Work Text:
What if you love someone you
Know you shouldn't love?
-My Dying Bride, “Love’s Intolerable Pain”
Erik hated needing help, but it couldn’t go on like this. After the mare had kicked him, he’d had trouble walking and putting weight on his right leg, which was less than ideal. He’d been limping through his duties in the barn for a couple days, but it wasn’t getting any better. It was time to call for Dr. Xavier.
There were several reasons Erik didn’t want a doctor to come around, but the biggest one was he was so awkward around Charles Xavier specifically. He was about Erik’s age, kind, well-spoken, and extremely handsome. All the servants had heard rumblings of a possible arrangement with the doctor’s family for him to be married to the Master’s oldest daughter, Moira. Erik knew it would be a good match, but it pained him every time he remembered.
Erik had never really felt as nervous and flustered around anyone as he did around Charles Xavier, and it was very disconcerting. Erik had always imagined this was what being in love felt like, and if he was in any of the romantic books and poems he’d read, he would be “pining.” And that was a frightening prospect…
As he waited for the doctor to arrive from town, Erik’s stomach was bubbling with anxiety. He didn’t know how to make these feelings go away. He knew that he could never voice them aloud; it would be disastrous… He’d asked God why he felt this way over and over again, but there had been no answer. Maybe it was some sort of punishment - loving someone you know you shouldn’t love and could never have.
Erik jumped at the sound of a knock, and he hobbled to the door. He took a deep breath before opening it to reveal Dr. Xavier, who smiled kindly at him from the grass.
“Erik Lehnsherr, I presume?” He said, and Erik nodded.
“Yessir, thank you for coming to see me. Please come in!” He led the doctor to his spartan quarters and sat down on the bed.
“So you’ve got some trouble with your leg, is that right?” Charles asked, taking a seat on a stool beside the bed. His eyes were so blue they almost seemed to glow, and Erik’s heart beat even faster.
“Yessir. A few days ago I was bringing the horses out to be shoed, and one of the mares got spooked and kicked me in the leg. Now it hurts to walk, and I can barely put my full weight on it without my knee buckling.”
“That’s no good! Let’s have a look, shall we?”
Erik nodded, lifting the leg of his trousers to show Dr. Xavier the large purple bruise on his shin. He held his breath and tried not to make any noise as the other man gently touched his leg. His heart was racing so fast he thought it would burst through his ribs, and he prayed that Charles wouldn’t notice. It hurt, especially when Charles pressed down on the area surrounding the bruise, but he tried to keep stoic.
“It feels like you have a slight fracture here,” Charles said, gesturing to a spot near the left edge of Erik’s bruise. “I know it must be really uncomfortable to walk on based on the area. But I’ll get you in a splint, and you’ll heal up nicely.”
“Okay, thank you,” Erik replied softly as the doctor rifled through his large black bag.
Charles advised Erik to try to rest and stay off his feet for at least a few days, but he acknowledged with a chuckle that it might be difficult given how demanding the MacTaggerts were about their horses.
“Don’t be afraid to send for me if you have any troubles, Erik,” the doctor added as he packed his things back into his bag. “I’ll come back in about 2 weeks to check on you.”
“Thank you, Dr. Xavier. How much do I owe you for the splint?”
“Please,” he replied with a grin. “Call me Charles, and don’t worry about any payment. It was no trouble.”
“A-are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“You’re very kind.”
“I try to be,” Charles said, patting Erik on the shoulder as he stood up.
Erik gingerly walked Dr. Xavier to the door and waved goodbye as he started his trek back to the village. His chest felt so tight that he had to remind himself to breathe as he sat back down on his bed. It was just a doctor’s visit, nothing more.
*****
“I’m sure!” Emma insisted as Erik shook his head in disbelief. “I heard Lady MacTaggert tell her chambermaid this morning!”
“It just seems so fast,” he replied, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “How could they prepare for a wedding in less than a month? Especially if his family is coming.”
“I’m sure they’ve been planning behind the scenes for a long time. I hope they don’t keep me in the kitchen for the ceremony. I wanna see everyone all dressed up!”
Erik nodded, feeling his heart sink deeper and deeper in his chest. He knew logically that he could never have Charles, and he’d tried to accept that. But this hurt more than Erik could have imagined. Someone else was going to live out the life he wanted so badly, and he had to watch it happen.
His leg had healed up quickly, just like the doctor said, and he’d gotten his cast off last week. Just in time to receive a stable full of the guests’ horses. Part of him wanted to avoid any sight of the wedding itself, but another part desperately wanted to see Charles. He knew it would cause him pain, but maybe it would be better to see what actually happened than to let his imagination run wild. Who really knew.
*****
Erik spent the morning and early afternoon of the wedding feeding and watering over a dozen strange horses, in addition to the MacTaggert’s full personal stables. He was dirty and covered in hay by the time he was done, and all he wanted to do was get out of the sun and hide in his room. But he knew he’d be out with the horses till at least midnight, as a few of the guests were only staying for the day.
Emma had been running him information throughout the day as she flitted around the property, and apparently Charles’ mother and stepfather were both fairly severe and cold, which Erik found surprising considering how kind Charles was. Maybe it was a reaction to them, who knew?
As Erik was rounding the corner of the barn, he collided with a man coming the opposite way and knocked him against the side of the building.
“Oh no! I’m so sorry, sir, please pardon me,” He stammered, and the man just laughed and stood back up.
“It’s quite alright,” Charles said with a smile. His eyes were watery and slightly red, and Erik immediately felt his heart squeeze in his chest.
“Are you okay?”
Charles shrugged, trying to seem put-together, but Erik could tell something was wrong.
“Forgive me for saying so, but you don’t look too happy to be getting married…” Erik said, immediately regretting it. “I’m so sorry, that was not my place. I’m sor-”
“No need to be sorry,” Charles replied, leaning against the wood of the barn. “You can say whatever you’d like, I promise. And you’re right. I’m not happy.”
“May I ask why?”
“You can, but I don’t really have a suitable answer.”
“Do you love Miss MacTaggert?”
“No.”
“Really?” Erik whispered, and Charles nodded. He looked exhausted and almost in pain as he said,
“It’s not for lack of trying to love her. She’s a wonderful woman, and I’m sure any other man would be lucky to have her. But I can’t love her, Erik. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t.”
“I know the feeling.”
Charles looked at him, out into the pasture, then back at Erik again.
“You do?”
“Mhm,” Erik nodded. “I’ve never loved a woman either.”
“Does that make us the same then?”
“Maybe…” Erik took a deep breath and tried to focus his dizzy mind.
“I don’t want to do this… I wish I could run away and never see any of these people again…” Charles sniffed, tears dripping down his cheeks. “This isn’t fair.”
“I know it’s not. I wish it could be.”
“What’s the point of life if I can never love anyone?”
“Who says you can’t love anyone?”
Erik smiled shyly at Charles, who looked at him with teary eyes.
“I want to be loved,” Charles said quietly, and Erik leaned over and kissed him. It was a quick, gentle, nervous kiss, but one nonetheless. The two men stood beside each other in a stunned silence for a minute before either one could say anything. Right as Charles was about to open his mouth, Emma rushed around the side of the barn.
“Dr. Xavier, we’ve been looking all over for you! The ceremony was supposed to start 20 minutes ago!” She exclaimed. “We’ve got to get you back to the manor at once.”
“A-alright,” he nodded, giving Erik a sad smile as Emma practically dragged him away. That was it. It was time for Charles to marry a woman he was incapable of loving and time for Erik to try to forget the pure joy he’d felt when he was kissing Charles. Maybe he could savor it for the rest of his life… Just maybe.