgot your dad likes that stuff.”

“Taught me everything I know.” Remus smiled at the memories, not looking up from his book. Lily didn’t normally envy Remus, not in the way she envied James or Marlene, but in that moment Lily wished that there was just one person in her family that could understand magic. Lily kept her composure as she thought of her sister and the word rang in her ears, freak. They studied in silence the rest of the night.

…

After a while Remus left, and Lily was nearly alone in the library. The library was often found it close to empty earlier in the year. Most people preferred to grab a book and study elsewhere. There was a rumor that Ravenclaw even had their own library in their dorms, and of that, Lily was particularly jealous.

There was a faint sound of crying, barely audible over the wind. Lily put her books into her schoolbag and followed the sound. A thin boy sat in the corner, a letter beside him, and his knees curled to his chest. “Are you okay?” Lily asked carefully, kneeling down beside him.

He looked up at her, and the eyes that were brimming with tears moments ago, instantly went dry, as if he was used to disguising distress. His eyes were gray and his pupils large and dark, especially so when compared to his skin which was drastically pale, as if he was created in monochrome. He didn’t say anything, Lily didn’t ask him to.

“You’re allowed to cry, you know.” Lily suggested, “I’ll keep you company, you shouldn’t have to be alone if you’re upset.”

No response for a while just an empty stare that seemed to look right through Lily in his distraught state. “What’s your name?” His voice came out in a whisper, like he wasn’t supposed to speak, like he was scared how it would sound.

“I’m Lily.” She smiled warmly.

“Regulus.” He sighed in the same uncertain whisper, like he might scare her away at the mention of his name. Lily knew who he was then, but made no comment of it, it didn’t matter. They sat like that for a while, he was scared to make the next move, and she didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable.

“May I ask why you’re upset? Would you like to talk about it?” Lily asked cautiously with a delicate smile, he shook his head. “Alright, let me know if you change your mind.”

Lily didn’t move away, or leave. Regulus didn’t either. Instead, Lily pulled out a copy of Little Women. It was a fairly simple plot following four sisters through their lives and romances, but Lily adored period pieces. After about 10 minutes, she could feel Regulus reading the book over her shoulder.

It was nearly time for dinner when she realized how long it had been. “Are you feeling better Regulus?” She asked as casually as she could, not wanting to make him feel mocked.

Regulus looked at Lily for a moment in surprise as she broke the comfortable silence they had made. “Yes actually, thank you.” His voice was much stronger, regal almost.

“Here,” Lily handed him the book. “I have a loads more, if you would ever like to borrow them! Just find me, I quite enjoyed your company Regulus.” Lily smiled at the boy, who had regained some color in his face.

“Thank you Lily.” Regulus clearly wanted to say something else but couldn’t find the words. “I shall see you around.” He got up and left quickly.

Chapter Text

Lily and Mary were sat quietly in the stands at Marlene’s request. Peter and Remus were beside them at James’ and Sirius’ request. The four huddled together in the cool morning air, Mary was half asleep and leaning on Lily’s shoulder. Peter was the only one of them genuinely interested in the whizzing around on the brooms taking place above them.

“Reckon they’ll make the team?” Remus asked nervously.

Peter nodded emphatically, “James will.”

“Sirius though?” Remus asked about their other friend.

Peter seemed much less sure of this one, “He’s going against Marlene for the spot, it will be close.” Lily found this answer quite generous, but did not correct him, as Marlene had certainly hit many more bludgers than Sirius had.

“Do they always practice this early? It’s hardly six!” Mary whined, and Lily patted her back.

“No, sometimes they practice after class.” Peter answered.

“You’re not trying out for the team Peter?” Lily questioned, he was certainly knowledgable enough about quidditch.

Peter shook his head, “I want to be the commentator, if I can. McGonagall said she might let me, but I got to stay out of detention first.” Peter was shy about it, a blush creeping on his cheeks. Peter seemed to have more detentions than any of the other marauders, Lily was unsure how this was possible, but she figured that Peter was just utterly unlucky and caught most often amidst their pranks.

After what felt like hours of watching their friends on brooms, tryouts finally ended, with word that the list would be out later that week. “Marlene, you were brilliant!” Lily cheered, rushing to give her friend a hug.

“Think so?” Marlene questioned, her nerves clearly getting to her.

“You hit everything. Which I think is a good sign.” Mary yawned.

Marlene blushed, but it was hard to tell whether it was from the praise, adrenaline, or the cold. It would be a very obnoxious week of Marlene pacing the dorm before the results came out, though everyone in Gryffindor knew she was going to make the team.

…

Marlene had become a beater for the quidditch team, and was now exceedingly busy with practices, causing Mary and Lily to become quite close. Lily and Mary had both managed to successfully join the choir. It was an interesting cast of characters to say the least. Charity Burbage, a Hufflepuff third year, was the star pupil. Her blonde hair cascaded down her back in tangled waves that showed she was not too concerned with her appearance. Her voice was angelic to say the least, so it was no surprise that the third year had managed to become in charge of the choir.

Lily was entirely adequate and sociable, but Mary was thriving in this environment. It was entirely a new opportunity for Mary to showcase her talents, Mary was quickly well liked by the whole choir, and mostly for her personality as everyone there was capable of singing.

Lily was far more intrigued by Emmeline Vance. Emmeline Vance was a fourth year Ravenclaw who stood right beside Lily in choir, as they often shared music. However, what made Emmeline so entertaining was her blatant disdain for Charity. Emmeline had a habit iof mumbling crude things under her breath and mocking the girl out of jealousy, and Lily had the habit of hearing it and trying not to giggle. When Emmeline saw Lily giggling, Emmeline took it as a challenge and began saying the comments in a whisper to Lily. They quickly became good friends, and because of the two girls snarky habits, choir became the only time that Lily frequented being in trouble.

Lily had never enjoyed being a trouble-maker, but she was not prudish enough to revel in being a goody-two-shoes. So she almost took pride in the scoldings Emmeline and her received during the weekly choir rehearsals.

…

The Black brothers were getting into a spat in the corridor right outside the Gryffindor common room. “Reg get out of here before I make you!” Sirius said through gritted teeth.

“Leave him alone Sirius!” Lily interrupted, she knew she have ought to stay out of the sibling spat, but she couldn’t stand it. She also could not enter the commonroom unless they either stopped or moved elsewhere.

Regulus smiled, “Hello Lily. I’ve got your book.” He held out the copy of Little Women.

“Oh perfect!” Lily beamed back. “Did you like it?” Lily took it back, and began riffling through her bag.

“Brilliant, never read anything like it before.” He laughed a perfectly charming laugh.

“Good, this one is my favorite!” Lily handed Regulus her copy of Emma, “We should talk about them sometime when you’re less preoccupied.”

“I believe I would quite enjoy that.” Regulus smiled.

Lily then turned to Sirius, “Be nice! He’s a first year, and you can’t afford any more detentions this week or you’ll send Remus into a fit.” Lily laughed light heartedly before going in through the portrait hole, she could hear Regulus laughing at his brother as she closed the portrait hole.

Sirius Black came to find Lily not long after, he had Remus and James in tow as if they’d be needed for back up. Peter was there too, but that seemed to be more because they couldn’t leave him out. “You know my brother?” Sirius spat.

Lily did not look up from her book, “Yeah, not well, but we’re friendly.”

“How do you know him?” Sirius pressed, clearly frustrated.

“Dunno, met him in the library.” Lily mused with a shrug, “Don’t reckon it’s any of your business Black.”

“Course it’s my business! He’s my brother.” Sirius yelled and now the whole common room was looking at them.

James was calming Sirius down, when he turned to Lily, “Come on Evans, you know that’s not fair. What if someone said that about Petunia?” Lily glared daggers at James, how dare he mention her sister, it was an entirely different scenario.

“They would be right. My sister tells me what she wants me to know. I don’t snoop.” Lily shut her book and stood up. “Now is there a problem?” Lily was sharp and each syllable was crisp as annoyance laced her tone.

Remus came to her aide, as always, “No, there’s no problem Lily. If Sirius needs to he can talk to you at another time, when he’s not so tempered. We’re sorry for bothering you.” Lily smiled at Remus and as she passed by her friend she got on her tiptoes and gave him a peck on the cheek in appreciation.

As Lily headed up to her dorm she could swear she heard Potter cussing under his breath.

…

Sirius Black continued to attempt and corner Lily alone all week. Lily was exceptionally grateful for Mary Macdonald’s most recent quest to become Sirius Black’s girlfriend, as it ensured that Sirius could, infact, not get Lily alone without Mary swooping in instantly.

“Why does Sirius like you all of a sudden?” Mary was pouting in the dorm after a week of noticing the strange dynamic between Sirius and Lily.

“Sirius does not like me.” Lily assured.

Marlene poked her head up, “Probably mad, I’ve stolen Potter and Lily’s taken Lupin from him, gonna give her a piece of his mind.”

Mary smirked, “Maybe I ought to steal him.” Marlene quickly threw a pillow at her. “What? You both have one!”

“We’re just friends Mary, we’re not trying to snog anyone!” Lily protested.

“To each their own.” Mary shrugged, “Why does Black want to talk to you anyway?”

“He’s picking a fight, I dared to befriend his traitorous little brother.” Lily laughed, but neither Mary or Marlene found it funny. “What?”

Marlene approached the subject, having always been more delicate than Mary, “He’s dangerous Lily.”

“You sound like bloody Severus and Lupin.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“He’s a blood supremecist!” Mary shouted and Marlene shot her a look.

Lily nearly choked, “Mary, you’ve never talked to him.”

“It’s all the Blacks! Mary yelled, “The whole lot of them!”

“You were just trying to snog Sirius!” Lily shouted back.

Mary countered quickly, “He doesn’t count he’s a Gryffindor.”

“I’m not interested in fighting about inter-house tension. Just cause he’s a Black, and because he’s in Slytherin, does not make him a blood purist.” Lily rolled her eyes, “He’s associating with me, I’m a muggle-born.”

“We just don’t want you getting hurt.” Marlene looked Lily right in the eyes as she spoke in a soft tone. It was almost condescending.

“I’ll be just fine, can defend myself with no problem against a first year.” Lily reminded and that was the final word on the matter.

…

“Remus, we have to break them up.” Lily whispered as they watched Sirius and Mary being absolutely insufferable in the common room. The two had hardly been boyfriend-girlfriend for three days, and they were already holding each others hand and calling each other pretty like it was the most important thing in the world.

“I’m going to hex him, don’t know what yet, but reckon I’ll have to.” Remus sighed, “His ego’s gotten worse since Macdonald asked him out. Didn’t know it was possible.”

“You’ve got your eye on anyone Remus?” Lily asked.

“Nope. Have you?” Remus responded and Lily shook her head. “Shame, James is still jealous, hasn’t stopped scowling at me since you pecked my cheek last week.”

“That was just friendly! Don’t get the wrong idea, Remus.” Lily laughed, “If I liked you I would have done something about it by now.”

“I don’t have the wrong idea.” Remus defended himself, “But James is right mad.”

“James Potter has no right to be mad.” Lily gritted, suddenly having better posture at the mention of him.

Remus laughed, “You know he likes you then?”

Lily scowled, “I’m not dense. For goodness sake, the whole school knows he has a crush on me.”

“You should tell him that, cause he thinks he is very covert about it.”

Lily was struggling not to laugh now, “Godric! He does not.”

“I swear it Lily! He’s talked about you all day everyday since he met you.” Remus rolled his eyes, “Bloke is bloody obsessed.”

“There’s no way.” Lily shook her head in disbelief.

“You can’t tell him I told you!” Remus blurted in a whisper, “He’ll have my bloody head. Idiot already thinks I’m trying to snog you!”

Lily laughed, “You’ve got to try harder Remus! I’m never gonna snog you at this rate.”

“Good!” He declared. “You’re not my type, Red.”

“Red?” Lily questioned.

Remus shrugged, “It’s what Sirius calls you, makes James mad.”

“Well if it makes James mad, then I rather love it.” Lily wore a proud smile, “Red it is.”

“You’re awful, torture the poor lad.”

“He tortures me as much.” Lily retorted, “But what are we going to do about Sirius and Mary?”

Remus sighed deeply, “Never look either of them in the eye again.”

“Seems good enough.”

Chapter Text

“Why is your friend absolutely dazed?” Emmeline whispered in the middle of rehearsal.

“She’s in love apparently.” Lily rolled her eyes. “With Sirius Black.”

Emmeline chuckled, “Isn’t he betrothed?”

Lily was confused, “What?”

“The whole lot of them are. Purebloods, the like crazy purebloods, determine marriages the second you’re born, reckon he’s gotta marry a pureblood.” Emmeline shrugged.

“Is it really that common?” Lily asked.

“No, just the extremists.” Emmeline assured.

Flitwick snapped his fingers, “Miss Evans and Miss Emmeline, if you are done now, we have songs to get through.”

“Sorry professor.” Both girls muttered and begrudgingly went back to their music, though Emmeline was

However, this news absolutely rattled Lily and she didn’t know what to do with it. So she took it where she took all her best information. “Remus!” Lily ran to him when she found him in the common room. “Remus, I heard the craziest thing in choir!”

Remus was reading a thick History book, “Does it have to be right now?” He groaned.

“If you don’t want to hear it, I’ll go tell Severus.” Lily pretended to shrug and be indifferent, but they both knew Remus would cave and close the book at this statement.

“Fine.” He groaned, and turned his attention to Lily, “What do you have for me, Red?”

Lily glanced around to make sure no one was listening, “Sirius is engaged to someone!”

“He is not.” Remus didn’t even seem amused, “Where’d you even hear that?”

“Emmeline Vance.” Lily pointed out, and Remus’ eyes grew wide.

Remus turned pale for a second, and shot Lily a warning look, “Do not tell anyone else, okay? I have to sort some things out.”

“Remus, what?” Lily called but Remus was already bounding up the stairs to find Sirius.

…

All the marauders were acting strange since the Lily had informed Remus of Sirius’ engagement. She had decided the rumors must have been true, or else there would be no basis behind the sudden change. But Remus would never detail anything, simply shrugging and saying “Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you know lies.” It had become almost a catchphrase for Remus and Lily could not stand it, it was the most annoying thing he did.

Defense Against the Dark Arts had always been a tension filled class, based solely on it’s nature. The fact that the Gryffindors had the class alongside the Slytherins, made the class a danger zone. Even more so, considering they were practicing dueling today.

Lily’s worst nightmare happened, Remus and Severus were paired off to duel. “Don’t do anything bad, Severus.” Lily shot him a glare.

“It’s a duel, Lily, I’m supposed to do something bad.” Severus had an evil smirk on and Lily knew it would be deep trouble.

It was difficult to tell who was winning and who was losing the duel between Severus and Remus. The only difference, was that Remus was holding back by only using spells in the curriculum, and Severus was not. But Remus was so fast with counterjinxes it hardly mattered. The duel was fastpaced but went on far too long for comfort as the whole class waited on one of them to make a mistake, but between Remus’ years of practice at defense, and Severus’ determination to curse Remus in front of everyone, it appeared like the duel would never end. That is, until one spell hit Remus, fur began to sprout out of his body. Lily was afraid that Severus had done something to trigger his condition. Every inch of Remus covered in thick fur.

“Detention Mr. Snape, that was not an approved spell. Mr. Lupin please make your way to Madam Pomfrey.” Remus had already begun to rush out of the room.

“May I take him?” Lily asked, and was already leaving when she’d heard the approval. Lily sprinted to catch up with Remus, “You alright?”

“Bugger off Evans.” Remus mumbled, knowing she’d hear.

“You’re mad?”

“Course I’m bloody pissed.” Remus shook his head, “Thought he’d turned me somehow.”

“I’m coming with you to Pomfrey.” Lily declared, she got no response. “That’s it, no talking?”

“I know you Red, can’t stop you from coming. But you’re not gonna enjoy what I’ve got to say.” Remus was rather snarky today, though Lily supposed she couldn’t blame him, she would also be snarky and mad if covered in fur.

Madam Pomfrey nearly shrieked at the sight of him. “Remus! What happened?”

“It’s not a- not a condition thing.” He stammered out quickly, “Duel gone bad, that’s all, just need some help.”

Madam Pomfrey calmed slightly at this and then turned to Lily, “Do you need any help dear?”

“She’s here with me.” Remus answered, “A friend, who worries too much.”

“I worry a normal amount.” Lily muttered, Remus laughed at her. “You laugh like a hyena, certain you’re a wolf?”

“You’ve seen the scars.” Remus shrugged, hair flying every which way.

“How many are there?”

“Never counted.” He answered as Madam Pomfrey came in with a potion, she made him drink it and told him to wait twenty minutes. Slowly and surely the excess hair fell off of Remus in clumps until he was back to his normal self.

They were walking to the Gryffindor common room, “So you won’t tell me who Sirius is engaged to?” Lily pressed.

“Lily, it’s not my business to tell.”

“But I’m nosey, plus it’s in the interest of my friend who happens to be his girlfriend.” Lily tried pointing out.

“It’s not like Mary and Sirius are rushing to the chapel.” Remus chuckled to himself.

“Come on Remus, just tell me!” Lily begged.

“You’re worse than Mary.” He teased, “I’ll tell if you tell what’s going on between you and Baby Black.”

“Regulus and I are friends, I don’t understand why everyone’s got an issue with it.” Lily answered.

Remus looked around and whispered, “Regulus is a Slytherin!”

“You know I think the house rivalry is stupid. Don’t know why you’re surprised by this.” Lily just shrugged.

“Regulus is different though, he’s a Black.” Remus insisted.

Lily couldn’t help but laugh, “So is Sirius. I really don’t understand, if you were to take Sirius at his word about me you’d think I was right tosser.”

“Fine, alright.” Remus relented, “Euphemia Rowle, she’s ten, not even in Hogwarts yet. That’s who he’s engaged to.” Lily tried not to react in shock, but her jaw dropped regardless. “You can’t tell anyone. Not a soul.”

“What are you lot doing about it?”

Remus shrugged, “Nothing, not yet at least. We tried to think of something, but Sirius reckons he’ll be disowned before he’s got to marry her anyway. So unless it seems more intense, we’ll be waiting to make a move. Sirius has forbidden anything right now.”

…

Lily and Severus sat in the library, the two did not typically study together, and Lily was quickly reminded why. Though she loved her friend, Severus did not fancy studying in the way she did, he could read it through once and know it. “Severus, do you understand the Charms history on page 57?”

Severus flipped to the page, “Yes.” He answered and moved on.

“Severus, you’re bad at this.”

“I’m doing quite well! I know all the stuff.” He replied confused.

“We’re supposed to help each other study.” Lily pointed out.

Severus scrunched his face up, “Doesn’t make any sense to me. Think I prefer doing it alone.”

“Come on, we’ll just walk around instead.” Lily laughed as they got up to leave the library. When they went to leave they ran into Regulus Black. “Hello Regulus.” She smiled.

Regulus looked between Lily and Severus for a few seconds, a small scowl forming, before he feigned indifference. “Hello Lily, hello Severus. Didn’t realize you two knew each other.”

Severus was scowling now, “You know Lily?”

Regulus nodded, “We’ve been acquainted.” He was very formal, and seemed to impose an aura of authority when it came to Severus.

“Lily is my best friend.” Severus was sharp with his words, as if trying to stress his importance to her.

“We were just headed out,” Lily said sadly, “I’ve got another book for you, we should talk sometime.” She smiled, Regulus nodded, and Lily left with Severus.

Severus waited until they were well out of earshot, “Why are you hanging out with Black?”

“He’s quite pleasant.” Lily laughed, “Why does everyone have a problem with it?”

“Lily, you shouldn’t be friends with Slytherins.” Severus shook his head.

Lily coughed, “You’re a-”

“Well besides me!”

“Severus, you know I’m not going to listen to you.”

“It’s bloody annoying. You should listen to me more often, I’m always right.” He was quite adamant and far too serious in the statement for Lily’s liking so she shoved him lightly.

…

Halloween, 1972 would have been astoundingly unremarkable had it not been for the purple envelope that landed right in front of Lily during breakfast. Lily stared at the neat writing, certain it was a trap.

“Why aren’t you opening it?” Mary asked.

Lily shrugged, “I don’t know that I want to read it.” Lily shoved the letter in her bag. She tried not to think about it, but it was the only thing she could think about. She went all through classes and the feast, only wondering what the letter might say.

Days passed, she still refused to open it, and instead the letter sat in her bag and a similar pit sat in her stomach.

“You’ve been acting weird all week, Red.” Remus complained as Lily stared at the same page of her textbook.

“Have not.” Lily mumbled the obvious lie.

“If you say so.” Remus shrugged.

Lily looked up at him, “Aren’t you going to ask me what’s wrong?” She asked increduously.

“No.” Remus laughed, “If you want to tell me, you will.”

Lily huffed, “You should still ask, werewolves still have manners.”

He rolled his eyes, “What’s wrong Lily?”

Lily smiled, “Well, since you asked, Petunia sent me a letter and I can’t get myself to read it.” Lily pulled out the letter and put it on the table, it had been slightly crinkled and jostled around in her bag, so she tried to smooth it out, but failed. “It probably says something horrible that I can’t live with, but it might not.”
Remus laughed, “It’s like Shrödinger’s cat.”

“Like what?”

“Shrödinger’s cat, if you put a cat in a box with no food or water and wait a week, you don’t know whether it is dead or alive until you open the box.” He smiled at his science fact, clearly feeling very smart. “Anyway, only solution is to open it.”

“I know.” Lily answered, “Just not quite yet.” She stuffed the letter back down in the bag.

“Have you been writing you sister?”

“Yeah, every week. She responded last year. Hasn’t this year, until now.”

It took another three days for Lily to read the letter, and it was worse than she could have imagined.

Lily,
Do not write unless it is an emergency.
Sincerely,
Petunia

Chapter Text

Lily did not write home, not to Petunia, not even to her parents. She had cried in Profesor McGonagall’s office three times in the past week and she felt rather foolish and childish, though McGonagall swore it was alright.

Lily did what she always did when she was distracting herself, she threw herself into her studies. All her work for the rest of the semester got finished in record time. She spent time with every person she could, Severus and her went on frequent walks, Lily began seeing Emmeline outside of just choir and Emmeline insisted on showing Lily how to braid hair. Remus and Lily were practically inseparable between their trips to the library and awkwardly sitting on the quidditch stands waiting for Marlene and James. Remus and Lily were hardly without each other and rumors began to abound that the two were a couple. Lily found these rumors to be absolutely hilarious, and Remus wanted to curl up and die. Each time a new rumor circulated Remus had to do damage control with James Potter who would sulk until he believed Remus had no feelings for his female counterpart.

…

It was getting cold, which made it almost unbearable to sit through Marlene’s first quidditch match. Mary and Lily were shivering in the stands, fully clad in red and gold. “I don’t even understand what’s happening.” Lily whined as she practically buried herself into Remus. Remus had the habit of being extremely warm, even though he refused to wear a coat.

“Jeez Lily, you’re freezing.” Remus chuckled.

“Oh I had no idea!” Lily spat through her shivers.

“Alright, alright.” He raised his hands defensively, “and if you think I understand the game any more than you do, you’re mad.”

Sirius Black peeked out behind Mary, “We’re winning right now, Marlene’s killing it up there, knocked at least 8 bludgers.”

“James is keeping up too, he’s the one scoring afterall.” Peter added.

Lily forced Remus’ arm around her, “Careful Red, people will think we’re dating.”

“It’ll be easier to explain than letting your poor, innocent, best friend freeze to death.” Lily was fully encased in Remus by the end of the match, and to any outsiders it would look like they were madly in love.

The Gryffindor team won the match, and Lily was glad to see Marlene so excited, but she was just as glad to be back inside. The Gryffindor victory meant that there would be a raucous celebration in the common room that night. If there was one thing the Gryffindors were known for, it was their bravery, but the second thing was their quidditch parties.

“You have to go with me! I’m on the team and Mary will be gawking over Black.” Marlene pleaded, and Lily was quick to cave in. “I don’t know what to wear, didn’t go last year, don’t think most first years do.”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear, you played great, you’ll be a star.” Lily smiled, “I can do your makeup and I have some muggle things that might fit you.” Lily mused, and not long after Lily and Marlene were riffling through her wardrobe at all the outfits.

“This!” Lily threw a dress over at Marlene, Lily had stolen it from Petunia. It was a long sleeved short red dress with gold stitching. “It’ll be so cute on you.” Marlene was soon dressed, and though Lily didn’t own any makeup, they knew where Mary kept hers so they stole Mary’s pink lipgloss, and borrowed her mascara, fully knowing that she would throw a tantrum should she ever find out. Lily found a light purple sundress that she wore with a white sweater borrowed from Marlene, along with some of Mary’s stolen makeup.

Lily and Marlene did not know how to interact with the party, the sixth and seventh years were all absolutely drunk, and the fourth and fifth years were screaming or kissing each other.

James Potter bounded up to them. But stopped dead in his tracks for a second. He stared blankly at Lily, and Marlene began laughing. Lily wasn’t sure whether she was laughing at Lily’s blush or James’ utter idiocy. “Evans, you look stunning.”

“Thank you, Potter.” Lily tried to look anywhere but at James, who was trying to look directly into her eyes.

“Want to dance?” He held out his hand.

“She’d love to.” Marlene answered on Lily’s behalf, before shoving her towards Potter, causing Lily to trip right into him. Lily was glaring at Marlene, which only made Marlene laugh harder.

“I should warn you Potter, I’ve got two left feet.” Lily laughed, James looked down as if inspecting her feet, “It’s an expression.” He looked back up to her eyes, rather bashfully, “I can’t dance for bollocks.”

James shook his head, “Just never had a good partner.” His smile was bright, “Lucky for you, I’m the best.” Lily couldn’t help but laugh. It was hard to tell which of the two looked more foolish on the dance floor, Lily who was nervously shaking her hips, unsure of what to be doing, or James who had only been formally trained in ballroom dance and was practically doing a one man walz.

The two slowly combined into an awkward mix of spins and disco, limbs flailing as they laughed at each other. They stayed like that for over an hour, and Lily found herself having a great deal of fun, apparently forgetting who she was with.

…

Breakfast the next day was extremely uncomfortable for Lily as she recalled the previous night and had to face James Potter’s annoying charm.

“You like me, just admit it!” Potter pleaded.

“I had a momentary lapse in judgment.” Lily was adamant, “I do not like you Potter.”

“Not even as a friend?”

“Certainly not as more than a friend.” Lily didn’t even look up from her book as she spoke to him, “We can consider ourselves acquaintances if you insist upon it, but often times I consider you my sworn rival.” Lily was honest to what she felt, though she kept her tone light, not wanting to berate Potter too much this early in the morning. Though, Lily would admit that annoying James Potter was her favorite past time and lately it had become extremely easy to do so. Lily was fully aware that she was the one thing James Potter had ever wanted that he could not have, and she quite enjoyed making sure he knew it.

James was beginning to lose his mind, “Come on Evans! I gave you flying lessons, I listened to you complain about Petunia, I danced with you, what more must I do?”

“If you don’t like hanging out with me, by all means you can stop.” Lily chided, quite offended.

“You can’t hate me, we eat together every morning. You must like me.”

“You’re an arse,” was Lily’s half-joking answer, as she tried to shut down the conversation.

James groaned, “The only thing I haven’t done is kiss Snivellus’ boot!”

Lily glared daggers at Potter at the mention of Severus, who he had been rather awful to the whole year. The comment lit a fire directed towards James, but he finally had Lily’s full attention, “You don’t care about anyone but yourself, Potter. That’s the issue I have with you, every single act of kindness you’ve shown me has been for your benefit.”

“So what?” James huffed, “I’m still being kind!”

“You’re a fool.” Lily spat, “You’re an arrogant fool who wouldn’t know a hard day’s work if it slapped you in the face. Everything has been handed to you on a silver platter Potter and I am sick of it!”

James was red with anger, they had never gotten to this point of fighting. Potter was difficult to anger, but for the first time Lily had managed it, “So you’ll keep snogging Remus, to make me jealous.” James was livid. “You keep snogging my best friend, and I know what you’re doing Evans!”

Lily left the table, deciding she was far too mad to be hungry. She would not even entertain the notion that she cared whether or not James was jealous, and she certainly would not allow him to say she was snogging anyone, much less Remus.

…

“Lily, what did you do?” Remus asked, and Lily had no clue what he was referring to, “James is refusing to talk to me, cause you said we were dating.”

Lily scoffed, “I did not!”

“Lily please, he’s my best mate, can you just explain that we’re not dating?”

“I thought I was your best mate.” Lily crossed her arms.

“Alright fine, my best male mate. I live with him, Lily. Can’t not talk to him.” Remus pleaded.

Lily rolled her eyes, “Well he insulted me and I fought back. I’m not apologizing, Remus. He deserved much worse.”

Remus slammed his head into his book. “Lily! He doesn’t believe me. Whole school will think we’re dating.”

“Remus, he’s a jerk. If he doesn’t believe you, he’s not a very good friend.”

“How am I supposed to be an eligible bachelor in these conditions.” Remus grumbled, his words muffled by the paper from his book, and Lily laughed so loud she was shushed by the librarian.

By the end of the week the whole school did, in fact, think that Remus and Lily were dating. Lily was perfectly fine with this, but Remus had gone mad. Though if there was one person angrier than Remus about the rumors, it was Severus Snape. Severus had tried with all his might to stop the spread of the rumors, and had gone so far as hexing a fourth year he’d over heard talking about ‘the red head Gryffindor’ which gained him a weeks detention.

Eventually the rumors were so rampant even Severus had to believe them, and confronted Lily about it on numerous occasions. “Of all people!” Severus had complained, “The one person I asked you to stay away from.”

Lily scoffed, “You ask me to stay away from many many people. Plus, we’re not dating.”

The constant assurance that Lily wasn’t dating Remus, did little to stop the rumors, and she was certain Emmeline had taken part in spreading the rumors. Hogwarts was too small of a school, it meant no one was capable of minding their own business.

…

Lily had arranged to meet Regulus in the library. It was strange to say the least. Lily and Regulus had much in common, but it was not easy. Both were slightly too quiet to say much, and there was a certain tension in the air. Lily wasn’t sure whether it was their difference in houses, gender, or blood status that kept the situation so tense.

They both looked at each other for a long while, just looking into each others eyes, exchanging unspoken conversation. Regulus slowly moved closer to Lily, and his head naturally found it’s way to her shoulder. Lily liked the feeling, and she began playing with his hair. They both read quietly, cuddled into each other in their isolated corner of the library. There was a simplicity to their interactions, one Lily hadn’t had with someone else who possessed magic.

There was a certain understanding between Lily and Regulus, that didn’t need to be said aloud. But Regulus did say it, breaking their silence, “My family hates me too.”

Lily hummed in response. She didn’t want to speak about it, neither did Regulus, but the quiet knowledge that both of them felt like outsiders, made the world seem brighter. Afterall, how could such a beautiful, smart, pure-blooded boy, ever be an outsider, how could he ever feel as alone as Lily? It made her feel safer, to know that the most perfect creature on earth could feel like her. She could see it in his dark eyes, he was just like her.

“It’s okay.” Lily said quietly, he looked up at her, clearly confused. Lily herself wasn’t sure what she was referring to, “You’re allowed to be upset Regulus.”

He shook his head, “It’s complicated. It’s very complicated.” He mumbled, cuddling deeper into Lily.

…

Lily had finished all her work and had begun feverishly knitting holiday gifts. She made hats or gloves for everyone she could think of. This would have been much easier if Lily was better at knitting or at least, not a perfectionist. She however, was a perfectionist and would restart several gifts several times.

“Lily!” Mary complained, “Did you take my lipgloss?”

“No, ask Marlene.” Lily did not look up from her two needles, working away.

“She’s at quidditch!” Mary complained, “I need it now Lily! It’s urgent.” This caught Lily’s attention.

Lily looked up, “Why do you urgently need lipgloss?”

“I think I might kiss Sirius tonight.” Mary giggled, and Lily gagged at this. “Don’t make that face!”

“Gross Mary! Don’t kiss him.”

Mary rolled her eyes, “We’re very mature Lily. Just because you and Remus-”

“Remus and I aren’t dating!”

Mary laughed, clearly not believing Lily, “Whatever, Sirius and I are ready to take this to the next level.”

Lily made a sour face again, “I don’t want to hear about it Mary.”

“You’re just jealous.” Mary stuck her tongue out.

“No, I’m disgusted. Sirius probably has a disease.”

“He does not!” Mary squealed.

“Does to!” Lily retorted before being tackled by Mary. The two wrestled playfully before Marlene came in and broke them up.

“Marlene!” Mary shouted, and Marlene backed off surprised by the outburst.

“What?”

“Did you take my lipgloss?”

Chapter Text

Shortly before the beginning of Winter holiday Lily received a letter from Professor Slughorn. She was invited to a holiday party, and of course Lily could not turn it down. She was one of just a few students there, and one of maybe four second years.

The party was more lavish than Lily had ever seen, it seemed excessive considering the lack of students there. Between the mountains of food and sweets, overly formal dress code, and more intellectual conversation than Lily had ever been privy to. Lily had been quite flattered by her invite, thanking Professor Slughorn profusely in person and sending three thank you notes. He told her that he found her to be a remarkable with of exceptional potential and she reveled in the comment.

The night at Slughorn’s party had been possibly the best night Lily had ever had. She felt special, she got to hang out with Severus with absolutely no judgement. There was a startling lack of shenanigans and drama that she was unable to find among the other Gryffindors.
Lily had spent the majority of the party conversing with the upperclassmen on the idea behind using muggle medicine alongside modern wizard medicine. This got many mixed reviews, but Lily stood her ground on the issue, garnering her the title of ‘that bloody Gryffindor’, a title which would follow her around Slughorn’s events, and one she wore with pride.

…

Lily sat with Mary and Marlene in the compartment of the Hogwarts Express. The three girls were unusually quiet, despite having hardly seen each other in days. Mary had been busy with Sirius Black, Marlene had been utterly obsessed and enchanted with quidditch practice, and Lily had been in a knitting frenzy to get everyone’s gifts ready in time, she had hardly made it, but made each of them swear not to open the gifts until Christmas day.

“How’s Sirius?” Marlene asked Mary awkwardly.

“He’s fine. Nice enough, bit pigheaded though, sometimes.” Mary mused. “Swear I should’ve gone after Potter sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you?” Lily asked.

Mary laughed, “Won’t let anyone touch him. Only has eyes for you Evans, talks about you like a lunatic.”

“Gross.” Lily stated, “He’s an idiot.”

“Well, we can’t all be geniuses, Godric forbid you have competition for Slughorn’s favorite.” Marlene pointed out. The girls slowly fell into their usual rhythmic banter, only for them to be ripped away from each other when the train stopped at King’s Cross.

Heading home for Christmas made Lily’s heart race. She had not written her parents, and part of her hoped they would not show and that she could go home with the McKinnons. Lily felt sick to her stomach, and that made her feel worse. Lily knew she should be excited to see her family, but she wasn’t, she hated being without magic, and she hated her sister. Lily felt stupid.

Lily’s mom picked her up from King’s Cross. Lily felt utterly numb. “Sweetie, is everything alright?”

Lily just shook her head, knowing she couldn’t dare say how she felt. “I’m just tired mum.”

“Lily flower, if something is bothering you, you can tell me.” Her mother urged.

Lily just shrugged. She didn’t look at her mum, just stared at the floor. Her mother didn’t say anything else as they drove home.

Lily didn’t see Petunia for the first two days of holiday. Lily wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed by this, or relieved. On the rare occasion she did see Petunia there was just scowling, not even an exchange of words. Lily reckoned it would have been more comforting to fight, she longed to scream at her sister, at least then there would be words and feelings in the open. But instead, the two girls passed each other like angry shadows, like two ghosts with unfinished business, unwilling to put their demons to rest.

Lily spent most of the holiday either visiting Severus, or tying up the phone and calling Remus. Remus had been far more sympathetic than Severus had been.

“She won’t speak to me Remus, I feel like a stranger in my own house.” Lily was near tears.

“Uh-huh.” Was the simple reply from the other line.

“Remus! Are you even listening?”

Silence for a moment, then muffled yelling, “Yeah, sorry Lily. Mum’s throwing a holiday party this year, bit hectic. I’m listening, promise.”

“It’s alright, I can call you back later.” Lily didn’t want to be a burden to him.

“No! I’m fine, promise.” Remus rushed, “I really think you should just ignore her Lily. You’re gonna make yourself sick with worry.”

“I’m already sick with worry!”

“You’re proving my point, Red!” He answered, “Come to mine for Christmas. We’re having loads of people over. We’re throwing out party Christmas Eve, cause the Potter’s always throw on Christmas. You could totally stay at mine though, Mum won’t mind.”

Lily longed to, “Can’t, my parents like me home for Christmas, we probably have to go to Church.”

“Thought you were banned from church.”

“I am not banned, but close to it. They just think I’m the child of satan or something.” Lily shrugged, “Reckon it’s the magic. But have to stay here, and have the world’s most boring and unremarkable Christmas.”

…

In hindsight, Lily would have loved to have the most boring and unremarkable Christmas. Lily Evans, however, would never be so lucky. Instead she was subject to being woken up at 5am, as usual. The unusual part was the intense screaming match between her mother and Petunia. Clearly Lily had not been informed on everything that was happening while she was at school. Her father seemed to think of this screaming as a normal occurrence, and so Lily clung to her dad rather than trying to involve herself between her mother and her sister.

The early morning church service may have been the calmest part of the day, there was no fighting, even if they got horrible glances from the other church-goers. Lily was more or less able to ignore them.

Dinner however, was possibly the worst that Lily had ever experienced. Lily could not remember what started the argument. Petunia called Lily a name, and then Lily called her one back. Slut was a new insult out of Petunia’s mouth, and Lily wasn’t sure what to do about it. But something about Petunia calling her a ‘slut’ got her father to defend Lily. The whole house was rattling from the yelling.

“I’m going to run away! Vernon will pick me up and you’ll never have to see my disgusting face again!” Petunia yelled.

“Go ahead! Petunia, you do not use that language in my house. Certainly not to your sister.” Their father screamed back.

“You always take her side! She’s such a little freak. You only care about your goddam circus show!”

Lily ran out of the house after that one. She could hear her father and sister still shouting as she ran.

This was all Lily’s fault, she knew that. If she wasn’t a stupid witch, then maybe she would still have her sister. Lily didn’t know which she would’ve preferred, she loved Hogwarts, but she used to love her sister too. She found herself frequently thinking like that recently, saying things like ‘used to’ when it came to her sister. Lily no longer associated with Petunia, not consciously, and not beyond blood. It hurt to think about. Lily had been best friends with her sister less than two years ago, and now Lily wouldn’t dare to even confide a secret to Petunia.

Her mother had sworn that all sisters fought like this, and that they would make up. Lily was certain this wasn’t true. She was rather certain that her and Petunia would never be the same again, Lily would always be a freak, and Petunia would always be normal.

Lily found herself sitting outside of Severus’ house. She knew better, Severus hated when Lily showed up unannounced, but she simply had no where else to run to. Lily always knew she could run to Severus, he was a safe place.

It took Severus over two hours to come out, and Lily was freezing. “Lily! What are you doing here?” He was frantic, instantly covering her with a coat, seeing as she was still in her church clothes, now entirely filthy and wet. “You’re normally with your family on Christmas.”

“You are my family, Severus.” Lily whispered as she cuddled into him.

Chapter Text

It had been strange for everyone involved as Lily stayed with the Snapes. Mrs. Snape had alerted Lily’s parents to her whereabouts and allowed her to stay in the guest room for two days. Severus kept Lily company, mostly hiding away with her in the small room.

Lily and Severus tended to sit quietly in the small room showing each other their latest spells and tricks. It had become a game of sorts and they were soon competing to see who had the most useless spell in their arsenal. Lily couldn’t stop laughing when Severus had used himself to demonstrate a hex that caused the target to sneeze out sardines. “Severus! Why would you do that?” Lily cackled.

“Well I thought it’d be rude to curse you!” He sneezed once more and several sardines flew out of his nose. “I clearly was not thinking.” Lily performed a quick counter-jinx on him and he stopped sneezing, but there were sardines flopping wildly on the floor now.

Lily was still doubled over in laughter, “You must teach me that one!”

“It’s not that funny.” Severus rubbed his nose, which clearly itched from all the sneezing.

Lily smiled brightly, “It was hysterical!”

“Well, at least you had a laugh.” Severus shrugged with a light laugh of his own.

They decided that the spell Lily knew to blow purple bubbles out of her wand was probably the most pointless one, but the hex that made someone sneeze out sardines was a close second.

Their fun had been brought to a close when Severus’ father returned home from work. There was a screaming match between Severus’ parents taking place outside their door. Lily had never been fond of Severus’ father, but the yelling made her dislike the man more.

“Is he always like this?” Lily whispered to Severus, feeling absolutely awful for him.

“Don’t pity me.” He shook his head.

“Oh, Sev.” Lily sighed.

Severus shrugged, “It’s not all bad. Sometimes he goes to work, or falls asleep.”

“But he drinks this much?”

“I’ve told you, haven’t I?” Severus asked far too casually for Lily’s liking, as if it was nothing.

Lily stared for a moment, trying to understand. “Severus, this isn’t normal. Come stay with me.”

“I’m fine Lily, I can’t leave my mother. Not with him.” He said with absolute certainty, he’d clearly thought about it. “Plus, you ran to my house.”

“Because of my sister, not my parents. My sister has been awful lately. And then they all fight, I couldn’t stay there.” Lily felt rather childish, seeing what Severus had to deal with, and her running away because of one fight. “I can leave, if you want.”

“Please don’t.” Severus asked, “I like having you here, it’s calmer. He avoids me, like you’ll call the cops.”

“I should call the cops.” Lily thought aloud.

Severus’ eyes went wide, “Don’t, it won’t work.”

Lily sighed, she felt like she should save him. But Lily knew that she couldn’t, if he didn’t want her to, she wouldn’t. “I’ve been gone for two days, I should head home, Sev.”

Severus nodded solemnly, “I’m sorry, that you had to see him like this.”

“Don’t be, I should be thanking you. You helped me, Severus, more than you know.” Lily smiled at her friend and gave him a tight hug. “I’ll meet you tomorrow? Under the tree?”

“Of course. Anything you want.”

…

Lily came home to her parents, and besides the small scolding from her mother about how she shouldn’t have run away, things were relatively normal.

“Mum?”

“Yes Lily flower?” Her mother planted a soft kiss on Lily’s forehead.

“Does Petunia hate me?” Lily tried not to cry as she asked the question.

Mrs. Evans let out a long and deep sigh, she looked at her young daughter with a loving and soft gaze, “Your sister does not hate you. But it’s hard for Petunia when you go away. She just doesn’t want you to leave her behind.”

“She’s leaving me behind.” Lily’s tears began to spill down her face.

Lily’s mother carefully wiped the falling tears, “She’ll come back around. She’s just figuring herself out. All teen girls go through it, though some may be crueler than others. Petunia only lashes out because she knows you’ll still be there when she needs you.”

“That’s not fair.” Lily cried, “What if I need her?”

“Oh my sweet girl, Petunia loves you, even when she’s rather unkind. She’ll be there if you need her, I promise. And in the meantime, you have me and your father. You will be okay Lily, I promise you.” Lily’s mother held her tightly as if Lily would break if she were to give her an inch of room. “I love you Lily.”

“I love you too, Mum.”

…

Upon returning to Hogwarts there were only two people she spoke to, Severus, and Professor McGonagall.

Lily had met with McGonagall on an almost daily basis. “Can magic be taken away?” Lily had asked, several times now with different phrasing and words, to the same confused glances and concerned objections.

“Miss Evans, whatever you are planning to do, I would urge you against it.” McGonagall's stern tone didn’t allow much room for objection.

“But it is possible then?” Lily pressed.

“Yes, I suppose so.” McGonagall nodded reluctantly.

Lily used all the courage she could muster, “Will you teach me how?”

“Miss Evans, even if I had the means to, I would need to know your motives.” McGonagall adjusted her glasses to peer down at the girl, in a slightly condescending notion.

“I don’t want to be a witch.” Lily had been resolved to this idea for nearly a week. “It’s ruined everything.”

McGonagall looked at Lily, trying to determine whether this was a joke, “Miss Evans, you have infinite potential. You’re one of the most talented students in your year, I encourage you not to abandon your gift.”

“It’s not a gift, it’s a curse.” Lily disagreed with her professor.

“Miss Evans, I assure you, you have not been my first student to have difficulty acclimating to the magical world, and unfortunately you will not be the last. It is difficult and scary at times, and while magic can prove a hindrance at times getting rid of magic will not suddenly fix your problems. Do you understand?”

“I do, professor,” Lily said, but truly she hadn’t understood. Lily saw no world in which her life could not be improved by abandoning her so called “talent”, because then at least her family would understand her.

She’d only spoken to McGonagall about her recent problem. While Professor McGonagall had been repeatedly adamant about Lily not following through or researching further, this sentiment had fallen on deaf ears.

Lily’s feverish research had managed to reach a new level of insanity. Lily had not been spotted without a large book on Ancient Magic for two weeks following the winter holiday. Her obsession caused the entire dormitory to be covered in notes she was taking purely for her own benefit. Lily had spoken on rare occasions to Marlene and Mary, though they were very preoccupied and the conversations mostly consisted of asking Lily to get all the parchment off of their shared floor.
Marlene was the first to notice something was really truly wrong. “Lily, you haven’t been sleeping.”

“I never sleep.” Lily mumbled, it was true, Lily got the least sleep of anyone she knew.

Marlene pressed her lips into a thin line, “You need to get out of this dorm.”

“I go to classes.”

“You need some sunshine.” Marlene insisted, noting that Lily had become even paler than usual, which Marlene had not thought possible. “It’ll be good for you, to get outside.”

“It’s freezing out there.” Lily winced at the thought. “I’ll get frost bite.”

“We’ve got charms for that, and coats.” Marlene shrugged. “Plus Remus is worried sick, hasn’t seen you.”

Lily felt guilty at that sentiment, Remus hadn’t done anything wrong, but she had been avoiding her friend, knowing he’d be the most likely to sense what was going on. She knew Remus too well, and he knew her just as well. He’d be able to give Lily one look and she would abandon everything.

“Marlene, I don’t want to do magic right now.” Lily pouted.

“What are you possibly on about?”

“Nothing Marlene. Just leave it.” Lily shook her head.

Marlene just raised an eyebrow, “Evans, if you don’t tell me what’s going on I’m dragging you to Pomfrey.”

Lily just sighed for a moment, contemplating her choices, knowing that Marlene would deliver on the threat. “I don’t want to be a witch anymore, I want someone to take it away. Wish I was a muggle.”

Marlene gawked at her, and then burst out laughing. “You’re tired Lily, working yourself too thin.”

Lily knew this wasn’t the case, but she nodded, anything to get Marlene to drop the issue for a while longer. But Lily’s attempts to avoid her problems stopped when Remus finally managed to get her alone after class.

“Lily, you’ve been avoiding me.” Remus pointed out, he wasn’t a fool, and Lily should have known that it wouldn’t be long before he noticed. “Did I do something?” Lily shook her head, not trusting her mouth. “Then why are you ignoring me?”

“It’s complicated, that’s all. I just need to think for a second.”

“Red?” Remus asked delicately, he caught her eye for just a second, “Are you okay?”

“You’ll just laugh.” Lily insisted, “It’s silly.”

“What is it?”

Lily shook her head, “I’m going to be a muggle.”

Remus stared at Lily as if she’d grown a second head. Then it dawned on him, he realized she was serious. “No. You can’t Lily, don’t be ridiculous.”

“My whole family is falling apart because of me Remus. I don’t have a choice.” Lily was adamant, she had thought about it for weeks now. Every single thing that had happened to Lily since she became a witch, was absolutely awful. Lily had spent her whole childhood longing to be extraordinary, and now all she wanted was to take back the years of wishing. Lily just wanted to be a normal kid, with no magic. But it was far too late for that, not that it would have mattered anyway.

Lily knew she had no choice, and as Remus lectured her on this, she broke down. Lily’s year of research, or trying to find out why she was special, practically unraveled in that moment. She knew then, as she cried on the second floor corridor in front of Remus Lupin, that there had not been a reason why she was born with magic. There was no logical reason or answer, and this was immensely difficult for Lily to grasp, as it meant she truly had never been special. She had just been extremely lucky, or extremely unlucky.

…

January 30th, it was once again Lily’s birthday. Remus gave Lily a box of chocolate, and quietly wished her a happy birthday during breakfast. “Remus!” Lily complained, “You shouldn’t have, I really don’t need anything.”

“I owed you anyway, never got you a Christmas gift.” Remus shrugged, “Happy thirteenth!”

“You’re too nice to me Remus.” Lily shook her head.

Remus laughed, “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t get you a birthday gift!”

“You knocker! You’re gonna stir up the rumors again.” Lily smiled.

“Hope so, give you something to do besides sulk.” Remus wore an evil smirk.

“I do not sulk.” Lily mumbled.

Remus rolled his eyes, “Of course, and I am a professional quidditch player.” He joked.

“You have to be nice to me today, it’s my birthday!” Lily reprimanded lightheartedly.

Remus just laughed at this, “Of course your Highness!”

Lily was perfectly content at breakfast, when just Remus knew and was keeping the whole ordeal rather under wraps. However, someone clearly told Mary and Marlene, who were making a huge fuss out of the day. Mary’s birthday fell during the winter holidays, and Marlene’s fell during the summer, so they were elated to find out Lily’s was on a school day.

Mary had made Lily a flower crown made entirely of lillies and insisted that Lily wear it all day. Marlene had told all the portraits it was Lily’s birthday so whenever Lily walked down the corridors she would be bombarded constantly by the portraits. Lily could hardly walk five feet without being shouted at or congratulated.

“Marlene! What did you do?” Lily groaned, she was just trying to get to class, but was entirely unable to without the cacophony of noise.

Marlene was nearly crying from laughter, “Didn’t think it’d keep going!”

“You’re awful!” Lily was blushing from embarrassment. Though Lily would admit that it was hysterical to watch Filch yell at the portraits to be quiet as he frantically ran up and down the corridor.

The most obnoxious display of love for Lily was by far James Potter, who seemed to take it as a challenge to embarrass Lily more than Marlene had. This display started during lunch when he had flown into the Great Hall on his broom and sprinkled confetti around Lily. This alone had earned James Potter three detentions with McGonagall, but apparently, he remained undeterred.

In the middle of dinner, James had managed to set off fireworks spelling out ‘Happy Birthday Lily!’ causing an absolute uproar in the great hall, and Lily turned bright red in a mix of anger and embarrassment. James Potter ended up with five more detentions from his second stunt that day.

“James! Why would you do that?” Lily had asked, absolutely confused, why he would want to embarrass her so.

James smiled wide, “Cause you deserve to feel special.”

Lily stared at him, more baffled than anything. “James, you hate me.”

James groaned, “I don’t hate you, Lily. I think you’re wonderful.”

“You’re quite strange,” Lily commented. “I don’t understand you.”

“I don’t understand you either, think that’s why I like you so much.”

Despite Potter’s absolutely horrific display, Lily would label the birthday as a massive success, and she would begrudgingly admit that she enjoyed being the main attraction for the day. In fact, it had been the best day she had since Christmas and had Lily once again rethinking her ties to the muggle world.

Chapter Text

Lily had not spoken to any of her family in weeks. Her parents both sent loads of owls but Lily could simply not get herself to respond. Lily was suddenly caught between two worlds, the wizarding world and the muggle world. It caused her to retreat into the wizarding world more than she ever had before. Lily had a sudden aversion to everything muggle-ish. Lily refused to read any of her muggle books, even though they had been her only sense of comfort earlier in the school year. She had given a fair amount of them to Regulus, who seemed to read faster than Lily had thought possible.

Lily sat in her dorm room, she was reading a book on extremely advanced charms and had been able to accomplish a few of them with mixed success. It was rare for Lily to be alone in her dormitory but it was becoming increasingly easy and more common. Marlene seemingly always had quidditch, and since Sirius and Mary began snogging the two were practically inseparable.

Lily was flipping through a book, hardly paying attention. Marlene came crashing into the room, she was soaking wet. “Lily, can you do the drying charm? No good at it apparently.” Lily didn’t even look up, she just waved her wand around and mumbled, and Marlene was suddenly dry. “Thanks, you’re a pal.”

“They made you practice in the rain?” Lily questioned.

“No, didn’t have practice today.” Marlene panted, she was clearly out of breath.

Lily shot up, “Who were you with then?”

Marlene rubbed the back of her neck, “Haven’t I told you?” Lily shook her head, “I’m um, sort of talking to someone.”

“Well spit it out! Who is it?” Lily urged.

“It’s a girl.” Marlene bit her lip and looked away, nervously. Marlene was clearly testing the waters, but Lily figured she knew where this was headed.

“So, are you just friends or are you interested in girls?” Lily asked cautiously, not quite sure.

“I think I like her, I think I really like her.” Marlene was clearly nervous, but Lily just shrugged.

“Okay, what’s her bloody name?”

“You don’t think I’m weird?” Marlene checked for assurance, Lily wished she could say that she was friends with a werewolf and so she could handle being friends with a homosexual, but she kept her mouth shut.

“You’re not weird, not for that anyway. But what’s her bloody name McKinnon?” Lily was getting impatient.

“Dorcas, Dorcas Meadowes.” Marlene smiled, she was blushing at just the thought of the girl, “I think I love her Lily.”

“Jesus, you and Mary are both lovesick.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“I’m not as bad as Mary!” Marlene protested, but Lily reckoned it was only a matter of time. “Mary’s delusional anyway.”

“Why?”

“Sirius is always drooling over Lupin.” Marlene teased. “He’s bloody obvious about it.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Sirius doesn’t like boys. He’s always snogging Mary.”

“Please, he looks at Remus the way James looks at you.” Marlene insisted.

Lily tsked, “Oh, with complete and utter loathing?”

Marlene just laughed, “James Potter is in love with you, whether you like it or not.” Marlene then added, “But Sirius Black snogs everyone, for the record. Caught him and a Ravenclaw last week behind the third floor tapestry.”

“Marlene! Have you told Mary?”

Marlene rolled her eyes, “Mary won’t care much, she kissed a muggle boy over break. She doesn’t even like Sirius all that much, they just like to show each other off.”

“This doesn’t make any sense to me.” Lily groaned, “They should just break up.”

“They will soon, reckon it’ll be before the end of the year.” Marlene was willing to put money on it. “Can’t wait to have Mary back to ourselves.”

“Do all girls become boy crazy?” Lily wondered, then looked at Marlene, “Or girl crazy in your case I guess.”

Marlene laughed, “Aw, is Evans scared?”

“I won’t be able to find a boy. Not one that likes me. What if I die alone Mars?”

“There’s always Potter.”

“Maybe dying alone won’t be so bad.” Lily mused. Lily couldn’t think of anyone she fancied, she had tried to fancy Severus, but she had been unable to do it. Lily was quite drawn to the idea of living with Remus, but had never wanted to snog him in the slightest. So Lily had decided to live alone, like that strange old neighbor with a house full of cats. It didn’t seem like a horrible life to live, and Lily imagined she’d be quite comfortable with it.

…

“I hate him!” Mary screamed, slamming the door to their dormitory. Mary had been fuming with rage for nearly a week straight.

“Dump him if you hate him so much!” Marlene said, not looking up from her homework. Mary recoiled, as if the idea were utterly unthinkable.

Lily struggled not to laugh, “What did he do now?”

“He cancelled on our date again!” Mary was becoming inconsolable over this, although their dates consisted of walking around the green in the freezing winter, and neither of them seemed to enjoy the dates very much.

Lily kept taking the bait, finding it amusing how annoyed Marlene was becoming, “Why did he cancel.”

“He’s pulling a prank with his stupid friends.”

Lily squinted, looking up from her knitting project, “What prank?”

Mary shrugged, “I don’t know, stormed off before he could babble about it.”

Lily knew that the pranks often meant detention for a week and Lily had a feeling this would cause trouble for the Slytherins, it almost always did. The marauders were almost single-handedly fighting a house versus house war, and the Slytherins oftentimes did not reciprocate the Gryffindors' pranks and attacks, it made Lily feel bad for them, like they were the victims. But every time Lily started to feel bad for them, Remus would remind her of the fifth years that attacked her when she was eleven. Lily knew it was a year ago now, but whenever she recalled the event she was flooded with house pride and rivalry.

…

Lily owed Marlene five sickles because Mary and Sirius broke up by the end of February and Lily was glad for it, as the theatrics of the break-up had been extreme to say the least. There were at least four screaming matches in the Great Hall, three sobbing episodes and storming out of the classroom, and they made all of the second years take sides. Marlene had nearly torn her hair out over all the theatrics. Marlene and James had become exceedingly close, as the two both avoided their best friends’ for the week-long period.

This left Lily to deal with Mary, and Remus to deal with Sirius.

“He’s awful Lily! Just awful!” Mary had been crying for nearly three hours in a row, and Lily felt awful for how many times she had ranted about James Potter, because if it was anything like this, then Lily had been insufferable.

“I know, how could he!” Lily responded, not having paid any attention for the past two hours. She had found the fight that broke them up to be rather stupid. It had been because Sirius had too many detentions so clearly it meant he didn’t care about spending time with Mary. Lily wasn’t quite sure to be honest, it seemed like they had been both looking for a reason to end things, and opted for the theatrical flare that both Mary and Sirius were already inclined to.

Mary continued to cry over it for days, and Lily did her absolute best to be sympathetic, but it was extremely difficult, and caused Lily to learn, that she was not a naturally empathetic person. Lily was completely unable to understand why Mary was upset, it made Lily feel extremely guilty. But Lily simply couldn’t understand caring so much about Sirius Black, in fact Lily felt Mary was rather foolish for getting in the relationship in the first place. Lily knew better than to say any of that though, so she simply hugged her friend and did her best to help her through it.

…

The weather was getting warmer, much to Lily’s appreciation. She often found herself reading and studying outside. Lily and Remus had both agreed to get a headstart on their revisions, they had decided a specific date and everything so they’d have a fair fight for the top spot in History of Magic.

Lily was absolutely obsessed with being the top of her class in Potions, Charms, and History. Lily was certain she’d have Charms with no problem, she’d always excelled in Charms, she was the only student to ace the practicals and the essays, as her main competition in that class, James Potter, had not done well on the written exams. Potions was a constant battle between Severus and Lily. Lily’s papers were better, more eloquently written, but Severus was better at making Potions, but he didn’t always follow the instructions. It perplexed Lily, whenever she and Severus were split up Severus would go off the rails, adding and subtracting things from the potion recipes, and they would be done better and faster. It made Lily furious, and she had begged Severus to reveal his secrets, but he was unable to put in words. This ignited a friendly academic rivalry between Severus and Lily in potions. History of Magic, Lily had always been neck and neck with Remus, but this year neither of them had missed a single point all year, meaning the winner would come down to the results of the final.

“You’ll take Defense!” Lily groaned, “I’m going mental, I swear.”

Remus shrugged, “Snivellus-”

“Severus” Lily corrected.

“Fine, Snape is giving me a hard time with Defense, he might take it this year.”

“Doubt it.” Lily answered, “He cheats in duels, keeps losing points for it.” Remus tried to hide the smile at this news, but Lily noticed it and her eyes went wide, “You never got him back for that stunt.” Remus bit his lip and shrugged. “Remus Lupin! What are you planning?”

“Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies Red!” He smirked.

Lily scowled at him, “Remus, don’t do anything stupid.”

“I’m not the stupid one of my lot. Any stupidity will be from the other three.” He raised his hands in feigned innocence.

Lily shook her head, “You’re not stupid, but it seems that when you put the four of you boys in one room, nothing good ever comes of it.”

“Unfortunately, I am not sure I can deny that one.” The mischievous glint in his eye was enough to alert Lily that Remus was indeed planning to do something utterly stupid.

Chapter Text

Exams had finished by the time that it happened. It was exceedingly obvious, and Lily couldn’t help but think that had been the intention. Right in the middle of the Great Hall Lily watched her best friend suddenly become covered in boils. She instantly knew who was behind it since James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter could not keep themselves from laughing. Lily got up from the table to go and accompany Severus to Madam Pomfrey’s medical ward.

“Severus, are you okay?” Lily asked, trailing a few paces behind him. Severus scowled, or rather did as best an impression of a scowl as he could, considering his current predicament. “You don’t have to answer.” Lily sighed, realizing that he likely couldn’t talk. Severus walked faster in response, “You’re mad.” Mad was putting it very lightly, Severus was clearly fuming in anger. Lily tried to comfort her friend, but Severus wouldn’t let her touch him. Everything Lily said seemed to make him angry.

Lily sat quietly beside Severus as Madam Pomfrey fixed him up. It took roughly half an hour for his skin to return to normal, but his mood was still sour, and his pride was eternally wounded. Lily didn’t say a word, she waited for Severus to make the first move.

“You don’t have to pity me.” Severus grumbled.

Lily just raised an eyebrow, “I don’t pity you, Sev.”

“I can see it in your eyes.” It was a peculiar statement coming from Severus, mostly because he had done his absolute best to avoid looking in Lily’s eyes. “You feel sorry for me, you have since the Winter Holiday. I don’t want your sympathy.”

“Would it help if I lectured you and told you to stop being sorry for yourself? Would you prefer me to be rather annoying?” Lily asked, she was offended, all she had done was try to help.

Severus bit his lip, “You helped them with it, didn’t you?”

“I would never!”

“It’s fine Lily. I don’t blame you, you were clearly tricked.” He shrugged, the same solemn look on his face, “You’re the only one good enough at potions to brew it.”

Lily suddenly recalled the barrage of potions questions that Remus had asked the previous week. She hadn’t thought anything of it at the time, but she now felt foolish and used. More than anything Lily felt naive, and she wasn’t sure whether she could ever admit that to Severus, he already thought of her that way. Lily suppressed her morality for a moment to say, “I haven’t helped with any potions. Not unless you think Mary or Marlene are behind it.”

Severus responded with a breathy laugh, devoid of all humor. “You don’t have to lie about it.”

“Don’t I?” Lily questioned, correcting all her lies in the process.

Lily and Severus looked at each other in silence. Their eyes peered into each other, and what could never be expressed in words passed effortlessly between the two. Neither child allowed themselves to break. Lily’s eyes softened as Severus grew harsher. Lily felt her chest grow tighter under his gaze and she wondered for a brief moment if he had managed wordless magic and if he would use it to kill her. Lily regretted thinking it as soon as she thought it, especially since she was forced to wonder if Severus could read her mind as she watched his whole body relax. Lily reached out her hand, extending it to Severus, he broke eye contact only for a moment, glancing at Lily’s peace offering. Severus just shook his head, refusing to accept it. Lily slowly dropped her hand, turned on her heels, and walked out of the medical ward without a glance back toward Severus.

…

The last days of the school year Lily found herself rather lonely. She didn’t talk to Remus, she was furious at him, though he was clearly oblivious as to why. Lily only spoke to Mary and Marlene, though neither of them ever liked Severus and could hardly fathom Lily’s disappointment at her current friendships.

Lily found solace in an unexpected place, Regulus Black. Lily wasn’t quite sure what caused their paths to cross once more, but it seemed they did when they were both roaming the halls alone.

“Lily!” The boy cheered, it melted Lily’s heart, “I haven’t seen you. How were exams?” Regulus seemed a fair bit more confident than he had been, and definitely more eager. Lily enjoyed his sudden excitableness and took it as a good sign.

“Exams went marvelously.” Lily beamed back, doing her best to match his energy, “How were yours?”

“I’m suited to be top of my classes.” He beamed.

“Great job! I’m proud of you.” Lily’s voice was sweet as she was honest with Regulus, she had grown quite fond of the first year.

The phrase was clearly foreign to Regulus. His brow furrowed in concentration for a moment as he tried to decipher his feelings on the phrase. Ultimately he smiled for a moment, but just a moment. The smile seemed unfamiliar on his face, but not painful like Remus’ rather it appeared as though Regulus Black had never been given a reason to smile, instead Regulus often looked, to Lily, much like a kicked puppy.

Lily could not fight the urge to ruffle his hair she found him utterly adorable. Regulus tried to hide the small smile that formed from Lily’s act of affection. “Hey! I spend a lot of time doing that.” He mumbled with a pout.

Lily giggled softly, “You look cute with your hair all messy. You’re so proper all the time Regulus.”

Regulus Black blinked at Lily for a few moments, as if he was unable to process her words. His large grey eyes were transfixed on her green ones. He shook his head, as if clearing a fog and instantly went to smooth his curly hair back down. “I have to be proper, I’m a Black.” He scowled, as if the reminder of who he was scorned him in that moment.

“Sirius is never proper.” Lily mused, in a poor attempt to lighten the mood.

Regulus pressed his lips into a thin line, “Sirius has luxuries that are not afforded to all of us.” The response was automatic, as if it had been engrained in his skin.
Lily was confused, she studied Regulus for a second, deciding to approach with caution as one might approach a dangerous animal. “Regulus, do you want to talk about it?”

A sharp inhale of breath, for a second Lily swore she saw a tear forming in Regulus’ eyes, but as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. “No, I’d rather not speak of it.”
Lily sat down on the floor of the corridor and patted the spot besides her. Lily’s legs were crossed, arms folded in her lap. Regulus reluctantly sat down, his legs neatly tucked under him, ever proper. “Do you need help?” Lily asked, there was no verbal response from Regulus.

Regulus scanned the corridor with his eyes, once he had determined them to be thoroughly alone he intertwined his fingers with Lily’s. Lily could hear his breath beginning to even out. Regulus’ breath became deeper, more natural, as if he had never breathed enough air to reach his lungs.

Lily and Regulus didn’t speak much, they didn’t need words to communicate, in fact they found words often hindered their ability to communicate at times. So Lily and Regulus spent the last week of school silently hiding in corners and holding each other’s hands in comforting notions. They’d pass books back and forth, sometimes playing with each other’s hair, but they never spoke, at least not about their problems. Lily didn’t understand her relationship with Regulus, she had never been good about understanding her own feelings, but she was extremely grateful for him. Regulus felt steady, and he gave Lily a purpose when she couldn’t find one.

…

Lily had never been so relieved to leave school. On the other hand however, Lily had never been so nervous to return to her home.

The train ride home from Hogwarts was possibly the most comfort Lily had felt during the past week, at least for a while. It was just Lily, Mary, and Marlene. “You coming again to mine this year?” Marlene asked, and Lily shrugged. “Come on Evans!” Marlene begged.

“My parents said I could go this year if it would stop my whining!” Mary cheered.

“I probably can. But I’m mad at Remus, and Potter. Don’t know that I want to spend time with them Marlene.” Lily gazed at the floor guiltily.

Marlene rolled her eyes, “You’re always mad at Potter.”

“Well now I’m mad at Remus too!” Lily pouted.

“Over the prank on Snivellus still?” Mary asked, clear in her stance that Lily should get over the whole thing.

Lily huffed, “That’s not his name!”

“Sorry, fine. Severus.” Mary corrected herself, though reluctantly.

Lily bit her lip indignantly, “It was rude of him. Severus is my best friend.”

“No he’s not!” Marlene shouted, Marlene did not frequently raise her voice, certainly not in anger, so it took the other girls by surprise. “If he was your friend he’d understand you had nothing to do with it.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Lily whispered.

“We need to talk about it Lily, consider this an intervention.” Marlene was harsh, “You don’t owe Snape anything.”

Lily took in Marlene’s words, but she couldn’t make herself believe them. She owed everything to Severus. Severus was there for her when no one else was, when Petunia turned her back on Lily, Severus was there. When Lily felt like an utter freak, Severus was there to prove her wrong. Severus had always been there, so it didn’t matter to Lily what he did right now, cause she knew Severus, she knew his heart. Lily only wished everyone else could see the Severus she knew, he was like a brother to her.

“It’s not that simple Mars.” Lily mumbled, it was all she could manage to say, at least without sounding like an utter lunatic.

“Fine.” Marlene dropped it, “But you should still come to my place, just for a little while. I promise I’ll keep Remus away.”

Lily nodded in agreement, she didn’t want to speak about it. Even worse, she didn’t want to keep Remus away, but she felt unable to talk to her friend without betraying Severus. Lily didn’t say any of this though, she lacked the ability to explain her feelings. She envied Mary, Mary always had the words and means to express her feelings, even if it verged on dramatics.

Lily was not granted much time to sulk, because Mary did what she did best, and immediately tried to tease and annoy Lily. Mary’s all-time favorite joke had begun to make a comeback ever since Lily attended the Slug club meetings, and Mary absolutely loved calling Lily “Mrs. Slughorn”. More specifically, Mary loved to tease Lily with the nickname until Lily turned a bright shade of pink, and Marlene was rolling on the ground in laughter. This result never took long, as Lily was easy to embarrass and Marlene found the joke endlessly amusing.

“I do not fancy Professor Slughorn!” Lily whined, trying to hide her blush behind her book.

“Yes you do!” Mary teased, “It’s why you’re obsessed with potions!”

“Then Marlene must fancy Madam Hooch at that rate.” Lily tried to deflect but, it was to no avail.

Marlene quickly responded with, “I could do a lot worse than Madam Hooch, least she’s not Slughorn!”

Mary and Marlene were laughing so loud Lily feared the whole train would hear, but Lily had certainly stopped sulking over Remus, now she was sulking over her alleged Slughorn crush. “You two are impossible!”

There was a knock on the carriage door, Remus opened it, James right beside him. “Lily, can we talk to you?” Remus asked, he was serious, not a trace of humor in his tone. Lily nodded, and followed the two to an empty compartment. James shut the door behind them. “You’re mad at me.” Remus said plainly.

Lily didn’t respond, just looked at James Potter, “What is he doing here?” She didn’t bother addressing the question to James despite the fact that she was staring into his eyes.

“He insisted he come, keep the peace.” Remus was quiet, “I don’t understand why you won’t speak to me Lily?”

“Are you so threatened by me that you think you need back-up to have a conversation?” Lily’s eyes did not drift from James, it was as if she would be cursed if she looked away.

Remus stuttered, “No, it’s for your protection actually.”

“He knows then?” Lily clarified.

“I do.” James spoke, causing Lily to break their gaze.

Lily sighed, “You wouldn’t hurt me Remus. I’m not scared.”

“I am.” James answered, “Remus is too, he’s different when he’s mad. Things happen sometimes, we’re not risking it.”

Lily was irrationally angry at James’ statement. James clearly believed Lily couldn’t handle herself, or that she didn’t understand the full scope of the problem, but Lily had known longer than James had. Lily was no more scared of Remus Lupin than she had been, angry or not. “You think you’re going to hurt me?” Lily asked Remus.

“No. But I don’t want to risk it Lily.” Remus seemed timid, almost small. Lily couldn’t determine whether he was suppressing something, or whether this was the effect James had on him. Either way, Lily didn’t like it and would much prefer a screaming match or even a duel to the awkward conversation with a looming guard. “It’s because of Snape, isn’t it?”

“Of course it is.” It was simple, everything about it was exceedingly simple on the surface and exceedingly complicated at the same time. “I don’t want to be mad at you, but I am. You didn’t have to do that.”

“It was warranted!” James argued, gaining sharp looks from both Remus and Lily.

“I shouldn’t have involved you.” Remus admitted, “I’m sorry. I tricked you, it was right nasty of me.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. Not to me. I can’t be friends with you and Severus and not get involved in your stupid war.” Lily looked towards her feet, “I want to be your friend, I really like you Remus. But I can’t let people torture Severus, even if he deserves it.”

“But you’ll let him torture me?” Remus’ jaw tightened.

Lily shook her head, “I never said that. I lecture him all the time, but he’s stubborn, not much I can do.” Lily sighed heavily, “I just, I can’t pick sides. I feel like everyone wants me to pick a side, and I can’t.” Lily finally looked up to Remus, tears brimming in her eyes, she turned her head away, not wanting James to see her moment of weakness. “I’m sorry Remus, I’ve been awful to you.”

“Okay. It’s okay, Red.” Remus answered, giving Lily a hug, trying to soothe her. The nickname calmed her more than anything else, and she was strangely comforted by the gesture, especially since she knew that Remus was no better than she was when dealing with other people’s emotions.

Lily knew in her heart she didn’t deserve it, she felt as though she had betrayed Remus, and in wanting to be friends with him, she had managed to betray Severus too. Lily labeled herself as an awful friend to everyone at that moment.

“You don’t have to choose. I’ll forgive you, if you forgive me.” Remus offered, holding out his hand like it was a business deal. Lily shook his hand, accepting it. She was glad to have Remus back, relieved to not have to worry about him all Summer.

“You promise you’ll write?” Lily asked.

“Promise.” They wrapped their pinkies around each other.

It was strange, Severus had been there for her for years, but now she realized she needed Remus more. The realization sat like a pit in her stomach as the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders.

Chapter Text

Severus would not speak to Lily it was driving her up the wall with madness, but she refused to stay in her house for long either, so Lily sat alone. She quietly read book after book under the tree where she usually met Severus. Lily kept hoping Severus would show up, but he didn’t.

Lily did her best to avoid Petunia at all costs. Her attempts were mostly successful, but despite Lily’s best attempts she saw Petunia sneaking her boyfriend into the house on multiple occasions. Lily hated Vernon, he was absolutely insufferable and cruel. Lily had no idea what Petunia saw in Vernon, and frankly she thought her sister could do much better. Lily’s parents had insisted on having Vernon over for dinner. This was maybe the worst thing to ever happen to Lily.

“Lily, Petunia is sixteen, she’s allowed to have a boyfriend.” Her mother kept saying, but it did very little to stop Lily from sulking over the matter.

“Vernon is awful.” Lily kept mumbling, “Keeps calling me carrot top.”

Mrs. Evans laughed lightly, “Well you are a bit of a carrot top kiddo.”

“Mum!” Lily whined.

“It’s one dinner, you can be civil to your sister and her boyfriend for one dinner.” Mrs. Evans was far too kind, and Lily figured she was even beyond that if she was willing to subject herself to Vernon for an entire dinner.

It was a simple dinner. Petunia was far more civil than Lily had ever seen her sister at family dinner. Lily also noticed Petunia’s bright red lipstick and blue eyeshadow. Mr. Evans shot Lily a warning look before Lily could even comment on Petunia’s new look. Lily huffed in annoyance. Of course, Lily seemed entirely petulant to the whole family as Vernon was a perfect gentleman at dinner, and Petunia was nicer than she had ever been in her life. If Lily were allowed magic outside of school she would have jinxed Vernon, but Vernon wasn’t even allowed to know about magic, much less be the victim of it. Lily knew that the lack of magical explanation must make her seem far more strange than she truly was, afterall, outside of magical potions it was very difficult to explain Lily’s collection of dead bugs.

Lily left dinner the second she could but as she left she overheard Vernon ask, “Will she go back to the insane asylum?”

Lily instantly saw red, she was more angry than she had ever been at Petunia. She quickly snuck upstairs and grabbed her wand, she poised herself between the stair banister and aimed a pimple jinx towards Petunia, she instantly screamed as she found herself covered in pus filled boils. Lily smiled as she saw her sister begin to freak out, then casted a less noticeable tripping jinx on Vernon causing him to fall.

Lily’s mother was already bounding up the steps towards her. Lily was grabbed by the collar of her shirt, “Lily, you fix your sister right now.” Mrs. Evans gritted out.

“I can’t!” Lily smiled proudly.

“What do you mean you can’t?” Mrs. Evans was sharp and Lily knew she’d be grounded for weeks.

“Cure is a potion, not a spell.” Lily shrugged, “They’re normal pimples though, you can just wait it out.”

Her mother tried to steady her breathing and not yell at her daughter, “Lily Jean, you give me that wand right now. Go to your room and don’t come out.”

Lily did as she was told. Lily was not the least bit sorry for her actions, she was in fact rather proud of herself. It took over half an hour before anyone came into Lily’s room, and it wasn’t her mother like she was expecting, instead it was Petunia.

“Truce, I call a truce.” Petunia stood in the doorframe with her arms crossed.

“A truce?” Lily questioned.

Petunia shut the door and stood in front of her sister, face still covered in pimples. It took all of Lily’s strength not to smile smugly. “I’ve been cruel. I know. But this, in front of my boyfriend is far worse than anything I’ve ever done.” Petunia scowled. “You win, Lily. Is that what you want?”

“No, that’s not what I want.” Lily mumbled. “I want my sister back, Petunia.”

Petunia looked around the room for a second, “What? I’ve been here the whole time.”

“You changed, you’re mean. I don’t like the things you call me.” Lily was near tears as she confessed.

Petunia sat on Lily’s bed beside her. “Okay, so maybe the boils were deserved.” Petunia nodded, “I’ll do better, it’s hard here without you Lily.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, mum and dad don’t shut up about you, how great you are at everything. It’s bloody annoying. You know I used to be the perfect one, now I’m the moody fuck-up and you’re special and perfect. It’s awful Lily.”

“I’m a freak.” Lily mumbled.

Petunia slapped Lily’s arm, “Hey! You can’t say that. No one can say that but me, I’m the only one allowed to call you a freak. You’re my awful little freak of a sister. Alright?”

“Alright.” Lily agreed, “Sorry, about the boils.”

“Sorry for being a snobby git to you.” Petunia sighed, “Now, if you don’t fix my face I’ll make sure you’re grounded all summer.”

“I think the boils are an improvement.” Lily laughed, and was instantly tackled by Petunia.

“Take that back!”

“No!” The girls rolled around on the floor wrestling until they broke out in a fit of laughter.

Lily pulled out a small vial from a box under her bed, “Here, this should be the cure.”

“You had it this whole time? Thought it would take you a week to brew or something.” Petunia mused, “You’ve been plotting this haven’t you?”

Lily nodded meekly, “Felt like fair payback.”

“You’re awful!” Petunia screeched.

“You’re worse!”

“Little freak.”

“Snobbish arse!” Lily yelled, and for the first time in over a year, the Evans sisters once again got along. Or at least, got along as best as they could.

…

In the efforts of the Evans sisters to get along, there were many many snags. One fight they had was over the fact that Petunia repeatedly insisted that Lily needed a makeover. Apparently this makeover consisted of Petunia cutting Lily’s hair, or more specifically cutting bangs. This fight may have been somehow bigger than the fight over Christmas.

“What did you do to my hair?” Lily shrieked as Petunia held up the mirror.

“It’s cute! You look so cute with bangs.” Petunia insisted.

Lily gawked at her reflection, touching the super short pieces of hair that covered her forehead. “I said you could do a trim!”

“I took creative liberty!”

Lily grabbed the scissors from Petunia, “My friends are going to make fun of me all year!”

“No they won’t, you look good.” Petunia was far too confident in her hair dressing skills. She was suddenly far less confident when Lily began to chase her around the house threatening to cut Petunia’s hair.

…

Mrs. Evans had gone for a short trip to the store. Lily and Petunia were curled up on the couch watching a movie when their phone rang. Neither of the girls paid any notice to the phone, their father answered. Then they heard sobbing, from their father in the kitchen.

Lily flicked off the television. The girls stared at each other for a second, something was clearly wrong. Their father never cried, certainly not like he was right now. Lily and Petunia carefully made their way to the kitchen. He managed to pull himself together ever so slightly, just long enough to mutter out a strained sentence, “Your mother is dead.”

Petunia instantly started crying, crumbling to the floor. Lily just stood there, blinking in confusion, not feeling a thing. She swore there was a ringing in her ears. Lily tried to cry or to feel something substantial, something she could put a name to. Lily didn’t feel anything, just an emptiness, just confusion.

Lily wasn’t sure how to react, she had never been close to someone who was dead before. What was one supposed to do when their mother died? Lily thought she should cry, but she could not. Lily found the whole thing rather peculiar, and details only made her mother’s death seem pitiful to Lily. There had been an accident, Mrs. Evans was hit by a car, and that was that. There were ghosts at Hogwarts and Lily wondered if her mother was floating around a parking lot somewhere. Every detail Lily learned made her feel a stab of pain and guilt. The only thing that she could think to soothe her was her mother. Lily tried with all her might to ignore the pain, addressing it hurt more. Lily didn’t pay any attention to the death of her mother, she refused to utter her name, she wouldn’t speak a word about it. People offered her sympathies and Lily responded as though she had no idea what they were referring to.

It took Lily days to tell any of her friends. The only one who knew was Severus, whose mother had heard from the neighbors. To everyone else, Lily was completely fine and nothing had happened. It was agony to try and explain it over the phone. Lily wished she could cling to Remus or Marlene, but she couldn’t, instead it was phone calls filled with quiet tears, awkward silences, and unhelpful apologies.

The Evans hardly spoke to each other leading up to the funeral. Their father had developed a tendency to hug the girls wordlessly, and Lily clung to her father like she was scared to let go. Petunia would often squeeze Lily’s hand or shoulder, in an attempt to be comforting, but the entire house retreated into themselves.

Vernon began visiting so often that he practically lived in the house. It was clear Petunia needed him there, so Lily didn’t dare say a word about it. Similarly, Severus came to the house nearly everyday. Severus was endlessly confused by Lily’s nonchalance about the whole ordeal, she was acting scarily nervous considering how recent the passing of her mother had been, but he didn’t push, in fact he was extremely careful when talking to Lily, he was scared to break her.

The funeral took place in the church. The same church that the Evans went to every Christmas. The one where Lily had done her confirmation and baptism when she was nine. The church seemed to come alive with the spirit of her mother and Lily hated it. Her mother always loved church, now Lily felt like the whole place was taunting her with memories. As if the funeral was some cruel ironic twist, that the same place she had been so joyful, would be the place she was put to rest.

The sign outside the venue read ‘Elizabeth Evans, 1927-1973’ and the Evans all stood beside it greeting the mourners. Lily stoof neatly tucked between Petunia and her father as people came to pay their respects. Lily didn’t know any of them. It was like peering into her mother’s life only to realise that Lily hadn’t known a thing about her mother, and now Lily realised she never would.

The funeral was a closed casket, apparently, the incident had left her deformed. Mr. Evans wouldn’t let Lily look at her mother, despite the pleas. Lily felt that saying goodbye to a casket wasn’t the same, it couldn’t possibly be her mother in there, Lily couldn’t fathom that. Lily stared at the wood casket, she couldn’t breathe. Lily could feel her chest tighten and she couldn’t find a way to breathe. She could not make herself cry either. Lily still had yet to cry since the death of her mother. Everything began swirling through her head at once as she began to rapidly process the death of her mother, as she began to realise that she was not dreaming and that all of this was very real.

Lily ran to the restroom, and instantly began vomiting into the toilet. She felt so sick, she wished it was an illness but she knew it was the sudden shock of it all. Someone was holding her hair back, and Lily didn’t have to look to know it was Petunia. “Oh, Lily.” Petunia sighed, pain straining her voice.

“It didn’t feel real before.” Lily murmured, the tears were starting to pour. Lily didn’t want to cry right now, she did not want to face the crowd of strangers and have everyone look at poor Elizabeth Evan’s daughter. Lily cried right there instead, on the cold tile of the church bathroom. Petunia held Lily as she cried, she had never been more thankful for her sister than in that moment when Petunia was keeping her grounded.

Lily wasn’t sure how long she was crying on that bathroom floor, but Petunia stayed the whole time, crying alongside her. By the time they were done their father sat outside waiting, the sun had set. They went home, to their small, empty, little yellow house.

Chapter Text

“Are you sure you want to go?” Lily’s father asked for the tenth time that day. Lily had packed nearly a week ago, and was quite eager to get out of the house.

“I’m sure. I want to see my friends. I promise I’ll write. Remus has a phone, I’ll call too.” Lily swore. She wanted to see her friends more than anything. She was absolutely sick of receiving sympathy letters from everyone, and was ready to hear things other than ‘I’m sorry for you loss’.

“Okay, be safe. Call me as soon as you get there.” Her father gave a light kiss to her head.

“Petunia, I’m leaving!” Lily yelled.

Petunia ran down the stairs and gave Lily a tight hug, “You’ll be okay at school?” Petunia asked, Lily nodded, “No, you have to promise that you’ll be okay at school.”

“I promise.” Lily looked into her sister’s eyes and they hugged once more, “Don’t get pregnant!” Lily yelled at Petunia with manic laughter at her shocked expression before rushing out the door.

…

“Lily Evans!” Mrs. McKinnon smiled brightly upon seeing the redhead.

“Hello Mrs. McKinnon.” Lily looked to the ground, preparing herself for what was coming.

“I’m so sorry to hear about your mother dear. If there is anything we can do to help, please do not hesitate to ask, alright?”

Lily smiled, and used her usual, very rehearsed answer, “Thank you so much ma’am, that’s very kind of you.” Lily would not ask, even if she needed help very much, she would never dare ask.

“Lils!” Marlene wasted no time in pulling Lily into a tight hug. “Doing alright?”

Lily nodded tightly, “Good as I can be. Don’t like to talk about it.”

“Gotcha, then we won’t talk about it!” Marlene smiled, “Remus has been itching to see you, he keeps challenging me to duels! Mrs. Potter has to fix me up almost every time, bloody embarrassing.” Lily was glad at how fast Marlene was able to change the subject, how quickly she could act like nothing was wrong.

Lily had barely put her stuff in Marlene’s room when there was a pounding on the door. “I’ll hex you again Marlene! Let me in!” It was unmistakably Remus. Marlene swung the door open and Remus tripped over himself as he tried to rush in. “Missed you Red! McKinnon is bollocks at dueling, I need a proper partner.”

“I’m better than James!” Marlene defended. “At least I know counterspells.”

“That’s true, James only knows jinxes. His mom banned him from dueling after our third go.” Remus laughed.

“I’m rusty, not allowed magic at home, muggle and all that.” Lily smiled awkwardly, though she had practiced in secret. Petunia could attest, as she often heard objects crashing into the wall late at night. “When is Mary getting here?”

“Mary will be here in a few hours, mum is apparating her.” Marlene was giddy, “It’s awful having no girls around, Remus is not nearly as good of a gossip.”

“Hey! I keep my secrets!” Remus defended.

“That’s why you’re an awful gossip.” Marlene stuck her tongue out and Lily laughed. “Pete is a brilliant gossip though! You’ve got to ask him about the Black family, he attended one of their dinner parties, and it was a wreck!”

“Marlene, don’t get yourself in trouble now.” Lily chastised.

Marlene rolled her eyes, “Sirius will be telling everyone the second he steps on that train anyway.”

“Is Regulus alright?” Lily couldn’t resist asking. She hadn’t thought about him most of the summer, and she felt awful about it.

Marlene quirked an eyebrow and turned towards Remus, “Reckon he’s fine. Sirius is the one in trouble, right Remus?”

“Yeah, think so.” Remus mumbled.

“Good.” Lily nodded, she worried about him, Lily didn’t trust the Black family, she didn’t want anyone hurt.

“Forgot about Lily’s army of Slytherins.” Remus chuckled.

“It’s not an army.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“Regulus is like their leader though!” Marlene pointed out, “So you’ve got Snape and Black wrapped around your finger, the rest will follow.”

“Well you’ve got Dorcas!” Lily laughed and Marlene blushed a bright scarlet at the mention of the girl.

“Dorcas has me wrapped around her finger.” Marlene mumbled, before glancing to Remus who was awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

“Fancy anyone Remus?” Lily asked, Remus was suddenly blushing at the question.

Remus stuttered for a second, unable to form the right words, “No, I don’t.”

“Don’t seem so sure of that, Remus.” Marlene teased.

“Marlene.” He nearly growled, and it was clear that Marlene knew something Lily didn’t, this hadn’t happened before with Remus. Lily didn’t like feeling like an outsider.

Lily furrowed her eyebrows, “Do you like me?”

Remus practically choked, “No! You’re spoken for.”

“Bloody Potter.” Lily muttered. “I’m not going to date Potter.”

“Good luck telling him that.” Remus laughed.

Lily wasn’t listening to Remus and Marlene bicker, she was trying to find out who Remus could possibly have a crush on. “You like Mary?”

“No, Red. Told you, don’t fancy anyone like that.”

“You totally do.” Lily pointed out, she was not easily fooled and even less easily deterred. Lily tried to think of who would have to be a secret. “You fancy Severus?” Lily said in complete shock of her own conclusion.

“Bloody hell! No! Never!” Remus shouted and Marlene was rolling on the floor with laughter.

“What’s wrong with Severus?” Lily asked, offended on his behalf.

Marlene could barely speak during her fit of laughter, “You know what’s wrong with Severus!”

“It’s a bloke Lily! I like boys, that’s all.” Remus relented, with a sigh of relief.

“Okay, who is it?” Lily pressed.

“You don’t mind?” Remus furrowed his brow. “Don’t care that I’m gay?”

Lily groaned, “Remus, that is quite frankly one of the least interesting things about you.”

“Lily! I’m being serious.” Remus huffed.

“No Remus, I do not care that you don’t want to snog me.” Lily teased, “You can kiss all the blokes you want, but you have to tell me who.”

“He won’t budge Lily, it’s hopeless.” Marlene called, “All I know is he’s gay, bloody idiot clocked me.”

“I found her kissing Dorcas when she visited.” Remus corrected.

“Traitor!” Marlene chucked her pillow at Remus who stopped it midair with his wand. “No fun either.” Marlene mumbled.

Lily was distracted by the friendship bracelet on her wrist suddenly glowing. Lily often forgot about it, but Mary always seemed to be tapping hers and trying to communicate. “Mary’s here.” Lily said, holding up her wrist.

They all rushed downstairs, only to find Mary puking in the bushes. “She did not take to apparating very well. Give her a moment.” Mrs. McKinnon said calmly.

“Way to make an entrance Macdonald!” Marlene laughed.

“Bugger off McKinnon!” Mary husked as she wiped drool from her chin. “I’ve been on a magic purge for two bloody months. Shock to the system.”

Lily looked at Mary for a moment and could see how much she had grown, she now surpassed Lily in height, and Lily was exceedingly jealous at the fact that Mary had begun developing breasts. Lily tried not to stare at them, but she was more intrigued than she should admit. Lily looked down at her own chest, she knew she had to change bra sizes over the past couple months, but she hadn’t realised all the physical changes that had occurred to her this summer.

Mary wrapped Lily in a tight hug, “Lily, are you doing alright, love?” Mary asked delicately, as if Lily was an actual flower.

“Thank Mary, I’m fine.” Lily smiled.

“Good, love the new hair.” Mary beamed. Lily subconsciously went to touch her bangs and fix her short bob. The short hair was still strange to Lily, but she tried to embrace it.

Mary went to hug Marlene and then gave Remus an awkward high-five. “What do you even do here?” Mary asked as she looked around the small town. There were nothing but mismatched houses as far as the eye could see.

“City girl.” Marlene chided, “We just hang out, Remus lives about a block out. Potters are in the big house with the quidditch hoops, Pete is in the red house down the hill. Prewetts are two doors down. There’s some old people scattered about, lots of ministry workers.”

“No more young people?”

“Few tots and I think the Rosier family lives around here. They got twins a year under, but they’re a strange lot.” Marlene shrugged.

“No wonder you’re so close with Potter, most interesting thing around here.” Mary teased.

“We’re headed there for dinner. They insisted on having everyone.” Remus responded eliciting an immediate groan from Lily. “You can’t possibly still hate him.”

“I do.” Lily whined, “He’s the worst.”

“He’s in love with you.” Marlene pestered, “He’s talked about you all summer. Written you at least 8 poems he didn’t send.”

“Marlene! You said you wouldn’t tell her.” Remus criticized in a whisper.

“If James truly believed I wouldn’t tell Lily about them, then he’s a bigger idiot than I thought.” Marlene laughed.

…

Dinner at the Potters was a far more extravagant affair than Lily had expected. It consisted of all the Lupins, all the Pettigrews, all of the McKinnons, a few ministry employees, Sirius and Regulus Black, as well as Mary and Lily.

James had managed to make a beeline for Lily. “Evans! You came!” He beamed.

James had grown quite a bit taller, over the summer, and he had cut his hair slightly shorter in a poor attempt to tame it. But regardless of any attempt to calm his wild curls, James’ hair always looked like he just got off a broom. Lily looked at James’ suit and felt extremely underdressed in her pale green sundress. Lily had thought it was a simple dinner and not a lavish dinner party. She was instantly embarrassed. “Hello James.”

“I’ve graduated to my first name? You must be in a good mood.” James teased her and Lily rolled her eyes.

“There’s too many Potter’s in the room, it would get confusing. You're still my arch enemy.”

“Ouch. Mean as ever.” James winked, before stuttering a moment and awkwardly adding “Heard you had a bit of a rotten summer, my condolences.”

“Thank you.” Lily wasn’t sure what to make of the comment, it had been by far the most casual address of her mother’s death. Lily wasn’t sure whether she was grateful for it, or if she despised it. “I heard you write poetry now.” Lily smiled, knowing what she was doing.

James turned pale as a ghost and his eyes went wide in recognition. “Marlene!” He yelled before running to chase her down. Lily was laughing at the dramatic chase between James and Marlene, jinxes were already flying and both the McKinnons and Potters were yelling at them to knock it off.

“They’re idiots.” A rather sharp voice spoke beside Lily, also taking in the dramatic chase. Lily turned to meet Regulus’ face, it was set in a scowl, dark bags under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept all summer.

“Hi Regulus.”

“Hello Lily.” Regulus answered, his hand reaching for hers and calmly intertwining their fingers. It had become second nature to hold each other's hands, they both enjoyed the sensation.

“I didn’t realize your family got along with the Potters.” Lily commented.

Regulus shook his head, “We don’t. Sirius lied, said we’d be at the Pettigrews. He dragged me along with some stupid idea of us presenting a united front. My parents align with the Pettigrews, but would do anything to avoid a Pettigrew party, we despise the Potters though.” Regulus explained delicately.

“We?” Lily questioned.

Regulus sighed, “Well, obviously not Sirius. But James hexed my friend last year, still mad.”

“Which friend?”

“Evan Rosier, got into a row with his sister and James got in the middle of it.” Regulus sneered at the memory.

“Typical only child.” Lily chuckled.

Regulus raised an eyebrow, “Your sister goes to Hogwarts, right?”

“No, she’s not magical. Thinks a wand is a stick,” Lily chuckled light-heartedly.

Regulus furrowed his brow for a moment, “A squib?”

“No, she’s not.” Lily answered, “I’m muggle born.”

“Oh.” Was all Regulus could manage to say. He looked like he wanted to distance himself from Lily, like he was about to run and cut ties, but despite the look on his face he gripped Lily’s hand tighter, as if his last ounce of safety would abandon him. “Suppose I should have known, with the books and all.” Regulus tried to hide the small disappointment on his face, but Lily caught it.

“Is it a problem, that I’m muggle-born?” Lily asked.

Regulus was silent for a moment, before shaking his head, “Only if they find out.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, “Who? Your friends?”

Regulus shook his head, “Friends won’t be bothered. We’re friends with Dorcas and she’s a half-blood. My family is bad though, cousins and parents and all of them.”

“We’re not doing anything wrong.” Lily assured, “There’s no reason for trouble.”

“I know.” Regulus answered, his posture was straighter, less relaxed. “But they disagree. You’ll be hurt if they know.”

“What?” Lily was confused. Lily couldn’t grasp the idea that her friendship with Severus could save her, but that her friendship with Regulus could cause her a great deal of pain. She supposed she should have done more research into the Black family, but it felt wrong, to assume who Regulus was based on his lineage.

Regulus dropped Lily’s hand with a final squeeze and turned to look her in the eye, “I like you Lily. But it’s dangerous for us to be friends, I’m supposed to kill you. Or well, kill people like you, I should hate your guts.”

“Kill me?” Lily took a step back.

“Eventually, I’m supposed to. I won’t though!” Regulus corrected, he was aware he sounded like a dangerous lunatic, “the war, that’s all.”

“You want to kill muggle-borns?” Lily was in disbelief. “Is that really what it’s about?”

“I don’t!” Regulus was quick to get out, stepping closer to Lily and grabbing her hand once more, “I promise Lily, I don’t. But my parents, they’ll” he swallowed trying to find the right words, “my parents will kill us both if they think that I’ve gone soft.”

Regulus always seemed soft to Lily, he had never once been cruel or unkind to her, “I don’t understand.” Lily said, there were too many thoughts swimming in her head.

Regulus sighed, “If I were you, I would stay far away from me. But I don’t want you to, I really like you. But you should stay away.” Regulus answered quickly, his speech wasn’t much more put together than Lily’s thoughts.

“I’m not going to stay away from you, not if you won’t hurt me.”

“Others might try to hurt you.” Regulus kicked at the ground, “I’m dangerous, I’m nothing but trouble.”

“Regulus, you’re not responsible for other people. They’ll try and hurt me either way.” Lily reasoned, “I’m not abandoning you.” Regulus raised his head to meet Lily’s eyes. Everything about Regulus softened for just a brief moment before the two were pulled apart by Mary and Sirius.

The rest of the party mostly consisted of Lily trying to hide from James Potter, whose advances had become increasingly awkward and obvious. Each attempt got roaring laughter from Mary. Marlene had gotten her wand taken away, after she managed a pumpkin head jinx on Potter in his own home, and she insisted on sulking about it.

“Hey, Red.” It was Sirius Black that was very quickly approaching Lily, “If I were you I’d hide.”

“Why?”

“James wrote you a song, on guitar.” Sirius was trying to hide his wicked grin.

Lily raised an eyebrow, “I didn’t know he played guitar.”

Sirius’ grin got wider, “Oh, he can’t.”

Marlene was cackling now. “He didn’t!”

“Pete talked him into it, but you’re gonna be mortified.” Sirius warned Lily before running back, presumably to go assist with the upcoming serenade.

Lily had tried to leave, but Mary and Marlene kept her firmly in place, as James came down with his guitar. He stood ontop of the dinner table. Peter clanked a fork against a glass, to make sure they had everyone’s attention, “Hear ye, hear ye!” Pete called, “James Fleamont Potter has a special message for Lady Evans.”

Lily was already bright red in embarrassment. The song was titled ‘My Lilypad’ it consisted of much poor imagery of James as a frog and Lily as a lilypad. It was utterly ridiculous, sappy, and stupid.

Remus teased Lily with the song the rest of the party, he kept repeating his favorite line, “Your hair is bright as a flower, and you have all the power.” He would sing it under his breath or hum it while he was around Lily, and Remus could see her about to hex him. She would have hexed James for the song, but she did not want to leave a bad impression on all the strangers and onlookers.

“Remus if you don’t knock it off!” Lily raised her wand.

“It’s catchy Lily!” He defended.

…

After the party, going to sleep that night was much harder than Lily thought it would be. The grief was always worse at night, when she was alone with her thoughts. Lily was certain that halfway across the country, Petunia was also awake and staring at the ceiling, and Lily wasn’t sure whether this comforted her or made her more upset. She was shocked by the realization that she hadn’t slept anywhere but her house since her mother died. It felt off putting, and Lily felt the familiar pit in her stomach from thinking about her mother, then the usual guilt that followed from feeling that way. Mary and Marlene were asleep. Lily knew she ought to be asleep too, but she couldn’t. Her inability to sleep had not necessarily been a new occurrence, but it had worsened since her mother’s passing. The sleepless nights were no longer filled with the usual restless noises and anxiety. Instead, the nights felt empty, and this was far more worrisome, as Lily often felt as though she were falling in an infinite void. When Lily did sea age to sleep on rare occasions, she only dreamed of her mother, sometimes it was awful visions of how Lily imagined her mothers death, but she preferred the horror to the sorrow she felt when her mind replayed happy memories.

Lily had her thoughts get away from her for just a moment, but was now finding it hard to breathe. Lily didn’t want to bother anyone, so she sat awake alone, struggling to make sense of everything around her. Marlene got up to use the restroom, and noticed Lily awake on her way back to bed. “Lils? It’s nearly three in the morning.” Marlen whispered.

“I can’t sleep.” Lily shrugged.

“Scoot over.” Marlene insisted and sat beside Lily. “Come on, lean on me.”

“What?”

“It works, trust me, my older brothers did it when I was little.” Marlene said, and Lily leaned on her friend’s shoulder. Marlene softly hummed a lullaby and stroked Lily’s hair until she fell asleep. She was grateful for Marlene.

“Should we wake her up?” Mary was whispering.

“No, let her sleep she was up all night.” Marlene answered.

“She never sleeps this late, it’s nearly ten.”

“I’m up.” Lily yawned, “Is it really that late?”

Marlene laughed, “Ten is not late, Mary sleeps until noon every weekend.”

“Being this pretty is exhausting!” Mary defended herself. “Well since you’re up, we can go now right?”

Lily was confused, still groggy from sleep, “Where are we going?”

“Diagon Alley.” Marlene informed.

Marlene was careful not to ask about last night, or bring it up at all for that matter, and Lily was grateful to avoid the shame and pity she would feel. The girls quickly ate breakfast and got ready to leave. They apparated with Mrs. McKinnon, which caused Mary to be sick again. Lily was quick to drag them to the bookstore. Lily was on a mission and refused to be hindered by her meandering friends, Lily had managed to make sure everyone got all their materials for school within an hour.

“Can we go to the teashop now?” Mary asked, absolutely sick of all the bookstores she had been dragged to.

“Do we have everything?” Lily asked, checking her list.

Marlene sighed, “There’s no possible way we could have needed anymore books.”

“Lily could always find more books.” Mary corrected, causing Lily to smile.

The girls found their way to the Rosa Lee Teabag. It was a cozy little shop, there were very few patrons, and the ones that were there were far older than the girls. Mary and Lily had a grand time in the shop, carefully picking out teas, and pretending to have a fancy tea party, despite their rather plain attitudes and attire. Marlene seemed like she was in her personal hell, everything about the shop was far too proper, and Marlene stuck out like a sore thumb.

“You two are so prissy!” Marlene complained. “Can’t we just get butterbeer?”

“It won’t hurt you to practice your manners, Mars.” Lily chastised.

“It will, I’ll burn in hell!” Marlene stated a little too loudly as they garnered disgusted looks from the older patrons. The girls hurried to finish their tea and leave before they were kicked out.

Chapter Text

“Hello, Mrs. Potter.” It took Lily far too long to get over her confusion and realize that Sirius Black was teasing her.

“Bugger off Sirius.” Lily rolled her eyes, “Don’t make me jinx you before we’re even at school.”

“Harsh Evans, especially since I’m gonna be the best man at your wedding.” Sirius laughed, finding himself endlessly amusing.

“What do you want Black?”

Sirius shrugged, “I needed to talk to you.”

“About what?” Lily asked and Sirius looked around before pulling Lily into an empty carriage, “Godric, Sirius! What are you doing?”

“I have to look out for my brother.”

“Is Regulus okay?” Lily was panicked for a second.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, “I was talking about James.”

Lily was taken back for a moment, “Oh.”

Sirius did not miss a beat, “He’s in love with you, Evans.”

“Really? I had no idea!” Lily’s sarcasm was obvious enough that Sirius rolled his eyes at her. “So?”

“So don’t break his bloody heart.”

Lily laughed, “I’m not going to fall in love with James Potter just cause you ask me to.”

Sirius scrunched his nose, as if no one had ever denied him, “What?”

“I don’t like James Potter. I’m not playing hard to get, I just think he’s an annoying git.” Lily informed, and at this moment she knew without a doubt that this was a ploy. Lily swung the compartment door open to reveal none other than James Potter, “And you really must think I’m far denser than I am.” Lily stormed out to another compartment.

…

Severus had successfully managed to get Lily to join his compartment, seeing as it was the only one that was safe from being invaded by James Potter. Lily hadn’t realized how many friends Severus had truly amassed, she always assumed she was the only one, and now she felt horribly guilty for thinking so low of him. Regulus Black and Severus Snape were an exceptionally odd pair of friends. Lily reckoned the whole lot of Slytherins was quite a strange mix, Severus, Regulus, Barty Crouch, Evan Rosier, Evan’s twin sister who was a Ravenclaw named Pandora, and the occasional pop-in from Dorcas.

Dorcas’ eyes widened when she entered the compartment and saw Lily, “Who let a Gryffindor in here?”

“Can it Meadowes, don’t act like you’re not fraternizing with the enemy.” Severus pushed back.

“It’s not fraternizing, it’s a secret infiltration!” Dorcas joked, “Gonna kill them at quidditch this year, Marlene blabs all their plays.”

Evan tutted, “You’d have to be good at quidditch for it to work.” Three wands were instantly pointed towards Evan and he raised his hand in defeat, “Only joking! Don’t shoot the court jester!”

“You’d have to be funny for that joke to work.” Pandora said smugly in the most cheery, bird-like voice Lily had ever heard. Regulus gave her a high-five and Lily chuckled quietly. Dorcas disappeared, presumably back to the compartment that Lily typically resided in with Mary and Marlene.

“You’re in the choir, right Lily?” Pandora asked.

Lily nodded, “Yeah, I am.”

Pandora smiled, “I think I’m going to join this year. It’ll be nice to know someone ahead of time.” The blonde girl was perhaps one of the nicest people Lily had met at Hogwarts. Lily wondered how Pandora could be swept up with this crowd for just a moment, before realizing that Lily was also currently swept up in the same crowd. “I tried to get Reggie to join, he has a lovely voice, but all the Blacks play quidditch.”

Regulus was blushing, “I don’t sing, she’s never heard me sing.” He shook his head.

“Bloody concert every night in the shower!” Barty was quick to correct him.

Evan added, “His favorite is Rocket Man!”

“Is not! I don’t sing!” Regulus was bright red now.

“Don’t listen to him! He has the voice of an angel.” Pandora smiled proudly, “Don’t lie to her Reggie, it’s not nice.”

Regulus’ blush disappeared quickly and was replaced by a blank, solemn, pale face, anger evident in his eyes. He seemed to just tune them out as they continued to tease him.

“Leave him alone, you lot are insufferable.” Severus was clearly done with the topic.

“Forgot Severus has no fun.” Barty smirked, trying to rile up the older boy to no avail.

Instead, Severus nodded, “An utter stick in the mud.” he agreed in the most monotonous voice he could muster.

Barty groaned, he was clearly trying to pick a fight. The idea clearly struck him like lightning, “Poor Charity, to have the most boring man in the world.”

“Shut up.” Severus gritted out, wand already raised.

“Expelliarmus.” Regulus waved his own wand disarming both Barty and Severus in one quick motion, as if it was no effort at all. “No repeats of last time,” was all Regulus had to say and both the other boys calmed down, it was as if Regulus was in charge. Lily wasn’t used to seeing Regulus so cold, and she’d be lying to say she wasn’t intrigued.

Lily was only distracted for a moment though before she turned to Severus, “Who’s Charity? Charity Burbage?”

Severus was the one blushing now, “Uh, yeah.”

“How do you know Charity?” Lily asked.

Severus averted his gaze, “Just friends is all. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not worried.” Lily said honestly, “I’m just confused, why didn’t you tell me?”

Severus looked around the crowded carriage, all eyes on him, “Not now, Lily.”

“Fine.” She huffed, clearly not fine with the lack of explanation.

“Charity has a crush on Sev.” Pandora informed Lily.

“Rosier!” Severus gritted.

“Keeping secrets isn’t polite.” Pandora shrugged, “Plus she’s rather obvious about it.”

“That was rotten Dora, none of your business.” Evan rolled his eyes at his twin sister.

“Severus!” Lily squealed, “You should ask her out!”

Severus turned pale, and looked angrier than before Lily had made the statement. “I’m not interested in Charity.”

“Why not? She’s rather pretty.” Lily commented, causing Severus’ face to scrunch up in disapproval.

Regulus coughed, “Enough of this absolute garish love fest.”

Barty laughed, “Only cause no one fancies you, Black.”

“Suppose that means we’re just alike, Crouch.” Regulus bit back. “I’m focused on more important matters.”

“Oh yeah?” Evan asked, “Like what?”

“I’m gonna get in the slug club.” Regulus said proudly.

“Me too!” Pandora chimed in, “Better than all of you at astronomy, and transfig, and herbology.” Pandora boasted, “Suppose I’m the best at a lot, no wonder I’m mum’s favorite.” She stuck a tongue out towards her brother, who just rolled his eyes.

Lily laughed, “It’s fun for sure, right Sev?”

“You’re both in it?” Regulus questioned.

Lily nodded, “I beat Sev at potions last year.”

“By one point because of the essay, my practical was better.” Severus tried to defend.

“Our practicals were the exact same score actually.” Lily corrected, “And a point is still winning.” She boasted. “Plus, I killed you at Charms.”

“You bested everyone by a mile in Charms.” He shrugged.

Pandora’s eyes widened, giving her the appearance of an owl, “Oh my word! Flitwick talks about you, says you’re an example of how even other houses can have a brain sometimes.”

“I have a brain.” Evan defended meekly.

Pandora shook her head, “Flitwick uses you as an example that intelligence is not genetic.” The twins were up on their feet in an instant, wands poised at each other. Regulus had prepared for this as soon as they began hurling insults though, and managed to disarm both of them.

“Is Lily the only one here who can be trusted with a wand?” Regulus questioned as if he was scolding toddlers.

“Evan can be trusted, not like he’s any good at jinxes anyway.” Pandora shrugged, before being instantly tackled by her brother. Pandora was just laughing though, especially as Regulus carefully levitated Evan and set him back in his seat. “My hero!” Pandora cheered to Regulus, wrapping him in a tight hug.

“Never knew you were so responsible Regulus.” Lily laughed.

Regulus shrugged, “Someone has to be, and none of our present company will. Normally Dorcas helps when she’s not gone to kiss someone.”

“Give it back Black, been punished enough.” Severus held out his hand, and Regulus reluctantly handed everyone their wands back. “I’m quite responsible for the record.” This earned thunderous laughter from everyone but Lily, which made Severus give them all a very sour look.

…

“Three sickles says that one is a Hufflepuff.” Marlene kept betting against Lily, and Lily took it every time because Marlene was exceptionally bad at guessing people’s houses. By the end of the sorting Marlene owed Lily two galleons. “Stupid game.” Marlene muttered handing over the money.

“You’re the one who kept betting.” Lily laughed.

“Thought I would win eventually.” Marlene pouted, “that last boy really looked like a Ravenclaw.”

“Well he wasn’t.” Lily shrugged.

Mary sighed very loudly. When no one asked Mary what was the matter she repeated the gesture but louder and more exaggerated. Marlene took the bait, “What is it, Mary?”

“Well, since you asked.” Mary started, causing Lily to groan in agony immediately, “I’m mad at Sirius.”

“Why this time?” Lily sighed, almost as dramatically as Mary.

“He keeps flirting with Emmeline, right in front of me! He’s just trying to make me jealous.” Mary rolled her eyes, Lily thought this idea was rather full of herself but just let Mary continue ranting about as she was clearly still interested in Sirius, and clearly jealous of Emmeline.

Marlene however, must have heard this on the train, cause she was already fed up. “You dumped him Mary! Either snog him again, or get with the Ravenclaw boy.”
“Do you think Adrian likes me?” Mary wondered.

Lily nodded, “He might. He’s very nice in slug club.”

“Fine, I’ll snog him to make Sirius jealous.” Mary decided. Marlene and Lily looked at each other perplexed, but didn’t dare comment on the matter.

Remus shoved Marlene over to get a spot next to Lily at the table just then, “Lupin, can’t just push me!” Marlene complained, but was ignored.

“What’s your electives, Red?”

“I’ve got Divination, Arithmancy, and Ancient Ruins.”

Remus shook his head, “We’ll have Divination together, but I’m taking Care of Magical Creatures and Muggle Studies.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, “Thought you’d do Arithmancy.”

Remus shrugged, “Never been good at math, better at writing. Plus I reckoned Ancient Ruins wouldn’t be all too useful.”

“Marlene and I have Magical Creatures with you!” Mary smiled, “But you’re taking Muggle Studies?”

“Mum said I should, she thinks I don’t know enough about muggle society.” Remus sighed, “Know more than any of the other Marauders though, we’re all taking it together.”

“That poor professor!” Marlene cried out, causing Lily to snicker.

…

Lily once again couldn’t sleep. But something felt wrong. Lily couldn’t stop the tight feeling in her chest. She fought against the urge to wake Mary or Marlene. So she stared at the ceiling. Lily hadn’t thought she would still miss her mother while at Hogwarts and was now realizing how foolish that idea had been. Lily didn’t know why it was bothering her so much. Lily wanted her sister, she wished she could sneak into Petunia’s room as she had for the past month whenever she was having a night like this. Lily couldn’t stop crying. She couldn’t sleep. All Lily could do was lie awake and think about her mother. Lily cursed at herself, she must be stupid or dense, how could she keep doing this night after night? Lily had kept Marlene up all week with her problems, and Lily couldn’t bear to distress her friend another night.

“Lily? Are you awake?” Mary opened Lily’s curtain.

Lily tried to wipe away her tears and go unnoticed, “Yeah, I am.”

Mary sat beside Lily, not bothering to wait for an invitation. “Do you want to talk about it?” Mary asked and Lily shook her head, Lily still couldn’t make herself process any of it. Even if she wanted to talk about it, neither of the girls knew how to start, or what to say. “Okay, I’ll just sit with you.”

“You don’t have to.” Lily whispered, still wiping away her tears, unable to stop herself from crying.

“I know, but I’m going to stay anyway, at least until you fall asleep.” Mary did stay, and Lily was glad. Lily cried into her friend’s shoulder, collapsed into Mary’s warm embrace, until they both fell asleep.

Chapter Text

When McGonagall had asked for a meeting Lily knew that it was not in reference to her constant questions this time. The meeting was perhaps the most uncomfortable interaction she’d ever had with the professor as long drawn out silence and pauses were frequently occurring while they were exchanging pleasantries. Lily could not take it anymore, “I don’t mean to be rude, but can we please just talk about why I’m here and get it over with.” Lily asked, not looking up from the tea cup the professor had practically forced onto her with how many times it had been offered.

“If you wish.” McGonagall nodded, “I wanted to see how you were, after the death of your mother.”

Lily shrugged, she’d had a million people ask her that in the past two months, it was getting old. She had half-heartedly clung to the idea that no one at Hogwarts would know, that she wouldn’t have to talk about it. Apparently she forgot that everyone at Hogwarts knows everything about everyone. There was no privacy at this school. “I suppose I’m as good as I can be.”

“It’s perfectly reasonable to be upset Miss Evans” McGonagall attempted to soothe but Lily flinched at the sound of her last name.

“Can you please call me Lily?”

McGonagall was never so familiar with students, she oozed professionalism at almost all times. “Lily, there are a lot of questions you might have about this. That’s perfectly normal. You are always welcome to come and discuss anything with me, and I’m sure the rest of the faculty would be more than happy to help if it would make you more comfortable.”

“I don’t like to talk about it.” Lily mumbled.

McGonagall sighed, “When I was not much older than you, I lost my mother too. I understand.”

Lily fought the urge to yell, “I didn’t lose her. She’d dead, not wandering around somewhere.”

“Forgive my mis-step.” McGonagall requested, clearly treading lightly, “But I assure you, I am aware that this is a very difficult time.”

Lily shrugged, “It’s always a difficult time, I suppose.” Lily looked up from her teacup, “Does it get better?”

“It gets easier.” McGonagall assured, but Lily could only wish it was true, as she did not believe the sentiment.

…

Severus and Lily were sitting on the ground in the middle of the corridor. It had been a recent favorite spot for them during lunch. It was a good neutral ground.

They were snacking on a box of Bestie and Botts every flavor Beans, though Lily had rotten luck with them, kept getting dreadful flavors. “I don’t know how you can stand these.” Lily commented, she kept trying them but then instantly regretted it.

“They’re my favorite, I like to be surprised.”

Lily scoffed, “Liar, you hate surprises.”

“But these ones are always good surprises.” Severus shrugged, and Lily furrowed her brow. “If you expect the worst one everytime, then it’s quite nice to receive a treat.” He smiled proudly.

Lily crossed her arms with a huff, “Okay, still think they’re dreadful, haven’t gotten a good one all day.”

“You’ve got rotten luck, Lily.” He laughed, it was no secret that he was thoroughly amused whenever Lily got a bad one and pulled a face.

“What is up with you lately?” Lily asked, a clear goal in mind as she tried to steer the conversation.

Severus sighed, “I know what you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything.” Lily defended as she feigned innocence.

“I don’t want to talk about Charity, she’s just a friend.” Severus said pointedly.

“You should ask Charity out.” Lily suggested, this had been a frequent sentiment she echoed lately, but once again Severus just shook his head.

“I don’t fancy Charity Burbage.”

Lily cocked her head, not understanding in the slightest, “She’s very pretty, and she’s rather sweet.”

Severus nodded, “She is, but I don’t fancy her.”

Lily thought really hard, but could not fathom a reasonable explanation for this, “Severus, are you queer?”

Severus nearly choked on his own tongue, “No!” He denied the accusation feverishly.

“It’s okay if you are.” Lily assured.

Severus huffed, “I’m not gay, Lily.”

“Oh.” Lily had thought she solved the mystery, and was now back to step one, “So why don’t you fancy Charity?”

“Lily!” He groaned, “How come you don’t fancy James?”

“Cause he’s an arrogant prick.” Lily answered simply, “But Charity isn’t.”

Severus was annoyed his deflection tactic had been unsuccessful. “There’s not a reason for it Lily, I just don’t like her as anything more than a friend.”

Lily bit her lip, “Is she going to replace me then?”

“No one could ever replace you.” Severus answered instantly, “You’re Lily Evans.”

…

Mary was sworn in making Sirius as jealous as possible. It was an elaborate operation that she required Lily and Marlene’s assistance with. The operation involved a full-scale makeover with new hairdos and an excessive amount of makeup. Mary began wearing muggle clothes anytime she had the chance, because she knew Sirius liked them.

Lily assisted with the makeover, because she thought it was quite fun. But she thought Mary looked too grown-up. “Are you sure Mary?” Lily kept asking, Lily couldn’t imagine kissing anyone, much less just doing it to make a different person jealous. Mary had always been much more interested in romance than Lily had though, and Lily supposed she didn’t know as much about it.

“I’m going on a date with Adrian today, do I look okay?” Mary asked, wearing a dress that Lily was certain her parents wouldn’t approve of.

“You look gorgeous.” Lily said. She was rather jealous of Mary, Mary was by far the prettiest girl in the year and everyone knew it. “Do you really like Adrian?”

“Suppose we’ll find out.” Mary shrugged, “He might be more of your type though, he’s a little nerdy.”

“I don’t fancy anyone.” Lily insisted.

Mary laughed, “Don’t I know it. You only remind me every day.”

…

Mary’s plan to make Sirius jealous must have proved entirely successful as the entire next week Mary was caught kissing Sirius in the common room, though the word caught may be incorrect as they were not hiding their PDA in the slightest. “Remus! You have to make them stop!” Lily whined staring at them, it was like a trainwreck, Lily couldn’t look away.

“If we pretend we can’t see them then maybe we won’t be scarred for life.” Remus wouldn’t look up from his book.

Lily groaned, “It’s awful!”

“Really Red? You don’t want to snog anyone then?” Remus asked, a smug look on his face.

Lily scrunched her nose up. “No, not at all.”

Remus gave her a side-eyed glance, “You liar.”

“Am not!” Lily was adamant.

Remus laughed, “You oggle over Reg.”

Lily’s jaw dropped, she hadn’t even thought about it. Did she fancy a second year? “Doesn’t mean I fancy him.” Lily said meekly, she supposed that perhaps the feelings she had for Regulus could be considered a crush. She hadn’t thought about it at all.

“You do like him, don’t you?”

“Not going to do anything about it.” Lily shrugged, “So I suppose it doesn’t matter. Blacks are all engaged anyway right?”

Remus shook his head, “Just Sirius, he’s the heir. Until he’s disowned at least.”

“You really think he’ll be disowned?” Lily questioned, it was always talked about so flippantly.

Remus shrugged, “Sirius is quite sure of it. He’s certainly not helping his case by flouncing about with Macdonald.”

It took Lily a second to realise the several implications of Sirius’ relationship with Mary. Lily felt bad for not realising before, Mary was a muggle born and Sirius was not only a pure-blood but from a blood supremacist family. Not only that, but Sirius was engaged to another pureblood. “Sirius is gonna get Mary killed,” Lily worried.

“People won’t hurt her for that.” Remus shrugged.

“Regulus said they would.” Lily remembered, “It’s why his cousins can’t see us together.” Lily hadn’t realised all of this before. “As friends. We’re just friends.” Lily added before Remus could tease her about it.

“So you do fancy him?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

Lily sighed before leaning close to Remus’ ear and whispering “If you tell anyone, I’ll blab about your crush on Sirius.”

Remus blushed, “How did you know?”

Lily laughed, “I didn’t really, but you just confirmed it.”

“You’re evil.” Remus shook his head. “Bloody evil.”

“Suppose we both are,” Lily shrugged, “Must be why we’re friends.”

…

Lily and Petunia had been corresponding every day, though none of the letters were particularly interesting. Lily kept detailing her classes, which Petunia politely feigned interest in. Petunia kept talking about how much she loved Vernon, which Lily politely pretended not to vomit over.

Lily had not missed her sister so much in a very long time. It was much harder to miss Petunia when she was getting along with Lily than it was when they were fighting. This of course was only made more difficult by Lily’s inability to speak with her mother. Lily had tried to commune with her father but it was extremely difficult to do so. Lily’s father was far less talkative, and while she was grateful for the letters from him, she was resentful at how undescriptive the letters were.
The letters from Petunia and her father were the only interaction Lily had with the muggle world. Lily was still an entirely prideful muggle-born, but she no longer considered herself a muggle in the slightest. Lily had essentially separated herself entirely from the muggle world while she was at Hogwarts, she no longer saw a need for muggle things afterall, it hadn’t done much good for her mother. The only muggle things she kept with her and held dear, were books her mother had given her, and photographs of her family. Everything else, Lily disavowed.

…

Choir was far more interesting with the new batch of second years. Particularly the addition of three students, Pandora Rosier, Sybill Trelawney, and one student whose name Lily could not pronounce in the slightest who she kept calling Xylophone.

Quite frankly, the cheery atmosphere that the three excited second years brought, caused Lily’s a lot of emotional turmoil. Singing reminded Lily far too much of her mother, it brought her comfort and sorrow simultaneously. So the barrage of laughter brought to the usually calm, and slightly gossipy, choir was quite strange.

“Lily, can you read music?” Pandora asked, leaning over and trying to check if Lily’s sheet music was somehow different.

Lily nodded, “Yes, I can.”

“You must be a genius.” Pandora shrugged, “It looks like nonsense to me, I think we should use colors instead.” Lily furrowed her eyebrows, thoroughly confused. “You know, red sounds different than yellow.”

Lily shrugged, having no clue what Pandora was saying, “I suppose so.”

“What is she on about?” Emmeline asked, shaking her head. “She does this sort of thing in the common room too.”

“I’m just more creative than the other Ravenclaws.” Pandora smiled, before whispering, “Emmeline wouldn’t understand cause she’s smart but not original in the slightest.”

Lily tried not to laugh at being caught in between the two squabbling Ravenclaws as they both took turns whispering gossip and snide remarks about the other into her ear. “The whole lot of the Ravenclaw second years is bizarre. Xeno is obsessed with trying to come up with his own spells, he keeps blowing things up. Sybill isn’t any better, she thinks she can see the future, pretends to go into a trance and predicts you’ll die soon.”

“Has she ever been right?” Lily questioned.

Emmeline just shook her head, “Not once, not even her little predictions like if it will rain. Nutcases, all of them.”

Lily was overcome with a brief amount of courage, “Do you know Adrian?”

“Adrian Macmillan?” Emmeline clarified, and Lily nodded. “Yeah, he’s nice, very quiet but I think he’ll be a prefect next year. He’s very smart.”

Lily bit her lip, she was very nervous to ask, “Do you think he’d like me?”

Emmeline smiled, “Probably, you’re a very pretty girl, nice, smart, don’t see why he wouldn’t.”

Lily decided then that she would choose to fancy Adrian. He was nice, and not dangerous like Regulus, she wasn’t close to him like Severus, and he wasn’t abrasive like James. Lily thought she could get on quite well with Adrian, and Mary had given her express approval. It would get the girls and Remus off of her back about boys, and James up the wall, the idea brought a smile to her face.

Chapter Text

The third years got to go on trips to Hogsmeade. It was rather nerve wracking as they all stood alphabetically in a line. The closest person Lily knew was Sirius Black, this was an instant recipe for disaster of course. “Excited Evans?” He asked out of boredom from waiting in the line.

“Suppose so, never been before.” Lily tried to seem nonchalant, but she knew it was not working.

Sirius smirked, “Nervous then?”

Lily shook her head, “I’m always nervous, don’t be so smug.” Lily was already annoyed by Sirius, she couldn’t help it, the boy always managed to pinch her last nerve.

Sirius held up both hands, backing off, “I’m just being friendly, you always assume the worst in me Evans!” He practically whined.

Lily looked at him very skeptically, “In my defense I have yet to be wrong in my assumptions.”

“Snivellus still hates our lot?”

“Well considering you just referred to him as Snivellus, I would assume he does.” Lily sighed, she was so sick of the boys feud, but she was too smart to ever hope it would come to a peaceful resolution. “Are you still spying on me for James?”

Sirius shrugged, “Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.”

“So we’ve both been hanging out with Remus, I see. He says that all the bloody time.” Lily mused.

Sirius feigned offense, “How dare he! I used it first.”

“You’ll have to yell at him later.” Lily laughed, “Hasn’t James found someone else to snog?”

Sirius tilted his head in confusion, “He doesn’t want to snog you Lily.”

Now Lily was the confused one, hadn’t that always been James’ goal? To snog Lily and then humiliate her? Lily couldn’t fathom what else James Potter would want with her. “Then what does he want?” She mumbled, but Sirius heard.

Sirius shook his head with a chuckle, “He wants to marry you Evans, he’s hellbent on it.”

“He’s just joking.” Lily assured both Sirius and herself.

But Sirius’ eyes went wide as he shook his head, “All James talks about is you lately, if it’s a joke he’s taken it much too far.”

“I know you’re in on it Sirius, it won’t work.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“I’m being serious.” He insisted before quiet mumbling the necessary, “I’m always Sirius, it’s my name.” That was Lily’s cue to ignore Sirius once more as the prefects checked their names off.

…

Hogsmeade was absolutely surreal to Lily, it was slightly bigger than Diagon Alley, and there was much more to see. However, Lily was stuck with the boys, as Marlene had disappeared with Dorcas the second they had the chance, which left her with Mary who was holding Sirius’ hand.

“Would you like to hold my hand?” James Potter asked, trying to sound sweet, but Lily thought the question was rather odd.

“I’m fine Potter, I can cross the street on my own.” Lily insisted, and James looked entirely disheartened at the statement. He had been taking Lily’s jabs far more personally lately, and Lily couldn’t see why. She was beginning to wish she had followed Marlene and Dorcas rather than staying with her current grouping. Lily could hardly talk to Remus as James had been hovering over her since they arrived.

There were several places that Lily was dragged to that afternoon, everyone had a stop they wanted to make. It started at Zonko’s, a joke shop filled with color and awful smells. Lily didn’t enjoy how many dung bombs she saw Potter and Black pick up at that store, and she knew with absolute certainty she would hear about their antics later in the week.

The next stop was Peter’s choice. Honeydukes, the magical sweet shop, she recognized the absolutely horrid jellybeans that Severus liked. There were chocolate frogs, and Remus got a fair amount of them. Lily still preferred muggle sweets to magical ones. Lily didn’t like it very much when her food decided to move or explode.

Lily’s favorite stop was the one Remus picked, a bookshop. Lily absolutely adored the bookstore, it was somehow more stocked than the Hogwarts library, and nothing was restricted. Lily instantly found a book she was drawn to, Advanced Potions Analysis, the others had thought it was ridiculous but Lily had decided she needed it. Of course, that was before she checked the price. Lily was about to put the book back when James Potter swooped in, “I’ll buy it for you Lily.”

Lily furrowed her brow, “I can’t pay you back, I don’t like to owe people.”

James shrugged, “Consider it a gift, for the havoc I caused you.” He gave a wide smile, like he was eager to do it.

Lily shook her head and put the book back, “No, I can’t. I appreciate the offer though.” Lily returned a warm smile, grateful for the offer that her manners would never let her accept.

They proceeded to go to The Three Broomsticks, the local tavern. The six Gryffindors sat at a large table and Sirius ordered everyone a butter beer. Lily was getting tired, it had been a long day and as per usual she had not slept the night before. Lily kept leaning her head on Remus’ shoulder and yawning. But almost every time she did, James would manage to bump into Remus’ chair and jostle her off of Remus. After the second time, Lily no longer considered this a coincidence, and she knew that James was jealous.

“I’m not stupid Potter, knock it off.” Lily warned.

James gave his best puppy dog eyes, “I haven’t done anything.”

“Jealous prick.” Lily mumbled, she returned to her spit on Remus’ shoulder, knowing Remus didn’t mind. But this time when James had managed to bump into Remus, Remus spilled his entire mug of butter beer onto Lily. “Bloody Potter!” Lily yelled, and in a blind moment of anger she tossed her own mug of butter beer onto James, so now they were both soaked in the sticky liquid.

Lily excused herself to the restroom and did a quick spell to dry herself off, even though it wasn’t allowed. But even though her clothes were clean, her hair was still a bit sticky, and Lily knew she’d be mad the rest of the day.

Lily only felt slightly vindicated when she saw that James was much stickier, and the bottom of his robes were still damp. “Sorry Lily, didn’t mean to get ya.” Remus apologized.

“Not your fault Remus.” Lily assured, though her tone was biting as she stared at James with anger in her eyes. Her anger was only fueled when he continued to look at her in adoration.

James Potter must have found Lily’s anger amusing as he was trying very hard not to laugh. Peter must have been far smarter than Potter, because Peter kept elbowing James and mumbling things like “You’re going to blow it mate.” James could not help himself though and after a few grueling minutes could no longer contain himself under Lily’s angry glare. James burst into a fit of laughter, which promptly caused Lily to storm out of the tavern.

Remus and Mary chased after Lily, it was not hard as Lily was by far the shortest and had much smaller strides. “Lils, he’s just an idiot, ignore him.” Mary pleaded.

“I’m going to get him back.” Lily said determinedly, “He’s embarrassed me for two years and I think it’s my turn.” Lily gave an assured nod to her own statement.

Remus raised an eyebrow, “Red, what are you on about?”

Lily smiled wickedly, a million evil plans boiling to the surface. “I am going to prank Potter, and you two are going to help me.”

…

Lily spent the rest of the day in her dorm, cleaning off the sticky butter beer, and plotting her long awaited revenge on James Potter. The thing about Lily planning a prank was that Lily had no idea how to do such a thing. When Lily was mad she had always acted in the immediate aftermath. Lily had never had to plan something like this in advance, and it wasn’t like she could give him a pimple hex and call it a day. James was far more difficult to embarrass than her sister was. She knew she had to plan something glorious and she kept dreaming about it all through dinner.

However, when Lily returned from dinner there was a package lying on her bed with a single dandelion tied around it with a piece of twine. Lily scowled at the gift that was wrapped in old copies of the daily prophet. She carefully untangled the wrapping and saw it. A copy of Advanced Potions Analysis. It was the same book she was looking at in Hogsmeade. Lily knew who had gotten it for her, and her resolve to torture Potter was immediately weakened slightly. Her suspicions were only confirmed when she saw the inscription written inside, “Evans, you don’t owe me anything, EVER. From your not-so-secret admirer.”

Lily stared at the inscription Potter had written for far too long. Until her vision blurred and she could hardly make them out. Lily did not want to forgive Potter and wished that he hadn’t made the gesture. James always forgave Lily, and then he would apologize like this, and Lily would have to forgive him. This was probably the thing she despised most about James Potter, was her inability to stay mad at him, it would make things much easier. But instead, everytime that Lily thought she had made up her mind in the boy, he would do something to confuse her again. Lily was almost certain this was some grand ploy to mess with her head.

That was the first night in a long time that Lily had gotten a good night's sleep. But this horrified Lily, because she had been clutching the new textbook, and had dreamed all night, of none other than her arch-enemy, James Potter.

Chapter Text

“No Lily! It’ll reek for weeks.” Remus complained in a hushed voice.

Lily huffed, it had been the best idea by far. “That’s the idea, it’ll be brilliant. You’ll be like a double agent.”

“I live in there too Lily, that would be pure torture.” Remus whined.

Lily smirked, a wicked idea forming, “Not if we do it on the full moon.”

“You’re going to get Sirius and Pete too, you know that right?”

Lily nodded, “Sirius will deserve it, I’m sure. Unfortunately for Pete, he’s always with Potter and would be a casualty regardless.”

Remus shook his head, “They won’t even know it was us.”

“That’s the point. They’ll never know.” Lily smiled, “They can’t report me either because they aren’t supposed to have the dung bombs in the first place.”

Remus smiled softly, “I’ll help you and Mary get into the dorm, but that’s it. Cause that smell might never go away, they have at least 50 dung bombs in there.”

“I’ve been working on my delayed reaction spells, if I do it right they’ll all go off at once, they won’t know what hit them.” Lily smiled proudly. It would be several weeks before the full moon, so she had time to hatch her plan and put it into action. Until then, Lily had to wait and do her absolute best to avoid James Potter.

…

Third year brought the addition of a new class, Divination with the Ravenclaws. Lily rather liked divination, she thought it was fascinating, though she was rather rubbish at it. Lily would express that she thought all of the predictions made in class were absolutely untrue, but the class was extremely amusing and Lily looked forward to it.

Lily held Remus’ teacup delicately, staring at the leaves. “I can’t tell you what it says, you’ll think I’m joking!”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Yours says that two lovers are in your near future.”

“Remus those look nothing like hearts.” Lily glances at the cup,

“Anatomically correct hearts.” Remus suggested, “Now, do mine.”

Lily sighed, “You’ll have bad luck on the next full moon.”

Remus laughed, “You’re biased.”

“Look! It’s near future, there’s a crescent moon, a full circle, and a horseshoe shape. Reckon it’s luck and a full moon.”

“Maybe I’ll have good luck.” Remus smiled.

Lily shook her head, “No, horseshoes are warnings, clovers are good.”

“You’re cheating,” Remus accused, “You can’t predict things that are going to come true.”

“That’s the literal point of the class!” Lily laughed.

Remus groaned, “I should have taken Runes!”

The two friends’ playful bickering was interrupted by a sandy haired Ravenclaw boy, freckles littered his face. “Hello Lily.” Adrian smiled nervously, Lily blushed.

“Hello Adrian, have you met Remus?” Lily beamed, introducing the two boys to each other.

“Nice to meet you.” Remus’ smile was tight and awkward, “I ought to go help Peter.” Remus excused himself as quickly as he could.

Lily gestured for Adrian to sit in the now vacant chair and he happily did. “I don’t mean to be too forward. But I find you very charming, Lily.”

Lily smiled, “Thank you Adrian.”

Adrian was blushing now, the two were very clearly unsure of how to do this. “Well, I was wondering perhaps, if tomorrow night, you would be interesting in attending the slug club party, and if perhaps you’d like to go together? Emmeline said you might, and I was kind of hoping.” He was beginning to ramble, but he quickly caught himself, “I was hoping we could go together.”

Lily was ecstatic, it would be her first date, “Yes, I’d like that very much.”

“Well, that’s amazing. Utterly fantastic.” Adrian was somehow geekier than Lily was, he kept fumbling around with his glasses, and was clearly not anticipating her to actually agree to the offer, “I’ll meet outside of your common room.”

“Sounds lovely.”

…

Lily was very poorly attempting to prune a plant in Herbology as she broke the news about the date to Marlene. “He asked you to go somewhere that you were already going to be?” Marlene judged she had been extremely judgy whenever Lily brought up Adrian.

“Yes, what’s wrong with that?”

Marlene shrugged, “Nothing I suppose, just don’t understand his logic is all.”

“Well I like him, so we’re going together.” Lily confirmed. “You don’t like him do you?”

Marlene shook her head, “He’s fine, but he’s so bland. You need someone more exciting Lils.”

“Adrian is plenty exciting.” Lily defended, and Marlene just laughed at her. “Maybe I don’t like excitement very much, I could use a break.”

Marlene rolled her eyes at the comment, “Look at the company you keep! I’m the most dull one of our whole lot, and I hardly count myself as boring.”

“You’re not the most boring one!”

Marlene shrugged, “Who is then? Remus, the scarred, secretive, bookish, bad boy? Or perhaps Mary, who has never done one dramatic thing? Severus, who you absolutely never ever fight with?”

Marlene was fully prepared to keep going, entirely amusing herself with her own theatrics, but she was cut off as Lily cut the wrong branch and their plant screeched at them. “Ten points from Gryffindor!” Their herbology professor called, and Lily groaned.

“Hate this bloody class.” Lily mumbled, wrapping gauze around the branch she had mistakenly cut. She felt entirely foolish tending to the plant in such a manner.

“Now you know how I feel about bloody Potions.” Marlene grumbled.

Lily shrugged, “You’ll help me plan an outfit for tomorrow night? Might have to steal some of Mary’s clothes, but she’s taller than me now. Worried nothing will fit.”

“Don’t worry, Mary’s gotten really good at re-sizing charms. She keeps using them to borrow my jeans.” Marlene assured, “But if you see Mary wearing my flared Levi’s you have to tell me! Haven’t seen them in a week.”

Lily thought for a second, “Oh, those were yours? Sorry, stole them from Mary. They’re in my wardrobe.”

“Bloody hell, we have to make a system or something.” Marlene sighed, “Don’t reckon you’ve seen my mascara?”

Lily laughed, “No, that’s all Mary.”

“I have your sweater though, the yellow one.” Marlene mused, “We’ve gotten out of hand with it this year.”

Lily shrugged, “Suppose so, but we’re all thieves, so I suppose it evens out.” There was another shriek from the plant, to which their pruning shears were quickly taken away from Lily and Marlene. Lily was in a sour mood for the rest of class, but Marlene found Lily’s incompetence at the subject utterly hilarious. “It’s not funny, McKinnon.”

Marlene smiled, “It’s nice to remember you fuck up too, Lils.” Their professor heard the language though, and Gryffindor lost another 10 points, Marlene also managed to earn detention for it.

Lily whispered, careful not to get caught, “Seems we both fuck up.”

…

“It’s a Slughorn dinner, not a gala!” Mary shouted at Marlene as the two bickered over Lily’s outfit.

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Lily asked, but it was apparent that she did not. Instead Lily would end up essentially as a doll tonight for Mary and Marlene to fuss over in the name of this being her first ever date.

“I like the green dress.” Marlene kept stating, “It brings out her eyes.”

“But it’s the Slytherin colors.” Mary shook her head. “The white dress is much more neutral.”

Marlene was adamantly against it, “The white dress makes her seem like a bride.”

“I like the purple one.” Lily interjected.

“Not the purple one!” They said at the same time, it seemed the only thing Mary and Marlene could agree upon was not letting Lily choose her outfit.

Marlene and Mary ended up agreeing on Lily’s yellow sweater with Mary’s white skirt and Marlene’s black sneakers. Lily was already running late, but Mary wouldn’t let her leave until she had done some makeup on her.

Lily stumbled out of the portrait hole to find Adrian waiting, he was dressed smartly and simply, with dress slacks and a button down blue shirt. “You look absolutely ravishing.” He beamed at her, and offered his hand like a true gentleman.

“Why, thank you Adrian, you’re rather charming yourself.” Lily returned the compliment. The two teenagers awkwardly made their way to the dungeons. “You’re friends Emmeline?”

Adrian nodded, “Yeah, I was picked on in my first year. Emmeline helped me out, now she’s like a sister to me.”

Lily smiled at this, “That’s very sweet, are you an only child?”

“No, I have a younger sister. But she’s only about five, don’t have much in common with a five-year-old after all.” He laughed. “Do you have any siblings?”

Lily sighed, “An older sister, she’s a muggle.”

Adrian raised an eyebrow, “You’re a muggle-born, right?” Lily gave a hesitant nod, “I’m a pureblood, but my family doesn’t buy into all the supremacy stuff, promise.”

They had arrived at the party before Lily could ask much more about him. Naturally, Severus went right up to them, “Lily, there you are! Was worried you weren’t coming.” Severus was relieved to see her, but then took notice of how she had entered with Adrian.

“Severus, have you met Adrian?” Lily introduced the two with a silent prayer that Severus would be nice.

Adrian held out his hand to shake Severus’ but Severus did not take it and Adrian awkwardly lowered his own. “We’ve got some classes together, Herbology, Astronomy, and Divination.”

“That’s correct.” Severus responded through gritted teeth, “Are you here together?”

“We are, Sev.” Lily answered in a cheery voice despite the annoyance in her eyes. Lily left no room for complaint or argument, “Let’s grab a drink, shall we?” She dragged Adrian away from Severus.

Professor Slughorn came up to Lily rather quickly, “Miss Evans, you must meet the newest addition to the Slug club, almost as good in potions as you. I would imagine you may have a lot to discuss.” Slughorn was always trying to force people to network during his events, which Lily found rather amusing, but she was always willing to converse.

“Well it’s no secret that potions is one of my favorite conversation topics.” Lily beamed at her professor. It was also no secret that Lily was a suck-up to the professor.

“That a girl Miss Evans, you ought to have been in Slytherin.” He said proudly.

Lily laughed, “Lions kill snakes professor, suppose I’m on the winning team.” She joked, and earned a laugh from her professor before Slughorn hurried away to introduce more students to each other.

Lily saw the new addition he was referring to, Regulus Black. Lily felt her heart speed up, and could hardly stop herself from coughing. She had hardly seen Regulus since classes began, and while the avoidance had not been purposeful, she hadn’t made an effort to see him. Especially not after Lily realized she was beginning to develop feelings for the boy.

Regulus smiled coyly at Lily, “Told you I’d make slug club.”

“Indeed you did, way to go Regulus.” Lily couldn’t stop the proud smile.

“Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Adrian Macmillan.” The blonde boy stuck out his hand and Regulus shook it in an extremely formal manner as Lily blushed, having completely forgotten about her date.

Regulus’ face hardened, it often did, whenever she saw him interact with anyone he was unfamiliar with. Regulus feigned an air of utter indifference. “Regulus Black, of the noble house of Black.” Regulus emphasised his family name, which Lily found odd, it seemed an attempt to intimidate Adrian.

Adrian despite his awkward manner, was not scared of Regulus, rather Adrian straightened to mimic Regulus’ perfect posture, becoming inches taller than he had been and now being a head above Regulus. “Well in that case, I am from the noble house of Macmillan. I’m a pureblood too.” Adrian smiled, as if unbothered, but the two boys clearly did not like each other.

Regulus tutted in disapproval, trying to exude authority and nobility, as he always did when he was challenged. “I will let you two return to your previous endeavors. I shall see you soon, Miss Evans?” Regulus had never been so formal with Lily, it took Lily a second to register the words were aimed at her.

“Yes, you shall.” Lily confirmed, feeling out of place all of a sudden.

Adrian chuckled awkwardly, “Those Blacks, nothing but trouble.” Lily raised an eyebrow, “He tried to outrank me, show off his status. Purebloods do it when they want to feel superior.” Adrian shrugged before adding, “Never made much sense to me.” Adrian retreated very easily back into his usual nerdy self. The both of them spent most of the night swept up in a conversation about the differences between powdered lace fly wings and whole lace fly wings. To anyone besides Lily Evans, this would have been an abhorrent conversation, but Lily found the idea fascinating and could have talked about it long after the party had ended. Adrian was very similar in that aspect, the two quickly went back and forth expanding on each other's ideas and opinions. Lily liked Adrian, he was easy and they clicked very well, but they were very similar people.

Chapter Text

Lily had been seeing Adrian for a few weeks, and they got along well. However, their relationship came at the disapproval of Severus and the jealousy of James Potter. Lily felt quite guilty as Adrian had managed to find himself in numerous duels and had been hexed by no less than 6 people the first week they began dating and Lily knew it was because of her. Though it was unclear whether her admirers had done it, or because a pure blood was dating a muggle born, and it appeared to be a mix of the two scenarios.

“He’s got no right to be jealous.” Lily pointed out for the tenth time.

“Well try explaining that to James.” Remus huffed, “He says he’s not gonna do anything to him.”

“There’s no reason for him to! I’ve never even been out with Potter!” Lily rolled her eyes, “We need to set off the dungbombs.”

“Just three days now.” Remus smirked. “They’re gonna get us back for it.”

Lily shook her head, “They won’t know it was us Remus, so long as you can keep your mouth shut.”

“Oh, you know me, always blabbing secrets.” Remus retorted and Lily laughed, “Plus, been avoiding the blokes anyway. Sirius and I can’t seem to have a conversation lately.”

“Why not?”

Remus shrugged, “We keep screaming at each other. Tense, better to remove myself.”

“It’s about Mary, isn’t it? She keeps disappearing with him.” Lily questioned.

Remus scoffed, “Bugger off, Red. Doesn’t matter.” But that was all Lily needed to know that it was exactly why Remus was mad at Sirius.

…

The biggest shock of the year so far was the break-up between Marlene and Dorcas. Marlene, who was ever proud and stubborn, kept insisting that she was entirely fine even though she had been dumped for the first time. Lily began to doubt this when she exited the bathroom the next day having chopped her long blonde hair into a butchered mullet.

“You’re allowed to be upset Mars.” Lily kept repeating.

Marlene would feverishly shake her head, “I’m not upset! I’m fine! I’m completely fine, this is normal and I am being so normal. You’re upset Lily, why are you so upset?”

Lily rolled her eyes, “I wish you would just cry like Mary does.”

“I don’t cry.” Marlene insisted, and Lily struggled to recall a single time she had seen Marlene cry.

Lily was confused, how had she never witnessed her friend crying, “Why not?”

Marlene shrugged, “Don’t see the point in it, I’m never upset.”

“Marlene,” Lily pleaded, “It’s normal to be upset, or angry, or sad.”

“I’m not!” Marlene insisted growing more annoyed, “Whatever, I’m going to meet Potter.”

Over the next few weeks the Gryffindor friend groups would be muddled and mangled beyond all recognition. Marlene would spend an absurd amount of time with James and Peter, making them a trio of sorts. Mary and Sirius were practically inseparable but had been acting more like friends than lovers as of late, to which Lily was increasingly grateful for. This of course, left Lily and Remus to pair off. None of this would have been strange in the slightest, if it weren’t for the mounting tension between the three pairings. Marlene refused to discuss her feelings or her recent break-up with Mary or Lily, who were both adamant that she must have some feelings on the matter. Lily as usual refused to speak to James Potter, unless there was no other choice. But Remus and Sirius also were no longer speaking, when questioned about this Remus would provide as little detail as possible.

“So you’re not speaking to him now?”

Remus shook his head, “He’s an idiot. I can’t deal with it, Red.”

“Thought you fancied him.” Lily muttered.

“I do, it’s why I can’t stand him. Swear we’re turning into you and James.” Remus smirked.

Lily tsked at him, “I do not fancy James Potter. Don’t know how much clearer I can make it, Remus. I have a boyfriend you know.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “You don’t even like him Lily!”

“I like him plenty. He’s very nice, he’s very smart, he’s cute, and he’s well-behaved.” Lily was smug and confident in her reply.

“You’re basically dating yourself but calmer. You need someone with more fire. He’s so bloody boring.”

Lily pouted, “You’re only saying that cause you fancy the most dramatic boy in school.”

“Well, you fancy his brother.” Remus retorted and Lily glanced around the common room feverishly to make sure no one had heard.

Once she was certain that no one had she responded, “Regulus and I are just friends.”

“Please, Red. You’re only not seeing him cause he’s a year younger.” Lily wished that the age had been the only thing stopping her from seeing Regulus. In fact, Lily wished she could even talk to Regulus, but everytime she saw him he was surrounded by pureblood Slytherins and Lily was beginning to wonder if this was by design. She had often seen Mulciber and Avery trailing behind Regulus, but she hadn’t thought of the three being friends in any aspect.

…

Lily had grown very wary of Regulus lately, but she could not help but long to see him. She had asked Pandora about him a few times, and Pandora assured he was fine before babbling on about her latest discoveries in reading music. Pandora was becoming quite adept in choir and her voice was heavenly. Lily wondered if Pandora wouldn’t overtake Charity as the star student. Emmeline had hated Pandora even more than she disliked Charity and was sure to inform Lily of this.

“The only good thing about Rosier is that at least she’s in my house.” Emmeline stated one day, being particularly fed up with Pandora being given a solo.

Lily shook her head, “She’s plenty nice Emmeline, you ought to let her be.”

“You’re too nice Lily, she’s absolutely crazy.” Emmeline insisted, Lily felt guilty when she didn’t stick up for Pandora, but Lily was also certain it would only cause more problems and not serve anyone’s interests.

Choir ended, “Dora!” Lily shouted, causing her to stop, “Can we walk together?”

“I’d like that very much!” The blonde smiled brightly.

“Have you seen Regulus lately?” Lily asked, as she had every choir meeting for the past few weeks.

Pandora nodded, “We have Astronomy together, share a telescope.”

“But have you spoken to him?”

“Yup!” She popped the ‘p’. Her eyes lit up in remembrance for a moment, “He asked me to give you this actually, sorry I completely forgot.” Pandora pulled out a letter with Lily’s name in elegant calligraphy on the envelope.

Lily took the envelope carefully, staring at it for a second, “Thank you Dora.”

“Of course,” Pandora’s smile dropped for a second, “I think you’re good for him Lily, you make him relax. Not many people can do that.” Lily did not understand what Pandora was trying to say, and she did not have time to clarify before Pandora ran off to talk to Sybill Trelawney.

Lily ran to her dorm and wasted no time ripping the letter open.

Lily Evans,
Your presence is requested at the Astronomy Tower tomorrow at 8pm.
Yours,
RAB

…

Lily had been repeating the mantra to herself all evening that she trusted Regulus and that he wouldn’t hurt her. She told no one else where she was going, knowing her friends would advise her against it.

“Regulus?” Lily whispered as she entered the very dark astronomy tower. “Are you in here?” The small but bright light of a wand alerted Lily of Regulus’ whereabouts as she walked towards it, just barely being able to make out his face. “Why are we in here?”

“People won’t look for us here.” Regulus answered plainly, “I didn’t think you would come.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, “Of course, I came. You asked me to.”

“I told you to stay away from me.” He mumbled.

“I told you I wouldn’t.” Lily assured. Regulus was nervous, nearly shaking. “What is it?” Regulus shook his head, his breath shallow, unable to say what he wanted to, “Reg, breathe.”

He was able to even his breathing for a moment, it was much easier when Lily was holding his hands so tightly. “I’m supposed to curse you.”

“Are you going to?” Lily asked, not bothering to reach for her wand. Regulus let go of Lily’s hands and slumped against the wall. Lily followed suit, sitting on the floor beside him, back against the cold stone. “You’re not very good at this whole blood-supremacist thing.” Lily joked, trying to lighten the mood, “Seems our friendship has ruined the whole thing for you.”

Regulus let out a single breathy chuckle, “All bloody Severus’ fault.”

“How so?”

Regulus scoffed, “If he just stood in line wouldn’t have to go after you. There’s a whole system, it’s all stupid.”

Lily shrugged, “You know I don’t understand any of it. The Slytherin pureblood non-sense.”

“He’s trying to overstep, and it looks bad if I let him, and it looks worse if I don’t go after you for it.” Regulus bit his lip, “I’m supposed to hurt you, it’s what my cousins would have done.”

“You’re not your cousins.” Lily reminded him.

Regulus shook his head, “I’m not Sirius either.”

“Of course you’re not, you’re Regulus Black.” Lily answered calmly, it had been the same sentiment Severus had used on Lily thousands of times. But it felt right to say, Lily liked the way his name felt on her tongue, and she could tell by the slight blush that Regulus didn’t mind it. “You’re not going to hex me.” Lily said, completely sure of it.

“What makes you so sure?” Regulus raised an eyebrow skeptically as if he hadn’t made up his mind about it.

“You put your wand away.” Lily pointed out and Regulus looked down at his empty hands to confirm it in his mind.

Regulus leaned his head on Lily’s shoulder, “Why is this so hard Lily?”

“I don’t know, Reg.” Lily answered, they were silent for a moment and Lily breathed in the smell of him. The calming smell of sandalwood and posh hair gel, it made her smiled. But she didn’t let herself stay content in the bliss for long and she let out a long sigh, “I’m going to hex myself, and you’re going to brag about hexing me to Severus.”

“Don’t, Lily I can’t let you.” Regulus shook his head.

Lily smiled at him, “Just a jelly legs jinx, if you want to go over the top we can do levicorpus, dangle me upside down.” Lily offered, “Want it to be believable, we’re worst enemies afterall.”

“Lily, you don’t have to do this.” Regulus’ voice was small, as if he was scared.

“You certainly won’t.” Lily retorted, “And someone has to make sure neither of us get killed by your bloody gang of purebloods.” Lily’s laugh did little ease the tension in Regulus’ body, but she kept a smile on as she performed two hexes on herself and Regulus ran out of the room to draw attention to the matter.

Lily truly believed it was no big deal, she had gotten down in under five minutes since the prefects were doing their rounds. Then she had to spend a night growing back the bones in her legs, but she quite preferred the hospital wing because at least Madame Pomfrey gave her a potion to help Lily sleep through the night. Honestly, it had been the best night sleep Lily had in weeks and she wondered if she should jinx herself more often.

…

It was the night Lily had been waiting for, the full moon. Remus snuck Lily and Mary in earlier that day while the other three were in detention for mouthing off to Slughorn. Lily cast time delayed trigger spells on the two large bags of dung bombs. It was set to go off at midnight, so the boys should be in their room, and hopefully sleeping.

Lily had told Mary and Marlene about the prank and they were absolutely giddy. The three girls camped out in the common room, snuggled together on the couch. It was the first time Lily and Marlene had really spoken in three days, since Marlene was still touchy about her break-up.

“They’re gonna get in trouble for having them.” Mary tutted, still wary of gaining her boyfriend more detention, but excited nonetheless.

Lily shook her head, “Serves them right! Shouldn’t have so many dung bombs.”

“It’s going to be brilliant.” Marlene smiled proudly, “Didn’t know you had it in ya, Evans.”

Exactly as the clock struck midnight the sound of an explosion echoed through Gryffindor tower, the first ones to run out were James, Sirius, and Peter, but they were quickly followed by the second and fourth year boys as well, who must have fallen victim to the horrid smell. Soon the whole of Gryffindor was in the common room.
It smelled rancid in the common room, and Lily could only imagine how awful it had been in the boys room. Marlene had burst out in laughter, and Lily was trying to shush her so it wasn’t too obvious.

James, Sirius, and Peter were bickering loudly. “I didn’t even have any!” Peter whined, “It’s not fair you two caused trouble and did this!”

“Reckon someone’s after Sirius, he’s got the most enemies.” James concluded, trying to erase blame off of himself. “Don’t reckon Remus did it?”

“Mooney would never!” Sirius defended, but then he shot a knowing look at Lily, “Think I know who did though.”

The three boys strode over to the girls. They smelled of shit to put it lightly, Mary plugged her nose, and Lily desperately tried to tan the smell from her face. “Know it was you, Evans.” Sirius declared.

Lily rolled her eyes, “I wouldn’t do something so petulant, what was it anyway?” Lily’s lie seemed to prove effective, as Sirius huffed off despite the same stubborn glare she received.

“I know you wouldn’t do something like this. He doesn’t speak for me.” James smiled awkwardly, before rushing off after Sirius, and Lily couldn’t help but begrudge James’ impression of her as some kind of angel who could do no wrong.

McGonagall came rushing into the common room, hair in curlers, slippers on her feet. “For goodness sake!” She yelled, “Who is responsible?” The entire house pointed towards James, Sirius, and Peter. “Boys, my office. The house elves will be coming through in a second. Hold tight until the smell is gone.”

Chapter Text

James sat pouting in the great hall the next morning, and Lily was perplexed to see him there, he usually practiced flying in the mornings lately. “Feeling alright, Potter?” Lily asked, slightly concerned at his lack of cheer and pep that usually oozed from his every pore.

“Suspended from the team for the week, McGongall thinks it’ll be a worse punishment than detention, especially since I think I’m booked this whole month for detention.” James was frowning, not bothering to eat, just picking at his food.

Lily felt guilty, “That’s rotten, sorry.”

“Suppose it’s warranted weren’t supposed to have the dungbombs, don’t have a game this week anyhow, won’t be missing too much.” James shrugged, trying to give a smile but it was far from genuine.

Lily bit her lip, her heart suddenly pounding, “Know who did it?”

“I think it’s Remus trying to get back at Sirius, they’ve been bickering all year. Sirius thinks it’s you, for the serenading or hexing your boyfriend. Pete thinks it’s Snivellus, but Pete blames everything on him and I don’t think he could get into the tower.” James sighed, “So, who was it? You or Remus?”

“I’ll fess up, get you unsuspended.” Lily mumbled.

James smiled now, “Don’t, it was a right laugh, plus I’ll get you back later.”

“You shouldn’t be suspended from the team though.” Lily countered, wanting to make it right.

“Got suspended for having them, not for them going off. Reckon McGonagall won’t budge on it anyway. Plus, you’ve entered a prank war with The Marauders now, it’s far too late for you Evans.” James’ chipper nature was back, but he held a sinister glint in his eye and was certainly concocting an evil scheme. Lily couldn’t tell whether it was a scheme to make her fall in love with him, or a scheme to get back at her for the previous night. “It was a brilliant prank though.”

“You didn’t think it was me, last night, thought I couldn’t do it?” Lily questioned.

James wasn’t sure how to answer, “You like to act classier and above all our pranks. Should’ve known you had a dark side, you’re friends with Mooney.”

“Mooney?”

“Remus,” James answered, “Call him Mooney, cause of well, you get it I suppose. But you’re tough, I like that about you. Good to know that you’ll roll in the mud too if needed.” James winked.

Lily scoffed, “I’m muggle-born, have to if I want to survive at the posh school.”

James had made it no secret that he admired Lily very much, and everything about him showed it. He often struggled to understand why she didn’t admire him the same way, “Why’d you do it? Why’d you set off the dung bombs?”

It had been weeks since she started planning the prank, she wasn’t sure what had made her so angry this time. Then she remembered, he gave her a book. Surely, that couldn’t have been the reason. The butterbeer he spilled on her, perhaps. “You were jealous.”

“Can you blame me?”

“I can. You have no right James. I’m not yours, you don’t get to mess with Remus for cuddling with me. You certainly don’t get to hex my boyfriend for dating me.” Lily reprimanded him.

“Didn’t really hex him, not badly, just boils. Snivellus did all the bad ones.” James mumbled like a scolded child.

“Don’t call him that.” Lily chastised and James went back to picking at his breakfast, looking like a kicked puppy.

…

“Adrian, are we going to Hogsmeade together this weekend?” Lily asked as they studied together in the library.

Adrian nodded, “We can, if you want.”

Lily shrugged, “I think that’s what we’re supposed to do, since we’re dating.” Lily and Adrian still were not quite sure how the whole dating thing worked, and Lily didn’t think she was very good at it. She liked Adrian, but Marlene’s insistence that he was boring was beginning to prove increasingly true. “What are you writing your Herbology essay on?”

“Nettles.” Adrian replied, “I can help you, if you want.”

Lily shook her head, “No, I think I’ll be okay. Doing mine on puffapods.”

“There are horror stories of you in that class, Hufflepuffs love to tell them.” Adrian laughed.

“I kicked your arse in Transfiguration, so don’t you say a word about it.” Lily warned, with a pointed glare that she dropped after a second, “Plus, my writing is flawless. It’s just my practicals.”

“You know Pandora?” Adrian asked and Lily nodded, “She’s brilliant at Herbology. She could help you with practicals if you asked, she’ll be plenty nice about it.”

“Can’t do it, can’t make myself ask a second year for help.” Lily mumbled, “That’s bloody embarrassing. Plus, I’m doing fine, just have to make it through fifth year and then I never have to touch a plant again.”

“Thought you wanted to be a healer, healers have to get NEWTs in it as well.”

Lily sighed, “I want to do potions, don’t know what to do with it though. Maybe become a professor, but I’m not sure Slughorn will retire anytime soon.”

“You’d be good at that.”

“Think so?” Lily asked, hopefully.

“Of course, you’re brilliant.” Adrian smiled at her, the same awkward smile he always wore. Lily tried very hard to to feel something for Adrian, to get the same feeling that Regulus smiling gave her, or even the annoyance that James’ smile evoked. At the same time, Lily desperately did not want to be single, to make herself a target for James Potter and grant him the satisfaction, but it felt like a bad reason to stay with Adrian. Lily didn’t say anything about it that day.

…

“Yes! Dump him.” Marlene encouraged.

“Mars! This is serious.” Lily whined.

Marlene just smiled wickedly, “I am being serious, you just told me you don’t like him.”

“He’s so nice though.”

“So?” Marlene raised an eyebrow.

Lily groaned exasperated, “Don’t want to break his heart!”

“It’ll be good for him. He’s been hexed about a hundred times by your devoted admirers.” Marlene laughed.

“That’s not funny.”

“It’s a little funny.”

Lily mulled over the tought, “I’ll break-up with him after the winter holidays. I’ll give him another chance, plus I want to let Petunia know all about how I have a boyfriend now.”

“Are you jealous over the ugly bloke your sister is dating? I’ve seen the pictures you know, better off single.”

“Marlene!” Lily reprimanded, but the ensuing laughter caused the scolding to lose any possibility of an impact.

…

Lily had met Severus out on the Hogwarts grounds, though it was beginning to become quite cold and Lily wished she had thought to meet inside the castle instead. Lily was always cold and found herself pressing against Severus for warmth. “We should head inside, it’s freezing out here!” Lily whined.

“It’s not that bad.” Severus insisted, “You’re being dramatic.”

“Fine.” Lily pouted, she had a suspicion that the cold was meant to make her walk closer to Severus, and was slightly begrudged his plan was proving successful. “You keep hexing my boyfriend.” Lily pointed out, a scowl still clear on her face.

“He’s obnoxious. Corrected me in Herbology. Nothing to do with you.” Severus defended himself.

Lily tutted, “You’re a liar.”

“You really want me to be honest?” Severus asked.

If Lily were honest she would say that she wanted Severus to lie to her, to pretend like everything between them was normal, and that he just wanted to be her friend. “Of course I want you to be honest.”

“I don’t like to share you with other people. It’s bad enough you’re in danger because of me, you don’t need to be in danger cause of others too.”

“You heard then?” Lily asked, Severus had been careful not to bring it up.

Severus rolled his eyes, “Of course I heard, Black wouldn’t shut up about it. Thought you were friends.”

“Not anymore.” Lily lied, “What did you even do to make him so mad?”

Severus winced for a moment in pain from the memory, “Told him to stay away from you.”

“That’s not your right, Sev.” Lily chastised.

“Isn’t it?” He questioned boldly.

Lily stepped away from him, letting the cold air wrap around her body. “You’re not my boyfriend.”

“Why not, Lily?”

Lily couldn’t understand the question. Why did she not fancy him? Lily had tried, she had tried to feel the way she did about Adrian, and she didn’t even like Adrian but figured she could one day. She didn't feel that way about Severus, she thought of him as a brother, “Severus, don’t do this.”

“I don’t understand Lily, why don’t you feel the same way about me?” Severus was growing angrier.

Lily couldn’t look him in the eye, “I wish I did. I don’t fancy you, Severus. You’re my friend.”

“It’s rather cruel of you.”

“That’s not fair.” Lily whispered, but Severus had already turned and was beginning to leave.

Lily began the long walk back to the castle, trying not to cry. She was freezing, and the spells and charms she cast felt as though they were very ineffective.

“Evans? What’re you doing out here?” It was James Potter, that came rushing over to her. Without asking permission James put his quidditch jacket around her shoulders. “Godric, you’re turning blue.”

“I’m fine Potter.” Lily mumbled, but it didn’t have the same effect when she was shivering and leaning into his warm touch. “I don’t need you to be my bloody white knight.”

“For Merlin’s sake, stop being righteous for one minute, will you? You look like you’re about to freeze to death.” James’ pep was tainted with worry. “Why are you out here alone?” Lily shook her head, not wanting to answer and give James the satisfaction. “Even on your deathbed, you’re stubborn.” He laughed heartily.

James kept Lily wrapped in his jacket and kept her close to him until they made their way back into the castle. “Thank you, James.” Lily whispered, her teeth having finally stopped chattering.

“Can’t let you die on me, it would make me look bad.” He smiled, and Lily couldn’t help but notice how his own lips were tinged blue.

Lily wasn’t sure what came over her in that moment. Perhaps the cold had impacted her rationale, perhaps it had been the fact that she was staring at his lips, and her own felt so cold. But Lily caved into the urge to kiss him. Her lips crashed against his as if it were a lifeline, and James was far too eager to reciprocate. Everything about it felt right.

Then Lily’s mind returned to her in an instant and she pulled herself away from James Potter. She looked at him for an instant before bolting away to the Gryffindor common room.

Chapter Text

Lily Evans had snogged James Potter. Lily had her first kiss and it was with James Potter. Lily initiated a kiss with James Potter. Lily was still dating Adrian Macmillan. James Potter’s quidditch jacket sat on her bed. Marlene had made many smug comments about it that afternoon and Lily would just glare in response. She had to break up with Adrian now. It wouldn’t be right not to.

This was all James Potter’s fault. Lily hated him. It all had to be James Potter’s fault, if he wasn’t so nice then she wouldn’t have kissed him. If he wasn’t so charming all the time then she wouldn’t be in this sticky situation.

Lily’s mind was racing, her heart was pounding and the worst part was that she wanted to do it again. She had never wanted to kiss anyone before, so of course she would want to kiss bloody James Potter. Her arch nemesis, James Potter.

She had to break up with Adrian, that was her first priority, she would have to find Adrian and then think of a reason, any reason to break up with him. She couldn’t tell him that she kissed James, she should tell him that she kissed James, but she couldn’t. No one could know that she kissed James Potter. No one could ever know that she kissed James Potter. But James knew, of course bloody James knew, and he was sure to tell everyone all about it, Lily was certain of this. So she had to break up with Adrian before James told everyone. Certainly before James told Remus, because Remus would never let her live this down, she could practically hear her friends snide remarks.

Lily was certain she had to be the biggest idiot in the whole of Hogwarts if not the entire wizard world. Who could possibly be stupid enough to kiss James Potter.
Lily rushed out of the Gryffindor tower as fast as she could, she tried to avoid everyone. It was difficult because Remus had been waiting at the bottom of the girl’s stairs, and Lily knew exactly why. But Lily was faster than Remus, especially since she casted a jinx to slow him down the second she saw him.

Lily was panting by the time she made it to the Ravenclaw common room, she didn’t even bother with the door and their stupid riddles. She was glad she wasn’t a Ravenclaw, she was certain she’d never have been able to enter, her wit was not suited for trick questions and loopholes. Lily sat by the door until Emmeline Vance came by, about to enter the common room. “Lily? What are you doing?”

“Can you get Adrian? Please?” Lily asked, biting her lip, nerves getting the better of her. She had never broken up with anyone before.

“Yeah, yeah. I will.” Emmeline said, before entering the door.

Lily had to wait now, she had to wait for only a few minutes, but it felt like forever. Adrian came out of the common room, he clearly knew what was coming. “Hey Lily, everything alright?”

Lily panicked, she didn’t know what to do and she crashed her lips onto Adrian’s. Bloody hell, she didn’t know what had come over her. Then she withdrew from him and immediately admitted, “I did something bad.”

“What?” Adrian was dazed to say the least.

“I kissed James Potter, but I don’t like him, I like you.” Lily rushed out, “I’m really sorry.”

Adrian blinked for a second, clearly confused by the sudden bombardment, and then nodded, “That’s fine. Don’t do it again?”

“Never.” Lily swore, before once again kissing Adrian, in a desperate attempt to scrub away the memory of James’ lips on hers.

Lily thought she might be able to understand why Mary liked snogging Sirius so much, it was kind of fun to kiss Adrian. It was especially fun if Lily closed her eyes and didn’t look at Adrian. It was best when she allowed her mind to wander for a second, and just enjoy being so close to someone, before being brutally snapped back to reality.

…

“Why do you have Potter’s jacket?” Marlene smiled wickedly, Lily ignored the question and kept working on her Transfiguration essay. “Does this mean you finally broke it off with Macmillan?”

“Nope, we’re better than ever.” Lily answered plainly, not looking up and certainly not willing to give Marlene the satisfaction.

Marlene sat beside Lily on the bed and pushed the book away from Lily’s face. “So, you’re dating Adrian, who you swore you’d break up with, and you have Potter’s jacket?”

“A regular Sherlock.” Lily barbed, marking the comment with the usual eye-roll.

Marlene huffed, “I know something happened. You can’t fool me.”

“Suppose we’ll find out.” Lily shrugged. “But I am dating Adrian, we kissed.”

Marlene’s jaw dropped, “Does Mary know?”

Lily shook her head, “Just you so far.”

“Bloody hell, Evans! Your first kiss!” Marlene laughed, “Your first kiss was with the world’s most boring third-year!”

Lily wished that was true, she wished she had only kissed Adrian, that he was her first kiss. Lily tried to reason with herself that kissing James Potter simply did not count, but she had been unable to justify the rationale in her brain. She had made the grave error of kissing James Potter. Lily just tried to laugh off Marlene’s remarks, focus on anything other than the image of James Potter. Bloody James Potter, who she hated, who she abhorred, who was rude to Severus.

Lily listed the reasons in her head over and over why she had to stay far away from James Potter, and consistently felt guilty when she realised she never counted Adrian as a reason to avoid James. But Adrian was safe, he was safe, polite, and, most importantly, he was not James Potter. That was why Lily was dating him, and she reckoned that had to be good enough reason to keep dating him, and not break the poor boys heart.

…

Slughorn’s holiday party had been interesting to say the least. Lily wasn’t quite sure who to talk to, Adrian had been quickly swept away into a conversation about Herbology that Lily had absolutely no interest in. She still hadn’t spoken to Severus since their fight, though it seemed that they fought almost everytime the two of them talked recently. Lily had no plans of speaking to Severus that night either, she planned to delay their reunion until winter break, where they could talk uninterrupted and uninhibited by the necessary social politeness required from the event.

Severus of course, had other plans and quickly attached himself to Lily in hopes of getting her alone. This made Lily increasingly glad when Pandora Rosier was in attendance, and Lily was practically ready to state Pandora as her new best friend for the girl’s ability to talk to her throughout nearly the entire party.

Lily felt almost guilty, as Pandora was exceptionally bright, and Lily had previously thought the girl rather off her rocker until this night. Pandora was a creator, and knew the innerworkings of magic better than any other witch Lily had ever talked to. Pandora was giving Lily a detailed account of how she’d scared the pants off of Flitwick during her Charms lesson, and Lily was tempted to cobble her own spells together.

“You should learn latin, lots of magic is rooted in it.” Pandora pointed out, a bright smile across her face, “My mum made my brother and I learn as kids, didn’t understand why for a long while. Reckon Evan still doesn’t get it.”

“That’s brilliant, I’ve only been able to do potion work and invention, never thought too much about spells.”

“I’m rubbish at Potions, glad my Charms work managed to get me invited. Potions has too much math, too much precision for me. I’m alright at it, but not like Regulus, he’s brilliant.” Pandora smiled and Lily returned the smile, continuing to listen intently to Pandora, absolutely baffled by her casual brilliance mixed with her peculiar nature. Lily was certain that Pandora was so brilliant because she thought so differently from everyone around her, and that was the first time Lily truly understood why she wasn’t in Ravenclaw.

…

Lily had avoided everyone the week leading up to their winter holiday. Lily used the excuse of hanging out with Adrian, which was true. Lily was tutoring Adrian in Transfiguration and he was returning the favor by helping Lily with Divination.

Mary and Marlene had made some snide comments about the quidditch jacket that Lily had yet to return. But Lily had essentially retreated into Ravenclaw, Emmeline found the whole escalation of Lily and Adrian’s relationship rather fascinating and kept asking Lily to tell her every piece of gossip. Pandora clearly knew something was happening, but had often implied it was between Lily and Regulus. To Lily’s utter shock, rumors were not swirling about the kiss. James appeared to not have told anyone, not even Remus and Lily felt slightly bad about hexing him the other day.

Lily sat in a compartment on the train with Adrian, Pandora, and the other Ravenclaw second years. Lily wasn’t particularly good friends with any of them, but she was fascinated by Pandora and was interested in becoming better friends with her, similarly her friends were extremely welcoming and Lily was glad to have a moment away from the increasingly dramatic Gryffindors.

All three of the second years, Pandora, Xenophilius, and Sybill, had been labelled as utter nutjobs, but Lily found them to be rather intelligent, although strange. “Lily, has Sybill read your palm? She’s an expert at divination, a prodigy really. We think she may be a seer.”

Lily laughed, “I’m rubbish at divination. You should help me out.”

“Sybill is saving my grade, does half the predictions for me.” Adrian chuckled, placing an arm around Lily, and she leaned into him.

“Well, let me see your hand.” Sybill carefully adjusted both of her large glasses that gave her an appearance similar to a fish. She held out both of her hands to take Lily’s. Sybill was extremely gentle and delicate, almost like she were caressing the wings of a butterfly. It made Lily shiver and she could practically feel the magic running and flowing between their bodies, she had never felt like this and was instantly inclined to believe anything Sybill said.

Sybill began her examination, “Interesting, certainly. It’s aligned with the air element, so you tend to be restless and more prone to stress. Your headline is very long and abnormally straight, see how it comes clearly and almost completely across your palm. This suggest your very logical and a very traditional thinker, so you subscribe very much to logic and don’t tend to think too much outside the box, but it’s very valued by you, you value your intelligence. Your fate and sun lines do not intersect which suggests that your success is entirely up to luck.” Sybill paused for a moment, studying carefully and once again running her hand over Lily’s, “Your heart line is strange, it begins at your index finger which suggests contentness but deepens at your middle finger, which would suggest restlessness. It’s broken, but almost seems to weave back together, perhaps multiple partners, or perhaps a break with one partner. It’s very long though, so you tend to hold onto relationships, and I would assume that means you’re very loyal.” Sybill paused, adjusting her glasses once more and then dropped Lily’s hand. “That’s all.”

Pandora shook her head, “You didn’t do her life line.”

“I don’t want to.” Sybill insisted.

Lily instantly knew something was wrong here. She was not proficient in divination, but she knew enough to know that it must suggest her life was short. “Everything sounded pretty correct.” Lily smiled, quick to change the topic, “You’re rather good at it.”

Pandora smiled proudly, “Like I said, our girl is a prodigy.”

…

Lily couldn’t focus the rest of the train ride, she was too focused on the idea that she might die young. Lily had never given much thought to the idea. Lily hadn’t even contemplated her own death much, but then she thought of her mother. Had her mother’s lifeline been short? Was divination always correct? Could Lily prevent something written into the palm of her hand? Lily felt the urge to run to McGonagall’s office and bombard her professor with a million questions, but instead the train took her further away from Hogwarts.

Chapter Text

Petunia and Mr. Evans had come to pick Lily up from King’s Cross. Petunia’s discomfort was extremely clear, as it was whenever the two girls opposite worlds collided. Lily was perplexed when she saw Petunia, and more specifically saw Petunia’s dyed blonde hair.

Being home for the holidays was as strange as ever. It was made drastically worse by the fact that it was the first winter holiday without Mrs. Evans. Lily had refused to cry, out of fear it would cause the rest of her small family to follow suit and burst into sobs. There was an unspoken pact between the three not to speak about the blaringly obvious absence of the girls’ mother.

Lily found herself lying on Petunia’s floor. “Tuney, why’d you dye your hair?”

“Don’t call me that.” Petunia cringed.

“I used to call you that. When we were little.” Lily pouted, “I like it.”

Petunia rolled her yes, “You did it before you could pronounce your ‘p’s, don’t bring it back. It’s so childish.”

“You’re no fun, Pet. Could call you Petty, but didn’t think you’d like that one much.” Lily stuck her tongue out.

“At least use Tunia, if you must shorten it.”

Lily shook her head, “Makes you sound like a fish. Like tuna.”

Petunia scoffed, “Pet is fine, whole school calls me Pet.”

“See, I’m not your school. I’m your sister, I should get a special exception, Tuney.”

“Whatever.” Petunia flipped through her magazine lazily.

“Why’d you dye your hair?”

Petunia shrugged, “I wanted to try it. It’s very trendy nowadays. Not that freaks like you would know.”

“You should be a hairdresser, you’d be good at it.” Lily mused.

Petunia sat up on her bed, and closed her magazine. “You mustn’t tell Dad. What I’m about to tell you.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, “What did you do?”

Petunia crossed her arms over her chest, “I didn’t do anything! It’s a good thing.”

“Fine, what is it?”

Petunia lowered her voice, “I’ve been applying to colleges. Been asked to go to a fancy typing school, for secretary work.”

Lily’s eyes widened, “Can we afford it?”

“There’s a company that will pay for all my courses, if I agree to work there once I finish school. All the studying finally paid off, I suppose.” Petunia smiled widely.

Lily nearly tackled her sister in a hug, “Oh, Pet! That’s wonderful!”

“Shhhh.” Petunia hushed her with a laugh, “You can’t tell anyone!”

Lily loosened her grip, allowing herself to look at her sister, “Why not?”

“It’s in London, don’t know how Dad will take it. Scared to leave him alone.” Petunia’s smile began to drop, “I don’t know if I can take it, Lil.”

Lily shook her head, “You have to, you absolutely have to.”

“You know it’s not that easy.” Petunia corrected, “I’m worried about him. He’s worse when you’re not here. I can’t just take off.”

Lily sighed, “I’ll come home.”

Petunia rolled her eyes, “You’re insane. You’ll die if you don’t do your card tricks or whatever it is.”

“I’m being serious.” Lily insisted, “It’s my turn to come home and take care of things.”

“Lily, you’re my baby sister. You never have to take care of things. That’s my job.” Petunia stated without any room for argument. Lily could see in that moment exactly how much her sister had matured, and how scarily similarly Petunia had become to their mother. “I will figure everything out. I’m nearly seventeen, you’re still a baby.”

“I’m almost fourteen!” Lily protested.

“Like I said, a baby. Lil’ Evans.” Petunia teased, ruffling her sisters traffic-cone colored hair.

…

“Remus, don’t say a word.” Was the first thing out of Lily’s mouth when she answered the phone only to be met with her friend practically screeching with laughter. She sat patiently for nearly three minutes just listening to him laugh, unable to put himself together. “Who told you what?”

“This is why you’ve been avoiding me, Red?” He asked, “Cause you snogged Potter?”

“Remus!” Lily nearly screeched into the phone receiver.

Lily didn’t have to see Remus to hear his smile, “So it’s true?”

“If you tell a soul!” Lily threatened.

Remus just kept laughing, “You know me, can’t keep a secret to save my life.”

“Who else did he tell?” Lily groaned.

“He didn’t mean to tell anyone, promise.” Remus said sincerely, “He let it slip, just me, Pete, and Marlene. But I’m sure Marlene told Mary and that’s who you’ve got to worry about.”

Lily dragged her free hand down her face, the whole school would know before they were even back from break if Mary knew.

“Vernon’s going to call any minute! Stop tying up the line!” Petunia shrieked.

“Bugger off Tuney!” Lily yelled back, before returning to her call, “What did James say?”

“What didn’t he say, hasn’t shut up about you, Red.” Remus was clearly begrudging this fact, “Didn’t think it was possible for him to be even more bloody obsessed with you, and yet he manages.”

“Oh no, I’m gonna break his heart.” Lily winced, she felt slightly guilty.

There was a moment of silence on the line, “You don’t like him back?”

“I don’t know.” Lily admitted, “He’s so childish, and he’s an arrogant snob, and he doesn’t like my friends.”

“You mean Snivellus.”

Lily sighed, “I mean Severus. Which is his name, Severus. Don’t understand why you all mess with him so much.”

“You’re joking, you must be.” Remus said in utter disbelief, “You heard the rumor he’s spreading about me lately?”

Lily shook her head before realising he couldn’t see her, “What rumor?”

“He’s telling everyone I’m a werewolf.” Remus said and it took a minute for the information to sink in. Remus was a werewolf, and Severus had figured it out. In itself that was fine, but if Severus was going around telling everyone, then Remus could be kicked out of school, or worse. Remus could be killed for sport, especially with the war starting.

“Remus, no.”

“He deserves whatever he’s got coming from Potter.” Remus mumbled. “Potter’s probably been too nice to him.”

“Remus!” Lily chastised.

“I could be killed Lily, that’s not a prank. It’s not some petty drama, I could be kicked out of school.” Remus reminded, and Lily fell quiet.

Lily sighed, “I’ll talk to him.”

“Don’t.” Remus requested, “What would you even say ‘he’s a werewolf but please please don’t tell anyone’?”

“Fine, Remus.” Lily bit, “If you want to do this alone, then fine. You don’t need my help.”

“Lily, you know that’s not what I meant.” Remus groaned.

Lily rolled her eyes, annoyed now. “Whatever Remus, I’ll see you on the express.”

“You’re that mad?” Remus asked.

Lily took a deep breath, she was annoyed, but she wasn’t mad at Remus. She was mad at everyone, especially herself. “I have to go anyway, or my sister will have my head. Bye Remus, give my love to Marlene.” Lily hung up the phone.

…

Lily and Severus had seen each other for three days in a row, and yet managed to not speak to each other. They just sat in silence, bundled up in their coats. Lily read a book, one on spell creation that Pandora had insisted Lily read, and Severus just sat that, thoughts running wild in his head.

“Lily? Can we talk?” Severus finally asked.

“I’m listening.” Lily shrugged, not bothering to close her book.

Severus sighed, “I saw you kiss him.”

Lily closed her book at this, it was not how she expected the conversation to go, and she felt a pang of guilt. “What?”

“I saw you kiss Potter.”

Lily was speechless. Her mouth felt dry, as she stumbled to find the right words. She blinked rapidly, before shaking her head in a poor attempt to clear it, “That’s none of your business.”

Severus shrugged, “If it’s not my business then you shouldn’t have done it in public.”

“So we’re both mad at each other again.” Lily responded coldly, she could tell he was mad at her, and Lily was certain she could find a million reasons to be mad at Severus, or she would have been able to if her mind could conjure up anything other than the feel of James Potter’s lips on hers. This was all James’ fault. Bloody James. She wasn’t even dating James, she was dating Adrian and she kept having to remind herself of that.

“I’m not mad.” Severus shook his head, “You’re right, you’re not mine. No right to be jealous.”

It was a change in their usual pattern, and Lily found herself sitting straighter, more proper in response. Lily felt very dignified with him agreeing when she had anticipated another screaming match. “Yes, of course.”

“I was going to apologize. Or I suppose I’m apologizing. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so awful about you and Adrian. So I guess that applies to Potter too.” Severus said, though it seemed to almost pain him. “I don’t like fighting with you.”

“I don’t like fighting with you either.” Lily said meekly.

“So are we friends again?”

Lily shook her head, “We’re always friends, even when we’re fighting. I’m still your friend.”

“You’re my only friend Lily, or my only real one.” Severus said, he’d never admitted anything like that before.

“That can’t be true.” Lily shook her head.

Severus shrugged, “Slytherins are weird sometimes. I have house pride, of course. But I’m a half-blood, and so sometimes I’m not as important as I would be.”

“You’re blood status doesn’t matter Sev.” Lily corrected him.

“It does Lily. I don’t want it to. But it does. It’s why you got attacked, cause I’m a half-blood.” Severus was nervous, almost pitiful, but Lily had sworn never to pity Severus, or else she might have confessed to what really happened in the astronomy tower.

“It doesn’t matter to me.” Lily assured and held his hand. They sat under the tree for hours, talking about everything and nothing, and for a while they didn’t dare to talk about school. It felt good, it felt right, it felt like they were children again, even for only a moment, and Lily was racked by the realization that they were only thirteen. Lily couldn’t fathom that this was somehow still her childhood when she felt like she had been so much more naive before magic.

…

The first Christmas without Lily’s mother did not at all feel like Christmas. They didn’t go to church, there was no Christmas tree. It was hardly Christmas and if it weren’t for the gifts it would have been utterly indistinguishable from any other day in the Evans household.

Lily was beginning to see why Petunia was so worried about their father. He was skinnier than Lily had ever seen him, and paler too. Lily strongly doubted that it was just grief doing this to him, and was worried he was sick. Mr. Evans would deny being sick, and would deny grieving either. He seemed to be living only for his daughters, just simply going through the motions. Lily had tried to mention this to Petunia, but Petunia was far too aware of their father’s condition and in fact did not want to discuss it in the slightest.

Lily had never watched someone die, but she could imagine it would likely be very similar to watching her father right now. She knew it to be true when very late on Christmas night she saw her father coughing up blood and trying to hide it. He didn’t know that she saw, and Lily would never dare say what she had seen.

“Dad?”

He shoved the bloody tissue into his pocket, “Hey Lily flower, you doing alright kiddo?”

Lily wasn’t sure how to answer. “I’m okay.” Lily mumbled, she rubbed her neck awkwardly, “Dad, are you feeling okay?”

“Of course, sweetie. Just a cough.” He smiled, and Lily pretended not to see the red tinge to his teeth.

“You’re sure?” Lily questioned, she didn’t want to push, but she needed him to be honest with her.

He nodded, “I’m fine Lily, nothing you need to worry about.”

“Have you talked to Petunia?” Lily asked, wanting to change the topic.

Mr. Evans chuckled, “Are you two fighting again?”

“No, I just think she could use someone to talk to, that’s not me.” Lily smiled softly as her father wrapped her in a hug.

Lily’s father had a way of holding her, as if it would keep her from falling apart at the seems. “I’m so proud of you Lily, never forget that.”

“I won’t, I promise.” True to her word, Lily would never forget it.

Chapter Text

Lily was somehow forced into the boys compartment on the Hogwarts Express. She thought she might strangle Marlene and Mary for abandoning her there as they went to go plan the not-so-secret surprise party, that Lily absolutely knew about. Marlene was certain Lily had no idea, but Mary loudly whispering to Sirius to distract her, had given Lily as much of a hint as she needed.

“You’re awful at this, you guys have one job.” Lily pouted, they had all been awkwardly staring at each other for five minutes since the girls left.

“Right!” James perked up, his eyes had not left Lily the entire time. “How was your holiday?”

“Fine.” Lily sighed, “Hey Pete, got your chessboard?” Lily asked and Peter almost instantly pulled it out with a sly smile. “Gonna beat you this time, I’ve been practicing.”

“Many people have tried, and no one has succeeded.” Peter smiled, chess was his specialty, and Lily knew she wouldn’t really beat him, but she wouldn’t go down without a fight.

James and Sirius kept whispering to each other, Lily was certain they had casted a spell so the other’s couldn’t hear. “Remus, what are they on about?”

Remus shrugged, “I can’t hear them either. Pete can, he’s smiling like mad.”

Peter went bright red, “It’s nothing bad!”

“That’s what they say when it’s something awful.” Remus laughed, “I guess we’re both out of the loop, Red.”

James’ head shot towards Remus, “Don’t call her that.”

“Why not?” Remus asked, having had this conversation with him 20 times, but never in front of Lily. Remus was egging him on.

“It’s rude.” James shrugged.

“Bugger off James, you’re not my defender. Plus Remus is allowed to call me Red, only Remus.” Lily stated pointedly and James sulked slightly.

“Alright, Dandelion.” James said back, with a coy smile, as if he had won.

“Dandelion?” Lily questioned.

Remus rolled his eyes, “It’s his bloody code-name for you. Sirius banned your name from our dorm, everytime someone says ‘Lily Evans’ they get a boil on their face. It’s why Red stuck. James calls you Dandelion.”

“You talked about me that much Potter?” Lily questioned. James turned bright almost as red as Lily’s hair. “Fine, I’ll take the bait, why Dandelion?”

“You’re like Dandelion.” He stated, as if it was obvious.

“I’m a weed?” Lily raised an eyebrow.

James somehow managed to become more flustered, he was normally very confident, but suddenly he was tripping over his words. “You’re resilient. You’re pretty, strong, you can grow and thrive under any conditions and still be graceful.”

“I’m not graceful.” Lily mumbled.

“You are to me.” James smiled his signature bright smile.

“Bloody flirt.” Lily tried her best not to blush. “Anyway, I still have a boyfriend.” Lily reminded James. Peter beat her in their chess match, and all Lily could think was that this was once again, all James Potter’s fault.

James must have been feeling particularly bold, because he asked, “Any nicknames for me?”

To which, Lily responded without hesitation, “Pain in the arse.” This caused roaring laughter from Sirius Black, which made Lily smile proudly.

…

The new semester was filled with James Potter being utterly certain he had a chance with Lily Evans, despite Lily being closer to Adrian than ever. Lily and Adrian were beginning to rival Mary and Sirius in terms of PDA. Lily had taken after Mary and rather enjoyed flaunting her boyfriend around the school. Though, James was still persistent in his pursuit of Lily, which caused James and Adrian to duel publicly, earning both of them an absurd amount of detentions.

James’ new grand romantic gesture was giving Lily a dandelion everyday at breakfast. She was entirely unsure of where he had gotten the collection of small yellow flowers. “How long are you going to do this?” Lily asked James on a quiet Wednesday morning.

“Do what? The flowers?”

“Weeds.” Lily corrected, before continuing, “This whole liking me thing.”

James cocked his head, “Until you give me a reason to stop, I suppose.”

“Haven’t I given you enough reasons? We’re arch enemies.” Lily stated plainly, just James just laughed at this. “I’m being serious.”

“Kiss all your enemies?” He was so smug. Lily wanted to slap him.

“It was a lapse in judgement. Hypothermia messed with my rationale.” Lily retorted. “Plus, I’m dating Macmillan.”

James tried to hide his smile, and to his credit, even bit his lip in a poor attempt to stop himself from the snarky remark he wanted to make, but as per usual, James said it anyway. “Didn’t stop you before.” James winked to emphasize his point, Lily rolled her eyes, absolutely in disbelief that the remark he had tried to stop had managed to be attired cliche.

Lily cast a silencing jinx on James, so that she could eat the rest of her breakfast free from the sound of his voice, and instead buried in her book. Normally when James was silenced by Lily, which had become a regular occurrence in the Gryffindor tower, he just let it go. But he was persistent this morning, and instead got out a piece of parchment and quill to write a note. Before sliding it across to Lily.

‘I still like you.’ was written in scarily neat handwriting for how fast he had managed to write it.

“I still don’t like you.” Lily replied simply, sliding the parchment back across to James.

James scratched out, ‘Unjinx me, and we can talk?’

“You talk plenty, Potter.” Lily answered, taking a last sip of her juice, she didn’t bother for James to finish writing his latest note before she got up to leave. James was nothing if not persistent and followed right behind her, clearly desperate to try and tell her something that Lily was certain was of absolutely zero importance. Lily went to her dorm to escape him, and she woke up Mary and Marlene with her frustrated sighs and gorans from the anguish that is James Potter.

…

Lily’s birthday would never again be a plain and boring affair, and certainly not while James Potter was desperate to convince Lily to fall in love with him. Adrian, who was now determined to best James in grand displays of affection, Adrian gave Lily a golden charm bracelet that played piano music when the charms were twisted slightly. “You didn’t have to!” Lily insisted, as she planted a kiss on Adrian’s cheek.

Remus had as always quietly wished Lily a happy birthday and gave her a small gift of a few pieces of chocolate. As per usual, it was Lily’s favorite part of the day. Their quiet discussion was quickly interrupted by of course, James Potter, who had managed to find the guitar that Remus had insisted he hid. James, with the help of Sirius’ Charms to amplify his voice, led the entire Great Hall in a serenade of Happy Birthday directed towards Lily. He ended it by giving Lily a bouquet of exactly fourteen dandelions. Mary and Marlene had been suspiciously quiet, and even more suspiciously absent.

Mary had charmed a Supreme’s record to play on repeat throughout Gryffindor tower. Lily rather enjoyed it, she was extremely amused, and kept insisting that Remus twirl her around, to which Remus was forced to oblige since it was her birthday.

“I love this song!” Lily kept cheering whenever it would switch to a new song, and Remus would playfully roll his eyes. “I know what you’re doing.” Lily warned.

“What?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Everyone else has been gone all day. Your lot and mine. You’re the distraction.” Lily gave a knowing smirk as Remus shrugged in silent confirmation and Lily laughed, “Spin me!”

That night after dinner, the common room had been completely transformed, there were dancing lights colored pink and purple, fireflies flew around the room and Lily stared in wonder. The whole common room was covered in bright colorful flowers and Lily felt like she was walking into a wonderland. The whole atmosphere was in stark contrast with the raucaus rock music that was nearly deafening. Lily instantly knew that Sirius had been in charge of the music as ‘Fortunate Son’ blared throughout the room.

“Is this all for me?” Lily asked Marlene incrediously, “You didn’t have to!”

“Oh please, it’s nothing really, just months of planning.” Marlene smiled proudly. “Come on, let’s go dance.” Marlene dragged Lily out onto the dance floor.

A sixth year handed Lily a flask of something, and Lily took a swig without hesitation, instantly regretting it when her whole mouth felt bitter, and her throat began to burn. “What did I just drink?” Lily asked Mary.

“Think you just had firewhiskey.” Mary laughed, “Happy birthday!”

Lily felt the whole room spin, she was a little wobbly, and had to sit down. She only sat for a second though before Lily was pulled up to dance once more. Lily hadn’t realised how much she enjoyed dancing, and she absolutely adored being the center of attention in this way, though she would never admit it.

The birthday was a daring change of pace, but Lily was beaming with joy and ecstasy. It had been a great night. The next day, Lily would come to regret all the prior nights decisions, as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the dorm room toilet. Lily swore two things, only one of which she would follow through on. She swore to never drink again, which she broke the very next time Gryffindor threw a party, and she also swore to make a potion to fix whatever this was, which she would get to work on immediately.

Chapter Text

Regulus Black and Lily Evans according to the school, were arch enemies. It was the only logical explanation for their casual cruelty towards each other. However, no one beside Regulus, Lily, and Pandora, knew the truth. Regulus and Lily were consistently meeting in the astronomy tower, at least once a week. It would always end with one of them being ‘hexed’ by the other.

Regulus had set up a telescope, he knew more about the stars than Lily had learned in all her three years at Hogwarts. “Which one is that?” Lily asked.

“That one is Corvus, it’s a crow.” Regulus said softly, “The star, that bright one up top there is Gineah, it’s the tip of the wing.”

“It doesn’t look like a crow.” Lily scrutinised.

Regulus laughed, “I can kind of see it, I think that the older the constellation is, the harder it is to see.”

“So it’s old?”

“Ancient.” He smiled.

Lily perked up, “Where’s yours? Where’s your star?”

Regulus carefully adjusted the telescope, “Right there, heart of the lion.”

“Funny isn’t it?” Lily laughed.

Regulus raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“Gryffindors are lions, you’re the heart of a lion.” Lily smiled almost as brightly as the stars. “You’re brilliant at this.”

“Sirius and I used to go stargazing, when we were little.” Regulus’ voice was quiet. There was silence for just a moment, “Did Sirius tell you?”

Lily was confused, she shook her head, “Sirius doesn’t talk to me much.”

Regulus sighed, “He left us, over break. Ran off to the Potter’s.” Lily didn’t say anything, she wasn’t sure that there was anything to say. “He was supposed to be engaged, and so now I’m engaged instead.”

“What?” Lily asked, she was completely baffled by the sudden shift.

“Euphemia Rowle, pureblood. I think it’s the only one left I’m not related to.” Regulus began to fidget nervously, “Betrothal ceremony is this summer now.” Lily grabbed Regulus’ unsteady hands without a word, and just rubbed her thumbs along his knuckles. “I’m going to be the heir, if Sirius doesn’t get his act together.”

“Do you want to be?” Lily’s voice came out breathy, barely above a whisper.

Regulus shook his head, “No, but I don’t have choice. If Sirius leaves then they’ll never let me.”

Lily hugged Regulus, her hands gripping him tightly, one finding it’s way to his perfectly curled hair. “Run away, with me.”

“Lily, I can’t.” Was all Regulus could muster, and he gripped Lily so tightly she was worried he might break her.

It was one of those rare moments between Lily and Regulus that it didn’t matter who saw them. It was just Lily and Regulus, and nothing else could possibly matter when the two were wrapped in each other’s arms. It was ripped away all too soon, and they both forced themselves to pull away, wincing slightly at the loss.

“It’s my turn to be jinxed.” Regulus muttered.

Lily sighed, “Alright, I’ll get a prefect.” Lily made her way over to the door, and took a glimpse back at Regulus, who had outdone himself this time, turning his own hair purple and doing the jelly-leg jinx. Lily ran out to find the nearest authority.

…

“Severus, you turned the heat too high!” Lily was nearly frantic as she lowered the fire beneath the cauldron, she had been for the past week. She hadn’t managed to see Regulus and it was causing her anxiety to sky-rocket.

Severus rolled his eyes, “It’s not even boiling yet, should have boiled by now.”

“It’s not supposed to boil until we add the spider legs.” Lily corrected. “This is a hard potion, you need to watch it carefully.”

‘Salazar, Lily!” Severus groaned, “I’m watching it. What’s wrong with you today?”

Lily shook her head, trying to become less neurotic, “Nothing’s wrong.” Lily snapped.

Severus raised an eyebrow, knowing that she was definitely lying. “Is it Adrian?”

“My boyfriend has nothing to do with this, Severus.” Lily gritted through her teeth. Her and Adrian had actually had a lovely couple of days together, and Adrian had been adamant about teaching Lily chess strategy, to which she dutifully feigned interest in. “You always blame him for everything.”

“You blame me for everything.” Severus grumbled quietly, Lily knew she wasn’t supposed to have heard the comment, but she did.

Lily looked away from their cauldron, to glare at Severus, “I do not!”

“You totally do.” Severus argued back, “Whatever, we have a potion to work on.”

Lily was now nervous and mad. The potion was definitely the wrong color, and Lily was growing frustrated with it, she desperately wanted to correct it with some more tampering, but Severus stopped her everytime she reached for the ingredients. “Severus! It’s wrong.”

“We followed everything perfectly.” Severus sighed, pushing the ingredients out of Lily’s reach. “Don’t mess with it!”

“Sev, it should be boiling by now.” Lily said through gritted teeth.

Severus rolled his eyes, “Just be patient.”

Lily crossed her arms, absolutely annoyed, she knew she was right, she was always right about these things. Lily was absolutely furious that she wasn’t able to correct the problem. Lily’s anger only rose when in unison, five cauldrons contents caught on fire, including her own. Lily had never had a potion go awry before. Lily had also never hexed Severus before, but there was a first time for everything.

The bats flying out of her friend’s nostrils caused Slughorn to take twenty points from Gryffindor, and also garnered Lily her very first detention.

…

Lily was utterly devastated by getting detention. She no longer held the moral highground above the boys. In fact, now Mary held the moral high ground and Lily couldn’t bear to face the idea that Mary was the rule follower of the group now.

Lily tried her absolute best to blame James Potter for this instance, but she came at an utter loss. She couldn’t even be that mad at Severus, they had followed the instructions exactly, and she didn’t need to hex him. Lily certainly didn’t need to do that painful of a hex. But Lily was rather proud of herself, it was more complex than most of the jinxes she knew and she did feel slightly prideful about it.

Lily reported to Slughorn’s office for detention and he smiled seeing her, but Lily couldn’t help but frown at seeing her company, consisting of Peter, Sirius, and of course, James Potter. They were instructed to clean out all the dirty cauldrons without the use of their wands, Slughorn even went as far as to confiscate them to ensure that they wouldn’t use magic.

“Evans got her first detention!” Peter laughed, a wide grin on his face.

“She’s one of us now.” Sirius teased, elbowing Peter in the ribs.

Lily rolled her eyes, “Bugger off, all of you.” Lily picked up a sponge and a bucket and got straight to work.

“Never thought I’d see the day where you hex Snivellus.” Sirius couldn’t help but continue to poke at and tease Lily.

“Don’t call him that.” Lily gritted, “I’d hex you too if I had my wand.”

“Alright, alright, leave her alone Sirius.” James defended nobally.

Lily glared at James, “I’d hex you too Potter, don’t need you to defend me.”

James did a deep and regal bow that he had no doubt learned in his ballroom dance lessons, “Whatever you wish, my lady.”

Lily ignored him and went back to cleaning the cauldron, or rather, Lily tried to ignore him, until James began to sing to himself. To say that James Potter was a mediocre singer, would be incredibly generous. However, to say that James Potter had the confidence of the world’s best singer, may have been an understatement. Lily wondered if the boy was tonedeaf, and fought between laughing and cringing at every note.

“Bloody hell, James! Shut up, will you?” Sirius pleaded and for a moment Lily almost adored Sirius Black.

Peter groaned, “You know that just makes him louder!” Peter was unfortunately right, and the protests only encouraged James until Slughorn came back in to tell him to pipe down.

With the four of them working, the detention lasted only about 45 minutes, and Lily didn’t find the experience as miserable as she thought it might be. It was quite like doing chores back home, and Lily could easily understand why the marauders would allow themselves to acquire so many detentions.

…

Choir was far noisier in the spring, when the frogs were trying to mate, and Lily was losing her temper again. Lily’s temper had been scarily short-fused lately, and everyone knew it. Lily was at risk of jinxing anyone who annoyed her. The anger coupled with her still persistent anxiety from Regulus was causing Lily’s heart to beat perpetually fast and Lily wondered if she’d be able to die from a heartattack at age fourteen.

“Is Regulus doing okay?” Lily whispered to Pandora during choir, per usual Lily was worried about him.

Pandora shrugged, “Nothing out of the ordinary. Purebloods are crazy.”

“Aren’t you a pureblood?” Lily asked.

Pandora nodded, “I’m crazy too, I’m just sane enough to admit it.”

Lily laughed and was immediately chastised by Flitwick. Pandora had been the only person Lily could talk to without feeling angry. Everytime she was about to be mad at Pandora, she managed to divert Lily into confusion, and Lily was very amused by it. Lily was certain that Pandora was the most empathetic person she had ever met, and often found herself wondering how Pandora could be human.

This was even more startling whenever Pandora was caught talking to her twin brother, Evan, who was almost the exact opposite of her. Evan had a nasty habit of hexing first years for fun, and setting trashcans on fire throughout the school. Lily had asked about it a few times, but it would only lead to Pandora confessing her own tales of arson and crime, and Lily would be instantly shocked by Pandora’s abundantly gray morality.

Chapter Text

The spring of Lily’s third year consisted of exactly one thing, avoiding James Potter at all costs. When Lily was not avoiding James Potter, she and Regulus were pretending to be avoiding each other or hexing each other.

It had become a game of sorts between Lily and Regulus, to hex themselves and blame the other. Lily was shocked when she found out she allegedly hexed Regulus in the restricted section of the library, and that was clearly the reason he had been out of bounds past curfew. It was a challenge to keep a straight face as the rumors made their way to the other, but Pandora was the faithful double agent that would alert them whenever things were getting out of hand.

Lily quite enjoyed keeping Regulus as a secret, she had never had many secrets before and there ws a certain rush she got whenever they were sneaking around the castle, even though they weren’t breaking any rules.

However, most Hogwarts students would claim that Lily Evans never left the library. Remus was often there with her, and would quietly grumble his annoyance at having Adrian study with them lately.

…

Lily laid on the grass, she was knitting a hat for her sister. Petunia would be moving to London this summer, at least according to here recent letter, and Lily wanted to give her something.

“So it’ll just be you home this summer?” Severus asked, flipping carelessly through a copy of the daily prophet.

“Probably, worried though, about my dad.” Lily mused without thinking.

Severus raised an eyebrow, “What’s wrong with your dad?”

“Think he’s sick, won’t admit it though, too stubborn.” Lily mumbled, she trusted Severus with things like this, he was the only one in all of Hogwarts who knew her family.

“You can always come to my house.” Severus offered half-heartedly, “Though, I wouldn’t if I were you.”

“That bad lately?” Lily asked.

Severus just shrugged, “It’s been worse, but I can fight back now, which makes him angrier. Don’t really care, just want him to leave my mum alone.”

“Oh, Sev.” Lily sighed, she couldn’t fight the urge to hug her friend.

Lily expected the usual pleas from Severus not to pity him, but he didn’t make a sound.

Suddenly both Lily and Severus were soaking wet, as if overtaken by a sudden storm, but Lily didn’t have to think twice about who was behind it. Lily especially didn’t have to think about it when she saw James and Peter giggling behind a tree.

“Potter!” Lily yelled.

“Told you I’d get you back, Evans!” He cheered as he sprinted away, very narrowly avoiding the hexes that Severus was throwing at them. Peter was not as lucky and his hair turned bright green.

…

Confetti was thrown around the dorm as Marlene entered to the audacious sound of trumpets and Lily was unsure how Marlene was managing to make the sound appear.

“Bloody hell!” Mary yelled, nearly falling off her bed from the sudden bombardment, “Knock it off!”

Marlene smiled proudly as the trumpets died down, “I have a formal announcement!”

Lily raised an eyebrow, “You’ve been spending too much time with the boys, such theatrics to talk to your roommates.”

“It’s important!” Marlene defended. “Dorcas and I are getting married!”

Lily’s jaw dropped, but Mary beat her to the punch, “Mars, you’re thirteen!”

“Yes, and I am in love!” Marlene announced, another flourish of her wand and more confetti sprayed everywhere.

“Marlene, aren’t you two broken up?” Lily questioned.

“Not anymore, got back together three hours ago!” Marlene smiled, “We’re gonna be married.”

Lily just shook her head, not about to fight Marlene on the issue. Mary was not willing to accept this outcome, “That’s like if Lily married Macmillan, or if I married Sirius!”

“I would be fully supportive!” Marlene lied with as much confidence as James Potter.

Mary threw a pillow at her, “Liar!”

Lily hadn’t thought much about marriage, she didn’t think she’d want to marry Adrian, but she thought she could make it work, if she tried enough. Lily shrugged off the thought, trying hard not to plan out her whole future. “Why don’t you just go back to dating?” Lily asked, very confused by the whole thing.

“I love her!” Marlene exclaimed, and with all the dramatics Lily wondered if Mary and Marlene had switched bodies. Mary got up and was about to leave the room. "Where are you going?”

Mary shrugged, “To break up with Black.”

Lily gawked, she must have been missing something because suddenly Marlene was certain she was engaged, and Mary was going to break up with Sirius after eating his face for months. “Why?”

“I’m bored.” Mary mused, before leaving.

“You two don’t make any sense.” Lily groaned.

Shortly after, there was a screaming match in the common room that alerted all of Gryffindor tower that Sirius Black and Mary Macdonald had broken up for the eighth time this year. Lily was certain they’d be kissing again by the end of the week, they always did.

Marlene was in a glorious daze, and it took a moment before Lily recognized it. “Marlene, did Dorcas give you a potion?”
Marlene thought for a second, “I don’t know, think so.”

“You think so?” Lily questioned.

“The chocolates tasted a bit funny.”

Lily sighed and grabbed Marlene by the hand, “She gave you a love potion, you twat.”

“But I love her!” Marlene whined.

Lily felt like she was babysitting a toddler, “I know you do, but you don’t want to marry her. Let’s get you fixed.”

Marlene had to stay in the hospital ward that night as the potion was slept off. The next day Marlene was flushed with embarrassment and completely torn about what to do. Because, Marlene did still really like Dorcas, but now everything was very muddled for Marlene.

That was the first day Marlene cried in front of Lily, just overwhelmed with the mix of feelings and emotions. “I just don’t know what to do! I love her Lily!” Marlene kept crying.

“I know, Mars. I know.” Lily rubbed her friends back and let Marlene cry. They had barricaded the door, Marlene didn’t want Mary to see. “You could always talk to her about it.”

Marlene shook her head, “I never want to see her again.” Then Marlene cried harder her words were almost incomprehensible, “But I love her! Bloody Slytherins!”

“Bloody Slytherins.” Lily agreed.

…

The final exams were coming up and Mary was utterly determined to best Lily in Charms this year. Mary was practicing non-stop and foregoing almost every other class with the sole purpose of trying to beat Lily in her best subject.

This of course, caused Lily to study even harder than she was used to and it was absolutely intense. The whole dormitory had been charmed and transfigured into various things and it seemed as everything in the room was in perpetual motion. Marlene’s final straw was when Mary had managed to stick Marlene’s pillow to the ceiling.

Mary then agreed to stop touching Marlene’s stuff with magic. But Mary was extremely undeterred in her attempts to best Lily, and it turned into a competition of sorts. Lily felt almost guilty in her relentlessness, as she refused to let Mary best her in the class, but Mary was already beating Lily in Astronomy and Herbology so Lily didn’t feel too bad about it.

…

The train ride was off, mostly because Adrian had insisted on joining the girls in their compartment. Marlene was hell-bent on expressing her disapproval. Marlene would suggest several times since the potion incident that they should all be bachelorettes for the rest of their lives.

“Marlene, be civil.” Lily kept requesting, though Adrian being the polite golden boy that he was didn’t seem to let the remarks phase him.

Adrian just laughed, “I don’t mind, Flower.” Adrian was perfect, Adrian was absolutely perfect to the point where Lily was almost annoyed by it. The nickname had been a new development, and Lily wasn’t sure whether or not she liked it. It felt so plain, it felt like a tease almost. But Lily kept her mouth shut about it, she had no reason to fight with Adrian, because he was always perfect.

Marlene took the notion that Adrian didn’t mind and ran with it. Marlene was practically insulting him to his face, in an attempt to get a rise out of the unusually unbothered boy. Mary helped shut Marlene down by bringing up their summer plans.

Mary and Marlene had decided that the three girls would have the best week ever when they stayed at Marlene’s.

Chapter Text

“You’ll call?” Lily asked nervously. She had never been the only child at home before.

Petunia nodded with a warm smile that caused her eyes to crease slightly, allowing Lily to know that Petunia was sincere, “Of course I will, my flat has a phone.”

Lily couldn’t have anticipated how lonely the summer would feel while her sister was in London. Lily and Petunia were on the phone at least once a day, and they were still sending mail back and forth. Petunia wrote every Monday, and Lily would receive the letters every Wednesday when the mailtruck came at 9am.

Lily hardly saw her father, he was either working or desperately trying to hide his slowly failing body from Lily. Lily wasn’t stupid, she knew what was happening. Lily was all too aware that her father was dying. Petunia knew as well, though Petunia was more resigned to the idea, almost accepting their father’s fate.

Lily had fought with her father begging him to see the doctor, but he wouldn’t. Lily didn’t know whether to beg her father to fight, or just watch him die. Somehow both options felt morbid and she wasn’t sure doctors would even help. Lily couldn’t bear to look at her father without screaming or crying, so she stayed in her room most of the time, trying not to think about anything at all.

…

Lily had been dutifully corresponding with Adrian. Lily wrote almost everyday, with just casual updates on things. Lily never had much to share. Adrian was attending fancy parties and an outrageous amount of pureblood nonsense and drama, Lily couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous.

Remus’ correspondence and calls had been extremely scarce and it was a bit worrying to Lily. Marlene said the war had everyone on edge, and that things were getting worse, especially for people in the Ministry. Nearly all of Lily’s friends had parents who worked for the Ministry of Magic though, so Lily had limited interaction with anyone from the wizarding world.

Lily was confused about it. She didn’t get copies of the daily prophet, and she had zero clue what any of this had meant. Everyone refused to tell her, Lily even caved to write Potter in hopes of getting more information. Potter wrote back hastily, but had not provided any new information, he did however include an obnoxious poem, which Lily tried her hardest to ignore.

…

Lily and Severus sat underneath their tree. “I’ve been trying to make spells, like Pandora does.” Lily mused, lazily fiddling with her wand.

“Has it worked?” Severus asked, he was skeptical of anything to do with the Ravenclaws.

“No.” Lily sighed, “Lucky I haven’t killed anyone.”

“It’s hard to kill someone, those curses are extremely difficult.” Severus shook his head.

Lily turned to him, “Have you tried them? The unforgivables?”

Severus shrugged, “Course, you haven’t?”

Lily’s mouth hung open in shock, “No, who’d you try them on?”

“No one!” Severus defended immediately, “Salazar Lily, didn’t do them on people, tried it on a spider.”

Lily sighed in relief, worried for a moment that Severus had tried to kill someone. “You shouldn’t do that.”

“It’s a spider, not a big deal.”

Lily felt uneasy, “Dark magic, don’t mess around with it.”

“You didn’t have a problem when you were hexing me.” Severus laughed.

“I apologized!” Lily groaned, she had apologized but she didn’t mean it. Her friend was totally fine and had ruined their potion. Lily felt like he deserved it and was certain she’d do it again if she had to. “Whatever, just don’t do the unforgivables.”

“Wasn’t any good at them anyway.” Severus laughed breathily, still finding the whole thing amusing, “Couldn’t even kill a spider.”

“Why’d you try it?” Lily wouldn’t cast the spells, she knew that, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t curious as to whether or not she could. Though she felt it was crueler than just killing the spider outright.

“I wanted to,” Severus shrugged, “It was just a spider.”

“Whatever,” Lily tried to brush off the topic, “Heard about the war?”

“Who hasn’t?” Severus scoffed.

Lily rolled her eyes, “I haven’t. What’s happening?”

“Nothing. People are going missing. A few were found dead. That’s all I can gather.” Severus said it so casually, and Lily couldn’t help but wonder how long this had been happening, how many people were dead.

“All muggle-borns?” Lily asked and Severus nodded. It sent shockwaves down Lily’s spine as it was confirmed. It was horrifying to know, but Lily wasn’t exactly surprised. Lily had always been a target, though Severus had saved her on multiple occasions, and people believed Regulus was doling out Lily’s fair share of bullying for her status. Lily was certain if it wasn’t for her bonds with the Slytherins that she would be much worse off. Lily wasn’t sure how Mary managed, though she had a feeling that Sirius Black had something to do with it.

Lily could feel the sinking feeling in her stomach that she would be in danger this year. That on top of the grief from Lily’s mother, with the slow-occuring death of her father, mixed with the recent absence of Petunia was enough to send Lily into a near catatonic state for most of the summer. Lily had to force herself to go through the motions and she found it difficult to control her anger. She found her temper far shorter and Lily knew it which made her feel guilty instantly after the fact.

Lily tried to think of what her mother would say, something about how every girl goes through this. But that wasn’t true. Most girls were not witches, and most witches were not muggle borns, and most teenage girls didn’t have a dead mom. Lily was outrageously angry at the entire world and she still had to live in it.

…

Leaving the small yellow house she had labelled her childhood home felt like a death sentance. Lily was certain that when she hugged her father good-bye that it would be the last time. Lily would be shocked if he made it until Christmas.

“Please dad, go see a doctor.” Lily begged one last time.

He let out a heavy sigh and Lily had to close her eyes to stop herself from crying, “Lily, I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Lily could hardly speak above a whisper. Her voice came out strained and cracked, trying to choke back the cries that were rising in her throat.
Lily cried in his arms, and for a moment he felt like the father she had always known. Lily didn’t want to let go, but she did.

…

Lily had never felt so conflicted arriving at Marlene’s house. Her face had stale tears that had not quite dried yet. Marlene instantly noticed and Lily warned her, “Don’t mention it.” Before Lily stalked off to the bathroom to clean her face and pretend like everything was absolutely normal and fine.

Mary had arrived before Lily had. Mary had grown quite a bit and looked almost like an adult, Lily couldn’t help but feel like she was always behind Mary in terms of growing up. Mary was only a few weeks older and yet was done growing. Lily was slightly jealous. Marlene on the other hand never seemed to stop growing, and was taller than either of her parents. Lily hadn’t known girls could grow that tall until she met Marlene. Marlene’s hair had also grown out of the choppy mullet, and was not cut into ragged bob. Everything about Marlene’s appearance looked a little messy and Lily couldn’t help but think that it was purposeful.

“How was your summer?” Mary asked.

Lily just shrugged, “Fine.” That was the end of that, Lily shut down anytime anyone had asked about her previous two months.

Remus, as per usual, came crashing into the house to greet Lily. “Can’t keep my girl from me, McKinnon!”

“Remus!” Lily laughed hugging her friend tightly, it was a poorly kept secret that Lily always missed Remus most. Lily couldn’t help but stare at the new scar on his cheek, she unconsciously ran her finger across it. “You must be more careful.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Geez, seen you for one second and you’re already lecturing me.”

The week at Marlene’s was not nearly as hectic as it had been the past two years, there was a startling lack of James Potter, and the Diagon Alley trip was no longer as thrilling now that they frequented Hogsmeade.

If Lily was honest the majority of the week was filled with awkward tip-toeing around certain topics that may cause the girls to either scream or cry. It was utterly infuriating and they were running out of things that were safe to talk about. Marlene had banned any mention of Dorcas as well as the song American Pie, since Mary had rediscovered her passion for the song. Mary had insisted that they shouldn’t talk about the Black brothers and nearly threw a tantrum if anyone mentioned the idea of preparing for classes. Lily didn’t want to talk about Adrian and hear Marlene’s disapproval, and Lily refused to talk about her family. No one wanted to discuss the war, mentioning almost anyone from Hogwarts started a fight, and this left the girls with very little to discuss. It was somewhat reassuring to Lily, the fact that her friends were also very short-tempered lately. It made Lily feel far more sane.

The girls and Peter were made to go to the Potter’s house for dinner the night before they left for school. Remus would not be in attendance due to his unfortunate condition of turning into a raging monster once a month, though he had notably not found it amusing when Lily had likened it to her period.

Lily had been inside of the Potter’s house before, but their grand home had seemed much more reserved when it was crowded with people. Now that there were just a few families, the servants bustling about were far more obvious in the almost garish residence. The regalness of the Potter’s house, or rather mansion, was something that did not come from the magic within it, but rather came from an absurd amount of wealth. Lily had the awful feeling that James’ inheritance would be more money than every generation of the Evans family combined.

Lily added the grand displays of wealth to her list of reasons to despise James Potter. However, Mary disagreed and joked that it was certainly a reason not to despise the boy, and rather a reason to try and marry into the money.

James made his way over to Lily, he was so eager the glasses nearly flew off his face as he ran to greet her. “For you.” He panted, a blush rising on his cheeks, as he held out a bouquet of at least sixty dandelions. Lily didn’t move to take them, she just looked at him perplexed. “One for everyday of summer. Had to keep it up.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Lily shook her head, trying to fight back a laugh but failing.

James let out the breath he was holding nervously, “Anything to see that smile.” He offered the flowers to Lily once again. Lily thought she had half a mind to burn them, but she was in his residence, and although Lily would never admit it she was slightly flattered that James had been thinking about her all summer.

“I still have a boyfriend.” Lily reminded Potter, “A very nice, sweet, smart boyfriend.”

James got the smug look he always got before saying something stupid, “I’m flattered, didn’t know you dumped Macmillan.” He winked.

Lily rolled her eyes. “You’re utterly insufferable. I should hex you.”

“What’s stopping you?” James asked, hoping for a compliment.

“Good question.” Lily smirked, and James immediately sprouted leeks from his ears.

James pulled out one of the leeks only for it to be replaced by another instantly, “I should have seen this coming. I might have walked my way into this one.”

“You think?” Lily raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest.

“What?” He yelled, “I can’t hear you.” This caused Lily to double over in a fit of laughter.

James was pulled away by his mother who quickly undid the hex. Lily swore she heard Mrs. Potter say “Leave that poor girl alone, James.” This of course made Lily laugh harder.

Peter pulled Lily away to play chess at one point, since Peter had already beated everyone else. “Adrian’s been talking my ear off about chess, think I’ll get you this time.” Lily swore, though she still didn’t quite understand how to strategize in chess.

“Macmillan is all talk.” Peter scoffed, moving one of his pawns. “So, what did you do?”

Lily was confused, unsure of what he was saying, “I just moved my knight.”

Peter chuckled, “No, I mean, what did you do that has everyone treating you like you’ll go become a murderer if they upset you?”

“What are you on about?” Lily shook her head, eyes focused intently on the chess board.

“There’s like strict instruction not to mention the war to you.” Peter shrugged, “You really didn’t do anything? Didn’t freak out over it?”

Lily looked up at Peter, Lily was angry now, “From who Pete? Who told you I can’t know things?”

Peter turned pale, and Lily wasn’t sure whether it was because he was about to face her wrath, or because he was about to be beat to a pulp by whoever had told him to keep his mouth shut. “I didn’t- no one.” He stammered.

Lily grinded her teeth, eyes narrowed on the boy, who almost shrunk under her gaze. Lily raised her wand silently, threatening him without so much as saying a word. “All of them!” Peter was quick to reveal, “Bloody hell put that thing down.” He squeaked, but Lily kept her wand raised, “Potter, Lupin, and McKinnon, all three of them.”

Lily lowered her wand. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I was asking you.” Peter shrugged. “Don’t tell anyone I told you.” He pleaded.

Lily sighed, “I won’t, if you won’t.” Lily moved her rook, and smiled ever so slightly, “Checkmate.”

Chapter Text

Lily did not trust a single one of her friends at the present time, with the possible exception of Mary. Though, Lily was absolutely certain Mary didn’t know anymore than she did, Lily was sure of this due to having interrogated Mary about it the same night. Mary wasn’t angry, just confused, and very adamant that her house was much more strict on no-magic than the Evans household was.

Lily hadn’t spoken to Marlene much since she found out they were keeping things from her. Though it had been one night and a stressful morning, so it didn’t seem unusual or out of place. Especially considering that Marlene was doing her typical routine of frantically packing everything last minute.

“Talk to her, Lily.” Mary urged, seeing Lily’s tension that Marlene had been oblivious to. “She can be right thick when you don’t spell out how you feel.”

“Mind your business, Mary.” Lily snapped, knowing instantly that it wasn’t warranted, but Lily couldn’t help it lately. “Sorry, that was harsh.”

“What’s going on with you lately?” Mary questioned, and Lily just shrugged.

“Nothing.”

“You’re an awful liar, Evans.” Mary rolled her eyes, “You can tell me, you know. I can keep a secret.”

Lily shook her head, “It’s no big deal, just family stuff.” Lily hated talking about it, not that she had exactly tried to talk about it, she much preferred to brush the issue aside.

…

“You have prefect duties right?” Marlene asked, as they were getting ready to meet the train.

“Yeah, I won’t be able to sit with you.” Lily said apologetically, though she was glad to have an excuse to avoid talking about her problems.

Lily looked for Remus, he never made her talk about her problems, he quite actually hated talking about problems. Lily found Remus, limping and stiff, she instantly ran over to him, trying to help him walk. Remus accepted the assistance but didn’t look too pleased about it. “Remus, what happened to you?” Lily asked, and Remus gave her a blank stare before it dawned on her, “My mistake.”

“Lily, I am so tired. Please no drama today?” Remus begged, looking as though he had aged significantly.

“I’m never dramatic!” Lily swore.

Remus sighed, “Lily.”

“Sorry.” She mumbled, before whispering, “So, it was bad then?”

“It’s always bad, Red.” Remus was trying hard not to snap at Lily. “Normally I sleep through the aftermath, but I have to go to bloody school.”

“You don’t have to go to the prefect meeting, if you don’t want. I’ll take notes for you. You can get some proper rest.” Lily offered, trying to be helpful.

“Can’t.” Remus said plainly, “Too many people know the rumors, have to at least try and function like a regular person.”

Lily thought Remus looked truly awful, almost on the brink of death, but she knew he was fine. Remus almost looked as awful as Lily’s father did, but her father wasn’t a werewolf, he was dying.

The prefect meeting was rather boring and monotonous. It took up the vast majority of the ride to Hogwarts. It outlined things like patrol shift and duties. But there wasn’t anything that Lily wouldn’t have been able to guess. Lily still felt compelled to take notes, but it was an absent-minded gesture, her hand simply transcribed every spoken word without processing it. So most of the meeting was Lily glancing nervously at Remus, who she was sure would collapse at any moment. When Lily wasn’t worrying about Remus, she was staring at Adrian, who had grown taller over the summer and seemed more sophisticated than he had last year. The two didn’t manage to speak a word to each other during the prefect meeting, and it annoyed Lily.

…

“Lily, Lily!” Marlene frantically waved her hand in front of Lily’s face, causing her to blink rapidly. “You feeling alright?” Lily had been stuck in her own head for the entire feast. She had, of course, paid no attention to the sorting. But even after the overdrawn out ceremony had completed, Lily was still mostly unresponsive to Mary and Marlene.

“I’m fine, Marlene.” Lily said hurriedly, trying to distinguish what was wrong with herself today.

“I think you ought to lie down.” Mary suggested. “You look pale.”

“I always look pale.” Lily grumbled, moving her peas around her plate, she didn’t bother to eat.

“Lils, you don’t seem okay.” Marlene agreed with Mary.

Lily huffed and stood up, “Fine, I’ll head out if you want.”

“That’s not what we said and you know it.” Mary scolded but somewhere in Lily’s short temper, and casual annoyance she got up and left the great hall.

Lily wanted nothing more than to stomp up to the dormitory, throw herself dramatically onto her bed, and blast Carly Simon on the record player.

But Lily didn’t even make it up to her dorm. Lily saw the bright flash and heard a scream, she ran over immediately rushing down the near empty corridors. Lily was quick to draw her wand. There was laughing and Lily swore she recognized the sound. But Lily didn’t give herself time to process the situation before she shot off spells to freeze everyone in place as she examined the situation. It was Severus and Mulciber, hexing a first year, the young seemed to have rapidly growing facial hair.

Lily quickly unfroze the girl. Lily could tell she was a muggle-born. It was shockingly obvious, the robes were askew but what really made it clear was the confusion and still persistent wonderment in the girl’s eyes. Lily couldn’t help but wonder if she had the same look when she was a first-year, and even more so, if Lily still possessed the strangely obvious quality.

“Thank you!” The 11 year old squeaked, “I got turned around and then these boys came-!”

“It’s alright, I’m Lily Evans, a prefect. Here let me take care of that nasty trick.” Lily flicked her wand, the quick counter-jinx was enough to fix the girls hair issues. “Are you hurt?” The girl shook her head. “Do you know your house?”

“Hufflepuff.”

Lily nodded, “They should be in the great hall still. Straight down the main corridor. Your prefects or any of the professors should be able to help you if you get turned around again.” Lily offered a warm smile, knowing there was not much else she could do.

Once Lily deemed the first year to be safely out of firing distance, she unfroze the two fourth years. “I’m giving you both detentions. Slughorn will hear about this.” Lily glowered at Severus, utterly disappointed in him.

Mulciber just laughed, “I’m not taking any of this from you, mudblood.”

Mudblood, it had been why they hexed the first year. It had been why Lily was hexed when she was a first year. A chill ran down her spine when she heard it. The word had a way of ringing on her ears, hanging in the air like bullet about to strike.

Lily’s throat went dry as she blinked her mind back to her, it only took a moment before her anger set it. She had to restrain herself from hexing him right then and there, but Lily knew better. She had to set an example. “I quite frankly, don’t care if you do or don’t, Mulciber. You won’t learn your lesson anyway. But I’d appreciate it if you at least picked on people who knew at least basic spells to defend themselves. This is pathetic.” Mulciber went to hex her, but Lily blocked it. “That’s a second detention. I’m faster than you, shall we go another round?”

“Watch your tongue mudblood. One day I’ll make sure you lose it.” Mulciber hissed what Lily hoped was an empty threat before he left.

Severus stayed there, just staring at Lily, “I’m sorry.” He hardly whispered the words, and if it wasn’t for the movement of his mouth, Lily wouldn’t have caught them at all. He was going to say something else, but Lily didn’t feel like hearing it.

Lily turned on her heel, she quickly reported the incident to Slughorn before making her way to the dorm. Lily was fuming with anger but now there was a target she could despise with her whole being. When Lily got into the dorm Mary and Marlene were already there, “Godric, where were you?” Mary asked Lily, they had clearly been expecting her about ten minutes ago.

Lily recounted every detail of her encounter with Mulciber and Severus. Lily thought she was mad, but it was nothing near the scathing wrath that she saw in Mary.

“I’m going to hex them.” Mary swore, “Those fuckers.”

“Mary!” Lily was shocked, she’d never heard Mary swear before.

“I’m not a saint Lily, calm down. They are fuckers after all. Deserve to be hexed, picking on a first year.”

Lily sighed, “I didn’t think Severus would do it.”

“Alright, let’s go.” Marlene said, standing up.

“Go where?” Lily asked.

Marlene shrugged, “Slytherin Common Room, or as far in as we can get.”

“I like this idea.” Mary smiled wickedly, “Should we get the boys?”

Marlene scoffed, “They’ll get us caught, we can do better than they could.”

Lily started to interject, “No, we can’t just-”

“Why not? They deserve it!” Mary was quick to counter.

Lily sighed, “What are we going to do?”

Marlene was nearly giddy with joy, “Hair growth hex I reckon, tit for tat.”

Lily, Mary, and Marlene all casted invisibility charms on themselves to sneak down the corridor and to the dungeons. Getting to the dungeons was easy enough, especially considering that curfew wasn’t for another ten minutes so they technically weren’t doing anything wrong. Figuring out how to get into the Slytherin Common Room was far more difficult than the girls had anticipated.

There was no one entering or exiting the common room. It wasn’t surprising considering that most students were probably unpacking. So they were forced to stand there in awkward silence, hoping that the other two girls were also there. It was very difficult to tell because they were entirely invisible afterall.

“Can’t we just charm the door open?” Mary whispered.

“No, charms don’t work on the house entrances.” Lily answered. “Should we just go?”

“Someone had to leave eventually.” Marlene sighed, “We can wait.”

They luckily didn’t have to wait long, as a clearly tipsy sixth year said the password to the door, allowing Lily, Mary, and Marlene to sneak in behind him. The Slytherin Common Room was dark and the only lights were candles emitting a soft yellowish glow along the walls. It was far quieter than the Gryffindor common room had ever been, even though it was filled with people, everyone seemed to speak in hushed tones, keeping their groups closed off to each other.

It had been easy to spot the group Severus was a part of, it was by far the biggest. Arguably the proudest as well as they were directly in front of the fireplace taking up far more couches and chairs than their group needed. Lily was surprised when she saw who was commanding the group. It was none other than Regulus Black, his hair shined from the light as his curls were attempted to be controlled by hair gel. Regulus was no longer the shy boy she had once met in the library two years ago, he stood taller and his shoulders back. He was taller as well, likely having surpassed Lily’s height over the summer. Lily wished she could talk to him, even see him better, or rather have him see her. Lily knew she should know better, than to associate with Regulus after all this time, and especially with the mysterious happenings of the current war, but there was something about the Slytherin boy that drew her in and almost taunted her.

Lily’s thoughts were cut off by two spells whirring past her, lighting the whole room with a blue-ish hue for just a second, before landing on Snape and Mulciber. The two boys immediately began growing facial hair at a rapid pace, and Lily knew that was her cue to take off running.

The girls sprinted out of the Slytherin dorms, knocking into people as they went and trying hard not to laugh. They continued their sprint down the hall, their invisibility dwindling to an end along the way, and they managed to make it to their own house just in time. Mary and Marlene immediately bursts into fits of laughter as Lily panted to catch her breath.

“Bloody brilliant!” Marlene cheered as Mary began a short coughing fit from the exertion mixed with laughter.

Sirius Black was the first one to approach the girls, a skeptical look on his face, though most of the people in the crowded common room were looking at the girls, considering their racket. “What were you lot doing out past curfew?”

“Only ten minutes!” Marlene defended, “We got distracted is all.”

“Bloody brilliant!” Sirius mocked her. “What did you lot do?”

It was Lily’s turn, she had been preparing for this very moment, with a proud smile on her face, “Ask us no questions, we’ll tell you no lies.”

Sirius Black rolled his eyes and stormed off, coming back a moment later with Remus to try and get them to spill the details, but the girls didn’t say so much as a word on the matter, and headed up to their dormitory.

Chapter Text

“I know you did it.” Severus whispered.

Lily rolled her eyes, “What did I do, Sev?”

“You hexed me last night.”

“Did I?” Lily smirked, “I don’t recall.”

“If you didn’t then you told someone what we were doing. Got hexed last night, rapid hair growth.”

“Sounds like you deserved it.”

“You would know, wouldn’t you?” Severus shrugged.

Lily couldn’t take it anymore, “I should hex you right now. You’ve got a lot of nerve and not a single backbone.”

“You got me back for it, I apologized, can’t we be even now?” Severus pleaded, but Lily’s harsh gaze was enough of an answer before it ever left her lips.

“No, it’s not me who you should apologize to.” Lily snapped, “I have half a mind to partner with Remus this year.”

Severus rolled his eyes, “Bloody dog doesn’t know how to read a recipe.”

“He’s not a dog.” Lily spat, before turning and taking her work over to Remus’ table. “I’m working with you this year.” Lily didn’t offer room for argument as she told Remus this.

Remus looked towards Peter nervously, and Peter sighed, “Fine, but if I end up with Snivellus I’ll hex both of you!”

Lily took Peter’s set without another word, her teeth clenched so hard in her anger that Remus worried Lily might crack them. “What did he do?”

“Hexed a first year.”

“Oh,” Remus knew Lily was hexed in her first year, he had saved her. Lily could see the recognition flash over him, “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I can’t just never speak to him again.”

“Why not?” Remus asked, Marlene had posed the same question, so had Mary, and Lily was certain she’d hear it many more times in her relationship with Severus.

So Lily answered the same way she always did, with a simple shrug and saying, “I just can’t, it’s not that easy.”

It had always been complicated, though she thought it shouldn’t be. When she was ten Severus was her only friend. When Lily was eleven she had needed him to survive Hogwarts. When Lily was twelve Severus had let her run away to him, hide from her sister. When Lily was thirteen and her mother died, Severus was there, holding her hand. Lily couldn’t fathom throwing everything away, he was her best friend. She fought with Severus, sometimes she even thought she hated him, but she was certain she’d always forgive him. She had to, he was Severus and she was Lily, it was what they did. Lily owed him, she figured that she owed Severus far more than she was capable of giving.

But right now, they couldn’t be Potions partners, because he hexed a first year, and more importantly, he hexed a muggle-born first year. He had let Mulciber say that word, the word that haunted her since the first time she heard it, mocking the status that simultaneously defined and jeopardized her life.

Remus nodded, Remus didn’t understand, but he didn’t have to. That’s why they got on so well. “So Red, are you the reason I’ve got detention?”

“What?”

“Marauders and I are in trouble for breaking into the Slytherin Common Room and hexing our dear friend Snivellus.” Remus laughed, “Naturally, we’re innocent as always. Sirius swore it was your lots doing, owe him a sickle.”

“Yeah, it might have been Mars’ idea.” Lily tried not to smile, as class began.

Amortentia, the most powerful love potion in existence, was the topic of discussion. Lily recognised it instantly from the unique sheen of the liquid. She breathed out of her mouth, nervous to smell it.

“What does it smell like?” Remus asked.

Lily hesitantly took a whiff of the potion. She couldn’t tell what it was at first, but then the scent was so overpowering it nearly burnt her nostrils. But of course, that couldn’t be the potion, amortentia was supposed to smell pleasant. “Can’t tell, James is standing too close. His stupid cologne has been bothering me all class.” Lily dismissed. She wasn’t about to mention the clear smell of Regulus’ fancy hair gel, but James’ scent of his overdoused cologne was obnoxious as it flooded her nose.

“Lily-” Remus laughed.

Lily recognised her error the second that James Potter walked in the room, twenty minutes late to class, immediately stating, “Sorry Professor, I have a note from McGonagall!”

Slughorn begrudgingly took the note, “Well, you can go first then, what do you smell in this potion?”

“Broom polish, sea salt, and Lily Evans.” James did not hesitate for a moment. Lily was certain he didn’t understand what he was implying, but she was also certain that if he did he would remain as instinctive in his answer.

The class burst into laughter, and Lily thought she might die of embarrassment on the spot. Not only had James just unknowingly declared his true love for her, Lily had confessed to Remus she cared for Potter. Lily had smelled James. Lily had smelled James’ cologne, Regulus’ hair gel, and she swore she was having a demented nightmare as she examined the smell even further and came up with nothing but dandelions.

Lily tried to reason with herself that perhaps she just really liked the scent of James’ cologne, but it was an obvious lie, the cologne was as obnoxious as he was, the scent bombarded anyone who dared to step too close.

“Remus, what do you smell?” Lily asked trying to distract herself as they took notes and observed the potion.

“Wet dog.” Remus smirked.

“Remus, I’m serious.” Lily stated plainly, which resulted in near cackles from her friend.

“That’s what I smell!” He whispered, still laughing.

“What?”

Remus’ laughter died out with a sharp glare from Slughorn, “I smell Sirius.”

Lily sighed, “The two of us, both hopeless romantics.”

Remus eyed Lily before correcting her, “You’re not romantic in the slightest, or you would have dumped your boyfriend.”

“Leave him out of this.” Lily mumbled, “He’s already in over his head.”

“You’re gonna break up with him then?” Remus asked.

Lily shrugged, “I don’t want to, I like him.”

“Lily, it’s fine.” Remus swore, “He’ll thank you for it later.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “He’ll be heartbroken Remus.”

“Lily.” Remus waited until Lily looked him in the eyes, “Adrian is queer.”

Lily’s eyes widened, “Remus! You can’t just assume that about people. Plus, he asked me out.”

“He’s definitely queer.”

“How do you know?” Lily pressed.

Remus shrugged, “I just know. Trust me on this one.” Lily never backed down, she was bloody stubborn, she kept pushing until Remus admitted it, “He asked me out.”

Lily dropped her quill in complete shock. “Godric.” She breathed and picked her quill back up, banging her head on the table in the process. “You didn’t tell me?”

“How could I tell you that? What should I say? ‘Oy, Red, your boyfriend wants to snog me’. Would’ve gone off like a led balloon.” Remus had a point, though Lily didn’t want to admit it. “Plus, it’s bad enough I just told you, not something you’re supposed to go around telling anyone.”

“Well, I understand, I suppose.” Lily did not understand, but she wanted to, desperately. “I should break things off then.” Lily said and Remus nodded his approval, “Last time I went to break up with him, I snogged him.” Lily wasn’t sure why she was admitting it, but it felt good to say aloud, her near secret shame. She shifted the conversation, to the thing that had been looming over all of Hogwarts like a cloud, and hovering around her like a fly, “Remus, tell me about the war.”

“Lily, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Remus pursed his lips, “It’s bad, it’s really bad. I don’t want to worry you. James made us all swear not to tell you and Macdonald.”

“Bloody Potter. I hate him.” Lily huffed.

“No, actually you love him.” Remus teased.

Lily rolled her eyes, “You have to tell me, it’s not summer anymore.”

Remus nodded and drew a long breath, “They’re killing muggle-borns, it’s awful. They weren’t killing them before.”

“You think they’ll go after Mary?” Lily paused realizing it wasn’t just about Mary, “You think they’ll go after me?”

“I don’t know.” Remus stared at the potion, not looking Lily in the eyes. “They took out a whole family. Apparently a young girl had just gotten her Hogwarts letter. They killed the whole family.”

Lily knew now why they hadn’t told her, cause she wish she didn’t know.

…

Breaking up with Adrian was difficult. Because contrary to Remus’ belief, Adrian was heartbroken. Lily tried to be gentle as she broke the news, but it was very difficult, and Lily was slightly too blunt to be soft in this manner. There were lots of tears, and Lily tried to assure him that it wasn’t his fault at all. Lily outright blamed James Potter at one point in the speech. But mostly, Lily rubbed his back and let him cry.

When the news made its way to Emmeline she was quick to question Lily on it. “Poor bloke cried for days.”

“It was hardly four hours ago, don’t lie.” Lily rolled her eyes. “Plus, he didn’t really like me. We did amortentia, I smelled someone else, couldn’t lead him on any longer.”

“The whole amortentia is true love thing is a load of hogwash. It doesn’t mean your soulmates.” Emmeline swore, but Lily disagreed in silence.

“Still, he’s not even in my top three. Still not fair.” Lily defended.

“Evans, the heartbreaker. First Potter, now Macmillan.” Emmeline laughed, poking Lily in the ribs.

Lily tried to ignore Emmeline’s comments, Lily tried even harder when Emmeline mentioned wanting to kiss Sirius. Lahr nearly ran to Mary once a hour had ended, “Mary are you and Sirius back together?”

Mary shook her head, “No, I’m talking to a Hufflepuff sixth year right now. Don’t recall his name.”

“You don’t know his name?”

“Don’t get on a high horse about it! Only talked for two days!” Mary scoffed. “But no, I’m never snogging Black again, he’s an arse.”

“We’re all single then.” Lily sighed.

“You really did it this time?” Mary hardly believed it, Lily had been saying she would break up with him since they started dating.

“Oh shut up.” Lily rolled her eyes.

Marlene was ecstatic about this news of the break-up. “We’re all bachlorettes! No one can date anyone for at least a week.” Marlene declared, “We’ll rule the whole school.”

“What are you on about?” Lily laughed.

“We’ve ought to throw a party!” Marlene beamed, “We can dance and kiss whoever we want, cause we’re all single.”

Mary laughed, “Lily was doing that while she was dating Adrian anyway.”

“Mary!” Lily was scandalized, “You knew!”

“Lily, you never gave Potter’s jacket back.” Mary laughed, “We all knew, you and Potter aren’t subtle people.”

Lily groaned, “Fine, we can throw a party.”

Chapter Text

Professor Horace Slughorn had made it absolutely no secret that Lily Evans was one of his favorite students. If anyone boasted this fact more than Slughorn, it was Lily Evans, and if anyone was more vocal than Lily about it, it would have to be Mary Macdonald on behalf of her friend.

“You could do that, easy.” Mary laughed, as Lily was explaining the different ways to brew love potions.

Lily shook her head, “They’re complicated, and I don’t need to make anyone fall in love with me.”

“You could do it though, if you wanted.” Mary smiled, and Lily knew her friend was about to ask for something. “Since you’re the best at potions, and you’re so smart, and sweet, and amazing. You’re really the best friend a girl could ask for-”

“Spit it out Mary.”

Mary put on her sweetest face, “Well, you know Felix Felicis?”

“Mary, those ingredients cost a fortune.” Lily gawked.

“But you could do it?”

Lily sighed, “If I had the ingredients, maybe, but it would take at least six months, and if it gets messed up it’s positively lethal.”

“So you wouldn’t do it?” Mary asked, a small pout forming on her lips.

“Why do you need it?”

Mary shrugged, “Think it would be neat, to get whatever you want for a day.”

“That’s an awful reason.” Lily snickered.

“I don’t think so.” Mary huffed out, crossing her arms, “You’re not the least bit curious?”

Lily could not care less about the effects the potion might have. But Lily was extremely intrigued by the challenge of brewing the extremely difficult potion. “If you get the things, I’ll brew it.”

“That’s my best friend!” Mary cheered, “Marlene and I will get right on it.”

Lily laughed, “You’ve roped McKinnon into it!”

“It was her idea! But we knew you’d say no if she asked.” Mary smiled innocently, “But you’ve agreed! No take backs!”

…

When the usual pastel purple letter arrived from her sister, Lily was no longer interested in the frivolous challenge of potions. Her attention was instead turned towards her father. Lily knew that healing potions may very well cure whatever he had happening. Lily began this task as she always did, studying ferociously in the library.

Book upon book of potion recipes, then she read on various illnesses that may have her fathers symptoms. Lily read anything she thought may prove useful. She had recruited Remus to the project as well, but he was on the more skeptical side of things.

“It’s illegal, you know.” Remus informed, as he had for the past few days.

“It shouldn’t be.” Lily insisted, as she had for the past few days.

The two went back and forth on the issue, it was one of their very few disagreements. “Red, you’ll get caught. Plus, sudden exposure to magic could be bad, not to mention, these potions are complex, you could hurt him.”

“My potions are flawless.” Lily defended.

“It’s gonna land you in prison. Risking exposure like that.” Remus was clearly trying to help, but Lily just rolled her eyes at him. “I’m serious, I can’t let you go to jail.”

Lily sighed, “I can’t let my dad die, not like this. Not when I know I can help him.”The only doubt was whether or not Lily was capable of brewing the complex potions afterall, they were several levels ahead of anything she’d ever done, and if they went awry she might suffer grave consequences for it.

…

“Professor?” Lily asked as she entered Slughorn’s office.

Slughorn looked up from his desk, “Miss Evans! What can I do for you?”

Lily smiled politely, “I was wondering if we were allowed to brew potions for personal use?”

He set down the quill he was using to grade papers, “The answer is entirely dependent on what are you planning to brew.”

“Healing potions.” Lily stated, without a hint of hesitation. It was an earnest answer, though she neglected to state she would be sending them to the muggle world without any documentation. It would be a first class offense, and Lily knew that.

Slughorn smiled at her, almost prideful. “You’re very bright, there shouldn’t be any need for extra practice on your part.”

“I’d like to practice things above the fourth year curriculum.” Lily was curt in her answers.

Slughorn raised an eyebrow, and considered the request for a moment. “Potions can be extremely dangerous if brewed incorrectly. It’s best to have supervision.” Slughorn stated and Lily opened her mouth to disagree, “That being said, I have complete faith in your potions ability. You’ve got a natural for it. So I’ll strike you a deal, if you agree to brew some of the example potions for the underclassmen, then you can help yourself to the space. However, you must purchase your own ingredients for any personal projects.”

“Thank you, Professor Slughorn!” Lily beamed at him, “You won’t regret this, I promise.”

“I best not, now off you go.” Slughorn smiled at the young girl as he returned to his grading.

Lily would be found in the potions classroom almost as frequently as she was seen in the library. She had spent almost all her allowance on various potions ingredients, and was taking notes at a feverish rate. Lily brewed so many potions that Slughorn began gaving Lily extra tasks in exchange for potion ingredients. Sometimes Lily would be tasked to take stock of all the inventory in exchange for some dried nettles, other times she would clean cauldrons for mandrake root. Slughorn admired Lily’s dedication and if there was any doubt who his favorite student was, it was soon put to rest. Within weeks Lily had been brought up as an example of a model student and potion maker in every single class. If there ever was a teacher’s pet, it was Lily Evans.

Severus was not particularly happy about being surpassed by his friend, and it caused them to be great academic rivals. Severus was quick to strike a similar deal with Slughorn, but it was not regarded as genuinely as Lily’s had been, so while Severus had procured the work space, he did not hold the same title of ‘teacher’s pet’. Severus and Lily were back to being friends, if not entirely because of their forced proximity.

“What are you trying to brew?” Severus eyed the strange concoction. Lily’s cauldron had been nearly foaming.

Lily shrugged, “Don’t have a name for it yet. If I do it right it should stop excessive blood clotting.”

“You’re not using a recipe?” Severus squinted in a struggle to understand.

“If Pandora can make up spells, then I should be able to make up a potion.” Lily was extremely confident that she would be able to do it, though she was also very worried about making sure the ingredient ratios were correct. Lily had spent nearly two weeks trying to calculate a recipe, but it had all gone awry when the color was entirely different than anticipated. “It’ll either be brilliant, or I will die in the process. So let’s hope for success.”

“Don’t kill yourself, please.”

“It’s not my intention!” Lily defended, “It’s a difficult process.”

Severus laughed, “You’re nuts. Silly Lily.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Knock it off or I’ll call you Snivellus!”

“Ouch.” Severus laughed, “How heartless!”

Lily smiled, before teasing him again, “I have to be to hang out with you.”

…

As the potions were finished, she sent small vials to her father. He had been extremely skeptical at first, but ultimately decided to test them. Mr. Evans swore it made him feel ten years younger and that his daughter was a talented miracle worker. Lily did not trust her father in this aspect so she had written to Petunia about it.

According to Petunia’s letter’s he was doing much better, though she worried it was just treating the symptoms, not the cause. Though of course, everyone knew the cause, and the death of Mrs. Evans was utterly irreversible according to every book Lily could find on the matter. So if Mr. Evans were truly dying of a broken heart, there would be no cure, and the Evans’ sisters were all too aware of this.

Chapter Text

The Gryffindor house loved one thing above all else, quidditch. This was only rivaled by their love of the quidditch after-parties, so naturally everyone was more than willing to pitch in when Marlene had suggested an after party for the first match of the year, even though the match was between Hufflepuff and Slytherin, and Gryffindor wasn’t playing.

Lily helped set up for the party, charming the lights, and pickingout records to play. Lily did not remember a single moment from the actual party.

Lily woke up on the couch of the common room, still fully clothed. Her head pounding as she ran to her dorm to vomit her guts out in the toilet. Lily felt awful, stupid, and guilty. She reckoned she must be an awful prefect, to get black-out drunk at fourteen. She could only make out flashes of the previous night, Remus handing her a drink, Peter topless, a sixth year giving her a smoke, dancing with Mary, and kissing Sirius. “Shit.” Lily mumbled to herself, knowing she had messed up.

Lily fumbled around her trunk, she had something to help, she had taken it from Slughorn’s classroom. She grabbed the small vial and downed it in one gulp. Her headache melted away, and Lily was able to breathe for a moment. Though, she still did not remember the vast majority of the previous night.

For possibly the first time ever, Lily was the last one down at breakfast. “There she is!” Marlene laughed, “Rough night?”

“Shhh, not so loud.” Mary whined, she was in the worst state of the whole lot.

“What happened last night, Mars?” Lily asked.

Marlene shrugged, “I hardly saw you. You were with the boys all night.”

“I don’t remember a thing.” Lily groaned.

Marlene laughed, “That’s why you don’t let Remus pour you drinks, he’s heavy handed.”

“Have you had drinks with Remus before?” Lily raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, stole his dad’s liquor this summer. Me, Remus, and Pete, James doesn’t drink.”

Lily shook her head, “Yes he does.”

“No, he doesn’t. His father only drinks wine, and James doesn’t do anything his dad doesn’t approve of.” Marlene smiled.

Lily scowled at her plate, was she less responsible than James Potter? Was James Potter bloody perfect? She wanted to hex him, but he truly hadn’t done anything this time.

“I should confess, right? Get my prefect status revoked?” Lily wondered.

Marlene rolled her eyes at this, “And give it to who? Mary and I aren’t any better. Plus, I think every single prefect was there last night. Don’t beat yourself up over it, you had fun!”

“I don’t know if I did.” Lily pushed her plate away and put her head down on the table, “Never drinking with Remus again.”

…

Lily had prefect rounds the night after the party, and Remus was still in very rough shape, he looked worse than he did after a transformation, but then again he hadn’t had a medi-witch doting on him. His limp was more pronounced than it typically was and he was having a rough time with the moving staircases. “You should see Pomfrey for that. I bet she can help you.”

“Mind your own business.” He gritted back, he was clearly in pain, so Lily let it slide.

Lily had brewed something for aches the other day, “Blue vial, under my bed. Tell Marlene or Mary to grab it.”

“What is it?” Remus asked, very nervously.

“Pain relief tonic. It’s excellent quality, made by the best in Hogwarts.” Lily boasted.

“You don’t have to do this, Lily.”

“I can do the rest from here, get some rest, Remus.” Lily sighed.

Remus shook his head, “No, I’ll be fine, I can take it.”

“Non-sense, only a corridor left anyway. I’ll be up in a moment.” Lily dismissed him with a wave of her hand. Remus begrudgingly accepted the gesture of goodwill.

The last corridor consisted of the second floor girls rest room. The bathroom was normally entirely empty with an exception of the resident ghost. The ghost, moaning Myrtle, was a young girl who did nothing but wail at the top of her lungs. Lily expected that the crying she heard was the ghost so she was shocked as she pulled opened the ladies second floor bathroom and the crying was not from moaning Myrtle, but from James Potter, who was curled up into himself on the floor.

“James? Are you alright?” Lily asked as softly as she could.

James closed his eyes tightly, he shook his head. “Don’t kick a man when he’s down Evans.” He mumbled.

Lily sat beside him on the cold tile, not waiting for an invitation. “Did something happen?”

“Lily, I don’t understand you.”

Lily was taken aback, pausing for a slight moment, “What?”

James wiped, his eyes, trying to look much tougher than he felt. “I saw you last night, you kissed Sirius.”

“James, I was drunk.” Lily defended, though she knew she had nothing to defend.

“It’s stupid. I’m stupid. I’m not mad at you, you can kiss whoever you want.” James rushed, before slowing to a stop, “Sirius is my best mate. He can’t do that.”

Lily wondered if that had been why Remus was short with her earlier that day, though she doubted Remus even remembered much of last night. “I’m sure he was drunk, I’m sure he wasn’t thinking.”

“Lily, I love you. I love you so much it hurts.” James didn’t hesitate to say it. James never hesitated when it came to Lily, and of course, Lily knew he felt something for her. Lily knew that James thought he loved her, but this was the first time she realised the severity of it. Perfect Potter, who never drank, who aced his classes without even trying. Perfect Potter, the quidditch star, the prankster, the golden boy. He loved her, and it didn’t seem like a joke, not in the moment of vulnerability in an empty bathroom. Lily wasn’t sure she could hate him anymore, if she ever had.

“James, you know I can’t say it back.” Lily whispered, not trusting herself to talk.

“That’s why it hurts.” James scoffed at himself, “It’s embarrassing, and now you’ll think I’m pathetic.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I think you’re many things James, but you are not pathetic. Certainly not for crying, and certainly not for heaving a heart.” Lily shook her head, “Everyone gets upset sometimes, even the great James Potter. I wish I could help more than I can.”

“You don’t hate me for it?”

“No, I don’t hate you James. In fact, I’ve never understood you more than I do right now.” Lily gave James’ shoulder a tight squeeze. Lily stayed with him, she couldn’t leave him in his current state of distress. He sobbed quietly into her neck for nearly half an hour and Lily rubbed his back until he calmed down again.

“Thank you.” James whispered.

“Feeling any better?”

“You didn’t have to stay.” James mumbled, wiping the last of his tears, “I was fine on my own. I didn’t need your help.”

Lily smiled, it had been the same sentiment she echoed to James since her first year, and it felt good to hear the words from his mouth. “I know you didn’t. But I wanted to, no one deserves to cry alone.”

“The boys would make fun of me, if they knew.” James ran a hand through his hair, and Lily wondered if it was a nervous tick of his. “You can’t tell them.” He rushed before adding, “Please.”

“Course I won’t.” Lily answered automatically, “I don’t take pride in your misery.”

“I don’t think you understand the meaning of arch enemies, Evans. You’re not very good at it.” James chuckled.

…

The arrival of the pale purple stationary that Petunia insisted on using had served as a warning to Lily lately. Every update about the girls’ father sounded more and more grim. It was uncertain if going to the doctor would even be any help, and even if he had gone to the doctor there was no possible way the Evans could afford treatment.

He had sworn he felt better, but was beginning to look worse by the day. Petunia was scared she’d have to leave school to look after him, but both Lily and their father scolded her for even thinking about it.

Lily tried to not focus on her father’s illness. Lily tried to focus on the treatment, but it almost felt wrong to prolong the suffering, and if Lily was being honest with herself, she had already begun grieving him even though he hadn’t died yet. Petunia hardly had anything pleasant to write about. As it turned out, Petunia rather hated Secretary school, though she claimed to like the status that it gave her, Petunia felt wildly out of place at the school filled with people far richer than the Evans family had ever been. Lily tried to liken this to her own experiences at Hogwarts, but that was not received very well by Petunia. The only aspect of joy in Petunia’s life was Vernon Dursley. It made Lily want to vomit.

…

“Potter is following us like a fly. He’s plotting something.” Severus glanced towards the aforementioned ‘fly’ and Lily tried not to laugh.

“He’s in love with me, Sev. Be nice.” Lily bit her lip, she knew it was rude to tease Potter for the crush, and she tried desperately to show more restraint. However, Lily was still a teenage girl, and even on their best behavior, teenage girls have a tendency to be needlessly and endlessly cruel.

“I’m in love with you too.” Severus said and Lily rolled her eyes at her friend’s audacity.

“That’s different Severus, you love me like a sister. Potter is head over heels, an absolute buffoon. I feel bad for him.”

Severus pulled a sour face at the comment, but he didn’t say anything on the matter. At least, he hadn’t managed before Remus came bounding up to her. “Lily, McGonagall needs you.”

“What?” Lily wasn’t sure what Remus had meant, it was a Saturday.

“She sent me out to find you. Says it’s urgent, she needs you in her office.”

Then there was a sinking feeling in her stomach and Lily knew something was wrong. More than that Lily knew exactly what was wrong.

Chapter Text

Sitting in McGonagall’s office, waiting for her to get the horrid news over with, was it’s own form of inhumane torture. So when McGonagall finally managed to explain that Mr. Evans had died that morning, Lily felt entirely numb to all of it. There was a almost twisting sensation, something that was trying desperately to reach her throat, to scream, but after a moment, everything disappeared. Lily was back to normal, and everything felt the same as it had moments ago, just duller.

There was not the full aching of guilt and pain that came from her mother’s death. Rather, there was this small feeling of relief. Lily knew it was wrong to feel relieved after all she loved her father dearly, she ought to have been ashamed. But she couldn’t help it, watching him suffer for a year had been incredibly difficult. It was nice to know that the worst had finally happened, and nothing else could pain him anymore.

Chills ran down Lily’s spine, she felt extremely cold, and she hated the cold. It felt wrong to hear the news in the cold office of her most stern professor. She couldn’t decide whether it was better to find out in the office or to see the body. All that Lily wanted in that moment was her mother, but her mother was dead too. She wished Petunia was here, Petunia was better at handling these sorts of things. At the very least, Petunia would be able to hug her and tell her it would be alright.

Lily had not yet thought about what her father dying meant in terms of her living situation. According to McGonagall, Lily was placed in the care of the school until her sister came of age in February.

There were many thoughts, feelings, and questions spinning around in her mind, but Lily couldn’t gather the mind to ask them. Everytime Lily tried to speak her mouth felt inexplicably dry, so she opted for uncomfortably nodding her head.

By the time Lily left McGonagall’s office, it was nighttime, the sun having set and Lily was certain she missed dinner, not that she was hungry anyway. Lily didn’t recall much of the conversation, she had been in almost a mindless fog the whole time.

Lily was emotionally absent following the meeting. She would not participate in class, or choir. Lily could hardly attend classes let alone process what was happening during them. But it wasn’t like Lily could take a leave of absence from school. She had no where else to go. She was a ward of the school until Petunia turned eighteen. Lily thought perhaps the school would let her stay with Petunia, but it wasn’t like Petunia didn’t have her own schooling and grief to worry about, Lily would feel horrible to impose on her sister like that. She supposed she could hide away in her dormitory, but that wasn’t exactly private. She thought attending class was the best way to save face.

A fifth year offered to take her prefect patrolling shifts, and Lily was grateful for that. Her professors were very lenient with her work and scores. It was abundantly clear that something was very wrong with the typical fire-cracker that was Lily Evans.

“Lily? I think you should talk to someone.” Mary had suggested in a sweet, soft voice.

Lily shook her head, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Lily, sweetheart, I know that this must be very hard. But you can’t keep doing this.” Mary sat beside Lily, and gently stroked her hand through a tangled mess of hair. “You at least need to take a shower, brush your hair, it will help.”

Lily hadn’t realized how dirty she was before Mary said something. Not showering for the past four days had not been intentional, Lily just hadn’t given her hygiene any thought in the slightest. “Oh, okay,” was all Lily managed to choke out, she was too confused, her mind felt foggy as if there was a sheet of glass between her and the real world. Lily had been stuck in a liminal space where she did not feel or seem entirely human, existing in a zombified state. “Mary?”

“Yeah?”

Lily looked at her friend, and really saw her for the first time in days. “I’m sorry for being such a mess lately.”

Mary wrapped Lily in a tight hug. Their holds on each other were so strong it made it difficult to breathe. “Don’t you ever apologize for that, ever. You’re allowed to not be okay, it’s only been four days. But I love you and I want to help and don’t know how.”

It was then that Lily finally cried. Whatever had been holding her emotions back broke like a dam and all the repressed emotions came flooding in at once. Not just from her father’s death, but from her mother’s as well. Lily wasn’t sure how long she was crying for, but she knew that Mary didn’t leave, just held onto her tightly.
Lily let herself think and feel for the first time since the news broke. She allowed herself to think of her father, and how she loved him, and how he had loved her. Lily had always been a ‘daddy’s girl’. They would go to ponds and feed the ducks on Sundays after church. She remembered how he had painted her whole bedroom three different times to get the shade of purple just right for her. It was a bittersweet feeling to reminisce and know it was finally gone. Lily had decided the anticipation of the death was worse than her mother’s sudden death, though she felt awfully guilty for drawing the comparison.

Regardless, something in Lily Evans snapped like a twig. But she slowly was able to regain her old self back, or at least some resemblance of it. She was able to catch up on her work with relative ease. Her grief did not stop, it didn’t even slow down, but she was able to acknowledge it for the first time. She had never been comfortable or comforted by the feeling, but she was at least able to acknowledge the existence of her family without sobbing and getting extremely angry. Mary and Marlene were great help in this aspect. They had been extremely patient with her, and were always willing to listen. Even though it was often at two in the morning.
Lily sent repeated letters to Petunia, sometimes three or four times a day. Petunia responded to some of them, but not to others. It was clear that Petunia was trying to distance herself from everything, and Lily wasn’t sure if Petunia was grieving or ashamed.

There was only one thing Lily was certain of that week, that her life would never be the same, and that she had the best friends in the world.

Chapter Text

Lily was unable to return home for the holidays, not that she had much of a home to return to. Lily was unsure what to do with the small yellow house from her childhood, she didn’t think she could bear to be in it ever again. She wasn’t sure what her parents will said, whether they were even able to go back to the house. All Lily knew, was that she wasn’t able to obtain any of her inheritance until she turned eighteen. Until then, Petunia would be completely in charge of Lily, the moment that Petunia turned eighteen. Until Petunia was of age, Lily was to remain at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The winter holiday at Hogwarts would have been entirely insufferable if it weren’t for Severus staying behind alongside Lily.

Lily had been adamant that Severus didn’t need to stay at Hogwarts, but Severus had insisted he did. Lily was glad though, as most students went home, and Lily didn’t know anyone else staying during the break.

Lily and Severus didn’t do much, they hardly spoke. When they did speak, they were careful to avoid the topic of family, and any discussion of Lily’s father was strictly off limits. Lily tried not to think about any of it. They just sat in the quiet of the library surrounded by stressed seventh years. A few times Lily began looking into resurrection and necromancy, and Severus would persuade her against it. It would be the only times Lily was grateful to put down a book and abandon a topic, as she knew she would become far too intwined with the dark arts.

“Severus, do you have the Daily Prophet?”

“You don’t want to read it.” Severus warned.

Lily held out her hand, “Give it over.”

Severus handed over his copy of the newspaper. Lily instantly felt the pit drop in her stomach. In bold black letter on the top of the page, ‘Five Muggle-Borns Found Dead in London’.

“Severus, I’m going to die.” Lily mumbled as she stared at the page. She thought of her parents, their deaths had been entirely muggle and entirely ordinary but Lily felt guilty. Had it really been so casual? Lily felt responsible for all of it, though it wasn’t her choice to have magic, and she couldn’t help the dead witches and wizards.

“You’re not going to die. I’m not going to let you.” Severus swore. “You’re safe at Hogwarts anyhow.”

“Why are they doing it?” Lily had never understood it.

Severus bit his lip harshly, almost tearing his skin. He didn’t say anything.

Lily stared at him for a moment, scrutinising his face, “Severus, why are they doing it?”

Severus slowly met Lily’s eyes and they lingered to a second too long, the air hanging in a dead stillness between them. “I don’t know.” He lied.

“Course you don’t.” Lily stung back, “Why would you, it’s not like you’re friends with the ones doing it.”

“Lily, that is not fair.”

“Why not Severus?” Lily argued back, getting rather loud and beginning to draw attention from the others that were studying.

Severus looked around, and cast a silencing charm around them. “You’re friends with a bloody werewolf!”

Lily looked Severus directly in the eyes as she lied to him, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know you can’t be that stupid.” Severus retorted, leaving Lily the option to fess up, or feign idiocy and deny ever knowing.

“You’re spouting baseless accusations. Rumors, you’re really foolish enough to believe what anyone tells you?”

“James called it ‘Remus’ furry little problem.’” Severus spat it out, like the words were poisonous.

Lily’s eyes widened, “Remus happens to have a very bothersome rabbit.”

“Don’t lie to me, Lily!” He yelled back at her.

“I won’t, if you stop lying to me.”

They stared at each other, waiting for someone to challenge the other. But there was just silence, and uncomfortable tension. “Lily, don’t do this, not on Christmas Eve.”

Lily hadn’t even registered what day it was. “Sev, I can’t do this.” Lily gestured wildly between them, “Not if you’re going to keep things from me. My life is at stake.”

“That’s why I’m friends with them. We have a deal, I help them with hexes and they don’t use any on you. I’m the best at curses in the whole school.”

“Don’t brag about something like that! I don’t want you to be good at curses, it’s dark magic.” Lily pleaded.

“There is no ‘dark’ magic, or ‘good’ magic. It’s just magic.” Severus defended, “It just depends how you use it, and I’m using it to help you.”

“Stop helping me!”

“No.” The answer was simple and curt, “No, I’m going to defend you.”

Lily shook her head, “By cursing first years, who were just like me?”

“I don’t care about people like you, I care about you!” Severus was getting angrier.

“I don’t want you to protect me, I’m not a child anymore.”

“Lily, I can’t let anything happen to you. I’d rather die than see you hurt.”

Lily couldn’t believe what she was hearing, “That’s ridiculous, you can’t die for me. I’d be mad at you if you tried. For Godric’s sake, if you cut all this nonsense out you’d be a prefect.” Lily took a deep breath, “Severus, you’re in love with me, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t been trying to hide it.”

“Severus, no.” Lily insisted. Severus just stared back, waiting for something else, waiting for something that Lily wasn’t ever able to give him. “You shouldn’t be.”

“You don’t love me, do you?”

Lily had tried, Lily wanted to be in love with him. It would make everything so much easier if she was in love with Severus. “Severus, please, don’t make me answer that.”

“I don’t understand it Lily! Why am I not good enough for you?”

Lily searched for the words, she thought she might cry. “Severus, you’re more than good enough. You’re brilliant, but I just don’t feel the same way.”

“Is it Potter? Does he have something I don’t?”

“No!” Lily was quick to answer, “It’s not anyone else, it’s not even you! It’s my own fault, really. I should feel the same, but I don’t.” Lily was crying now. “I should go.” She muttered before running off to the empty common room.

Lily laid on the couch, wishing she had someone to yell at, feeling awful that she couldn’t love Severus. He was her best friend, but she couldn’t do it, not the way he loved her.

…

Lily stayed in the Gryffindor common room alone that evening. She didn’t see anyone until breakfast the next morning, and when she saw Severus he was avoiding her.

It did not feel anything like Christmas. The decorations around the castle did little to calm Lily’s upset that day. She hardly even ate the feast because she felt sick to her stomach. There was nothing that made the holiday feel the least bit joyous or comforting to Lily Evans, and she knew that the other students would laugh at her if she dared to say that she wished she could go to the loathed church like her family used to just to feel some form of tradition and regularity.

Late that night, Lily was reading a book in the completely empty common room. Out of no where the whole room was filled with startling green light for a second before Sirius Black was in the fireplace, coughing wildly. Lily rushed to help him out.

“Oi, merry Christmas Evans.” Sirius smiled, he seemed rather satisfied with himself, but Lily was quick to notice the blood dripping from his leg.

“Sirius, we have to get you to Pomfrey.”

“No!” Sirius yelled frantically before calmly saying, “I can take care of it, just a scratch.”

“What happened?”

“Saw my family. Had enough, so I’m back here again.” He shrugged sitting down, Lily summoned a first aid kit, and despite Sirius’ stating that he didn’t need his wounds tended to, Lily was insistent that he did.

“Is Regulus okay?”

“He should be, he’s the favorite.” Sirius shrugged as Lily applied the disinfectant to the wound, causing him to hiss in pain from the burning sensation. “Godric, Evans!”

“Oh hush!” Lily chastised, “What curse did they use? It’s really deep, Sirius.”

“It’s the same one everyone uses.” Sirius waved his hand in dismissal.

Lily stared at him for a second, unable to see whether he truly believed this behavior was normal. “Sirius, you can’t believe that.”

“Fine, maybe not half-bloods, but all purebloods do it.”

Lily scoffed, “You think the Potters do this?”

“Well,” Sirius paused for a moment, “They’re hardly pure-bloods, plus James is a spoiled brat.”

“Sirius, you shouldn’t go back there, they might really hurt you.” Lily said earnestly.

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Leave it Evans, you don’t know shit about my family.”

Lily tended to the wounds quietly, he tried to leave before she was finished, but Lily held him back, threatening to curse him further. “I don’t want to see you dead Sirius, you have to promise me not do anything stupid.”

“Everything I do is stupid.”

“I’m not joking.” Lily was completely straight-faced, and used the same tone of voice she used when herding the first years. “Promise me you won’t get yourself killed.”

“I thought you hated me.”

Lily shook her head, “Remus is my best friend. I’m forced to care about you, against my will.”

“You like me, don’t you?” Sirius smiled proudly, “We’re friends now.”

“If we have to be.” Lily shrugeed.

“I’ve declared it, it’s true now. Plus it’ll piss James right off.” He laughed.

Lily wasn’t sure what made her agree to entertain Sirius for the rest of the break. Whether it was pity, or the fact that she was mad at Severus and knew he hated Sirius more than anyone on the face of the Earth.

Lily and Sirius played nearly every board game and sport available at Hogwarts. Lily had beaten Sirius at chess, exploding snaps, and Summoner’s Court, but Sirius had won at every single other thing, much to Lily’s annoyance. They, of course, had many many rematches.

“Sirius, can you help me?” Lily had asked one day in the common room, he was flipping through one of James’ quidditch magazines.

Sirius put down the magazine, “You need my help?”

“I know, horrifying.” Lily shook her head, and handed him a bottle of red nail polish, “I can’t do my right hand, can you help?”

Sirius stared at the bottle, “Is it a potion?”

“It’s nail polish.” Lily answered, “You haven’t seen it?”

Sirius shrugged, “Not while it’s in the bottle.”

“It’s easy, just use the brush and paint the nail.”

“Um, okay, I guess.” Sirius begrudgingly obeyed the request. Though he was quickly very deep in concentration, his tongue poking out of his mouth like a little kid. He was painstakingly careful and delicate. “There, all done.”

“Thank you!” Lily beamed and was about to take the nail polish back when she asked, “Can I do your nails?”

Sirius blushed and looked around the empty room, nervous that he might be caught, “Yeah, if you want to.”

“I do!” Lily tried to mimic the care that Sirius had taken, but Lily was a little rougher than the pureblood who had been trained in grace since infancy. Sirius had tried to hide the smile that came from the small act of rebellion, but Lily saw it nonetheless. It made her feel quite proud.

By the end of the week, Lily and Sirius got on quite well. She had practically been living in the boys' dorm, and the first time she entered she noticed the carefully tended to pot full of dandelions that sat on the windowsill. Lily couldn’t help but laugh, and Sirius rolled his eyes at it. They gorged themselves on Remus’ stash of chocolate and Peter’s stash of sweets. Lily had taken over the Marauder’s dorm, often sleeping in Remus’ bed because she didn’t enjoy being alone at night.
When the boys returned, Remus had threatened to curse both of them, and if it weren’t for his bad leg, he might have been quick enough to do it.

Chapter Text

To everyone’s absolute shock, Lily had been hanging out with Sirius Black. By far the most conflicted about this was James Potter, who was, as usual, vocal about his feelings. Lily and Sirius noticed how annoyed he was by their recent friendship and took advantage of it by racing brooms around the quidditch pitch on multiple occasions; that ended though when James had enough and jinxed Sirius’ voice to be two octaves higher than it usually was.

Lily felt a tad bit guilty, she was worried she was using Sirius to get back at Severus, and to some extent, she knew that was. Though, especially due to the sudden abundance of Sirius in her life, she was becoming increasingly concerned for Regulus.

Lily and Regulus had hardly seen each other, so when she got a letter wanting to meet, she was more than happy to oblige.

Lily wandered through the dark astronomy tower where she and Regulus supposed to meet. “Are you in here?”

There was no answer for a few moments, as the question reverberated around the room.

“He’s not coming.” The voice was scratchy with a similar quality to that of a door that eternally creaked.

Lily looked for the source of the sound, only to find Barty Crouch. He had grown quite taller in the previous year and now towered over Lily with ease. Lily drew her wand. “Why are you here?”

“Hey little miss perfect, don’t want any trouble. Just supposed to tell you to scram.” Barty raised his hands to show they were empty.

Lily furrowed her brow, “What?”

“It’s for your own safety, or something like that. Wasn’t paying much attention, he went on about it for like half an hour. But the gist is ‘blah blah blah he’s engaged, blah blah blah he’s supposed to kill you’ ya know, the usual shit.” Barty shrugged, he was very casual about his indifference about delivering the message.

Lily aimed her wand towards him, “Crouch, tell him I don’t care, I want to see him.”

“No can do!” He took a step back, “Arguing with him is not my thing, Pandora can, ask her. But he’ll just yell at me, and I’m not invested enough for that.” Lily drew her wand closer “I don’t want me to be here anymore than you do. But I lost rock paper scissors to both Rosiers.”

Lily couldn’t even blame Barty, she was mad, but she knew better than to shoot the messanger. “What?” It didn’t come out confused, the rage was evident.

“Listen Evans, if you know what went down at the Blacks’ house, then you know why he can’t talk to you anymore.”

“What happened, Crouch?” Lily’s voice was nearly venomous as she spat the words at him, a dare to the boy to go against her.

“Bloody hell, you’re scary.” Barty laughed nervously for a second before regaining his composure, “But, it ain’t mine to tell. Ask the Blacks.” Barty tried to leave, and Lily wasn’t sure what caused her to do it, but she hexed him. Barty’s feet were stuck to the floor and he couldn’t move from the spot.

“You’ll tell me. Now.” Lily gritted her teeth tightly. If steam could come out of her ears, it would. All Lily cared about then and there was Regulus, and Regulus had sent this utter fool to tell Lily that he never wanted to see her again.

Barty laughed like a maniac. The kind of laugh that seemed to make it impossible to breath as the high pitched squeal-like sounds bounced against every surface. If Lily hadn’t needed answers she would have used a silencing charm.

“It’s not funny.” Lily seethed.

“Oh but it is.” Barty cracked a wicked smile, as the laughter died out. “You Gryffindors think you’re so much better than the Slytherins. You’re not. You’re just like us, except that we know we’re not always the good guys, and you’re foolish enough to think you are.”

“Bite your tongue, Crouch!”

“Why should I?” He dared, “You hex me, you prove my point. I rather enjoy being right.” Barty was far smarter than Lily had given him credit for. It was the kind of cunning intelligence that was impossible to argue against, but worse to agree to. Even at the age of fourteen, he seemed to be an expert in intellectual torture.
“You think I’m crazy then? You think I’m evil?”

Barty shook his head. “I think there’s a war, and we’re all trying to survive. So it might help to get off your bloody high horse. Because you can’t say for certain that you wouldn’t do the exact same shit if you were a pureblood. If it wasn’t your head on the chopping block, you’d probably let them die too. We all want to say that we’ll risk our lives for strangers, for the greater cause, but it’s two different things to say you will versus to do it.”

Lily let Barty leave, but she didn’t move. Lily sat there waiting and hoping that Regulus would turn up, though she knew he never would. It was the first time Lily was truly able to comprehend what war really meant, and that there were two sides to it.

…

The next night Lily waited outside the Slytherin common room for hours.

“Lily? What are you doing here?” It wasn’t Regulus though, it was Severus.

Lily shook her head, “I’m waiting for someone.”

“Lily, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

“Don’t apologize.” Lily said, her tone unintentionally somber, “You can’t help how you feel. I should have taken it better.”

Sevrus furrowed his brow, “You weren’t waiting for me, were you?”

Lily had half a mind to lie, and to go hang out with Severus somewhere, but she couldn’t. All of Lily’s thoughts had been consumed by the pale boy with dark curls, his pale gray eyes had almost haunted her when she envisioned him. “I’m waiting for Regulus.”

“You’re going to hex him?” Severus raised an eyebrow, and Lily remembered the elaborate rouse they had made.

“Have to defend your honor.” Lily laughed, feeling instantly guilty for lying, and feeling worse for the fact that Regulus had not appeared.

Severus didn’t believe her for a minute, “I’m not going to get him. I’ll walk you back to your dorm though. You look spent.”

“I can’t leave. I need to talk to him.” Lily was adamant. She had to know he was okay, at the very least. After seeing the scars on Sirius,

“Lily, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Severus warned, but Lily didn’t care.

“Get him. Please.” She pleaded with her friend, knowing he wouldn’t be able to resist.

…

It was another half an hour before Regulus came out of the common room. He didn’t stop to even look at Lily, he kept walking until he entered an empty classroom. Lily didn’t think twice before following him.

When Lily finally saw his face his was harsher. His cheeks were more hollow and his eyes held heavy bags underneath, as if he hadn’t slept since they last saw each other. His voice came out rasped and harsh when he finally spoke, “I told you to stay away frome me.”

Lily’s first reaction was confusion, but it was quickly overcome by her anger. “You don’t speak to me that way. I was worried for you, Pandora wouldn’t tell me a thing. Sirius was cut to bits. So let’s try that again shall we?”

Regulus blinked, before taking a deep breath and calming himself. “I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“Good, I’d rather not be hurt.” Lily smiled in a poor attempt to assure Regulus, “Are you hurt? Did your parents hurt you?”

Regulus was confused, “Why would they hurt me?”

“I saw Sirius.”

“I’m smarter than Sirius.” Regulus answered quickly, “I do as I’m told.”

Lily shook her head, “Like staying away from muggle-borns.”

“Like not flaunting around the fact that I talk to muggle-borns.” Regulus corrected. “It’s easy to not be caught, if you’re not an attention whore.”

“But?” Lily questioned, knowing there must be more.

“But I’m supposed to kill you.” Regulus answered. “I’m not supposed to feel how I currently feel, certainly not about a muggle-born.”

“Run away. You don’t have to be with your family. You don’t have to listen to them.”

Regulus’ demeanor softened, “It’s not that easy. You don’t know a thing about my family, Evans. It’s more complicated than all of that. I love my family.”

Lily couldn’t fathom this, she hadn’t expected the response. Lily had expected cowardice, not blatant denial of the request. Despite how he tried to hide them, Lily had noticed the neat scars on his ankle, a perfect match the Sirius’. “They hurt you.”

“I love my family. They’re doing what is right. I should be ashamed for ever doubting them.” The dialogue was automatic, monotonistic, practically rehearsed to perfection.

Lily couldn’t help but stare at him. She had grown too fond of him, had known him too well. His love of cheesy muggle romance novels, his fascination with stars, his longing to be something more than what he was. Lily scanned his face for any sign of recognition. “You think this is right? You think you’re that much better than me?”

“I don’t understand it. I don’t know why muggles are born with magic, but I don’t imagine it’s natural.” Regulus’ jaw was set, his inner turmoil not to speak a word more was evident.

Lily found herself unable to argue. She had thought the same thing. She never understood why she had magic either. She’d tried to understand it, she’d tried to rid herself of it. Everything that Regulus was fighting for, Lily had fought for at one point. Was this why no one wanted Lily to know much about the war? Everything was slowly falling into place, and Lily was left with confusion. “Regulus, do you think you’re better than me because you’re a pureblood?”

Regulus hesitated a moment, though he had the sense to appear slightly ashamed, “Do you?”

Lily did, Lily knew she did. She had thought Severus was better than her for years, and he was a half-blood. She wanted to deny it, she wanted to say that she thought she was just as good, just a worthy as everyone else in Hogwarts. But Lily knew she didn’t believe that, how could she get mad at Regulus when she felt the same way. “Do you want to kill me for it?” Lily could hardly ask, scared of the answer.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Regulus swore, it was instant, there was not an ounce of hesitation. “You hate me now, don’t you?”

Lily wished she could feel anything besides the sinking pit in her stomach, “I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry.” Regulus could no longer meet Lily’s eyes. “Lily, I’m really sorry. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Don’t apologize.” Lily mumbled, “I’m not mad at you.” Lily wasn’t mad at Regulus, she just pitied him. Everytime she tried to loathe anything he said, the image of the scars on his ankle flashed through her mind. Lily wished she could just be angry, and boiling with rage. She wished it was that easy, that she could hate Regulus for what he thought of her and her stupid blood status. But she couldn’t, she couldn’t hate him, no matter how hard she tried. Instead she hated herself, for believing all the same things that Regulus did.

Lily wanted to walk away, but instead she wrapped him in a hug. “I don’t really, I swear.” Regulus’ voice was quiet, scared, like he would be punished. “I don’t think I’m better than you.”

“I know.” Lily whispered back, kissing his forehead gently, and wrapping a hand in his curls.

Regulus mumbled, “Tu es meilleur que moi, tu es parfait. Je t’aime.” Lily wished she knew french.

Chapter Text

Lily befriending Sirius Black had one major and catastrophic consequence, in that now there were two people hell bent on embarrassing Lily on her fifteenth birthday. The spectacle was bigger than ever before. James brought his guitar to breakfast early in the morning. He played at least four original songs for her, this would have been bearable if Sirius hadn’t transfigured a plate into a bass drum to play along. Lily punched Remus’ arm when he couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the garish display. The concert ended when Lily finally tranfigured the guitar into snail. There was rampant applause that reverberated throughout the great hall but most definitely came from a charm that Peter casted.

James’ skill at charms was used to make it so that anytime someone wished Lily a happy birthday, fifteen dandelions would sprout out of their nose. James thought it was quite hysterical, and Lily was trying to fight off laughing everytime it happened. Sirius with his specialty in transfiguration had managed to turn all the utensils in the great hall into balloons. Peter, not wanting to be left out, charmed the common room so that wherever Lily walked it would leave a trail of confetti. Remus had a wicked smirk, and Lily could tell he had planned something equally as embarrassing, but Remus gave in when Lily had threatened him.

Mary and Marlene had insisted on a party, but Lily was hesitant after the events of the last party. So instead as a birthday gift to Lily, Mary and Marlene both read Pride and Prejudice and the three had a small tea party and book club. It was by far Lily’s most favorite gift she had ever received, even if Marlene was clearly only doing it for Lily’s benefit.

It was an overall successful birthday and Lily was grateful for her friends, even the embarrassing ones. She was also slightly thankful for her arch-nemesis, James Potter.

…

Mary, Remus, and Lily had been studying together on a cold Sunday evening, while the others were out at a quidditch practice.

“Did you guys hear yet?” Mary whispered, bored of the Transfiguration essay.

“Hear what?” Remus asked, completely falling for the trap.

Mary smiled wickedly, “Marlene and Dorcas are back together.”

Lily looked at Mary in disbelief, but Mary just nodded in confirmation. If Marlene was in the room then Lily might have slapped her. “Dorcas gave her a love potion!”

“Old news.” Mary brushed aside, “Dorcas came crawling back last week, during the holidays.” Mary did her best impression of Dorcas; “Oh please take me back! I love you, I didn’t mean it. I was just scared, and whatever,” Mary laughed at her own impression before falling back into her own voice to gossip more. “At least that’s how Mars told it. But Marlene and Dorcas are back together. They told me not to tell you two, because Lily hates Dorcas.”

“I do not hate Dorcas!”

“Yes, you do.” Mary corrected, “You at least hate her dating Mars.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “They’re bloody annoying.”

“We can’t all have an army of men, right Remus?” Mary cocked her head and Remus blushed quietly as he hid his head behind a book, trying to ignore them. “Come on, I know you’re jealous of Lily, she’s got Sirius all over her lately.”

“Godric’s sake, shut up Macdonald.” Remus mumbled behind barred teeth.

Mary laughed, thinking it was all great fun, “Please, the whole bloody castle sees the way you look at each other. Just snog, or whatever.”

“Sirius likes girls.” Remus was adamant.

“Yeah, and I’m part walrus.” Lily snorted sarcastically, before realising she had said that aloud. “My mistake, that was a bit over the line.” She apologized, and was now buried behind her own piece of parchment.

“He likes boys too, he told me while we were dating.” Mary said pointedly, “He’s still weird about it though, think it’s the family stuff.”

“It’s none of your fucking business.” Remus was nearly shaking in anger when he snapped at Mary. Mary looked confused for a moment, then like she might cry. Remus took a deep breath to calm down, “I’m sorry Mary, I didn’t mean-”

“Yes, you did actually. You meant it, and I don’t like being lied to.” Mary took her books back up to the dorm in a huff.

“I should go after her.” Lily sighed as she got up from where she was sitting on the ground of the common room.

“I really didn’t mean it. I just get so angry.” Remus apologized, he looked truly remorseful.

Lily shook her head, “You’re snogging him, aren’t you?”

“I shouldn’t answer that.” Remus gritted, which was an answer in it’s own right.

Lily left her books and notes scattered on the common room floor as she ran to follow Mary.

…

“Gryffindors are so bloody dramatic!” Lily complained to Severus, and though Slughorn swore that he didn’t eavesdrop on them, Lily caught him chuckling yet again. “They’ve been fighting all week!”

“Should’ve been in Slytherin.” Severus laughed.

“I wish I was a bloody Ravenclaw. They’re never dramatic.”

Severus scoffed, “They’re lunatics, have you seen their gaggle of third years?”

“Have you seen your lot of Slytherins?” Lily giggled, “Swear, Hufflepuffs might be the only normal lot, and they’re all boring.”

“That’s true.” Severus agreed, “Saw you’ve befriended all my tormentors now.”

“Severus, do you want to start a fight, or would you rather not be hexed?” Lily asked, and despite her joking tone, they both knew she was deadly serious about it.

“You don’t have to be friends with every Gryffindor, just so you know.”

“Sev, shut up and hand me the spider legs.” Lily rolled her eyes and held out her hand. She glanced at his potion, “You need more newt spleen.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Severus shook his head, “My potion is right.”

“It’s too blue. Should be closer to green.” Lily pointed out, quite obnoxiously, she had a tendency to be know-it-all and a show-off, especially when she thought it would annoy Severus.

“Well yours needs more bat eyes.” Severus taunted.

Lily looked at her potion carefully, “No, it shouldn’t. It may need more peppermint though. But I should probably just mix it for a second.” Lily smiled and bit her cheek, “It’s supposed to induce happiness, you ought to try it Sev.”

“Sometimes you’re utterly annoying, Evans.” Severus rolled his eyes at her.

It was nice to hang out with Severus sometimes, when he wasn’t being an arse and trying to pick a fight. Lily quite enjoyed torturing her friend over their potions. In fact, it was the near daily reminder of why she was friends with the Slytherin, she saw him as a brother of sorts.

Severus over the course of many weeks tried to interrogate Lily over her weekly discussions with Regulus. Lily had sworn at some points that Severus was trying to follow them. But Lily would not budge on the idea that she and Regulus did not like each other, and only met when they were fighting or hexing the other. No one but Lily, Regulus, and somehow Pandora, knew of their long discussions of magic and the war. Their increasingly complex breakdowns of how one acquired magic. The late-night study sessions when they broke curfew as they read book after book on ancient magic. They were never able to make much sense out of most of it. But Lily was never able to make much sense out of anything when Regulus was involved.

Lately, Regulus had consumed most of Lily’s thoughts. The pale gray eyes, the airy sound of his voice as it rang in her ears. If this was how Severus and James felt about her, then she thought she might understand the absurd infatuation they held.

“Regulus?” Lily asked, and he hummed in acknowledgment, not looking up from the books. “What are we doing?”

“We’re trying to find out where magic comes from,” Regulus answered, clearly thinking it was obvious.

“It won’t change anything, will it? Even if we do figure it out.” Lily asked the rhetorical question, as they both realized they had worked for weeks on something that didn’t matter in the slightest, and they both knew this all along, deep down. “We’re allowed to just hang out.”

Regulus looked frazzled for just a moment, unkempt, and uncomposed. He quickly rectified this, straightening his posture and wearing the same stone-like expression that he always had on his face. “I shouldn’t be looking for excuses to hang out with you.”

“But you are.”

“I am.” He agreed. “You broke me.”

Lily laughed slightly, “Broke you?”

“I’d never questioned anything until I met you. Now I question everything I’ve ever known.” Regulus had a small smile on, his eyes shining in admiration that rivaled the look James Potter gave her.

Lily wasn’t sure whether it was good or not, to have broken someone in such a way. But she greatly hoped he would allow her to put him back together after the fact.

Chapter Text

Divination might be the death of Lily Evans. Or at least, it was trying to be. Remus had predicted that Lily would die young for the past five classes in a row, and it was becoming a joke of sorts. Lily would be worried if Remus had the slightest clue what he was doing in the class. To make matters worse Sirius kept predicting James would similarly die young, which quickly turned into a joke amongst the class that the two would be involved in a ‘murder-suicide’. Lily was the only person in the class who did not find these jokes funny.

“Maybe we are arch-enemies after all.” James smiled, his obnoxious, eternally present smile. Lily jinxed him when he said it and his nose stretched to be a meter long. “That one was not called for!”

“There is hardly a moment when you don’t need to be humbled.” Lily pointed out.

James tried to counter the charms and get his nose to shrink, it grew another five centimeters. Sirius and Remus were doubled over laughing now. James finally got his nose to shrink and walked towards Lily, he whispered, “Are you worried you’re going to die?”

“You’re not?” She asked.

“It’s all rubbish anyway. We can’t change it.” He shrugged and held out his hand. “My life line has been short since the day I was born.”

“Mine too.” Lily showed her own palm.

Their life lines were nearly identical, and it was comforting to see. Afterall, he was James Potter. James Potter was perfect, he couldn’t possibly die young, it was absurd to think he could die at all. If anyone was destined to grow old, it must have been James Potter, the picture of health and fitness. So if their fates were as intertwined as everything said, than it didn’t seem bad to die when James would, because there was no universe in which James Potter should be dead.

“You’re not worried, at all?” Lily allowed her voice to shake ever so slightly.

James met her eyes, “Just a little. But I’m not going down without a fight.”

“James,” Lily’s voice was a whisper, as tears threatened to breach her eyes, “I don’t want to die.”

Something it James shifted for a moment, as realization dawned on both of them, “I’d die protecting you if I have to.”

“Don’t you dare.” Lily’s voice was harsh, it was a challenge if not a threat, “You take that back right now.”

James shook his head, the slight confusion etched on his face, “No. I’d rather die than let someone hurt you. I’m going to marry you one day, Lily Evans.”

Lily tried to blink away the forming tears, “I’d never forgive you if you die for me.”

“I’d never forgive myself if I lived without you.”

Lily wanted to kiss him, to shut him up. She wanted to punch him in his face. How dare he say these things, scare her half-to-death. James Potter in his frustrating perfection, in his annoyingly persistent charm. Lily panicked, she hexed him, turned his hair bright purple and sprinted down the corridor without another glance at him.

…

Lily laid in her dorm, wrapped in the quidditch jacket marked with Potter’s name on the back. It had been a year, and she hadn’t returned it, but he hadn’t asked for it back either. “Lily! What did you do to Potter?” Marlene was laughing hysterically as she entered the dorm.

“I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! Leave me alone!” Lily whined as she buried herself in the covers of her bed, completely and utterly embarrassed by everything she had done that day.

“Godric, Evans! What is wrong with you?”

“You’re going to laugh at me!” Lily’s whinging was muffled by her pillow.

Marlene gasped, “You like James!”

“Shut up.” Lily was unwilling to face this reality, unable to cope with a world in which James Potter was anything but an annoying stalker. “I hate him.”

Marlene jumped on top of Lily’s bed, “Peter owes me a galleon! I knew it!”

“You’ve been placing bets?”

“It’s fine to place bets as long as you win.” Marlene shrugged, before ruffling Lily’s hair, “My poor poor baby, in love with the boy who has been in love with her for four years.”

“I don’t like him, Mars!” Despite the repetition of the statement, neither girl was persuaded to believe it.

Lily hid in shame the rest of the night after her realization. Marlene told Mary everything and then they both tortured Lily over it for the next week.

“What do I do?” Lily couldn’t stop complaining, whining, and essentially throwing a tantrum in the dorm room as she faced the newfound feeling of defeat in her begrudged adoration of James Potter.

“Well, you can’t tell him!” Mary was quick to state.

“Obviously not!” Lily nearly shrieked. “There must be some potion, right? Like a reverse love potion?”

Marlene was still laughing over it, “That bad? You think you’re in love with the bloke?”

“No! I most certainly am not!” Lily’s cheeks were flushing a bright shade of pink. “I like someone else, someone who is most definitely not James Potter.” This was not exactly a lie, as she had been continuing to meet Regulus in secret. Lily’s feelings for Regulus were far more complicated, and to says he fancied the Slytherin would be a simplification and a gross understatement of how he made her felt. Lily’s feelings for James and Regulus were entirely separate and extremely different. Lily’s feelings for Regulus felt much more like a whirlwind of longing, the kind of thing Shakespeare would write, a love written in the stars. Lily’s feelings for James on the other hand, felt like those scenes in a Jane Austen novel filled with fire and passion as they argued in posh dialogue. The part where the headstrong protagonist hated her male counterpart, and Lily failed to see the irony in this. “Fuck.”

“What is it now?” Marlene prompted and Lily looked up at her with frantic wild eyes.

In a panting breathless voice, exhausted from nothing but her own mind, “I’m in a romance novel, torn between two men.” Mary and Marlene laughed at the top of their lungs, and Lily was certain they were rattling the entirety of Gryffindor Tower. “I’m being serious!”

“You’re not in a bloody novel!” Marlene nearly shrieked with laughter, “Get over yourself, Evans! Not everyone is so obsessed with you.”

Lily scowled, “Well, they kind of are.” She mumbled.

“Oh no! Poor Lily Evans, too many boys have crushes on her. They all want to kiss her, and she wants to kiss them back, however will she survive!” Marlene teased more, and with a wave of Lily’s wand Marlene’s head was trapped inside a pumpkin. “Don’t be a bad sport!” Marlene yelled through the pumpkin.

Lily let out a panicked and shaky breath, as a realization dawned on her, “I am the most desirable person in all of Hogwarts.”

“Lily, my love, my dear friend.” Mary said softly with a smile, slowly approaching the distraught redhead. “You need to get your head out of your ass.”

Lily shook her head, “I’m not supposed to be the hot one.”

“Oh honey, you’re not.” Mary smiled, “You’re very very pretty, but you are not just a pretty girl from a book. You’re a human being, and you need to treat yourself like one.”

“You just want to be the hot one again.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“I never stopped being the hot one.” Mary smiled with a coy wink.

Marlene groaned, “Can someone get my head out of this fucking thing?”

…

Lily was utterly devastated by the loss of her defiance towards James Potter, the only logical conclusion was to avoid him at all costs, and where better to do this than his own dorm room. Lily had to admit that her logic there may have been flawed, but her and Sirius had spent hours over the past few days lying on his bed and listening to the entire discography of David Bowie. Occasionally taking breaks to do each other’s eyeliner, vent, and raid the room of any sweets.

Lily had managed to dethrone Mary for the title of Gryffindor drama queen. Sirius and Lily had an agreement not to speak about any of their actual issues with their families, but they were more than happy to sulk together and focus on their petty teenage angst. They had kicked everyone else out of the dorm.

“I fucking hate James Potter.” Lily kept snarling.

She always received the instant response of, “I’m gonna kill the fucking werewolf.”

They would immediately launch into rants at the same time, they mostly consisted of absolutely no substance and essentially repeating the same things again at rapid-fire speed. Neither was listening to the other, but that was why it felt so good. They repeated this for well over a week.

Both Lily and Sirius were together far too often as of late, and had begun to rub off on each other. Sirius had attempted to dye Lily’s hair black, which was an utter catastrophe and only lasted for a little over a day. Lily had stolen Marlene’s eyeliner and applied it to Sirius dutifully nearly everyday. Lily had gotten in the habit of stealing Sirius’ black gothic clothing, which had earned its fair share of snarky comments from Mary.

The most infamous incident though, was when Lily, with no experience and too stubborn to research how, decided to help Sirius pierce his ear. Sirius was screaming at Lily within seconds as she wrestled to hold him still since the needle was only half-way through. Sirius only got one ear pierced, but proudly flaunted it, he was certain it made him look much cooler, and Lily was only annoyed that suddenly she only possessed one of each earring pair she had.

…

Lily and Remus were completing their prefect patrols. Lily was in an absolutely sour mood after she busted Marlene and Dorcas making out behind a tapestry earlier in the patrol. Lily was also annoyingly hot under the robes as the spring weather was nearly sweltering. Remus had taken notice of this and absolved to be quiet during their patrol, though he had an annoying look on his face that let Lily know he was thinking about saying something at any moment.

Lily could not take it anymore, “Knock it off!”

Remus was instantly perplexed, “I’m not doing anything, Red.”

“You’re looking at me funny.” Lily sulked. “Either spit it out or hide it better.”

“You’re wearing all black, all the time, it’s like you’re in mourning.” Remus pointed out, a playful smile on his lips.

Lily rolled her eyes, “My father is dead.”

“Okay then.” Remus sighed, “Sorry, I should’ve known.”

There was silence for a moment, “No, sorry, that’s not why. That was mean to say.”

“So what’s the black for then?”

“I’m trying to deter unwanted predators.” Lily sighed, “And grieving the loss of my own emotional regulation.”

Remus looked at Lily like she had grown three heads before it dawned on him, and his smile grew wider, nearly painful, nearly as wide as James’. “You fancy Potter.”

“Tell anyone and I’ll be wearing black to your funeral.” Lily couldn’t stop herself from gnashing her teeth. “I hate him.”

Remus and Lily rounded the corner of the corridor. As if on cue, James Potter and Severus Snape were in a rampant duel. Green and blue sparks flew around the corridor, hitting each other, and causing yelps of pure pain and agony. It was not school jinx or pranks, it was curses, painful curses. Lily didn’t stop them, she just stared. Something in her froze, or panicked, perhaps it was a morbid sense of curiosity about who would win. Remus stopped them both, but then they all stared at Lily in complete silence.

Lily pursed her lips, as they all looked towards her in anticipation. But Lily never said a word. She just left back to the Gryffindor Tower.

Chapter Text

James was right behind Lily, with Remus on his tail. “Evans! I’m sorry.” James yelled.

“No, you’re not Potter!” Lily called, not bothering to turn back to face him, or even to slow down. “Don’t lie to me.”

James was faster than Lily was, and while Lily was unwilling to run to get away from James, James Potter was not above sprinting to stand before Lily and block her path. “I won’t lie, I’m not sorry for hexing Snape.” He began and Lily gave him a dead-panned stare as she tried to pass him. “But, I am sorry that I’ve upset you and I would like to make it up to you.”

“I’m not upset, I’m tired. I’m not your bloody mother, Potter. Do what you want, just leave me alone.” Lily grumbled the words, she was upset, she was completely over the boys’ feud. She just wanted to lie in her dorm and pretend that James Potter did not exist.

James swallowed hard and Lily watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed. She waited for him to say something, but he didn’t he just looked at her for a moment and moved out of Lily’s way, allowing her to pass.

“You’re not going to say anything?” Lily asked, “No snarky comment, no begging for my forgiveness?” Lily was offended by the lack of effort he was putting in, he was doing what she wanted, leaving her alone. It made it harder to hate him.

“Lily, I’m not going to lie to you. I’m really sorry that you saw that, and I’m really sorry that it upset you. But Snape-”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Lily shut him down, “I’m sure he deserved it, I’m sure you deserved it. I don’t care anymore, Severus is my best friend.”

James let the words hit him, he took a second and swallowed his pride, “I’d die for you in a heartbeat. But I can’t say I won’t retaliate against Snape, I’ll probably do it again tomorrow.”

“So then there’s nothing else to say, goodnight James.” Lily was too petty to leave it there though, she turned to Remus, “Remus, will you write him up a detention for breaking curfew? I don’t feel like his seeing his face.” Remus knew better than to argue with Lily about this, he nodded and she left.

…

Lily could not stop herself from lying awake and staring at the ceiling. After two hours of her treacherous insomnia, she went down to the common room and began to revise for exams. Peter was in the common room, fiddling around with a chess board.

“Pete? What are you doing up?” Lily asked, if any of their lot was up this late it was normally Remus.

“Mooney’s snoring. James and Sirius are talking about something but they blocked the sound out. So here I am.” Peter shrugged, “Can’t sleep either?”

“No, but I never can.” Lily sighed, sitting across from him at the chess board. She thought about playing, but decided that playing against Peter took far too much thought and strategy for two in the morning. Her thoughts were occupied by James and Severus, her clear betrayal of the latter at her feelings for the former. “What are James and Sirius on about?”

Peter chuckled slightly, “Same things as always, you and Remus.”

“Oh, really?” Lily raised an eyebrow.

Peter shrugged, “That or they’re planning a prank. James was mad earlier tonight, something about Sniv- Snape, throwing hexes. I don’t always listen to him when he goes on and on.”

Lily didn’t want to talk about that and she desperately tried to change the subject. Lily yawned, “What about you? Who do you fancy?”

Peter’s eyes widened, and Lily had to fight against laughing at the expression, “I’ve been sworn to secrecy. She doesn’t want people to know.”

Lily smiled, “So you’re off the market?”

“Have been for months. I just don’t bother the whole school about it.” Peter said pointedly, clearly sick of his roommates romantic exploits, or lack thereof. “Seriously, if Remus and Sirius just snogged than maybe I wouldn’t have to hear them complain about each other all the time.”

Lily was laughing, her friendships with Remus and Sirius lately, meant that it was nearly all she heard about from either of them. “You lot are planning something.”

“We’re alway planning something, otherwise nothing would happen around here, someone’s got to be interesting.” Peter smiled an absolutely dastardly smile, reminiscent of Remus at his worst. “But sadly, my lips are sealed.”

…

“Don’t let me catch you, at least.” Lily pleaded to Severus as they sat on the grass, Lily was knitting, Severus was reading the Daily Prophet.

“I never start it.” He swore, and while Severus surely believed this, Lily knew it was a lie. Severus didn’t offer an apology for hexing James, he claimed it was self defense, he always did. Lily believed him, she always did. Lily would do anything to avoid fighting with Severus lately, and she was inclined to believe anything he said if it meant that she wouldn’t have to argue.

Lily shoved him playfully, “I should’ve given you detention, you’re lucky that I’m so nice to you.”

Severus rolled his eyes at her, “Irresponsible, should revoke your holy prefect status.”

“I’m not holy!” Lily laughed, “I’m more responsible than you, never hexed a first year.”

Severus groaned, “You’re still upset about that?”

“I’m upset that apparently you and Mulciber were caught again the other night.” Lily insisted, “Apparently Emmeline heard, she knows everything that goes on.”

“I didn’t do it!” Severus tried to justify, “Plus, Vance is nothing but proof that not all Ravenclaws have a brain.”

Lily tried not to laugh at the latter comment, and ultimately failed, before stating, “I think it’s wrong. You know I think it’s wrong.” Her point was undermined by her smile.

“I’m sorry I’m not Golden Boy Potter.” He rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need you to be morally perfect, I just need you to not hex every muggle-born you see.”

Severus refused to look at Lily, “Lily, you know it’s dangerous for me.”

Lily sighed, “Can we not? Can you just admit that it’s bad, and then you can apologize, and I can forgive you?”

Severus nodded, and they finally did their usual routine of apologies and forgiveness that they had done for years.

“Oh, great and wonderful Lily Evans, will you forgive my poor wayward soul for gently jinxing the first-years?” Severus said with a extremely sarcastic tone, bowing for greater effect.

Lily rolled her eyes, “You are begrudgingly forgiven.” Everything was right in the world for just a few moments, everything was completely comfortable and familiar.
Severus was the only thing that Lily had connecting her to her roots, and it seemed that idea was impossible for anyone else at Hogwarts to grasp. James Potter had been raised in a large rich house, with magic, and with two living parents. Lily had none of that anymore, all she had was Petunia and Severus now, and Petunia was stuck in another world.

…

Lily avoided all of the boys, unable to handle the petty feuds that they held for each other. The stupid rivalries between Gryffindors and Slytherins, and Purebloods and Muggle-borns, Lily very well thought she would lose her mind if she heard another thing about it. She had Mary tell everyone that she was on her period, and that bought her a few days away from everyone with no questions asked, even though it was a lie. Mary and Marlene were growing sick of Lily’s new found obsession with The Creedence Clearwater Revival. As Lily was often found face first in her studies blasting the muggle rock music at full volume.

“Please, just forgive them!” Mary begged, just wanting to play some pop music.

“I’m not mad at them!” Lily insisted upon the obvious lie. Lily was very mad at each and every one of them, even though she knew it was somewhat irrational.

Lily had been lamenting classes, and completely inconsolable when she could not hide from everyone any longer. Lily had become even more annoyed as it seemed every single one of her friends could not stop themselves from hexing each other.

The fight Lily had not been expecting was between Remus and Sirius as they both ended up covered in weird goos, and strange impediments after a particularly ugly dueling match. Though Lily didn’t feel responsible for either of them in the way she felt responsible for Severus’ defense. So instead she let Sirius and Remus hex each other to their heart's content and helped to clean up both of the boys when they were done, often Lily had to drag Sirius to Madame Pomfrey’s to repair broken bones of the otherwise peculiar ailments that he possessed, courtesy of Remus Lupin. Lily had at one point tried to be angry with Remus, but she ended up laughing at both of them, especially since both boys found it somewhat amusing.

Lily had tried to confront either boy about it, but they just shrugged saying they were at each other’s throats for no reason. Though anyone could have guessed that it was due to Sirius’ new paramour, as he had been recently snogging Emmeline Vance.

Chapter Text

Mere days later Severus Snape could be seen hanging by his robes from one of the chandeliers outside the Gryffindor common room as James and Sirius laughed themselves to near-death.

“Get him down! Right now!” Lily threatened, wand pointedly harshly at both of the boys. James and Sirius looked between each other, weighing their options and taking far too long. Lily sighed, “I reckon this is rather warranted then.” Lily leavitated James Potter and hung him in a manner mimicking the unfortunate position Severus was in. “Now, Black, do you care to join them?”

“Godric, Lily!” Sirius huffed, “Thought you were on our side!”

“Not on this particular matter.” Lily gave a friendly smile though her eyes were stern and glaring daggers towards him. “Now, must I repeat myself? Get him down.”

Sirius smirked, “Why don’t you?” Sirius tried tempting her, but Lily knew a trap when she saw one.

“I’d rather you did.” Lily crossed her arms, with an overly formal look on her face.

Sirius rolled his eyes, “You wouldn’t be asking me to do this if you’d heard what he said.”

“Sirius, I do not give a shit what he said, you lower him, I’ll return James. I won’t even fill out the prefect report forms.” Lily offered with a stern tone, making it very clear that she would not be as kind if she asked again.

“Don’t do it!” James yelled from above their heads. “I’m fine up here!” Lily would have cast a silencing charm on him, but one angered glance his way seemed to prove just as effective.

“Go ahead Sirius, do it.” Lily warned, she was nearly taunting him. Lily and Sirius were possibly the most stubborn people in all of Hogwarts, and neither of them planned to back down.

Sirius drew closer, his eyes had a slight twinkle in them that foretold a devastating outcome. Sirius whispered, “You leave now us be or I’ll tell Potter about your crush.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Best you got? Come on pretty boy, you tell him and I tell Remus bout yours.”

Sirius grimaced at the reply. “Don’t make me duel you.”

“Bold of you to assume you’d win a duel.” Lily smiled back, they were locked in the bitter stalemate, neither willing to bend.

“You’d rather watch the world burn than let me have this.”

“I’d rather burn Potter to a crisp than keep letting you two torture my friend.” Lily bit back, though she knew it was a tad bit dramatic of her she decided that Sirius deserved it. Lily was in too deep now, it would look cowardly to step away, or even to call for a professor. She had to stick this out, her will wouldn’t let her leave.

Sirius shook his head, “You’ve gotten bolder since we’ve been hanging out.”

“I’ve taken well to the troublesome orphan persona.’ Lily joked, everything about her parents deaths felt like a cruel joke lately, so she tried not to think about it outside a humorous context. Sirius was the only one to find the jokes funny. “Just put Severus down.”

“Lily, I really wish I could-”

“You can.”

“But alas, my dear lady. Lily Evans, the smartest witch of our age, the only person who has managed to befriend all of the Slytherin trolls and ogres.” Sirius droned on, “If only you were smart enough to realize, that me, Sirius Black, being the clever, loveable, little rapscallion I am, took your wand.” Sirius waved three wands in front of her, one was hers, and another was Severus’.

Lily’s most primitive of muggle instincts took over. There was nothing but the most pure form of blinded rage and hormones coursing through Lily’s veins as she tackled Sirius to the floor as if he were just her older sister. Sirius clearly never fought without magic before because he was absolutely terrible at it, as they wrestled on the ground, Sirius keeping the handful of wands right out of Lily’s grasp purely due to his height advantage.

It was to Lily’s great fortune that Slughorn was the professor to break up the fighting. “What on Earth is going on here?” The professor asked as he pulled Lily off of Sirius, though they were still trying to fight each other like two wild cats.

Sirius and Lily began talking at rapid-fire speed Slughorn silenced both of them. “One at a time! Miss Evans, what happened?”

“Potter and Black hung Severus up there, I was just defending him!” Lily said matter-of-factly, as Slughorn noticed the two hanging boys. Slughorn got Potter down no trouble, but when he went to assist Severus, instead of coming down Severus was raised another meter in the air, causing Sirius and James to laugh maniacally.

After another attempt, and plenty of countercharms, Severus was lowered to the ground and everyone’s wands were returned. “I’ll be informing your head of house about this.” Slughorn warned, “Potter, Black, you’ve got a month of weekend detentions. Lily, you know better than to engage. I am disappointed in you Miss Evans, but I will let you off with a warning as this is an isolated incident.” Lily was grateful that her skills at being a suck up had finally paid off and she gave him an appreciative smile. Slughorn then left, presumably to inform McGonagall of her students' discretions.

“Jokes on him! Already booked to the end of the year with detentions.” James smiled, somehow prideful of the amount of trouble he’s caused. James produced a single dandelion and gently tucked it behind Lily’s ear with a wink. “See you later, dandelion.” James and Sirius were running off a second later.

Severus hadn’t spoken a word, he wasn’t even looking at Lily. “You alright Sev?”

“I didn’t need your help.” He mumbled.

Lily rolled her eyes at him, “You know Severus, sometimes a simple, ‘thank you Lily’ would suffice.”

“It makes me look bad.”

Lily huffed, “Dangling by your robe from the ceiling makes you look much worse. But if this is how you’re going to act, then next time I’ll leave you there!” Lily left to grab her books from her dorm room. Severus would apologize for his behavior later that day, and as always, Lily would forgive him.

Whenever Lily tried to express her annoyance about the incident, she would be met with hysterical laughter from Sirius and a slightly apologetic look from James, though she knew that was less about the action itself and more about her disapproval. James apparently couldn’t live with himself if Lily was mad at him, he was practically following her.

“Lily! I’m sorry, I promise.” He had stated repeatedly, though Lily didn’t much care whether he was sorry or not, because she knew he wouldn’t apologize to Severus.

“James, you can’t do that, you can’t torture him.” Lily chided.

James had a small pout on his lips, and Lily bit her own lip as she stared, her eyes lingered for a moment too long. She could kiss him and he would stop pouting, she hated how he pouted and sulked. Lily shook the thought from her head, “I swear, you wouldn’t think so highly of him if you heard what he was saying.”

Lily steadied her breath, she couldn’t deal with this, she could hardly look at James without her stupid emotions and hormones collapsing around her. She was scared she could no longer control herself around the annoying, spoiled boy. “I don’t want to hear it, Potter. Leave me alone.” Lily turned away from him quickly before sauntering off with her hair swaying behind her. Lily didn’t have to glance behind her to know that James was staring.

…

The year was drawing to a close, and for the first time ever, Lily had no idea what her summer was going to look like. Petunia had not been responding to many of Lily’s letters lately with the excuse that she had to prepare for her own exams.

Lily had been holed up in the library, she felt like she was more behind than usual. Her family stuff, romance drama, and raging emotions had all caused her to lose focus on her studies. Potions was easy, she had been locked in Slughorn’s office most afternoons. Though Lily did fear she may lose her place as top of Charms, more specifically she was worried she would lose her spot to James Potter, and under no circumstances could she allow this to happen.

To make matters even worse, James had begun to join Lily and Remus in their late night study sessions in the common room. Lily tried to scare him away, but he was undeterred by the angered glances she cast his way. Rather, James Potter was nearly completely uninterested in Lily Evans at this time, he was simply studying quietly, occasionally asking questions or answering questions Lily and Remus posed. Somehow, James’ helpfulness angered her even more, how dare he suddenly become so kind and responsible when she was already fighting off feelings for him. He had far too much nerve. Lily begrudgingly assisted James with Potions, and James helped Lily in Herbology, which he had vastly improved in since tending to the small garden of dandelions in the boys' dorm.

Lily was utterly certain that if James kept studying with her she would fail every class. He made it impossible to focus, and if he had truly felt this way about her, then Lily wondered how he ever got anything done. Lily tried her hardest to push James as far from her mind as possible, which was difficult when he always found a way to be right beside her.

“Evans, which potion is this?” James asked, staring at the flashcards she had let him borrow.

Lily hardly glanced his way, “Draught of peace. Now hush, I’m busy.” Lily had been carefully trying to snip off some of the mandrake root without the plant screaming loud enough to wake the whole tower. Pruning the godforsaken plant was the bane of Lily’s existence and even worse, part of the final. Her hands were too shaky, and a little too sweaty to get a solid grip on the plant.

“I swear Red, if that thing bursts my eardrums, I’ll have your head.” Remus warned, knowing what was about to happen.

Lily went to snip something but the sheers were quickly snatched away from her by Remus. “Hey!”

“You were about to snip the wrong part, you should thank me.” He said, cautiously handing the sheers back to her.

Lily groaned, “I’m going to fail this class!”

“Good thing you’re Marlene’s partner and not mine.” Remus joked and Lily smacked his arm. “I mean, good thing I’ve got you for Potions or I’d be in the same boat.” He corrected himself and Lily rolled her eyes at him.

“You’re an idiot.” Lily teased. “Marlene’s hardly any better in the stupid class.”

Remus smiled, “I got Pete, reckon I’ve gonna get another perfect score. Might beat you in everything this year Evans! Take your spot as top of our class.”

Lily glowered at him, she knew it was a joke, she knew it was meant to be friendly, but the idea of anyone beating her academically made her blood boil. Lily faked a smile and a laugh, and studied more than she ever had in her life.

The first step was beating James at Charms, this was easy enough as Lily had always been naturally gifted in Charms and her essays were always better written than Potter’s. It was however, made significantly more frustrating as James was unable to stop himself from bragging about his natural talent and flaunting it at every chance he got. “I can help you, if you want.” He would offer smugly.

“Why, don’t you want to beat me?”

James wore that signature grin he always wore, “Anything for the future Mrs. Potter.” He said it with such unabashed certainty, he had taken full ownership over the joke Sirius had teased Lily over for years. Lily faked gagged at the statement, causing James to roll his eyes. “Come off it Evans, I know you like me too.”

“In your bloody dreams, Potter!”

James laughed, “In my dreams we do much much worse than getting married.”

Lily hexed James and soon pus was squirting out of his nose.

Transfiguration was a bit more difficult than usual, James, Sirius, and Peter had all surpassed any expectations of the class this year and Lily could not figure out why. They had certainly had to figure it out for one of the tricks they pulled, but Lily couldn’t pinpoint which one or why. It was particularly infuriating in the idea that McGonagall seemingly adored them.

Herbology was a lost cause. Arithmancy was easy and the only Gryffindor that was in the class was Peter, who was at average, at best, in the subject. Divination was difficult only due to the fact that Lily had no idea how to predict something correctly or what any of the criteria was. Ancient Runes had Lily fighting against Sirius Black once more, he seemingly grew up around any and all magical artifacts and apparently he spoke four languages giving him a natural advantage despit his lack of studying. Remus was bound to beat Lily in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and was neck-and-neck with Lily for History, as always.

As for Astronomy, she had Regulus for that.

If Lily did anything but study and sleep in the week before exams it had yet to be seen. However, it did pay off, as by only three grade points, Lily came out as first in her class against the other Gryffindors, surprisingly, Sirius Black came in second instead of Remus, and it would continue to be a point of contention.

Chapter Text

Petunia was late picking Lily up from the Hogwarts express. Lily’s parents never used to be late, and as Lily remembered this she felt the familiar anger at the world rise to her throat like a fire. Lily debated going home with the McKinnons and staying with them all Summer, but decided it would be rude and so she begrudgingly put faith in her sister that she would show up.

Lily waited at King’s Cross station for over an hour, spending her time awkwardly sitting on the ground against the stone pillars and staring at the ceiling of glass and metal. “Lily!” Petunia panted, “Sorry, Vernon was home late, and I had to borrow his car in order to get you. Then there was so much traffic, you wouldn’t believe it.”

Lily nodded silently, trying not to scowl or cry. Once she collected herself she followed Petunia out of the transit station. “You’re living with Vernon now.”

“Yeah, I can’t sell the house until you’re eighteen and you get your share. But we can’t afford the electric bills and it’s so far from my work.” Petunia babbled on and on about her reasons, and Lily felt like she should feel bad for not caring, but she truly did not care. “Lily? Lily?” Her sister was waving her hand in front of her. “Goodness, you really were not listening.”

“Huh? Sorry.” Lily mumbled, her mind too clouded with memories and horrors, and most pressingly, her hatred for Vernon Dursley.

“I asked if you needed to use the restroom before the drive.”

“Oh, I’m fine.” Lily answered quickly, wanting to get out of King’s Cross as quickly as possible.

The drive to the Dursley’s residence had no discussion, other than the occasional reminder that Lily couldn’t let the Dursley’s know about her magic. There was just blaring music from the radio Petunia hated every song that Lily liked, and so there was an annoying lack of ABBA and David Bowie, instead there was an overwhelming amount of Barry Manilow.

Baby Love by The Supremes came on, and Lily switched the station, eliciting questions from Petunia, “You love the Supremes.”

“Not anymore.” Lily crossed her arms.

Petunia raised an eyebrow, “If you’re gonna be a brat then I’ll leave you on the side of the road.”

“I’m not being a brat.” Lily pouted, “You just hate good music.”

“And you like The Supremes, so either tell me what’s wrong, or cut out the stupid edgy teen shit.” Petunia chastised.

“Whatever.” Lily rolled her eyes. She was not in the mood to deal with Petunia. The muggle clothes Lily was wearing were too tight, she had grown out of them over the past year. The car smelled like Vernon, which is to say of sweat and far too much cologne.

Lily was in an awful mood as they pulled up to the absolutely ugly gray bricked house. It was two stories, but seemed slightly too thin for a house keeping at least five people, soon to be six. Lily realized that there was not room for six people in the small house as Petunia placed her objects in a cupboard under the stairs, where there was a make-shift bed from what looked to be couch cushions and a semi-deflated airmattress.

“You must be kidding me.” Lily insisted to her sister.

Petunia sighed, “Be polite, we’ve no where else to go.”

“I could have arranged something, if I had known you were making me sleep in a bloody cupboard.” Lily huffed. “I thought we’d be going to our house.”

Petunia sighed, “Lily, we can’t afford it. Dad didn’t leave us much money, and I’d rather not blow it in one summer. The Dursley’s gave me a job, they are letting us stay here for free, you’ll be polite and not ruin this for me.”

“It shouldn’t matter how I act, they still think I’m from an insane asylum, don’t they?”

Petunia rolled her eyes, “That was three years ago, get over it.”

“No.” Lily crossed her arms. “They think I’m crazy.”

“They think you go to a boarding school for troubled youths.” Petunia corrected, “And you’re certainly acting the part.” Lily bit her lip, slightly ashamed of her behavior that day. “Now, give me your wand.”

“Hell no!” Lily shouted, and Petunia shushed her.

“Lily, I do not have time for this. I’m trying to keep us alive, I do not have the time nor energy to discipline a spoiled brat. Now give me the bloody wand, because if they find out about this we’re on the street and I’m out of a job.” Petunia gritted, and Lily handed it over as she finally realized the severity of the situation.

…

Lily had never had a less pleasant dining experience than she did the first time she ate dinner with the Dursley family. Lily was sat between Petunia and Marjorie Dursley, Vernon’s older sister. Lily wasn’t sure that she’d ever felt the desire to hurt someone, not truly, until she met Marjorie Dursley.

Marjorie was a large woman with a startling resemblance to her brother. Lily thought they even shared the same moustache. Marjorie wore large pearls that dangled everywhere and golden rings on each finger, though Lily noticed there was no wedding band. The jewelry that Marjorie wore was probably worth more than the Evan’s house. The way that she flaunted her apparent wealth was strange considering that she was still living in her parents house, that was much smaller than the jewelry would have one believe. Marjorie, though at least in her twenties, could not stop pestering fifteen-year-old Lily.

“So Lillian-”

“It’s just Lily.” Lily smiled politely. But was met with an apparent scowl of disapproval, “Sorry.” Lily apologized though it came out as more of a question because she didn’t know what she was apologizing for.

“That’s an awful name, so common.” Marjorie critiqued, and Lily instantly felt antagonised by the woman.

“Well, it’s my name.” Lily laughed awkwardly, trying to bite her tongue and do as her sister had said, remembering how much they needed the housing.

“I’ll call you Lillian.” Marjorie stated without room for argument, and despite her attempts not to, Lily pulled a sour face. “Anyway, Lillian,” Marjorie emphasized the name, that was not hers, “What crimes did you commit?”

Lily paused, “Excuse me?”

“You’re in the trouble kid’s school, are you not?” Marjorie pressed, “It’s no wonder why, you look like you’re homeless.”

Marjorie was clearly aware that Lily couldn’t lash out. It was like a cruel game of cat and mouse, and Lily was forced to participate. “Well, I am homeless. It’s why I’m here.”

Petunia cut in, “It’s why we’re so grateful for your family’s hospitatlity, isn’t that right?” Petunia kicked her sister under the table.

“Yes, we are.” Lily faked a smile and the most pleasant voice she could muster, the way that she had seen Mary do it a thousand times before.

“Well, Petunia is so pleasant, how could we ever deny her anything.” Marjorie smiled to Petunia before returning to torture Lily, “So, what did you do that got you locked in the loony bin?”

Lily racked her brain, desperately trying to think of a crime or misdeed that wouldn’t result in her immediate removal from the house. Murder was obviously too extreme. Lily wanted to say tax evasion, but she was far too young to evade her taxes. Breaking and Entering seemed extreme as well, so did assault. Though Lily was supposing that every crime seemed extreme, afterall, Lily didn’t break rules. Lily followed the rules at school near obsessively, or at the very least she was able to avoid being caught for the most part.

Lily finally answered, “Got in a fight with a boy, gave him a nasty scar right across his face. He walks with a limp now.” Lily smiled smugly, proud of her lie and thinking it quite smart to use Remus as the potential boy she had beaten up.

“Ought to put you in prison. Suppose you got lucky.” Marjorie sneered, “Though you would be in prison, if I had my way.”

“I bet I would.” Lily was certain that the foul woman who smelled suspiciously of rotten cabbage would burn her at the stake had she known about Lily’s true reason for disappearing all school year. “I am truly a hazard to society, the matron at school worries I may be rabid.” This remark earned Lily another kick under the table.
None of it stopped the harassment from Marjorie and it continued for the rest of dinner, occasionally Vernon or Mr. and Mrs. Dursley would offer a smug comment of their own, but mostly it was Marjorie.

The only good thing about Marjorie was that it made Lily thankful she had Petunia as a sister and not someone as horrid as the giant lump of a woman in front of her. It was far more excruciating to be a victim of Marjorie than of any pureblood, because Marjorie hated a version of Lily that wasn’t even real.

…

Lily hated the cupboard. She could hear each creak of the stairs and her bed would shake whenever someone went up or down. So instead Lily was forced to think. Thinking late at night for Lily was worse than hell itself. Especially because all she could think about was that she’d never go back home.

The little yellow house, that held everything Lily had known, was just a house now. The tree in the yard that she sat beneath with Severus, where they had become best friends, would not get any more use. All Lily would have left of her childhood memories were the memories themselves. Lily’s parents were dead, and there was nothing more to it.

Lily cried, she couldn’t stop crying that night. She could wake Petunia, beg Petunia to hold her, but Lily was fifteen, she was too old to be doing all of that. Not when Petunia was upstairs, in bed with Vernon. Lily wished Mary or Marlene were here, they would hold her, they would wait with her, they always did when Lily needed it. Lily craved Regulus, the way they fit in each other’s arms, the softness he tried to hide. Lily could cry to Regulus for hours, if only for the fact that she knew he’d always listen, and he would always let her.

…

The rest of the Summer passed by in excruciating and painfully slow moments. The Dursely’s had managed to get Lily a summer job at a local grocery store, which Lily was reluctantly thankful for, even though she knew it was just to get her out of their sight. But it did very little to soothe the tight feelings in her chest of longing and anxiety.

It did not help in the slightest that the Dursley’s were certain they could fix Lily’s utterly abhorrent behavior. Their decided discipline included cleaning most of the house. They attempted to make her cook as well, but Lily burned every dish she attempted. They made her dress up like Petunia did, in pastel sundresses and business casual blouses and skirts. Lily had to look perfect, like a doll, and she felt utterly ridiculous, she would have done anything to wear a pair of shorts or pants. Lily had always liked dresses before, but something about wearing nothing but the frilly girly outfit made her want to burn every dress she had ever owned, not that they were up to the Dursley standard anyway.

Another awful thing was church. Lily was forced at attend church every Sunday. This was the worst form of punishment she could imagine, specifically in the fact that it reminded her of her mother, which seemed extremely cruel. The Dursley’s loved to parade Lily around church and talk about her as if she wasn’t there. They boasted their hospitality at allowing a troubled, orphaned young girl into their home for no cost. Lily wanted nothing more than to leave the wretched place and the awful family and never return. If it wasn’t for Petunia being Lily’s last tie to her former life, Lily would have left in a heartbeat.

It was an awful feeling to know she’d never return home, and to know her parents certainly wouldn’t. There hadn’t even been a funeral for their father, and Lily didn’t know whether she was glad or resentful for this fact. It was utterly treacherous to not be able to converse with Severus, she was certain he’d be worried about her which made her feel guilty again.

In the few moments she was not lamenting the loss of everything she knew, she was worried sick about the war. There had been absolutely no news, not a single letter from her friends, which Lily was certain was an awful sign, even though she had told them not to write due to the new address. Lily had grown increasingly anxious and felt as though she was awaiting certain death the second she stepped foot in the wizarding world.

The worst part of the whole matter was that Lily was unable to go to the McKinnon’s. Lily lamented this fact, and argued with Petunia over it for days with no success. Petunia had insisted that there was no way to explain Lily’s absence before school. When Lily had tried to explain to Petunia about the war, it only made Petunia that much more set in the idea that Lily shouldn’t be at the McKinnon’s.

So instead, for the entirety of the Summer, Lily was working and being berated by old women at a grocery store, being berated by Marjorie Dursley, or stuffed into a cupboard that made a very poor excuse for a make-shift bedroom. Lily wondered if it could count as worse than the summer when her mother had died, but decided that thought was insensitive and shoved it to the back of her mind. Instead, Lily was left to wallow in self-pity and the knowledge that both Severus and Remus would certainly be far ahead of her in their studies in the coming fall, which made Lily want to tear her own hair out.

Chapter Text

Lily boarded the Hogwarts Express looking the complete opposite of how she did the previous spring. There was no dark eyeliner and baggy black clothes she’d stolen from Sirius and Marlene. Instead, she wore a prissy sundress and far too much blush, her hair had been carefully curled and Lily thought she looked far too much like Petunia. Lily didn’t feel like herself in the least bit.

“Lily?” Severus called to her, and Lily grimaced and turned to face him, waiting for him to make fun of her for the stupid overpriced outfit the Dursley’s had forced onto her. “You’re gorgeous.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Haha very funny.”

“I’m serious.” Severus insisted before continuing on, “I love it, I’ve never seen someone dress like an Easter egg before.” Severus began laughing

Lily huffed, “Are you done?”

“No,” Severus began to list off humorous insults, much to Lily’s dismay as she waited for him to finish. “Honestly, you look my mum’s wallpaper!”

“Now are you done?” Lily groaned.

Severus nodded with another chuckle at his many sarcastic remarks, “What’s happened? I haven’t seen you.”

“An awful summer with an awful family that isn’t my own, and insists that frills will fix my utterly intolerable behavior.” Lily grinded her teeth in anger, one of the many habits she had been criticized for at the Dursley household.

“You could have stayed with me.” Severus offered.

“Neither of us wants that.” Lily insisted remembering the week she had spent at his house. “I need to go change before Marlene sees me.”

Far worse than Marlene seeing the ridiculous get up was the raucous laughter Remus let out upon seeing Lily decked out in the ridiculous frock. “This is why you’ve been hiding all summer? Lily, you’ve become a girl!”

“I’ve always been a girl, you twat!” She swatted at Remus as he enveloped her in a hug.

“Come on, I’m stealing you into my carriage before Severus gets ahold of you again.” Remus smiled, pulling Lily along by the hand.

Remus’ carriage contained far too many people, all of the fifth year Gryffindors, plus Dorcas. Marlene and Sirius burst out laughing the second they saw Lily, Lily hexed both of them to shut them up, but their laughter fits continued in silence.

“I think you look lovely!” Mary offered, “Don’t you, James?” Mary teased the boy who had turned bright red and was nervously adjusting his spectacles and combing a hand through his wild hair.

James stammered out a slur of different syllables for a second, “You certainly look different.” It was not a compliment, and the fluster that James was experiencing seemed less to do with his attraction and more to do with a sudden lack of it. Lily was certain James had gotten over her in that moment, afterall, Lily looked like every suburban man’s dream.

“You don’t like how I look?” Lily questioned daring him to say it, even though she herself hated how she looked in the moment.

James turned bright red, but he was nothing if not bold and honest, “I think you look miserable. I like it when you look like yourself.”

Lily crossed her arms, she chewed the inside of her cheek for a moment and mumbled, “Piss off, Potter.”

“You look fine Lily, just ignore them.” Dorcas said. This just annoyed Lily, she hardly trusted Dorcas, and Lily was not yet over the incident with the love potion even if Marlene was far quicker to forgive. Lily bit her tongue to stop from saying anything to cause a fight, she just rolled her eyes.

“Remus, pass me a jumper, I’m gonna go change.” Lily held out her hand and Remus reluctantly searched through his bag.

“You could borrow from someone else.” Remus rolled his eyes, handing over a giant sweater.

Lily returned wearing the sweater, Remus was far larger than Lily and his sweaters were already oversized, and so the sweatshirt covered everything, including her shorts, giving the impression it was all she was wearing.

“Potter, if you don’t stop staring I’ll break your glasses.” Lily threatened. James opened his mouth to make what was without a doubt going to be some crass statement, but Lily did a silencing jinx before he could. “Best spell I’ve ever learned.” She told Remus, who was unsilencing all of Lily’s victims. “Come on, prefect meeting.” Lily grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him out of the carriage.

…

Lily couldn’t focus on the meeting. Not when Regulus was right there. Not when James had looked at Lily with an undeniable adoration mere moments ago. Lily was certain it was too hot in the compartment. “Remus, is it hot in here?” She whispered.

“You’re sweating buckets, should’ve kept on the sundress.” He chuckled under his breath.

“I’d rather die of heat stroke.” Lily mumbled and sulked. Regulus was sat two people away from her. She couldn’t speak a word to him, she couldn’t touch him, it was maddening. Lily wrapped her hand around Remus’, absentmindedly allowing herself to squeeze it almost to the point of breaking skin.

Remus made a pained expressed, “Ease up, Red.” He warned. “Dropped Divination this year.”

“Oh, really?”

“Taking Runes.” He nodded, “The professor let me transfer in, on the grounds that I catch up.”

“You could have just dropped Divination.”

Remus shook his head, “Yeah, it totally sounds like me. To say no to extra work and not take as many classes as possible.” He snickered, and Lily nearly shoved him.

“Is this your way of asking for a tutor?” Lily cocked her head with a coy smile.

“I’ll do your Defense work.”

Lily shook her head, “I’m good at Defense now, it’s just Herbology, and no amount of help will cure my incompetance at Herbology.”

Remus sighed, “I’ll lend you my copy of Wuthering Heights.”

“The good one? The leatherbound with the gold lettering.” Lily bargained.

“Borrow. You can borrow it.” Remus emphasized, “It’s my mums.”

Lily hardly thought about it, “Deal.”

…

The sorting was made properly exciting as Marlene had decided to run a gambling ring amongst the Gryffindors. Marlene had gotten almost everyone in on the betting this year, like a proper bookie she took records of everyone’s guesses for how many students in each house and which students would go where. This caused the entire rest of the school to be extremely confused as the Gryffindors would react with mixes of cheers and boos to every student. The interruption became so bad that McGonagall stopped the ceremony to address the Gryffindors misbehavior. When some nosey second year ratted Marlene out, it made her the quickest detention earned in Hogwarts history, beating James’ previous record of two and a half hours after arrival.

…

“Let’s listen to Billy Joel.” Lily insisted, she’d been listening to nothing but Barry Manilow all summer, and would listen to quite literally anything else.

“I prefer ABBA.” Mary whined, and Lily relented as Waterloo blared over the record player. “So, what was with the dress earlier?”

“Got stuck with Petunia’s boyfriend’s family all summer. They’re snobs, tried to make me into a ‘proper young lady’. Reckon I’ll gauge my eyes out before I ever go back there.”

Marlene laughed, “I told you, you’re more than welcome at the McKinnon residence.”

“And watch you and Dorcas snog all summer?” Lily snorted, “No thank you.”

“Why do you hate my girlfriend?” Marlene complained.

Lily shrugged, “She gave you a love potion, you cried because of her!”

“I forgave her! You can’t be mad on my account!” Marlene yelled back.

Mary turned the music off, causing Lily and Marlene to snap their heads to her, “ABBA seemed like it wasn’t the right mood.” Mary mumbled, before putting on American Pie.

“Bloody hell Mary!” Marlene shrieked with laughter, “That’s how you diffuse the situation? With the world’s most annoying song?”

“It’s a good song!” Mary and Lily argued back in a poor attempt at unison.

The girls had an utter laughing fit for most of the song, Mary sang at the top of her lungs, Lily tried to sing along as well, but Lily somehow still did not know the words.

“Are we all better now?” Mary smiled cheekily.

“I’ll be nice to Meadowes.” Lily grumbled.

“That’s all I ask.” Marlene beamed back at her, “In exchange, I’ll torture Potter.”

“You were gonna do that anyway.”

“Yes. I was.” Marlene chuckled as Mary tackled the two girls into a hug.

Chapter Text

The war was supposed to be over by now, according to every student with a parent working for the ministry. But the war was far from over, instead it was becoming increasingly tense and glaringly obvious to even the youngest of students. The relations between the pureblood students and the muggle-born students were higher than ever. Lily had found four different petrified first years during her prefect patrols in the first month of school.

“Remus, aren’t you worried?” Lily couldn’t stop thinking about the war, she felt paranoid, like she could be hexed at any moment. There was hardly a moment when her wand wasn’t in her hand.

“The only one I’m worried about is Snivellus.” Remus pointed out.

“Don’t call him that, it’s so childish.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“This is a losing battle, Red. I’ll knock it off when he does.” Remus smirked, “Caught him the other day, hexing a third year.”

“Is that why he was covered in porcupine quills?” Lily tried not to laugh about it, not wanting to encourage the behavior.

Remus nodded, “Rather proud of it.” A thought crossed his mind and he shut his mouth tightly.

“Oh, spit it out! I hate when you do this.” Lily chided, but Remus shook his head declaring that he’d rather stay alive than confess. “You’re impossible. Let me guess, it’s ‘Abandon Severus, he’s gonna hurt someone.’ Right?”

“Well you kind of hit the nail on the head.” Remus agreed, “But there’s rumors going around, that he cursed someone. Or at least that his friends did.”

“You curse people all the time.” Lily pointed out.

Remus adamantly refused this, “I jinx and hex. Lily, they’re doing unforgivables.”

This caused Lily to pause. “No.” She tried to dismiss it, she didn’t believe Severus would do it, but Lily had never felt safe around his friends.

“I’m not-” Remus started before he spotted something out of the corner of his eye just then, he tried to shove Lily out of the way but it was too late.

There was a loud crack, a slash of green light. Remus was shouting at someone but Lily couldn’t see who, she could hardly move. There was a violent ringing in her ears and the distant but rampant repeated echo in the back of her head as it told her to do a list of utterly demeaning actions one of which was to ‘kiss Mulciber’ who had no doubt been the one to cast the spell. Lily was so disgusted by the thought she might have thrown up.

Lily had a pounding headache as if her mind was trying to claw its way out of her skull, digging at the deepest roots and memories she had. Everything hurt, and Lily was panting as she was able to come back to herself, though she was on the ground in a puddle of sweat. Then she saw Mulciber, more accurately, she saw Remus hexing Mulciber to the point the latter was hardly recognizable.

Lily let herself lay on the cold stone tile of the castle corridor. She panted heavily as words kept flooding her ears. The word that Mulciber had called her time and time again, the way Severus hadn’t defended her against it. It all felt wrong, everything felt too tight, and suddenly Lily was finding herself unable to take a deep breath. The air was wrong, everything was wrong. Lily wasn’t sure if she passed out or if her brain simply blocked out the rest. She only came to in the medical ward.

Sirius was sitting at her bedside, legs propped up on the medical cot as he flipped through an old Muggle magazine, his wand tucked neatly behind his ear. He looked more relaxed and less dramatic than Lily had ever seen him. Sirius smiled at Lily and it took her a second to take in everything. “Are you doing alright, Mrs. Potter?” Lily rolled her eyes at him.

“What are you doing here?” Lily questioned, she had expected Mary, or even Remus, but not Sirius Black.

“The entire rest of our lot is in detention for defending your honor. I was the lookout this time, so I wasn’t caught.” Sirius chuckled to himself.

“What time is it?”

Sirius shrugged, “Not even dinner.”

“I’ve only been out for two hours. What did you all do?” Lily was appalled.

Sirius kept laughing, and Lily had half a mind to slap him, though she was still tired, and sore. “Keep in mind, he did a fucking unforgivable.”

“No he didn’t?” Lily was confused.

Sirius’ eyes widened, “Lily, you resisted an Imperius. You’re a legend, whole school knows already.”

Lily didn’t believe him, and she quite frankly didn’t care for the obvious change in topic, “Don’t distract me! What did you do?”

Sirius grinned wider, the wicked beam in his eyes. “Anyone who walks out of the Slytherin Common Room gets covered in pigs blood.”

Lily sighed, “Really? It was Remus’ idea wasn’t it, from that Muggle novel.”

Sirius nodded, “But it’s brilliant, they were shrieking. It doesn’t actually hurt anyone, just shows them not to mess with our girl!”

Lily was just now registering everything. Mulciber, who was much lower in the pecking order than Regulus, had cursed Lily with an unforgivable. This meant one of a few things, Severus had done something awful and he was in danger, Regulus was sending a warning to Lily, or Mulciber had gone rogue.
Lily shot up in the bed, “I have to go. Now.”

“What? Lily, Pomfrey hasn’t even-”

“Now, Black.” Lily got up and ran out of the medical wing, not waiting for anyone to check to make sure she was truly okay. She was too worried, worried about Severus, worried about Regulus, and mostly worried about what they would do to the Gryffindor fifth years who had just covered their whole house in pigs blood.

…

Lily was not sure how to best gather the attention of Severus or Regulus without making a scene. Lily had tried to look for Severus, but he was not in the Great Hall for dinner, and Slughorn hadn’t seen him when Lily had asked. Lily dropped it and assumed she’d see him the next day in classes.

Now would be the worst possible time to be caught with Regulus in public. Either Regulus would hex her right then and there or else their secret would be broadcast to the whole school and they would probably both be bullied at best and killed at worst. So Lily made her way over to Pandora, and briefly explained the situation before slipping her a note to give to Regulus.

Regulus and Lily met that night in the abandoned Charms classroom. It was dark and they could hardly see each other, but they still spoke in hushed voices. “Are you alright?” Was the first thing Regulus asked her.

Lily swallowed hard as she pushed down the crying fir that was threatening to erupt from her at just the sight of Regulus, “Yeah, so you’ve heard?”

Regulus sighed dramatically, in a manner that reminded Lily of his relation to Sirius. “Mulciber’s being dealt with.”

“It’ll get you in trouble, won’t it? To stick up for me?” Lily asked, extremely worried for him.

Regulus intertwined his hand with Lily’s. “He’s in trouble cause the curse didn’t work.”

Lily felt a surge of relief but a pang of annoyance. Of course Regulus wouldn’t do it to stick up for Lily, he was saving his own ass. But Lily had to remind herself that she didn’t want Regulus to be in danger for her benefit. “Oh, good.” She managed to choke out despite the emotions thrashing inside her and fighting to get to the forefront of her mind. “When you say dealt with-”

“It means don’t worry about it.” Regulus’ tone was harsh, it seemed that everytime Regulus left Hogwarts he became colder.

Lily sighed, but nodded, “Reg, I haven’t seen you.”

“I know.” He bit his lip for a second, deciding what to say, but then not saying anything.

“I’ve missed you.”

His eyes met her own and he took a step closer, “I’ve missed you too.” Regulus dropped Lily’s hand and averted his gaze away from her once more. “Lily, things are really bad. Have you heard, about The Dark Lord?”

“The what?”

Regulus mumbled something absolutely incoherent and Lily was sure it must have been French. “I can’t say anything about it.” He shook his head, “This is wrong. Lily, this is wrong. We’re wrong.”

Regulus began shaking, he looked nearly manic as his eyes darted around the room and he seemed to shrink in on himself in complete contrast to the formerly put-together and collected persona he wore.

“Regulus, calm down. You’re okay.” Lily tried to soothe him, she reached for him and he flinched away.

Regulus’ eyes widened and he began to twitch, “No, no, I- I-” Regulus cut himself off with another frantic look around the room before he darted out, leaving Lily no opportunity to follow him.

…

Severus had found Lily during breakfast the next morning, the second he saw her he wrapped her in a relieved hug. “Where have you been?” He asked as he released her and examined Lily for injuries as if he were a worried parent.

“I was in my dorm?” Lily questioned, unsure of what he meant.

Severus huffed, “I was worried, I’d heard Mulciber got you.”

“I’m fine.” Lily insisted, “He’s your friend, hasn’t he told you all about it?”

Severus gnawed at his lip, “You know it’s more complicated than that.”

“Do I?” Lily pressed.

“Salazar! Lily, I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay.” He groaned, frustrated. Lily tried not to cry, she didn’t want to cry, not about this. Not in front of Severus. He noticed, he always noticed, “I’m sorry.” He instantly apologized, “I didn’t mean to be harsh.”

“I’m sick of this, Sev.” Lily confessed, knowing she shouldn’t. “I’m sick of your white knight bullshit, you said you were going to protect me and you didn’t. That’s fine, I don’t need you to protect me, but don’t let your own friend curse me and then act like you couldn’t do anything.” Lily turned to leave, before she could start crying.

Severus caught her hand, holding her where she was. “Lily, I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t know!”

Lily whipped back around, wand poised in his face. “Severus, leave me alone. I don’t want to see you right now.” Lily went to leave again.

“I know!” Severus shouted.

“You know what?” Lily racked her brain and could think of about a million secrets, and no way of being certain which one he was talking about.

“About Black.” The second the words left his mouth Lily’s wand was shoved to Severus’ throat as she pushed him against the wall.

“You don’t know a thing. If you want me to forgive you, then bite your fucking tongue and stay out of business you’ve got no right snooping around in.” Lily threatened. She delivered a stinging jinx to emphasize her point. Lily regretted the outburst as she walked away, but not for Severus’ benefit. Barty Crouch had claimed last winter that neither side were the good guys, and reflecting on her hexing her best friend with no remorse, Lily knew at that moment he was right. There was no possibility of Lily coming out of the war unscathed.

…

James became far too overprotective of Lily in the days following the incident. Lily wished she could be offended by this, but she felt extremely fragile, even more so after the discussion with Regulus. James, having noticed this, had taken it upon himself to be with Lily whenever he could, often times he tried to be subtle about it, but Lily took full notice of him always lingering a few paces behind. When James wasn’t looming behind, Remus was by her side, not that James had much faith in Remus’ ability to protect Lily. It had been a constant argument between the two boys, even though they tried to hide it from Lily.

Lily made poor attempts not to think about Regulus, but she saw him everywhere she went, and he looked perfectly pristine, as if that night had never happened. Regulus didn’t spare Lily a glance, and she tried her best not to spare him a thought. She focused her attention on the other pressing matter instead, the fact that she had resisted the imperius curse.

Lily did not understand a thing about the incident with Mulciber. She had been neglecting her school work slightly in poor attempts to wrap her head around it. She had asked the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor about it, and they said it was possible to resist an imperius curse if the target was particularly strong willed. Lily being stubborn had not been a secret, but she had never thought the stubbornness would reward her in such a way. There were little other answers for this and Lily recalled a book that she had read on ancient magic.

Lily’s professors had not been too much help when she attempted to broach the topic, even McGonagall only knew the bare minimum when Lily had approached her with a long list of questions for the first time in well over a year.

Ancient magic was an exceedingly rare talent to possess, and Lily couldn’t help but wonder whether she was one of the chosen few. A magic strongly tied to emotion and sacrifice, it was normally seen in late bloomers, which Lily was not, in fact Lily had been an extremely early bloomer when it came to finding out her magical potential. But everything about the strange and somewhat wild magic sounded familiar to Lily. If there was ever a reason for her to possess magic when she was born a muggle, she was certain that this had something to do with it. There was some inherit pull towards her future and fate where this magic was concerned and Lily couldn’t stop herself from falling head first with curiosity as she broached the topic.

It was long nights upon long nights in the library. This was nothing new, except for the ever looming and disturbingly silent presence of one James Potter.
“James, I can feel you staring at me.” Lily sat not-so alone in the library, “Either come study with me, or don’t, but you’ve been staring at the same shelf for ten minutes.”

James awkwardly shuffled over to her, embarrassed to be caught, “Just trying to make sure you’re safe.”

“I know, but I’m fine. It’s been a week.”

James scoffed at her, “It’s been four days.” James sat down on the hard wooden chair beside her and turned the book she was reading so he could have a proper look at it. “Unexplained Instances of Ancient Magic?”

Lily nodded, “It sounds like what happened to me, doesn’t it?” Lily flipped to the page she wanted him to see, unintentional curse blockage, typically tied to strong emotions.

James shrugged, “I guess so. But you did it, so it doesn’t really matter now does it?”

Lily rolled her eyes at him, “If I have the capability to hone ancient magic, then I ought to train myself in it, don’t you think?”

“Can it be taught?”

“Not if you don’t try.” Lily said with an air of finality, she had convinced herself she had at least some capability of it, and her pages of notes she had taken would seem to agree with her. Lily closed the book and turned to look at james expectantly. He only raised an eyebrow in response. “James, what do you know of The Dark Lord?”

James pulled a foul face at the name, “Lily, don’t mess around with that. It’s not a joke.”

“Who is he?” Lily prompted, pulling out a quill and parchment.

James gently grabbed the quill from her and set it down. “It’s Voldemort. That’s the bloke’s name. He’s a quack is what he is. But he’s a dangerous quack, he’s leading
the war. Well, he’s leading the other side of the war, the one that wants to kill you.”

“Oh, are um-” Lily wasn’t quite sure how to word it, “Is Sirius- or I know the Blacks are um-?”

“The Blacks, yeah. They’re helping him, lots of purebloods are. Best to keep away.” James mumbled.

Lily furrowed her brow as she gazed at James, “Aren’t you?”

“Yeah, technically. But my family are bloodtraitors, purebloods who sympathise with the muggle-borns or something like that. All has to do with the company you keep.” James gave an awkward and timid smile, one that looked nothing like James Potter. It was full of fear, fear he was trying to hide deep down.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” Lily quickly apologized, wanting to see his true smile, the one that radiated positivity.

James shrugged, “It’s alright, you should get to know. It affects you as much as the rest of us.”

“Thanks.” Lily’s voice was quiet and small, and for a moment she considered letting her impulses take over and kissing the boy in front of her. Lily thought that this was why she had feelings for James Potter, the rare moments when he wasn’t brimming with arrogance and snarkiness, though she found the bickering with him to be endlessly amusing. Lily could truly feel like she understood James Potter in the few quiet moments, where it didn’t matter if either of them said a word, the points where he was truly kind and selfless.

James let the silence sit between them for a long time, and Lily couldn’t help but find herself staring at his lips, until he decided to ruin it all by talking. “Lily, I know you’re not going to listen to me, I really do. But please, stay away from Snape, he’s more dangerous than you think-”

“You don’t know the first thing about my relationship with Severus.” Lily snapped, and she turned back to her book. Lily didn’t read the book, she could hardly see the words, all she could see was flashes in her mind of Regulus’ eyes, and James’ lips.

Chapter Text

“Severus, you’re mad at me.” Lily mumbled, wanting to make amends, but unsure how this time.

“I’m not mad at you.” He insisted, “I’m never mad at you.”

“It would be less weird if you were mad at me.” Lily huffed, annoyed by how little he cared. “I nearly killed you yesterday.” Severus laughed at this. “I’m serious! I could have hurt you!”

“You didn’t, you wouldn’t have, and you hardly could have.” Severus rolled his eyes, dismissing Lily’s concerns. “I forgive you.”

“I didn’t apologize.” Lily insisted, “I’m not exactly sorry.”

Severus shrugged, “Then I guess I rescind my forgiveness. But you had an outburst, it’s over. It’s fine.”

Lily shook her head, “It wasn’t an outburst. You were being an arse.”

“I’m always an arse.”

“I know you are. But I’m sick of forgiving you, I’m sick of letting you be one.”

Severus paused to look into Lily’s eyes, “I can’t change who I am.”

“Not if you don’t try.”

“I’d die for you.” Of course it was Severus’ answer, he always had to go to the dramatics or the extremes.

Lily let out a hesitant breath, before changing the subject, “Petunia isn’t answering my letters.” Severus just raised an eyebrow at the sudden topic shift, he didn’t say anything though. “I know she’s busy, she’s an adult, and she has her own life now. But I wish she would write back.”

“You don’t need her.”

“I do.” Lily insisted, “She’s my sister, I’ll always need her.”

Severus rolled his eyes, “Petunia’s been a snob and an arse to you your whole life.”

“Exactly,” Lily agreed, “That’s what sisters do. You’ve been a snob and an arse to me for years and I still talk to you.”

“I’m not your sister though.” Severus reprimanded with a laugh.

“No, but you’re basically my brother.”

Severus shrugged, “I prefer to use the idea that I’m Severus Snape, and you are Lily Evans.”

“That’s true. That’s who we are.”

Severus nodded, “And I think it’s perfect.”

…

Lily and Regulus were sitting in the abandoned classroom, Lily needed to see him. Lily and Regulus used the excuse that they were both researching Ancient Magic, attempting to hone the ability they both swore they possessed, but truly Lily needed no reason to be there besides the fact that Regulus was there. She had been worried about him, he seemed paler than normal, and almost in a state of perpetual fear when she saw him in private. Regulus constantly had something on the tip of his tongue, as if he wanted to spill his deepest secrets but wasn’t physically able. He wouldn’t talk about the strange outburst, and whenever Lily tried to make him he would distract her, collapsing into her arms, giving her exactly what she wanted. That’s how Lily knew he was truly dangerous, the fact that he could play her like an instrument and Lily wouldn’t even bat an eye if it meant she was beside him.

“Regulus, can we please talk about it?” Lily had asked once again, she always asked though she knew he’d never answer any differently. Nothing had changed.

Regulus just shook his head, “Please don’t make me.” He shuddered at even the thought of it. “Snape knows about us.” He mumbled.

“Yeah, I know.” Lily whispered back. Something felt off, she knew it. She looked over towards a spot on the wall, it hadn’t moved, but she swore she heard it breathing. “Reg, I don’t think we’re alone.”

Lily cast a revealing charm and an invisibility cloak dropped to the floor leaving an absolutely baffled James Potter. Without missing a beat Regulus cast a petrifying jinx on him. “Bloody hell James!” Lily shrieked at him. Regulus just scowled at him. “Let him talk, Reg.” Regulus begrudgingly removed the petrification charm, and instead locked the door with at least seven different spells.

“Listen, I can explain.” James held up both of his hands to show he wan unarmed. “Just give me a second to think of an explanation.”

“I told you to stay away from me Potter.” Regulus spat.

James rolled his eyes, “I’m not here for you, I was making sure you didn’t hurt Lily, I’m her bodyguard.”

“You are not my bodyguard!” Lily scoffed. “You’re a freak and a stalker. You- you- ignorant toerag!” Lily spat.

James smirked, smug as ever, and corrected himself, “I am Lily’s unauthorized bodyguard.”

Regulus was taken aback for a second, “You’re not here for me?” He sounded almost hurt by the idea, and Lily was left confused.

“You said you didn’t want me to rescue you! What do you want from me, Reg?” James was annoyed now, Lily wasn’t sure she’d seen him so quick to anger before.

“You’re here for Lily?” Regulus asked again, and Lily tried to grab his hand, but he snatched it away.

“What the hell is happening?” Lily interrupted.

James crossed his arms, “I could ask both of you the same thing.”

“You’re a bloody spy. You’re in no position to ask anything.” Lily pointed out, “Regulus, what are you two on about?”

Regulus blushed and Lily couldn’t tell whether it was from embarrassment or pure rage. “He’s an idiot and a liar, and I fell for it.” Regulus was aiming the words at James, there was no question about it, there was not a hint of weakness of vulnerability anywhere, there was not the same softness he used when talking to Lily.

“I never lied to you.” James swore, “I didn’t lie to him, Lily, I promise. I don’t lie.”

“I don’t know what either of you are on about!” Lily was getting frustrated, before repeating herself, “Regulus, what happened?”

“He took my brother from me, and they both left me to die. That’s what happened.” Regulus was holding back any hint of emotion as his face turned back to the usual ghostly pale color. There was not a hint of anger or anything but calculated calmness in his tone. Lily wished he would cry, it would make this much easier. James went to disagree, but a look from Lily made sure he kept his mouth shut.

“James, why are you here?” Lily asked, desperate to not know any more on the topic, not wanting to push Regulus farther than she absolutely needed to.

“Can we talk about this later? I promise Lily, I’ll explain everything. I just” he paused to look at Regulus for a moment, “I can’t have Regulus know.”

“Real mature of you, Potter.” Regulus rolled his eyes.

“It’s not that! It’s- argh!” James groaned. “It’s complicated, with your family.”

Lily was done with their bickering, and quite frankly she didn’t care enough to question it further, not when it was clearly upsetting Regulus. “Will you tell anyone?” Lily asked, stepping between the two boys. James raised a brow, “Will you tell people that Regulus and I are friends?”

“So you’re just friends?” James tried to clarify, skeptical and hopeful.

“James, you can’t tell anyone.” Lily reiterated.

“I won’t.” He agreed. “I wouldn’t, but you hex each other! You hate each other, I was just trying to make sure it didn’t happen again.”

“I know, but it’s more complicated than that. You can’t tell anyone.”

James nodded, “I’ll leave you two alone then.” James sulked to the door and Reg removed the spells and allowed him to leave.

Lily and Regulus looked at each other for a few moments. “Regulus?”

“Please, don’t.” He insisted.

“Are you and James-”

“I don’t know.” He answered in an instant. “Please, Lily. Can we just, can we just pretend none of this matters? For a little while?”

“What?”

Regulus shook his head, “I’m tired Lily. Can we please just pretend it’s just you and me, and you’re not a muggle-born, and I’m not a pureblood and none of this stupid war stuff is happening. Can we just be people, for a moment?”

Lily wanted to agree, more than anything she wanted to agree and wrap her arms around Regulus and press her lips against his and let everything fall away. But she didn’t, “If you’re not a pureblood, and I’m not a muggle-born, then we’re not ourselves. Reg, it’s who we are, we can’t change it. I don’t want to change a thing about you.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not. I’d change a million things about your family, and your past, but not you. Never you.”

Regulus sighed, “We can’t do this.”

“What?”

“I can’t do this. I can’t hurt you, and I can’t watch you get hurt because of me.” Regulus was shaking again, and Lily pulled him into a tight hug to try and stifle his rising panic.

Lily stroked a hand through his curls, “I’m not letting you leave me.” It was a selfish thing to say, Lily knew that, but she didn’t care. If there was one person she would let destroy her it was Regulus Black. Lily was certain she would do anything for him, and Lily was scared of what she became around him. But Lily was an addict and Regulus was her drug of choice, she could think of nothing but his eyes, they haunted her. They didn’t speak for a while, just stood there wrapped in each other's arms, and it was perfect. If Lily and Regulus never spoke another word to each other they would have a perfect relationship. But good things never last, and eventually they had to let go, and exit the safe, calm embrace.

“Lily, what are we?” Regulus asked the same question Lily had asked herself for a long time.

Lily placed a kiss to Regulus’ cheek, “We’re us.”

Lily and Regulus stayed as they were for a long time. Wrapped into each other, the same way they did when Lily was thirteen, the same way Lily hoped she could for the rest of her life, knowing it was all too good to be true.

…

James was waiting in the common room for Lily to return. “James, what did you do?” Was the first question out of Lily’s mouth. She was tired of being strong and stubborn, and she wanted to collapse, she wanted to collapse into James Potter. But she didn’t, she sat on the chair opposite of him, and mimicked the stone cold expressions Regulus had perfected.

“I tried to get him out.” James was surprisingly blunt about it.

“He doesn’t want to leave.”

“That’s why he’s mad at me.” James agreed, “He’s angrier cause Sirius does. He has an escape plan, offered to bring Reg. Reg said no.”

Lily shook her head, “That can’t be it.”

“There’s more.” James sighed, “But I don’t think it matters much anymore. Reg hates me.”

“You look at him the way you look at me.” Lily pointed out. Hoping he’d confess what she suspected.

James shrugged, “Suppose I might. But like I said, none of that matters anymore.”

The pieces were coming together in Lily’s mind, though she was certain she was missing many important pieces, the parts she was missing felt like they weren’t any of her business now. She was content to drop the topic. Instead, she swallowed her pride. “James, thank you.”

“For what?” He was confused.

“For trying to protect me. I don’t need it. But I do appreciate it.” Lily but her lip, her nerves getting the better of her. “I appreciate you James, and all the stuff you do for me, even if I’m a brat about it sometimes.”

James smiled, that bright smile that made Lily have to hide the blush rising to her cheeks, “You didn’t have to tell me, not as daft as I look. Now I can never let you live that confession down.” Lily wasn’t sure whether she wanted to kiss or smack him, so she just rolled her eyes. “You never have to thank me, I do it because I want to. I love you, Lily.”

If life were simple Lily would be able to say it back, in that moment when everything felt right. But life was complicated and the very idea of loving James Potter caused her to want to bawl her eyes out in despair.

“Will you go out with me?” He asked earnestly, it was romantic, he felt cozy. But he was arrogant, he was conceited. He was so mean to Severus, and Regulus hated him. Lily was nothing if not a good friend, she couldn’t betray them, she couldn’t agree. She ought to loathe the boy sitting before her. She ought to scream how awful he was to the other houses.

Lily couldn’t say any of that. So instead, Lily got up from her chair, “Goodnight James.” She said, giving him a peck on the cheek, but not daring to say a word more as she went up to her dorm.

Chapter Text

Lily had wanted to have a peaceful, uneventful Saturday, but as always that had been far too much to ask for. She had returned from the library for only a brief moment and was now faced with a very peculiar situation, as she stared at a large black dog in the common room.

She rather liked dogs, and it seemed friendly enough as it playfully barked and wagged it’s tail. Lily looked for who the dog could possibly belong to but the common room was empty. Lily wasn’t sure whether to pet the dog or report it the McGonagall, so she just looked at it, completely baffled.

“Whose dog is this?” Lily called, but got no response, it was only her and the dog alone in the room. Lily was certain it was some transfiguration spell or hex gone wrong and her only question was what or who thedog previously was. Lily was also not quite sure on the protocol for such an event. So instead Lily sat down on the carpet and pet the dog. He was very excited to receive belly rubs, and Lily was just as happy to provide them.

“Hey Padfoot, are we ready to-” James Potter came bounding down the stairs before looking between Lily and the dog for a moment. James’ eyes went wide in panic for a moment before he turned into a giant stag, in the middle of the Gryffindor common room.

“What the hell did you do?” Lily asked. It wasn’t making much sense at all and Lily was confused by the sudden zoo while everyone else was out at Hogsmeade. “Is this some bloody prank?” She asked, to no answer, as the only people with her were indeed not people and were instead animals.

Remus was next to join, as he came down the stairs yelling, “Prongs, have you grabbed the map?” Before pausing at the sight. He mumbled under his breath, “Bloody hell.”

“Remus, why is James a deer?” Lily asked pointedly.

Remus sighed, “It’s a long story.”

“I have time.”

Remus groaned, “I didn’t ask them to do this! For the record, this one thing has absolutely nothing to do with me.”

“Sirius is the dog, isn’t he?” Lily asked, and Remus nodded. Lily used all her strength to keep a stern composure at the entirely comical scenario. “Right then, where’s Peter?”

“Here.” Remus muttered, pulling a rat out of his pocket. “That’s Pete.”

“Godric, Remus!”

“I told you I had nothing to do with this one!”

Lily scrunched up her face, “Can you turn into an animal?”

Remus laughed, “Every full moon.”

“Right. Sorry.” Lily shook her head, “So this is where you lot disappear to. Is it- well, because of your furry little problem?”

Remus nodded, “Wolves don’t harm animagus. Not in animagus form.”

“Bloody hell, animagus, that’s bloody difficult. Thought it was just some messed up spell.” Lily mumbled, before her jaw slacked, and she shouted, “That’s how you lot beat me in Transfiguration! I knew you didn’t study!”

“Take it up with Black, he did all the research.” Remus shrugged.

“You lot can turn back now.” Lily huffed, wanting the other’s input. But she watched the deer shake it’s head furiously.

“Well um when they transform back-” Remus blushed, as the unabashed and unashamed Sirius Black turned back into his regular self, completely nude.

“SIRIUS!” Lily shrieked.

Sirius made no effort to cover himself as he strode over and up to his dorm room, “You asked us to turn back. Should’ve known dogs don’t wear clothes.” Sirius laughed as he disappeared up the boys staircase.

“No wonder you like him.” Lily giggled to Remus, who retaliate with a small stinging hex, causing Lily to yelp amidst her fit of laughter.

Eventually the boys all left, and Lily was unsurprised to later hear that all of the Slytherins robes had turned red and gold. They boys robes had been turned sentient in return, and continued to pummel them and soar around the castle. There were many detentions that week.

…

Defense Against the Dark Arts was not typically as intense as it had been this year, with heavy emphasis on counter-spells. Lily was certain that this was a strategic move to keep students safe around the castle.

The creatures they encountered were just as awful. In particular, Lily hated the bogart. Lily couldn’t do the spell, she was too busy crying. It had been the only time she couldn’t do the spell in the class. But she couldn’t help but stare at the cold lifeless corpse of her sister in front of her. Lily was ushered out of the classroom after the complete melt-down. Lily wondered if she’d rather fail the class then have to see that ever again.

Lily had been scared of lots of things, but she felt this sick, twisted feeling of relief, that her parents were already dead so she wouldn’t have to worry about that. Lily was disgusted with herself, ashamed that she started weeping in front of the whole class. If she had encountered the bogart in the wild she could have died.

Remus had left the room shortly after Lily, he refused to face the bogart, so at least her grade wouldn’t be much worse than his.

“What was yours?” Lily asked, wiping the tears from her eyes and hoping for a distraction.

“Didn’t get there.” Remus shrugged, “But I know what it would have been.” Lily raised an eyebrow, wordlessly requesting clarification, “The wolf. Can’t explain that.”

“Oh.”

“I um- I saw Snape’s.” Remus suggested awkwardly, “It was you.”

Lily scrunched her face up, “It was me?”

“Well, you but-” He paused for a second before finishing the statement, “dead.”

Lily laid her head on Remus, she shed a few more tears, but had explicitly requested not to talk about it, so they just sat there, talking about their latest chapter due for History of Magic.

…

Lily was laying on the couch with her head in Remus’ lap as they were both reading. It was peaceful and calm as they both individually read copies of Wuthering Heights, but the calm did not remain as Sirius and James came tumbling into the common room.

“Mooney! You’ll never guess what we just did!” Sirius shouted as he was practically pushing James over to reach them both first.

“You can’t tell, Evans!” James nearly tackled Sirius to keep his mouth shut.

Lily sighed, sitting up, “You hexed Severus, didn’t you?”

James turned bright red, as if he were caught for a crime. “Well, he’s entirely safe, just an ego bruise really.”

“Spit it out, one of you, so that I can yell at you, and hex James and we can be done with it.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“You’re no fun when Snivellus is involved!” Sirius complained, “Lighten up, Evans, it’s just fun.”

Lily’s face turned stern and cold, she didn’t typically hold the same resentment for Black that she once did, way back in their first year. But there were moments that made Lily want to murder the arrogant, rich boy who had no idea what Severus Snape was really like. “I’m sorry? I’m not fun?” Lily pressed, she knew it was a little snobbish of her, but she couldn’t help it.

Sirius Black was not one to back off though, he doubled down. “Yeah, you’ve got a stick in your ass.”

Lily huffed, utterly annoyed at him. Lily hexed James and Sirius causing both of the boys to have bats flying out of their nostrils. James didn’t retaliate, he never did, but Sirius was another story, and soon Lily had pus erupting from her ears. Remus had to break them up by taking both their wands. Remus did all of the counterjinxes and had them all go their separate ways.

…

“They set my robes on fire, Lily.” Severus grumbled at the Slug Club party. “I look ridiculous like this.”

“They’re perfectly fine party robes.” Lily sighed, before spotting someone, “Hide me. Adrian is over there.” She ducked behind Severus as he laughed at her, waiting for Adrian to pass. “It’s not funny, he’s still upset about it.”

“He can’t be that mad, he’s here with Charity.” Severus pointed out the presence of the blonde, who was typically far more giddy than she was smart.

Lily sighed, “Oh, sorry Sev.”

Severus shrugged, “I’m here with you.”

“As friends.” Lily reminded cheekily.

“Best friends.” Severus added and Lily laughed in agreement.

Music and chatter filled the air and Lily dragged Severus to the entirely empty dance floor. “Come on, spin me!” Lily asked, Severus was hesitant until Lily taunted him, “Oh come on and dance with me! Remus would!” This caused Severus to abandon any of his prior reservations, unwilling to seem lesser than his rival

The dance floor was soon filled with students dancing and spinning wildly to the upbeat instrumentals. “May I cut in?” Pandora asked Severus, and he begrudgingly allowed Pandora and Lily to take turned waltzing each other around the room. “Regulus wants to dance with you, but he says it will ruin his reputation.” Pandora giggled in a whisper with a small nod to the boy who was trying not to sulk.

“You’re both outrageous.” Lily laughed, trying to dismiss the comment. If it were that easy to push Regulus out of her mind though, she would never think about him, but she always thought about him. In his sleek black regal robes that fit him just right, accenting his gray eyes that threatened to break his monochromatic nature with their slight hint of blue. He would be the death of Lily if she didn’t look away, so she was grateful when she found herself being spun around by Pandora yet again.

Lily was no match for whatever fancy pureblood dancing Pandora was used to and before long Lily was dizzy and trying extremely hard no to fall flat on her ass. She ended up bumping back into Severus who steadied her before laughing hysterically.

…

The Marauders had taken it upon themselves to raise everyone’s holiday spirits as the war became more and more serious. Tinsel and various knick-knacks were strewn about the common room. Apparently they had learned some Christmas carols in their muggle studies class. This caused everyone to be reminded that James Potter could not sing to save his life, but not for lack of trying.

Mistletoe hung over almost every door frame, and James had tried to get Lily underneath the mistletoe at every chance. Each time he did Lily would jinx him to grow a white beard reminiscent of Santa Claus, this only caused more raucous laughter and if anything, encouraged James’ persistent behavior.

Lily had caught Remus kissing Sirius under the mistletoe but both of them swore that it was just due to the holiday tradition, claiming that they had no feelings for each other.

Chapter Text

No one was as concerned about Lily Evans plans for the holiday break as Marlene was. Lily continually insisted that she would be perfectly fine staying at Hogwarts again, but Marlene would hear none of it. So Lily was at the McKinnon’s for the Winter holiday. Due to the proximity, she was also frequently at the Lupin household and Potter household, the latter being against her will.

Mrs. McKinnon came to pick the girls up from King’s Cross. She was dressed pristinely, as if she came straight from an ad for kitchen appliances. “Girls!” She cheered with a warm motherly smile that nearly made Lily melt.

“Hello Mrs. McKinnon! Thanks for having me.” Lily tried to smile with the same warmth, but it came out awkward and strained. Mrs. McKinnon didn’t notice though, as she quickly wrapped Lily in a bone crushing hug, before she even greeted her daughter properly.

“Call me Addison, darling, you’re always more than welcome.” Mrs. McKinnon’s warmth didn’t dwindle as she turned to her own daughter and began to chastise her, “Marlene Elspeth! What are you wearing?”

Lily had thought Marlene looked rather cool, with the ripped black jeans and tattered Led Zepplin shirt. But Marlene’s mother had never been much of a fan of the rock ‘n roll scene that Marlene was so fond of. Marlene just rolled her eyes, “Mum, you’re just getting old.” This earned Marlene a swat on the back of her head before they apparated away.

…

Lily was utterly exhausted, and though she truly loved her friends, she wanted nothing more than to quietly read and sleep with as little human interaction as possible. However, instead, Lily was dragged outside in the snow as Marlene, James, and Peter threw snowballs at each other with magically enhanced speed, leaving large bruises upon them all. Lily sat shivering on the porch step by Remus, who was still recovering after a particularly bad moon a few days ago.

“It’s freezing out here, how are you wearing that?” Lily stared at Remus in his audacity, wearing shorts and a t-shirt while she was bundled in as many coats as she could fit on at once.

Remus shrugged, “I’m hot, I’m always hot.”

“Sirius sure thinks so.”

Remus turned bright red, “He told you?” Remus asked instantly.

Lily was confused, “What?”

“Nothing.” Remus tried to take it back, but it was far too late.

“Told me what, Remus?” Lily pressed, and Remus shut his eyes tight and shook his head, he knew his mistake. “Remus! Told me what?” Lily kept asking until Remus had enough, and joined the snowball fight, willing to do anything to escape her.

At dinner that night Lily was incorrigible. She kept whispering to Remus throughout the meal. The Lupins were hosting that night, so he couldn’t excuse himself away or go home. Remus was too polite to hex Lily, or at least too knowledgeable of how his parents would react to hex Lily in front of them.

“Remus!” Lily pouted, she had not stopped asking for nearly four hours straight.

Remus snapped, “Knock it off, Evans!”

“Geez, don’t have to be so rude.” Lily crossed her arms.

“Yes I do. You’re getting on my last nerve.” Remus groaned, “So knock it off before I knock you on your ass.”

“You snogged him, didn’t you?”

Remus stared at Lily plainly, not dignifying the question with a response.

“I saw you snog him.”

Remus kept his dead expression, “In the name of holiday tradition.”

…

Christmas Eve at the McKinnon’s consisted of two things, baking and pure unfiltered chaos. Lily assisted with the former, as Marlene was the cause for the latter. Lily and Mr. McKinnon, who insisted upon being called Mr. Tom, were baking Christmas cookies and pies together. Mr. Tom was eager to share his family recipes, as none of his own children had ever taken any interest in baking. Lily enjoyed him greatly, like Lily, Mr. Tom was a muggle-born and had been sure to express this via his music choice and the complete lack of magic he used while baking. Lily seemed to gravitate towards the older man, he reminded her of her own family, back when she truly had one, and Lily for once truly felt like Christmas was Christmas again.

Lily absolutely relished the baking, and was especially glad to do it as she heard the banging and rearranging of nearly every piece of furniture as Marlene, her two brothers, and Mrs. McKinnon all yelled at each other over how to fit their entire extended family into the sitting room. Lily had underestimated the true size of the extended McKinnon family.

The entire family showed up later that night and Lily was completely baffled. Marlene tried to explain the family tree to Lily, but all Lily gathered was that apparently Mrs. McKinnon had some relation to the Weasley bunch, which bred like rabbits.

“Hey, want to sneak out?” Marlene whispered, and Lily frantically agreed, absolutely overwhelmed by the large crowd.

Marlene and Lily made their way to the roof, climbing the tree the stood right outside of Marlene’s window. “Look at the stars.” Lily sighed contentedly.

Marlene laughed, pulling out a bottle of firewhiskey she had nabbed on the way out from her family’s gathering, “Never cared much for the stars. They’re just there.” Marlene opened the jug and took a swig before coughing wildly.

“Well, I think they’re beautiful.” Lily pointed to a constellation, “Look, there’s Leo. Right at the heart, the bright star there, that’s Regulus.”

Marlene nearly choked, “Whatever happened to Regulus?”

“It’s right there.” Lily said confused as she stared at the star.

“No, I mean Regulus Black, you fancied him in second year? Third year?” Marlene shrugged, “Then you two started hexing each other.”

Lily shook her head, “Give me that.” Lily gulped down the bitter drink. “That’s awful.”

“Well my choices were limited.”

“Whatever.” Lily shrugged, taking another sip, apparently having forgotten how awful it felt going down. “Reg and I don’t like each other.”

“If that were true then you wouldn’t call him Reg.” Marlene laughed.

Lily was beginning to lose her reservations, unsure that Marlene would remember any of this the next morning, “You caught me.”

“So you fancy a Black brother?”

“I do.” Lily nodded, “No one can know.”

Marlene wrapped an arm around Lily pulling her close, “My lips are sealed. Gryffindors and Slytherins, tale as old as time, always ends bad.”

“You’re dating a Slytherin.” Lily pointed out.

Marlene rolled her eyes in a dramatic notion. “Yeah, but Dorcas doesn’t count, she’s different and we’re gonna get married.”

“Whatever you say, McKinnon.” Lily shrugged off Marlene’s lovesick comments.

“Thought he and Potter were snogging though.”

Lily turned pale, she knew that if Marlene weren’t already tipsy, she would’ve kept her mouth shut about it. “What? James and Regulus?”

“Yeah,” Marlene shrugged, another drink from the bottle, “James kept gushing about him last summer. How he was gonna steal Regulus away, save him. Think James has one of those stupid ‘I can save him’ things, ugh what’s that called? Uhm, savior complex! That’s it. They snogged or something, James told me, swore me to secrecy, cause he couldn’t tell Sirius, and he the boys would tell Sirius, but he should’ve known I’m a gossip.” Marlene kept going on and on in a drunken ramble and Lily could do nothing but listen captively in case she revealed any more details about it.

This had been what Lily wanted to know, she was desperate to know what had gone down between James and Regulus, but she would have never thought that Marlene had the answers. Lily also hadn’t considered that she would be extremely jealous at hearing this, she wasn’t sure whether she was more jealous of James or Regulus, and Lily loathed the fact that she couldn’t have both. It wasn’t her right to feel jealous, she didn’t own them afterall. She gulped down as much Firewhiskey as she could handle, in hopes of forgetting the conversation. It wasn’t her information to know, and it wasn’t her place to feel angry at either of them.

Lily woke up on the roof early Christmas morning, the sun had just started rising. Lily’s head pounded and she regretted ever talking to Marlene and indulging her bad decisions. Lily shook Marlene awake, and Marlene just grumbled and swatted at Lily before turning to her other side, away from her.
“Mars, we have to get inside! Your mum’s gonna freak out!” Lily continued until Marlene sat up.

“Oh, Godric. Who let me do that last night?” Marlene looked like she was gonna be sick.

“You did. You let yourself, come on, I’m bloody freezing.” The air nipped at their skin and the two girls quickly scrambled down the tree and through Marlene’s window.

Mrs. McKinnon was standing in Marlene’s room, waiting with her arms crossed and a stern expression on her face. “On Christmas morning?” She yelled, and Lily and Marlene could do nothing but stand there with their heads hung in shame as they were yelled at for at least half an hour, this was proceeded by a lecture about responsibility from Mr. Tom. It was not the most merry Christmas morning.

…

In the following days of the winter holiday Sirius Black was mysteriously present. Remus had expressly warned Lily and Marlene not to mention it, and it was an unspoken assumption that the Black family had finally disowned their oldest son.

Sirius was in rough shape the few times Lily had seen him, but both Sirius and James kept disappearing, news about the war was getting worse. The papers had headlines of just death counts for all of the Holiday break, just to keep the gloom of the war looming over everyone’s heads.

The Potters cancelled any holiday plans or parties they would normally host. In the moments James was with Marlene and Lily he always had his wand drawn, as if worried she’d be attacked at any second. He had been worried about her at school, but he was vocal about how the only dangers there were other students. Lily found the protection almost comical, she was sure that if she scraped a knee he would raise an army.

“James, I’m stronger than you.” She had laughed the first time she had noticed his over-protective nature.

“I know.” He agreed, Lily didn’t think he would, but then he added, “But my reflexes are faster, and sometimes that’s what matters.” James emphasized his point by taking a snitch out of his pocket, letting it fly for a second before snatching it back in his hand.

“James I’m fine, you don’t have to worry about the war and -”

“Don’t say his name!” Peter rushed out, overhearing the conversation, “There’s a charm on it, um, he can find you, if you say his name. Uses it against well- um- people like Lily.”

“Muggle-borns?” Lily asked, assuming he didn’t mean gingers, and Peter nodded.

“I’m not scared, fuck Voldemort and his bloody name, and his stupid war.” James nearly shouted. The air hung dead for a second as they waited for James to be struck dead, Lily looked to Peter who nearly cowered in that moment. “See?”

“Yeah, but you’re not a muggle-born.” Lily suggested, she wasn’t scared, but she wasn’t someone to risk her life over using someone’s name. “Where’s Remus?”

“Mooney and Pads are ‘talking in private’ which just means they’re shagging again.” James laughed, “Oh, sorry, I’m not supposed to know because they’re so stealthy.” James said, making himself laugh harder.

“So they are shagging!” Lily was ecstatic to know the information that Remus had been so desperately keeping from her all winter.

Peter was confused, “What? No they’re not!”

“Come on Wormy!” James groaned, “They’re in each other’s beds every night. It’s so bloody obvious!”

Peter shrugged, brushing the gossip away, “Sirius just likes to cuddle.”

“Believe what you will Pete!” James laughed. “You’re welcome to come cuddle in my bed anytime Evans.” He added with an annoyingly smug wink.

“I’d rather cuddle with a porcupine.”

“How about a stag?” James asked, “We can make that one work if you’d be interested.”

Lily rolled her eyes playfully, “Don’t make me hex you!”

James leaned in and gave Lily a kiss on the cheek. Lily was frozen for a moment as she stared with wide eyes. She then promptly withdrew her wand and cast the bat bogey hex..

Chapter Text

Lily had dragged Remus to an empty compartment on the express. For the sole purpose of teasing him about his relationship with Sirius.

“Shut up, Evans!” Remus gritted through his teeth.

“It’s not a big deal.” Lily insisted, “Are you really that mad?”

Remus shrugged, slumping over, hands in his pockets. Remus would be much taller if he wasn’t permanently slouched over in his improper posture. “It’s complicated, he has a girlfriend, I think.”

“Do you love him?” Lily asked, making Remus blush.

“Godric no!” Remus rushed out, as if it burned him to think about. “Well, I could maybe. But not now, I think. Just started doing whatever we’re doing, can’t tell.”

“What are you doing?”

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you about it, you’re so nosey!” Remus groaned.

“Hey! You love my nosiness, you think it’s charming.” Lily flipped her hair. “But you will tell me about it.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “I’ll think about it. If you’re lucky.”

Lily beamed at him, she was excited for Remus, even if he pretended he wasn’t.

“You do know that means you owe me news on you and James.”

Lily huffed, “There is no news.”

“Oh, it’s you and baby Black then?”

“Does everyone know?” Lily’s voice was shakier than she wanted it to be.

Remus shrugged, “Don’t think so, just anyone who knows you.”

“We’re not going to be able to see each other, are we?”

“I don’t know, Red. Depends how much you want it.” Remus tried to assure, but it only made her feel worse. Lily knew it depended less on how much she wanted, and more on how much of her life she was willing to put on the line. There was no denying that Hogwarts was becoming a dangerous place, and Lily was right in the middle of it all.

“But you shagged him then?” Lily tried to divert the topic back towards Sirius.

“Lily!”

“Did you?” Lily asked and when she got no reply she asked, “How does it work, when two boys do it?”

Remus shoved Lily over but she just laughed and clung onto his robes, taking him down with her. Remus and Lily were unfortunately pinned on the floor, Remus right on top of Lily. It was then of course, that a first year opened the compartment door. All three of them were red in the face. Before they even arrived back at Hogwarts the rumors about Lily and Remus dating were circulating once more, for the first time in years.

…

Lily was unsure of how or when the tension in Hogwarts became so apparent. Lily could hardly walk down the corridor without someone hurling insults at her. Lily was used to people insulting her, they had done so almost every time she gave a detention on prefect rounds, but Lily was unused to the vulgarity of the comments. Unused to hearing the word ‘mudblood’ as she rounded every corner.

Lily had thought that the word would lose its impact with time, but if anything it made the word sting more, as if people were trying to remind Lily of her place.

“Remus, do people say things to you?” Lily had asked during patrols one evening.

“Red, you’re gonna have to be more specific on that one.” Remus smirked, “What about?”

“Your mother being a muggle.”

“Nope. People don’t really mention it.” Remus shrugged. “But I don’t think people really care about the Lupins anyway, not like it’s a great bloodline or anything.”

“I suppose.” Lily mumbled. It didn’t make her feel any better, to know that he didn’t understand. “You’re not a very good boyfriend, you know.” She teased, getting tired of moping.

“I’m not anyone’s boyfriend.”

Lily tutted, “You’re my boyfriend, according to the whole bloody school. You should at least hold my hand.”

“You’re impossible.” He laughed, “James nearly killed me last time, you know that?”

“But he didn’t. Plus now he knows you’re shacking up-”

“Godric Lily, cut it out.”

Lily huffed, “You’re no fun.” She crossed her arms, waiting for a playful response, “Alright, if it’s gonna get your knickers in a twist, I’ll knock it off.”

“Thank you.” Remus said utterly exhausted. “You should know how complicated the Black brothers are.”

It dawned on Lily then. She stopped walking to look into Remus’ eyes. “Is that why he won’t tell anyone? His family?”

Remus shrugged, “Think so, he won’t say though. Says it’s just experimenting.” Lily was about to empathize but Remus expressly forbids it, not wanting to hear Lily’s sympathy. Most teenagers hated sympathy, but perhaps none as much so as Remus Lupin.

…

She had been hoping that someone else was going through the same thing, of course, someone else was, Mary Macdonald. Lily had been completely unaware to the extent of which Mary was being bullied. Mary often escaped lots of the Slytherins cruel jokes due to both her beauty and her lack of interactions with them. So when Mary narrowly avoided an assault during choir practice due to a clever combination of countercharms, Lily was befuddled.

“Mary, you’re not fazed?” Lily had asked after the rehearsal.

Mary just shrugged, “It doesn’t help me if I bitch and moan about it, that just makes it worse.”

“You think I make it worse on myself?”

“It’s not like you deserve it.” Mary corrected, “No one deserves it, but you make yourself an easy target, you get riled up.”

“I don’t get riled up!” Lily insisted, though her tone suggested otherwise. Mary rolled her eyes. “Okay, I might get slightly riled up.”

“Slightly?”

“Don’t push it! I just admitted you were right, accept the rare victory.” Lily teased. “Think I’m gonna lose my prefect duties if I get caught again.”

“No! You can’t. Then I have to do it.” Mary whined.

“For both of our sakes, then, you need to help me. I need to control my goddam temper.” Lily groaned, cursing herself mentally, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to do it.

The next time few times someone shouted at Lily that she was a mudblood or tried to hex her for it she did her best not to react. She tried to do what Mary did and just act like it didn’t bother her. Counting to ten proved unbeneficial. As did taking deep breaths, naming things she could smell, and reminding herself of the possible consequences of her actions. Any and all attempts at being and remaining calm and collected did not go well for Lily Evans. Lily was as far from calm as one could possibly be, and she did retaliate against them each time without fail. She managed to stick an obnoxious group of fourth years to the wall, give a seventh year nearly a hundred boils, and bat-bogey hexed nearly all of the Slytherin sixth-years by the end of the next week.

It had been nearly every day the past week that Lily was in detention, and she thought that was punishment enough, as she was typically alongside James Potter, who could not pass up an opportunity to elaborately ask her to Hogsmeade as of late. Professor McGonagall had asked Lily to meet with her, and Lily was absolutely certain that she was going to have her prefect status revoked.

“Miss Evans, you cannot continue to jinx and hex every Slytherin you see.” McGonagall had criticised, and though Lily tried to be a good sport, she had the most sour and petulant look on her face that she could have possibly mustered. “You have something to say, I take it?”

“Well, yes. I do.” Lily licked her lips, trying to think of a polite way to phrase it before caving in and letting her emotions run rampant. “It’s not every Slytherin, it’s only the ones who think they’re better than me because they’ve got pure blood or whatever the hell that means. Not to mention Professor Slughorn is their head of house and he’s got no problem with my treatment of them. This isn’t some silly house feud professor. You can give me as many detentions as you want, but I know I’m right.”

“Miss Evans, you are a very bright, and very gifted witch, but you’ve got quite a temper and you have seemingly forgotten your manners for a moment. I would encourage you to take a deep breath and try that again.”

Lily’s mind came back to her, “Sorry professor.” She mumbled, slightly ashamed. “I’m sick of everyone calling me a mudblood. So when they say it, I tend to take matters into my own hands. There’s been a rampant use of the word lately, so I may be a bit too flippant and extreme with my retaliation. I apologize sincerely.”
McGonagall smiled, “Much better, that’s more like it.” She drew a deep breath, “Miss Evans, I know that your time at Hogwarts has not been the easiest. But I need you to try and calm yourself in matters such as these, you do not hold the same luxuries as you peers and that is the unfortunate truth of the matter.”

“Because I’m a muggle-born, you mean?

McGonagall shook her head and Lily quirked an eyebrow. “It’s not just because you’re a muggle-born. It’s also because you’re a girl, although you are not an easy target many of your peers will assume otherwise. Even worse you are expected to be far more responsible than your male counterparts. If I could change it then I would have long ago.”

Lily breathed in silence letting the cold facts of life sink in. “Is that all professor?”

“Yes. You’re dismissed.” McGonagall nodded and Lily left the office.

…

Lily was in the library, hiding in a corner away from her friends. Regulus was at the next table, they didn’t say a word, but Lily was glad to be able to physically see him.

“Miss Potter!” A first year came running up to Lily, “Can you help me with my Potions homework?”

Lily coughed, “What did you call me?”

“Miss Potter? Is that not you?” The poor naive first year was now possibly Lily’s worst enemy.

“No, it’s not my name. Who told you that?” Lily asked, and the first year pointed towards an aisle where Marlene and Sirius were giggling like madmen. Lily rolled her eyes, before addressing the first year again, “I’d be happy to help you.” Lily answered the questions for the struggling first year, before hunting down Marlene and Sirius.

Lily was utterly astounded as she headed to the corridor only to find Marlene and Sirius being apprehended by Filch. Sirius was clearly holding back a fit of giggles, and Marlene was trying to flirt her way out of a detention, with an abhorrent lack of results.

“I’m really shocked no one has taken you off the market. You’re quite handsome.” Marlene gave an absolutely darling smile and she adjusted Filch’s coat.

“Everytime you touch me is one more detention.”

Marlene was seemingly dumbfounded by her lack of success and being Marlene, she doubled down. “I was actually skipping class to see you. I just think you’re so handsome and irresistible. I just can’t hide it anymore and you can’t fault a poor school girl for her feelings, can you?”

Lily and Sirius were somehow able to keep straight faces as they watched the encounter, for the sole fact that they knew if they laughed they would ruin it. Marlene continued to double down. She earned a week of detention by the end of the exchange, Lily and Sirius were howling the second that Filch was out of sight.

“Oh please, Mr. Filch, I love the way your eyes are the color of sandstone.” Lily mocked, causing Sirius to laugh harder.

“It’s not funny.” Marlene insisted, though it was the most comical thing to happen all year. “I really thought I’d get out of it!”

“Why are you skipping Magical Creatures?” Lily asked, nearly twenty minutes later, once the laughter and mocking had finally stopped and they were seated on the floor of a corridor, leaned against various pillars.

Marlene laughed now, “Oh, that was a good one! We took off to fly laps around the first years during their flying lessons.”

“Hooch already said we earned two days on quidditch suspension for that one, but that’s what we were hoping for! Prongs is making me go bald from all the practice.” Sirius added with a dastardly smile.

A different black haired boy crashed into Lily, and Lily was confused for a moment until she realized it was Regulus. She wasn’t sure what had happened in the half-hour since she last saw him, but he was panicked. He held on tightly for a second, shaking and pale. Lily didn’t have to get a word out before he noticed that she wasn’t alone, and he darted away as quickly as he had appeared. Lily felt the note slip into the pocket of her robes.

She waited until she was alone to read it,
‘Everyone knows. Goodbye for now. I’m sorry.
R.A.B.’

…

Lily and Regulus’ secret ‘friendship’ had become the new rumor circulating Hogwarts at an alarming rate. Due to this Lily and Regulus had to avoid each other at all costs, even pretending to torment or hex each other was off limits. Lily was utterly miserable about this. She was almost constantly grumbling and groaning about her annoyance at the situation to Mary and Marlene. No amount of 60s pop, hard rock, or American Pie was able to put Lily Evans in better spirits.

Lily had far too much on her mind lately, she had been neglecting her sister, neglecting her studies, and apparently neglecting the passage of time. Before Lily knew it she was turning sixteen, she had not realized what day it was before she was bombarded by her friends.

A birthday serenade was led by James and Sirius through the entirety breakfast as Peter rained balloons and confetti from the ceiling. Apparently the theme this year was balloons, as the girls dorm room was absolutely filled with them, making it impossible to enter without popping them.

“Why the hell are there balloons everywhere?” Lily asked, getting sick and tired of them as Remus taught the other boys how helium could change voices.

Marlene was cackling and in a high-pitched helium induced voice, answered, “Learned about it in Muggle Studies.” Hearing her voice caused everyone to erupt in high pitched squeals of laughter.

The Gryffindors returned from dinner to find the entire common room filled to the brim with balloons, each ones charmed to scream happy birthday when they were popped. If Lily had any less patience she would have set the whole castle ablaze. It was a team effort, taking almost the entire house of students to clear away the balloons in a reasonable amount of time.

It was one of the most frustrating birthdays ever, but it had accomplished her friends goal of getting Lily to think about anything other than Regulus as she was instead taking a kitchen knife to hundreds of balloons all day. When Lily went to bed that night there was a card on her bed, as well as sixteen dandelions.
‘Happy birthday Dandelion! I’d gift you my heart but you already own it.
Love,
Your Not-So-Secret Admirer’

Lily laughed at the stupidly cheesy card, and the damn dandelions. Lily would never tell James, not if she could help it, but for the first time, she didn’t throw out the yellow, flowery weeds, instead she transfigured a quill into a small glass vase and kept them by her bed. She tucked the note in a shoebox beneath her bed, along with every note she had ever received from James and Regulus.

It was in that moment as Lily lay awake in the final minutes of her sixteenth birthday, that Lily knew without a doubt that James had been right all along, he would marry Lily Evans one day.

Chapter Text

“Lily!”

“No. I don’t want to hear it.” Lily insisted, but Severus was relentless.

Severus grumbled something unintelligible. “I thought we were friends, but you won’t even listen to me.”

“If it’s about Remus again-”

“He’s a werewolf, I swear it.” Severus had been swearing that Lupin was a werewolf for months, years really, to which as always Lily rolled her eyes and feigned utter disbelief. “I touched him with silver and he got burned from it.”

“Sev, the metal was probably just hot, plus it’s cruel to burn someone, was he even bothering you?”

“No, but-”

Lily sighed, “If he’s not bothering you then leave him alone.” She swore that keeping the boys from killing each other was like herding toddlers. “If you keep hexing them when it’s unwarranted, it’s hard for me to stick up for you.”

“You don’t stick up for me.”

Lily’s jaw dropped, “Are you bloody serious?”

“Yeah, you never stop them.” Severus insisted, “You choose Lupin all the time.”

“That is not true!” Lily was getting mad and struggled to calm herself, she had to control her bloody temper. “Gryffindors practically think I’m a house traitor with how many times I’ve hexed them on your behalf.”

“Lily, he’s dangerous.”

“Not more dangerous than I will be if you don’t mind your business.” Lily threatened, and Severus was smart enough to drop the topic. “Your potion is going to overboil.” Lily warned.

Severus shook his head, “Not if I add more toadstool.”

“Toadstool? What are you making?” Lily had thought they were making the same thing, but instead Severus had apparently veered drastically off course.

“I think the strengthening solution would be stronger that way.”

“You’re not sticking to the textbook?” Lily questioned, and Severus shook his head once more, before adding toadstool to his potion.

They brewed their potions as Lily prattled on about the latest school gossip, Severus would always swear he wasn’t interested, but it was hard to not be invested in Emmeline Vance’s latest romantic exploits with Amos Diggory, or even worse, Charity and Adrian. Lily heard everything from Mary, and Mary was always up to date on everything.

…

Severus was not easily deterred, he was convinced Remus Lupin was a werewolf, and was determined to be proven correct. Lily was having increasingly difficult times persuading him against the truth, desperate to protect Remus. Lily’s efforts were in vain, she had practically begged Severus not to follow through with the stupid plan, but it was one of the very few times Severus denied Lily anything.

“Okay, if he is a werewolf, hypothetically, what does it matter?” Lily asked, they had been arguing for the past several days.

Severus gawked, “Werewolves are dangerous! They bite people, they kill people.”

“I think we would have heard if there was a feral werewolf on campus then.” Lily pointed out, but of course, she had heard.

“He’s hiding it. Plus he’s got his gang spying on me.” Severus cocked his head over to James Potter, following exactly fifteen paces behind them, and casually whistling to emphasize the fact that he was ‘not spying’. “Potter is following us, we should kiss.” Lily laughed, “Nice try, Sev.”

“It would anger him.”

“Me talking to you angers him enough.” Lily pointed out. “Have you um-” Lily wanted to ask about Regulus. She hadn’t so much as passed him in the hallways in the past several days. “Never mind.”

“I didn’t tell anyone about the two of you.”

“I know, Sev. I appreciate that.”

Lily and Severus sat in the corridor playing a game of exploding snap. “I’m awful at this game.” Lily sighed, missing her throw for the fifth consecutive time.

“That’s why I asked to play it.” Severus laughed. “You’re the only person I beat consistently.”

“Oh, shut up.” Lily chided. “Are you even allowed to be seen with me?”

Severus shrugged, “I’m a half-blood, can do whatever I want, no one cares unless I step out of line. Meadowes has broken almost every unspoken Slytherin guideline, but everyone is scared of her so there’s no consequences.”

“What do you mean step out of line?”

“It’s hard to explain.” Severus threw another snap. “There’s a lot of pureblood superiority stuff, but I’m not a pureblood. So really it’s just that you have to do what they say or you’ll be cursed.”

“That’s why you do it?”

Severus rolled his eyes, “Sorry I’m not big and scary like Meadowes but it’s not like you even like her.”

“I don’t hate Dorcas!” Lily groaned, “Why does everyone think I hate Dorcas?”

“Cause you’re a bitch to Dorcas.” Severus answered.

“Sev! Don’t call me a bitch!”

Severus shrugged, “Technically I said you act like a bitch, which you do whenever you talk to Dorcas.”

“Oh, shut up.” Lily huffed, playfully slapping his arm.

…

It was the night of the full moon. Lily wasn’t quite sure what was happening that night, but everything had been so exceptionally peculiar. Sirius was laughing and he said something to James, then James sprinted out of the common room faster than Lily had ever seen him move. Peter was pacing the common room frantically but wouldn’t say a word about it when anyone asked. Lily couldn’t help but notice that the boys weren’t with Remus, they had been with Remus on full moons all year. She could tell something was wrong, she just wasn’t sure what it was.

Lily waited in the common room, trying to find out what happened. James came back after midnight, looking dissheveled and drenched in a thin layer of sweat. James let out a deep sigh, before his eyes met Lily’s. “Evans? What are you doing up?”

“I’m always up.” Lily shrugged, “What happened?”

James still looked panicked as he ran a hand through his wild hair, “Sirius did something bad, really bad.”

“Are you willing to tell me what he did?”

James bit his lip, he sat in the chair next to Lily, his body slumping over as if he had suddenly aged. “I’m worried you might kill him.”

“Is it that bad?”

“It’s as bad as it could be.”

Lily debated asking more for a second, she found herself scooting closer, wanting to touch James, but she stopped herself. “James, what does that mean?”

James stammered for a moment, he wasn’t collected, suave, or arrogant, he was frantic and completely at a loss. “Snape has been making fun of Remus for his um- his condition lately.”

“What does Severus have to do with it?”

“A lot.” James answered, “Just hold on a second.” James breathed trying to find a better way to talk about it. “Well, Snape got into a spat with Sirius. Sirius told him how to get into the shrieking shack.”

Lily blinked at him for a second, not sure she understood, or rather wishing she wasn’t understanding it correctly, “That’s where Remus has his-”

“Yeah.” James nodded solemnly, “Well, um, Snape went to the shack tonight, he’d just opened the door before I got there. He saw Remus mid-transformation. Snape’s okay. He’s pissed, but physically fine. Practically tackled him.”

James stared at Lily, waiting for her to respond, maybe scream, but she wasn’t angry, not at James at least. “Is Remus okay?”

“We don’t know yet. Depends if Severus tells people, but Dumbledore made him promise not to.”

“Then he won’t.” Lily was certain of it, Severus was bold, but not bold enough to go against the wishes of the headmaster. “Why’d you do it?”

James was confused by the question. “What?”

“You hate Sev. Why’d you save him?”

James scoffed, “Believe it or not Lily, I don’t want anyone to die. Even Snape.”

“So you did it for him?”

James shrugged, “I didn’t think about it much, if I’m honest. Not sure why I did it, could be to keep Remus’ secret, or save Black’s sorry ass.” James chuckled lowly, “I wish I could say that I’m just such a good person that I would put aside everything and save Snape, but I can’t say that. Honestly, I don’t know why I did it.”

“Thank you.” Lily mumbled, before clearing her throat and saying it louder, “Thank you, for saving him. On both of our behalfs. I’m positive he’s grateful, even if he’ll never say so.”

“You don’t need to thank me, I didn’t do it for you, or him. I did it cause I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t. I did it for me. Which, I guess it just makes me selfish.”

Lily sighed, grabbing James’ hand and holding it in her own, “You’re many things James Potter. But you’re a good person, and you’re not selfish for having a conscience.” They stared into each other’s eyes for longer than Lily had meant to, just sitting in silence, seeming to communicate telepathically though Lily was unsure what was being said.

Lily broke their held gaze, she dropped James’ hand and put on her robe over her dressing gown. “I should go check on Sev.” Lily said as she stood up. She looked at James Potter. She wasn’t sure when it had happened, but he didn’t seem like an arrogant child anymore, at least not in that moment. It would have been easier to hate him, it would be easier to think he was a selfish rich boy, another pureblood that thought he was better than her. But Lily couldn’t think it, she knew James too well. Lily didn’t spare James another glance as she left, she was worried she’d collapse into him, or kiss him, or tell him something she shouldn’t if she so much as grazed her eyes over his skin.

…

Lily waited outside the Slytherin Common Room, she knew everyone was probably asleep. She sat on the ground outside of the common room, hoping someone might let her in. No one did, instead Filch found her. If Lily were in a better mood she might have tried the same approach Marlene had used.

“You’re out of bounds, detention. Back to your dorm now.” Filch spat, he was a foul man who somehow let off an even more foul odor.

“No.” Lily shook her head.

“That’s a second detention.”

“You can give me as many as you want to. I’m not moving, and I know you can’t make me.” Lily shrugged, everyone knew Filch had no magic, she could stick him to a wall if she wanted there, make him beg for mercy. The thought flashed through her mind for a moment and though she was not proud of it, she did consider doing it.

Filch left for a while, leaving Lily to stare at the stone wall and consider her life. Oh, how she hated her life at the moment, though perhaps that was just due to the fact that it was one in the morning and her friend had nearly died a few hours ago. Filch came back with McGonagall, once she saw it was Lily Evans, McGonagall dismissed the foul caretaker.

“Miss Evans. It has been a long night for me, as I’m sure you are aware. I would very much like to be back in my bed and asleep.”

“Of course Professor, I’m not stopping you.” Lily said plainly, not bothering to move from the floor.

McGonagall sighed, “I take it you’re waiting for Mr. Snape.”

“Yes, and I intend to continue waiting.”

“Well, I very well can’t leave you unattended.” The professor was tired, she leaned against the pillar, somehow maintaining her professional composure even with her dressing gown and curlers in her hair. “Would you like to discuss it?”

Lily shrugged, “I won’t cause any trouble, professor. You are welcome to leave.”

“I appreciate the offer, but I truly fear the only way for me to leave in good conscience is if you’re back in the dorm. So, is there anything you would like to discuss, on this splendid evening with no problems or drama?”

Lily laughed at the sarcasm. “He’s okay right?”

“Mr. Snape had a few scratches on him just from the Whomping Willow though, no serious injuries.” McGonagall assured.

“No, um, I meant Remus.”

McGonagall drew a sharp breath, “I’m not sure I have the answer for that at this time.”

“It’s hard to be sixteen.” Lily commented, “Especially with the war.”

McGonagall cracked a small smile at that, “In my time as a teacher, even before the war, it seems that every single student I’ve ever taught, would agree that it is extremely difficult to be sixteen years old.”

“Does it get better?”

“If you make it so.” McGonagall answered with a nod.

Lily shrugged the response off, she wasn’t sure that it would get better. “I really don’t want to keep you up. I promise, I’m not trying to be difficult.”

“Miss Evans, I am entirely sincere when I saw that it is not a problem, and certainly nothing to worry about. You are a good friend, and that is a trait to be admired.” McGonagall kneeled down to meet Lily’s eyes, keeping her pristine composure. “This is one of the more pleasant interactions I’ve had with students late in the night. At the very least there are far less dungbombs involved than normal.”

Lily sighed, “You remind me of my mother. I know that isn’t exactly normal to say, and I’m sorry if it’s-”

“I’m honored.” McGonagall cut off Lily’s awkward rambling. “I’m sure that she was an absolutely wonderful woman.”

Lily wasn’t sure when she had last thought of her mother. Lily only really thought of her parents when she was away from Hogwarts, or away from magic. Lily almost always found herself crying on the occasions that she did think about her parents, which is why she avoided it at all costs. Lily hadn’t realized that the prospect of Severus being hurt, in danger, brought it all back to her that night.

Everything came crashing over her at once. Lily began crying, crying hysterically in front of her professor until she fell asleep on the tile floor outside of the Slytherin common room.

Chapter Text

Lily woke up in her bed in Gryffindor Tower, and she was hopeful that the previous night had been some sort of nightmare. Lily knew this wasn’t the case when Mary asked where Lily had been all night.

“I was um- nevermind it.” Lily didn’t bother to think of an excuse, much less have a conversation. Lily threw on her clothes and ran down to the Great Hall.

Lily was finally able to relax when she saw Severus. Her whole body shifted, slumping forward in pure relief. “Severus!” Liy barreled forward and threw her arms around him. “You’re okay!”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Severus asked, looking around the Great Hall.

Lily paused, “Last night, I heard-”

“Nothing. I’m fine. Nothing happened.” Severus gritted.

Lily took a step back, “Oh, alright. So, the scratch on your cheek is nothing?”

“Avery’s cat got me.” Severus said without a trace of emotion.

Lily pursed her lips, she gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed it was due to the other people in the hall that morning. “Oh, alright then.”

“I’ll see you around, Lily.” Severus said, before going back to the Slytherin table.

Lily went over to the Gryffindor table and was shocked to see Remus Lupin sitting at the table, looking rough and miserable, a new scar on the back of his neck, visible just below his hairline. Remus was sitting on the wrong end of the table, he was sitting with the first years, or rather where the first years normally sat, but were now huddled together on the other side in poor attempts to avoid the moody sixteen-year-old.

“Remus? What are you doing?”

Remus mumbled something Lily couldn’t make out. She sat beside him and he scooted away. “I’m not in the mood.”

“You look awful.”

“Thanks.” Remus huffed, “I feel awful.”

Lily shook her head, her fingers absentmindedly tracing the scars on his arm, “You should be in bed. There’s no way you slept last night.”

“I can’t, secret’s exposed enough, can’t give people another reason to want to kill me.”

“No one’s going to kill you, I won’t let them.” Lily declared, “Remus, you’re sick. You need to rest.”

“I know that Lily! You think I don’t know that? My whole life is about how I’m sick, fuck off.” Remus was seething as he spoke in hardly more than a whisper.

Lily dropped her hand and rolled her eyes at him dramatically, “What hurts?”

“The fuck are you on about?”

Lily sighed, “You’re short with me when something hurts. I’ve got potions in my dorm or I can make you something, if you’d please tell me what hurts.”

“My leg.” Remus mumbled, it was hardly decipherable.

“I’ll grab it before class.” Lily assured.

“It won’t help.”

Lily laughed, “Remus, I am the best potions student in the whole school. Trust me, it’ll work, they always do.”

Remus leaned his head on Lily’s shoulder, out of pure exhaustion more than anything else. “I’m not mad at you.”

“I know. You’ve no reason to be.” Lily shrugged, “Which one is it this time?”

“Black. It’s Black. I’m fucking pissed at Black.”

“You’re allowed to be mad, it’s fine.”

Remus groaned, “But I’m not mad, well, I am mad, but not- argh.” Remus was struggling to put it into words, “I should be more angry than I am.”

Lily paused, “Remus, it turned out fine. It’s okay to not be mad.”

“I could have killed someone.” Remus whispered, “I could have been killed. I still could be, Snape is gonna tell everyone and get me thrown in Azkaban.”

“He won’t. I promise.”

“That doesn’t do shit for me, Lily. I can’t trust him, he hates me.” Remus was biting his lip, he looked to be in pain from just breathing and Lily wondered if the transformations were always this awful. “God, I fucking hate Sirius.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’d rather have my fingernails extracted.”

…

Lily and Severus stirred their potions in relative silence.

“Sev?” Lily cracked first, it had taken thirty-seven minutes according to the slowly ticking clock, but Lily had finally cracked. Severus hummed in acknowledgement. “What really happened?”

“Lupin is dangerous, but you don’t want to hear that.” Severus mumbled, he spoke quickly and quietly, but precisely enough Lily could make out every word.

Lily sighed, “That’s it then? Nothing more.”

“Yeah.” He agreed, “I’m not allowed to say anything more.”

Lily shook her head, she felt hurt like Severus was twisting a knife into her, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t saying anything bad even. He was just talking, and Lily had wanted to talk. “I waited all night.”

“What?” Severus nearly dropped his wandas he snapped his head up to look Lily in the eyes. “Lily, you waited-? Where?”

“Outside your common room. I was worried. Nearly got a month of detention for it, but McGonagall said she’d take care of it.” Lily shrugged, “But I heard something happened. I had to make sure you were okay. You’re my best friend, Sev.”

Severus smiled tightly, “Sorry I made you worry.”

“Oh, Sev.” Lily sighed, “I’m always going to worry about you, it’s what friends are for.”

…

Lily and Remus were nearly inseparable in the following days. Lily had wanted to talk to Severus more, but he was avoiding her due to the presence of Remus. Lily and Remus were typically found cuddled by the fireplace sharing a book and giving mean glances to anyone who dared to interrupt them. The person to interrupt them was almost always James Potter, either trying to get Remus to talk about the incident, or worse, trying to get Lily to go on a date.

“Come on, Evans. Hogsmeade this weekend?” James asked one Thursday night, he had been asking everyday, multiple times a day for the past week. Each time that James asked, he was somehow more arrogant, more sure of his eventual success despite his clear desperation. It was probably the most obnoxious of his habits, though it was difficult to decide between his incessant asking and his messing about with a snitch.

“You know my answer, now leave, you’re interrupting.” Lily turned back to reading Animal Farm over Remus’ shoulder.

James took the book from Remus, apparently he had a death wish. “What is this thing anyway?” James stared at it.

“Can you not read?” Lily taunted.

“You guys are always reading, don’t bloody get it.” James shrugged.

Remus sighed, “Hand it over.”

“I’ll hand it over if you talk to Sirius.” At this, James was promptly lifted up by his robes and shook around like a puppet on strings until he dropped the book. “Alright, alright! I won’t try it again! Bloody hell Mooney!”

“Stop messing with me. I’ll talk to Sirius when I want to.” Remus emphasized, grabbing the book from the floor and flipping to find the page he was on.

“Still a no on Hogsmeade?” James asked Lily once more, producing a small dandelion in his hand to emphasize his meaning.

Lily sighed, “Perhaps when pigs fly.”

James raised an eyebrow at the muggle expression, “Pigs don’t fly.”

“Precisely.”

Chapter Text

Late that night Mary came running into the dorm room, tears streaming down her face. Lily and Marlene were instantly on their feet, wands poised invade they needed to attack at the sound of Mary’s violent sobs as she slammed the door and instantly collapsed to the ground.

“Mary!” Lily ran over to Mary instantly enveloping her in a hug, while Marlene was still poised ready to attack. “Mary, what happened?”

Mary was completely incoherent with her sobs, and it took nearly ten minutes of Lily soothing her friend before she could understand her between sobs, “Mulciber, he imperiused me. He- he-” Mary couldn’t finish the thought before bursting into tears yet again.

“I’m gonna kill him.” Marlene announced, rolling up her sleeves and leaving before Lily could advise her against it.

Lily sat with Mary until her upset turned to pure and unbridled rage. “He made me kiss him, the disgusting pig.” Mary grinded her teeth. “He made me kiss him, and he grabbed my chest. I had to stand there, I couldn’t do anything.”

“Oh, Mary.” Lily tried to soothe, but Mary pushed Lily off of her.

Mary rolled her eyes, “You don’t understand. You could resist it, because of course you could! God forbid I be able to protect myself, God forbid I be even a sliver as talented as the great Lily Evans.”

“I know you’re upset Mary.” Lily attempted to hide her hurt at Mary’s words. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Mary shook her head, calming down slightly, “Please don’t. I shouldn’t have been so harsh, but it’s not fucking fair!”

“Well, Marlene’s gonna go kill him for you.” Lily tried to lighten the mood.

Mary rolled her eyes, “She’s gonna get herself detention.”

“We’ll be lucky if it’s just a detention.” Lily smiled slightly.

Mary leaned into Lily’s side. “I just- I felt so helpless. Lily, it was awful.” Lily ran a hand through Mary’s hair. “Everything I liked about myself, feels like a burden all of a sudden. No wonder it’s considered unforgivable, and yet” Mary took a deep breath, “I think I’d forgive him, if he asked. I know he won’t, he doesn’t care, but it’s the sick, twisted pit in my stomach that let’s me know he still holds that power, and that I’m too much of a pushover to keep a well deserved resentment.”

“You’re not a pushover. You’re kind.”

“I wish I was a scathing bitch. It would make life easier.” Mary shook her head, a small smile finally forming on her lips as she added, “I should ask Marlene how she does it.”

…

Mary being upset meant that American Pie was once again played on repeat in the dormitory, resulting in Marlene’s increased complaining. After the two incidents with Mary and Lily, the three girls tended to travel as a pack of sorts, with the occasional addition of Dorcas or one of the marauders.

Lily had never been particularly fond of Dorcas, and she had made this blatantly clear. But Marlene had requested time and time again for Lily to be civil, and so she was, even though she was not a particular fan of Dorcas’ blunt nature and seeming indifference to most things.

Lily found herself and Dorcas alone in her dorm on far too many occasions as of late, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. “You do know that you can stay in your own dorm.” Lily muttered with a little too much sass.

“I know you have a problem with me. You can just tell me.”

Lily scoffed, she couldn’t get herself to look Dorcas in the eye, “I don’t have a problem with you.”

“You’re lying.” Dorcas shrugged. “I’m not stupid, Evans. Just tell me what your issue is and then I can apologize and we can move on.”

Lily crossed her arms, “Fine, you really want to know?”

“Yeah, I just asked.” Dorcas showed so little emotion that it made Lily burst with jealousy.

“I think you’re using Marlene. I don’t think you love her the way she loves you.” Lily’s words were sour, biting, she could have kept going listing off time and time again when Dorcas had turned the rebellious, free-spirited girl into a love sick mess on her dorm room floor.

Dorcas smiled, then began to laugh, as if she found the entire thing amusing. “You don’t know a thing about me and Mars. I love that girl, and she knows it, and quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck if you know it or not.”

“You don’t want my approval?” Lily was offended on this, she was one of Marlene’s best friends, Dorcas should want Lily’s approval, that’s how this was supposed to work.

“You Gryffindors always need everyone to like you, all the time. Must be exhausting.” Dorcas shook her head, Lily felt like she was being toyed with and teased.
Lily wanted to push, she wanted to make Dorcas angry, but Dorcas was not quick to anger, she didn’t have the same temper that Lily did. “Okay, well what about the love potion?”

“The one she gave me, or the one I gave her?”

Lily paused, “She gave you one?”

“Yeah, it’s why we broke up the first time. I got her back for it. We moved on. Do you always hold grudges on things you don’t understand?” Dorcas was being an utter bitch, and Lily would have been pissed if she didn’t know that she deserved it.

“Okay, maybe I’ve been a bit of a bitch to you, and maybe it’s been a little unwarranted,” Lily grumbled semi-apologetically.

Dorcas chuckled, “It’s fine, you’re forgiven.”

“I didn’t even really apologize.”

“I know, but you’re a good friend to Mars, and I love Mars. So whatever, it’s in the past.” Dorcas shrugged.

Lily scoffed, “You don’t have to be such a good person.”

“I am though. Ruining the Slytherin reputation one good deed at time.” Dorcas joked, “So, friends?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Lily and Dorcas had a lot in common, or at least more than Lily had in common with either Mary or Marlene, mostly in that Dorcas enjoyed studying and cared about her grades. Lily had never considered Dorcas an academic rival before, but Dorcas’ grades did consistently put her in the top five girls in their year for almost every class. The thing that Lily liked most about Dorcas Meadowes, was her access to Regulus Black, and Dorcas became another way to pass and exchange notes without drawing suspicion. Dorcas was able to assure Lily what was happening, and it made Lily’s proximity to some of the Slytherins more normalized.

…

Lily had been avoiding Severus, and she couldn’t help but feel guilty. But to Lily’s credit, she was only ever seen with Mary, Marlene, and often Dorcas in tow, meaning that Severus hadn’t exactly been approaching her either.

Severus had caught her after Potions class one day, “Lily, can we talk?”

Lily shrugged, “Sev, do you really want to? Now?” She followed him down the corridor, to a more secluded spot.

“I just want to talk about everything. You’ve been avoiding me, and I thought we were friends. I thought we were best friends.”

Lily didn’t quite know what to say, she stammered over her words for a second, she didn’t want to upset him, but she was mad. She was angry, “We are, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging round with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! Do you know what he tried to do to Mary the other day?" Lily took a deep breath and leaned against the wall, she struggled to meet Severus’ eyes for a moment.

"That was nothing," Severus insisted, trying to defend his friends. The so called friends that had tortured Lily, had tortured Mary, that Severus didn’t truly seem to mind, "It was a laugh, that's all--"

“It was dangerous, Sev!” Lily blinked at him, breathing deeply trying to keep herself from lashing out at him, "It was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny, then I don’t know who you are anymore.” The argument flashed through her mind. What was dark magic, was there such a thing? Lily didn’t know, but whatever they were up to was dangerous, used expressly for torture, and how could he associate with things that were by definition, dark and unforgivable.

Severus turned red, he changed the subject, he always did when Lily talked about his friends. "What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?"

"What's Potter got to do with anything?"

"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about Lupin. Where does he keep going?" Severus had hated Remus, more than a reasonable extent. Lily wished she could slap Severus, or expose Remus, or both. They both knew that Severus knew now, and Lily wished he would admit it, admit what happened so that they could stop doing this ridiculous back and forth.

Lily kept her mouth shut, quite literally lying through her teeth. "He's ill, they say he's ill--"

"Every month at the full moon?" Severus pressed, he had caught on, and Lily knew it was over. Lily knew there was no persuading him against it, and she knew that Severus and Remus would never get along. There was no way to convince him, so Lily tried to steer him away again.

"I know your theory," It came out cold, colder than Lily had meant, but she wasn’t sorry for it, she pressed further. "Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

"I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are." Severus was mad. Lily was mad. The blush from anger evident on both their faces.

“I don’t think they’re wonderful. I don’t think they’re perfect, but if you have your friends then I can have mine. You can curse and hex Potter, and Black, and even Lupin, but you keep your friends grubby paws off of Macdonald.” Lily bit back, “I’m not joking this time Sev. You’re my best friend, but I can’t watch as you encourage this over and over.”

“You don’t get it Evans!” Severus snapped, “I’m a bloody Slytherin, worse than that I’m a half-blood. There is a war happening and I am on thin ice, if they think I’m a traitor I’m dead. So I have to play along, I have to be friends with the people you hate, and you are friends with the people I hate. I don’t see the difference!”

Lily paused, physically backing away, bumping into the wall, “The Gryffindor boys don’t use dark magic, just stupid petty jinxes. And you’re being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever’s down there-”

Severus stood taller, he became more confrontational and Lily swear that for a moment he reached for his wand. “Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends’ too! You’re not going to – I won’t let you – ”

Lily stopped him right there, “Let me? Let me?” If steam could rise from Lily’s ears it would have. “You don’t let me do anything Severus! You tell me not do or talk to everyone, and you can’t get it through your thick skull that you don’t own me!”

“I didn’t mean – I just don’t want to see you made a fool of – He fancies you, James Potter fancies you!” Lily knew that, everyone knew that James fancied Lily, just as Severus did. It wasn’t even relevant and yet, Severus couldn’t help but use it here, against her like a knife. “And he’s not…everyone thinks…big Quidditch hero – ” Severus was so mad he was hardly coherent. Lily shook her head.

“I know James Potter’s an arrogant toerag, I don’t need you to tell me that. But Mulciber’s idea of humor is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don’t understand how you can be friends with them.” Lily tried to end the conversation there, went to walk away.

“Please, Lily!” He called her back, and so she stayed put. She turned to him, giving him a quirked brow, “It’s complicated, it’s so complicated.”

Lily’s jaw nearly locked as her teeth ground, “It’s not. Your friends cursed Mary Macdonald, and you don’t care.” Lily breathed, tried to relax, “I don’t want to do this, Severus. Not tonight. We’ll never agree anyway, will we?”

Severus shook his head, “Do you hate me?”

Lily sighed, she was mad, she was furious, she thought Severus was a brainwashed idiot who was friends with monsters instead of people. “No. I could never hate you.”

“Lily, you like Potter don’t you?”

Lily laughed in shock at the sudden change in tone, “You’re joking, of course I don’t like Potter, he’s a prick.” Lily sounded confident but she couldn’t stop the blush from creeping up to her cheeks. If Severus knew she was lying he didn’t say it, but all they did lately was lie to each other and fight. Lily wanted nothing more than to have the old Severus back, the one where none of this mattered, where nothing mattered but the tree in the yard of the yellow house. But Lily no longer lived in the yellow house, and Severus was no longer that little boy.

Chapter Text

Lily was preparing for OWLs, it was possibly the most daunting and exciting thing she had ever done, which made her question if she truly did need new hobbies. Younger students had begun asking for assistance from Lily and Remus, and they began a study group of sorts, dividing up the subjects between them.

Perhaps it was the lack of time they spent together for the past several weeks, but suddenly Remus and Sirius had forgiven each other entirely. Despite Lily’s best efforts to discover why, Remus would not budge, always changing the topic or reminding Lily of the upcoming exams and successfully distracting her.

Lily had gotten permission to host a Potions club where she would tutor the younger students in the Potions classroom every Tuesday. Sometimes Severus would help as well, but the younger students tended to fear him.

“Hey, Evans!” James was staring at his cauldron as he waved her over. Most of the students were underclassmen, but James had insisted he needed more practice with Potions and based on most of his results so far, he was correct in that assumption. “Think my potion is the wrong color.”

“Potter, what are you making?” Lily stared at the gray-oddly thick concoction. “Is it an ointment?”

James groaned, “It’s supposed to be polyjuice.”

“Let me see your recipe.” Lily sighed, and James handed over the parchment. Lily could see the unmistakable chicken-scratch style writing and knew that Severus had written this recipe. “You let Sev help you?”

“You were helping the first years, thought he’d be professional.” James grumbled, clearly embarrassed for falling for the trick.

“If you had actually followed the directions of this it would have exploded, so I guess you’re potions incompetence has come in handy this time.” Lily laughed.

James smiled, “Gonna beat you in Charms, swear this will be the year.”

“Well, you’ve certainly got no hope in Potions.” Lily pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote a new Polyjuice recipe down, “There, this should be the right one. Do the first five steps and then call me over, and I’ll point out the identifying factors.”

“Thanks, Evans! You’re a pal.” James beamed pointing awkward finger guns at her.

Lily made her way over to Severus who was grumbling to a second year, trying to explain the properties of the draught of peace. “Sev, did you give Potter the wrong recipe?”

Severus shrugged, “Lots of people, hard to keep track.”

“Severus, I’m not mad, just don’t lie.”

“Yeah, but it would have been hysterical if he’d done it right. Could’ve been a perfect victimless crime.” Severus smiled at the thought, “But he had to ruin it.”

“You’re impossible.” Lily shook her head, “I want to make Wiggenweld tonight. Think my stash is running low.”

“You’re like a drug dealer.” Severus laughed.

Lily flushed with embarrassment, “Am not! Not hurting anyone, it’s just handy to have around. Good for scrapes, and hexes.”

“Why are you telling me all this?”

Lily shrugged, “I got prefect rounds, would you be willing to watch the potion for me?”

“Really? Babysit your potion?” Severus scoffed.

“It’s not difficult, but you know how fickle it is with timing. Please. For me?”

Severus sighed and nodded. “Sure, anything for you.”

…

It was late at night, Lily was in the greenhouse, she had missed curfew and opted to try and wait out the night there. She was trying to figure out how to not kill her Chomping Cabbage plant. The practical portion of the OWL was just to keep the plant alive, and Lily was horrified that she’d fail.

“Lily?” Lily jumped at the sudden sound of her voice, dropping her pruning shears and letting them fall to the wooden floor with a dull crash.

“Regulus? You shouldn’t be here, it’s past curfew.”

Regulus shrugged, “Dorcas said I’d find you here. That you’d be studying late tonight.”

Lily sighed, “I thought you made your choice. I’m a no good muggle-born.”

“I never said that about you.”

“About me? Have you said it about people like me?” Lily pressed him, she hadn’t seem him in months.

Regulus hung his head, “I have. But Lily-”

“No. There is not ‘but’. Regulus, we can’t keep doing this, not if you can’t admit what I am.” Lily was stern with him, she just couldn’t take it anymore, not with the recent hexes and curses going around. She knew how the entire school viewed Regulus, she knew how the entire school viewed her already, and that she was already on thin ice.

“You’re a muggle-born.” Regulus said instantly, “I know that. Of course, I know that. I know that I’m a bad person. I’m a pureblood and I think it’s better to be a pureblood than to be a muggle-born. I know you disagree, I know you want to change me but if I change my mind, I’m dead. If I let anyone, for a second think that I’m a blood traitor, I’m dead Lily. I’m in too deep.”

“You’re in what?” Lily asked as Regulus’ eyes darted around the empty greenhouse. “Regulus, what do you mean you’re in too deep?”

“The Dark Lord, my family started supporting him. My cousins, mostly.”

Lily stared at him, “Regulus-”

Regulus shook his head, trying to clear any treacherous thoughts, “It’s everywhere. I covered my whole bedroom in it.”

“Why?”

Regulus shrugged as if he wasn’t sure why, “Newpaper clippings, of the deaths. I can’t let myself forget about it. Those are people, I’m hurting people. I’m gonna kill someone, or else I’m going to die. I have to remind myself what’s happening, it feels bad when I let myself forget, I feel guilty.”

“Regulus, you’re making yourself sick.” Lily went to touch him and he flinched away.

“I deserve it. I deserve to be sick. I’m awful. I’m awful, if anyone should be hurt it’s me. If anyone should die in this war, it’s me.”

“No. Don’t say shit like that.” Lily shook her head. “You can’t die. Run away, with Sirius.”

“It’s not that easy.” Regulus breathed. “I’m scared, I can’t run, not in Slytherin.” He was shaking, he was often shaking at the thought of running. “I should hate you. If I had known, back in first year, what you were, I would have hated you.”

“But now?”

“I’m in too deep.”

…

Lily was studying everywhere she went, she was hardly seen without a textbook in her hand. James had insisted on joining her, swearing that she helped him concentrate, even though she often caught him staring at her instead of reading the text.

Lily was alone in the library, going over how the stereotypes of ogres negatively affected trolls. James strode in and sat beside her. “Have something for you.” James said with a smile, and Lily was instantly skeptical as he handed her the warm thermos.

“Is it a potion?”

“No! Just drink it.” James laughed.

Lily shook her head, “I’m not going to drink it, you’re going to poison me, or give me warts.”

“Here, I’ll drink it first.” James took a sip, which eased her worry some. “See, I’m fine.”

Lily sighed, “You probably took the antidote, or it’s something that works later.”

“Godric, Evans! I’m trying to be nice. Do you think so little of me?”

Lily caved in, taking a sip, coffee. “Oh, sorry.” She apologized.

“Learned how to do it in Muggle Studies. Thought you could use it.”

Lily tried to hide the smile, she took another sip. She hadn’t slept, and she wasn’t surprised that James had taken notice. The bitter beverage reminded Lily of her father, and it made her feel more at home than energized, but this only served to make her more grateful. “Thank you.”

James smiled, “See? I can be nice sometimes.”

“You shouldn’t be.” Lily said, it was automatic. “I’m your arch enemy.”

“You’re the love of my life.”

Lily shook her head, “I’m sorry.” James raised an eyebrow, “I’m sorry for your misfortune, I’m a horrible person to be in love with, really.”

“I beg to differ.” James said as he got up to leave. He placed a dandelion on the table as he left. Lily cursed herself as the feeling of warmth and genuine kindness bubbled in her stomach. She hated how James could make her feel a million things at once. There was no other feasible explanation, this was all James’ fault that she was so confused again, she couldn’t focus on the text. Lily hated nothing more than the fact that she may love James Potter.

…

Lily and Regulus were always talking in circles. Talking in circles, trying not to cry, hiding away from Filch on his rampage to make sure no one was out after curfew. Lily was glad though, just to talk to him. Meeting in the Astronomy tower, forcing Regulus to go over the meanings of star alignments was possibly the most enjoyable night she had in a long time.

“I thought you were good at everything.” Regulus snickered as he went over the constellations for the tenth time. Lily knew them by heart, she had for a while, but she liked how excited Regulus was to explain them.

“Just most things.” Lily shrugged, “That one is yours, I know Regulus.”

Regulus smiled, “At least I’ve taught you something.”

“I should get a star.” Lily mused. “Or a constellation, ‘the Lily’ sounds good, has a nice ring to it.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, “This is serious.”

“Nope, Sirius is over there.” Lily pointed to it, enticing another eye roll. “I think I should get one, unless they’re reserved for the noble and most audacious house of Black.”

“Most ancient.” Regulus corrected, completely missing the joke.

Lily smiled “That star right there, that one is gonna be mine.” Lily pointed

“Denebola?”

“Yeah, if you’re the heart of the lion, then I should be the brain.” Lily poked his side in jest.

Regulus laughed, “Maybe you can, if you pass Astronomy.”

“I’m gonna be top of the class, got the best tutor.” Lily laid on the stone looking up through the glass ceiling, at the night sky. “I could stay here forever, no classes, no stupid people, just us.”

Regulus laid down beside her, leaning in close, “It would be so much easier.”

“Reg, can we talk about it?”

Regulus sighed, “Please, not now. It just makes you upset.”

“But we need to fix it.” Lily bit her lip, talking hadn’t fixed it any previous time. It wouldn’t make Regulus able to leave, it wouldn’t make his family any less dangerous, it wouldn’t make Lily less of a muggle-born. “I know you’re hiding something.”

“I am.” He admitted.

“Will you tell me?”

Regulus turned his head, pale gray eyes meeting her own green ones. The same gray eyes that were everywhere she turned. “Not tonight. I just want to have tonight.”
Lily and Regulus stayed there staring at the night sky, naming the stars, Lily purposefully would get them wrong so she could watch Regulus’ smug smile when he would correct her.

…

The OWLs had approached long before Lily felt prepared, even though she had done nothing but study and revise for weeks straight. Her grades were better than they had ever been, which was an absolutely astounding feat.

The Defense Against The Dark Arts OWL consisted of facing a bogart. A wretched little beast that could transform into one’s worst nightmare. Lily thought this was possibly the worst examination she’d ever faced. As she had to overcome her fear as the image of the pale corpse of Petunia Evans stood before her. Lily had hardly managed to do the spell without sobbing, and she had desperately hoped that it wouldn’t affect her scoring as the spell ended up being flawless.

Remus’ bogart was a full moon.

The rest of the exam was the typical written exam. Question after question of things Lily had revised time and time again. She was on edge, she knew her paper was flawless, and that she would pass without question. But she had been dreading answering the questions, they all felt dark and awful. All the while, she was trying to will herself into first place, which is became slowly apparent she wouldn’t be since half the questions seemed to be about werewolves.

Lily was never certain of it, but she had a very strong feeling that the exam and the undeniable tension from it had led to the events that immediately followed.

Chapter Text

Lily went to lunch with Mary and Marlene after the exam. Lily was biting her nails, she had tried not to do it, and had succeeded in kicking the habit. But she had resumed it this past week and Lily had chalked it up to the stress from exams. She found herself absentmindedly gnawing at them when she studied and she loathed herself for it. Lily cursed under her breath wiping her hand on her robes. She hadn’t been paying attention to whatever Mary and Marlene were on about. Lily wasn’t sure she’d get an Outstanding on the exam, she might only get an Exceeds Expectations and she needed an Outstanding. Lily needed to be the top. She had to be the best in something. She didn’t have another choice, she needed to prove it to the whole school. She needed to prove it to herself, that a muggle born could be just as good-could be better than the other students.

“I hate those stupid Bogarts, shouldn’t be so creepy.” Mary complained.

“At least you got a normal one.” Marlene sighed, “It’s so embarrassing to get a bloody dentist.”

“Clowns are just as embarrassing.” Mary assured, shuddering at the recollection.

Lily cut in, finally snapping back to reality, “No, dentist was way more embarrassing, gotta go with Mars on this one. Nearly laughed.”

Marlene rolled her eyes, “Gee, thanks Lils.”

“Any time.” Lily laughed and stuck out her tongue, causing Marlene to give her the middle finger. Lily looked around, confused because the Great Hall was normally louder than it was right then. “Where are the boys? Didn’t come down for lunch?”

Marlene shrugged, “No, they’re um- out on the grounds, plotting something.”

“Huh?”

“Oh, come on Lils. They do this every year, prank and what not.” Mary reminded.

Lily sighed. “I take it Remus and Sirius are talking again.” Lily had suspected as much, but neither were willing to confirm this to her.

“More like dating,” Marlene teased before whispering, “caught them kissing.”

“No way!” Mary squeaked, “Just kissing?”

“I didn’t stick around to see what else they got up to.” Marlene laughed.

“Ugh,” Lily groaned, “You guys are such gossips!”

“Don’t pretend you don’t enjoy it.” Mary teased.

“Whatever,” Lily chuckled, “I’m gonna go talk to Severus.” This elicited groans from Mary and Marlene as Lily left the table to find her friend.
Severus was not in the Great Hall. Lily was having difficulty finding him anywhere, that’s when the sinking feeling started. She had seen Pandora and Xenophilius at the lake edge, and had stopped to ask them if they had seen Severus. They pointed towards the beech tree, where Severus could be seen, he was nearly choking on soap bubbles, foaming at the mouth as if he was rabid. Lily ran towards him, and the culprits, it was the marauders. She immediately recognized James’ laugh.

“Leave him alone!” Lily yelled.

James stopped laughing immediately, “Alright, Evans?”

“Leave him alone.” She repeated, the anger evident in her tone. “I thought you’d have stopped this by now!” Lily cried out, in utter disbelief.

“Well, Lily-” James began and one look stopped him from whatever he was about to say.

“What’s he done to you?” Lily dared any one of the boys to speak, and in the end it was James. Remus wasn’t even looking up from his book, as if he didn’t care about the scene unfolding. Lily had an idea to hex him, or Peter. That’d send enough of a message, but she didn’t, she was focused on James Potter.

James shrugged, nervous, “Well, it’s more the fact that it’s Snape, the fact that the baby death eaters exist-” He stammered as Sirius and Peter began laughing. Lily didn’t laugh, She stared straight at James. She would have killed him with just a glance if she could. “You think you’re funny, Potter?” She questioned.
If James was smart, then in he wouldn’t have answered, but instead he said “Well, yeah kind of.”

“You’re not funny. You’re not anything.” Lily bit, each word precisely dictated so that the venom was palpable, “You’re just a rich boy with no idea how the world works. You’re an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.”

James looked hurt for a moment, not meeting Lily’s eyes, then he gave a wicked smile. “I’ll leave him alone, if you go out with me.” This was James’ version of an insult, looming his power over Lily, like a twisted game of cat and mouse, “Go on, agree and I’ll never touch Snivellus again.”

Lily could feel her face turn red in pure fury, she drew closer so she could point her wand directly at his face. She knew he was good at hexes, but her aim was better. She could take him, in a fight with no magic she could have him squirming on the ground in seconds. “I’d rather fuck the giant squid than go on a date with you.”
James twitched for a second, Lily couldn’t tell whether it was anger or slight remorse but she didn’t particularly care. A crowd had begun to gather. Yelling, screaming, cheering, they were waiting for another spell to be cast, another curse to be thrown.

James went to speak, words hardly beginning to form on his lips, but he was interrupted. There was an unmistakable bang, and a flash of light as a slash drew across Potter’s face. In an instant there was another flash, before Severus was dangling in the air.

“Let him down.” Lily’s voice bellowed.

James smiled at Lily, “Certainly, anything for you.” He winked, dropping Severus to the ground. Laughter erupted from the eager crowd. Sirius had his wand drawn, the second that Severus landed, Black had petrified him.

Lily pointed her wand at Peter, she wasn’t sure that she could take both James and Sirius, but Lily Evans knew how to fight dirty, and she’d threaten their weakest link if she had to. She yelled, “Leave him alone!” Her voice was dark, full of nothing but hatred for the two boys she considered her friends. She began to lift Peter’s robes from the ground slowly, threatening silently.

James stared at her for a second, trying to call her bluff, Lily was not bluffing. “Ah, Evans, don’t make hex you.” He was sincere as he said it, the reluctance clear in his voice.

“Take the curse off him then.” Lily dropped her voice to a whisper, that was more kin to a growl, “You leave him be, I spare your rat.”

James’ voice came out breathy as he muttered the counterhex. “There you go.” He said to Lily, there was something in his face that he tried to cover with cool indifference, his usual smug demeanor. It wasn’t quite anger, it was more similar to frustration. Lily didn’t have time to dwell on it. She released the spell on Peter’s robes. James smiled coyly, he turned to Severus, intending to gloat, “You’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-”

“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”

The entire crowd went silent. All eyes fell on Lily Evans. Lily let the words ring in her ears, she struggled to process them. Her eyes flashed to James, who was waiting for her to make a move, ready to curse Snape again at any second.

Lily blinked unsure whether her body was trying to make her cry. She looked at Severus, and for the first time in her life, she felt nothing. She felt no sympathy for him, no kinship, no love, she didn’t even hate him. She felt bitter, but even that was pinned against an overwhelming amount of indifference, as if the final string tying herself to him had finally snapped.

“Fine.” It came out cold, callous. “I won’t bother in the future.” Her gaze fell to his pants, caked in mud, and dry soap, falling in unfortunate wet patched on his crotch. “I’d wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus.” She said the cruel nickname, hoping it would feel even a little bit as harsh as the cruel word he had spoken.

“Apologize to Evans. Right now!” James shouted, his wand poised at Snape once again.

Lily was done. She was done with the bullshit savior of James Potter. “I don’t want you to make him apologize.” Lily snapped towards him, “You’re at least as bad as he is-” Lily could have kept going, if James would let anyone speak for five seconds without needing to hear his own unrelenting voice.

“What?” James squeaked, pausing for just a moment, “I’d never call you that! I’d never call you a- you-know-what!’ He was frantic to get it out, trying to redeem himself, as if it would change any of his actions that day.

“Fuck you Potter.” Lily spat, “You don’t know shit about me, and my life. You don’t get to come to my aid, you don’t get to be a savior just cause you want to. You think you’re a hero but you’re just another delusional asshole who hexes other houses cause you think it’s a laugh. All you do is show off, walking around like you own the school cause you’re mediocre at quidditch. I’m surprised your broom can still take off with your fat head on it. You’re nothing but an immature, snobbish, petulant child. You make me sick.”

Lily left, the crowd that had formed, parting to let her through. She could hear James yelling behind her, trying to get her to come back, to talk to him. Lily didn’t, she went straight for her dormitory.

Lily found anything and everything that reminded her of Snape, every letter she had saved from him. Every single sheet of notes they’d ever lent each other. Everything. She burned it.

Lily grabbed the dandelions she kept in the glass vase, smashing the vase on the floor. She crushed the dandelions beneath her feet. She wasn’t sure who she hated more, Potter or Snape.

Then she remembered, she remembered each and every single time that Severus had sworn to her that it didn’t matter that she was a muggle-born. Everytime Severus had lied to her. The way that Mary had sworn Severus was there when she was cursed, and the way Lily had refused to believe her. For the past six years, Lily had done nothing but give Severus the benefit of the doubt, and now she was seeing him for who he really was. Lily’s blood ran cold, and she cried.

Marlene came in the dorm, she was hesitant to say anything as she sat beside Lily. It was clear Marlene wanted nothing more than to say ‘I’ve told you so’ but she showed remarkable restraint. “Black told me what happened.”

“You’ve come to rub it all in?”

Marlene shook her head, “Checking in on you, squirt. He was your best friend, I know it’s hard.”

Lily tried to clear her tears, she wasn’t sad, just upset, frustrated. “Fucking OWLs.”

“Is that the takeaway?”

Lily nodded, “Fuck OWLs, fuck Slytherin, fuck Potter, fuck Snape, fuck me for ever trusting Snape.” Lily groaned, she could go on and on, she’d never cursed so much in her life.

“Potter wanted me to give you this.” Marlene mumbled, handing over a note. Lily didn’t look at it, just crumpled it up and threw it in the trash can. “That’s probably warranted.”

“I’m an idiot.” Lily sighed, “I guess that’s why he was friends with me, wasn’t it?” Lily breathed for a second, “No half-blood would be as naive. No one would be as amazed by magic as I was. It’s all so stupid.” Lily gulped down her feelings. “I just need a minute alone, Mars.” Lily said and Marlene left for a while, Lily stared at the ceiling, blasting The Supremes and refusing to think.

Chapter Text

The moment that the word had left Severus Snape’s lips, was the moment Lily could no longer excuse his actions. Someone Lily adored, trusted, loved had turned into the epitome of everything she hated in an instant. She wasn’t Lily Evans anymore, or at least not the same one she had been. People used to call Lily Evans endlessly kind, but Lily’s heart had never felt so cold as when he said it. He thought she was less than him. He thought she should be ashamed where she came from, as if she
didn’t come from him, as if he hadn’t defined her entire life, changing it with every word he would speak.

Lily felt stupid more than anything. She had trusted him, she had loved him. She had given him everything, and she felt used. Yet, she still felt in debt to him, after all of this, Lily still felt like he had given her everything, all her magic, Hogwarts, everything was so tied to Severus. Her family, her home, it was too close to him, she’d burn it all down if she could.

Lily didn’t leave her dorm, she risk seeing James and that smug look on his face, or worse, Severus. Lily rather hoped she would never see Severus again. She thought it might be the easiest way to proceed, if they just pretended the other didn’t exist. Lily couldn’t find it in her to hex him, jinx him, torture him as the boys did. She wanted to forget he existed.

“Lily?” Mary asked, breaking Lily from her mind racing as she stared at the wall. Lily hummed in response, “Um, Snape is outside the common room. He wants to talk to you. Said you got in a fight.”

“It’s not just a fight this time Mary.” Lily mumbled. “I’m not going. I don’t want to see him.”

Mary sighed, “He said it’s really important, threatened to sleep there and wait for you to leave in the morning.”

“He didn’t.” Lily said, in hopes it would become true.

“He did.”

“Fuck me.” Lily groaned, pulling her robe on over her pajamas.

Lily felt heavier with every single step towards the stupid portrait hole. Lily debated letting him sleep there, letting him sit on the cold marble all night. She didn’t want him to sleep peacefully, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do it to Severus, not even when she hated him.

“I’m sorry.” It was the first thing out of his mouth. Of course it was, they had done this a thousand times. He wasn’t lying this time, or joking, she could tell he meant it, but she knew better than to think it would change a single thing that had happened.

Lily swallowed, she didn’t meet his eyes, worried she might cry, or scream, and she didn’t know which would make her feel more vulnerable. “I’m not interested.”

“I’m sorry!”

Lily scoffed, “Save your breath, I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.” Lily shook her head, everytime he spoke she only heard that word. The word he swore wouldn’t matter, the word that he had never protected her from. The same word that had been the very route of her inferiority from the second she discovered magic. The word that separated her from nearly every other student at Hogwarts.

“I was. I would have done it. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just- ”

“Slipped out?“ Lily met his eyes, her voice rising. Lily was glad she didn’t have her wand on her, because for a second she could have sworn she understood why the unforgivable curses existed. Lily tried to steady herself, drawing a deep breath, refusing to pity the boy she had once felt nothing but empathy for. “It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. Every one of them, they’ve been warning me for years and I didn’t listen to them. I thought I was smart, but thanks for reminding me I’m a stupid, naive child. I should have known better. I should have known the first time, or hell, the thirtieth. But hey, shame on me. You’ll probably kill me one day that’s what you want right? You and your Death Eater friends?”

Severus opened his mouth for a moment, and Lily had the courtesy to wait, hoping he would say something that would somehow take it all away. Severus closed his mouth without speaking.

“You can’t even deny it. I should have known, it’s not your fault I was stupid enough to fall for it. You’ll go off and join Voldemort, and I’ll be your first victim. I can’t pretend anymore. You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”

Severus stammered for a moment, taking in all that Lily had said, and she waited in the dead air as it hung for a moment. “No – listen, I didn’t mean – ”

“You didn’t mean to call me Mudblood? Well you did. But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?” Lily looked on as Severus couldn’t manage for form even a coherent syllable. Lily went to leave as tears threatened to spill from her eyes. A hand reached out to grab hers, Lily turned back for just a moment. Lily was crying now, and she could only imagine how little Severus thought of her in that moment.

“I’m sorry.” He said once more.

Lily just shook her head, “That’s not enough this time.”

Lily climbed through the portrait hole, she just wanted to sleep. She had another exam in the morning. James Potter was there waiting. “Lily I’m-”

“Fuck off.”

“I’m sorry.” James swore, and Lily did not feel like doing this again. She stood before him with a raised eyebrow. “I’ve been a prat, and you’re right. I’ll do better.”

“Saying that-”

“Doesn’t mean anything.” He finished, “I know. I’m going to show you. I fucked up today.”

Lily nodded, “You did.”

“I mean it though,” James was almost crying, “I really do mean it, when I say I love you. I’m going to make myself someone who deserves you.” He coughed, his tears retracting, replacing his face with the usual smirk.

Lily sighed, “You’re allowed to cry. Hell, I’m a blubbering mess, don’t make me do this alone.”

“I won’t touch him again. I’ll never even look at Snape. I know it’s my fault, it’s my fault he said that to-”

“It’s not always about you, James! The world doesn't revolve around you.” Lily assured, “This, with me and Snape, is not about you. He made a choice, he has to live with it. You have plenty of things to feel guilty for, I’m not going to rid you of that, but Snape saying that isn’t one of them.”

James paused, staring at Lily, looking in her eyes. He made a promise then, “I’ll spend my whole life making this up to you.”

“Don’t. I just want to forget about it.” Lily was over everything. She wished she could hate James Potter, the way she did a few hours ago, but James hadn’t done anything new. James had done the same shit he’d always done. Everything she felt when it came to James Potter was in the extremes. “You can’t save me, okay? You can’t be my savior, I don’t want you to.”

“Lily, I’m-”

“Let me finish.” She continued, “You can’t fix me, I’m not a pureblood, I never will be. I’m not perfect, I’m a wreck with very poor people-reading skills. I still think you’re arrogant, and childish. But, I was harsh, and I misplaced my assumptions and my judgement. So if you’re willing, I say we start over.”

James held out his hand, a smile on his face, “I said I’d make myself someone who deserves you, I mean it.”

Lily shook his hand, as if they had just made a business arrangement, “We’ve got a deal then.” Lily sighed, semi-content, semi-as-infuriated-as-ever. “Goodnight James.”

“Goodnight, Dandelion.”

Lily made her way to her dormitory, when Lily opened the door Mary and Marlene instantly stopped talking.

The three girls all looked at each other, not quite sure of what to say. “I snogged a girl!” Mary squeaked out of sheer panic. But it was enough to break the tension in the room.

“What?” Marlene and Lily yelled in unison.

“Sorry, I panicked!” Mary whined, “But I did. I like her a lot.”

Lily was glad to have the distraction. Mary was gushing over the mystery girl, who was by all descriptions none other than Emmeline Vance, but Mary would not give away the name. They spent most of the night talking about it, a few times Lily attempted to study for the Transfiguration exam the next day. But they ended up all falling asleep on the floor, while gossiping and giggling.

Chapter Text

Lily wished she could phone her parents, or even her sister. She wanted to scream the news from the top of the highest mountain. Lily stared at the results of the OWLs and it was finally undeniable that Lily was the top of her class. She had six Outstandings in Potions, Arithmancy, Defense Against The Dark Arts, Charms, History, and Ancient Runes. Lily was also given Exceeds Expectations in Transfiguration and Astronomy, and an Acceptable in Herbology and Divination.

Lily knew that if her mother had seen she would have hung the results on the fridge. If her father had seen then he would wrap his arms around her, tell her how proud he was. If Lily told Severus he would smile and congratulate her sincerely, maybe a bitter or snide remark from his jealousy would make Lily laugh.

That might have been the worst part about trying to leave Severus behind. Lily could imagine anything she wanted about her parents, and she could never be proved wrong. Severus was alive. Lily had the ability to satisfy her curiosity. She had the ability to forgive him, and it took all her strength to remember that she shouldn’t, that she couldn’t.

So instead Lily stared at their current class rank, her name at the very top of the list. She didn’t bother looking for anyone else’s name, she hardly gave the list more than a glance. Afterall, Lily had won, she had finally done it. She should be proud, but she just felt tired, and she still felt lesser than her peers. She cursed her blood status, and the war, and- Lily was pulled out of her thoughts as Remus stared at Lily’s parchment of results. “Not fair, Red. I would’ve tied you if it weren’t for Runes.”

“Read it and weep!” Lily flaunted the paper with a smile. “Best in the year!”

“Well, tied for best.” Remus corrected.

Lily shook her head, “You just said I beat you, and I took more classes than Snape.”

“James.”

Lily paused, staring at Remus in disbelief. She pushed past the crowd to see the list clearer, and right beneath her own name was James Potter, with nearly identical results in different classes “Is this some prank?” Lily asked.

“If it is, I'm not in on it.” Remus shrugged.

Lily ran over to James Potter, who was at the Gryffindor table. “Potter! Let me see your results.”

James smiled, “Come to congratulate me?”

“Give me the bloody paper.” Lily snatched it out of his hands. Six Oustandings in Transfiguration, Muggle Studies, Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Astronomy, and Care of Magical Creatures. Two Exceeds Expectations in Herbology and Divination. Two Acceptable in History and Potions. Different classes, but their overall scores were tied. Lily’s heart sunk as she stared and realized the results were not changing. “Congrats.” She mumbled.

“Didn’t quite catch that.” James winked.

“Yes you did.” Lily snapped.

James smirked, teasingly, “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Lily grumbled a reluctant “You’re welcome.” Which made James burst with laughter.

“You at the McKinnons’ this Summer?” James asked, following Lily, not leaving her alone.

Lily sighed, “I wish. But I’m with my sister's boyfriend and his rotten family.”

James tsked, “Just stay at mine.” He offered.

“In your bed?” Lily asked, figuring she knew where the conversation was headed.

James smirked, his signature look, “You suggested it, not me.”

“Hell no.”

There was more the utterly obnoxious laugh, making everyone look their way, making Lily struggle not to join in his laughter, “Seriously though, we’ve got like four spare rooms, you can crash at my place if you need to.”

Lily searched James' face, trying to find the trick, any lack of sincerity, but there was none to be found. “Your parents wouldn’t mind?”

James shook his head, “Nope, Ma loves company, Pa won’t notice you’re there.”

Lily considered the offer, “Are you sure?”

James nodded, “Yeah, I’ll send a letter to my folks right now if you want.”

“Why?”

James blinked, “What do you mean?”

“Why would you help me?”

James sighed, “I don’t know how to make you understand, Dandelion, I’m not as bad as Snape tells everyone.” Lily looked at him, not quite believing it. He saw her confusion, “What?”

Lily stammered for a moment, she wasn’t sure how she felt, “You called him Snape.”

“I told you I’d try. I’m not messing with him again.”

Lily nodded, “Thank you James.”

James smiled dopily, “I like it when you say my name.”

Lily blushed, “Can we not?”

“Not what?”

“Do this.” She gestured between them, “I can’t do this right now.”

James paused, unsure what she meant, though Lily herself was not sure. “Lily, what are you saying?”

Lily understood what James meant for a moment. She way he said her name had never sounded so sweet. She had to clear the thought from her mind, remind herself that he was still an arrogant arse, even if he was being charming. “Can’t deal with your lovey-dovey bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit, I do love you.” James said, eternally reminding Lily, when Lily did not want a reminder. Lily rolled her eyes, “Hey, stop.”

“What?” Lily grumbled.

“Stop dismissing it. I’m not joking Lily. I love you.” James got up on the table, he began yelling “I love Lily Jean Evans!”

Lily was mortified, “Potter! Get down now, and shut up.” She gritted through her teeth. She was blushing and seething with anger.

James obliged the request. “Spend the summer with, you won’t regret it.”

“James-”

James held up a hand, “Don’t answer now. Think about it, talk to your sister.”

“You’re sure you folks wouldn’t mind? I can always ask the McKinnon’s.”

James put his hand on Lily’s shoulder, “More the merrier, they won’t mind. But if you feel more comfortable at the McKinnons’ then by all means.”

“Stop being so nice all of a sudden.”

James’ hand began to fiddle with Lily’s hair, Lilly leaned into the touch. “You like me better when I’m nice. You don’t yell at me as much.”

Lily laughed, “That’s why you should stop being nice. It’s easier to hate you.”

“Easier than what?” He urged. Lily could feel his breath on her lips.

Lily took a startled step back when she realized she had gotten too close. “Don’t make me say it. I’m sorry, I can’t say it.” Lily had never felt so vulnerable. “You know the answer.”

James smirked, finally knowing Lily’s darkest secret, “Have I finally done it? Have you fallen for me, Evans?”

Lily snapped back into herself, “No!” It was purely instinctual. “Possibly, in an entirely platonic nature.” Lily shook her head, she didn’t meet his eyes, “You’re still an arrogant tosser.”

“I fear I may be one until I die.” James laughed, he was full of joy, radiating positivity despit the world around him and Lily couldn’t help but fall into his trap of burning passion and thoughts of nothing but love. Lily knew that if she were to fall for James Potter, she would be nothing but a lovesick fool, and she didn’t know whether or not the ignorance she would face when surrounded by him would truly be bliss.

…

Lily had taken Remus and Sirius hostage in their dorm room, locking everyone else out. “I need to tell you something and neither of you can say a word about it.”

“Wait let me guess! Let me guess!” Sirius laughed, “You killed Snivellus.”

“No, I-”

Sirius was on a rampage, he did not wait for her to confirm his outlandish guesses. “You shagged Slughorn? You became an animagus? You killed Dorcas? You and Marlene got married? You cheated on your OWLs?”

“Oh shut up!” Remus nudged Sirius, and Sirius reluctantly obliged the request. “What is it, Red?”

“I um- oh Godric, I should not have come here.” Lily realized she wasn’t just staring at her two friends, she was staring at James’ best friends.

“Evans! You tease! You have to tell us now!” Sirius complained.

“I like James!” Lily spat it out, she had been dying to tell someone. She wasn’t sure why she had told Remus and Sirius, but she had a feeling that they already knew anyway, which gauaging their lack of reaction, they did.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other for a moment. Remus started laughing and Sirius was thoroughly underwhelmed.

“Did you not know?” Sirius asked.

“Huh?”

“Everyone knew, you’ve liked him for years.” Sirius informed.

If Lily were honest with herself, she hadn’t known. At least not for as long as Sirius made it sound. Lily had some suspicions, she had maybe even crushed on the boy. But Lily had never considered him like this, she’d never felt like this. She’d never needed him before, and that’s why Lily was scared. She needed James in the same way she needed Regulus, and that was new, and that was scary, and that’s how Lily knew it may be love, or at least a very strong like.

Regulus. The pale gray eyes taunted her when she thought of him.

She cursed herself for being so careless. She’d already fallen for someone hap-hazardly. She’d almost gotten them both killed because of her feelings. Lily felt stupid, she was being reckless. She was letting her emotions rule instead of her head. Lily knew she couldn’t have them both. She had to choose, and she wouldn’t let herself ruin James the way she’d already destroyed Regulus.

It all flashed before Lily in an instant. “I fucked up.” Lily mumbled, her head running wild. “I can’t speak to James. Not ever again.” Lily ran from the dorm, not waiting for a response from Remus or Sirius. Lily darted away to the safety of Marlene and Mary, but instead found her dorm to be entirely empty.

Lily laid on her back, staring at the ceiling. Faced with an impossible choice; a summer with the worst people she knew or a summer where she very well may ruin the one good thing she had left.

Chapter Text

Lily was a selfish brat, or at least that’s what she kept telling herself. Afterall, only a selfish brat would take advantage of the Potter’s generosity like she was. Lily stared at the letter from Petunia. It was more than angry, it was furious, and had Petunia known about Howlers Lily would be hearing a screeching voice rather than reading it.

I’ve done everything for you, and you couldn’t do this one thing for me.

That line echoed in Lily’s head. She couldn’t, Petunia was right, she couldn’t spend another summer hiding in a cupboard. She’d sooner die on the streets. But worse than that, she was willing to stay with the Potters. James had beamed when she told him, possibly the brightest smile she’d ever seen.

“You’re completely sure?” Lily asked for the millionth time on the train,

“My parents love you, or they will! Mrs. McKinnon raves about you.” James insisted.

“Marls’ mum hates me.” Dorcas added. “Think it’s cause I turned her girl queer.”

“Oh shove off.” Marlene rolled her eyes, “My mum only likes Lily, she’s fond of Remus too, and she’s only tolerating Mary.” Mary probably would have made a sarcastic comment in reply if she weren’t off in some compartment kissing someone who she swore wasn’t Emmeline Bance.

“What did I do?” James asked audaciously.

“Convinced my brother to play quidditch for a living.”

“I was nine!” James and Marlene continued to bicker.

Lily leaned on Remus, who was reading. “Jane Austen?”

“I took it from ya, hope you don’t mind.”

Lily shrugged, “Suppose not. Thought I gave them all away when my mum died.”

“To who?”

“Reg.” Lily answered without thinking and this caught Sirius’ attention, dragging him away from the card game he and Peter were playing.

“Regulus?” Sirius asked.

Lily shook her head frantically, “Reginald.” She lied, “He’s in slug club with me.” Sirius returned to his game causing Lily to let out a breath of pure relief.

Remus snicked, and Lily nudged his side until he stopped.

“You’re staying the Summer, Evans?” Dorcas asked, and Lily nodded.

“Yeah, but I’m with the Potters this year, you and Marlene will get the room to yourselves.” It was the only reason that Lily didn’t want to stay with the McKinnon’s, Dorcas was staying with them for the first week of the summer, and though she didn’t hate Dorcas, she was not interested in sharing with the couple and being witness to their exploits.

Lily tuned everyone out, thinking of her sister, mostly of her sister’s disappointment and inability to contact her at the Potters. Lily wasn’t sure whether this was better or worse, but Lily knew that she wouldn’t be reaching out to Petunia. Perhaps Petunia would be mad, and Lily really tried to feel guilty over it, but when faced with the alternatives, Lily’s guilt began to melt away. Lily knew that there was a very strong chance she may lose her sister over this, but Lily also knew, that despite her love for her sister, they weren’t what they once were. Lily and Petunia were more like strangers than sisters, Lily had no idea what Petunia was up to most of the time, and Petunia disapproved of almost all of Lily’s decisions. So maybe it was better this way, to cherish the idea of a sister, and to cherish the memories that they had, rather than ruin it with new ones.

…

Mrs. Euphemia Potter had the same beaming smile as her son, that was how Lily could instantly recognize her. “Jamie, you’ve grown since Christmas, we’re going to need to get you all new robes.” Was the first thing out of her mouth as she smiled at her pride and joy.

“Hi, Ma.” James gave his mother a kiss on the cheek, “This is Lily Evans, think you’ve met before.”

Mrs. Potter turned to Lily, Mrs. Potter was older than most of her friends parents but had that same motherly look in her eyes, the caring look they all gave Lily when they found out she had lost her own mother, “Lily, lovely to meet you properly. James has told me so much about you.”

“Ma, don’t embarrass me.” James mumbled.

“Thank you for letting me stay with your family, Mrs. Potter.” Lily said sincerely.

Mrs. Potter gave Lily a small hug, “You are most welcome. You’re so sweet. Sirius never thanked me once.” She casted a glance toward him.

“Effie, come on!” Sirius exclaimed, “Isn’t my presence thanks enough?”

Mrs. Potter swatted him on the back of his head, before pulling him into a hug. “Oh, I missed my boys.” She smiled, letting go of Sirius and looking at the three teenagers. “Alright, James hold my shoulder, Lily and Sirius grab a hand and I’d close your eyes.” Hardly a moment after Lily grabbed Mrs. Potter’s hand they four of them apparated. It took Lily a second to gather her senses. Lily nearly fell down, but James caught her elbow and helped her back up before she managed to meet with the ground.

They stood outside the large Potter house. The white building with light blue accents and a flawless garden outfront. The perfection of it was ruined as looking at the house two large sets of quidditch hoops could be seen in the backyard, towering above the house.

Lily had seen the house everytime that she stayed down the road at the McKinnons’. She’d been inside before, but she had never truly thought of the house as a home. It was too regal to feel cosy, and it was too formal for Lily to feel like she had any place inside of it.

Lily got a better look around the house when she went inside, James insisted on giving her a private tour. She’d only been in the dining room before. The rest of the house was somehow more extravagant, each and every vase was worth more than Lily’s childhood home. Every portrait talked to her as she passed, it was like living inside a museum.

“You alright, Dandelion?” James asked as Lily was wide eyed and making an awful face as she looked at the room the Potter’s had deemed ‘the secondary parlour’.

“James, you’re rich.”

James shrugged, “Guess so? Thought you knew.”

“You’re filthy rich!” Lily exclaimed, “Never seen anything like this before, it’s- it’s infuriating really. How many people live here?”

“Just my lot.”

“Bloody hell!” Lily shook her head, “I don’t belong here, I’m not fancy like you.”

James laughed at this. “Yeah, I’m the picture of elegance and grace.”

“I’m serious James!” James was still laughing and Lily smacked his arm trying to get him to stop, “You’re awful, I’m serious and you’re laughing.” James’ laughter was infectious though, and she began to laugh as well.

James put his hand on Lily’s shoulder as he was finally able to curb his laughing fit, “I don’t want you to be fancy! I want you to be you, it’s much more fun.”

“You don’t want me to be a proper young lady?”

James tried not to start laughing again, “There’s plenty of lovely proper Hufflepuffs, you know. If I wanted a proper, snobbish, pureblood then I’d snog Matilda Bulstrode.”

“Bulstrode? That’s the first one you think of?” Lily asked, teasing, “Think of her often?”

James shook his head, “Nope, too busy thinking of you.”

“You tosser!” Lily shoved him off of her.

…

Dinner with the Potters was another very strange affair for Lily. She wasn’t sure whether or not to address the house elf that scuttled about. Mr. Potter had greeted Lily kindly, but was a rather quiet man, at least compared to his wife who was extremely talkative.

Despite the lavish environment, it was an intimate and entirely casual affair. Sirius made fun of James pulling out Lily’s chair, and when James did a boils jinx at him both boys had their wands confiscated. Lily had not felt as comfortable in a long while. James was trying to impress Lily throughout dinner by stating things he had learned in Muggle Studies. Sirius chimed in, adding on to several different points. Lily couldn’t help but laugh as they argued over how radios worked and Lily feared their heads might explode if she mentioned the television.

The whole house was full of laughter and joy, there were no mentions of the war, or Severus, or anything difficult. Lily could have basked in the moment, frozen it and live there forever, she loathed that she could view it as her future. That she could see a happy future sitting beside James Potter and pretending not to notice their hands touching.

…

The first night at the Potter’s house was a sleepless one. Thought of Petunia were rampant. Lily had abandoned her sister afterall, she ought to feel awful about it. But Lily didn’t feel bad, or not as bad as she thought she would. It pained Lily, to know that she thought she might be able to live without her sister, and to know that, while they loved each other, their worlds were too different and distinctive to collide in the way they once had. Lily was an improper, messy, freak. Petunia was a perfect, pristine, muggle.

The Potters didn’t have a phone, but even if they did, Lily wasn’t sure whether she’d call her sister. She was nervous to hear the anger that would undoubtedly lace Petunia’s tone. Lily wasn’t sure her sister would forgive her, for not coming back, but there wasn’t anything to go back to anymore. Petunia had grown up and left Lily behind, and now it was Lily’s turn to do the same. Lily knew she was a bad sister, and Lily knew that she was being selfish, but there were some sacrifices that couldn’t be made, and this was one of them.

Lily tried to imagine what her parents would say, but she came up empty. She couldn’t imagine this scenario if her parents were still alive. She couldn’t stop the crying that came with the thought of them, and the hysteria that came with the realization that she was slowly forgetting them. Lily couldn’t recall her mother’s voice anymore, not in the vividly clear way she once could.

It was hard, to grieve, and worse when the grief came in unpredictable waves in the middle of the night, when no one could help. Lily must have been screaming, she must have been too loud, because James turned the light on and ran over to Lily.

James put and hand on Lily’s shoulder. Lily grabbed it and tugged him closer, absolutely collapsing into him in a moment of desperation. Lily needed someone, anyone and right now, she had James Potter. She fell asleep crying hysterically into his chest.

…

It was late in the morning, or at the very least late for the two morning people. It was nearly nine in the morning when Lily woke up. James had been awake, but he hadn’t dared move a muscle. When Lily opened her eyes, James was looking right at her. “How are you?” He asked, very carefully, like someone approaching a scared animal.

“I’m sorry.” Was all Lily could muster at the moment, she was embarrassed, she felt awful about herself. She had taken advantage of James Potter’s endless kindness. She had sworn to herself she wouldn’t ruin the boy, and yet here they were.

James shook his head, hair bouncing around somehow messier than usual, “Don’t be.”

“I am. I shouldn’t have-”

“No. Lily, you always do this, whenever I’m nice to you.” James insisted, “You always try and apologize, or convince me that I don’t love you. But Lily, I would do anything for you. You’re my-”

Lily wasn’t willing to hear it, “What? Your ‘Dandelion’? Am I your flower?” Lily mocked, expecting him to use the cheesy petname for her.

James didn’t though, “No, you’re more than just a plant, you’re not an object. I don’t understand why I can’t make you see, Evans! You’re strong, you’re smart, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You’re my soulmate, you’re my everything.”

Lily looked up at him, blinking, her heart racing, “James.” It came out breathless. The air lingered between them for a second and Lily drew closer slowly. It wasn’t an impulsive decision, she weighed her options, she felt a single breath land on her lips before they were crashing onto his. The kiss was desperate, full of everything she needed but had denied herself. She was completely at James’ mercy, he could break her heart if he wanted to, and she would let herself destroy him, the same way she destroyed everyone close to her.

James pulled away, running a hand through his hair, struggling to catch his breath. “Lily.” It was all he could manage in his panting, he kept saying her name, over and over.

Lily went to run, dart away as she had every time she had kissed him. James caught her hand. “It was just a kiss.” Lily muttered, "It doesn't mean anything."

“Can we do it again?” James asked, and Lily nodded eagerly. This time James was prepared, he was slow, and careful. The kiss was passionate, but not as messy, this was the kind of kiss Lily had dreamed of, this was the kiss from Jane Austen novels.

Chapter Text

Lily Evans and James Potter were not dating. At least that’s what Lily kept telling herself despite the fact that James Potter had ended up visiting Lily under the cover of night. Lily’s inability to sleep had been entirely anticipated. So instead she stayed awake, reading in bed, Great Expectations, until the book was suddenly taken from her hands. She hadn’t even noticed James enter, “It’s two in the morning.”

“You’re up as well.” Lily retorted, she held out her hand for James to give her the stolen novel, “Give it back.”

James put the book on the bedstand instead of in Lily’s hand, and he sat down on the bed beside her, even though he was not invited. “Can’t sleep then?”

“Never can.” Lily was a chronic insomniac, but somehow the overly comfortable plush bedding and the scarily calm atmosphere made her more ill at ease. It was as if all the danger was hiding, just out of sight.

James shrugged, “You’re not going to be in any condition for quidditch tomorrow if you don’t sleep.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Is that why you wanted me to stay with you? So you have enough people for a quidditch team?” It was a joke, but there was an element of something more. Lily still didn’t believe that James only wanted Lily there out of the goodness of his heart. She wanted him to tell her why he had rescued her, but he didn’t.

James laughed, “You caught me, me and my wicked schemes.”

Lily mindlessly fiddled with the gray comforter she laid underneath, “Why are you awake?”

He ran a hand through his hair, having it messily tussled about. “I kept thinking of you.” James admitted, “Then I saw your light was on, so I came in.”

Lily sighed, “James, what are we?” The question had been weighing on Lily as of late, her feelings were complicating the matter. The previous morning only making the question more urgent.

“Well, I think it’s your decision.”

Lily hummed, leaning her head on his shoulder, “I don’t think you're my arch nemesis anymore.”

James laughed, “I don’t think I ever was.”

“Don’t push it.” Lily warned, then she sighed and her gaze fell to her hands. “I don’t want to be dating. James, I have feelings for someone else.”

“Who?” James was nervous, but he already knew the answer.

“Regulus.”

James shook his head, laughing with no humor. “Regulus Black?” Lily nodded. “You love him?”

“I have feelings for him, not unlike my feelings for you.”

James nodded, “So you choose him?”

“I don’t want to choose anyone.” Lily’s voice was strained, “Don’t make me choose.”

“Would you choose him?”

Lily still couldn’t meet James’ eyes, “What does it matter? He wouldn’t choose me.”

“I chose you.” James stated it like it was obvious but Lily was confused. James just nodded, and Lily suddenly realised the severity of James’ relationship with Regulus, she had thought there were signs, even in her limited witness of their interactions. “Lily, I chose you.”

Lily sighed, she drew closer to James, her hand on his chest now, drawn there like a magnet. “You and Reg?” Lily questioned and James nodded, his eyes closed unable to meet her own. “Why?”

“I love him and I love you. But you’re possible, and Regulus is a dream.”

Lily’s breath hitched. Would Regulus choose her? She didn’t know, and she wasn’t sure that she wanted to. She couldn’t understand any of it. “I want you, James. I do. I-”

“If you want me, then I’m here. Take me Lily.” James’ lip drew dangerously close to her ear, she could feel the hot breath against her neck. “You don’t have to want me, I’m already yours.”

“And Regulus?”

“Don’t you want both?” James dared. He knew Lily did, Lily knew James did. But no one knew anything of Regulus. Regulus was gone, he was at the Black house. He was the heir of the Black nobility. There was no telling whether Regulus would even be the same person at the start of the upcoming school year. Three months was a long time, and everytime Lily saw Regulus, he had gotten worse. “Lily?”

Lily wanted Regulus, she wanted him dearly and desperately, but Regulus wasn’t there. Regulus was nothing more than a forbidden fruit, the thing everyone wanted, but there would be dire consequences for possessing. If Regulus was the sweet temptation that laid just out of reach, then perhaps Lily knew why Eve had been the first to sin.

Lily wanted Regulus, this was not a question. Lily wanted Regulus but she needed James. She needed James more than she needed air to breathe. “James” Lily’s voice was pleading, and she didn’t need to ask, before he was kissing her passionately.

Lily and James did not question their relationship too desperately, labels seemed to complicate things, and neither was willing to put the delicate romance on the line. Of course, they were insistent that whatever was happening was not dating. Dating would be too simple, and of course, dating would forbid Lily from seeing Regulus, and she couldn’t do that, no matter how much she liked James.

…

Lily and James would continue to repeat the same song and dance all summer. Staying up late in the night talking, sometimes about their feelings, or Regulus, or the war, and sometimes about nothing at all. They’d wake up, having slept in the same bed, they might kiss if James said something romantic. They would avoid each other all day, unwilling to admit their exploits to their friends. After all, there was nothing to flaunt, they were simply friends that sometimes kissed.

There was some excitement in the secrecy of it all. The knowledge that whatever was happening, was just theirs. The tension that built up when they crossed paths, the idea that none of it was for show. There was something comforting to the idea that this was hers. This was something reserved just for Lily Evans, and James Potter must have realised that, cause he kept it as theirs.

…

“Remus?” Lily sighed as they watched their other friends soar above them, passing a quaffle back and forth. “Has Sirius said anything to you lately? About Regulus?”

Remus shook his head, “We don’t talk about stuff like that.”

“What do you talk about?”

“Easy things. Quidditch, or um, books?” Remus shrugged.

Lily raised a suspicious eyebrow, “You and Sirius talk about books?”

“I talk about books, and Padfoot pretends to listen.”

Lily nodded, her eyes were trained on James Potter. “Remus, how did you and Sirius get together?”

“We’re not together.” Remus insisted, he had always insisted it. Lily never believed him.

Lily sighed, leaning her head against Remus’ shoulder, “You don’t have to lie to me, I already know that you have sex.”

“That doesn’t mean we’re together.”

“Fine, I’ll ask Sirius later.” Lily shrugged, “Or James, sure James knows, and he’ll tell me anything I ask.”

Remus rolled his eyes and laughed, “You’re devious enough to be a Slytherin.”

“I’m not! You boys just make it so easy to get what I want. I need more obstacles.” Lily was laughing now, smiling as James scored a goal through the hoop. It made her smile wider and she tried to hide it.

“So, you and James?” Remus asked.

Lily shrugged, “James Potter is an arrogant toerag.” She was smiling as she said it, Lily couldn’t help herself, she was certain at times that he had casted some spell on her, and if he were any good at potions, she’d worry that she had been given Amortentia. Of course she’d never really know, because her Amortentia had always smelled like him anyway.

…

Lily had all but forgotten about the war. Her teenage horomones had taken full control of her brain, not allowing her to focus on anything but the two boys she admired. She felt semi-guity, when she dreamed of Regulus’ gray eyes, and then awoke in James’ arms. She had cried about it one day, but James didn’t let her cry for long, assuring her there was no need to feel guilty. Lily did though, she knew, she shouldn’t be thinking of Regulus, she should love James, she did love James. She wasn’t able to comprehend loving them both at once, and she wasn’t able to comprehend letting either go.

It was a cool July night, and James had once again found himself in Lily’s room. “Dandelion?” James started before he paused, “You can’t yell at me.”

“Are you going to give me a reason to yell at you?” Lily asked, and James handed over a copy of the Daily Prophet.

‘House of Black announces public support to Lord Voldemort’ the headline was striking, continuing to read the article, Lily couldn’t take her eyes off of it. Lord Voldemort was running for Minister of Magic, it was helping him skirt a fine line of legality, disguising the war as an extremist political campaign. Disguising funding for weapons, and separating the evil man from the murders he was technically not present for. Trying to expose the illegality of it all had proven difficult if not impossible for the ministry, and the fact of the matter was that Lord Voldemort could not be proved guilty in a court of law. The murders could not be linked directly to him. Meaning that the murders would continue, the wars would continue and if the ministry wouldn’t pick a side, then any opposition of equal violence would also be found to be breaking the law.

Lily couldn’t fight against her own death, not without risking a life worth living. Regulus was in a house, was the heir to a house that supported a man who wanted to kill her. “James, we have to get Regulus.”

“We can’t.”

“James Fleamont Potter! I’m going, I’m going right now, we can’t leave him there!” Lily grabbed her wand, and was about to storm towards the door, James caught her by the arm, spinning her around to face him and keeping her in a tight grip. “Let me go!” She yelled.

“No. Lily, we can’t.” James insisted and Lily didn’t understand, she didn’t understand why she couldn’t just go and grab Regulus and take him away from the wretched place. The place that gave him scars, the place that told him awful things.

Lily thrashed in James’ grip, he had to take her wand from her after she continued to deliver stinging jinxes. “James! He needs me! I need to get him!”

“No, you’ll be killed if you step foot in that house.” James said firmly, Lily had never heard him like that, never heard him truly angry like this. “I’m not letting you get yourself killed.”

“I don’t care! Let me go. I’ll die, I will die if he gets to safety!”

“You can’t! You can’t die. It won’t help, you dying won’t get him to safety, it’ll just be another funeral. No.” James was steady, he was firm and worst of all, he was rational.

Lily didn’t fight anymore. She just started to cry. She cried so hard she was worried she couldn’t breathe. James didn’t cry, he hardly even blinked, his stronghold on Lily ensuring that she couldn’t go anywhere in case she tried to bolt for the door once more. That’s how Lily knew that James was a soldier, James was a soldier willing to fight for the war, fight for what’s right. But Lily, Lily was not a soldier, the only things Lily was willing to fight for were the people she loved.

Chapter Text

The Summer was abnormally hot, which forced James Potter to limit the quidditch playing against his will, though all except for Marlene were thankful for this. James and Marlene had a a tendency to squabble in a rather abrasive manor that often ended with hexes and lectures from both of their mothers about how they should have outgrown the petty arguments and pranks between the two. Sirius, always eager to stay in on the drama had confided in Lily that he and Dorcas had set up a medley of pranks on the James and Marlene to pit them against each other. Only after three head engorgement charms, a bucket of paint on Mrs. Potters white carpet, and four trips to the infirmary did Marlene and James realize they hadn’t been pranking each other. This got all of their wands confiscated for the rest of the month, even Lily, Peter, and Remus who were completely innocent in the matter.

Lily was content with the lack of magic, afterall, books didn’t require wands, and neither did studying or chess for that matter. However, James and Sirius were in the same house as Lily, and the boys had absolutely no plans of leaving Lily to read in peace.

“Hey, Evans! Chess?” Sirius had asked for the tenth time that afternoon.

Lily shook her head, eyes glued to the pages of Jane Eyre, “Ask James.”

“Prongs is awful at chess!” Sirius whined, he sounded as though he had never gone a second without magic or entertainment. When Lily thought of it further, she doubted he had lived a second without being constantly stimulated by his surroundings.

"Marlene then!” Lily proposed.

“McKinnon is in a panic because Meadowes leaves in the morning. Mooney is mad at me again, and Wormtail is visiting family in Italy!”

Lily rolled her eyes and reluctantly put down her book, “I’m just going to beat you again, I always beat you.”

“You will not, it’s not like your Wormy.” Sirius was insistent, “I’m just as smart as you, you always act like I’m stupid, I’m not stupid.”

“I never said you were stupid, Black.”

“But you think it.” Sirius insisted.

Lily shook her head, “I don’t think you’re stupid, I think you don’t apply yourself.”

“I apply myself to things, like pranks, and I came up with the animagus thing, bet James didn’t tell you that!”

Lily sighed, “Okay, I believe you. Do you think you’re stupid? Are you trying to prove something?” Lily asked, sick of being accused.

Sirius went pale, “I think Mooney thinks I’m stupid.” He mumbled.

“Remus doesn’t think you’re stupid.” Lily assured.

“Do you know what he thinks of me?” Sirius asked, finally getting to the point of his outburst. “You’re closest to him, he tells you everything.”

“Remus doesn’t talk about you and him. He says you don’t want people to know.”

“There’s nothing to know.” Sirius insisted. “We’re friends is all.”

Lily rolled her eyes at him. “Don’t lie to me.”

“Then don’t lie to me.” Sirius pressed, “What are you doing with my brother?”

“Regulus isn’t here.”

“James. What are you doing with James?” Sirius had a pleading tone in his voice, filled with desperation, and annoyance.

“I don’t know.”

“What?”

Lily groaned, “I don’t know what James and I are. He’s in love with me, and I’m struggling to be good enough for him, is that what you want to hear?”

Sirius stared at Lily for a moment, “You’re gonna destroy him, if you leave. Once you do this you can’t go back.”

Lily shook her head. She had expected to play chess on the board, not with the daggers of words and nerves flying between them. “I’m not discussing this. Not now, and not with you.”

“So Regulus then? You’re snogging both my brothers?”

“You can’t have both.” Lily nearly growled at him, pure venom. “You are either a Black or a Potter. You either care for Regulus or you don’t. You are either dating Remus or you’re not. If you need me to make up my mind so bad then you best make up your own.”

If they had wands they’d have been drawn, hexes would have been flying. But somehow this was worse. “You don’t know a thing Evans!”

“Don’t I?”

“No. You’re a bloody mu-” Sirius stammered for a moment before catching himself. “You’re a muggle born. You don’t get it.”

“Cause I’m a Mudblood. Cause your family thinks I should die, and deep down you think you’re better than me because I’m a Mudblood and you’re not. It’s why you can’t stand the fact that my grades are better, or that I beat you at chess, or that I’m bloody smarter than you.”

Sirius froze, “Low blow.”

“Because it’s true?”

Sirius blinked. He bit his lip for a second and Lily felt the sweat on her forehead. She was fuming angry. Sirius left the room, slamming the door shut. Lily didn’t know what to expect. There was a war. There was a war and it felt like no one was on Lily’s side.

…

“That was mean, Lily, you shouldn’t have said that.” James chastised, but the words lost their edge when she had herself buried against his chest.

“He was mean first.” Lily groaned, “Since when are you the responsible one?”

“Since I realized it would win you over.” James laughed and Lily smacked his chest lightly. “He’ll get over it, just apologize in the morning.”

“Fine.” Lily heaved, clearly not wanting to apologize. But she didn’t want to do anything to risk the fragile relationship between her and James, she liked it too much to change a thing about it. “Remus is still mad that Sirius is dating girls.”

“I’ve been in the dorm during their fights. Trust me, I know.”

“I thought they were sneaky?”

“They think they’re sneaky.” James corrected, “Loud idiots, forget a muffliato wears off.” James laughed, “I don’t want to talk about them. Let’s talk about something else.”

“I’m not talking about quidditch again.”

James kissed her cheek, “Or we don’t have to talk at all, we could just kiss.”

“Ugh,” Lily huffed, “I’d rather talk about quidditch.”

…

Lily knew by now that James loved her, and if she were a more confident person, she may argue that she loved him too. Though, Lily was not a more confident person and so she would never say that. Despite their feelings, Lily had never once believed that James would choose Lily over Sirius. So when Lily and Sirius continued the heated screaming match the next day, instead of issuing their apologies as they had both planned, James rushed in the room, trying to play both sides.

Lily wasn’t quite sure how the fight had managed to escalate so extremely. If they had wands they’d have thrown jinxed and called it even, but the words were harsh and continuous.

Lily would later admit that she had taken it too far when she accused him of being as bad as his parents, but the cruel reply of “at least my parents didn’t die to get away from me” caused Lily to cry.

James sprang into action at the sight of Lily’s tears. For a moment Sirius was pinned against a wall and there was a hushed conversation where they were no doubt threatening each other. Sirius was then dropped to the floor and James made his way to Lily dragging her out of the room.

“James, I know-”

“Lily, don’t. Let him calm down. Then you can both apologize.” James said it simply,and Lily thought he’d stay, but he didn’t. He left, and Lily had officially risked whatever her and James had built over the past few weeks.

…

Lily spent the next week at the Lupin residence. They were hiding away from the world. Remus was not particularly in the mood for Lily’s visitation, but wouldn’t dare say so, not when she was sulking as she was. “James isn’t mad at you.” Remus tried to assure.

“Sirius is, and Sirius should be. I was awful.” Lily admitted, it had been a week and she was struggling to remember what exactly the fight had been about. But Lily had said some things, she had said many things that she regretted, and she didn’t know how to apologize for it. “Isn’t it too late now to apologize? I was a coward, I ran from it.”

“Red, you’ve got to just get over it. Sirius and I scream at each other all the time.”

“That’s different. I don’t scream at people. Well- I do. But not things I don’t mean, I’m never so irrational.” Lily had felt wound like a tight spool of thread that was slowly being tuggeed out until there would be nothing left. She wanted to blame everything on the war, as she had done for the whole year, pretend that it wasn’t her fault. But Lily eventually had to face that she was being cruel, she was avoiding everything and she had to take accountability. She had to be the bigger person for once. “Wolfie, what am I going to do?”

“Don’t call me wolfie.”

“Fine, Remus, what am I going to do?”

Remus just shrugged, “Get out of my house, and go back to the Potters?”

“You love having me!”

Remus rolled his eyes at her, “You’ve been here a whole week. I never invited you.”

“But you love having me here.” Lily insisted, Remus laughed and shook his head, “Say it! Say you love having me here, because I’m your best friend and a pleasure!”

With the least convincing voice Lily had ever heard, Remus repeated, “Oh great and lovely Lily Evans, thank you for gracing me with your presence even though you were not invited to stay the whole week.”

…

Lily’s return to the Potters’ was strange in that it seemed nothing at all had happened. Lily tried to offer and an apology, but Sirius just shrugged it off before offering his own of similar informality. It seemed that Sirius was used to the outrageous screaming matches and he was relatively unaffected by it.

Lily snuck into James’ room that night, instantly finding her place ontop of his chest. “Are you mad at me, James?”

James sighed, “No, I’m not.”

“I fucked up. I’m fucked up.” Lily admitted, “I wouldn’t love me, if I were you.”

James ran a hand through Lily’s hair, “Because you messed up? I mess up all the time.”

“You don’t get it James. You’re perfect, and I’m mean, and messy, and short-tempered, and you’d hate my sister, and-” Lily didn’t realize she had started crying until James was wiping her tears. “I’m selfish James. If I wasn’t a selfish brat, I would have stayed with the McKinnon’s this summer. But I am selfish, and so I stayed with you, so I could be with you. I’m going to destroy you James, you’re going to realize who I really am and then you won’t love me anymore.”

James shut Lily up by kissing her gently, “Evans, I fell in love with the girl who rejected me in front of everyone, hexed me a thousand times, and was best friends with the kid I hated most. You’re so many wonderful things, you’re kind, and forgiving, and fiery. You’re passionate, and generous, and the smartest person I’ve ever met. I’m going to make you see it one day. I’m going to make you understand that no matter how much you fuck up, I’m not going to leave you. You’re stuck with me, Dandelion.”

“Shut up.” Lily shook her head with a light smile on her face. “You’re a bloody smooth-talker.”

“So it’s working?”

Lily sighed, her eyes lingering on his. She bit her lip, apprehensively accepting her fate once and for all. She couldn’t deny it anymore, and she needed to tell him, the perfect, arrogant, utterly obnoxious pureblood had to know, “I love you.”

Chapter Text

Mary had arrived for the last week of Summer as she always had. Lily had decided to spend the last week at the McKinnons’ who were more than happy to have her. They were not allowed to be unattended in Diagon Alley as they had been previously, this was mostly due to the recent attacks on muggle-borns, but also due to Mrs. McKinnon’s increasing fear of teen pregnancy happening on her watch.

Lily had been utterly appalled and humiliated when Mrs. McKinnon took it upon herself to teach Lily ‘things her mother would have wanted her to know’ such as contraceptives. Lily wasn’t sure she had blushed so read in her life, and Marlene laughed about the event for days, unwilling to let Lily forget it.

Lily and Mary had been sitting quietly, Mary was braiding Lily’s hair as Marlene was giving herself another impromptu haircut. “Your mother’s gonna yell at you, Mars.”

“I hope she does!” Marlene declared. “She hates Dorcas, and so I’m trying to show her I’m mad at her.”

“By cutting your hair?”

“Yes.” Marlene nodded, “Gonna bleach it too, but Sirius said he wanted to help with that.” Marlene exited the bathroom to expose the utter hack-job of a mullet. “What do you think? Will it disappoint my mum?”

Lily laughed, but Mary just shook her head in disapproval. “Godric! I can’t be seen with you.” Mary whined, “You look atrocious.”

Marlene smiled proudly, “It’s what I was going for.” She then turned to Lily, “Will you help me pierce my nose? Heard you helped Sirius with his ear.”

Lily was practically giddy at the idea, “Yes!” She smiled, “you have something sharp?”

Mary’s protests to try to stop the horrible idea were utterly ignored and it wasn’t long before Marlene’s nose was bleeding and likely broken. Mary and Lily spent the rest of that night hiding in Marlene’s room with her, casting spells to try and heal Marlene’s now slightly disfigured face.

“Evans! You’re supposed to be good at this!” Mary laughed, not being particularly helpful. “I told you two not to do it!”

‘Well we didn’t listen!” Lily hissed. “You should be prefect, if you’re so bloody perfect.”

Mary snorted, “Yeah, cause I love busting parties and stopping pranks.”

“Well you tried to stop this!”

“Cause you were being idiots, and it appears I was the only one to possess a shred of intelligence tonight!” Mary and Lily continued to bicker as Marlene groaned in pain.

Eventually they were able to stop the bleeding, and even mostly set the bone, but Marlene’s nose now possessed a small scar and a permanent crooked shape from the incident. Despite the disasterous attempt, Mary would successfully pierce Marlene’s other nostril the following day after some light pleading.

…

Lily and Mary had of course known about the war, perhaps not as much as their pureblooded peers, but they knew that with war always came casualties. This was more prevelant then ever when Mr. McKinnon didn’t come home one night. There had been a letter from St. Mungos and suddenly Mrs. McKinnon was rushing to be there beside him.

Marlene tried to appear unaffected but was extremely upset that she was not taken with her mother to go see him.

“When I’m older, I’m going to be a healer, so I’m always in the room.” Marlene declared. “Then they won’t be able to keep things like this from me, and I can save people.”

Mary raised an eyebrow, “What about quidditch?”

“Fuck quidditch.” Marlene mumbled to Lily and Mary’s surprise. “I’m going to be a healer, and then no one will die, not on my watch.”

Lily sighed, “He’s probably fine, they would have sent for you by now if it was serious.”

Marlene shrugged, “Whatever. Distract me. What are you gonna do, when we graduate.”

“Mum wants me to be a secretary, go to the London secretary school.”

“Petunia goes there.”

Mary nodded, “Yeah, but I think it’s boring. I don’t know what I want to do. Emmeline is in her last year, she wants to work for the ministry, help the war efforts. I think I might want to as well.” Lily bit her lip, she didn’t want to break the news to Mary, that although she could help the war efforts, there was no chance of a muggle-born entering the ministry, not unless there were some major changes. “What about you Lily?”

Lily hummed in thought, she hadn’t paid any mind to what she would do after Hogwarts, at least not seriously. “I want to be a professor, I think I’d be a good Potions professor. Think I need some experience first though, probably get an apprenticeship somewhere.”

The girls prattled on about the future. Lily and Mary decided that they would live together, in a nice house possibly in Muggle London. Marlene was outraged by the thought of Mary and Lily being so far, until they reminded her they’d be able to apparate to each other whenever they wanted. It was late in the night, when Mr. and Mrs. McKinnon came in through the floo.

Mr. McKinnon was not in danger of dying, he looked almosy completely normal, except for the fact that he was missing his left leg. Lily tried to hide her shocked gasp, covering it up with a poorly done fake-cough.

“I’m fine girls, you don’t have to worry.” Mr. McKinnon tried to assure, though the words were directed more towards Lily and Mary than his own daughter, and it clicked for Lily suddenly.

“It’s cause you’re muggle-born? That’s why they attacked you.” Lily asked for clarification.

Mr. McKinnon didn’t answer for a second and the room was silent. Mary stood up and left, not wanting to hear any more if it. She looked like she might cry, but then again, they all held similar grim looks on the usual happy faces.

“Yes, Lily. We believe that’s why.” He confirmed.

Lily tried to remain stoic and not sob, she barely succeeded. Marlene started her barrage of questions that she had no doubt been holding back. Her father didn’t provide many answers, perhaps because he didn’t know, or possibly because the details of the attack were too grim for the girls.

The girls all laid awake that night, in their separate beds, not talking, not comforting each other. Just in silent contemplation. It was one thing to read the faceless names in the paper headlines, but it was another to see it, in real life, and to see what was at risk. All of them wondered if they were next, or if next time it wouldn’t be just a limb that was lost.

…

It was not a good idea, for the seven teenagers to sit in the woods behind the Lupin residence. It was an even worse idea for them to do so with large quantities of alcohol and being heavily intoxicated, with the exception of James Potter.

Not even two drinks in Remus shrugged Lily off of him so that he could snog Sirius. Lily went to bother Mary instead, only to find that Mary and Peter were passionately arguing over some Herbology score from second year, which caused Lily to immediately withdraw into Marlene and James, who were talking quidditch strategy for the upcoming year.

Lily had forgotten how much of a lightweight she was as she was stumbling slightly. A mess on her feet.

“I’ll keep my eyes off of Dorcas’ ass if you keep your eyes off of Regulus’” Marlene stated in a slightly slurred voice. “How you like that Potter?”

“Fuck off McKinnon.” James rolled his eyes, then he turned to Lily, “You alright Dandelion?”

“Jamie.” Lily practically threw herself on top of him. She started kissing him, right there in front of everyone. “I think I love you, I think I’m drunk.” Lily slurred.

“Evans, I think you ought to head to bed.” James said calmly, pulling her off of him.

“Dance with me Jamie!”

“There’s no music, come on, you’ll be upset in the morning.” James grabbed her hand gently and Lily used it to twirl herself all around with fits of laughter. James couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “Come on, you’re drunk.”

“You’re not!” Lily laughed, pointing an unsteady hand at him and nearly tripping, “So you can dance with me.”

James gave in, partially because he loved her, and partially to keep her from falling over. Soon he was helping Lily twirl around in the darkness to nothing but the sounds of the wind rustling in the tree.

Lily, Mary, Sirius, and Marlene ended up nearly collapsing on the ground by the end of the night. James put up protection spells and covered them all with blankets that he had transfigured from leaves.

…

The next morning everyone knew about James and Lily. Lily was absolutely distraught as this made James Potter about a hundred times clingier than he had been, “Dandelion, come on! Don’t you want to play quidditch?”

“I’m busy James.” Lily did not look up from her potions textbook.

James went to grab the book from her and she smacked his hand away. “I know you like flying, deep down.”

“You like saving me from falling.”

James smiled, his face peering over the other side of Lily’s book desperate to get her attention, “At least come sit outside.”

“I’ll get sunburnt. Plus, Mary wanted my help with her nails.”

James sighed, “Alright, I’ll go with you.”

“James, go play quidditch. I’m not going anywhere.”

James sat beside Lily on the bed, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and burying his head in her red hair. “I want to spend time with you.”

“What has gotten into you?” Lily laughed, “You’re so clingy today!”

“But everyone knows now, we don’t have to hide anymore, we can tell everyone we’re dating-”

Lily scoffed, “We’re not dating!”

James rolled his eyes, “Well, we’re more than friends.”

“We are.”

“And we’re kissing.”

“We are.”

James paused, “I think we have to say we’re dating now.”

Lily shook her head, “No. I don’t want that label. It’ll just be a problem.”

“Evans!” James whined, his chin now resting on her shoulder. “You’ll go to Hogsmeade with me though?”

Lily giggled, “You’re hysterical.”

“You will though?”

Lily nodded, “I have to get the third years all settled, but yes.”

James beamed with pride. “You finally said yes.”

“Shove off.”

“I knew you would, everyone doubted me, but I knew I could make you fall for me.”

Lily gave him a kiss on the cheek, “I can still change my mind. Now go! Let me read.”

…

The summer drew to a close, and everything had completely changed in the close-knit group of Gryffindors. Remus and Sirius were no longer bothering to hide their relationship. Marlene was extremely concerned about the war, and throwing herself into her studies. Mary and Peter had suddenly become Herbology partners, and of course, James Potter had gotten what he always wanted.

Chapter Text

Lily had forgotten how messy her life was. She had let herself forget it during most of the Summer. So when Lily saw Severus, she had to stop herself from running towards him. She had to remind herself what he had done, and that she couldn’t let herself run to him as she once would have. The pang of guilt in her chest pulled her towards him, and she almost let it win. She would have if James wasn’t gripping her hand like he was.

“Red?” Remus’ voice caused her head to snap towards him, and she followed him as they boarded the train. “Sitting with us?” He asked curiously as she passed the compartment where the rest of her friends resided.

Lily shook her head, “We have the prefect meeting in a little while. Plus I think I want to see Pandora.” That was a lie. Lily liked Pandora, but she needed to see Regulus. Remus gave a suspicious look towards Lily, but let her be, though everyone was surprised when James didn’t insist on joining her.

Lily waited in the empty compartment. It didn’t take long for Regulus to enter, and Lily wondered if he had checked every compartment to find her. Regulus was skinnier than he was the last time she had seen him, his cheekbones scarily hollow as if he had been denied any food. He was pale, almost sickly looking, but more than anything he was frantic and in a state of sheer unadulterated panic, “Lily,” He sighed in relief, “are you okay?”

Lily raised an eyebrow, she hadn’t seen him, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Mulciber, he’s planning an attack. Told him not to, said it looked uncouth. Would be a waste of power, the whole typical spiel of bullshit. But he says you’ve-” Regulus paused for a moment, looking Lily up and down, “he said some horrible things.”

Lily nodded, “So I should have my wand at the ready?”

“You should have James at the ready.” Regulus sighed, “Lily, I’ve missed you.”

Lily sighed, her eyes softening with pure care and tenderness, “I’ve missed you too.”

“They made me campaign for him.” Regulus mumbled.

Lily blinked, “What?”

“They’re taking the political route. They want you-know-who to be the Minister of Magic.” Regulus explained. Before he could say a word more Lily pulled him close. “Lily I-”

“I tried to come for you Regulus. I wanted to but-”

“They would have killed you.” Regulus was near tears, “They would have killed you. Not just killed, tortured, leave you so disfigured that you couldn’t have a funeral.”

“Regulus-”

Regulus shook his head, “No, Lily, you have to promise that no matter what that you won’t save me.”

“I can’t promise that.” Lily sighed, “I can’t-” Lily paused as it became evident to her, “Regulus, what did they do to you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! It matter very much.” Lily insisted.

Regulus shrugged, “It’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s nothing you should get involved in.” Regulus was harsher than he usually was, and Lily wondered what had occurred to harden the soft boy she used to know.

“Regulus are you in danger?”

Regulus pulled back from Lily. “Lily, it doesn’t matter if I’m in danger-”

“Like hell it does!”

“It matters that you’re in danger!” Regulus stressed, pulling focus to the area he was most concerned about. “You’re in danger, I’m putting you in danger.”

Lily drew closer, her hand tangling itself in his hair and she didn’t know what came over her, she kissed him. She kissed him urgently as if to convince herself that he was there. That he was real. Lily pulled herself off of him, only for Regulus’ lips to meet hers once more. Pulling her tightly, needing her close. When they finally broke apart and realized what they had done, their faces were daunting. They could no longer claim they were just friends who cared for each other extremely. Lily recalled James, and that she wasn’t supposed to kiss anyone but James. But Lily couldn’t help her feelings for Regulus. She couldn’t help the deep-rooted need to protect him.

“I shouldn’t have-” Lily sighed, “I shouldn’t have kissed you.’

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Regulus shook his head, “I shouldn’t have kissed you back.”

“No, Regulus. You shouldn’t have.” Her eyes drifted back to his lips, “But we did.”

“We did. I don’t regret it.”

“I don’t either.” Lily assured. Neither of them knew what to say now, as there had been a cosmic shift in their relationship. There was no going back, and there was no more denial. But there was James Potter, and Lily would have to tell him, Lily would have to admit what she had done, and the worst part was that she knew James would forgive her without the slightest hesitation. Lily wanted to cry, Lily wanted to kiss Regulus again, a thousand words ghosted her lips with every breath but all she said was, “We should go to the prefect meeting.”

…

“Red, what’s wrong with you?” Remus whispered in the great hall, Lily having been noticeably mentally-absent since the prefect meeting.

Lily didn’t answer, not that anyone really noticed, the whole great hall was extremely loud. Lily blinked herself back to sanity as Marlene was asking her to place bets. It was hard to hear over all the cheers and boos. Marlene had begun her betting pool early this year, taking bets on the train, and getting the Hufflepuffs in on the action as well, with Ravenclaws deemed too statistically savvy and Slytherins excluded for obvious reasons. This caused an absolute uproar throughout the hall. There were rumors that even the headmaster was in on the betting, and Marlene refused to reveal whether this was accurate or not.

The ceremony had gone through less than ten of the students before McGonagall had decided upon the cause of the uproar. “Miss McKinnon!” Professor McGonagall yelled, having sensed the cause of the uproar and spotting the bright yellow notebook containing the elaborate info and bets from the game.

“Come on Minnie! Don’t spoil the fun.” Marlene smiled cheekily.

“Yeah, come on Minnie!” Sirius added.

Peter got a chant of “Come on Minnie!” going throughout the entire Gryffindor house in a matter of seconds and if it had been possible for her to punish her entire house, she would have. So instead she just took away house points, giving Gryffindor a record breaking low of negative one hundred house points before the madness was forcibly put to an end.

The Gryffindors were riled up by the end of the night, and had gone to their dorms with fits of laughter and raucous cheers.

“Dandelion, what’s wrong?” James had asked, he’d waited until they were alone in the boys’ dorm. Lily hesitated, not saying a thing at first, not even able to meet James’ eyes. “Come on, Evans. You can tell me.”

Lily felt the breath leave her body, and she wondered if she deserved to breathe at all. “I fucked up. Again.” Lily stated, she waited for James to say something to assure her it was okay, but he didn’t he waited patiently for her to continue. “I kissed Regulus.”

Lily met James’ eyes, trying to see something, anger, jealousy, betrayal, forgiveness, but she found nothing. “I know.” He answered, far too calm for James Potter, far too collected and responsible. He had been annoyingly rational lately and it made Lily feel like she had gone crazy.

“You’re mad, aren’t you?”

“No.” James shrugged, he sounded normal, not mad, not even upset. Just normal.

Lily blinked at him feverishly, “No, James! You have to yell at me. You have to be angry, I’m not supposed to kiss anyone but you.”

James laughed, “I thought we weren’t dating! I can’t be mad you kissed someone if we’re not dating.”

“Well- but- James!” Lily flustered and groaned, “You’re supposed to yell, you’re supposed to understand that I’m selfish and awful, and I’m going to ruin you.”

“Ruin me?”

“Yes!’ Lily exhausted, “I ruin everything I touch. You’re with me and I’m going to end up destroying you. I’m going to destroy the one perfect thing the world has! Because I’m a selfish, no good-”

James shut Lily up with a kiss. When he pulled apart he sighed, “Lily, you fixed me.”

Lily shook her head, “No, James-”

“Lily! I was an obnoxious git of a child.” James laughed, and Lily couldn’t figure out why he found her distress so amusing. “You made me a normal, person. When you’re crazy you keep me sane, and when I get out of hand you reel me back in.”

“So you’re not mad?” Lily asked, feeling worse about herself somehow. She wished that just once, James would yell at her, so that maybe he’d have a flaw. So that Lily could be justified in breaking his heart. “James, you should be mad.”

“Evans?”

“Yes?”

James smiled, “I’ve kissed Regulus too.”

…

The second that Lily opened the door she was immediately hit with the smell of oranges and the sound of American Pie on the record player, which instantly let Lily know that Mary was unpacked. “Lily’s coming in late!” Mary teased in a sing-song voice, “Have a good snog?”

“Shut up, Macdonald!” Lily whined making a bee-line for her bed.

“Well did you?” Marlene quirked a brow, “Is he as good as they say?”

Lily’s head snapped to Marlene, “They? Who’s they?” Marlene and Mary began a fit of laughter at the reaction they had garnered from their friend. “You’re both awful!”

“You make it too easy!” Marlene snickered.

Lily flopped on top of her bed, “We have Potions in the morning, don’t know who to partner with this year.”

“You two have Potions!” Mary pointed out, “I dropped it.”

“Mary! Potions is important.” Lily complained, “You’ve ought to take it.”

“Herbology is important too, and you dropped it.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “That was a matter of national safety.”

“National?”

Lily nodded, but refused to elaborate on the comment, “Yes.” She smiled warmly at her friends, “Mars, are you free or partnering with Dorcas?”

“Sorry Evans, you’re not my type!” Marlene smirked cheekily.

“In Potions, dimwit.”

Marlene sighed, “Still taken by the lovely Dorcas Meadowes.”

“Fuck, am I going to have to be with Snivellus?” Lily whined. “Maybe I can get Remus to sign back up for Potions.”

“You’d have better luck with James.” Mary tried to be helpful.

Lily loved James, but if they were doing the Potions work together, it would be more work for Lily than doing it on her own. “I’m fucked.” Lily sighed, Severus was still making her life difficult, even when she thought she had gotten rid of him.

Chapter Text

If Lily Evans could never see Severus again she would have. It made being forced into being Potions partners extremely difficult. Slughorn let them do most of the assignments individually, but the potion they were brewing took long hours, and it would be impossible for Lily accomplish on her own with prefect duties and choir rehearsal.

“Pass the newt eyes.” Lily said curtly, she had spoken to him no more than was absolutely necessary.

“It’s not supposed to be this color.” Severus mumbled.

Lily rolled her eyes, “It is, I’ve gotten better marks than you.”

Then there was silence, that dreadful silence that used to be filled with laughter or snarky remarks, or even bickering. Now it was silent with the exception to the spoon scraping the base of the cauldron as it stirred.

Every once in a while, Severus opened his mouth, as if he was going to say something, as if he was going to dare to ask a question, but he would close it again almost instantly. Lily refused to look at him, it hurt. It hurt to look at Severus and remember how highly she had regarded him. Now he was just there, he was a nuisance, and she saw him the way everyone else did. But somewhere in the back of her mind she wanted to forgive him, it took everything she had not to.

…

James and Lily were hiding in the Gryffindor common room at three in the morning. James was normally asleep by then, but he had insisted on staying up with the chronic insomniac. “I’ll hex him for you.” James offered once again, he offered to hex anyone Lily complained about but was especially enthusiastic about hexing Severus Snape.

Lily shook her head, eyes concentrating on the chess board in front of her, “Don’t you dare.”

James scoffed, “The smartest move is to-”

“I know! I know the smartest move, but you’ll take my knight.”

James smiled, “Okay, but if you keep taking this long, you’ll run out of time, and I’ll win by default.”

“If you’re gonna be a dick, I won’t play chess with you anymore.” Lily informed.

“We’re running out of games. You say I’m a dick when we play quidditch, gobstones, and exploding snap.” James laughed, “What are we going to do?”

Lily sighed, “Then stop being such an arse!”

“You’re an arse too, I just don’t complain about it as much.” James grinned wickedly.

Lily shot him a glare, “I’m not an arse.”

“It’s okay, I like that about you. You don’t take anyone’s shit, specially not mine.” James planted a kiss on Lily’s cheek. Lily couldn’t help but smile, as she moved her rook. James stared at the board confused, “That’s a strange choice, Evans.”

“Well it’s your move, Potter.”

James shrugged, moving his knight to take the bait. Lily grinned as she moved her last pawn putting him in a checkmate. “You’ve got to stop letting me win.” Lily smiled.

“You like it when I let you win.”

Lily laughed, “I’d beat you either way.”

James shrugged, “I guess this way it just saves my wounded pride.”

Lily flopped down on the carpet, James sat beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “What’s your schedule tomorrow?” Lily asked.

“Only classes and quidditch.”

“You practiced today.” Lily shook her head.

“I’m captain, we’re practicing everyday.” James informed, he was entirely too prideful in his role of quidditch captain.

Lily laughed, curling into his body heat. “Sirius and Mars might kill you.”

“I can take Sirius in a fight.”

“Can you take Mars?”

James chuckled, “If I use you as a human shield.” Lily rolled her eyes.

She didn’t recall falling asleep in James’ bed, but that’s where they both woke up the next morning. She stared at James’ sleeping form, knowing he had been a perfect gentleman and carried her there. Some people were beautiful when they slept, James Potter was not one of them. He was drooling, face down on the pillow, he had forgotten to take his glasses off and they laid crooked in his hair. His hair was somehow half curly and half stick-straight. He was about as responsive as a log, and Lily would have worried he was dead if it weren’t for the snoring.

There was a copy of yesterday’s The Daily Prophet on his bedside table, and Lily grabbed it. The headline read ‘Fifteen Muggle-Borns Dead’. Lily searched the list, she was scared she might recognise the names, but she didn’t. Lily wasn’t sure if it was wrong to be relieved, that none of the names were familiar, after all, they were still people. They were people like Lily, who were now dead. Lily did recognise one name though, the name of the suspected killer. Bellatrix Black.

Lily ran to find Regulus. She wasn’t sure what she would do when she found him, but she had to find him. Regulus was in the Great Hall, surrounded by the Slytherins. Even though it was only six in the morning, there were far too many people for her to talk to him. Lily solemnly admitted defeat.

“Pandora!” Lily ran up to the blonde Ravenclaw.

“Lily! Good seeing ya!” She was polite, but strangely covered in dirt, and Lily didn’t bother asking why.

“Is Reg-”

Pandora shook her head, “I’m going to stop you right there. I like you, Evans. I think you’re sweet, and I love Regulus. But I’m not getting myself killed for your romance.”

Lily was taken aback. “What?”

“It’s too dangerous right now. I hope it works out between you two, I really do. I’d love to be friends with you, but people here shoot the messenger, and I don’t quite feel like dying.” Pandora smiled brightly, as if she hadn’t just brutally denied Lily what she wanted.

All Lily could do was nod, “Alright then. Thanks, I guess.”

Lily made her way over to the Gryffindors, where a frantic James was looking for her. “I thought someone took you or something.” He exhausted when he saw her.

“You’re ridiculous.” Lily rolled her eyes, her day having already been soured. “I’m not going anywhere.”

…

Lily was sitting with Mary and Remus in the quidditch stands, just watching the try-outs. “Remus, have you read this?”

“Ask me! Maybe I’ve read it.” Mary pleaded, feeling somewhat left out.

“Alright, Mary, have you read Jekyll and Hyde?”

Mary slumped downwards, “No, I haven’t.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Let me guess, it reminds you of me, and my little problem?”

“Well-” Lily felt bad now, “yes.”

Remus shoved her, “Oh, shut up, Red.”

Mary shot up in her seat, “Look at that kid! He’s gonna fall off his broom!” All three watched as James did his signature expert save, carefully reaching the second year and bringing them to the ground, before sending them to the locker room.

“Way to go James!” Lily cheered, forgetting that everyone could see her. She turned bright red, and shrunk back into the stands as the eyes turned towards her.

“Lily and James sitting in a tree!” Mary sang.

Lily groaned and covered her face with her robes. “We’re not dating!”

“Come on, Evans!” Mary jeered and Remus was laughing.

“We’re not!” Lily’s cheeks were nearly as red as her hair, as she swore something she no longer believed to be true.

Chapter Text

Regulus had all but disappeared. Lily could count on her hands the amount of times she had seen him in the past week and all of them were fleeting glances in the hallway. It drove Lily near madness. All she wanted to do was talk to him, make sure he was okay, but Regulus was rarely alone, and Lily couldn’t help but imagine that this was by design.

Lily tried to bring it up to James, her plethora of concerns, but James shrugged them off, saying Regulus would come to them when he was ready. The difficult thing about Regulus was that there was no one Lily could talk to about him. Lily loved James, but Regulus was a topic that would often end with James frustrated and Lily crying. Remus didn’t like Regulus, but Remus didn’t understand him. Mary and Marlene were utterly enthralled in their own dramatic paramores.
Mary and Emmeline had been fighting again, Emmeline refused to be exclusive with Mary, but Mary wouldn’t break things off despite her unhappiness. This resulted in the girls’ dorm to be fulled of at least one of them crying at any given time, normally it was Mary, but sometimes Lily would run in and sob endlessly. Marlene had kicked Mary and Lily out of the room the other so that she could cry alone after she had a particularly nasty spat with Dorcas over some stupid detail Lily thought of as frivolous.

Overall, the three girls were complete wrecks of teenage hormones. This would have been fine if of course, their romances were the only problems the girls were experiencing, but there were more deaths in the paper every day. It was hard to tell what felt worse, the amount of people dying, or the fact that sometimes they would know the suspected culprits, people who were students at Hogwarts only a few years earlier. Lily cried everytime she read The Daily Prophet, she didn’t talk to James for two days after he had tried to get everyone to hide the paper from her when there was a particularly gruesome photo from the previous nights massacre.

…

An owl had arrived one morning at breakfast. Lily recognised the lilac stationary almost instantly as being from Petunia. Lily felt awful, she hadn’t thought of Petunia in weeks. The letter was painful to read, mostly because it contained what Lily was dreading, the fact that Petunia had been doing nothing but thinking of Lily.
Lily began openly sobbing in the middle of breakfast, James instantly had his wand raised, furious glances and threats to anyone who dared to look at Lily with a judgemental glance. Lily clutched the letter in her hand as she sprinted back to the dorm room. She thought she might throw up.

“Lily?” Mary asked, but Lily already was sprinting towards the bathroom, hurling her breakfast into the toilet. Her stomach was in knots, wracked with the guilt. Lily’s cries were incoherent, the words she was saying were completely covered and confused with her sobs.

It took an hour before Lily was able to get herself together. Lily cried often, but she hadn’t sobbed like that since her father died. She had never felt so guilty, she had left her sister behind. To make matters worse, Lily knew that she had no plans of returning.

Lily went down the stairs to find James, who had, of course, been waiting for her dutifully. “Was it mean?” He asked.

Lily shook her head, “No, it was very nice. Petunia misses me.”

“You’re homesick, then?”

It was a loaded question, Lily wasn’t sure that she could be homesick. Afterall, the people she missed, the person she was when she knew them, the home she envisioned when she thought of going back, it was all gone. Everything was gone. “I don’t want to talk about it.” She mumbled and they headed to class.

…

Defense Against the Dark Arts was extremely tense and extremely rigorous. It was no secret that a few of the Slytherins had taken to using unforgivables when there were no Professors around.

Lily had no idea where Dumbledore could have possibly found Sturgis Podmore. He was hardly three years out of Hogwarts and Lily was certain that he could not have been very qualified. James and Sirius decided that they had to torture the young professor by flinging hexes and jinxes at random intervals towards him. But each hex and jinx was masterly counterjinxed or reflected back without so much as a flinch. Regardless of the lack of teaching experience, Professor Podmore quickly gathered the classes respect.

Producing a corporeal patronus was a great feat of magic. It was a signifier of intense magical power and prowess, however, it also required one to think of a happy memory. It was to no ones surprise that James Potter was able to master this skill faster than anyone else in the class. Lily had never had such difficulty mastering a spell. The second that she tried to think of anything happy, the perpetual raincloud of grief and despair utterly ruined it, and she was reminded of her mother’s death, or her father’s death, or Petunia, or Severus. Lily was utterly frustrated, and had been complaining about it to Mary throughout the entirety of Astronomy.

“Godric, Evans! Maybe you can’t do it, is that what you want to hear?” Mary had enough of Lily’s complaining and just wanted to eat her food in peace. “Maybe you’re not powerful enough to master this one spell on your first try. I love you Lily, but sometimes you’re more annoying than Sirius.”

Lily gasped, “I am not as bad as Sirius!”

“I’m not annoying!” Sirius protested though no one listened.

“I can help you, Lily. Just think of me and it’ll come to you.” James smiled during lunch that afternoon.

Peter groaned, “Can you knock it off for one minute!” He pleaded.

Marlene nudged him, “Jealous, Pettigrew?”

“Emmeline dumped me yesterday.” He sulked, and Mary perked up at the name.

Mary blinked, “Emmeline? You were dating Emmeline?”

“Rub it in my face will you!”

“No, Pete! How long were you dating Emmeline?” Mary asked fiercely.

Peter shrugged, “Off and on the past year.” Mary shot up from the table and marched over to the Ravenclaws before dragging Emmeline into the corridor. “What was that about?”

“Let it go Pete, girl drama.” Remus grumbled, his face buried in an Ancient Runes textbook. “Red, you done the Runes homework for tomorrow?”

“She’s been busy with Potter.” Marlene teased before making kissy faces.

James pouted before retaliating, “Well, you’ve been busy with Dorcas.” James mimicked the same obnoxious kissing noises.

Lily rolled her eyes, “You’re both children!”

…

They worked on Patronus’ all week. Half the class was able to produce a patronus, although some were incorporeal. Lily had never been behind in a class. Even on her worst day in Herbology she was able to at least somewhat complete the assignment, but it seemed that Lily was utterly incapable of producing a patronus.

James had offered to tutor Lily in it, but she was worried that would make her think of him. Lily was adamant that her happiest memories could not include James Potter. She refused to be the type of girl whose life revolved around men. Then again, when she thought of happiness the first thing to come to mind was James Potter’s signature smile.

Remus had to pretend he was incapable of the assignment, as when he and Lily were practicing in the empty Charms classroom, an enormous wolf came shooting forth from his wand.

“Fuck!” Remus yelled as the wolf slowly disappeared. “Does it always have to be a bloody wolf?”

Lily sighed, “Remus-”

“Oh, fuck off, Red. I hate your pity.”

“I don’t pity you.”

Remus scoffed, “Everyone does. Even you, and James, and bloody Sirius. It’s ruined my life.”

“We’ll find a cure.” Lily promised, and Remus just looked her not understanding.

“There is no cure.”

Lily shrugged, “One day there will be. I’ll find one, we’ll do it together.”

Remus laughed, “No, we won’t but I appreciate the gesture.”

“I’m not joking Remus, you’re my best friend. We’re going to fix it.” She swore, and she meant it, even if Remus was laughing at the top of his lungs.

…

“I’m a relatively happy person.” Lily kept insisting, yet she couldn’t for the life of her think of a happy memory. Her most successful attempts had been thinking of Marlene and Christmas with the McKinnons. That had managed to produce a wisp of blue light, before she began to think of the war. “What do you think of?”

“My brothers.” Marlene answered immediately.

Lily stood and attempted the spell once more, thinking of her sister. When they made up after a huge fight back in second year. Nothing, it was as if Lily possessed no magic at all. “Petunia is not helping!” Lily groaned.

“Sometimes I think of Dorcas, too. But Dorcas is confusing sometimes.”

Lily laid on her bed, she wanted Regulus, but they had agreed to meet on Wednesday, and that wasn’t for two more days. Lily would settle for James. She felt weak when she wanted James. It made her feel like she wasn’t as good as him, but she felt so good when he was there.

“It’s not fair Marlene!” Lily continuously whined, “It’s just me and Sirius left, whole rest of the class can do it.”

“You’ll get it, half the class is incorporeal.” Marlene had managed to produce a brilliant lioness nearly a week ago, and Lily had never felt so jealous in her whole life.

“I’ve never been behind on a spell, not once!”

“You’ll be fine.” Marlene rolled her eyes, “You can be behind on one spell.” Marlene was adamant on this, as if she had never spoken to Lily Evans before, and had no idea that Lily would obsess over the spell until she could do it.

…

Lily had very reluctantly taken James up on his offer to help her with the patronus spell. Once he discovered that the issue was Lily’s own miserable mind, he was far more encouraged to help, and the lessons become more like date nights than they were study practice.

“You have to think of something happy, you’re positively delightful.” James teased. Lily shoved him, she had a rough night of prefect rounds and her robes managed to be caked in a second years vomit from a puking hex.

“I want to shower, and go to sleep James. It’s not going to work.”

James shook his head, “Come on, Dandelion, we’re not leaving until you do it.”

“We’ve been at it for three days, maybe I can’t do it.”

James gasped, as if she’d said something utterly impossible, “Take that back right this instant.”

“James-”

“Nope, we’re not stopping until you do it, we’ve almost got it.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Your belief in me is insufferable.”

He smiled brightly, the smile that she hated that she loved. She tried once more, and a brilliant doe came strutting out. A doe.

James had a deer, and Lily had a doe.

“Thanks for your help James.” Lily grabbed her bag and ran out of the room as fast as she could.

Chapter Text

Lily refused to cast a patronus in front of anyone else, of course, James already knew. Lily was mortified, snogging James was one thing. Falling in love with him was another, but having the same patronus was something else. It felt like the final tether in a sort of inspiration that scared Lily beyond reason. Lily refused to see James. She hid from him, scared that she’d be with him forever if she dared meet his eyes again.

“Miss Evans!” A second-year ran up to Lily in the hallway.

Lily laughed, “It’s just Lily. What’s your name?”

The small boy with blonde hair and cheeks littered with freckles, bowed before introducing himself, “Gilderoy Lockhart, at your service.”

Lily smiled at the outrageous display, “How can I help you Gilderoy?”

“Slughorn! Can you get me in the Slug Club?” He asked hopefully and Lily gave him a pitiful smile.

“Oh, I don’t have a say over the Slug Club.”

“Liar.”

“Excuse me?” Lily asked, shocked by the sudden audacity.

Lockhart shrugged, “We all know you’re his favorite.”

Lily crossed her arms, “If you weren’t utterly obnoxious I would have offered to help you impress him.”

“I would like to formally apologize for my previous statement.” Lockhart bowed in over formality.

“Who put you up to this? Potter? Lupin?”

“Snape.” Lockhart said plainly. For a moment Lily saw red. If she had any less self control she would have shot the messenger and the young boy young be dangling from the ceiling.

“Excuse me?” Lily gawked, “Severus Snape?”

Lockhart nodded warily, “Said you were a teachers pet, he couldn’t help me.”

Lily didn’t know whether this was a desperate attempt at getting Lily to confront him, or whether this was simply an annoying second year that Severus had no control over. “I can’t help you, well to be frank, I can, but I won’t because you’re positively bothersome.” Lily smiled kindly as she said it, eliciting a confused look from the boy.

“But you’re a prefect!”

“I’m also a bitch.” Lily informed, her patience had been extremely thin all week and the constant avoidance of James was resulting in a lack of sleep, “James, I know you’re lurking.” Lily called out and James emerged from a bookcase where he had been carefully watching.

“This guy bothering you, Evans?” James took on his bodyguard persona cracking his knuckles.

Gilderoy Lockhart scattered very quickly from the scene and Lily dissolved into laughter. “That was mean of us.”

“He’s a prat.” James rolled his eyes, “He deserved a little bit of a scare.”

“We’re no better than the Slytherins!”

James shrugged, “The Slytherins were baiting us with that one. Didn’t actually touch him.” James grabbed Lily’s hand, “I haven’t seen you.” Lily and James had been avoiding each other again. Neither were ready to have that awkward conversation defining what they were. The underclassmen kept asking Lily questions about it during prefect rounds and the quidditch team had been too nosey for James’ taste. “You’re avoiding me?”

Lily shrugged, “I’ve been busy.”

“Oh, yeah?”

Lily nodded, “You’ve been busy too.”

“Can we talk about it? I’ll behave, I promise.” James pleaded, “Won’t crack a single joke.”

“James, please.” Lily shook her head, they had a lot to discuss, but Lily hated having difficult conversations with James, it made her feel stupid, or overly emotional.

“We have to talk about it.” James assured, “I’m not gonna let you avoid me much longer.”

Lily crossed her arms, “I’m not avoiding you. I’ve been busy.”

“You haven’t even been with Remus, I’m not stupid, you’re avoiding me, and you’re avoiding this talk.”

Lily wasn’t quite sure when James had started to read her so well, and she wasn’t so sure she liked it much at all. “What do you want me to say? James, I’m not good for you.”

“I want you to know that you are good for me.”

“You’re an idiot.” Lily felt awful, she had decieved him, she had tricked him, and now he thought she was a good person. He thought she was something far better than she was, and more than anything Lily feared he would wake up and realise how wrong he was. Lily looked James Potter in the eyes, “You really love me?”

“I do.” James nodded, “You’re still not sure?”

“You love lots of people James, it’s what you do.” Lily informed. James Potter was nothing but care and love for the world mixed with snark and jokes. James could fall in love with a dead fly if he wanted to, and that idea scared Lily deeply, she worried that James would abandon her for the shiniest new thing now that the chase was ending.

“Is this about Regulus? I don’t get it.”

“Maybe.” Lily shrugged, she wasn’t sure of anything besides that fact that soon James would grow bored of her. He would resent her eventually, Lily was sure of it, “Do you love him more than me?”

“No. I love you the same amount, I think. Why does it matter? Have I done something?”

Lily desperately wished that James would crack a joke, or say something to lighten the tension, to make this easier. “I just- I can’t choose.”

“You don’t have to choose.”

Lily couldn’t comprehend it at first. “What?”

“If I don’t want to choose, and you don’t want to choose, and Regulus doesn’t want to choose, then why should we?” It may have been the smartest thing to ever come out of James Potter’s mouth according to Lily. For a moment she was speechless. “Well?”

“It’s not normal.” Lily insisted.

James laughed, “None of this is normal, not being wizards, or in Hogwarts, or the bloody war.”

There was a silence that lingered between James and Lily. Lily wanted to kiss him, cling to her life with nothing but his lips. Instead Lily nodded, in a somewhat solemn manner. “James, you’re not worried?”

“About what?”

Lily wanted to laugh at how oblivious the question was. “You and me? You and Regulus?”

“The three of us?” James dangled the idea like it was a red flag and he was a skilled matador. “You want it don’t you?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter what I want. Not when it will cost all three of us much more than our happiness.”

“I’d die to be with you.” James swore again. She hated when he said stuff like that.

Lily shook her head, “That’s easy.”

“What?”

“It’s easy to die, James. I want to live. I want to grow old. I want love, and a family. James, I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to die.”

James ran a hand through Lily’s red hair, it was becoming increasingly curly and wild with each day that passed, “Somethings are worth dying for.”

…

Lily had focused far too much on death far too often as of late. She kept James’ words in her heart and in her head. Lily had never wanted to die, and she certainly didn’t want to watch anyone else die. She thought about how her father died, how he died to be with her mom. It hurt to live without her, and Lily feared that she thought the same of James and Regulus. It scared her, how much she needed them. Lily would do her best to avoid the topic of death, avoid mentions of how doomed they all were, despite the thoughts running through her head on a constant loop.

Lily and James didn’t speak of the hard stuff, at least not more than James made Lily, which was increasingly rare as he didn’t want her to avoid him again. Lily knew it was wrong to avoid the confrontation, to continue pretending the world wasn’t real, and that they could be isolated on their own.

James was charming though, and he was more clever than he seemed. He had spun tales, and ideas. Things Lily knew were unrealistic, but she wanted so desperately that it hardly mattered.

James or Regulus, was slowly becoming James and Regulus in Lily’s mind. Her feelings for the two were too tangled and complicated to separate them any more. She had met with Regulus, often ending in tears. Crying about how he couldn’t do something or how Lily couldn’t say anything. Occasionally there was laughter and soft smiles. Kisses on cheeks and then lips.

Lily couldn’t make herself choose between them anymore, she thought the idea might kill her. If James were just a nuissance like he once was, or if Regulus would do something unforgivable then perhaps the choice would be easier. James’ taunts of there not being a choice to make were enticing, but Lily knew they were fantasies. He had once said that Regulus was a dream, something James couldn’t have, could only hope for. Lily was beginning to feel the same way. After all, the beautiful boy was a pure-blood, and a devoted one at that.

…

“Lily, stop it.” Regulus pushed her off of him after they had ended up kissing on the floor of the astronomy tower.

“What?” Lily asked, her hair messy and her eyes wide.

“You’ve lost your mind.”

“Whose fault is that?” Lily questioned audaciously. “Do you like James?”

“Lily.” Regulus warned, straightening out his tie.

Lily shrugged, “You do, don’t you?”

“I like you Lily. I really like you.” Regulus mumbled, voice barely audible as his pale cheeks developed just the slightest hint of a blush.

Lily searched for something in his face, hoping to find an inkling of softness that he once held. She felt like James Potter as she said it, “You can like us both. We could all be together, Regulus, we could be happy.”

“You’re mental.” Regulus rolled his eyes, “We’re happy Lily, you and me.”

“Are you happy Reg? Do you like hiding?” Her hand found his face and she stroked it lightly, leaving the tace of her hand to leave lingering sparks on his skin. “Reg, we could-”

“No.” It was harsh. Regulus was hardly ever so harsh with her, but it was becoming increasingly frequent, it was whenever Lily asked to be something more, to tell people. It was the only time she saw him as the rest of the world did. “You’ll be dead. You’ll be dead if people know, and if you die, if James and you die-”

“We won’t.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know what my family is like, not really.” Regulus looked around on instinct, scared he’d be overheard at the mention of his family. He always seemed to forget they weren’t able to hear him.

Lily shook her head, “They’d kill me? You really think so?”

“Bellatrix would without hesitation. I know that much. She’s got a mad crush on the Dark Lord.” Regulus shook his head, “She’s gone mad.”

“Mad enough to kill?”

“More than mad enough to kill. My parents say I should be more like her. They think I’m too soft.” Regulus mumbled, only somewhat wanting Lily to know the information. “You and James will be dead before you even know the secret is out.”

“Is that it? Is that the only reason you don’t want us? Don’t want me?”

“I do want you.”

Lily’s breath caught in her throat, “I’m not scared of your family, Reg. No one needs to know, it can just be us.”

Regulus backed away from Lily, his arms wrapping around himself. “I can’t. I can’t do it Lily. I’m sorry.”

“Regulus-”

“No.” It was the simple word that they ended on. An instant shut down, there was an air of finality to it. Lily got up to leave, straightening her hair and her robes. “You’re mad now.”

“I am mad, Regulus.” Lily sighed, “You don’t have to be so rational all the time.”

“Lily, please, I’m not James.”

“I know you’re not James. But you love him, and you love me. And we love you.” Lily sighed, “I love you Regulus. So we’re either together or we’re not. But whatever we’re doing right now has to change.”

Regulus nodded, “Goodbye, Lily.”

“Regulus-”

“I’m not letting you die for me.” Regulus was solemn, “I made a promise, that I wouldn’t let you get hurt, and if that means never seeing you again, then at least you’ll be safe.”

Chapter Text

Lily and James laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling again. “James?”

“Yeah?” He slurred sleepily, he’d been trying to get Lily to fall asleep, but her mind was racing.

“Regulus hates me now.”

“Regulus doesn’t hate you. You’re just tired.” James yawned, “Regulus hates literally everyone but you. He’s an arse.”

“Hey, don’t say that. I love him.” Lily chastised.

James sighed, “I love him too, it’s why I’m allowed to say it.”

“James?” Lily asked again, yawning slightly, refusing to let her eyes droop for a second.

“What?” James was trying to remain patient, but he also had been flying on the quidditch pitch for nearly six hours that day, and he was exhausted.

“Do you really think I’ll be attacked if I date Regulus?”

“Yes.”

“James!”

James sighed, “I’m not going to lie to you, Dandelion. Just go to bed.” He buried his head in her neck.

Lily turned to face him, a small pout on her face, “Why would you say that?”

“Cause I’m not going to lie to you.”

Lily groaned, “You think I’ll be killed.”

“No, but I think we’ll both be attacked.”

“But it was your idea!” Lily nearly squealed, “You said we should all date, make things easier.”

“Yeah, but I’m full of bad ideas.”

“James!” Lily agonised, “He doesn’t want me anymore. He doesn’t want to see me.”

James shrugged, nuzzling deeper into Lily’s hair until it muffled his voice, “I think we can handle this in the morning.”

Lily gave him a peck on the lips and he shot up like a rocket, “Looks like you’re up now.”

“You’re a tease Evans!” James ran an axasperated hand down his face.

Lily laughed, “I’m trying to get your attention.”

“You always have my attention.” James huffed, “But it’s the middle of the night.”

“James, do you think he’ll come around?”

James shrugged, “Hell if I know, but we’re gonna keep trying.”

“I think we can save him, if we try.”

James kissed Lily’s forehead and laid back down on the bed. He didn’t answer though, and Lily knew why. James was doubting that they could. Regulus didn’t want to be saved, at least not by the two over-protective Gryffindors that had fallen for him.

“We have to save him.” Lily whispered, and if James had heard, he pretended not to as he was wordlessly pulling Lily to lay back down on his chest.

…

Lily had felt extremely aged and matured over the past few weeks. The headmaster was suspiciously absent. There were rumors that Dumbledore was helping to fight Voldemort, but there were also rumors that Dumbledore had actually moved to Argentina for a moth long holiday. The fact of the matter was that there was a war now. It was no longer the beginning of an uprising, there was an undeclared and unaddressed war on muggle-borns. Meaning that Lily had been fighting off hexes everytime she walked down the hallway.

Lily was on her prefect rounds when she came across a pale body in the middle of the corridor. It was in a deep pool of scarlet blood, the breathing incredibly shallow. Lily screamed, she thought she might pass out as she looked at the sight. She recalled the basic training from her grade school years, CPR. She had never had to do it before, and she wasn’tsure it was even applicable to magical wounds, they might already be dead, but she had to do something. She had seen CPR on the telly a few times, and began feverishly pumping their chest. Lily kept screaming and yelling, and eventually a professor came to the scene. The body was pulled from underneath Lily in an instant, and she collapsed, thankful that the student was going to get help.

“Miss Evans!” McGonagall sighed, “What happened here?”

Lily shrugged, not saying a word. Lily didn’t trust her voice now that the adrenaline wore off. She was still in shock from everything and wasn’t sure she could trust her legs to stand. She was covered someone else’s blood.

McGonagall waved her wand, the blood fading away in a second, as if it had never been there. “Are you injured?” Lily shook her head. “Then, let’s talk in my office, shall we?”

Lily was growing to absolutely hate McGonagall’s office, nothing good ever happened in McGonagall’s office. Lily’s breathing immediately became shallower as she entered the cold marble room.

“I didn’t see what happened. I just saw them, and there was so much blood and-”

“Miss Evans, please.” McGonagall was caring but firm in her tone, “you may have very well saved that child, you are not in trouble in the slightest. I just need you to tell me as much as you can.”

“They’ll be okay then?” Lily questioned, voice shaking and eyes full of tears.

McGonagall nodded, “He’s alive and currently unconscious, we’ll be able to better assess the damage when they wake.”

“Who is he?”

McGonagall sighed, “A Slytherin boy, a first year.”

“A Slytherin?”

“He’s a muggle born.” McGonagall informed sadly, “Peter Hill.”

Lily inadvertently curled in on herslef. “I didn’t think- not their own house.”

“No, it’s quite difficult to know where the lines are drawn in this war.” McGonagall agreed, “Now, Miss Evans, please if you would tell me what you came across.”

Lily explained the gruesome scene, the blood spread across the bricks, the fear that devoured her entire body. Everything that she could remember was leaving her mouth before she even let her brain quite process what she was saying.

The incident had horrified Lily, and she was more careful than ever. She was especially worried about the first-years. Lily had written a system for the entire house, she had spent hours surveying everyone for their schedules. There was no moment that a muggle-born would have to walk to or from class alone, especially not the underclassmen. Lily had been meticulous in collecting volunteers after the horrifying attack.

She swore she wouldn’t let it happen again, but of course, that was not the nature of a war. No one person could stop it.

…

Lily hadn’t seen Regulus, not in the past several weeks. But they had finally escaped everyone for just a moment. Lily and Regulus had been sitting in the empty classroom for nearly an hour, and had managed to not say more than a few words to each other, both reading in silence, pretending not to notice the thick tension between them.

“Regulus?” Lily had finally gotten the courage to confront him. It had been days since the attack, but she couldn’t bring herself to talk to any Slytherin, even the one that she loved. “You didn’t do it did you?”

“Lily, don’t ask me that. Please? We haven’t spoken in days, and that’s what you ask me?” Regulus didn’t meet Lily’s eyes.

Lily blinked at him, “That kid could have died, Regulus did you attack him?”

Regulus began to fumble around for his wand, his usual poise leaving him for just a moment. “It’s complicated Lily, please.”

Lily shook her head, drawing her own wand now. “Regulus. Why won’t you answer me?”

“It’s complicated.”

“It’s not.” Lily insisted, “An eleven year old boy. A child, a Slytherin. He almost died, Regulus. Did you do it?”

Regulus gripped his wand, his knuckles turning even whiter than they already were. “Please.”

“Why?” Lily asked, “Regulus, why?”

“You won’t understand.” Regulus insisted.

“You’re right.” Lily nodded, “I probably won’t understand, but you have to try and tell me, Reg.”

“Lily, I had to.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, “You had to?”

“Please, just trust me.” Regulus stammered, “I didn’t mean for him to get that hurt.”

“You ran.” Lily couldn’t look at him now, she didn’t understand Regulus. She could forgive an attack, but leaving him there, she couldn’t understand it. “You ran Regulus.”

“I’m a coward.” Regulus waited a second, for Lily to disagree, but she didn’t. “I’m sorry Lily, I’m so so sorry.”

Lily wanted to run to him, wanted to tell him it would be okay. But she couldn’t, she felt like she didn’t recognise him, but there was the same softness in his eyes. The same frail voice and slumped posture she had only seen when they were in private. Yet, he did something horrible, he was a Death Eater. Lily had always known that one day Regulus would wish her dead, but she had never thought it would be so soon.

…

“Lily,” James pleaded, but she wasn’t listening. “Dandelion!”

“No.” Lily snapped, not looking at him. Lily was carefully staring at her transfiguration essay.

“Regulus was crying, what did you do?” James questioned audaciously.

Lily got up to leave the common room. She didn’t want to fight with James, and she didn’t want to make James and Regulus fight.

James grabbed her hand, “Lily! Talk to me.”

Lily had a temper, it was one of the things James loved about Lily, one of the things Lily would consider in her list of flaws. So it was no surprise that she began to shout. “It’s always, ‘Lily what did you do?’ it’s always ‘talk to me’. Fuck off Potter, I don’t want to talk about it. I didn’t do anything!”

“I didn’t say you did, but I can’t fix it if-”

“You can’t fix everything James! You can’t just make things better. Sometimes things are hard, and you have to deal with it.” When Lily finally registered what she had said, James was nearly crying. He was trying to hide it, James hated crying. Lily’s tone softened, “James, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

James wiped his eyes, trying to cover it as adjusting his glasses. “Yeah, um. Whatever, it’s fine. Night, Evans.” He went to go up to his dorm.

“James-” Lily pleaded. He turned around, he always turned around for her. “I love you.”

James gave a smile, a small, timid one rather than the usual beaming one he put on. “I love you too, Dandelion.”

It was a great comfort to Lily to hear it. She knew that they weren’t okay right now. But there was relief in the fact that she knew they would be.

Chapter Text

The attacks had halted. The Slytherins were tiptoeing around each other and the teachers were patrolling the halls during their free period. James and Lily had made up after their fight rather quickly, both apologizing over breakfast the next morning and cuddling all afternoon.

It was the first time since knowing each other that Lily was the one avoiding Regulus. Pandora refused to communicate between the two, insisting that they work it out on their own. Regulus was seeking increasingly desperate measures, and if the school weren’t so scared of the Black family, then someone would have said something about it.

Regulus had managed to hex Lily when she was on her prefect rounds. Lily had her feet stuck to the floor. She was unable to move, unless of course she did the counterhex, which they both knew Lily was more than capable of. “Lily, I’m sorry.”

“Regulus, this is how you choose to tell me that?” Lily gestured to her feet stuck to the floor of the prefect bathroom. “I know you’re sorry, but you still did it.”

“I didn’t hurt you!”

“You hurt someone.” Lily corrected, “Regulus, you’re lucky he survived.”

Regulus almost shrunk in on himself for a moment, but he caught himself and straightened his posture. “Lily, I told you. It’s dangerous to be near me.”

“We both know this isn’t what you meant.”

“Fine, Evans. Take your leave then.” Regulus met Lily’s stern gaze. He held it with confidence. The confidence and ego it would take to lead an army. Lily reckoned this is what his mother had trained him to behave like, but Lily hated it. It didn’t seem like Regulus, this was not the charming prince she loved, this was a cruel king, one that ruled with an iron fist.

Lily performed the counterhex, unsticking her feet from the floor. “Black, you listen here.” She pointed her wand at him. “You’re a lot of things, you’re arrogant, and you’re far too stubborn to leave you’re awful family. But you’re not a soldier.”

“It’s called loyalty. Not that you would understand.” Regulus dictated each word with careful precision, making sure each sound hit like a bullet.

Lily blinked at him, she truly didn’t recognise him in that moment. “You’re not sorry, are you?”

“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” Regulus relented, “But I’m not sorry for doing what I had to.”

Lily’s breath hitched, she wanted to cry, but instead her upper lip began to twitch in upset. “Do you still love me?” She hadn’t meant to ask it. She hadn’t intended for Regulus to hear the words, but she knew he did. She watched Regulus melt into someone familiar once more.

Regulus bit his lip for a second. “I love you more than I should, and less than you deserve.”

Lily wanted to explain that he was more than anything she deserved. She wanted to kiss him. But she was still mad, she couldn’t help but know what he was, who he was. She couldn’t help but imagine the poor first year on the floor, in his own blood. “Do you love me enough to leave them? If you had to?”

Regulus didn’t answer. He didn’t even entertain the notion of answering the question, he just murmured some awful sounding french sentence. How Lily loathed when he did that, when he hid things in such a way, just out of reach.

“Let me save you.” Lily pleaded.

Regulus shook his head, “I should never have fallen for you.” He sighed, it was shallow, as if he didn’t have the lung capacity to let out such a breath. “I’d die for you Lily, I’d die for you in a heartbeat, but-”

“No one is dying.” Lily repeated, she wasn’t sure how much longer she could do this. “Regulus, I need you to choose me. We can talk when you’re ready to choose me for once.” Lily didn’t wait for a response. She just left/

Lily would have done anything in that moment, for everything to go away. For there to be no war, and no sides. But there was a war, and Regulus was on the frontlines of a side of a war that was decided for him before he could choose. Lily was planted on the other side, by virtue of nothing but her own blood. After all blood is thicker than water.

…

Lily had taken to hiding away with Remus, rather than try and interact with either of her confusing paramores. They spent their time wandering the grounds that were covered in slowly dying grass turning pale shades of brown. Their least productive discussions consisted of debates over their History scores. Their most productive discussions were of the most recent castle gossip. “Have you heard about Emmeline?”

“What about her?”

Remus grinned, the way he did when he was about to divulge something he shouldn’t, “She’s dating Mary and Pete. But Pete thinks he got her pregnant.”

“Pete got her pregnant?” Lily gawked.

Remus shrugged, “Might just be a scare. But Pete’s scared out of his wits.”

Lily shook her head, “If I ever get pregnant, you’ll have to shoot me.”

Remus laughed, “You’d be a good mum.”

“I know I would. But kids are sticky, don’t want one.” Lily shrugged, “Specially not so young, I’m practically a child.”

“I don’t think she’s really pregnant, do you?” Remus asked, with a sideways glance. Lily shrugged, “Her and Mary broke up again.”

“Again?” Lily groaned, she was sick of the constant sobbing within the girl’s dorm. “Mary loves her, though.” Lily sighed, “Don’t know anything, Emmeline only gossips about other people, and Mary isn’t comprehensible when she cries. I don’t get any good gossip anymore!”

“It’s okay. Sirius is more than dramatic enough for me.” Remus chuckled, “He’s obsessed with the Hufflepuff’s lately. Convinced the fifth year girls are flirting with him.”

“Are they?”

“Not if I’m there.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Sirius is a brat, you know.”

“What did he do this time?”

“James and Sirius have detention for the whole week cause they did an engorgement hex on some poor second year. It’s an illegal hex, you know. I had to write them up. Lucky they’re not meeting with the Ministry.” Lily crossed her arms and shook her head.

Remus snorted, “Calm down goody-two-shoes, it’s just detention.”

“Which means James is waking me up at four am so he can get to quidditch practice.” Lily groaned in complaint.

“You’ve got to stop sleeping together.”

Lily blushed feverishly, she nearly sweated at the idea despite the cool autumn air. “We don’t do anything! We just cuddle. It’s not like we’re you and Remus.” Lily retorted.

“You’re both obnoxious in the morning. ‘Oh, I love you my beautiful angel’ and all that. It’s disgusting.”

“I have never uttered those words in my life!”

“James does, every goddam morning.” Remus scoffed, “Bloody horrific.”

Lily shoved him, “You’re jealous.”

“Shove off!” Remus complained, “You’re impossible.”

…

It had been days since Regulus and Lily spoke. James hadn’t heard the end of it from either of them. It was a mix of complaints, arguments, and crying from all three of them. There were nights when Lily would lie awake in James’ bed, waiting for him to return from talking to Regulus.

“Ten points from Gryffindor.” Lily teased, as James slid under the covers beside her.

James rolled his eyes and gave Lily a kiss on the cheek, “You know, I could kick you out. It’s my bed.”

Lily glared at him playfully, “I’m sure Remus would be happy to have me in his bed.”

“Back off, Evans!” Black shouted, illiciting a mix of groans and giggles from the rest of the room.

James casted a silencing charm as he drew the curtains around them. “What are you reading tonight?”

“Sherlock Holmes.” Lily smiled, she closed the book and put it aside, “You might like it, it’s rather exciting.”

James quirked an eyebrow, “That can’t be possible, it’s a book.”

“You’re an idiot.” Lily rolled her eyes, “You’re rather smart you know, or you would be if you applied yourself.”

“Ah, but we both know I won’t. I’m a trouble-maker at heart,” James wrapped his arms around her, “But you love me anyway.”

“Don’t push it, Potter.” Lily laughed. Then there was the silence again. The silence that happened almost every night. Where Lily wanted to ask about Regulus, wanted to know he was okay, but couldn’t make herself say the words.

“He misses you.” James answered, not needing to hear the question.

Lily sighed, snuggling closer to him, “James, you weren’t there. It was awful.”

“You know it’s more complicated than that.”

Lily huffed, “That’s not fair.” She simultaneously got closer to him and turned away from him so she wouldn’t have to look him in the eyes. “It’s always ‘complicated’, it doesn’t excuse everything.”

James ran his fingers through Lily’s tangled hair, he fidgeted with it. He’d begun to develop the habit of playing with Lily’s hair whenever he thought she was mad at him. Lily couldn’t help but relax at the calming action. “Lils, won’t you just, talk to him.”

“I just need time.” Lily gripped the sheets, beginning to fiddle with them, “I’ll get over it. I’ll forgive him, I just need to find a way to save him.”

“We can’t.”

Lily paused, “You’re the optimist. You’re supposed to think we can save him, and keep him at our home over the summer and-”

“Our home?” Lily didn’t need to look at James to tell he had on a smug smile.

Lily turned around just so she could glare at him properly, “That’s not the point James. I have to get him out, he’ll die there.”

“He needs you right now, Lily. He doesn’t need you to save him, just to be there.” James was being too rational, he’d been extremely reasonable lately and Lily didn’t know whether she hadn’t seen it before, or if he was growing up.

Lily could feel the lump in her throat. She got out of bed. “Where are you going?”

Lily sighed, “He needs me.” She hadn’t realised she was crying until James moved to brush away her tears.

Lily went to the Astronomy Tower, knowing that the chances of him being there were slim. Knowing that if he was there, he might not want to see her. So she was shocked as his body nearly tackled her to the ground the second she stepped inside.

There were no words said, just lips pressed against each other. Just desire, a need for something safe and familiar. A need for each other. The issues remained unresolved, but they felt insignificant in comparison to the burning. If politics were the divide between them, they’d light the whole government ablaze. Nothing else mattered anymore, they didn’t need to say it, they both knew. Regulus chose her, Lily would always choose him, would always choose them.

After all blood is thicker than water, but of course, anyone who reads prose knows that the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

Chapter Text

James had insisted on Lily coming to every possible quidditch practice so that he could properly show off to her. The first match of the year was coming up and if James wasn’t in class, he was practicing on the quidditch pitch. Sirius and Marlene criticised James, calling the extra practice excessive and obsessive, to which James made them both do an extra ten laps.

“No, I have to finish my Arithmancy work! I’m going to be behind.” Lily whined, after James insisted she watch him for the fifth time that week. “I’ll come to the game, but I’m not watching you practice, can hardly see you up there anyhow.”

James groaned, “You love watching me fly.”

“I do not, you love me watching you fly. I like turning my assignments in on time, and finishing my Potion.”

“How did I end up with the most boring girl in Hogwarts!” James complained, causing Lily to smack his arm. “You know lots of other girls would love me to invite them to practice.”

“By all means, go ahead.” Lily countered.

James raised a brow, trying to call her bluff. “Maybe I will.”

“I hope you do.” Lily took the last swig of coffee from her mug, before slamming it down on the table a little too harshly, causing a thud to echo the great hall.

Lily had never expected James to actually ask someone else to watch him practice, afterall, James and Lily were known to be an item throughout the school. To make matters worse, James had asked a redheaded fifth year from Ravenclaw. Lily had never considered herself a jealous person before, especially since she knew how devoted James was, but something about this made her blood boil.

Lily couldn’t help the angry twitch that began when she saw her. She probably could have helped the fact that she jinxed the girl to have horrible boils all over her face. That earned Lily a long lecture from McGonagall, and if it weren’t for her lying through her teeth, it would have earned her a weeks worth of detention. McGonagall truly didn’t need to punish her though, because nothing was as bad as James Potter knowing he had made Lily Evans jealous.

“You love me!” James teased. Lily hid her face behind her hands, shoved into the table. “You love me so much!”

“I’ll hex you! I’m not joking.”

“No you won’t, you love me too much!” James taunted, but was immediately proved wrong as bats began to fly out of his nose. Sirius escorted him to the infirmary. Lily reluctantly followed behind him. She knew James was fine, it wasn’t even a particularly powerful hex. “That was mean.”

“I warned you I was going to hex you!” Lily reminded, “I don’t often bluff.”

“Well you did-” James began but luckily for him, Sirius covered his mouth with his hand.

Sirius laughed, “Prongs you’re practically asking for it, you know better than to test Evans.”

“I forgive you.” James sighed.

Lily laughed, “I’m not apologizing, you deserved it.”

“I forgive you anyway.” James said, before he sneezed and another bat flew out.

…

The quidditch match was the next weekend, against Hufflepuff. This meant that Mary and Peter had planned the victory party far in advance as there was not a singular chance of Gryffindor losing to Hufflepuff, at least not according to Pete. The seventh years on the quidditch team had graciously provided a plethora of supplies.

“Pete, why don’t you play quidditch?”

Peter shrugged, “No good on a broom. Hell, you’re better than me on a broom, Lily.”

Lily shook her head, “No way.”

“If you’re dating James you’ve got to be.” Peter laughed.

Lily wanted to say some smart retort about how her and James weren’t really dating, or some other nonsense of the sort, but they had all seen her hex that poor fifth year. “He likes to show off, he’d die if I could compete with him.”

“You’re both better than me.” Mary chimed in, “But I’m still prettier than both of you, so I guess it cancels out.”

“Oh, shove off Macdonald!” Lily cried, casting spells to help hang the streamers. “We’ve got to hurry or we’ll miss the opening of the match.”

“It doesn’t get good until the snitch is released anyway.” Mary retorted.

“James will pout all day if I don’t cheer for him when exits the gate.” Lily couldn’t help but smile at the idea, she thought James was adorable when he pouted. Lily kept everyone on track before dragging them all down to the pitch. They were just in time to hear the players be announced, and captain James Potter came flying out on his broom. He was exceedingly charming when he was in the air, and Lily could see why she had so much competition for him.

Everything about James was effortless when he was playing. James could play professionally with ease if he desired. He could do anything he wanted. Despite Lily’s constant complaints and lack of quidditch comprehension, she loved to watch James fly. She could see his smile from a hundred feet below. She didn’t have to hear his obnoxious jokes and retorts, she could just admire him for a moment. Lily reckoned this is how she was meant to behold James Potter, like a work of art, something to be adored. Lily thought that if anyone deserved to soar above with the angels, it was James. Someone pure as crest-fallen snow, yet warm as a fire. Lily loved him, and if he wanted to fly forever, Lily would be more than happy to watch him do so.

When Gryffindor inevitably won, and James was hailed as a quidditch hero. It was less than an hour before the vast majority of upperclassmen were drunk off their asses. James was practically holding Lily upright. “Godric Evans, you’re a lightweight!” He laughed.

“Just had some firewhiskey is’all.” Lily giggled, kissing James on the lips. Although her vision was admittedly disoriented, she caught sight of someone she’d recognize anywhere, even if he had poorly attempted to disguise himself in muggle clothing. “Is’at Reg?”

James turned and met eyes with the pale boy in overly baggy jeans and a Led Zepplin t-shirt, both of which he had clearly borrowed from someone else. “Regulus? What are you doing here?”

Regulus laughed, in an off-kiltered kind of manner that alerted James to how tipsy Regulus was already. “I came to see you?” Regulus answered, as if it was obvious.

James sighed, “You’re both bloody ridiculous.”

But it was far too late for James to stop any of it, Lily and Regulus were already spinning each other around the dance floor. Doing some awkward discombobulated waltz, their usual desire for anonymity was completely lost with their current state.

They’d be lucky if the whole castle didn’t know by morning, but in that moment, that beautiful moment, where there was nothing but music, dancing, and love, none of it mattered. James joined them, and soon the three of them were dancing on tables and James had lost his shirt.

For just one night, they were normal teens, having fun together.

Until Regulus had too much to drink and vomited on himself, and then Lily blacked out and forgot the second half of the night. For that second half of the night, they were normal teens, who had made the very unfortunate decision of drinking too much and having James Potter be the responsible one.

Chapter Text

Lily wasn’t quite sure how James and Regulus had ended up in her bed. But she’d be lying to say that it hadn’t been the best night of her life, or at least the parts she remembered. Regulus looked peaceful when he was sleeping there, in James’ arms. Lily had never once seen Regulus so calmed, and she wondered if he could only be so unbothered in his dreams. But Lily quickly remembered that she had roommates. Roommates that would be back in little more than ten minutes, and she had not one, but two boys in her bed.

“Lily, why is the door locked?” Mary shouted, with a bang on their door.

Regulus was stirring and James reached for his glasses on the nightstand. “James, why are you in here?”

“We didn’t do anything promise! You and Reg fell asleep on top of me.” James defended in a hushed voice.

“Evans! For Godrics sake, I have to use the bathroom!” Mary yelled, banging on the door in increasingly frequent intervals.

Lily rushed out of bed, drawing the curtains around them.

“Hey, Mary.” Lily panted.

Mary raised an eyebrow, “Long night?”

Lily laughed half-heartedly, “Yeah, you can say that again.”

“Who is in there?”

Lily blinked and pulled a face, “What?” Lily elongated the word, trying to sound casual and utterly failing.

“Don’t play dumb, I’m not stupid.” Mary pushed past Lily.

“No no no- don’t open that.” Lily pleaded as Mary threw open the curtain around Lily’s bed. “What? How did they get there?” Lily shrugged awkwardly as James and Regulus were smiling sheepishly at Mary.

“Christ, Evans! You’ve got two of them!”

“What? How did I get here?” James tried to play dumb as well, but the fact that he was in nothing but his boxers made the events of the previous night glaringly obvious.

Regulus just groaned, drawing his wand from the night stand, he stood up, and pointed the wand at Mary. “Listen here,” his voice was dark and threatening, much more so than Lily had ever heard from him. “You tell a soul about this, you’ll be lucky to remember your own name.”

Mary rolled her eyes and smirked at Regulus. “Hard to take you seriously when you’re wearing boxers with little stars on them.”

“Fuck you.”

Mary laughed, “Oh, get dressed and get out of here, all of you. I won’t tell a soul.” Mary disappeared into the bathroom and Regulus instantly groaned.

“I feel awful.” He complained, about to climb back in the bed. Lily grabbed out a few vials of potions from under her bed, she plugged her nose and took the potion in one gulp before handing one to Regulus, gesturing for him to do the same. He regained color almost instantly, “No wonder Slughorn adores you. That’s miracle work.”
James grabbed his robes, slipping them on. “Up and at ‘em.” James beamed. Regulus was already back in Lily’s bed half-asleep. James pulled the covers away. “That includes you Reg.”

Regulus opened one of his eyes, only so that he could glare at James. “It takes sleep to be this beautiful. Not that you would understand.”

“I never sleep.” Lily commented.

“Lily can be the exception to the rule.” Regulus mumbled, his head in the pillow.

Lily laughed, James rolled his eyes. “Reg, come on, it’s already late.” Lily said with a sigh, hating to disrupt him, he looked so innocent asleep.

“It’s eight in the morning.” Regulus corrected.

He was in a state of dismay when both Lily and James stated, “That’s late!”
Regulus looked at the two early risers with astonishment, and got out of the bed with a stubborn huff. “You’re idiots, you’re both idiots.” James scooped Regulus bridal style, to groans and protests, before lowering him to the ground, Lily was in a fit of laughter. Regulus just pouted and got dressed, pretending to be much more dignified than he truly was.

…

There was no more hiding what they were after the previous night. The whole castle knew and no one was quite sure what to do about the relationship, with the exception of one person. Before Regulus could utter a singular word, Sirius punched him square in the nose. “You fucker! What are you playing at?” Sirius shouted.
Regulus pulled his own fist back, ready to strike. James and Remus pulled apart the squabbling brothers, who were now shouting over each other, hurling insults at each other at the speed of light. There was a crowd forming, eager to witness the fall of the Noble House of Black in real time.

“Sirius, calm down!” James urged, which only angered Sirius further.

“Stay out of this Prongs! I’ll finish you off when I’m done with Reg!” Sirius was furious, pale skin turning red in anger.

Lily saw Sirius reaching for his wand, “Expelliarmus!” Lily shouted, and in a moment, Sirius’ wand was in her hand. “For fucks sake Sirius!”

“You’re on my list too Evans!” He warned, Remus was finally getting Sirius to settle down. “Not one of you told me?” Sirius looked more hurt than mad as he asked. “Not one of you told me a thing about this.”

“Padfoot, listen-” James pleaded.

Sirius rolled his eyes, subconsciously reaching for his wand to jinx James, “Don’t ‘Padfoot’ me. You’re a traitor James. Sleeping with a bloody death eater. With my baby brother.” Sirius looked more hurt than angry for just a moment. “I thought we told each other everything, James. Then you go and snog my brother?”

Regulus’ jaw set for a minute, he was still holding his likely broken nose as it gushed blood. “Thought you said we weren’t brothers anymore.” The words were cold, everything about Regulus felt cold in that moment. But it somehow relit the fire in Sirius.

“They don’t know. Do they Reg? They don’t know half the shit you’ve done.” Sirius’ words bit with animosity. Regulus nearly recoiled at them. “Should I tell them? Burst your bubble, have them know, know who you really are?”

Regulus stood taller, back straightening. He dropped his hand from his face, allowing the blood to gush freely. When he stood at his full height he was just barely taller than Sirius. Regulus was trying to intimidate him. “Do it. Air out my laundry and I’ll air yours.”

Sirius flinched, but he didn’t shrink or shy away from the younger brother. “Death Eater.” Sirius sneered.

“Blood traitor.” Regulus returned.

“What does that make you then?” Sirius asked, “Kissing the muggle-born. Whole school saw it.”

Lily pushed them apart, “Back off Sirius! You don’t understand.”

Sirius laughed, “I understand better than anyone. I was there! I have the same parents and I’m not a fucking Death Eater.”

“Pads, you’re out of line!” James warned.

Sirius paid James no mind, getting into Lily’s face. “You don’t understand Lily. You’ll be dead in a week, if you’re lucky. He’ll kill you, Black’s have got no soul.”

“We’re the same!” Regulus challenged, “You’re no better than me.”

“I don’t need to be better. I need to be worse, I need to be bad enough that you know to keep your bloody hands off my friends.” Sirius fought against Remus’ hold, trying to get to Regulus. “You’re not my brother. If I see you near James or Lily again, I’ll bloody kill you Reg. I’m not joking.”

“He’s not doing anything!” Lily defended. “You’ve lost it, Sirius. You’ve lost you’re damn mind.”

James dropped his hold on Regulus to grab Lily by the shoulder, trying to pull her away from Sirius. Regulus couldn’t help himself though, “Careful, he’s related to Bellatrix afterall.”

Sirius stopped his struggle for a mere second. He looked wild and feral, like he was having some rabid flashback. He wasn’t himself. His voice held no humor, it wasn’t an argument, it was a fight. “Evans, you’re a toy to him. You’re a bloody fucking fool if you think Regulus thinks you’re worth more than the dirt off his shoe.”

Lily didn’t know what came over her. She wasn’t thinking, she just looked him square in the eyes, took his wand that was in her hand, and snapped it. It broke clean in two pieces the sharp sound echoed. “Not so tough now, huh, Black?”

“You’re a bitch.” Sirius gruffed, “You’re a cold hearted, frigid, whore and the only reason Reggie even likes you is cause you remind him of our dear mummy.”

Lily didn’t respond, she stood still as everyone’s wand aimed toward Sirius. “Apologize, right now.” James gritted.

“No, James.” Lily shook her head. “He shouldn’t apologize. You meant every word, didn’t you, Sirius?” She asked.

Sirius lost the red color from his cheeks, he blinked. He had expected Lily to run away or cry, not to straighten her spine and seem unaffected. Sirius seemed to have registered what he’d said, registered what had just happened. “In my defense, you broke my fucking wand.”

Lily had broken his wand, and she was reasonable enough to realize there should be consequences to her actions. But words hurt more than a broken wand. Sirius had started it, hadn’t he? Sirius and Lily always fought like this, when they did fight. They’d scream, hurt each other, and then be fine again the next day. Lily didn’t think she could unsee the image though.

The scars that lined Regulus’ back, the bones visible under skin. Lily grew angry when she remembered. She grew angry at the woman who caused it whenever she looked at Regulus. Lily hadn’t realized how tightly she was gripping her wand, at least not until it was suddenly in Remus’ grasp. “Give me my wand.” Lily insisted.

Remus shook his head, “You’re too mad. You need to calm down.”

“I’m fucking calm!” It came out louder, angrier than Lily had intended. Not one person there believed her. “James! Make him give it back.”

James took a step back, still holding Regulus by the arms, keeping him from lunging at Sirius. “Lily, I think you need to calm down.”

Lily breathed, one deep breath and in an unwavering and entirely unnervingly calm voice stated, “Remus, I believe it would be wise of you to return my wand.”

“It would have been wise of you not to break mine.” Sirius mumbled.

That was it, Lily saw red. Nothing but pure anger, directed at Sirius. In that moment, Sirius wasn’t her friend, Sirius was everything that she hated, everything wrong with the world. The years of frustration, anger, hormones. It was all towards Sirius. Perhaps, that’s why there was a large bang, echoing through the hall. A flash of light that refracted through the windows, nearly blinding. Perhaps that’s why whatever Lily had done left Sirius to be lying on the cold marble floor, in a puddle of his own blood.

Chapter Text

Lily was in McGonagall’s office, this time with James and Regulus. The three were left to awkwardly fidget in silence while Sirius was in the infirmary. “I’ll buy him a new wand.” James sighed.

“I killed him, didn’t I?” Lily asked.

“You didn’t even have your wand.” James looked towards Regulus.

Regulus rolled his eyes, “I didn’t do it, don’t look at me like that.”

James mumbled, “Well, you’re the only one here who’s-”

“Don’t start with me Potter, or you’ll be next.” Regulus grumbled.

“So you did do it?” James taunted.

“Both of you shut up!” Lily groaned. “I did it. It was me, I did it. I killed Sirius!” Lily was nearly crying when she said it.

McGonagall entered the office at that moment, “No one killed anyone, Mr. Black is perfectly fine.”

“But the blood, I saw it, I-” Lily began, but McGonagall held up a hand, stopping her from continuing to ramble.

“Mr. Black is perfectly fine.” McGonagall repeated. She sat behind the large desk, and faced the three students. “Now, which one of you would like to explain what happened?”

Lily and James began talking over each other. McGonagall didn’t pay them the slightest bit of attention, her eyes were instead trained on Regulus Black, who didn’t say a word. Regulus didn’t shy away either, he looked McGonagall dead in the eyes. “Mr. Black.” McGonagall adressed him, causing Lily and James to instantly stop talking. “Would you care to elaborate?”

“No ma’am.” Regulus didn’t flinch as he answered, it seemed like he had done this a million times.

Silence lingered in the room for far too long, tension building until James finally burst, needing to fill the lack of noise. James began rambling nonsensically about how he wasn’t exactly sure what happened and how he needed to see Sirius right that second. McGonagall sighed, “Alright, go Mr. Potter.” McGonagall dismissed him, knowing that James wouldn’t stop asking to see his partner in crime. “You two, who wants to explain?” Lily opened her mouth, but then she looked towards Regulus, who was giving her a warning glare. Lily closed her mouth without a word.

“I know one of you did something to harm Sirius Black, now either one of you confesses, or you both are given a months detention.” McGonagall made herself crystal clear. Though, she stared directly at Regulus, expecting him to be the culprit.

“It was me.” Lily confessed. “I did it.”

“Ms. Evans, please-”

“I’m telling the truth!” Lily insisted, “I don’t know how I did it. I didn’t have my wand, and I didn’t mean to. I was just so mad, and then-” Lily was crying. Regulus’ hand gripped hers tightly, and Lily held onto it like he would leave if she let go.

“Mr. Black, if you would please leave Miss Evans and I for a moment.” McGonagall requested.

“No thank you, ma’am.” Regulus answered immediately, and Lily inadvertently cut off the blood circulation in his hand. “I’d very much prefer to stay if that’s alright.”
Silence once more, McGonagall’s lips pressed into a thin line. “I’d prefer if he stayed as well.” Lily said, breaking the tension.

“Miss Evans, I need you to be honest with me right now.”

“I’m always honest.” Lily stated, lying through her teeth. McGonagall nodded hesitantly and Lily divulged the whole story, everything.

…

Lily and James were back to pretending they had no relation with Regulus, even though the whole school was now aware that something was happening. Most of the Gryffindors were avoiding Lily and James like the plague, including Sirius and Remus.

“Just ignore it.” Mary continually insisted.

“It’s hard.” Lily whined, “I used to be so popular!”

Marlene laughed, and Lily threw a pillow at her. “You’ve never been popular, Evans, you’re a stick in the mud.”

“I am not!”

Marlene continued to laugh, “Not when you’re with me, but you’re too goody-goody.”

“I drink, I’m not supposed to drink. What more do people want from me?”

Mary snickered, “Maybe to miss an assignment or spend half your time kissing Slughorn’s arse.”

Lily gasped, “I do not kiss Slughorn’s arse!”

“Yes, you do!” Mary and Marlene yelled in unison.

“Do people really think I’m a stick in the mud?” Lily asked, genuinely.

Marlene shrugged, Mary answered, “They did before they saw you eating a death eaters face last Saturday.”

Lily blushed furiously, “Was I that bad? Why did no one stop me?”

“Godric, we were all sloshed except for Potter, and he was enjoying the show.” Marlene was a cackling mess. “It’s not that bad, Lils, everyone will forget in a week.”

Lily faceplanted onto her bed, “You’re both awful. I hate you both.”

“You love us.” Mary teased, “We’re what keep you from being a stick in the mud.”

“I am fun!” Lily groaned, “I am so fun!” Lily hated that everyone always thought she was some nerd that did nothing but read and study. She loved reading, and she enjoyed studying, but she could play quidditch, if she wanted to, she just didn’t want to. She loved gossip, and talking. Lily decided if she was a nerd and a stick in the mud then Remus must be too. This caused great dismay when a second later she realised that Remus Lupin was indeed a nerd and a stick in the mud. “I’m a fucking nerd!” Lily whined.

“You’re allowed to be a nerd, someone has to be!” Mary reminded, “Plus, who else would fix my essays?”

Lily wanted to do something fun. She tried to think of her favorite fun activities. She liked kissing, she liked drinking, both of which she could not do right now. She liked singing, she liked knitting, both of which were utterly dull. She liked reading, she liked chess, she liked studying, all of which further proved the fact that she was a stick in the mud. A stick in the mud with a temper, but a stick in the mud none-the-less.

“We need to do something fun!” Lily complained, “Put on a record or something, let’s dance.”

“Lily, we know you’re not a stick in the mud.” Mary assured, “We’re just teasing.”

“Well no one else knows!” Lily complained, but she looked towards the clock, the clock which showed it was time for prefect rounds. Prefect rounds, where she busted people having fun. Lily sighed, and succumbed to the fact that the world would view her as a boring, goody-two-shoes.

…

Lily and Remus still weren’t quite talking as they did the prefect rounds. They weren’t fighting, but neither quite knew what to say. Everything felt odd and unnatural. Remus clearly thought Lily was dangerous, or at least more dangerous than he previously thought. Lily was scared of herself if she were honest. Afterall, the magic she produced remained unexplained and unknown to anyone but those present.

“Remus?” Lily asked, and Remus hummed in reply. But Lily never asked a question. Instead the tensions remained, looming over them like a reminder of their differences, like a reminder of how much they cared for each other. But they stayed silent, the only sound in the corridor was the clicking of feet on the stone.

Then there was a scream.

A deafening scream, the kind that made you hope against hope that the producer of the sound was still alive. Lily and Remus ran towards it without hesitation. They came to a passage that was darker than it should have been, there were no candles lining the corridor. “Lumos.” Lily cast, illuminating the hall, only to reveal Lily’s greatest fear.

Petunia Evans laid cold on the floor before her. The body without a doubt, lifeless and pale. Lily couldn’t breathe, she fell to her knees. Her sister, her big sister, the only family she had. Lily hadn’t given her sister so much as a thought in so long. How awful she was, Lily was sobbing, a mess. Then the scene changed, it was James’ body. Lily cried harder. Then it was Regulus, and Lily was finally able to understand that none of it was real.

Someone casted a spell, the scene melted away, the bogart had shifted into it’s true form, a black shadowy mass. But Lily didn’t care, she couldn’t stop, she was panicking, she was sobbing. Everything was wrong, she had seen them dead. They were dead, and she had seen it with her own two eyes. It didn’t matter if it was real or not, it felt real, and in that moment, that was more than enough.

Lily passed out on the floor.

Chapter Text

Water, there was water everywhere. Lily felt like she was drowning. It was hard to open her eyes. When she did, Regulus looked back at her. It was hard to see him through the watery blue haze. He was talking to her. She couldn’t hear him, not in the slightest, but she could see the bubbles leave his mouth. He was drowning. Regulus was drowning, Lily swam towards him. She couldn’t reach him, she couldn’t possibly reach him in time. Every move Lily took to get closer, Regulus drifted away. Seaweed wrapped around her limbs, she was being dragged down, deep down into the sand, buried alive, drowning. Lily wasn’t sure she cared about dying, it couldn’t possibly be as sad as not saving Regulus.

Lily felt herself sink through the sand as if she were in an hourglass. She dropped into the familiarly uncomfortable bed. Screaming, yelling, it echoed in her ears in contrast to the muffled whispers of the previous scene. She knew she was at the Dursley’s. She was in the cupboard, the cupboard they forced her in. Lily was cramped, forced into uncomfortable shaped by the ever-shrinking room. Lily had to open the door, she had to leave the room or she would die there. Hesitantly, Lily opened the door with a deafening creak. All eyes snapped towards Lily. Lily looked down, she had expected to see the frilly Easter dress, but she hadn’t expected it to be covered in blood. Lily hadn’t expected to see a knife in her hand. She looked at the Dursley family, they weren’t looking at her, they were looking behind her. Lily turned, she followed their gaze to the disfigured woman who was once her sister. There was more screaming, but now it was Lily screaming. Lily wasn’t just screaming, she was thrashing, crying, praying for her sister to be alive.

The screaming stopped, instead there was silence. Lily knew she was trying to scream still, but she couldn’t get enough breath to make a sound. Lily tried to make noise, tried to make something happen. But instead she was moving around like a ghost. The scene warped, bright lights and flashes, until she was inside the Potter’s Mansion. Mice scampered across the floor, though they were still silent. James. Lily had to find James, she knew he would be there, he had to be. Lily ran, opening, every door, throwing them open. The silence eerie in a house that was typically filled with echoes of laughter, and squeals of joy. Lily couldn’t find him. Then there was a scream, she heard James’ voice shout “Lily! Run!” Lily knew James meant to run away from the noise but she ran towards it. She ran towards it, and she saw James, lying dead on the wooden floor.

…

“Dandelion, wake up.” That was the first thing Lily heard, she knew everything would be alright, because James was there. If James was alright, then Lily would be alright. Her eyes flickered open, she shot up in the bed, “Woah, woah, lay back down. Right now.”

Lily shook her head, “No, I need to go home. I need to go home right now. I need to see Petunia.”

“Lily, breathe.” James instructed, Lily hadn’t realised she wasn’t breathing until she took in air under his instruction.

“Where’s Regulus? I need to see Regulus, where’s Regulus?” Lily didn’t wait for an answer, she was already out of bed.

“Lily, sit back down. I’ll get him, I promise.” James pleaded, Lily was undeterred though.

“No. I need Regulus.” Lily stated, she thought she may have a heart attack. James nearly tackled her back onto the bed in the infirmary. “James!”

“Lily. Lie down. Go to sleep.” There was no room for argument in James’ tone, and she reluctantly sat down, even if it was just because of James’ weight pressed onto her. “I’ll get Regulus in the morning.”

“What time is it?”

“Two in the morning.” James answered, and Lily saw the deep bags under his eyes.

“You should be asleep.” Lily criticized.

James laughed lightly, “I needed to make sure you were okay.”

“Pomfrey never allows visitors this late.”

“Pomfrey doesn’t know I’m here.” James has on his signature smug smile as he said it. “Invisibility cloak.”

“You trouble maker.” Lily shook her head. “Come on, climb in with me.” Lily slid over to only take up half the small cot. James looked at her skeptically. “I can’t fall asleep unless you’re holding me.” Lily admitted, she wanted to slap herself for saying it, especially since James was beaming at her. “Don’t say anything.”

“I think you’re in love with me Evans.” James said, climbing in beside her. “Who would have guessed? Oh wait, I did.”

“Shove off, Potter.” Lily complained.

“If you wish.” James went to leave, Lily grabbed his arm, pulling him back down into the bed beside her.

“Don’t you dare.” Lily mumbled, James leaned down and kissed her.

…

The cry of “Mr. Potter!” was what awoke James and Lily the next morning as they had been caught snuggling by Madam Pomfrey.

“Morning Poppy.” James yawned with a grin.

“This is highly inappropriate. I should write you up!”

“I was just being a pal. You know I mean no harm, Madam Pomfrey. Just checking on my girl!” James was incredibly lucky he was so charming.

Madam Pomfrey tsked at James, but said no more as he gave her space to examine a bashful Lily. “So you’re ‘his girl’ now, is that right Miss Evans?” Madam Pomfrey
teased Lily, making her turn nearly as red as her hair.

“If he keeps it up, I won’t be much longer.” Lily muttered, causing the older woman to laugh. Lily attempted once more to climb out of bed, only for Madam Pomfrey to shoot her a look daring her to move another inch. “I swear that I’m alright, Madam Pomfrey.”

“Miss Evans, you were attacked by a bogart.” Madam Pomfrey sighed, “It is perfectly normal and expected to be shaken.”

“I’m not shaken! I’m completely fine!” Lily groaned, it was a lie of course, Lily was very anxious to see Regulus, to confirm that none of the visions were real. To ensure that he was still here, that he was still breathing.

“Don’t trust her Pomfrey!” James insisted, and Lily would have smacked him if he were in reach.

“I’m fine. I feel fine.” Lily’s face twitching inadvertently did not help her. Lily took a deep breath, “I’ve seen worse, plus we faced bogarts in class, it’s really disappointing that I couldn’t do the bloody spell on my own.” Lily began to ramble, then she felt James’ hand squeeze hers, he was trying to comfort her. Lily was certain she didn’t need the comfort and she tried to pull her hand away. She instantly regretted it as she felt the cold air envelop her hand. She grabbed his hand once more, this time with a need and determination. She needed him, how she hated that she needed him.

…

Lily dragged James to sit outside the Slytherin common room. “Is this what you do? You just wait?” James asked, and Lily nodded.

“Someone will come out, and then they’ll get him.” Lily shrugged, she wasn’t sure it would work, sometimes it didn’t.

The door did open, and there stood none other than Barty Crouch Jr. “Oi, you two bastards? What do you want?”

“Can you just get Reg?” Lily asked, unamused.

Barty laughed, “Look, I know you mudbloods aren’t raised with proper manners, but normally you say please when you ask for something.” Barty had said the word so casually, as if it meant nothing, so casually that Lily wasn’t sure he’d said it at all.

James had heard it though, and his wand was aimed straight at Barty. “You apologize right now.”

Barty threw his hands up, “Aight, okay, golden boy. You gonna curse me? I bet I can do worse.”

Another face appeared in the doorway, much to Barty’s luck. Dorcas grabbed Barty by the ear, dragging him out of James’ line of fire. “If it isn’t Gryffindor’s most insufferable couple.” Dorcas grinned, “What are you two doing here?”

“Looking for-” James began.

“Ah, I’ll get Regulus.” Dorcas didn’t wait for James to finish. Dorcas shut the door for just a moment before opening it with Regulus beside her, a firm grip on the disgruntled fifth year. “He’s been moping about all day, his big boy gang is mad at him.”

“You’re an utter barbarian, Meadowes. There’s no need to man handle me.” Regulus brushed Dorcas off of him.

Dorcas rolled her eyes, “Take the brat.”

“I’m not a brat. I’m a prince, and I expect to be treated as such.” Regulus huffed grumpily, as Dorcas nearly pushed him out, slamming the door behind him. “She’s rude.” Regulus commented as James was nearly incoherent from his fit of laughter. Lily didn’t care, he could be the biggest brat in the world. If it meant that he was here with her, and that he was alive, she didn’t care.

Chapter Text

It was cold out, extremely so. The snow was beginning to fall, Remus always liked the snow, but Lily hated it. She often got herself wrapped around in both their cloaks, she was far too cold and could feel her nose turn red.

“You know, Red?” Remus asked, and Lily hummed in response. “It’s hard to stay mad at you when you almost die.”

“Good. I don’t like it when you’re mad at me.” Lily smiled. “I’m very pleasant to be around.”

Remus sighed, “You have heard the rumors right?”

“What rumors?”

Remus inhaled sharply drawing the breath through gritted teeth. “The bogart, people think Regulus released it.”

Lily shook her head, standing up, “No.”

“Lily!” Remus tried to explain.

“No, Remus. I don’t want to hear it.”

Remus followed her as she tried to leave, “Have you even asked him.”

“I don’t need to ask him. I know him.” Lily insisted, “Regulus wouldn’t do that. Not to me.”

“He hexed you for years.” Remus exclaimed and Lily drew her wand, Remus’ hands shot up in defense. “Put that thing away, we both know you don’t need it.”

Lily rolled her eyes, reluctantly putting her wand back in her pocket, “That was uncalled for.”

“It was a little funny.” Remus snickered at himself, “But I heard it from Rosier.”

Lily paused, “Evan Rosier?”

Remus nodded, “Yeah, he said he was helping Regulus find it.”

Lily shook the idea from her head, “Nope. No. Why were you even talking to Evan?”

“We had detention together. Got to talking.” Remus shrugged. “Nice fellow.”

“You know he’s-”

“A death eater?” Remus questioned, “Doubt it. Think Crouch is. Rosier might join him, if the war gets bad, but Pandora hates Voldemort. So I’m not sure.”

Lily sighed, “Fucking war, I hate it.”

…

Sirius was not as forgiving as Remus, and was about a thousand times more stubborn. Meaning, that Sirius was giving everyone, including James the cold shoulder. The sudden lack of the extremely codependent relationship caused James to be extremely clingy with Lily and Regulus.

Lily just wanted to finish her essay in peace. James, of course, would not allow this, following her to the library and trying his best to be helpful.

“Come on, just a quick kiss won’t kill you.” James was begging for attention like his life depended on it.

Lily rolled her eyes. “James, I’m busy.”

“Well, I’m bored!”

“Go bother Reg.” Lily insisted. “I’m behind, this is due in three days.”

James shrugged, “I haven’t started it.”

“Well maybe you should.” Lily suggested. “It would do you some good.”

“Wanna watch me practice?” James suggested.

“It’s freezing out!”

“I’ll keep you warm.” James winked, Lily threw a book at him, which he luckily dodged in time. “Godric! That one wasn’t even bad!”

“I’m trying to focus?”

James smiled wickedly, “So you find me distracting? Can’t stop thinking about me, Evans?”

Lily blushed brightly, “You’re very lucky you’re so cute. Otherwise I’d throw you to the wolves.”

“Oh, Mooney loves me!”

Lily’s eyes bulged. “You did not say that!”

James laughed at his own joke, “Padfoot would find that joke a riot!”

“You’re still mad then?” Lily confirmed, James nodded.

“Right pissed at each other. He can’t speak to you like that. But you did nearly kill him.”

“He was fine! They healed the wound in time!” Lily reminded, James was willing to laugh about it, seeing that everyone was fine. But Lily was still shaken by the whole ordeal. She had no idea how she had done it, she hadn’t meant to cast a spell.

James crossed the table planting a kiss on her cheek, “Sorry. I won’t bring it up.”

“It’s alright.” Lily sighed.

“He’s fine though, all he got was a scar, and it’s not too bad.” James shrugged it off, as if it was nothing. Lily’s heart sank, she should have known it left a mark. But she had tried to push all images of the scene from her mind.

Lily hated to know what she was capable of. She needed to control her temper which was much harder said than done. “It left a scar?”

“It’s fine, just a small one, on the back of his neck.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Lily was nearly crying at the thought, she felt guilty beyond belief. “Godric! I’m such a girl!” Lily wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her robe, trying to pretend like she was fine. “This is so embarrassing.”

“Lily, you’re not embarrassing!”

“Not to you!” Lily exhausted, “You don’t get it.” Lily stared at the Transfiguration essay. “Fuck.”

“You’re really upset? About the scar?” James asked, he simply didn’t understand and Lily wasn’t quite sure how to explain it.

“I was awful to Sirius!” Lily exclaimed, “I didn’t mean to do any of that!”

James began to play with Lily’s hair in a poor attempt to calm her, “He’ll get over it. He was an arse. Plus now you’ve nearly died too, so should be even.”

“I fainted, just means I need to drink more water.” Lily rolled her eyes, “People are making it a bigger deal than it is.” Lily had yet to mention the horrible recurring nightmares from the incident. She knew James would want her to talk about it, and Lily hated talking about it. Lily hated thinking about the bogarts or her fears, or even worse, the way she nearly killed Sirius Black without even trying.

Despite six years of experience, magic still terrified Lily, possibly even more so as she grew to understand it’s unpredictability. The fact that the bogart could reach into her mind and find the worst things imaginable before Lily could process what was happening. The fact that if she didn’t keep her temper at bay she could kill someone. The idea of ancient magic, that ran through some people’s veins yet remained widely unknown and unexplored, possibly capable of anything. Lily was scared, scared of many things beyond reason. But how could she ever express that, afterall, she was a Gryffindor. She wasn’t supposed to be scared. She ought to be more like James.

Lily wasn’t quite sure how long she had been frozen in thought, staring at the unfinished essay in silence. But it had been long enough for James to notice. “You okay, Dandelion?”

Lily changed the topic, because she was very much not okay.

…

Regulus was adamant that everything was completely fine with the Slytherins and him. This of course, was a lie. Lily and James knew that it was a lie when Regulus showed up to the astronomy tower with a black eye.

“Regulus, no.” Lily sighed seeing it, and immediately going to touch it, trying to fix it even though she had no idea how. “Who did this to you?”

Regulus shrugged, “You should see the other guy.”

“Better be a quidditch injury, Reg.” James’ jaw was set in anger directed to the culprit.

Regulus turned away from them, “Some prat of a seventh year. Didn’t know their place, had to remind them, it’s fine now.”

“Is it because of us?” Lily was the one to ask it.

Regulus sat down on the cold tile, Lily and James followed suit. They waited for Regulus to say something, to confirm or deny the suspicions. “Partially.”

“Partially?”

Regulus mumbled something incoherent, likely in French. Lily and James waited for him to elaborate in something they could understand. “It’s complicated.” Lily was growing to hate that phrase. ‘It’s complicated’ it was always far too complicated. Lily wished that just once someone would say ‘it’s simple’.

“Regulus, please, try to explain?” Lily pleaded, but he just shook his head. Lily wasn’t sure whether he truly wanted them to stay out of it or not.

Regulus crossed his arms closing himself off. “I’m a Black. I can’t be soft and I can’t seem weak.”

James raised an eyebrow, “You did something, what did you do?”

“I can’t say.”

Lily and James had a million questions, but Regulus didn’t answer one of them. Regulus was constantly changing the topic. Lily tried to mind, tried to be mad and question him, but she couldn’t. Regulus and Lily ignored James’ questioning, letting him rant and ramble, enjoying the sound of James’ voice but not taking in a word he said.

If you asked Lily Evans what her favorite place in the world was she would say the Hogwarts Astronomy Tower. Lily, James, and Regulus, laid on the cold tile, looking at the stars. “That’s Regulus’ right there.” Lily pointed out, and James laughed. Lily sighed, “That one’s mine.” Lily chose the same one she always did, the one right beside Regulus. “James, I think you need one.”

James was nearly asleep, he preferred to be in bed long before Lily or Regulus were even tired. “There’s no star named James.”

“You’re my star, named James.” Lily giggled.

“You’re both disgusting.” Regulus pretended to gag, “Sickening how cutesy you are.”

Lily laughed, “Oh, really Reg? You’re going to talk?”

Regulus rolled his eyes, while snuggling into James’ side. “I can say whatever I want, ma bichette.”

“I don’t like it when you speak French.” Lily complained.

“I like it, very much when you speak French.” James placed a kiss to Regulus’ temple.

“I can’t understand it.” Lily rolled her eyes, “It’s not fair.”

Regulus smiled, how Lily loved it when he smiled. “That’s why I do it. Tu es mignonne quand tu conprends pas, ma bichette.”

Lily remembered what Remus had said, that Regulus was behind the bogart attack, but when Regulus was there in front of her, she knew it couldn’t possibly be true. The angelic boy, reminiscent of a porcelain doll, couldn’t possibly do something so vile. Even if he had, Lily couldn’t dare herself to ask him about it, to accuse him of such. Lily wasn’t sure it would change anything, Lily would forgive Regulus, she knew she would. She loved him too much to be bothered by the castle’s swirling rumors.

They laid there for a long while, listening to each other breath. Nothing but smiles and giggles. The purity of young love, the view of the starlit sky, three hearts beating, three bodies pressed to each other. Lily would have frozen the moment in time if she could.

…

“Just talk to him. Sirius will forgive you if you talk to him.” Lily insisted.

“Gee, thanks, Evans. Hadn’t thought of that.” James pouted, and Lily glared at him. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be so sassy. I know that’s your job.”

“James!”

“Sorry,” James huffed, though he sounded like an upset toddler. “I’m going mental Lils. I need him, he’s my brother, he’s my partner in crime.”

Lily gave him a kiss on the cheek, “It’s only been a few days.”

“Four days and eight hours.” James corrected, “Have you ever gone that long without hearing Sirius’ voice? Cause I haven’t!” James was nearly panicked. “You think I should write a song for him? Like an apology song?”

Lily thought the idea was one of the worst James had ever had, but she wanted to be a supportive girlfriend for once, “Maybe, we can keep brainstorming.”

“I’m getting my guitar.”

“Don’t get your guitar.”

“Accio Guitar.” The guitar flew out of James’ dorm and into his hands. Lily was worried her ears would bleed from James workshopping chords and lyrics, but he continued to do so for two hours. “How’s this sound?” James asked before producing the worst noise Lily had ever heard. “You’re my brother from a different mother.”

“James- I think we can try something besides a song.”

James shook his head, “No, I think I should do a song.”

“What about a prank?” Lily proposed, anything to get him away from the guitar. Lily thought she may have to break the guitar if he dared played another note.
James considered the suggestion for a moment, “You think that would work?”

“Not a prank on Sirius, but maybe on the Slytherins?”

James’ eyes lit up like light bulbs and he sprinted out of the common room. “That’s brilliant! You’re a genius, Dandelion!” James gave Lily a kiss on the cheek, before darting away at full speed. Lily had never been so instantly full of regret as she was when James burst out the door.

On the bright side, James and Sirius were laughing together and getting along once again, as if nothing had happened. On the worse side, Regulus was soaked in what Lily was praying was just water. Lily cast a quick drying spell on Regulus, and after Regulus rolled his eyes and expressed how childish he found the whole thing, everything was fine.

Chapter Text

Lily hadn’t expected her sister to write. Lily hadn’t responded to Petunia’s last three letters, which had all detailed Petunia’s anger but insistence that Lily come home for the holidays. Regulus had offered for Petunia to meet an unfortunate demise, and when Lily said that it wasn’t a funny joke, he said that he hadn’t been joking. Lily was furious with Regulus for hours afterwards. James hadn’t said much about Petunia, nor about her letters. James simply didn’t get it, he never truly understood what it meant to have a sibling.

“I have to go to the Dursleys.” Lily stated, it wasn’t a question.

James shook his head, “No, you’re coming to mine.”

“I can’t. I have to see Tunia.” Lily shook her head, but James was having none of it.

“Lily, mum will go mental if I don’t bring you. At least for part of it! Plus, you hate the Dursleys.”

“But I love Petunia.” Lily reminded. “So I have to go. It’s been over a year, I haven’t seen Petunia in over a year.”

“I’m going with you.” James said, he was determined. Lily opened her mouth to protest, “Nope, if you have to go then so do I.”

“James.” Lily reprimanded, trying to get him to realize that he couldn’t. “There’s nowhere for you to stay.”

“Beside you. That’s where I’ll stay.”

“No, James!” Lily felt like she was arguing with a wall. “Get Regulus to stay with you. He can keep you company.”

“That’s not fair! You know I can’t.” James whined.

“James.” Lily’s hand grazed over his cheek. “I love you. I love you so much, but I have to see Petunia.”

“I’m not stopping you!” James insisted, “I just don’t want you to go alone.”

“I’ll be okay.” Lily promised, though she didn’t quite mean it. “There’s no room anyhow.”

“Well where do you sleep?” James asked, and Lily regretted ever bringing up the topic. When Lily got oddly quiet, James repeated the question with a laugh, thinking she hadn’t heard him.

“I sleep in a cupboard under the stairs.” Lily answered and James’ first reaction was to laugh. He thought she was joking.

When Lily didn’t laugh or even smile, James stopped abruptly. “Lily? Are you serious?”

“No, I’m Lily.” Lily cracked the joke, hoping it would relieve the tension, but it didn’t.

“They keep you ina cupboard?” James looked furious.

Lily shrugged, “It’s fine James.”

“It’s not fine!” James was outraged, he was drawing his wand as if the culprits were right in front of him. Lily tried to assure James that she’d be fine alone with the Dursley’s but James would have absolutely none of it. “I’m coming, or you’re not going!”

“Stop it.” Lily insisted, getting angry now. “You’re not in charge of me, James!”

“We’re not arguing about this.” James shrugged. “I’m going if you are.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “You’re mental. I won’t allow it.”

“You’re in danger.”

“So is Regulus.” Lily retorted, “He’s worse off than me. Don’t save me, James, I don’t want you to.”

Perhaps it was the desperation dripping from Lily’s voice, or maybe just James’ desire to do whatever Lily asked of him, but James acquiesced finally. He’d be without for the winter break, they hadn’t slept apart since the Summer. Lily knew she wouldn’t be sleeping that Winter break.

…

The annual Slughorn party was not typically a huge deal or extremely formal affair, that was of course the case for anyone but Regulus Black. Regulus Black, now being seen in public with Lily, insisted that Lily dress to the nines in order to attend the party together. Regulus insisted that Lily had no dresses that were suitable enough, and Lily nearly hexed him after he made her try on three hours worth of frilly clothes in Hogsmeade. Especially when afterwards he insisted on paying for the silky green gown.

Lily and Regulus looked stunning according to James Potter. Of course, they always looked stunning, but even more so in their elegant formal wear, dolled up for Slughorn’s annual holiday party. Lily kept trying to find excuses to fix Regulus’ tie, or run her hand through his perfectly done curls.

Lily and Regulus looked like they could be royalty, stepped directly out of a beautiful novel. James, on the other hand, was in a dirty quidditch jersey and had dirt smeared on his cheek from a nasty hit with a bludger.

“James, are you not coming?” Lily asked with a slight frown as she examined his lack of movement from his spot on the bed. “Don’t you want to?”

“Yes. Course I do.” James answered instantly, he hadn’t even processed what he was agreeing to.

Lily smiled, “Good! Sirius said you can borrow his dress robes. Might be a bit short, but I think they should do fine.” Lily pulled the overtly frilly robes out of the trunk before shoving them into James’ hands. “Put them on.”

“I’m not invited?” James asked, utterly confused.

Lily smiled, “I’m Slughorn’s favorite, he’ll give me a plus one.” Lily was certain that James could walk in and Slughorn would allow it if Lily was with him.

James didn’t dare argue. He got dressed dutifully. Regulus attempted to do James’ hair, but taming James Potter’s curls was an impossible task, even with the most expensive hair products in the world.

“Jamie, sit still.” Regulus urged, James kept squirming, hating the way the products felt on his scalp.

“It’s so sticky, Reg! I don’t get it.”

“We need you to look presentable!” Regulus groaned.

James pouted, “I always look presentable.”

“You look like you came from quidditch practice!”

“I did!” James defended himself.

Lily smiled as she watched them banter. She tried to hide her laughter at their differences in decorum and appearance. James hated formality, almost as much as Lily did. Regulus however, basked in it, Regulus seemed to be far more comfortable in the dress robes that were reminiscent of a Victorian tux.

…

All eyes were on the trio as they stepped into the party. The vast majority of the students in attendance moved from their path as if the Red Sea were parting. The only person to approach them was Pandora.

Pandora looked Regulus dead in the eye and it seemed like they had a telepathic communication of sorts. Lily tried to interpret what was happening but she couldn’t make sense of it. The interaction only lasted a few seconds but seemed like it lasted for hours, as if a world's worth of information were exchanged between them with no words spoken.

Pandora looked to Lily and James and gave a bright smile. “Nice to see everything’s working out!” Lily and James looked at each other for a moment, still unsure what was happening. “Lily, I would like to express my admiration for your persistence.”

“Why, thank you.” Lily smiled.

James clearly felt uncomfortable, and coughed trying to bring attention to himself. Pandora smiled sweetly before leaning into James’ ear and whispering something that made James’ eyes widen in something unmistakable for anything but fear.

Regulus dragged Lily and James away from his friend, especially since James was properly scared and Pandora was struggling not to laugh.

“James, what did she say?” Lily asked curiously.

“She said if I hurt either of you she’ll neuter me.” James chuckled awkwardly, apparently never having interacted with Pandora before. “I’d never hurt you of course! But I’d still like to keep my wanker.”

Lily laughed at this but Regulus was unimpressed by their behavior. “Lighten up Regulus!” Lily urged quietly with a kiss on the cheek. Lily admired the nice shade of pink that grew on his cheeks.

“Miss Evans!” Slughorn cheered as he made his way over to Lily. “I’ve heard you’re taken with the quidditch captain, though I’ll admit I didn’t believe I’d see him tonight.”

Lily laughed, “Can’t leave him alone.”

Slughorn took his time introducing Lily to his latest protégées, James reluctantly trailed behind her like a confused puppy. Regulus went to find Pandora.

It was all fine until James crossed paths with Severus. Lily wished she had thought about this, about James’ inability to control himself. But Lily had let James grow a little too bored, and all of a sudden Severus’ hair turned into a bright red lion's mane. James couldn’t stop laughing at his own antics, despite the lack of approval from his peers. Lily had to hide her own smile at it, but Regulus was utterly furious with both of them.

“James! What were you thinking?” Lily tried to reprimand, but she was struggling not to laugh, because she did find the whole thing slightly amusing.

Regulus rolled his eyes, “You’re both children.”

Chapter Text

Convincing James Potter to let Lily attend the Dursley’s over winter break was a much more difficult task than Lily had expected. However, actually leaving to go to the Dursley’s was far more difficult than Lily had thought it would be. She regretted the trip before it even began. Lily was suspiciously quiet on the Hogwarts Express ride.

“You don’t have to go. You can stay at mine.” James offered for the hundredth time.

“No, I’ll leave you and Sirius to snog in peace.” Lily quipped, most of the full compartment laughed, but James rolled his eyes and Sirius glowered.

“You know, I could have James if I wanted him.” Sirius challenged.

Lily laughed, “Could he James?”

James smirked coyly, “No. But his brother could.” Sirius casted a hex at James, but James was able to dodge it in time. The hex hit Peter, causing him to grow buck teeth. Peter retaliated with an ear-enlargement jinx that missed and hit Remus. Soon the carriage was filled with riccocheting hexes and jinxes. Enough so, that Lily took out he prefect note-pad and wrote everyone detention. She wrote an extra three detentions for Marlene since Marlene’s hex hit Lily square in the eye, causing Lily’s eye for turn a strange shade of yellow.

“Not fair Lily!” Marlene complained, “I’m sorry I hit your eye, you know I didn’t mean to!”

“But you did! I hadn’t even fired! You’re all idiots!” Lily huffed, “You’re lucky I don’t report the lot of you.”

“Don’t be a stick in the mud.” Peter mumbled, but Lily heard it.

“Pete bite your tongue! It’ll be easier now with those teeth on you!” Lily bit, her sour mood only worsening as they drew nearer to King’s Cross. James cackled like he had never heard a joke before, but the laugh sounded more like the noise a horse might make and Lily thought it might have to do with whatever hex caused the large donkey ears on his head. James Potter truly was a charming ass.

…

Petunia was at King’s Cross waiting with Vernon Dursley. Lily wasn’t quite sure how to interact with Petunia. She could feel James’ eyes on her, watching and hoping that Lily would run to his arms, away from her sister. Lily would be lying to say she didn’t consider it. But she couldn’t let James rescue her, there was nothing to be rescued from.

“Petunia, how have you been?” Lily asked, it was too awkward too formal. But Lily hardly recognised the woman in front of her. Petunia once wore second hand clothes and had their mother cut her hair. The Petunia standing in front of Lily was the epitome of upperclass. The handmade friendship bracelets had long been replaced with gold bangles. Lily looked at her own wrist, the friendship bracelet Mary had charmed in their first year still clinging tight, it made her smile. Then she looked back at Petunia, seeing Petunia’s unwavering face, there was no warmth, but no hostility either. A completely neutral slate.

Petunia gave a curt nod, “I’m good, Lily. It’s nice to see you.” Petunia felt entirely robotic.

Lily swallowed, “I’ve missed you, Petunia.”

“If that was true you would have answered my letters.” Petunia’s voice was sharp, rehearsed, but she was hurt. Lily almost felt bad, but she wouldn’t allow herself to. Lily didn’t dignify the statement with a response. “Come on, let’s get going. I’ll forgive you in the spirit of Christmas.”

The entire ride home was filled with awkward silence. Lily couldn’t discuss her schooling as Vernon was in the car. Lily was instead forced to listen to nearly two hours of Barry Manilow. Lily hated Barry Manilow with her entire being.

…

The cupboard under the stairs seemed smaller, but perhaps Lily was just taller than she had been the last time she was in the small room. Lily knew it was entirely a selfish act to long for the gigantic guest room in the Potter’s residence, but she allowed herself to long for it nonetheless.

Lily was sitting in the cupboard just practicing her breathing. Lily’s temper had always been short, but it seemed to be shorter when she was with the Dursley’s. However, Lily’s caution was at an all-time high after the incident with Sirius. Lily had apologized to Sirius several times over, and Sirius had forgiven Lily eventually. But the incident scared Lily beyond belief, and if she could get angry enough to kill once of her best friends, she was extremely nervous as to what that may mean when she interacted with people she hated.

There was a knock on the door of the cupboard and Lily hesitantly opened it. Petunia stood there, nervously. “Can I help you?”

“Lily, we’re sisters.” Petunia exasperated, as if it were news.

“And?”

Petunia crossed her arms, her nose was physically upturned in the air, and Lily wondered if her sister had always been so snobbish. “You’re supposed to talk to me.”

Lily shrugged. “We’re talking now.”

Petunia entered the cupboard, shutting the door behind her. There was hardly enough room for the two girls, they were merely centimeters away from each other. “You’re a brat. You’ve not answered my letters.”

“They’re all yelling at me!”

“Well, only cause you’ve been a brat! I worry about you Lily. Last I heard there’s a terrible war and you could die. I don’t want you there.” Petunia didn’t seem angry. Lily had been ready for a fight or a screaming match. Lily was not in the slightest prepared for Petunia to start crying.

“There’s no war.” Lily lied.

Petunia scoffed, “You think I’m stupid, don’t you?”

“No, Petunia. I don’t think you’re stupid.”

“It’s in muggle papers too. Mysterious deaths, the strange attire in photos of the deceased. They’re wizards, dying at an alarming rate Lily. I know you’re not safe, and I want you home!”

Lily rolled her eyes. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie to me!” Petunia nearly yelled before becoming more conscious of her voice. “I’m not a bloody idiot.”

“I’m safe.” Lily swore, “I’m of age in a month anyhow. There’s nothing you can do.”

Petunia stood there aghast, “I’m not making you do anything. I built a good life here. I did this for you! I did this for us! You can be here with me.”

Lily paused. Lily tried to take a step back, bumping into the wall and the leftover cleaning supplies. “I never asked you to. If you don’t like it here, you can leave.”

Petunia swallowed the lump in her throat, “You can’t die on me. You’re not allowed to die on me, do you understand?”

“Godric! I’m not going to die, Petunia.” Lily understood the fear, possibly better than anyone, afterall, Lily had seen Petunia’s cold dead body everynight when she closed her eyes. “Petunia, I can’t leave my life to join yours. I’d hate it.”

“The boy, who is he?”

“The boy?”

Petunia ran a hand through her hair out of nerves, before trying to smooth down the hair and make it as perfect as it was before she touched it. “That boy, he watches you like a hawk. He looks like he’s sickly, is he hurting you?”

“No. Regulus isn’t hurting me.” Lily assured, “He’s my friend.” Lily didn’t dare speak more on the matter fearing Petunia’s judgement, but she couldn’t avoid the barrage of questions.

“The other one, the glasses. You’re seeing him?”

Lily shrugged, “Petunia, it’s all complicated.” Lily quite honestly felt like none of it was her sister’s business.

“Do you love him?” Petunia dared to ask.

“Yes.” Lily shot back, it felt like a bullet, “I love him, and I’m not going to leave him to join you.”

Petunia sighed as she went to sit on the poor excuse for a mattress. “Okay, then.”

“Okay.” Lily nodded, sitting beside her sister, “Can we stop fighting?”

Petunia leaned her head on her younger sister’s shoulder. “I’d like that. I’ve missed you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t write.”

“I’m sorry that you’re in the cupboard again.” Petunia changed the topic, “I needed you here though.” Lily raised a questioning eyebrow. “Vernon is going to propose, soon at least.”

“Petunia!” Lily gasped in disbelief, she had hoped against hope that this day would never come.

“I saw the ring.” Petunia admitted.

Lily blinked at her sister for a moment, unsure of what to do or say. “Are you pregnant?”

“No!” Petunia nearly shouted. “No, I’m not pregnant.”

Lily could not think of a single other reason why anyone would want to marry Vernon Durely, to be part of the wretched family that treated Lily so horribly. “You’re happy here?” Lily asked, she still couldn’t fathom it.

Petunia gave a hesitant nod. She only faltered for a second, but it was enough that Lily noticed. “I’m happy enough.”

…

Putting up with Marjorie Dursley never got easier. Lily hated the woman with a passion and did her best to avoid her at all costs. However, it was impossible to avoid the woman at Christmas dinner.

Lily had foolishly hoped that in the spirit of the Holiday, she may behave like a rational person. Instead Marjorie Dursley was trying to compete for the title of the world’s most unpleasant person. “Lillian-”

“It’s just Lily.”

Marjorie pretended not to hear the correction. “I’ve heard you’ve been back in the juvenile detention center.”

Lily rolled her eyes, Petunia gave her a pleading glare. Lily acquiesced, “Yes, met my boyfriend there. He’s a murderer, runs a gang.”

“I think we should send you to a convent. Dedicate your worthless life to Christ.” Marjorie proposed.

Lily did her best to bite her tongue. She knew the woman before her was nothing more than a bully. “Perhaps you should. Though I fear the church would burst into flames should it be tainted by my unholiness and my sins.” Lily responded, playing the part that Petunia had so carelessly assigned to her years ago.

“We could beat the sin out of you. I train dogs you know, and I know how to whoop a bitch into submission.”

But Lily’s temper wouldn’t allow her to sit there and take it. Despite her holding her tongue, the power coursing through her wouldn’t allow the behavior to go unchecked. The candles on the table suddenly tilted over, falling down and lighting Marjorie’s dress on fire. Lily tried to hide her smile as the putrid woman scrambled to put the fire out from her dress. Marjorie looked at Lily with nothing but hatred, wanting to slap her, blaming the younger girl for the inexplicable incident. But Marjorie couldn’t make sense of it, there was no shred of proof that Lily had done anything at all.

The over-the-top plate of Christmas cookies was brought out. This would have been fine, except that atop of the platter was a large diamond ring. Lily looked to Vernon and the entire world seemed to move in slow motion as he went down on one knee. Petunia squealed in pure joy. When the ring slipped onto Petunia’s finger, Lily could feel herself becoming uncontrollably angry.

Lily ran out of the room, then out of the house and into the backyard. In the yard stood a brilliant stag. Lily sighed, calming down instantly. “I told you not to come.” There was no answer from the deer, it just looked at her. “James, I know it’s you.” The deer bowed slightly in what Lily assumed was acknowledgement. “James, I can’t talk to you when you’re a deer.” The stag shook it’s head. “You’ve no clothes, do you?” Lily crossed her arms. “You’re an idiot Potter, you know that?”

There was a dog barking, and Lily looked to see it was a large black dog, without a doubt it was Sirius Black. “You brought Padfoot?” Lily asked the stag as Sirius rolled on his back in a plea for attention. Lily would be lying to says he didn’t find Sirius to be utterly adorable as a dog.

“One moment, let me get you both some clothes.” Lily darted back in the house, trying her best not to be seen as she ran to her cupboard. It wasn’t hard to avoid the Dursley’s as they were all celebrating the engagement, seemingly ignorant to the fact that Lily was even missing. Lily grabbed her wand and two towels stashed away in the cupboard before running back out on the lawn.

Lily laid the towels behind a bush. James went to transform first. James was missing his glasses and having trouble seeing in the dark night. He looked around aimlessly for Lily, shaking his head as if that would somehow improve his vision. “James, I’m over here.”

“Lily!” He ran over, towel wrapped around his waist. “You alright?”

Lily laughed, she hugged him, she was glad to see him, that was her first thought. Then she let go and remembered she was extremely mad at him. “James Fleamont Potter! I told you not to come!”

“I missed you.” James smiled cheekily.

Lily shook her head, trying not to smile, “I missed you too.” Lily looked at him for a moment breathing in the fact that he was here. “Godric, you must be freezing.”

“You make me feel all warm and fuzzy.” James planted a kiss on Lily’s nose.

“It’s two degrees.” Lily reminded, “You must be freezing.”

James shrugged, “It’s worth it.”

Lily rolled her eyes at his semantics. “You brought Sirius?”

“He insisted! Thought it’d be dangerous to come here.”

“It is! ‘Specially as a deer.” Lily huffed, “You could’ve been shot.”

“Come home with me?” James asked. Lily shook her head. “Lily, just come back with me, it’ll be so much better.”

Lily sighed, “How’s Reg?”

“He hasn’t written.” James answered, the answer was simple, too abrupt. James was hiding something.

Lily blinked at him for just a moment, it was too cold out, and she could feel the air bite against her skin. “What’s happened, James?”

Sirius answered, suddenly standing before them. “Tell her James, she’ll know in a week.”

James shook his head, he didn’t answer. “Sirius, it’s Christmas.”

“James.” Lily pleaded, “What happened?”

When James didn’t speak, Sirius took it upon himself to answer. “His name is in the paper. Regulus was there during an attack, people think he did it.”

“He’s fifteen.” Lily said, “Regulus wouldn’t kill anyone.”

Sirius shrugged, “He was seen with Bellatrix, she’d make him.”

Lily looked to James for confirmation and a small nod of his head confirmed it all to be true. Lily looked towards the Dursley house, the lights and laughter that she never seemed to understand. Then she looked at her scantily clad friend and boyfriend. “Take me home, James?”

Chapter Text

Lily was welcomed into the Potter residence with open arms. Euphemia and Fleamont were more than happy to have the young girl in their residence once more. Lily instantly felt guilty for abandoning her sister without a word. But if Petunia were to truly be a Dursley then she would be abandoning Lily in a matter of time anyhow.
Lily was staring at the Daily Prophet. Ten Dead. Ten Muggle-Borns Dead. It was a massacre. The victims didn’t even have a chance, it wasn’t a fair fight, it was just a few people casting unforgivables for what seemed like nothing but a laugh to them. It never mentioned Regulus, not by name, but the phrase “The House of Black have been suspected by the ministry of involvement and have declined comment” was pretty damning.

“Lily?” James voice ripped Lily’s eyes away from the newspaper and towards him.

“James, please?” Lily knew the answer before she was even able to fully ask the question. Of course, they couldn’t save Regulus. There was nothing they could do.

“Sirius is-”

James shook his head, “Sirius is safe. Sirius is my brother.”

“I love Regulus-”

“Like I don’t?” James asked offended at the suggestion of otherwise. “But he can make his own decisions. He wants to stay there.” Lily gave James the silent treatment, not dignifying him with a response, even though she knew he was likely correct. “Lily?” She still wouldn’t answer him, she wasn’t angry, not more than usual, and not at James. But she found herself unable to form what she wanted to say. “I’m sorry.”

“I just want him to be safe. I want to be safe. I want the war to be over.” Lily sighed, moving to sit closer to James on the plush couch. James wrapped his arm around her. “Can we try, can we please try?”

James planted a kiss to Lily’s forehead, and Lily knew his answer. He tried to distract Lily with kisses whenever he was going to provide an answer she wouldn’t like. It was a poor attempt to soften the blow. “Ma’s glad you’re here. She’s happy to have another girl in the house again.”

“It’s much better than the Dursley’s.” Lily smiled softly. “My sister’s marrying the bloke.”

James raised an eyebrow, before shrugging “She could do better than that.”

“I think so!” Lily began a longwinded tangent on her hatred for her sister’s new fiance and his vile family. Lily regailed the tale from Christmas and James couldn’t stop himself from laughing at every witty response Lily provided. James’ attempt to distract Lily had worked flawlessly as she was fully engaged in her story telling. James was more than happy to let Lily rant and ramble.

James smiled, as Lily finished the story. “That’s when I knew I loved you.” James beamed at her and Lily raised an eyebrow. “We were eleven, you told me about Petunia. It was the first time you talked to me without a hint of sarcasm.”

Lily laughed, “In my defense, you were a right arse at eleven.”

“You were a little snob!” James teased, “But I loved you anyway. You were a nerdy snob, and Regulus was utterly rude to me. I sure know how to pick them.”

Lily shoved him lightly, “You’re still an arse at sixteen.”

“And proud of it.” James laughed his signature laugh that was a tad bit dramatic and forced but entirely charming. Lily tackled him and soon the two were rolling on the floor in a fit of giggles.

…

Lily and James had expected not to see Regulus throughout the winter break. There was no reason to expect him, so when on December 27th, 1976 Regulus tumbled out of the fireplace no one was quite sure what to do.

James was the first one to hear the ruckus in the middle of the night and rush down to investigate. Lily was trailing not far behind him. Regulus stood there in the living room, he was shaking. James had his wand poised, waiting for something to happen.

Lily’s first instinct was to wrap Regulus in her arms, but he pushed her off of him. “Regulus, what happened?” Lily asked, the room slowly filling with the rest of the household.

There was silence, a long silence. The only sound was Regulus’ hitching breath. Everyone else seemed to be holding their own breath, scared of breathing in the tension.

Regulus sucked in a deep breath, “I’m here to kill Sirius.” His whole being was shaken, frail. Sirius started laughing but it was clear to everyone that Regulus was not joking.

Sirius found the entire thing amusing apparently, despite the absolute appalling idea. “Tell dear old mumsey that you did, she’ll never know the difference.”

“The spells.” Regulus answered. No one else was quite sure what he meant, but it clicked for Sirius as his laughter stopped abruptly. “They’ll want to see it.”

“Shit.” Sirius mumbled.

Regulus nodded awkwardly, “I’m not going to kill you, if I can help it.”

Mrs. Potter was outraged at the entire scene. “No one is dying here tonight. Not on my watch.”

Regulus paid no mind to the older woman. Regulus looked Lily in the eyes, then James, before finally resting his eyes on Sirius. Regulus took a deep breath, drawing his wand, preparing. There was a sharp crack and for a moment Lily closed her eyes in fear. But then Lily saw Regulus, standing there, Sirius standing opposite him. Regulus held two halves of the once magical object in his hands. He snapped his own wand in two.

“Now I can’t hurt anyone.” Regulus breathed. All eyes were on the pale, panting boy.

Sirius shook his head, horror etched on his face, “You’re fucking stupid Reg!” Sirius yelled, more shocked than anything. “That was fucking idiotic! You can’t go back now.”

Regulus sighed, a heavy sigh that seemed to exacerbate the tension in the room instead of releasing it. There was silence again as no one but the two brothers truly knew what was happening.

It was SIrius who spoke after mere seconds that felt like hours, “You’re dead, Regulus. You’ll be dead by the morning if they hear.”

Regulus shrugged, “They’ll have no heir. Maybe it will finally be over.”

“Someone explain what’s happening right now.” Lily demanded. But was met with nothing.

“I was dead anyway.” Regulus answered Sirius, not paying attention to anyone else in the room. “The second they asked me to kill you I was dead.”

Sirius was crying. There was nothing but the sound of heavy breath and slow falling tears as the slight smell of saltwater tainted the air. “They’ll read my memories," Regulus explained, “the second I go home, they’ll know everything.”

That caused an uproar to break through the silence, and one thing was utterly certain. Regulus Black would not be returning home, certainly not that night. There was nothing but yelling, nothing but a swarm of madness. Lily couldn’t understand a single part of it, she was still overwhelmed by all of it, but she knew Regulus couldn’t leave her sight. She didn’t allow it.

Regulus stayed in the house the following day, as everyone began brainstorming ideas on what to do, how to keep him safe.

“We could always obli-” Sirius began to suggest. But one look from James changed his mind.

“What?” Lily asked, unsure what the suggestion would have been.

“Obliviate.” Sirius suggested meekly. “It’d be the safest option. Modify the memories.”

“We’re not doing it.” James said, he was stern. “We’re not messing with his head.”

Regulus shrugged, flipping through a book but hardly looking at the pages, “Sirius is right, it’s the only certain option.”

Lily blinked, “So you’d forget last night?”

“I’d forget everything. Everything about you and James.” Regulus tried to be calm but Lily could hear the strain in his voice, the kind that choked back sobs.

“We’re not doing it.” James held firm in the stance. “We can’t do it. You’re here, you’re safe.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, “It’s a matter of time, James. They’ll probably come looking for me by morning.”

“They’ll kill you.” James insisted.

“Not if you do the damn charm!” Regulus yelled back at him.

Lily flipped through books frantically, finding the spell, “A small one.” They all looked towards her. “James, you’re dad’s an auror, he can do the charm. A small one, just enough to forget last night.”

They looked towards James, who nodded slightly. “You won’t forget us?” James looked Regulus dead in the eye. “Regulus, you have to promise me.”

“I promise.” Regulus agreed, and the plan was set in motion.

Chapter Text

Lily and James didn’t see Regulus again until they were boarding the Hogwarts Express back to school. While it was indeed a relief to know that he was alive, they were completely horrified by the new bruises and scars evident on his body. The Black family was hardly so careless with their abuse, they almost never left marks, not in visible areas. So while their idea had indeed kept Regulus alive, it appeared to be at an undeniable cost. The large purple bruise on his cheek was evident to anyone who so much as glanced his way, so to Lily it was a bullseye and a message. There was no doubt in Lily’s mind that the message was meant for the Potter’s, the simple fact that they couldn’t save the younger Black.

“Regulus?” Lily had said his name like she wasn’t quite sure of the sight before her. Regulus didn’t hear her, or he didn’t process his own name. James grabbed Lily’s arm, pulling her onto the train before she could get a better glance at him. “James, what are you-”

Something was very wrong, Lily could tell by the look in James’ eyes. “Something’s wrong with Regulus.”

“Well, of course. He’s hurt.” Lily was confused, not quite sure what James was trying to say.

“Think there’s some spell on him.” James mumbled. “I think we should let him approach us.”

Lily stared at the compartment door, hoping that somehow Regulus would know she needed him here. After the incident over the Holidays, shouldn’t he know that they needed to talk? But then, Lily recalled that Regulus had no idea about any of it. Regulus had no memory of how he had made Lily worry for the past week.
Lily sat down to read her book, she had nothing else to do, and she didn’t feel like talking despite James’ eagerness to.

…

Lily had been hiding out in her dorm. She’d hardly left in the past few days. She refused to admit that she was scared, but she was. There had been a surge of attacks on muggle-borns again. Three of the students had to be sent home because their injuries, and Lily and Mary more or less stayed inside their room.

“Marlene, I need to borrow the red jacket.” Mary said, not quite asking for permission.
Marlene shook her head, “Lily borrowed it.”

“Did not, I think it’s ugly.” Lily flipped through her Charms textbook mindlessly.

Mary gasped, “You’ve no taste!”

“Maybe.” Lily agreed. “But I have the red dress, not the jacket.”

Marlene sighed, “It’s got to be somewhere!” Marlene began throwing things over her, already messy, side of the room.

“Who are you seeing anyhow?” Lily asked.

“Emmeline.” Mary said with a sigh. “I think I love her.”

Lily tried not to laugh or say something extremely snarky, “I think you could find better.”

“Lily!” Mary gasped.

“She’s horrid to you and Pete.” Lily added, eliciting another outraged gasp.

Mary crossed her arms, “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Evans.”

“I think I do.”

Mary scoffed, “Please, like you’re any better with your pure blood boyfriends, Black sent that boy to the hospital.”

“We don’t know that it was Regulus. It could have been anyone.”

Mary rolled her eyes, “Anyone with a brain knows it was Regulus. You’re dating a death eater.”

Marlene had to get between the two girls. “Cool it! You’ve both got awful taste in partners, now can we move on?” All three of them were squabbling over their respective partners.

…

Lily had not seen Regulus in days. She was doing her prefect rounds with Remus. Lily’s wand clutched in her hand. She had hardly gotten through a round lately without someone trying to hex her.

“Lily?” She turned instantly to face the voice. Regulus Black stood before her and Remus. “I need to talk to you.” Lily looked to Remus, who found some reason to excuse himself.

Lily’s face twisted as she tried to read Regulus’ expression. He had no visible emotion. “Are you okay?”

Regulus gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head. Regulus couldn’t quite speak, not what he wanted to say. Lily recognized it instantly, there was a spell, a curse, Lily wasn’t sure but something was wrong.

“Regulus?” Lily said his name like a prayer, like it would somehow make everything better. “Regulus, what’s wrong?”

Regulus struggled for a moment, moved at a very slow pace with great difficulty as he raised his wand. He pointed it straight towards Lily. Then he spoke, in a voice that Lily entirely didn’t recognize, “Stay away, mudblood.” Lily hardly had time to process before Regulus muttered “Crucio.”

Lily thought she had died at that moment. The flash of light hurt her eyes, but nothing could compare to the feeling of every limb being torn apart and forcibly put back together all at once. There was an echoing shriek and Lily wasn’t quite sure whether it was her or whether it was someone watching the no doubt horrifying scene. Every inch of her skin was tight with fire. She begged for death, she begged for mercy. She was all too aware of every muscle, every part of her body. Yet she couldn’t understand a thing around her. She just felt the blinding pain, and she thought she might have done anything to make it stop.

When Lily was coherent enough to take in her surroundings she was in Remus Lupin’s arms being rushed to the hospital wing. Lily could hardly breathe, but she was certain that she was sobbing unrelentingly. Her sobs would continue long into the night, and Lily wasn’t sure what hurt more, the curse or the betrayal.

…

Lily hadn’t left her room in days. She refused to see anyone but Remus, Marlene, and Mary. James was knocking on the door to the girl’s dorm room. “Evans! Let me in!”

Lily yelled back, “Leave me alone, James!”

“You haven’t come out in three days!” James countered, but Lily wasn’t quite sure what that had to do with anything. “I need to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” Lily called back, still not answering the door.

“If that were true, you’d let me in.” James pleaded with her.

Lily didn’t respond, she didn’t even move from her bed. Everything still hurt, she wasn’t sure if the pain was in her head or not. Perhaps her emotions had gotten the best of her, but Lily had no desire to do anything but lay in the dark room and cry. Lily had never skipped class before, but she refused to go anywhere. Everything was different, and it was all wrong. Lily would do anything to rid herself of the phantom pain, anything to get the word to stop echoing in her ear, ‘mudblood’.

The bruises on her skin pulled at her memories in painful reminders each time she moved. Sirius had said that the aftermath was worse than the curse itself, and Lily was inclined to agree. Each time she moved it hurt, when she stayed still, it hurt. When she thought of Regulus, all she felt was a dull ache where there used to be nothing but love and admiration. The worst part of the entire thing was that Lily couldn’t bring herself to blame Regulus. She couldn’t let herself believe that Regulus had done it.

The boy, the beautiful boy like a porcelain doll, had shattered Lily’s head and heart beyond repair. She wished she had never met him. She wished he was there to hold her hand. Every thought was of Regulus, and when she thought of Regulus she heard the words again, and she felt the pain. Worst of all, Lily still loved him, and it’s possible that loving Regulus hurt more than the curse ever could.

Chapter Text

“Lily, please talk to me.” James’ constant pleading had become background noise. It was never-ending and Lily wondered if he was also missing class. She had attempted to feign an illness, but considering recent events, not one of her teachers had believed it. “Lily!”

It was days before Lily opened the door to him. Her face cold, emotionless. She was angry, she had moved past the hurt towards Regulus, and towards anger at James. Lily knew she was dangerous when her emotions were so out of control, but she could no longer take the pounding on her door.

James breathed a sigh of relief when the door opened and it wasn’t Marlene for once. “Lily, thank goodness. I’ve been worried sick.”

“I don’t want to talk to you, James.” The words were said carelessly, she didn’t care if she hurt him in that moment.

“I know you’re upset-”

“No. You don’t. You keep pretending to know me, but you don’t.” Lily’s words bit with every syllable. James’ face showed emotion like a badge of honor, Lily couldn’t look at him. “Stop it.” Lily insisted, “Stop looking at me like that.”

“You’re mad at me.” James stated, it was a fact, Lily knew that, she was mad as could be at James Potter. But the way he said it made Lily want to forgive him.

“I could’ve saved him.” Lily argued, she wanted James to yell at her. If this were two years ago, James and Lily would have screamed at each other, and that would be endlessly better than Lily’s guilt for being angry at the world’s sweetest boyfriend. Lily had to remained focused, though it was hard to stay mad at him, especially when James looked like a wounded animal. She had to think of Regulus, “We could’ve saved him and none of this would’ve happened. But you didn’t let me.”

James nodded, “I know you feel that way-”

“Stop it!” Lily yelled at him, “You don’t know how I feel! Yell at me, scream at me, that’s what you’re supposed to do!” Lily was nearly crying in upset.

James’ voiced remained calm, “Lily, I don’t want to fight.”

“Well I do!” Lily was shouting, she was shouting because she knew James would let her, she knew James would forgive her after the fact.

James was hesitant before he raised his voice to match Lily, letting his temper fly out. “You want me to yell? Fine!” His eyes were trained on Lily’s, in case he took it to far, but Lily meant it when she said she wanted to fight. “You’re being childish! We couldn’t save him and you know it. You know it’s not fair to take this out on me, and you know I’m as hurt as you are! But I’m taking your side here Lily, because I love you. I love him too, but you need me right now and you won’t fucking let me in.” James breathed for a moment. “You asked me to fight. Now you’ve got nothing to say?”

“You never tried. We could have at least tried to help him.” Lily looked towards the floor, guiltily. Her voice quieter, but calmer. “I think we lost him.”

James sighed, matching her tone once more, “Do you want him back?”

Lily wasn’t sure how to answer. He’d hurt her. Regulus had done something that was by definition entirely unforgivable. But Lily wanted to forgive Regulus more than anything. He had broken every rule and boundary, he’d broken the law. Lily knew it wasn’t Regulus, not the Regulus that she knew. The boy that cursed her couldn’t possibly be the one that had cried in her arms time and time again.

“James.” Lily whispered, she didn’t know what else to say. She felt better, now that everything was out in the open. She was still mad. She could still feel the magic flowing through every muscle when she thought of the curse. But right now, she only saw James. She pushed every other thought from her mind. Lily finally cried, her voice breaking as she asked, “James, can you hold me?”

Lily had never felt so vulnerable. She had never needed someone so desperately and not realised it. James was safety, James was warm, and James was there. Lily thought he might always be there, and for that she was grateful. They laid on Lily’s bed, bodies pressed to each other. James mindlessly traced the bruises on her skin, and each touch caused sparks of electricity, as if his very presence was healing them.

Lily knew that sooner or later her and James would have to once again face reality, and deal with her problems. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it anytime soon. “James?” James hummed in recognition, he had been half asleep again. “I want to live with you.”

Lily could feel James smile, even though his face was pressed into Lily’s shoulder. “You’re more than welcome to.”

Lily sighed, “Petunia’s getting married.”

James hummed once more in acknowledgement, not quite understanding what Lily was hinting towards.

“Would you ever want that?” Lily asked.

James grumbled, “I don’t have any fancy for your sister.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “No, not my sister. Just marriage.”

“This is one lackluster proposal.” James chuckled.

“I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m just wondering, if you would want to. When we’re much older.”

“If you want to, then sure.” James shrugged.

“I’m asking what you want.” Lily insisted. “You always do what I want.”

“Cause I love you. Want you to be happy.” James wrapped an arm around Lily, drawing her closer.

“I want to do what you want for once.” Lily swore, “I love you, James.”

She felt James smile, everytime she said it, James smiled. It had been half a year, and he still smiled brighter than the sun at the idea of Lily loving him. “I’ve always said I would marry you, Evans. I meant it.” He placed a kiss on her neck.

…

Mary and Marlene were never as quiet as they thought they were. “What the fuck is James doing here again?” Marlene asked.

“I don’t think he’s left.”

“It’s been four days!” Marlene groaned, “We’re gonna lose quidditch if he doesn’t get his act together.”

Lily had expected it to be early morning when she threw open the curtains to confront her friends, but instead, it was the middle of the night. “What are you two doing so late?”

Mary was giggling like mad, and Lily knew at that moment, that her idiot friends had gotten drunk on a Tuesday night. “You two! Are you drunk?”

“Noooo.” Mary giggled elongating the word in a way that instantly gave her away.

“Dorcas and I broke up again, we had to self medicate!” Marlene informed.

“Oh, Marlene.” Lily began, but was cut off.

“It’s alright, we got back together!” Marlene assured, having broken her previous record for world’s shortest break-up.

“You two know better, you’ll be wrecks in the morning.”

“Blame Remus! He gave us the stuff.” Marlene was slurring her words, she was always far more talkative with a few drinks in her.

Lily sighed, getting up from her bed, James was whining in his sleep when she untangled herself from him.

Mary was completely adamant that she was fine and not drunk at all. Contrary to this assurance, she was stumbling all over the room. Lily struggled to convince Mary that it was time to sleep. It was like fighting with a stubborn toddler. Marlene was the exact opposite, within ten minutes Marlene had fallen asleep on the floor. Lily debated leaving her friend there, before sighing and waking Marlene up to put in pajamas and get to bed.

By the time Lily went back to sleep it was four in the morning. James woke up two hours later. “Lily, time to wake up.” James whispered.

“If you make me get up right now, I will do something unforgivable.” Lily mumbled snuggling back into him.

“Dandelion, I have to get up.” James insisted, “Got quidditch practice.”

“Fuck quidditch.”

James chuckled, before turning serious “I don’t want to leave you alone. I think you should come with me.”

“I can be alone James. I’m fine.” Lily assured, eyes still closed.

“Lily, please?” James asked.

Lily groaned, very reluctantly sitting up, “You skipped practice yesterday for me!”

“Which is why I have to go today.”

“I’m tired, quidditch is stupid, let’s just stay here.” Lily tried to persuade him, but it was no use.

James placed a kiss to her forehead and Lily knew she had lost the battle. “It’s Monday, we’ve got class.”

“I hate it when you’re like this.” Lily rolled her eyes, “You’re less fun when you’re responsible.”

“You wanted me to be responsible!” James argued playfully, “Can’t have it both ways.”

Lily going about her day with less than three hours of sleep, was a perfect and prime opportunity for her temper to be abnormally short, even for Lily Evans. It was abundantly obvious the foul mood that Lily was in as she emerged from her dormitory for the first time in days. The underclassmen avoided the prefect like she had some transmittable disease.

The professors pretended Lily had never been missing, her work remained on time and impeccable. Slowly things returned to normal. Slowly, but surely, Lily was beginning to move on and despite the dull pain in the back of her mind, she felt more or less like herself again. At least, until her 17th birthday, when Regulus had to ruin everything once more.

Chapter Text

On January 30th, 1977, Lily Evans turned seventeen years old. This was not of great consequence to the vast majority of the wizarding world, and most of Hogwarts would have thought of Lily’s birthday as mundane. However, James Potter promised that he had planned something extravagant, and James never broke a promise.

“James, I don’t need anything.” Lily had sworn when he had insisted that she be blindfolded. “I’d just like to have a calm breakfast.”

“No can do! It’s a special day for my special lady. Now blindfold on!” James shoved the black piece of cloth into Lily’s hands. She stared at it skeptically. “Come on, don’t you trust me?”

Lily scoffed, “You really want me to answer that?”

“You don’t trust me?” James asked, feigning hurt.

Lily rolled her eyes, “Give me the damn blindfold.” Lily put the cloth over her eyes and James tied it delicately around her head. He grabbed her hand. James was a bit too eager as he pulled Lily around the castle. “James! Slow down, I’m going to trip!”

“I’ll catch you, don’t worry.” James assured. Lily wasn’t sure where he was taking her, she didn’t recognize the path.

James stopped abruptly and Lily bumped into him. “James!” She groaned. As promised, James did catch her, but it was much rougher than he suggested. While, James’ reflexes were extremely fast, apparently being gentle was not his first reaction.

James took the blindfold off of Lily. Lily didn’t recognize the room. It was some sort of greenhouse or garden. The room was covered floor to ceiling in wildflowers, it was the sort of image out of a fairytale book. “James, did you do this?” Lily awed.

“It was a group effort.” James blushed.

Lily smiled brightly, wide enough to rival Potter’s. “Don’t be modest, it doesn’t suit you.”

James laughed, “Yes, it was all me. You like it?”

“I love it.” Lily kissed him.

“Ew.” Marlene’s voice suddenly sounded, as Marlene popped up behind one of the bushes.

There was a groan that unmistakably belonged to Mary, “You’ve ruined the surprise, McKinnon!”

“Someone had to stop the PDA! They were practically fornicating!” Marlene complained.

“Fucks sake Marls!” James argued, “We’ve all seen you and Dorcas.”

“Whatever, Potter.” Marlene rolled her eyes, “Happy birthday, Lily.”

“That’s from me and Mars.” Mary chimed in, eager to be included.

The rest of the group began to slowly emerge from hiding, seeing as the surprise was utterly ruined. Lily was one by one greeted with a wish of a happy birthday and an impeccably wrapped present. Lily knew that the gifts were all funded by the Potter family, she recognised Mrs. Potter’s handwriting on all the tags. Though, for James’ benefit, she pretended not to notice. She was still touched by the gesture none-the-less.

…

The birthday party was later that night. Despite Lily’s insistence that everyone had done more than enough for her birthday, the usual chants and cheers were abundant everywhere she went. “What kind of boyfriend would I be, if I didn’t make sure everyone knew it’s your special day?” James had exclaimed, much to Lily’s bemusement.

The party was great fun, Lily wasn’t sure she had seen so many bottles of firewhiskey in her entire life. There was enough to stock the entirety of Gryffindor house for the next year. Lily had a bit too much to drink, but in Lily’s defense, it was her birthday and James was supposed to be watching her.

Lily had thought it was a hallucination at first when she saw him. She thought she might have been dreaming. Or perhaps she had drunk herself to the point where she had lost her mind entirely. But Lily wasn’t imagining it, Regulus Black, regal as ever, stood before her.

If asked how Lily felt about Regulus, she would no longer be able to answer. She hadn’t seen him in weeks. She was mad, she was extremely mad at him, but she wanted him like he was a drug. Lily craved him in a way she craved no one else. Yet, despite the constant tugging of her heart strings, the constant echo remained in her mind.

‘Mudblood.’

He had never called her that before that night. He had never thought so lowly of her. The one word had confirmed every worst fear, every worst suspicion that Lily had. Regulus hadn’t even made his way over to Lily before Lily was pushing past the crowd to get away from him.

James was confused as he followed his stumbling girlfriend, “Lils, what are you doing?”

Lily ran to James’ dorm, then to his bathroom, before puking into the toilet, hurling her guts out.

James held her hair back, “Godric, Evans. Let’s get you to bed.” He mumbled.

“I’m fine.” Lily insisted, heaving, her mouth tasting like stomach acid and more firewhiskey. “I’m fine, Jamie.” James tensed at the nickname, Lily didn’t notice.

“Let’s get you to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

“No.” Lily whined, “He’s down there.”

James shook his head, either not understanding, or not believing Lily in her current state, “Please Lily, it’s late, you’re drunk.” Lily was crying now, a complete inconsolable mess. James couldn’t understand Lily through her sobs, her desperate confusion between whether she wanted to see Regulus or hide away forever.

Lily didn’t have to make that decision herself though. It was made for her as a knock sounded on the door of the dorm room. Lily stayed on the bathroom floor as James went to check it out. There was a moment of hushed argument, though she knew who it was at the door. Lily couldn’t bring herself to look at him. Not even when he said her name like desperate prayer. “Lily, please.” The name sounded like honey on his tongue. Lily knew that Regulus was a siren, and Lily was his sailor. Each hauntingly beautiful call from him, only brought her that much closer to doom.

Lily recognised the voice though, it was Regulus, unadulterated, and uninhibited. If he had been under some spell before, he wasn’t anymore. If Regulus had come to kill her, to curse her again, he would have done it by now, when her back was turned. But Lily remained upright. Regulus remained calm and still. James shallow breathing was the loudest sound in the room.

The quiet tension lingered between the three. There was a fear, and a strong distrust. Lily had the sensation of magic pulling at her skin, goosebumps arising along her arms. Lily didn’t dare move a muscle, she was scared she’d lash out cause an aciident like she had with Sirius. Or worse. Lily was scared that she would run to Regulus, Lily was scared she might forgive him.

The clicking of clean dress shoes against the wooden floor was audible. The soft setting down of a box, and the gentle crinkling of newspaper. The turning of the door handle and Regulus left the room once more.

Lily looked back the second she heard the door close, she drew a deep breath, grateful he couldn’t see her in this vulnerable state. Her breath was shaky, heaving, desperate. Lily sobbed. James rushed over, holding her. James didn’t look at Lily though, he looked at the door. Lily looked at the door, then at the poorly wrapped gift covered in newspaper.

Lily wished she could understand the mind of Regulus Black. Lily wished she had never been so foolish as to fall in love with Regulus Black.

Chapter Text

The present stared at Lily, she didn’t want to open the gift from Regulus because that would be the same as forgiving him. In the same vain, Lily couldn’t throw the gift away, partially because it was rude, and partially because that would mean she didn’t forgive Regulus. Lily couldn’t make a choice, and so the poorly wrapped present stared at her from it’s spot on the nightstand.

“You’ve got to open it.” Marlene had insisted, “Or at least stop staring at it, you’ve done nothing but look at it for days.”

Lily opened her mouth to disagree, but she closed it once more when she realised that Marlene was right. Afterall, Lily was an adult now, she should know how to deal with a simple decision.

Lily grabbed her school bag with a grumble of annoyance.

“You’re that pissy?” Marlene asked.

Lily gawked at her, “Am not pissy!”

Marlene crossed her arms, “Come off it. You’ve been in a foul mood for a month.”

“Well what do you expect?”

Marlene shrugged, “That you might come off it by now.”

“I was cursed, Mars!” Lily reprimanded with harsh diction.

“I know!” Marlene defended, “But it’s been a month.”

Lily stared at her friend in disbelief, “Fuck you, Marlene.”

“Godric, what’s up your ass?”

“My ass?” Lily asked. “My boyfriend cursed me! Unforgivable cursed me, and I want to fucking forgive him!”

Marlene yelled back, “Then forgive him!”

“I can’t!” Lily breathed, “I want to, but I can’t.” Lily didn’t wait for a response and slammed the door behind her as she left the dorm.

…

Remus had been spotted in the library, and Lily ran over to him, wrapping her arms around him in a hug as if she hadn’t seen him in weeks, even though she had seen him the day prior.

“Remus!” Lily groaned.

“If this is about the Black brothers, I don’t want to hear it.” Remus gruffed, lightly shoving Lily off of him.

“Trouble in paradise?” Lily asked as her curiosity piqued.

“Sirius wants to go home this summer.” Remus sighed.

Lily was more confused than anything, “Sirius will die.”

Remus nodded, “He won’t do it. Sirius is all talk.”

“Why does he want to go there?”

Remus shrugged, “He talked to Reg last night. Their dad is dying.”

“Good riddance.” Lily mumbled, before remembering her own father. How she felt when he passed, “Oh, shit.”

“It’s complicated, and if Sirius doesn’t go-”

“Regulus will be the heir.” Lily caught on. “Fuck. Regulus is fucked.”

Remus nodded, “It’s not going to be pretty.” That was the understatement of the year. The Black family was a tornado of emotions, it was the messiest family dynamic ever heard of.

“I can’t even look at him, Remus.” Lily sighed, resting her head on his shoulder.

“So you’re done then?”

“No.” Lily shook her head. “I love him.”

Remus shrugged, “You have to make a choice.”

Lily laid her head on the table. “Don’t tell me that.”

“Someone has to.” Remus was right. Marlene was right. Everyone was right. But just because something was right doesn’t make it any easier.

Every time Lily thought about Regulus she couldn’t shake the whirlwind of emotions stirring inside her. But the desire crushed everything else. The need for him was evident, despite the shudders of pain that echoed at his thought, the memory refusing to leave.

Lily and Remus hid away from everyone that night, sitting in their usual corner of the library. Occasionally an underclassmen would ask Lily for help with Potions or Remus for help with Defense.

…

The gift continued to taunt Lily, even when she didn’t look at it. It wormed her way into her thoughts with every passing second.

Lily had started to imagine an ideal, but all too impossible scenario: that whatever was sitting there, wrapped in newspaper, would somehow make everything okay. She had confided this in James, who gave a loving smile and made no comment, he never did comment, when he knew that she had false hope.

Lily might have never opened the present. In fact, she had almost decided not to, to just leave it there. She might have lived her entire life unaware of what it was, except that Marlene had gotten sick of the grumbling and moaning about how Lily couldn’t make up her mind.

“I can’t take it anymore, Evans! Since you and Black got into the bloody fight it’s all I hear about.”

“It wasn’t a fight. It was a death blow!” Lily defended, “It’s a big deal.”

“I know it bloody is, but if you don’t open the bloody thing and move on, then I will. You can’t live your life not knowing, it’s driving you mental, which is driving me mental!” Marlene argued.

Lily was inclined to call Marlene’s bluff, but Marlene was not bluffing. There was silence for a moment, then the crinkling of the newspaper as it unwrapped.

Lily stared at the copy of Pride and Prejudice, she wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

“So what is it?” Marlene asked, unsure what to make of it.

Lily shrugged, “It’s a book.” She wasn’t sure there was much else to say about it, and admittedly, she was disappointed.

Lily carefully opened the book, and sat there in flawless cursive was a note:

Lily,
My affections and wishes have not changed: I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.
Yours,
R.A.B.

Lily did not mind that the words were not his own, she closed the book. She ran through the castle. In a long overdue rush of longing, she was running through the castle corridors before she could even consider what she was doing.

Then she stopped for a second, and she remembered everything, she slumped down to the floor and just stayed there, there was nowhere for her to go. She breathed heavily as she struggled to get her thoughts together.

“Lily?” A soft voice spoke, and Lily looked up to meet Pandora’s face. “What’s happened?”

Lily shrugged, “Nothing.”

Pandora sat down beside Lily, “I warned you not to break his heart, you know.”

Lily glared at her. “He broke mine first.”

“Talk to him.” Pandora encouraged, “He’s got a lot to say to you.”

Lily sighed, leaning on the wall, “Would you forgive him?” Lily asked, turning to look Pandora in the eyes, “Honestly, would you?”

“Probably not.” Pandora admitted, “But you’re nicer than I am.”

“Will you tell him to meet me?” Lily pleaded. “Just this once.”

“We’re playing with fire.” Pandora shrugged, “Might as well set the whole castle ablaze now.”

…

The astronomy tower didn’t seem as enchanting as it once had. Not when Lily stood there alone, waiting. The whole room felt cold and Lily couldn’t tell whether the chill air or nerves were the cause of goosebumps on her skin.

The door creaked open slowly. The clicking of the neat dress shoes against the cold tile grew louder before coming to a complete stop. Standing right in front of the doorway in his full disheveled glory stood Regulus Black, he was illuminated by the moonlight streaming down through the windows.

They stared at each other for a while, neither wanting to be the first to speak. Lily could hardly process the fact that he was real, he was so ethereal, and through Lily’s month of imagining what this moment would look like, she had thought she’d become disillusioned with the boy. She had not. She loved him as much as when they last spoke, and Lily knew that despite every dull ache at the painful memory, she might still forgive him, that things might still be okay.

“I can explain everything,” Regulus swore.

“Then you better start talking.”

Chapter Text

“I had to.” That was Regulus’ answer, it was his answer for everything. When it came to Regulus Black all things were either black or white. Regulus lived in the monochrome.

“You had to curse me, you had to call me that?” Lily questioned, she wanted to hug, coddle him, pepper him with kisses and forgive him right there. But she couldn’t her principles wouldn’t let her. “You had to Regulus?”

“I was cursed. Imperius curse.” Regulus mumbled. “I might still be? I don’t know how it works. I don’t know how to tell if it’s worn off. But I suppose I would have killed you by now if it hadn’t.”

Lily looked at him, scanning his face, trying to call his bluff. “You can’t go back there. You have to stop, Regulus.”

“Lily, it’s -”

“Complicated. I know.” Lily sighed, “But you cursed me, Regulus.” That wasn’t the part that hurt. “You called me a mudblood.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow at that, “But you are a mudblood?”

Lily went to leave, he had said it so carelessly, like it wasn’t an issue. She couldn’t fathom that he thought of her in such a way.

“Don’t leave, please?” Regulus pleaded. That was enough to stop Lily in her tracks. “I’m sorry, I won’t call you it again. Ever. I won’t curse you again. I’ll break my wand if I have to.”

“You already did.” Lily shook her head.

“What?” Regulus had no memory of his night at the Potters. He didn’t recall breaking his wand, or trying to kill Sirius.

Lily bit her lip. “Regulus, you can’t go back there.”

“I have to!” Regulus raised his voice at Lily.

Lily crossed her arms, “I won’t forgive you, if you keep doing it. If you keep going back there, and doing this to us. You have to make a decision.”

“They’ll kill Sirius.” Regulus answered without a moment of hesitation. “They told me, if I don’t go back they’ll kill Sirius.”

Lily knew it was the truth, she knew there wasn’t a single lie said, “They already want to kill him.”

“They’d rather have a dead bloodline than Sirius as the heir. They’d rather have all of our heads mounted on a wall. She’ll do it. My mother, she’ll do it.” Regulus was shaking, he always shook when he was scared, and right now he was like a kicked puppy.

Lily grabbed his hand, holding onto it like a lifeline. “We’ll fix this.”

“Lily, you can’t fix it.”

Lily pretended not to hear the words, the words that deep down she knew were true. “We’ll fix it.”

…

Lily, James, and Regulus had gotten far more careful about their relationship once more. The rumors had stopped, the whispers were gone. The cover of night could only allowed for so many meetings between them. They all pretended that nothing had ever happened. Refused to talk about the incident that lingered in the back of all their minds.

The three found themselves in the empty Potions room, it had been entirely a coincidence, James got detention, Lily was helping Slughorn, and Regulus had come to brew something.

“Reg, what are you brewing?” James asked.

“None of your business.” He gruffed.

Lily smiled sweetly, “What are you brewing Reggie?”

“Oh, um, Veritaserum.” He answered with a blush. James huffed in annoyance and Lily smiled at his annoyance. James pretended to be mad, but his smile shined brightly none the less.

Lily peered at the potion, “What do you need that for?”

Regulus shrugged, “I shouldn’t say, don’t want you involved.”

“Regulus, please?” Lily asked, her doe eyes meeting Regulus’. His eyes softened until he caved in, giving a slight nod.

“Mother.” Regulus mumbled, eyes locked on Lily’s.

“What?” James questioned, “What’s your mother got to do with anything?”

Regulus’ entire face tightened, “She makes me brew it.”

Lily hesitated to ask, “Why?”

“So she can use it on me.” Regulus said it like it was nothing, like it was something everyone did, and like it should have been obvious.

Lily just stared at Regulus, her mouth agape. “Regulus, are you joking?”

“I never joke.” Regulus looked confused. “What? It’s for questioning, everyone does it.”

“No. Regulus, not everyone does it.” James shook his head, “No one does this. What does she know?”

“She knows anything she wants to.”

“Oh, Regulus.” Lily sighed, she tried not have pity for him, but she did.

Regulus’ eyes widened, the way they always did when he revealed something he knew he wasn’t supposed to. Something that would surely garner great punishment in his home. His head jerked rapidly around the room, looking for an escape, purely on impulse.

James caught him by the shoulders pulling the smaller boy to his chest. “You’re not going back there.” James whispered, “You’re safe, they can’t get you. I won’t let them.”

Regulus pushed James off of him. “They’ll kill you James, you don’t understand.” Regulus backed away from both of them, his arms wrapping around himself protectively.

“They won’t. I’ll kill them first.” James swore.

“No one is killing anyone!” Lily yelled, voice echoing against the walls of the dungeon classroom, shaking the metal cauldrons. “No one is dying.”

The room was silent. Regulus grabbed his bag and left without a word. It didn’t take long for James to follow, leaving Lily alone in the classroom.

Lily thought about following them, but only for a brief second. She turned to Regulus’ unfinished potion, she hesitated a moment before adding a handful of spider eyes, rendering the potion completely useless, completely neutral.

…

Life was okay, for a while. Despite the constant arguments and insistence that Regulus shouldn’t go back to his family, and for that matter neither should Sirius. For the most parts the fights were non-existence and there were no problems, at least none more than usual.

“You’re rubbish at chess.” Regulus commented as he sat across the chess board in James’ dorm. “You don’t think ahead.”

“And you do?” Lily questioned. “I’m better than James.”

“Everyone is better at chess than James.” Regulus quipped.

“Hey! I’m fine at chess!” James complained, “I’m very smart, you know. Gonna be head boy if I keep it up.”

“You’re very smart dear.” Lily kissed his cheek. “We could be head boy and girl together, wouldn’t that be fun?”

James smirked, “I could get away with so much if I was head boy.”

“You already do, I saw Snape’s robes earlier.” Regulus commented, and Lily glared at both of them.

“What did you do, James?”

James looked anywhere but Lily, “You don’t want to know.” James mumbled, “You’ll be mad if I tell you.”

Lily sighed, “Why would you do it then? If you know I’m gonna be mad?”

James shrugged, “I don’t think about it before hand, sometimes I just see him and then suddenly his robes have turned bright pink without me thinking!”

Lily tried not to smile at James as she scolded him like one would scold a toddler. “You know better, James.”

“He makes it so easy! He hexed a second year!”

“Leave it alone, James.” Lily warned. Regulus was snickering, as if causing trouble had been his goal at revealing the information. “I could scold you too, still mad at you.”

“You’re not that mad at me, not anymore.” Regulus said, before pulling an angelic face. Regulus had known Lily too long, he knew how to get what he wanted from her now, it was a dangerous thing. So when Regulus looked at Lily with the large sad eyes, she couldn’t help but feel her heart melt.

Lily grumbled, “I’m still a little mad.”

“You’re always mad about something.” James commented, and Lily pulled out her wand pointing it at him in a false threat, “You’re not helping your point, Dandelion.”

Sirius opened the door, “My eyes! My sweet eyes, corrupted by the horror!”

“Godric’s sake, we’re playing chess! Not snogging!” Lily rolled her eyes.

“So you admit it! You snog my baby brother?” Sirius gawked. “You snog him in my room!”

Regulus huffed, “Come off it, you prat. I’m more mature than you.”

“Oh, are you? Because I recall you wetting the bed until you were ten.” Sirius taunted, Regulus tensed and turned more red than Lily had ever seen him.

“That was mean, Pads.” James pointed out. “You don’t have to be such a right prick about it.”

“You’re snogging in my room!”

“We’re playing goddam chess!” Lily groaned, “Plus I know you and Remus-”

Sirius was bright red at the mention of their names together, “Don’t you bloody dare, Red.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, “Leave us alone, or the whole school will know.”

Sirius scanned Lily’s face trying to see if she was bluffing but she was not. Lily would not hesitate to reveal every last detail of Sirius and Remus’ romantic escapades. “I liked you better when you were on my side.”

“I’m on your side most of the time.” Lily shrugged, “But stop messing with my boyfriend.”

Sirius grimaced, “You’re dating now? The lot of you?” They all looked awkwardly between each other before a chorus of hesitant nods and murmurs of agreement echoed. “Bloody horrific!” Sirius faceplanted onto his bed and they all began to laugh wildly.

Chapter Text

Lily in no uncertain terms was not invited to Petunia’s wedding this summer. Receiving the most bluntly worded letter her sister had ever sent resulted in Lily having the biggest tantrum of her entire life.

It began with the consistent breaking and repairing of her dorm room window. Followed by the entirety of the Slytherin fourth years being hexed purely for being in the wrong place. When Sirius Black snapped at Lily and she lit his robes on fire over a petty argument, Lily was once again forced to meet with Professor McGonagall.
“I’ve seen far too much of you recently, Miss Evans.” McGonagall shook her head in disapproval.

“Pleasure to see you as well, Professor.”

“What is it this time, what’s caused your most recent outburst?” McGonagall did not look at Lily, but instead kept her eyes trained on her desk as she checked off essays.

“Professor, surely you must know that Sirius Black always deserves it!” Lily defended herself, “He was trying to do something stupid, and I stopped him.”

“Miss Evans, you seem to have a tendency to lash out when something is troubling you, so please, enlighten me.”

Lily sighed, looking down to her hands. “My sister is getting married.” Professor McGonagall raised an eyebrow, and Lily continued, “I’m not invited to the wedding. I’m a no good delinquent afterall, a freak.”

“Oh, dear, surely that’s not it.”

“Her words were quite clear, professor. So if I may carry-on with my sour mood and short temper, I would be quite appreciative.” Lily nodded, in false hope that her professor would let the behavior go unchecked.

Professor McGonagall hesitated for a moment. Disciplining Lily was a difficult matter as she rarely lacked reason and rarely broke any official rules. Matters were made more complicated as Lily was quite fond of detention and if she garnered one her boyfriend would tag along and cause trouble of his own so he may join her.

McGonagall cleared her throat, “You cannot hex other students.”

“It’s always in defense of another student! I should let them do much worse to some poor first year?” Lily dared to question.

“So Sirius Black was going to hex a first year?”

Lily bit her lip, “No.” Lily wasn’t sure how to say the next part, she had been so careful not to think about him, not to speak about him. “He was going to hex Snape.” It still hurt Lily, to think about Severus, and everything he’d done to her. For every bad thing he’d done there was a good thing too. Lily sometimes thought of forgiving him, but she never did. “He’s still a student, I’m still a prefect. I was just doing my job.”

“We both know that the role of prefect does not require anyone to be hexed.” McGonagall peered over her glasses.

“It does if you’re a good one.” Lily mumbled, “Detentions don’t do anything anymore, we both know that, Professor.”

McGonagall sighed, “Headmaster Dumbledore will want to speak to you.”

Lily paused, she blinked and tried to make sure this wasn’t some cruel joke. “I’m in that much trouble?” Lily asked, trying to guage the situation.

McGonagall shook her head, “I have no clue what the meeting is pertaining to, he’s requested meetings with many students. But he’s specifically asked for you. You’re to report there at noon.”

…

Lily was nearly shaking as she made her way up to the Headmaster’s office. Lily had never visited him before, she’d only seen him at the Great Hall, and when her letter was delivered. Lily thought she might be expelled, though she’d not done half as many horrid things as the other students her age. Lily wondered if she truly was a good choice for prefect or if every other option was just far worse and they had chosen the most responsible of a non-responsible lot.

Lily went up to the office before carefully knocking on the door. It swung open with a puff, the kind of magical movement she used to be amazed by in her earlier years at the school. The old man stood before her, he wore outrageous bright pink robes, similar to the shade that James enjoyed turning Snape’s robes. “Miss Evans, it’s a pleasure to see you.” He smiled, “Would you care for a lemon drop?” He held out a bowl full of the sour candy and Lily politely refused as she sat down across from a large, ornate desk.

Lily was trying extremely hard not to seem unnerved by the strange, old, wizard. She wasn’t sure how old the headmaster was, but she was certain it was older than any other man she’d ever met.

“If you’ll excuse my brashness, Headmaster, why have you asked for me?” Lily asked the question with pure uncertainty.

A pleasant smile graced Dumbledore’s lips, “Have you given much thought to your future, Miss Evans?”

“Please, call me Lily.” Lily hesitated for a moment, she had wanted to be a professor, she had wanted lots of things, but it all seemed more complicated now, it all seemed very murky and uncertain. “No, I suppose I haven’t.”

Dumbledore nodded curtly, there was silence between them for a moment. “I trust that what’s said in this office will stay in the confines of this office, is that correct, Lily?”

Lily blinked, then paused for a moment, considering. “That’s entirely dependent on what’s discussed in here.”

“Very well.” Dumbledore chuckled, “You’re a very smart girl, you’re highly recommended.” Lily raised a cautious eyebrow. “Professor Slughorn, says you’re his best student in at least the past decade.”

“Would you like my help? With potions then?”

Dumbledore nodded, “In essence.” Lily was given too much time to stir on the words. “I take it you’ve heard of the war.”

“Well, I’m not living under a rock, sir.” Lily said it sharper than intended, forgetting her place among the authority figure for just a moment.

Lily expected to be scolded, as she would be if she spoke like that to McGonagall, but Dumbledore’s smile widened at the sassy remark. “Good, I assume you oppose Voldemort then?”

Lily nodded, “Not much choice, have I now? I’m a muggle-born.”

“Very good.” He mused the response for a moment, and Lily wasn’t sure whether or not she was supposed to fill the silence. Then he spoke again, “I’m developing an army of sorts, an order if you will. Your talents would prove very useful should you be interested in joining.”

Lily didn’t understand at first, she played the words back in her mind, until they made sense. “You want me to fight?”

Dumbledore shook his head, “Not on the front lines, but your talent in potions could prove very beneficial, especially in healing.”

Lily couldn’t form a coherent word for a moment, “James, James Potter. Is he-”

Dumbledore shook his head, “I trust that this will remain confidential.”

“James will want to fight.” Lily mumbled, then her quiet mumbles turned to pleas, “Don’t let him, he’s reckless, he’ll die.” Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak but Lily didn’t give him a chance, “I can’t lose him. You can’t let him fight in this war.”

Dumbledore considered the request, “Mr. Potter would be quite unhappy with that request.”

“I don’t care if he’s unhappy. Not if it’s between unhappiness and death, he could hate me for all I care. As long as he’s alive to do so.” Lily was pointed, her words sharp, as if she was in any position to demand anything. “You haven’t gone to him, I can tell. So if you do, then you’ll lose me, and something tells me with your lot of riled-up, headstrong Gryffindors, you need a goddam healer, and I’m the best you’ve got.” Lily waited for a moment, “You keep James Potter alive, and as long as you do so, I’ll make whatever potions you require of me.”

Dumbledore hesitated for a brief moment, though he tried not to show it, “Your request is not as simple as you make it sound.”

Lily’s face hardened, “Frankly, I don’t give a shit.” She decided she didn’t trust the old man sitting before her. “Pardon my boldness, but we both know that I hold an extremely rare talent for magic and potions, you need me, more than I need you. You keep James safe, and suddenly I do need you.”

“This is not a matter of negotiations. I’m asking for assistance in the cause.”

Lily tutted, growing more impatient, “I disagree. You’re asking me to risk my life. In exchange, I’m asking you to keep a reckless young man off the frontlines of the war. I do believe it is a negotiation.”

“You’ll die if you don’t help.” Dumbledore’s voice was cold.

Lily looked him up and down, if it were purely a physical match, she could take the scrawny man, but it was far from it. He possessed magic far more advanced than Lily had ever seen, and they both knew that. “Is that a threat, sir?”

“Merely a reminder of our current predicament.” It was said so casually, as if it meant nothing at all.

Lily breathed, knowing she had made her decision, “You have my offer. But I don’t do charity work.”

Dumbledore chuckled, “Perhaps you should’ve been in Slytherin.”

“Perhaps, but at least we both know I’m not a bloody coward.” Lily’s words bit like venom, as if her very mouth were dripping with it. “Do we have a deal? Or not?”

“You drive a hard bargain, Miss Evans.” Dumbledore concluded, “I’ll send for you if we have more to discuss.”

Lily was completely unsure whether or not she had won. She wasn’t sure whether James would be dead the moment he stepped on the battlefield. Lily wasn’t even certain that her own headmaster wouldn’t try and kill her for her bold tongue, for her lack of willing obedience, he certainly hadn’t expected the counteroffer.
Lily went to her dorm, she was shaking, all the adrenaline suddenly leaving her body at once. It all seemed so surreal, the war, the hatred, the fighting. Lily felt trapped in the center of it all, torn between wanting to abandon everything and wanting to save everyone.

Chapter Text

James Potter had the strange and inexplicable habit of saying “I love you” and meaning it with his entire being.

It was difficult for Lily to understand. It wasn’t that she didn’t love James. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Regulus. But saying such words aloud were a very different matter. It was no wonder James walzed about the castle as if he was the center of the universe. Afterall, how could someone who was so full of light and love be anything but the center of the universe.

In the past few days Remus, Sirius, Peter, and Marlene had all been asked to meet with Dumbledore in private. James was beginning to feel left out, and for that Lily felt partially guilty, and partially relieved. They’d all been extremely tight-lipped about their individual meetings.

“What’s he asking all of you?” Mary had pleaded for an answer, “Will he ask me soon?”

Lily shrugged, “I’m not sure you want to be asked, Mary.”

“I’m not stupid.” Mary huffed, “Everyone always thinks I’m such an airhead, but I’m not.”

“I never said you were, Mary.” Lily sighed.

Mary crossed her arms, “I know.”

“You know what?”

“I know!” Mary insisted, “It’s about the war. Dumbledore wants you to fight in the war, doesn’t he?” Lily bit her lip, unsure of how to respond for a moment. “You just gave me the answer.”

“Fucking hell, Macdonald!” Lily cursed at her.

Mary smiled brightly, triumphant in her discoveries, “Are you going to do it then?”

Lily didn’t look at Mary, she stared at the floor, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Mary couldn’t fathom this, Mary couldn’t help but be confused at the idea that Lily wouldn’t have made a decision.

Lily shrugged, “I don’t know. I tried to make a deal, and I think he’s still considering.”

“What deal?” Mary asked incrediously. Lily provided no answer. “Lily, what deal?”

Lily said nothing in response, she was not willing to give away her secret. Lily would do anything to keep James from hearing, to keep James from hating her. She knew he would. The war meant everything to James, his parents were both fighting, whether he would admit it or not, everyone knew where the Potters stood. James was a soldier, James was a soldier and a fighter and all that he wanted was to fight in this war, and Lily was keeping him from that. Lily was certain that he’d never forgive her.

Lily had to remind herself that she wasn’t keeping him from the fight, she was keeping him alive. It was all that kept her moving at the moment, the fact that she was certain that James and Regulus needed her. The fact that even if she could never save Regulus, James was right there, and he didn’t even know that he needed her to save him.

…

Lily and James had very little to talk about recently. Lily wouldn’t talk about her meeting with Dumbledore, and James was growing more and more impatient. Lily tried to distract James, but he wasn’t easily persuaded.

“You heard about Emmeline?” Lily asked, and James shook his head. “Her and Pete broke up again, apparently she’s back to snogging Mary. Caught Emmeline in our dorm the other day, no one knows that part yet.”

“You have to tell me, Evans.” James groaned, he was past the point of annoyed and was growing to become angry now.

Lily shrugged, “I think we should get a cat, I’m quite fond of cats.” Lily tried to do anything but talk about the meeting with Dumbledore, but it was all that was on James’ mind.

“Lily, what happened with Dumbledore?

“James, I can’t.” Lily urged, trying to get him to stop asking, but he was desperate.

James grumbled, “Sirius told me most of it, it’s about the war.”

“I told you, it’s confidential.”

“You’re fighting, aren’t you?” James asked. “You’re going to fight in the war, without me.”

Lily shook her head, “I’m not fighting anyone.”

“Don’t lie to me.” James insisted. “You’re hiding something, I can tell.”

“James, I’m not.” Lily’s tried not to look him in the eyes, it was harder to lie when she looked him in the eyes.

“You’re lying! You’re blushing and you always blush when you lie.”

“Godric, James! I can’t tell you!” Lily was yelling how. “Take it up with Regulus, complain to him, but I don’t want to heart about it.”

“He got a meeting too. You know that?” James asked.

Lily raised an eyebrow, “Who?”

“Regulus, Dumbledore asked to meet him.”

Lily wasn’t quite sure how to respond, she stammered for a second. “Our Regulus?”

James shrugged, “Yeah. Everyone but me. Every person has been asked to help but me.”

“You don’t know that’s what’s happening.” Lily tried to convince him, but James wasn’t stupid. Lily went to touch James, comfort him, convince him not to worry. But he didn’t want her to. He was too mad, he didn’t want to be touched, he hardly wanted to be looked at. “James. Look at me.”

“I don’t get it Lily! I should be fighting.”

“James, you’re not even seventeen!” Lily yelled, “We’re children. You can’t fight, you’ll die.”

“I’m not a child, and I’m certainly not your child so I’d like you to stop treating me like it.”

Lily huffed, she bit her lip, then she looked at him, square in the eye, “You’re not invincible, you think they won’t kill you cause you’re young? They will. You’ll be dead before you can mutter a spell, and where will that leave me?”

James paused, looked Lily in the eyes and in that moment, they both knew. “You did this?”

Lily didn’t answer, she just stood there, completely still in the eerie quiet. The wind rustling through the blinds.

“Lily, why?” James’ voice was almost pitiful.

Lily was trying not to cry, she didn’t want to weaponize her tears, she didn’t want James to try and comfort her, not when she had so clearly wronged him. “James, I can’t lose you.”

James’ voice strained, he was mad but more than that, he was hurt. “You won’t lose me! I’m not going to die.”

“You can’t fight!” Lily yelled now. She was crying, trying to hide the tears. “I’ve lost everyone! I lost my parents, I don’t recognise my sister, I’m not losing you, James. You’re not fighting.”

James didn’t seem to understand, he was still mad, he was full of pent up anger, full of frustrations. “You don’t trust me, you have no faith in me.”

Lily heaved, trying to stop the cries, wanting James to hold her, wanting James to walk away and leave her there, she didn’t know anymore. “What if I don’t?”

James looked at Lily, she didn’t recognise the expression that he wore. “Get out.” The words were harsh, they were mean, callous, Lily didn’t know what to make of it.

“James, what?” Lily was confused, she didn’t recognise James in that moment.

“Get out. Now.” He barked, it wasn’t a request, it was an order.

Lily bit her lip, “I’m not sorry, I need you alive.”

James opened the door, holding it open. Waiting.

They looked at each other, for a long time, but something was missing. Lily had broken him, the thing she feared all along. Lily with her habit for ruining perfect people, had broken James Potter beyond repair. He had moved on from her, and Lily regretted ever letting herself get attached.

Lily left the room, the door slamming behind her. Lily whispered a sad, pathetic, “I love you.”

There was no response.

Chapter Text

Lily and Regulus waited for news, but there wasn’t much. James had not been avoiding Regulus, at least not to the extent that he was avoiding Lily.

“He hates me.” Lily sighed, “I knew he would.”

Regulus hummed as he stroked Lily’s hair, he was braiding it carefully. He swore Pandora had taught him, and Lily had never felt so calm as when he played with her hair.

“Regulus, you’re supposed to say something to calm me down.”

Regulus nearly laughed at this request, “I have never once been calm in my entire life, you don’t want me to try and do that, Lily.”

“Are you mad?” Lily asked cautiously.

Regulus shrugged, “Only because you have the worst possible timing to start a fight. I have OWLs in a few weeks.”

“So you’re not mad?”

“It’s hard to be mad at you. I feel like I’m still on thin ice with you.”

Lily wasn’t sure whether he was or not. Regulus was so confusing, and her feelings for him only made matters that much more complicated. “You might be.”

“Exactly, neither of us are sure where I stand anymore.” Regulus sighed. “Jamie will forgive you, he always does, he just needs some time.”

Lily bit her lip, “I’m not sorry, though. I know James, he’ll die if he fights. I’d do anything to stop it.”

“It’s not your choice to make.” Regulus said softly, and Lily turned to look at him, forcing Regulus to drop her hair.

“You’re going to fight, aren’t you?” Lily asked, more cautious than urgent.

Regulus nodded, but refused to elaborate on his own accord.

“Which side are you fighting for?”

Regulus did not provide an answer, which Lily supposed was enough of a sign as to what the answer was.

“Regulus, no.” Lily gasped, she shouldn’t have been surprised, but she was. “Regulus, you can’t.”

“Don’t make me talk about it, please.” Regulus asked. “You know I can’t talk about it.”

Lily didn’t want to fight with Regulus, especially not when James was already mad as could be. “Would you kill me?”

“No, never.” Regulus did not hesitate, but Lily did.

“Even if we’re on the same battlefield, on opposing sides?” She asked, entirely unsure of what she wanted to hear.

“Not even if it was a choice between you and everyone else in the world. I’d burn them all to the ground, to keep you alive.”

“James doesn’t understand that.” Lily mumbled, “I think if James saw you on the battlefield,” Lily stopped for a moment, “I’m not sure that he’d hesitate.”

“No, I’m not sure that he would.” Regulus mumbled. “Is that why you won’t let him?”

Lily shrugged, but she didn’t answer.

“Why are you letting me?” Regulus asked, it was quiet, it was almost pathetically soft in the way that he said it.

“I’m not letting you.” Lily countered, “But we both know that you’ve no choice.” There was silence, their hands grasped each other desperately. Held onto each other as if their lives were entirely dependant on it. “Dumbledore asked for you?”

Regulus nodded, “Yeah, he did.”

“What did he want?”

Regulus just shrugged, hesitating on how to phrase the answer, he stumbled and stammered over his own tongue for a brief moment, he struggled to form the words. He looked Lily in the eyes, his hesitation all the more evident as he blinked rapidly but refused to shy away from Lily’s gaze. He held firm. “I suspect similar to what he asked of you.”

Lily didn’t understand, and if she did, it would remain unspoken. They knew that Regulus was in a tricky and utterly precarious position.

Regulus ran his fingers over Lily’s he was fidgeting, he was nervous, but he clearly had something on his mind. Lily didn’t press him, she never did. “Lily?” Regulus asked, his tone delicate, on the verge of breaking.

Lily hummed in response, her hand brushing through his hair.

Regulus’ eyes flickered to the floor for just a brief moment. “Lily, I don’t think I’m going to survive this war.” Regulus confessed, his voice shaking. “I don’t think I’m someone who grows old.”

Lily shook her head, “No, you can’t say that. We’ll fix this, we’ll get through it.”

Regulus began to cry, “I don’t think we will. I think I’ve come to terms with it.”

“Regulus, no.”

“I’m being honest.” Regulus sighed, “It’s the hand I’ve been dealt in life, and it’s shitty, but it’s what I’ve got.” His hand grasped Lily’s shoulder, “Some people don’t survive, and it’ll be a miracle if I live to see twenty.”

Lily was trying not to cry, she was trying to seem stronger than she was. “Why are you telling me this?”

“So you know that it’s okay.” Regulus whispered, “I’m okay with dying, I’ve accepted it.”

“I haven’t.” Lily interjected. “You can’t die on me.” It came out as a plea, a desperate begging. “Please, you can’t die.”

Regulus smiled softly, “The world doesn’t need any more Blacks. Maybe it’s for the best.”

Lily looked at him, she fully saw him. She saw his youth, she saw his fragile body, one that looked nearly starved despite growing up in the epitome of luxury. Regulus was thin, he was bruised, and he was likely broken. Lily heaved for a moment, struggling to collect herself, “You’re scaring me.”

“I don’t think it will hurt.” Regulus sighed, “I think death is peaceful in nature. Like falling asleep. No, I don’t think I’ll mind it much.”

“Regulus stop it.” Lily was harsher this time. “You are not going to die. I can’t let you die. Regulus, I can’t lose you. Now, stop it.”

“Sorry.” Regulus mumbled, he curled into Lily’s side, struggling to find warmth, despite the weather turning warmer by the day. Lily’s arms were one of the few places Regulus found himself to be comfortable enough to sleep, one of the few places that Regulus felt entirely safe. Regulus felt loved. “It’s just that-“

“Summer’s approaching.” Lily finished the thought, “You don’t have to go home.”

“I do. They’ll track me down if I don’t.” Regulus sighed.

“We could take them.” Lily responded, but Regulus pretended not to hear it.

“I don’t know if I’ll come back to Hogwarts.” Regulus’ voice was shaking again,

Lily stared at him, her arms wrapped firmly around his small frame, “You have to.”

“Mother thinks Durmstrang might toughen me up.”

“You’ll come back. You have to come back to me.” Lily breathed, “Promise me, promise me that I’ll see you again after this summer.”

Regulus didn’t promise, placing a kiss to her cheek instead. Lily knew he couldn’t promise, Regulus was certain that he would die. Lily tried her best not to cry, but her entire being was shaking.

Lily and Reg sat there in the quiet for a while. Lily pulled a book out of her bag, Wuthering Heights, she read it aloud and Regulus listened intently. It was calm, it was peaceful, and despite the chaos echoing around the castle, echoing around the entire wizarding world for that matter. It didn’t reach them in that moment, in that moment when everything was confined to the small empty classroom. Regulus fell asleep, his head on her shoulder, he looked something like an angel, his skin white as a porcelain doll and his demeanor as fragile as one.

Chapter Text

Lily wasn’t quite sure where she was going to stay over the summer. She had planned to stay at the Potters’, but at the present that was not an option. Lily had attempted to broach the subject with Marlene, since the McKinnon’s were normally more than happy to oblige her, however, the McKinnon’s were reluctant to have anyone visit with the war becoming so close to home. Marlene swore that her parents were not fighting in the war, but everyone else disagreed, especially due to the attacks on her father, which were becoming too frequent to claim he lacked involvement.

Returning to the Dursley’s was out of the question, Lily wasn’t even invited to her own sister’s wedding, much less be at their house the whole summer. Lily went to Remus to try and figure everything out.

“Remus, your parents love me.” Lily pleaded.

“You and Prongs will be back together by the summer. I’m not even entertaining the idea of you staying with me.”

Lily crossed her arms with a huff, “I don’t know, he really hates me this time.”

“He does not.”

Lily paused, “Did he say something?”

Remus smiled cheekily, “What didn’t he say?”

“Remus! Is James mad at me?”

Remus shrugged, “He’s more mad that you didn’t check up on him.”

“I thought he’d need space!” Lily groaned, she should’ve known better, James wasn’t like her, James never needed space.

Remus shrugged, closing his textbook. “You want to smoke?”

“What?”

“A smoke, you seem stressed.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, “A cigarette?”

Remus nodded, “Yeah, unless you want something stronger.”

“Stronger?” Lily asked, admittedly intrigued.

Remus nodded, “Come on, it’ll help, I promise.”

Lily smiled nervously, but followed him to the greenhouse. Remus took Lily over to a pot, turning the pot upside down and revealing a hidden mint tin taped to the bottom. “Remus, where did you get this?”

Remus shrugged, “Pete grew it, some seventh years helped Sirius and me find out how to smoke it.”

Lily blinked, not quite sure what to do with it, “It’s cannabis?”

“Yeah, you don’t have to smoke, just thought it might take the edge off.” Remus shrugged, grabbing one of the joints. He lit the top of his wand ablaze and used it to light the blunt. “You in?”

Lily hesitated before taking a drag, immediately coughing. “God, that’s awful.” She couldn’t fathom how it could possibly be relaxing, she felt gross.

“You didn’t even smoke it, try again.” Remus urged.

Lily did, this time inhaling the smoke, the ash taste flooding her mouth. Then a moment later it hit her, she felt lighter, her heart slowed. Everything was calmer. Lily sat down on the floor of the greenhouse. Remus and Lily sat there, completely serene and high out of their minds. There were awkward giggles and Lily got poked by at least six different plants.

Lily and Remus had not planned to be caught green-handed by Horace Slughorn.

“Mr. Lupin, Miss Evans, what are you two doing in here?” Professor Slughorn asked, extremely confused.

Lily just stared at Slughorn for a moment, “Nothing, sir.”

“You’re not doing anything?” Slughorn clarified.

Remus put his hands on his hips, “Well sir, what are you doing here?”

“My job.” Slughorn said plainly, in a voice that caused Remus and Lily to cackle with laughter. “Are you two on something?” Their continued giggles were all the answer that he needed, “You two are prefects for Salazar’s sake!”

“Please professor, take pity on us!” Lily pleaded, “We all know I’m your favorite.”

“This behavior is unacceptable, you can’t be smoking in the greenhouse, the whole place could set ablaze.” Slughorn chastised.

“There are spells for that.” Remus shrugged, “For if the whole place just-” He mimed an explosion with his hands causing Lily to burst into laughter once more. “There are definitely spells for that shit.”

Slughorn groaned, “I should give you both a months detention, take away your prefect status.”

“Go ahead, you’ll have to monitor detention though.” Lily shrugged, taking the joint from Remus and taking another puff right in front of Slughorn. Slughorn looked at her, completely baffled and confused. Lily blinked for a moment, “Oh, where are my manners? Would you like a puff?” Professor Slughorn simply shook his head and decided to walk away, pretending he never had the strange and utterly teenage interaction with his best student.

…

Lily and Remus often found themselves in the greenhouse, either smoking weed or smoking cigarettes. Remus had an eternal supply and Lily was unsure how he came to acrew it. When Lily had dared to ask, Remus would say his signature “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”

Sirius and Marlene opted to join Remus and Lily one night. The four of them laid on the wooden floor of the greenhouse. They were absolutely out of their minds at the moment. “Evans, you’ve got to talk to Prongs.” Sirius groaned, “If I have to hear one more time ‘oh, I miss Lily so much so now I’ve got to snog you’re goddam baby brother.’ I swear, I’m gonna kill him.”

“That is not what he said.” Remus corrected. “Pass me that.” Marlene passed him the blunt.

“What’d he say?” Lily asked.

“That he’s not speaking to you so he’s meeting with Regulus more often.” Remus sighed, taking a drag. “Pads is just fucking dramatic.”

Sirius smiled, “Actually, I’m fucking you.”

“Gross. Never speak again. That was awful.” Marlene pretended to gag. “I never want to think about that, never.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Grow up McKinnon, as if you don’t shag Meadowes.”

Marlene gasped in feigned shock, “How could you suggest such a thing, Black? I am a lady.”

Sirius scoffed, “Yeah, the Noble house of McKinnon, is it?”

“At least I’ve got a house.” Marlene chided.

“Low blow!” Sirius laughed, “Pass me that.” Sirius took a drag.

Lily found herself braiding Sirius’ hair, working her fingers through the soft curls. “You’re staying with Potter this summer?”

“Unclear.” Sirius shrugged.

Lily tutted, “Don’t move, it’s harder to do your hair when you move.”

“Yeah, cause I’m known for sitting still.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“You really don’t know where you’re staying?” Marlene pressed.

Sirius nodded, causing Lily to pull harder on his hair, “Yeah, think I’m headed to my lovely parents, give Reggie a break.” When Remus heard this his jaw hardened like he was struggling not to fight with Sirius.

“He hates it, when you call him that.” Lily criticised.

“It’s why I do it.” Sirius laughed.

Remus shook his head, “You’re not going back there.”

“You’re not in charge of me, Mooney.” Sirius crossed his arms, defiantly.

“Someone has to be.” Remus grumbled under his breath, taking the last puff of the joint. “Whatever, I don’t want to fight.” Remus laid his head in Sirius’ lap.

A calm quiet surrounded the lot of them, the gentle breeze flowing through the greenhouse windows, the smoke bristling through the air, causing some of the plants to cower around them. “You’ve all been asked to fight, haven’t you?” Marlene asked, breaking the silence.

Lily groaned, “I hate the fucking war.” Lily finished off Sirius’ hair. Lily nudged Sirius off of her and went to lean on Marlene’s shoulder. “I don’t know if I’m going to fight.”

“After all that shit you pulled, you still don’t know?” Sirius laughed. “You’re impossible, Evans.”

Lily tried to ignore the comment, letting her mind wander, letting her breathing even out. Marlene answered for her, “It’s not like James would last long in a war.”

“He’d do fine.” Remus insisted, “Plus, you know how stubborn he is, he’s gonna fight now. Only cause you begged him not to.”

Lily tried not to listen to her friends fight over her own moral dilemna, but it was hard when all the best gossip seemed to revolve around Lily at the moment. Lily tried to change the topic, “Pete’s officially broke it off, with Emmeline.”

“Old news.” Marlene scoffed, “That was last week.”

They continued to talk about Lily, and James, and sometimes even Regulus, as if LIly weren’t sitting right there. She knew her friends loved gossip, she even knew her friends could be judgemental assholes, but she couldn’t listen to it for much longer without starting a fight. Even high out of her mind there was only so much weed could accomplish.

Lily stood up abrupty. “Lily, where are you going?” Marlene asked.

Lily didn’t answer as she stumbled out of the greenhouse and into the boys dormitory. James Potter sat there on his bed, he hadn’t seen Lily enter.

If Lily were sober she would not have been so bold, but she was high, and still off balanced from it. “I love you.” Lily sighed, James’ gaze shot up to her.

“Lily, what are you doing here?”

“I miss you? I haven’t seen you in a week.” Lily was talking slowly, her eyes red and puffy, James thought she might have been crying, or he would have had he not seen Remus high a thousand times.

James’ mouth hung open, “You’re high, aren’t you?”

“What?” Lily laughed, “No!”

James stood up, bringing Lily over to his bed. “Godric, you are high. Let’s put you to bed, yeah?”

“I’m fine, James. I just miss you!” Lily yawned at the least opportune time for her to do so.

James ran a hand down his face in agony, “I’m not fighting with you when you’re high.”

“I’m thinking clearly, I’ve never thought so clear. I’m calm, and normal, and we need to talk.” Lily nodded to herself.

James tried to tuck Lily under the covers as her eyes dropped. “You’re tired, and stoned.”

“I’m hungry.” Lily corrected, thinking she was a genius for coming up with the response. “I’m starving.”

James rolled his eyes, “I hate it when I have to be the responsible one. Remember this when I hex Snivellus tomorrow.”

“No hexing!” Lily complained, not fully grasping his point.

James laughed, “You’re lucky I love you, what would you do without me, Evans?”

That was all Lily needed to hear. “You still love me?”

“Course I do, you’re an overprotective arse, but I still love you.”

“You’re not mad then?”

“Oh, I’m right pissed at you.” James corrected, “But I still love you, for someone with the best grades, you sure can be thick.”

“You love me.” Lily smiled sleepily, before falling asleep in James Potter’s bed once more.

Chapter Text

Lily woke up in James Potter’s bed, and that is how Lily knew everything was alright. “Sleeping beauty has awoken!” Remus cheered, “It’s noon, James has been gone all morning.” Lily looked around, and confirmed that it was only her, Remus, and Sirius in the room. Sirius was still asleep as a dead man in Remus’ bed.

“Where is he?” Lily asked.

Remus shrugged, “Think he and Pete are out flying.”

“Godric, he’s still pissed, isn’t he?”

Remus nodded, “More pissed at me now, said I shouldn’t have given you the weed.”

“Well he can kiss my arse.” Lily got out of the bed, she was still in her robes from the previous day. Lily opened James’ trunk and grabbed the first set of robes she saw before heading down to the Great Hall for lunch.

Lily got strange looks all the way down to the Great Hall, and Lily just opted to ignore it, she figured she must look like shit after last night, afterall, she felt like shit.

Mary saw Lily though, and gasped before laughing, “Saw Regulus last night, did you?” Mary asked, and Lily gave her a confused look. “Look at your robes, idiot!”

Lily looked down, and she didn’t notice the difference at first, until she grew aware of the green lining and large Slytherin emblem on the robes. “Fucks sake.” Lily groaned, shoving her head in her hands, “I’m gonna kill someone.”

Marlene laughed, “Do it, we’ve gone a long while without a Lily Evans tantrum.”

“I hate you.” Lily mumbled.

If that weren’t enough, apparently the robes made Lily an irresistible target for harassment from Regulus’ friends, as Barty and Evan were extremely quick to joke at Lily’s expense.

“One of us! One of us!” Barty began chanting at Lily whenever she roamed the halls.

“Reg was with us, who else are you shagging?” Was Evan’s favorite line, followed closely by, “Always knew you were a snake”.

Regulus managed to find Lily on the way back to her dorm, and while he was careful not to say anything to her, he couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the top of his lungs.

Lily trudged her way back to her dorm, she was exhausted. The first thing she did was blare Elton John over the record player. Then she laid on her bed, face down, unmoving. Lily screamed into her pillow for an elaborate amount of time.

…

Lily and James were not sure how to make things better between them. Every time they tried to talk about it they would either have a screaming match, or end up making out until they forgot about the fight entirely.

“You can’t fight.” Lily was taking a new approach, she said the words so softly, so sweetly, she thought James might melt on the spot.

James was nearly entranced, he blinked at her for a second, unable to do anything but look at Lily. Lily knew what she was doing, she wore the short dress on purpose, her hair done up, her lipstick was bright red. “This isn’t fair.” James whined.

“Jamie, I have been so nice, I didn’t yell at you once even though you hexed Snape four times last week.”

James leaned in, trying to match Lily’s seductions, but he failed, he was unprepared. “You said you wouldn’t hold that against me.”

“I lied.” Lily smiled, cheekily.

James groaned, “You’re killing me here, Evans!”

“You could have this, you could have all of this.” Lily gestured to her dress, “You could have it, if you don’t fight in the war.”

“Lily!”

“James!” Lily countered, “You’ll die.”

James struggled not to raise his voice, “I’m fighting for you! To save you!”

Lily raised her own voice. “I never asked you to! In fact, I’m begging you not to.”

James kissed her, in a desperate attempt to shut her up. Lily was upset at herself that she let it work, but she needed him. She needed him the most when she was angry. When they pulled apart Lily stared at James.

“We’ll never stop will we?”

James shook his head, they let silence fall for a second, “I won’t die.”

“You promise?”

James nodded, “With my whole heart.”

“What about Regulus?” Lily asked, “Would you kill him? If you saw him in battle?”

James hesitated, “I don’t know.” It was a lie. Lily could tell it was a lie because of how his voice shifted, a few pitches higher than normal.

Lily didn’t push the issue. “I’ll let you win. But if you die on me, I’ll kill you again.”

…

There was a small comfort in that James was now an adult. Or rather, he would be within the week. James was turning seventeen, and though Lily didn’t particularly care for birthdays, she was determined to make James’ special, because she knew that he cared deeply.

The brainstorming sessions took an eternity. Lily sat with the marauders, except for James, of course, and they mapped out ideas for pranks and parties. None of it seemed right, James loved to dance, but he hated drinking so a party seemed out of touch. James seemed to have everything one could ask for, so a gift was out of the question either. Lily was certain that she would have to make a grand gesture. Then she suddenly remembered her boyfriend’s favorite thing. Quidditch.
It took Lily a great deal of effort to have everything organized. Remus was very much against the idea of riding a broom, as was Mary. But the hardest part was convincing Regulus to hang out with their friends.

“Please, Reg. It will make James so happy.” Lily gave her best puppy-dog face.

“No, Lily. I can’t be seen with a bunch of Gryffindors.” Regulus shook his head, not looking Lily in the eyes for fear of falling into her trap.

“It’s at five in the morning, before anyone’s up. It’ll be fine, Reg, no one will see.” Lily insisted, “Please.”

Regulus looked at Lily, and then he began to cave, ever so slightly. “I need my beauty sleep.”

Lily smiled at him, “I think you’re beautiful, regardless.”

Regulus groaned at the compliment, “You’re not going to give up, are you?”

“Never. So you might as well agree now.” Lily beamed despite Regulus’ stubborn, dead-pan stare. “Plus, you’re the best seeker we’ve got.”

“I’m the best seeker Hogwarts has ever seen.” Regulus corrected, “Fine. I’ll do it, but you owe me one.”

Lily kissed Regulus passionately, before pulling back with a smirk to admire the blush that radiated off his cheeks, “Now we’re even.”

…

James woke up in an empty bed that morning, utterly confused to see the dorm be entirely empty, despite falling asleep with Lily by his side last night. Lily, on the other hand, was trying to organize the Gryffindor quidditch team and their seven friends into two decent teams. Lily was shouting orders as if she knew a single thing about quidditch before Regulus and Marlene got frustrated with Lily’s incompetence in the subject.

Regulus began to fix the mess of a thrown-together team, and Marlene was yelling at her own. Sirius had interrupted Regulus and the two were close to fighting multiple times until Lily and Remus pulled the two apart and Marlene made Sirius take a lap.

An annoyed-looking James came down to the pitch, but the disgruntled look disappeared the moment they all shouted, “Happy Birthday!”

His signature smile lit up James’ face, “What’s going on here?” He laughed.

“We’re gonna play some quidditch.” Lily smiled brightly, “Thought it’d make for a good gift.”

He looked at his friends, then at his teammates, “It’s perfect! Bloody perfect, Dandelion.” He planted a kiss on Lily’s cheek. James instantly whipped the teams into formation and the game began not long after. Mary made a very poor referee, and Remus was nearly killed by a bludger Sirius sent over to him. But James was laughing and smiling, and scoring like his life depended on it.

The game ended before breakfast, Regulus was not trying to let James win, even though it was his birthday. Despite the snitch catch, and possibly due to bias on Mary’s part, James won by a long-shot regardless. Everyone dispersed the pitch slowly, either hitting the showers, trying to sleep a little longer before classes, or heading down to the Great Hall for breakfast. It left Lily, James, and Regulus alone in the fresh morning air.

“Did you have fun?” Lily panted, hopeful.

James nodded, wrapping her in a tight hug, “It was the best gift I could have asked for.”

Regulus coughed, breaking up their hug, and James turned to a suddenly bashful Regulus, who refused to meet James’ eyes. Regulus held out both his hands, in one was a shiny new broom, and in the other, was a bouquet of dandelions.

“Oh, Regulus, I love you.” James sighed.

“Happy birthday, James.” Regulus gave James a quick kiss on the cheek before running off, scared of being seen by anyone.

If a day could be perfect, then James’ birthday was. If only it would last.

…

The following weeks were filled with frantic studying, Lily tutoring the vast majority of the fifth year students in Potions, and struggling to understand her Ancient Runes text as she had admittedly, put the class on the backburner. If she wasn’t careful, then Remus would have better grades than her, and Lily would rather die before face that grim reality.

Summer was drawing closer. It seemed to be a certainty that Lily would once again be crashing at the Potter residence, which left the mystery of what to do about the Black brothers.

In this scenario, Regulus was more or less a lost cause. Despite the endless back and forth of pleading Regulus not to return to the Black family manor, he would hear none of it. Regulus was insistent that if he did not return home he’d essentially be hunted for sport and forced into submission one way or another. The more difficult case, was as always, Sirius Black who could not make up his mind on whether he would follow through with the plan to return home with his brother.

The arguments between Remus and Sirius were rampant, nearly hourly, always filled with shouts from Sirius and annoyed grumbles from Remus. James was certain that Sirius wouldn’t possibly be stupid enough to actually go home, but Lily wasn’t so sure.

Lily tried to talk to James about it, “Pete says that-”

“I know what Pete says, but Pete doesn’t know Sirius like I do.” James insisted, “He’s coming home with me.”

“I think we need to have an actual talk with him.” Lily tried to approach the situation gently, knowing that James was on edge.

“We?” James questioned, tense and rigid.

“Do I not get a say anymore?” Lily crossed her arms. “Does Regulus not get a say in any of this?” James opened his mouth to speak but Lily shot him a warning glare, “James Fleamont Potter, you best think really carefully about what you say next.”

James sighed, “I love you.”

“Good choice.” Lily nodded, “Now, you really think he’ll go to yours this summer?”

“He has to, or he’ll die.” It was simple to James, everything was black and white when it came to the war, at least according to James Potter. Dumbledore was good, Voldemort was bad. It was what James was taught, and he would echo this eternally if he could.

Lily shrugged, “I think he’ll be fine.”

“It doesn’t matter, he’s not going.”

Lily bit her tongue, she didn’t want to fight with James about it or convince James that Sirius would be okay. At the end of the day, regardless of how Remus and James felt on the matter, it was Sirius’ decision, and everyone knew Sirius would do as he pleased.

…

It was all too soon that the school year was drawing to a close. It was too fast that Regulus was boarding the train and Lily knew that they wouldn’t see each other for months the moment they got off.

Despite the Hogwarts Express being there, Sirius had yet to make up his mind. James and Remus screamed at him the previous night, once again they were insistent that Sirius couldn’t go home. That Sirius would wind up dead at the hands of his own parents. As if Sirius had forgotten that they tried to kill him over the winter holiday. But Sirius swore that he knew all of this, Sirius swore that he knew what he was doing. More than that, Sirius was insistent that he was doing this for Regulus.
The second that Regulus’ name was brought into the fight, everything became much less clear and much more difficult to navigate. There had been intense schemes of elaborate rescue plots, espionage, and spells far beyond their skill levels. If everything were so simple, then it wouldn’t even be a conversation between them. If it were a matter of rescuing, then Regulus would be rescued.

The issue wasn’t that Regulus couldn’t leave, it was that Regulus wouldn’t leave, and the more they planned to drag him away from his family, the more it was clear. Regulus had chosen a side, and he had chosen the side he’d always known.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

The war was drawing closer and closer, as Regulus was drifting farther away, no matter how tightly Lily tried to cling to him. So as Lily watched the pale young man board the train, she couldn’t help but start to cry soft, silent tears as they rolled down her cheeks.

Chapter Text

The Potter manor was not as lively without Sirius Black. It had been extremely controversial when Sirius finally announced his decision, much to the confusion of his friends. James had found a magic mirror of sorts, two compact mirrors that connected to each other much like a telephone. When Lily tried to explain that it was quite like the muggle technology, James was adamant that it was entirely different. James and Sirius were in constant communication, despite themselves being apart.

“Is he okay?” Lily would ask.

James shrugged, “Got cursed again, but he’s hanging in there.”

“They let him back, though.” Lily was still confused by the whole thing, but she supposed it wasn’t her place to question it. “He’s alive.”

“For now.” James said, it sounded solemn, in a way James rarely was. “Sirius, said something to me, the other day.”

Lily tried to be optimistic, “Sirius says things to you all the time.”

“This one was important.”

Lily looked at him and considered for a moment, she wasn’t quite sure what was happening. “Regulus is okay?”

James shrugged, “Regulus is the heir.”

“Then why did Sirius go back?” Lily couldn’t understand, she could hardly fathom that Sirius wasn’t dead.

“Dumbledore asked Sirius to spy, on his family, try and get close.”

Lily waited, “And he agreed?”

James nodded, “It’s why he’s really there. Only reason I let him go.”

“Remus doesn’t know.” Lily commented, Remus had been adamantly against the idea of Sirius going to the Black Manor, so much so that the pair were no longer speaking.

James nodded, “Sirius wasn’t even supposed to tell me.”

Lily paused, she bit her tongue softly for just a moment, “Why are you telling me, James?”

“I tell you everything. I didn’t want to keep it in anymore.” James admitted, “I hate secrets.”

…

The summer passed by slowly, far too slowly. There was nothing to do, and no where to go. Until Lily received an owl from Dumbledore requesting her assistance. James got a similar one. The meeting took place in a small house, they were supposed to apparate there, though neither Lily or James were capable of such so they were presented with a portkey to the meeting.

The room was dark, the blinds were drawn and it was lit entirely by a few scattered candles and wandlights. The house was old, and clearly lacked any trace of electricity. The house probably should have been torn down years ago. The door squeaked as they walked in and the floorboards creaked with every step. Dumbledore wasn’t in the room, instead there was a much shorter man. He was a broader built man that was probably about a decade older than Lily. He looked everyone up and down, before aiming his wand squarely at each one of them, turning first to Lily, who was certain she’d been trapped.

Lily did not hesitate before drawing her own wand and aiming it squarely at the man. “Who are you?” Lily asked. She had expected to see Dumbledore.

The man let out a hearty laugh, “I could ask the same of you, young lady.”

Lily hesitated, uncertain whether she wanted to introduce herself or to hex him right there. “Lily Evans.” She paused, waiting a response, “Your turn.”

The man shook his head, “You’ve no idea who I am, but you’ve just told me your real name. That’s foolish, I’ll train that right out of you.” Lily was about to petrify the man, but he lowered his own wand, giving Lily pause once more. “Alastor Moody, I’m an auror, working with Dumbledore. The Potters can vouch for me.”

The man seemed earnest and Lily lowered her wand. “You’re lucky I didn’t curse you, I could of.”

He just laughed at her, which caused James to tense beside Lily, “No. You couldn’t, you’re far too hesitant. If I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.”

Lily looked to James, “You know this man?”

James shrugged, “Seen him before, didn’t really talk to him, he works under my dad.”

Moody scoffed, “Promoted, co-workers with your old man.”

James nodded and held out his hand, “James Potter, pleased to meet you, Sir.”

“Right, the other’s should be here shortly, then we’ll dole out assignments.” Moody nodded, speaking more to himself than anyone else.

Lily squeezed James’ hand, she was growing anxious as more people appeared and their friends were not among them. The only people Lily recognized were the McKinnons, Sturgis Podmore, Frank Longbottom, and his fiance, Alice. James tried to point out people to Lily that he recognised but there weren’t many of them, and Lily couldn’t remember their names.

“Remus and Sirius aren’t here.” Lily whispered to James, who nodded.

“Think Remus is on special missions, cause of his,” James paused, he didn’t finish the thought, “Sirius can’t leave, you know that.”

“What about Pete?” Lily whispered, she couldn’t fathom what Peter would be doing.

James shrugged, “Don’t know, he’s not as-” James struggled to say it in a kind manner, “Peter has different strengths, than the rest of us. Don’t know how much paperwork or Herbology a war needs, really.” Lily nodded, Peter was not dumb by any means, but Peter was far too hesitant to send into a battle, and he was a little too clumsy to be a healer.

Lily itched the back of her neck nervously, James held her hand a little tighter. The meeting began, there were no introductions, just assignments being doled out, and Lily had a strange feeling that except for her and James, everyone else had done this before. “Evans,” He addressed in a booming voice, “you’re working with Diggle on potions and weapons, he’ll show you the ropes.” Lily nodded before she could even process the assignment fully. She was much more aware when Moody was addressing James, “Potter Jr. you’re with Longbottom, do exactly as he says.” James agreed instantly, and it made Lily more than a little anxious how excited James was to engage in combat.

Not much later, the meeting dispersed, and through the haze of everyone’s frantic apparition and floo powders, Lily was left nearly knocked off her feet. “Evans, I presume?” The voice asked, and Lily turned behind her to find a man, not much taller than she was. “Dedalus Diggle.” He held out a hand.

Lily shook his hand, “Pleasure.”

“Right, let me show you to the lab.” He shrugged and began walking, until he walked right through a wall right where the atrocious floral wallpaper was peeling. Lily paused, it was not unlike Platform 9 ¾ but she was very much taken aback, as if she had never seen magic before. She hesitated slightly and tensed her body as she followed suit. It opened into a much larger room, quite similar to the Potter’s ballroom. The floor was white tile and the counters were spotless. The entire room was impeccably organized. The stock was nicely labelled, and the cauldrons were bigger than Lily had ever seen at Hogwarts. It was by all means and measures, a professional potions laboratory.

Lily was beaming with delight as she looked around the room, scampering to open cabinets and look at all of the things she had access to, knowing that a fraction of the supplies could drain her bank account entirely.

Dedalus gave Lily a list of potions and quantities that had been requested, and set Lily loose on her own. She was left alone in the room for most of the day, she was unsupervised, and for the first time she felt entirely like an adult, despite having a year of schooling left.

It was nearly midnight when Diggle came to check on Lily again, he told Lily to go home, which she was adamantly against. “I’ve got four potions brewing simultaneously, I’ve got to watch them. I’m fine, really.”

Dedalus shook his head, “Your boyfriend is asking for you.”

“Tell him to shove off.” Lily was far too focused on her given task, stirring one cauldron and constantly checking the timers that she had set on the others. “These are really advanced potions, I can’t leave them unattended.” Lily insisted, still not looking at Dedalus, her eyes laser focused.

“Dumbledore wasn’t joking, you’re dedicated.” Dedalus laughed.

Lily took offense, “I’m good at potions, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. Didn’t notice any other muggle-borns here anyway.” Lily had been very keen on that fact, the fact that most of Voldemorts opposers were at least half-bloods. It almost confirmed Lily’s worst fears, that being a muggle-born would mean she was never quite as good as the others.

“Take it as a compliment.” Dedalus suggested.

Lily raised an eyebrow, her temper growing more intense, “A compliment? That I’m talented enough to offset my birth status? Is that what you mean?”

Dedalus’ eyes widened and he shook his head, “No, no of course not.”

“Get out out of my lab!” Lily yelled, sending Dedalus back through the door with a fast and simple spell. She didn’t care if he was her superior in this, Lily was given a task, and she knew there was no one else capable of doing it, or else they would be.

It was nearly an hour before a very tired looking James Potter wandered through the door. He looked around the room and nodded in approval. “Hey.” He smiled.

“I’m busy James.” Lily sighed.

James shrugged, “Too busy to see me?”

Lily nodded, “Yes.”

James sat down on one of the counter tops. “Too bad. I want to see you.”

“You can watch,” She offered, seeing his face clearly for the first time since she entered the room, but at this promise he looked slightly too eager, “quietly. I’m working.” James mimed the locking of his lips and then throwing away the key. Lily paid James no mind as she worked away over the cauldrons.

Lily was nearly falling asleep over her cauldrons when she finally finished at three in the morning. She carefully bottled and labeled all the potions, James was asleep on the counter he was sitting on.

“James,” Lily shook him, “Jamie!”

He jolted awake, “Where are we?” He slurred in his tired state.

Lily sighed, cupping his cheek with her hand and letting out a yawn, “Let’s go home, Jamie.”

…

Lily was called in less than once a week, where she would spend her time over several cauldrons, making potions in bulk and stocking them accordingly. Lily didn’t see her friends, she hardly even saw James. He would be gone for hours, sometimes days. When he returned, Lily would be glad if he wasn’t bloody, or bruised. He wouldn’t speak about it, not after the first time when Lily began to cry.

It had been a particularly lonesome week. James had been gone constantly, last night Lily was certain she was looking at a dead man when he walked through the door, his shirt covered in blood. Lily had begun screaming when she saw it, crying as if she’d seen a boggart. She wasn’t normally so irrational, but the crimson red flowing from James' chest was horrifying. Lily had managed to heal him with a mix of spells and ointments, he was fine by the next afternoon. When James tried to immediately go back into the throws of the fight Lily stopped him and tucked him in bed against his will, ordering that he rest for the day.

“I didn’t even want you to fight James, and now look at you.” Lily shook her head, pouring another healing potion into a cup, mixing it carefully with some water to dilute it. “I’m not letting you go back, not for a few days, at least.”

“Lily, please. Be rational.” James pleaded, giving Lily a kiss on the forehead. “I’m fine, you know that.”

“You’re an idiot.” Lily corrected, “What were you thinking?”

James shrugged, “That I could take him.”

“He could have killed you, James.”

“He didn’t.”

“He could have, and he still could.” Lily raised her voice. Her eyes were narrowed and she crossed her arms. “You’re staying with me, at least today.”

“Just for tonight.” James agreed. “They need me out there, if I’m not there more people might die.”

“If you’re not there, you’ll be alive.” Lily quipped back, “I’m not quite sure I care about everyone else, if I’m honest.”

“You don’t mean that.” James shook his head.

“You’d be horrified to find out how much I mean it.” Lily answered and they dropped the subject, not wanting to fight.

James sighed, pulling Lily onto the bed and on top of him and wrapping his arms around her. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

He didn’t need to though, the second it was brought up Lily knew what it was. “Who did you see? Sirius or Regulus?”

“Neither,” James answered, “It was, um-” James swallowed the lump in his throat, “Severus, he’s the one that cursed me.”

Lily sat up, looking at him. “Snape?”

James nodded cautiously, he knew how sensitive of a subject it was.

Lily tried not to let it bother her, but it did. Snape had once been something to Lily, something special, something sacred. Then he ruined it. Now, he would kill her if he could. Lily wasn’t sure whether she’d ever be able to kill Snape, if she had to. “Oh.”

“Oh? That’s it?” James asked, not quite sure how to respond.

Lily shrugged, “I don’t know what to say, James.”

James nodded, “Oh, okay.”

James and Lily sat in silence, they were very confused on how to proceed. “Sirius is fine.” James said with a sigh.

“That’s good, is there any news on-”

“No.” James answered before Lily could even say Regulus’ name. “Sirius hasn’t seen him.”

“Sirius hasn’t seen him? They’re in the same house.”

James shrugged, “It’s a big house, he might be fine.”

“He might be dead.” Lily said, she wasn’t sure why she would say such a thing, it slipped out without thinking. Then Lily was crying, she didn’t realize it at first, “James, he might be dead.”

“He’s not.” James assured. “We’d know.”

Lily nodded, opting to believe him. Regulus was fine, Regulus was safe, if Sirius was then Regulus had to be. Everything would be okay, it would all be okay.

Chapter Text

Sirius was back.

For a brief moment.

He had returned to the Potters in a horrifying state, bloodied, beaten, heaving and trying to cover the tears that stained his cheeks. He stumbled through the fireplace similar to how he had two years ago during the winter holidays. Except worse. Everything about Sirius was worse, he was coughing, spluttering up blood and mucus. Lily had screamed when she saw him, James had begun crying, and Mr. Potter had to keep his son from nearly tackling his friend in poor attempts to comfort Sirius. Mrs. Potter had shooed everyone out of the room at first, trying to take care of the matter on her own. Then she apparated with him to St. Mungos. Sirius was gone again.

At first James was angry. That was easy, it was easy when James was angry, because all Lily had to do was hide his wand, and keep him from leaving. Lily would sit with him, listen to him complain about how he hated The Blacks and how if anyone deserved to die it was Sirius’ mother.

Then Lily was thrown out of the room one day, it was entirely without warning. James and Lily hardly ever slept in separate beds, Lily couldn’t sleep without him beside her. But James, by the sound of it, was not sleeping either. There was hardly a moment of quiet. Just echoing sobs as Lily reached a horrible realization.
James was crying.

James hated crying.

Lily didn’t know how to comfort James, it was strange. James didn’t want to be held, or touched. He hardly wanted Lily to look at him. Sirius had been gone for days now, they knew he was alive, but Mrs. Potter had been insistent that there were no visitors.

“James, talk to me.” Lily pleaded behind a locked door. “James.”

There was no answer.

“Sirius is fine, James.” Lily reminded him, “Your mum wrote, he’ll be back tomorrow.”

James opened the door slightly, “You’re gonna be mad.”

Lily paused for a while, she wasn’t mad, just concerned. “James, why should I be mad?”

He opened the door fully to see Regulus sitting there in the room, it hadn’t been James crying. The horrible sobs echoing the past few days had come from Regulus. “You’ve been here?” Lily asked Regulus, who nodded weakly. She looked at James, he was right, she was extremely mad, “You’ve kept this from me?”

James shrugged, averting his eyes, “Reg asked me to.”

“I um-” Reg hesitated, “I didn’t want you to see.”

“See what, Regulus?” Lily asked, extremely confused, there was no answer. “Regulus, what did you do?”

James held Lily’s hand suddenly, gripping it tightly. James had his eyes trained on Lily, as Regulus rolled up his sleeve. Thick black ink, not just ink, but magic, lined his forearm. The shape of a skull and snake mixing together in a deathly tango. The Dark Mark.

Regulus had the Dark Mark.

There was no more denying that Regulus was a death eater.

Lily gasped when she saw it. Lily opened her mouth to try and say something, but no words came out, just choked sounds and gasps for air. She couldn’t make herself speak. She swallowed and she stared at his forearm.

The both looked back at Lily, waiting for her to do something other than struggle to breath. She didn’t cry, she didn’t yell, she just looked at it. She was paralyzed by the image.

She wasn’t sure how long she looked at the mark, but she couldn’t draw her eyes away from it. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, that Lily looked at the symbol, and it looked back at her. The skull, it could be her own, that was the idea afterall. Regulus should have killed James and Lily the second he saw them, that was what the mark meant.

There was no logical reason that the three should have been standing alive in the same room, but emotions defied logic at the best of times.

“Lily, I’m-” Regulus began, but Lily cut him off.

“Don’t.” Was all Lily could muster for a moment, her eyes leaving the skin to stare into his eyes.

Regulus looked around nervously once more, he instantly went to roll down his sleeve covering the mark that seemed to itch him, burn his skin, as he nervously fidgeted and scratched at the fabric covering it, as if Lily looking in his eyes gave him permission to cover it once more. Lily searched for something, for some kind of sign that she still knew Regulus. She tried to find recognition, and it wasn’t hard.

Regulus had changed a lot in the past month, yet his eyes were the same.

His hair was shorter, nearly buzzed, and Lily missed his curls. He had managed to gain some weight back, maybe even muscle, he was healthier than he had been. He had a new scar, cutting just across his lower jaw, it was little enough that it could have been missed, if Lily hadn’t been accustomed to studying the boys face. Then there was his height, he was sitting, but it was clear Regulus was taller, he had definitely surpassed Sirius.

There was silence again, the horrifying silence that came when no one knew if making a noise would cause everything to erupt.

“You’re the heir now?” Was all Lily could ask.

Regulus nodded, “They made me um- yes, I’m the heir.”

“They made you do something?” Lily asked, cautiously, she was trying to be there for Regulus, yet she found herself still unable to enter the room fully, she was stuck at the doorway, as if he’d strike if she dared move closer.

Regulus didn’t answer the question, “You’re scared of me.” He took notice.

Lily hesitated, “I am.” She agreed, trying to be delicate with the fragile situation, “Do I have reason to be?”

Regulus shrugged, eyes glued to James’ shoes, which were nervously tapping on the carpet. “They made me curse, Sirius. In front of the whole family.”

Lily tried to hide the small gasp, “You did that?” The image flashed through her mind, it wasn’t of the bloody Sirius that fell through the fireplace though, it was of Sirius in the great hall, where Lily had sent him to the infirmary without so much as trying. She had done the same thing.

“I had to.” Regulus’ voice was small, scared.

“You didn’t have to.” Lily shook her head, she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but her body wouldn’t let her grant him much sympathy. She wanted to believe that it was Sirius against Regulus in a battle to the death, but she knew better. Regulus was in front of her, alive, like she had wanted, but Sirius was in the hospital, and if it weren’t for Mrs. Potter, he’d be dead.

Regulus nodded, “I’ll leave.”

Lily didn’t want him to go, she wanted him to stay, she wanted him to be there with her. Lily felt tears brimming in her eyes but she pushed them back down. She could not afford to feel this way about Regulus, she never should have fallen for the dark angel of a boy. She should have never been so stupid.

But there Regulus sat in front of her, across the room. He was like a succubus, and Lily had fallen victim over and over.

“Don’t leave.” It was James who said it. Poor pathetic James, who always saw the best in everyone, even Regulus.

They all looked at Lily, waiting for her to do something, but she just shook her head. “No, Regulus. Don’t leave.” There was a moment of relief that crossed everyone’s face for just a brief moment, “I’ll leave.”

Chapter Text

There was nowhere for Lily to go.

The McKinnon’s were paranoid, hardly let Marlene leave the house. Lupin was non-responsive, he hadn’t returned a single letter. Lily had stayed at the safehouse. She was not supposed to, she knew that. But she did. She slept in the potions lab, at the very least it meant that Regulus wouldn’t find her. It wasn’t that she was mad, she was of course, but she left because she couldn’t look at either of them. Not Regulus, not James. Not when they had kept this from her, not when they were certainly planning her death. Lily wasn’t sure that either of them would choose her over the war, so she couldn’t stay at the Potters.

Lily occupied herself with potions, but the solitude was beginning to get to her within a few days. Dedalus came by every so often to check on progress, but he hardly stayed long.

“You’re here too often lately.” He commented one day as he was dropping off a new list of needed potions.

Lily shrugged, “Hard work. I take pride in it.”

Dedalus crossed his arms, leaning against a counter. “You haven’t left, have you?”

“Why do you ask?”

“You’re in the same clothes for the past week.” Dedalus laughed.

Lily had hardly realised, “Cleaning spells, it’s not dirty.”

“Didn’t say it was.” Dedalus shrugged, “But there’s no way you’ve been home.”

“Between homes at the moment.” Lily muttered, focused on the cauldron. “It’s all fine.”

“Suit yourself.” Dedalus smiled, “If you need a place just let me know.”

Lily turned to him, “You can do that?”

“If I can’t, Moody can. You’re doing all this for free, we can get you a place as compensation.”

“I’d like that.” Lily agreed, “If it’s not too much trouble.”

“You can crash at mine, if you need.”

“Thank you.” Lily said sincerely, “Thank you, so much.”

Dedalus pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his robes, “In the meantime, we’ve got some long term orders.”

Lily looked at the list. Most of the potions on it took weeks if not months, but there was one that was quick, and it stuck out like a sore thumb. “Felix Felicis?”

“Yeah, you know it, right?”

Lily scoffed, “Course I know it, but you can’t just-” Lily bit her tongue for a second, “You can’t just use luck to win a war.”

Dedalus shrugged, “Why not?”

“It’s not fair.” Lily shook her head.

Dedalus laughed at her, the hearty kind of laugh that made Lily acutely aware she was the butt of the joke. “War isn’t fair.” He kept laughing, Lily felt power surge to her fingertips and she focused on her breath to calm down. “It’s not fair that they want you dead, now is it?”

Lily nodded, “Suppose not. I’ll get right on it.” She wanted to be alone again. That wasn’t true, she wanted James, but James wouldn’t come. So instead, Lily would rather be alone, consumed by her work so that maybe she could have a moment focusing on anything but her crumbling relationship.

…

Lily stayed with Dedalus for a few days, before she was extended an invitation for none other than Horace Slughorn. He had shown up on Diggle’s doorstep with a persistent determination.

“Professor, it’s really alright.” Lily laughed, trying to reject the offer.

“You’ll learn more from me.” Slughorn offered, “I’ll help you.”

Lily smiled, “Not sure you’ve much left to teach me, practically an expert.”

Slughorn shook his head, “Lily, I’ve never been married, and I’ve never had a daughter. But if I had children, I’d very much hope they’d be just like you.”

“Sir,” Lily sighed, “That’s very kind.”

“I’d like it very much if you stayed with me, Miss Evans. Got more than enough room.”

Lily caved in, “If you insist.”

“I do.” He smiled proudly.

Lily nodded in agreement, “In that case, you best stop calling me Miss Evans, I much prefer Lily.”

…

Slughorn’s house was cosier than Lily had expected, but she quite liked the smaller house. It reminded her of home, she never quite felt welcomed in the large mansions flooded with ornate artifacts that reeked of wealth.

It was cramped, messy, he clearly did not spend much time in the house, it was not clean by any mean or measure. “Please, excuse the mess.” Slughorn said quite sheepishly as he led Lily to the spare room.

“It’s quite alright, Professor.”

Slughorn shook his head, “Don’t call me that, we know each other too well, call me Horace.”

“I can’t call you Horace.” Lily was adamant. “Your my professor for another year.”

Slughorn laughed, “I’ve hardly anything left to teach you. I heard you took the job, with Dumbledore.”

Lily nodded, “Yeah, a potions lab. It’s a one-man operation.”

Slughorn smiled, “Good on you, haven’t worked in a lab since my twenties.”

Lily laughed, “Bet you ran the place, Slughorn.”

“I was a trouble maker in my hayday believe it or not. It didn’t get me very far up the corporate ladder.” Slughorn laughed as he reminisced. “I wasn’t unlike you, Lily.”

“You think I’m a trouble maker?”

“I have access to your files, not to mention that most of your victims are students from my house.” Slughorn chuckled and Lily went to protest, “I’m not saying it was undeserved, not by any means. But your record isn’t as spotless as you seem to think.”

Lily huffed, “I’m still a prefect. On track to be headgirl.”

“That you are, my dear. That you are.” Slughorn smiled, “I’m certain your parents would be proud.”

Lily didn’t think of her parents often, and when she did she would cry. “Thank you, sir.”

Slughorn nodded, then he coughed slightly, “Lily, I’ve been meaning to talk to you, for a while now.” Lily raised her eyebrow, leaning in slightly in confused anticipation. “You’re a smart girl, and you know, there’s a war going on.”

“Please.” Lily stopped him, “I know everything I need to about the war.”

“No, actually, I beg to differ.” Slughorn’s voice remind kind, collected, but stern and more firm as he spoke once more. “You should get far away from it.”

“You got me this job.”

“And you’ve almost finished it.” Slughorn continued, “They’ve got a stock that will last at least through the semester, thanks to you. But you’re good with a wand too. They’ll want you to fight.”

Lily stared at her professor, the man that was the closest thing she had to a father figure. Lily sighed, “You don’t want me to fight?”

“I don’t want you to die.” Was Slughorn’s fim answer.

“You think I’ll die?”

“You’re a muggle-born. You’ve already got a target on your back.” There was a silence for a moment, “If I were you, I’d run far away from all of this, live life as a muggle.”

Lily scoffed at the idea, “If I were a coward then I’d be in Slytherin.”

“Being dead doesn’t do you much good.” Slughorn remarked towards her, and Lily’s eyes fell to the floor.

Lily shrugged, “I’m an adult now. I appreciate your input, but I can make my own decisions.”

Slughorn nodded, “Of course you can.”

Lily sat down on the couch and a dust cloud quickly enveloped her, “You know James, James Potter?”

Slughorn laughed, “Taught him for five years, afterall.”

“I love him.” Lily admitted, “I love James, and he’s fighting in this war. What kind of person would I be, if I let him march into battle alone?”

“You tried to stop him, caused a stir among the faculty.”

Lily shrugged, “You have to try, to stop people you love from fighting in a war. Especially, on the losing side. But I think I get it now, why James wanted to fight so bad. He wants to help people, and I want to be like him. I want to be as strong as James Potter.”

Slughorn sighed as he resigned himself away from the conversation. Lily had never seen her professor cry, but the man was on the verge of tears. “Please, let me know if there’s anything you need.”

…

Lily stayed with Slughorn, it had hardly been a week when James was knocking on the door. Slughorn had answered and made poor attempts to shoo James away. All of them were unsuccessful.

Lily was reading in the small guest room when James began tapping on the window. “Lily!” James yelled, though muffled through the glass. Lily drew her blinds and pretended he wasn’t there. “Lily! I will smash this window!”

Lily went and opened the window reluctantly, “What? What could you possibly want?”

“I’m sorry.” James apologized, instantly and instinctively.

Lily sighed, “You’ve got nothing to apologize for.”

“Clearly, I do. You left.” James shook his head, he didn’t get it.

“Come in,” Lily helped James off of his brook and in through the window. “I’m not mad, I just couldn’t look at Regulus. Not without crying.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Not at you.” It was a lie, but they both pretended it wasn’t. Lily shrugged, “But I had to leave, cause Reg couldn’t.”

“He did.” James swore.

Lily paused, “He what?”

“He left. He had to, the moment Sirius came back.”

Lily’s heart began racing, her volume rose, “You let him leave? Are you stupid? He can’t! James!”

“The mark was glowing.” James defended himself.

Lily’s heart stopped racing as it dropped to her chest. “The dark lord wanted Regulus?”

James nodded. Silence, Lily was sobbing again before she even realized it.

“You let him leave.” Was all Lily could say, she repeated it desperately, willing it not to be true. The illusion that James could have stopped it, the illusion that there was any choice in the matter. Lily could bear the idea that people were dying, but she couldn’t bear the idea that Regulus would ever be one of them.

Chapter Text

Desperation would be a kind way of phrasing Lily’s state of being over the Summer of 1977. The less kind phrasing would be to say that Lily had lost all hope and clung to the idea of Regulus being alive like a child clung to an old blanket that should have been thrown out long ago. The kind of need and hope that was persistent regardless of the fact that all that was left of Regulus and Lily was tatters of what they once were.

Slughorn was right, in his assumptions, that Lily would be asked to fight, not just behind the scenes. When Moody had asked Lily if she would be willing, she wasn’t able to answer the first time around, it made her feel ashamed. She should have said yes on the spot, adn if she was braver than she would have. But instead, she felt the familiar sinking feeling in her stomach, and for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t someone else’s death that Lily was fearing, it was her own.

Lily had been in dangerous situations many times now, but the idea that this time she may die, the chances were far too high for her liking. She was far too young for her liking. Lily had never really believed in divination, she had never been good at that class anyhow. But she couldn’t help but stare at the life line on her palm. The lifeline that was abnormally short, she feared the prediction would come true, or worse, that it was inscribed in her since her birth, the possibility of dying young.
Lily wished that when she approached death, it would be brave, some bold act of heroism. More than that, she hoped it would be quick. Lily hoped that she would die first, when the time came. That she wouldn’t have to see James or Regulus buried in the ground. But Lily knew more than anything, that she had no say in the matter. She was far too smart to try and fight fate, or destiny, and as much as she would deny it, she was beginning to believe in the concepts.

Lily did not agree to fight in the war. In fact, aside from Potions, she refused to know anything more than she absolutely had to. For all intensive purposes, Lily had resigned from any role in the fight. She was strictly a potion maker, nothing more.

She didn’t want James to know, she didn’t want to see his disappointed face.

Regulus was with Voldemort, he hadn’t returned to the Potter residence, and Lily knew better than to send him letters. Lily didn’t want to stay with James, it meant sacrificing every single moment of sleep, but she was still mad.

Lily did not want to be mad at James anymore, and if it were that simple then they would kiss and make up. But Lily’s temper would get the best of her, and Lily would end up screaming at James, or worse, when she wasn’t mad and the temper dissipated, Lily would cry.

Crying was without a doubt the worst thing that Lily Evans could do in front of James Potter because James had this horrible habit of pitying Lily lately. So Lily hid, she hid from the choices she had to make about the war, she hid from the thought of Regulus, and she hid from James Potter.

…

“Lily?” James had caught her when she was about to enter the Potions lab. She had successfully avoided him for a week now, Slughorn had chased him off the property twice. “Will you come home?”

Lily didn’t answer, she turned to leave, only to find Sirius Black blocking her path. She gasped when she saw Sirius, he was different. He was stronger, or maybe Lily just felt weaker, she wasn’t sure. His left arm was covered in scars that were inked over with tattoos in a poor attempt of concealment. “Sirius,” Lily breathed, she hadn’t seen her friend in months now, “Glad to see you’re okay.”

Sirius nodded, he smiled softly, “You’re not doing so hot, are you?”

Lily shrugged, looking to the floor. “I’m not going back with you.” She looked towards James, “Not either of you.”

James grabbed Lily’s hand, “How do I fix this? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything, James.” Lily couldn’t look at him, she would cry, then he would comfort him, then she would need him.

Lily couldn’t need James.

Lily could not let herself need James, and she couldn’t let James need her because one day she would be dead, or he would be dead, and there was no other outcome. This war would eat one or both of them alive and Lily knew that. She couldn’t let herself need James, not as much as she did at that moment.

“Please, Dandelion.”

“Don’t call me that.” Lily begged, the tears threatening to spill, so she ran. Or she would have, had Sirius’ chest not been there. Her back hit the floor with a thud, James rushed to help her out. “Don’t touch me.”

“Lily, what happened?” James was begging to know, he was unashamed of it. James was never ashamed of anything. “Something happened, and now you hate me.”

“You’re an idiot, James!” Lily yelled at him, but he smiled, just happy she was finally looking him in the eyes as her own spilt tears. “I don’t hate you, I love you. I love you James, I love you so much, that I can’t watch you die.”

“So what?” James’ voice was calm, “You want me to die? You think I’ll die?”

Lily shrugged, “We’re not both going to survive this war, and I want to leave.”

“Leave?” James asked, his voice filled with disbelief. “Lily, I’m fighting for you, I’m fighting for us.”

“I never asked you to.” Lily bit. “In fact, I remember pleading with you not to. I didn’t ask for magic! I didn’t ask to be a witch!” Lily was panting, heaving with sobs and anger, “I could have been normal, like Petunia, and my parents.”

“Petunia’s a bitch and your parents are dead.” Sirius butted in, and he left when James shot him a glare.

“You don’t want to be like them.” James shook his head.

Lily struggled to explain, she couldn’t do anything but shout, “You don’t know what I want! You can’t, because I don’t. But I want to leave. I’m tired, James.”

“Tired of us?”

“Tired of magic!” Lily exhausted, “It was so simple before. You don’t get it James.”

“Then help me! Help me understand.” James grabbed Lily’s hand, stroking it gently. “I’ll fix this Lily. We can leave right now, we can go anywhere.”

Lily shook her head, “I’m not letting you sacrifice everything for me.”

“I’d do it. In a heartbeat.” James was eager, it came out without hesitation. He didn’t have to think for a second.

“You can’t.” Lily reminded him, “Sirius needs you. Your parents need you.” Lily stopped, she hadn’t said his name in so long, “Regulus needs you.”

“What if I need you, Lily?” He asked.

Lily shook her head with complete earnest, “You don’t. You’ll be okay.”

James looked defeated, it was the first time Lily had seen the expression on his face, and she hated it. “That’s it then?”

Lily didn’t want that to be it. She didn’t want James to leave. But Lily couldn’t stand to look at him, not when she knew that she was a coward. She couldn’t fight for herself the way James would fight for her. She couldn’t fight against Regulus the way she needed to keep herself alive.

Lily left that night. She didn’t go to the Potter’s, she didn’t go to Slughorn’s. Instead Lily found herself soaked by the rain, shivering, knocking at the door of the one person who always had to let her in. Petunia Evans.

Chapter Text

Lily stood outside the large brick building in the middle of London. It was raining, and shockingly cold for the summer. Lily didn’t mind the rain, it made her crying less evident, and it made her strange wardrobe less conspicuous. The street was almost entirely empty, at least as far as Lily could see past the thick haze of rain and fog, only illuminated by the yellow tinted light of the street lamps.

Lily wasn’t sure how to contact Petunia. She had no phone, and she wasn’t quite sure which apartment Petunia was even in. But Lily knew Petunia was somewhere in the building, the past few return addresses were directed towards it. So Lily stood there, alone, in the dark and pouring rain, as she waited for Petunia or even her sister’s awful fiance to come and find her.

Petunia was in full rain gear as she was attempting to take out the trash, she didn’t see Lily at first, and she didn’t recognise her sister until they were face to face. Petunia looked over the despondent Lily in a frantic state, she hadn’t expected to see her sister at all. “Lily?” Petunia asked in shock as she opened the door and ushered Lily inside the apartment building. “What are you doing here?”

Lily’s teeth were chattering from being out in the rain, “I’m a freak, Tuney.”

Petunia sighed, “You’re freezing, how long were you out there?”

Lily shrugged, she didn’t answer, she just started crying.

“Oh, Lils.” Petunia wrapped her younger sister in a towel. “I thought you weren’t coming back.”

“I didn’t think I would have to.” Lily mumbled.

“What’s happened? What are you doing here?” Petunia tried to be as delicate as possible, she was hardly ever so nice to Lily, but Lily hardly ever looked as fragile as she did in that moment.

“I think I just broke up with James.” Lily couldn’t move her gaze from the fixed spot on the floor as she cried.

Petunia shook her head, “Good. We’ll find you a nice young man, a normal, nice young man.”

“I love him.”

Petunia groaned, “You did not come here, just to do this shit.”

“I’m going to die, Petunia.” Lily said, having not heard her sister, Lily could hardly hear anything over her own cries and the pounding of her heart against her ribcage.

Petunia stopped suddenly, “You’re not. I won’t allow it. Don’t say that.”

Lily scoffed, “There’s a war Petunia, a war where one side’s entire goal is to kill people like me.”

“But you’re a stubborn arse, so you’re going to fight anyway.” Petunia finished what she thought Lily would say.

Lily just shook her head quietly. “No. I’m a coward.”

Petunia wasn’t sure what to do. “You’re brave. It’s brave to stick up for yourself.”

Lily didn’t get it, “What?”

“Everyone is going to tell you to fight, guilt-trip you because this war is ‘about you’ it’s not. It’s about some power hungry dickhead. It’s nothing to do with you. Don’t be stupid and die on me.” Petunia rolled her eyes, as if the entire thing was obvious. “I’d give it up, if I were you. It’s not too late.”

Lily looked at her sister, “Can I- um.”

“Spit it out.”

Lily laughed, smiled for the first time in a while. “You know what I’m going to ask.”

“And I’m still going to make you ask it. Spit it out.”

“Can I stay with you?” Lily asked carefully.

Petunia nodded, “Yes. I’ll set up the couch.” Lily provided no response, besides a grateful sigh of relief. “You could at least say thank you.”

“Don’t be an ass today, please.”

Petunia crossed her arms, “I could put you back on those streets.”

“You won’t.” Lily said confidently. Petunia huffed as she went to grab spare blankets and pillows. “You told me not to come to your wedding.”

Petunia laughed as she shoved the objects into Lily’s hands, “That’s what you want to talk about? Right now?”

“Why?”

Petunia sighed, “I know you hate the Dursleys.”

“You think I’d cause a scene.” Lily pointed out, “I wouldn’t. Just for the record.”

“You’d be miserable.” Petunia countered, “I’m not putting you through that. Having to wear a frilly dress for hours, behave and be told how you’re such a poor orphan and charity case. Not putting you through that.”

“You put yourself through it.”

Petunia pretended not to hear that. “Do you need food? Have you eaten?”

“I’m not hungry.” Lily sat down on the couch, wrapping the second blanket around herself.

Petunia headed into the kitchen anyway, “I’ll make you toast.”

“Where’s Vernon?”

Petunia sighed dramatically, “His sister’s place. Something about a dog, but if he brings one home I’ll kill him.”

“I’ve missed you, Tuney.”

Petunia shook her head, trying to hide the soft chuckle, “Don’t call me Tuney. I’m too old for that.”

“Oh, I beg your forgiveness Mrs. Dursley.” Lily chided and stuck her tongue out.

Petunia rolled her eyes at her sister. “Not married yet. Wedding is next month.”

“August, classy.” Lily smiled.

“Oh, you arse.” Petunia laughed, “Where have you been staying?”

Lily shrugged, leaning back on the couch, “Left my boyfriend’s house a few weeks back, been staying with my professor.”

“Lily!” Petunia squawked.

“Calm down, it’s not like that. He’s practically my dad.”

“He’s not dad.” Petunia was adamant.

Lily nodded, “Of course.”

Petunia stopped what she was doing to look Lily in the eyes, “Lily, you can’t just replace our parents.”

“I’m not doing that. But I’m allowed to-”

“No. You’re not.” Petunia crossed her arms, “You can’t replace our family.”

“You did.” Lily argued, she was shockingly calm.

The toaster dinged and Petunia whipped around with a surprisingly quick speed, she put it on a plate and placed it on the coffee table in front of Lily with a thud. “So, this professor, what does he teach?”

“Potions.”

“Potions?”

Lily shrugged, “It’s my best subject.”

“Sometimes I forget that you’re a freak. You used to be so normal.”

Lily chuckled, “You mean when I was ten?”

Petunia nodded, “You were perfectly normal at age ten. Friends with that Severus freak, but other than that-”

“I don’t want to talk about Severus.” Lily cut Petunia off abruptly. Petunia didn’t press the matter.

“Alright, what do you want to talk about?”

Lily shrugged, “Can we watch White Christmas?”

“It’s July.” Petunia protested.

“I haven’t seen television in at least three years. It’s my favorite movie.”

Petunia stared at Lily, trying to see if she was joking. Lily was completely serious and continued her asking to watch White Christmas like they used to every year when they were little. Petunia caved and the two sisters curled up on the couch as if nothing had ever changed.

Chapter Text

If everything were simple then Lily would stay on her sister’s couch for the entire summer. Lily might have, if it weren’t for Vernon Dursley. Vernon Dursley’s insistence that Lily was an adult and needed to pull her weight in the flat. Lily ignored this, but Petunia was not so fortunate as to ignore her fiance’s constant grumbling.

“Lily, you’ve at least got to find a job.” Petunia urged, “You don’t have to go back to school, if you don’t want.”

“I’m going back to school.” Lily shook her head, “Why would you think I’m not going back to school?”

Petunia sighed, “You’ve done nothing but sit on that couch and read mum’s old books.”

“I’ve also watch telly.” Lily protested. “Variety is the spice of life.”

“You need a job.”

Lily shrugged, “Got a job, got some galleons saved.”

“What the fuck is a galleon?”

There was a knock on the door. Petunia went to open it. “Package for Lily Evans?” The voice was extremely recognisable. Lily curled herself in the blanket on the couch to try and hide from him.

“Those are weeds. We don’t want your weeds.” Petunia snarked at the bouquet of dandelions in James’ hand.

James sassed back, his annoyance more than evident in his voice, “Well are you Lily Evans? Didn’t think so.”

“You know my sister?” Petunia asked, crossing her arms.

“I do. I’d very much like to deliver these to her.”

Petunia sighed, “You’re James aren’t you? Dandelions, are you poor or something, couldn’t afford real flowers?”

James tried to disengage, “Is she here or not?” James asked as he tried to get past Petunia and into the apartment.

“Go away, James!” Lily yelled at him, which only caused James to rush into the flat.

James’ whole body relaxed when he saw her, “You’re okay.” He sighed.

Lily shot up, “Is Regulus okay?” James nodded. “Then leave.” Lily insisted, “If everything is fine, then you can go. We’re not together anymore.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Lily got up, folding her arms over her chest, “What do you want from me, James?”

James’ response was instant, “I want you to marry me.”

“For fucks sake, James!” Lily exclaimed.

“Will you just come home?” He begged.

Lily stared at James for a moment, “Why are you here?”

“I need you.”

“You don’t need me.” Lily sighed, it had been what she was trying to prevent.

James breathed shallowly, “There was an incident. Last night in muggle London. I thought I was going to die, Lily.”

“Please, don’t tell me that.” Lily pleaded, “This is why I never wanted you to fight in the war.”

“I saw someone there. She looked like you, a younger version of you. Not really like you, she had your hair, and all I could think about, was that I might die. I thought I would die and I wasn’t scared Lily, except that I thought ‘if I died right now Lily might never forgive me for it.’ That part scared me. You never forgiving me.”

Lily shook her head, “I wouldn’t forgive you, if you die.”

“I need you. I’m not too proud to beg. I’ll get on my damn knees if I have to. Just come home.”

Lily bit her lip, “James, no.”

James got on one knee, and he pulled out a diamond ring. “I swore to you that I would marry you one day, Lily.”

“James. Get up.”

“I love you.” James swore.

Lily stared at James, she wasn’t sure what was happening, she was scared. She still loved him, she still needed him, and so she agreed. “Okay.”

James’ eyes lit up, “You will?”

“I’ll go home with you.” Lily corrected, “Not marry you, just go home.”

James nodded, a smile on his face, “Anything you want.”

Petunia popped her head into the living room as she rounded the corner, clearly having eavesdropped. “Well, since everything seems to have worked out, would you care to stay for dinner?”

James was about to say something foul, but Lily didn’t provide him the opportunity, “He’d love to.”

…

The Evans Sisters, Vernon, and James, somehow ended up sitting in the booth of a extremely middle-class Italian restaurant that was owned by someone who had clearly never visited Italy before. The whole restaurant was awkwardly dark, illuminated with yellow tinged lights that were elaborately dangling from the ceiling.

The four quickly realized they had absolutely nothing to talk about. “James, is it?” Vernon asked gruffly.

“That would be me.” James smiled plainly, “You’re Lily’s brother-in-law then.”

“Not yet.” Lily commented and Petunia shot her a look.

They all pretended not to hear Lily’s comment, “I will be in August.” Vernon smiled back at James, Lily swore there was a glistening of evil in his eyes, “What do you do for work?”

It was Lily’s turn to shoot James a glance, trying to casually remind James that not everyone was magical. James did not remember this, nor did her understand what Lily’s glance truly meant. “I’m still in school.”

Vernon used that against James, Vernon began talking about his own accomplishments in his career. He was casually bragging about how much money he made when James began to laugh in an extremely obvious and exaggerated manner.

“James.” Lily elbowed him, she whispered out of the side of her mouth, “James, stop, you’ll piss my sister off.”

James nodded and tried to stifle his laughter, “I’m sorry, I just could never work an office job like that, sounds awful.”

“James.” Lily muttered again.

“Oh, what do you plan to do?” Petunia asked with a plastered on smile, as she tried to keep the peace.

James beamed, “I’ll be playing quid-” He began but Lily cut him off.

“Sports” Lily corrected, “James has been recruited by some sports teams. He um- he plays rugby.”

Vernon scoffed, “Makes sense, doesn’t require you to have a brain.”

“Top of my year in school, actually. Other than Lily.” James gave her a wink which made her blush. “She’s the smart one, afterall.”

“Oh, top at your troubled teens school, are you Lily?” Vernon bit.

Lily glared daggers at Petunia now, “I was actually at a gifted kids school, for the exceedingly intelligent. Tuney didn’t say that cause she was jealous.” Lily turned to Vernon, “I specialize in medicine.”

“Well now, there’s no need to lie, Lily.” Petunia laughed, desperately trying to save face, “I still love you, sisters afterall.” Petunia gritted out the last part, and suddenly everyone at the table was mad at each other.

The rest of the meal was not much more successful. There were many poor attempts at awkward small talk, but it was exceedingly evident that James and Vernon could not possibly be any more different than each other. Whenever Vernon mentioned his job or his family’s business James would begin to laugh. James was unable to discuss almost anything, since every single one of James’ life experiences involved magic. So Lily had to correct nearly every statement James had made.

The evening came to an abrupt end when Vernon called Lily a freeloader, though the statement was said in jest, it caused James to come to Lily’s defense. James was not kind with his insults that he slung at the older man, and when Lily tried to calm James, it had the opposite effect. James drew his wand, and Vernon did not understand what was happening, he taunted ‘James’ little stick’ which was an atrocity of an idea, since James almost immediately hexed Vernon.

Petunia had to go and explain the situation to Vernon, and Lily had to get James as far from the two muggles as possible.

…

“You’re an idiot, Jamie.” Lily criticised once they had returned to the familiar Potter residence.

“Call me whatever names you want, love. I did nothing wrong.” James shrugged as he sat down on the couch.

Lily sat beside him, taking hold of James’ arm and wrapping it around her as she cuddled closer. “You’ve never interacted with muggles before, have you?”

“I have!” James paused for a second, “I think.”

“Muggles don’t know about half the shit you were talking about, James.” Lily shook her head, “Specially not quidditch or the war.”

James shrugged, “There was nothing else to talk about though. Bloke only wanted to talk about his money, and in case you forgot, I’m rich too.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “You’re an ass.”

“I know.” James kissed Lily’s forehead, “But I’m your ass, you’re stuck with me.”

Lily laughed, “I did miss you.”

“I missed you more.” James smiled. “We’ll be okay, right? We’re okay?”

Lily nodded, “I think so. It’s hard, James. I hate this war.”

James shrugged, “I think that’s the point. It’s war.”

“You’d die for me.” Lily commented. “You have to promise you won’t.”

“I would.”

“You can’t.” Lily insisted, “If you want me to stay then you have to promise me that. That you won’t die for me. I couldn’t live with myself if you do.”

James nodded, “Okay. I promise.” They both knew that James didn’t truly mean it, but that wasn’t the point. They were tired of fighting. Being adults was not as fun as either had anticipated, and Lily was growing anxious and eager for the return to school.

Sirius came running down the steps, “Oi! Evans, you’re back.”

James groaned, “We’re having a moment here, Pads.”

Sirius sat right between the two of them on the couch, Lily played into James’ annoyance and began to lean on Sirius’ shoulder.

…

The summer passed by as it had started, in a strange twist of fate, and an almost perfect loop, Lily returned to sleeping in James’ room everynight, despite having the guest room set up for her. She was once more working in the potions lab, at most once a week. She had regular meetings with Slughorn, who was extremely nervous about Lily’s involvement in the war.

The only thing that had truly changed beyond recollection and beyond repair, was Lily’s relationship with Regulus. Regulus had a dark mark, the symbol that symbolised the singular belief that Lily should be dead.

Lily was a freak of nature, she knew that. She was not supposed to have magic according to any understanding that both wizards and muggles had, Lily should not have magic. Yet she did. Regulus was working with people who wanted to kill her because of it, and the worst part was that Lily was left wondering if she could blame them. Of course, Lily knew it wasn’t her fault that she had magic, she had tried to get rid of it many times. But she still wasn’t sure where it came from, maybe she had stolen it from other children, or maybe there was a mistake at the hospital. Lily wasn’t sure, and she never would be.

If Lily could do anything, she would take Regulus away from it all, she would take him from his family and the war. Lily’s stack of letter’s addressed to Regulus grew taller, and the letters would remain forever unsent. She wasn’t sure how she felt about him, and writing was the only thing that helped. There were dozens of torn up, angry letters at him, filled with cries of ‘how could you’ and ‘I trusted you’ and ‘you want me dead’. Then there were the ones stained with tears, with pleas for his safe return to her, begging for forgiveness, and the admittance of his necessity to her.

James found the letters in her room one day, and Lily couldn’t explain it, they spent that night burning the letters in the fire. Trying to erase Lily’s shame as she cried. Lily felt vulnerable, but she didn’t care. If there was one person she could trust enough to be vulnerable, it was James.

Lily thought she might die for Regulus. That he might kill her one day, and that she would let him. But then she would look at James, and though she might die for Regulus, she would fight to live for James. The boy who shined brighter than the sun, whose smile could melt her frigid heart. He was possibly the one boy who saw her beauty from the start, who was never deterred, and if there was one thing that Lily and James were certain of, it was their love for each other. They threw the letters one by one in the fire. Letting the heartfelt emotions crumble to ash before their eyes, destroying all evidence of their treacherous deeds of loving a boy cold as ice and distant as the stars.

Chapter Text

James and Sirius boarded the train like they ruled the entire school. James wore his shiny new ‘headboy’ badge with a wide grin on his face. He was less proud of himself though than he was of his girlfriend. Whenever anyone asked James about being headboy he would respond with “Yeah, I am. Lily’s headgirl, though, best one we’ve ever had.”

Sirius dragged James out of the hallway and into an empty compartment in an attempt to get James to stop bragging about Lily for five seconds. Lily followed them, laughing hysterically at Sirius’ pouting face.

“Biggest one yet!” Marlene stormed into the compartment, Pete was right behind her, scribbling furiously in a notebook, “Slytherins want in this year, and apparently they’re all loaded!” Marlene slammed down a heft sack of galleons.

“You’re taking bets again? After McGonagall gave you all that detention?” Lily asked, stunned.

Marlene nodded, “Look how much I’m gonna make this year, it’ll be worth it.”

“They’ll make you return the money.” Lily pointed out.

Marlene shrugged, “They’ll have to rip it from my cold, deal fingers.” She bit down on the gold galleon, “Ow, that hurts more than the movies make it look.”

“Since when do you watch movies, thought only muggles did that.” Lily laughed.

Marlene shrugged, “Spent time hiding at my grandparents, dad’s parents, the muggle ones. Mum wanted me as far from the war as possible this summer. Wasn’t allowed to fight.”

“Dumbledore asked you to?” Peter questioned.

Marlene nodded, “Thought he asked all the Gryffindors.”

Peter shook his head, “Not me.”

Lily cut in, trying to save Peter’s ego, “He didn’t ask Mary either.”

“Let’s not talk about the war.” Sirius groaned, “Let’s talk about something happier than that non-sense.”

James laughed, “Oh yes, Sirius Black, king of happiness and all things hopeful.”

“I can be a moody git if you want, Prongs.” Sirius sassed. “But I figured that Evans does that enough for the lot of us.”

Lily feigned deep offense, “Since James and I started snogging, you’ve been right awful to me!”

“No!” Sirius insisted, “Since you’ve begun snogging my brother, I’ve been a right git to you.”

“Oh, so you’re okay with this?” Lily asked as she went and kissed James right on the lips. James grasped her hair, pulling her in tighter, until a shoe was thrown at both of their heads. “Ow!”

They turned to look where it came from, it was not from Sirius, it was from the doorway, where Remus Lupin stood, now missing his left shoe. “Do that on your own time!” He gruffed, his limp was more pronounced than it had been before the summer. He used a cane to try and stabilize himself. Lily sprang off of James Potter, who was still blushing profusely, and ran to Remus, nearly tackling him in a hug, until Sirius pried her off of Remus so he could greet his boyfriend.

“Remus! I’ve missed you!” Lily cried. “You’ve been gone all summer.”

Remus shrugged, “Yeah, suppose I have.”

The carriage got quiet, in the quiet one could hear small choked back sobs. Sirius was crying quietly as he clung to Remus, like he was scared that Remus had died. Then it hit Lily, she had been so wrapped up in herself, and James and Regulus, that she hadn’t worried about a single one of her friends over the summer. She had assumed they’d be okay. Afterall, Remus was the best of any of them at Defense, but it didn’t make the missions any less dangerous, and not a soul but Remus and Dumbledore knew where he had been over the past summer.

Lily looked on as Sirius had a death grip on Remus, tears soaking into Remus’ sweater. Remus wouldn’t cry, he wouldn’t allow himself to. As Lily looked at his face she noticed the fresh cuts, the scars along his neck and hands. He’d had a rough summer at best. But no one knew where he had gone. Remus had utterly disappeared, and he wouldn’t say where he had gone.

“Umm, am I interrupting something?” Mary asked, as she awkwardly tried to squeeze between Remus and the doorway to enter the compartment. “What the fuck happened this Summer?” Everyone began answering Mary at once in an overlapping cacophony of voices, and she instantly regretted asking the question. “Christ, you’re all mental, one at a time.”

Lily answered with a shrug, “Didn’t miss much, just the war.”

“Still happening then?” Mary asked, and James gave her an incredulous look. “Knock that off, been gone for three months, not like I have access to the prophet back home.”

Peter sighed before pulling a copy of The Daily Prophet out of his bag, “For you, Macdonald.”

“Thank you, Pete!” She exclaimed, “At least someone cares.” It only took her reading the headline for the smile to drop from her face. “We’re losing?” Mary asked and she was met with wary looks and withdrawn faces. “Shit.”

“Shit? That’s all you’ve got to say? It’s not a fucking quidditch match, Macdonald.” James scoffed at her.

“Sorry, would it do you good for me to burst into tears, Potter?” Mary bit towards him, James shook his head. “Then I can react like I damn well please.”

“You’re not even fighting.” James mumbled.

Mary looked James right in the eyes, “If you want to say something about it, then go ahead. But you’re not going to make me feel bad about not risking my life so that I might get the right to be alive.”

James withdrew slightly, “Sorry.”

Marlene interrupted them, “Enough of this, no fighting, no war. Sick of all of it. You guys want in on the bets?”

…

Lily practically had to drag Remus and James to the prefect meeting. The main issue of leading this meeting, was that James had never been to one and was now in a position of authority. It led to Lily doing the vast majority of the work, and James yelling at anyone who made snide comments towards Lily.

Lily was very capable of being in charge, she had been a prefect since fourth year, and she would argue she was the best in her year, despite her multiple spats and incident reports from hexing her peers. Her experience and confidence were the only thing that made it possible for the meeting to continue after Lily noticed that Regulus Black was not there. He was the sixth year Slytherin prefect and he was supposed to be there. Lily’s mind was reeling with questions about if Regulus was okay or not. The memories that he had spoken about not returning to school. Lily’s heart was racing, but she kept a pleasant smile on her face, and her words even, completely about the schedules for the rounds and the expectations for the new prefects. The express stopped, the meeting was over, but Lily didn’t leave the train. She stood there, staring plainly at the spot where Regulus should have been sitting.

“Lily?” James asked, Lily remained unresponsive for a moment. “Lily?” She couldn’t hear him. He grabbed her shoulder, shaking her lightly, “Dandelion, are you okay?”

Lily brushed him off, “I’m fine, James.” She insisted. “We um-” She paused, trying to re-orient herself, “We have to um- we need to organize the first years, alphabetically.”

“I can do it, if you’re not okay.”

“I’m fine.” Lily insisted, pushing her way out of the compartment and off of the train.

…

“He’s not here.” Lily commented amongst the cheers echoing through the great hall.

James sighed, “I know.”

“Where is he?” Lily asked very directly, in a stubborn and sharp tone of voice.

James exhaled hard enough that his nostrils flared. “If I knew, then he’d be here.” James insisted.

“James Fleamont Potter, if you’re hiding something from me-”

“I’m not!” James swore, “I’m not hiding anything.” Lily wasn’t quite sure as to whether or not she believed him.

Lily was growing more frantic by the second. The sorting ceremony was almost over, there was still no sign of Regulus. She rang her hands under her the table, trying to hide her nervous glances at the Slytherin table. James grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly in a gesture that was supposed to be soothing, and it might have been if Lily wasn’t extremely suspicious of him in the moment.

Marlene was furiously writing in her notebook, trying to keep track of bets, everyone was trying to hide their cheers this year in poor attempts not to be spotted by McGonagall and get shut down again. McGonagall pretended not to notice McKinnon’s ‘studying’ that was occurring at the Gryffindor table, likely in hopes to preserve school spirit.

The second that the last kid was sorted into Hufflepuff to cheers of applause, black smoke instantly filled the great hall before collecting in a mass in the air. They all thought it was a prank at first, and there was even some laughter. Until the mass of fog continued to move, obscuring everyone’s vision slightly before hanging about the students heads, forming the dark mark.

The hall was silent, just for a moment. The there were screams, kids were hiding under tables, the poor first years were looking around in shock and disbelief. Lily froze, staring at the same symbol that bore into Regulus’ arm. She felt her throat constrict tightly, and she thought she couldn’t breathe, she didn’t quite process the surge of adrenaline that began to course through her. Lily grabbed her wand, stood on the table, and began firing rapid spells at the symbol, trying to get it to disappear.

In an instant curses we’re flying across the Great Hall from the Slytherins to the Gryffindors and vice versa with the other houses caught in the hectic crossfire. The whole scene di not take very long at all, it hardly took a second before the first student dropped on the floor. The screaming and chaos continued, there was blood on the floor, and it was hard to tell which side was worse off.

Suddenly, everything stopped again, just as quickly as it had all started. The air cleared the mark gone without a trace aside from the horrid memories and nightmares the students would all have. In a grand motion, every single student’s wand shot up into the air before being dropped into a neat pile at Dumbledore’s feet.

“Everyone to their houses, now.” Dumbledore ordered, and students began filing out instantly from the sharp tone of voice. No one dared disobey or stay behind. The wounded students had been transported to the infirmary in a blink of an eye all the blood and gore gone with it.

Chapter Text

Lily’s mind raced. She had not seen Regulus Black and she wanted to look for him, she wanted to know if he had any involvement in the attack, but right now, she was stuck taking attendance of all the students of the Gryffindor common room. Lily checked names off the list one by one, and as she combed through the list one final time, only one person was missing, Mary Macdonald.

Lily went to find Marlene, she as pushing past the crowd to get to her when she was stopped by a first year that looked almost identical to Mary when she was eleven. They looked so similar that Lily might have mistaken them for sisters had she not known better.

“Miss Evans?” The first year asked.

“It’s just Lily.” Lily’s voice was quiet and dejected as she said it.

“Is this normal?” The girl asked, she was small, wide-eyed and with no doubt, a muggle-born.

Lily looked at the girl, her heart broke, Lily wasn’t really good with her own emotions, much less the emotions of a horrified child. Lily wasn’t quite sure what to say, “No, that hasn’t happened before.”

“Oh.” The first year nodded.

“What’s your name?” Lily asked.

“Aurora Sinistra.” The girl gave a weak smile.

Lily tried to smile, “You’re a muggle-born, aren’t you?” Aurora nodded. “I’m a muggle-born too. It’s scary at first, and there’s some things you should know, they’re not nice things.”

Aurora gave another cautious nod, “I heard people talking. I know it’s not a good thing, to be a mudblood.”

Lily shook her head, “You’re not a mudblood. Don’t let people call you that, you understand me?” Aurora did not understand the overtly passionate seventh year, “Your blood is not dirty, just different. So is mine, but it’s not dirty. You’re a muggle-born, and that is not a mudblood. So if someone calls you that, you tell me, and I’ll hex them or punch them in the face. Cause none of these so-called purebloods know how to throw a punch.”

Aurora smiled at Lily, “Thank you.”

Lily nodded, she was proud of herself, the kind of pride she rarely felt. “That symbol, the one from the great hall, stay away from it. Just trust me.” Aurora nodded and left the common room, heading up to her dorm.

Marlene entered the common room, and she just stood there for a moment. “Lils, have you seen Mary?”

Lily shook her head, “No. You haven’t?”

“You don’t think she’s dead, do you?” Marlene asked the question like it was some kind of joke.

“Marlene!” Lily nearly shrieked, “Don’t say things like that.”

Marlene shrugged, “I don’t want her to be dead, but we can’t pretend it’s not a possibility. People die, Lily. They die all the time.”

“I don’t know how you can be so casual about it, Mars.”

Marlene sighed, “Only because I know Mary won’t go down that easy. Not unless someone used an unforgivable, and the only one who would do that is your boyfriend.”

“He wouldn’t.” Lily gritted through her teeth, she paused for a moment to examine herself, finding her voice and mannerisms to be far too similar to Snape in that moment. Lily coughed, clearing her throat, “Regulus would never.”

“He already did. He used it against you.” Marlene replied with an air of carelessness. “I don’t think Mary’s dead, if it helps.”

“It doesn’t.” Lily shook her head, “You’re an ass sometimes.”

“I’m not going to lie to you. Come on, let’s get the room ready, least we could do for her.” Marlene and Lily went up to their dorm room.

The usual unpacking began, but it was far more solemn, and took much longer since the students had yet to have their wands returned. “Mary would be singing that stupid song right now, about the pie.”

“American Pie.” Lily corrected with a small smile on her face.

Marlene nodded, “That one. Hate that song. Gets on my nerves, but I like how happy it makes Mary. You can’t ever tell her that though.”

“Of course.” Lily agreed and she began humming. Lily looked at Marlene, really looked at her for the first time since they had arrived earlier that day. “Remember first year? You were so shy.”

Marlene laughed, “I was a nervous wreck. You scared me.”

“I scared you?”

Marlene nodded, “You and Mary, you were so confident, it rubbed off on me, I guess. Think it’s good though. I’m thankful for you Lily, I hope you know that. You’re one of my best friends.”

“You’re mine too.” Lily smiled. “Mary will be okay, right?”

“She better be, or I’ll kill her myself.” Marlene laughed. There was a brief moment where Marlene let her mask slip, let herself be scared and she asked, “We would have heard by now, right? If she had died. We would have heard by now.”

“Yeah.” Lily agreed. “We would have heard.” Lily was not sure of this, but it was the best that they had in the moment.

“Think it was Snape that hit her. He wouldn’t do anything too bad.” Marlene nodded to herself.

That brought Lily a sliver of comfort. Lily sunk into her bed, she opened a notebook, writing down every detail of the day. Then the question snuck into her head once more, where was Regulus Black.

…

Everyone’s mood was very strange the next morning, the students were quiet and avoiding each other at all costs. They woke up to their wands on their bedside tables. Lily had to go back to her room to get it, after sleeping in James’ dorm for the hundredth time. “James?”

“Yeah, Dandelion?” He was already ready for the morning, and though Lily considered herself to be a morning person, she was no match for James’ infamous five in the morning work-out routine.

“Regulus is missing.”

James sighed, “He’ll be okay. He’s always okay.”

“James, we were attacked last night.” Lily reminded him, as if he forgot, “You don’t think Regulus has anything to do with it? He’s a-”

“Lily!” James was stern, “Trust me, he had nothing to do with last night.”

Lily sighed, “James, what do you know?”

“What?” He asked.

Lily shook her head, “I know when you’re lying. I know when you’re hiding something from me.”

James bit his lip, ran his hand through his hair. “Lily, please.”

“Please what?”

James shook his head, “I can’t tell you.”

“Fine. Be like that.” Lily went to leave.

James sighed, then called after her, “I love you!”

Lily turned to face him once more before she left the room, “I love you too.”

…

Mary was back that morning, her usual smile was replaced with a sour look on her face. “First fucking day, get all my bones vanished from my legs, on the first day back. Skele-gro hurts like the dickens.” Mary sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast.

“That was it, kept me up all night worried about a jelly legs jinx?” Marlene scoffed, “Should have told me, you bitch. Thought you died.”

Mary shrugged, “I’m fine, think I got hit by a fourth year. Can you believe that? A fourth year, not even a Slytherin, they traced the wands back to who did it. Some stupid Hufflepuff’s spell ricocheted onto me.”

Lily smiled, “You’re okay, that’s all that matters.”

Mary laughed, “Makes the rest of us look bad! When you’re all happy-go-lucky. Come on Lils, call them a bitch.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “You’re alright now, I’m not calling anyone a bitch.”

“Come on Lils, call them bitch, you’re too good for us now that your headgirl?” Marlene jeered at her.

“Fine!” Lily relented, “How dare they hit you! That fucking bloody bitch!”

“Miss Evans!” McGonagall shrieked, “Detention!”

Lily sighed, turning behind her, “Sorry professor.” The second that McGonagall walked away, Mary and Marlene dissolved into fits of laughter.

…

Lily sat in Slughorn’s office, she wasn’t sure how to ask the question that she needed to ask him.

Lily smiled sweetly, “How are you, professor?”

“Lily, as much as I enjoy seeing you, you’re insulting my intelligence by pretending to be visiting just for pleasantries.” Slughorn smirked back at her, “What is it that you need?”

Lily slid over the pink slip of paper, “Technically, I’m here for detention. You can sign it for me and then I don’t have to serve it with Flitwick.”

Slughorn laughed at her, “What did you do?”

“Cussed, swear words, the whole nine yards.” Lily gave a sarcastic smile. “I think it’s fucking ridiculous.”

“Miss Evans! It does not appear you’ve learned your lesson. I’m still your professor, I can’t stop another professors disciplinary action.” Slughorn warned.

Lily pouted, “If you give me real detention, then I can’t help brew your potions this week or tutor your fifth years.”

Slughorn laughed as he signed the slip. He looked at Lily, “Spit it out, I can tell you have something to say. Besides begging to get out of detention.”

“It’s not begging.” Lily muttered, before getting it overwith, “The dark mark.” Lily brought up.

Slughorn shook his head, “A horrible thing. The whole mess is awful, Lily. Stay away from it, you hear me?”

Lily laughed, trying to lighten the mood, “I don’t quite have the option to stay out of it, professor. I’m a muggle-born.”

Slughorn sighed, “Yes. Of course.”

“You never wish to discuss the war.”

Slughorn shook his head, “Can you blame me? The whole thing is dreadful.”

Lily looked Slughorn in the eyes, “Have you picked a side, though?”

“My discussions with you suggest that I have. As does my continued employment at this school.”

Lily nodded, “I suppose so.” Lily bit her cheek in thought, “You know something, I can tell.”

Slughorn raised an eyebrow, “Lily, what is this about?”

Lily struggled to form the words, “Regulus Black, I haven’t seen him.”

“Ah, Regulus will be returning in a few weeks. His parents have already contacted me. He was not behind the attack, if that’s your fear.” Slughorn gave a small smile, but it did not comfort Lily.

“A few weeks?” Lily was in disbelief, “Is he alright?”

Slughorn did not look at Lily as he broke the news, “He’s in St. Mungo’s.”

“Why? Why is he-”

“I am not at liberty to say.” Slughorn was stern, “You’d have to ask him yourself.”

…

“James, grab your coat, we’re leaving.” Lily said as she rushed into his dorm room, she hardly gave him time to think.