Chapter Text
A leap of faith.
It was always a leap of faith.
Every tough question asked, every sketchy plan made, every step into the unknown.
It always took a leap of faith.
You’d think after so many leaps it would get just a little fucking easier.
Miles sat at his desk with his sketchbook in front of him. The drawing on the page in front of him half complete, the subject what it always was these days. Spider-woman. Gwen Stacy. Not just the subject of his drawings but many of his thoughts, daydreams, and even several regular dreams at night as well. Ones he would never share with anyone, with the thought of one or two specific ones bringing a rush of blood to his face.
She often overtook his mind and body like a sickness, a plague, a disease, making his heart pound and his face sweat. Okay so it wasn’t exactly like a plague necessarily, but it was for sure getting worse and spreading more and more in his brain like a plague does. Actually, maybe more like a tumor. A parasite? Whatever. The metaphor doesn’t matter. The point is, he couldn’t rid her from his mind. Physically, she was gone most of the time these days but that just made things worse, ironically. The longer it took to see her the more desperate he got. He wonders if she knows what she’s done to him, how she affects him, with both her presence and her absence. God if she did know, he’d probably die of embarrassment, melting into a pool of web and teenage hormones.
He supposed it’s because he loves her. It’s a theory he came up with a while ago but he doesn’t think he’s been in love before so he can’t be 100% certain. But if it is love, is this what everyone in love goes through? If it is, it’s a miracle that anyone that's in love gets anything done with how distracted it made him. Well, he does still get his job as the “one and only” Spider-Man done. Matter of fact it’s the only time he can clear his mind. The threat of personal and societal harm can really get you focused. Like when he dealt with The Spot. Or when he saved his dad. That took focus. Just a little bit. All in a days work for Spider-Man though, right? But getting the girl? Nope, that shit took everything and more.
Last time he’d seen her they were taking turns throwing whacks and quips at an anomalous Rhino that had shown up on Earth-65 about a week ago. When they’d finally taken care of him, they had stopped for lunch. Sitting on the edge of a building looking out over the city side by side, he was drawn to her, feeling her body heat pulling him in like a vortex. “How’s your burger?” he asked, trying to distract himself from the very different type of hunger he was feeling at that moment. “Not bad, but I swear I told that guy at the counter no pickles” she replied.
“Want me to take revenge for you, set him straight?” he said while miming punches with a grin on his face. “Can’t have anyone disrespecting Gwanda, THE amazing Spider-Woman.”
“Nah I’ll let it slide just this once” she said after a short laugh. “And since when have I been the “Amazing” Spider-Woman?”
“Since always” he said before muttering “At least, you’ve always been amazing to me” while turning his head to look out over the city.
“What was that last part?”
“Hm? Oh. Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
Miles continued to stare out over the city. If he had decided to look at Gwen, he’d have noticed a blush creeping onto her cheeks and a shy smile forming on her lips. “Well, looks like its time for me to make like a banana and get the fuck outta here” he huffed while getting to his feet after they had finished eating. Gwen burst out laughing. “Is that a new Spider-Boy quip? Cause that’s gonna need some workshopping” she teased with a smile. Miles puffed out his chest with exaggeration and boasted out “That’s Spider-MAN to you” sarcastically. “Whatever, just make sure you come up with some better lines than that for your next baddie” she quipped. “Will do Gwanda. I’ll see you later?” he half stated, half asked with a raised eyebrow. “Yeah, see you Miles” she said, a hint of sadness in her voice even as she had a smile on her face. Miles waved as he fell back into the portal to his Earth, with a longing in his heart before he had even fully left her presence.
They had gotten into a bit of a routine, if a little uneasily, of meeting up to deal with anomalies on each other’s or one of the other “Spider-Crew’s” Earths and spending time together afterwards. It didn’t take much to convince him to show up to one of these events whenever she was involved. If he always wanted to spend time with her, and she didn’t seem to mind spending more time with him, then what was stopping him from taking the next step? Miles had asked himself this a few times despite knowing the answer. Fear. It wasn’t fear of rejection… well at least not just fear of rejection alone. It was betrayal. Betrayal opened a rift between two people like a scalpel slashing open an incision that would leave a scar for years to come. You could heal from it, sure. Even getting better than you ever were before the cut, in some ways. But the scar would remain. A reminder of a deep, painful, and raw wound that set fire to his nerves all at once. It drowned him, at times, like a pit of quicksand. Pulling him down into a dark spiral.
His mother told him to never let anyone make you feel like you don’t belong, like you don’t deserve to be where you are. Gwen hadn’t said that to him in those words, but she knew that Miguel and the others thought that way about him. That he’d never be a real Spider-Man or a real hero. That he was, at best, a virus to be quarantined away from his Earth so that he didn't ruin it. That he shouldn’t be a part of the only place that a spider-person like him could ever feel like they belonged. He had figured it out, of course. He showed them that his mother was right. He did belong and he did deserve to be called Spider-Man. And that he was, in fact, a hero. Because he did what was right. He tried to do both and he succeeded. He was a damn hero, and no one could tell him otherwise.
So why? Why did it still hurt so fucking much?
Remembering the way Gwen avoided his eyes when he pleaded with her and the rest of Spider Society to help him save his dad or to at least let him try by himself. Telling them he could do it because he was Spider-Man and Spider-Man always tried to do both. And they didn’t let him. Because they didn’t believe he was or deserved to be Spider-Man. She didn’t believe in him. And out of all of the hundreds of Spiders in that building, that had hurt the most. Because she knew him and she knew what he was capable of. And she still thought that it wasn’t enough to pull it off. Because he was never supposed to exist.
Miles wiped the tears from his cheeks and ripped the waterlogged page out from his sketchbook and tossed it in the bin by his desk. The hole he felt growing in his chest was making it hard to breathe. He put his head down on his desk and took a deep, shuddering breath as he heard his heart pounding in his ears. Gwen had apologized, of course. With tears in her eyes just like he had now and with genuine regret and sadness in her voice. She begged him for forgiveness and after some time thinking about it, he had given it to her. She deserved it, after all. With the whirlwind of information she had been given about him, the Spiderverse and Spider Society along with the emotional weight on her from the encounter she had with her dad, it was a miracle she was still functioning enough to fight crime and anomalies. It didn’t excuse what she did, but it came close enough.
He couldn’t have stopped himself from forgiving her either way, though. Especially not after Hobie had shown up one day and told him what a mess she was.
“She ain’t sleepin’ much and I ain’t gonna cherry pie to ya Miles, she misses you but she don’t think she deserves to.”
“So, what, am I just supposed to forget that she took Miguel’s side? That she thought I was a loser?”
“Miles, she don’t think that. She never did and you know it.” Hobie sighed before saying “Listen, believe what you want Miles, but I’ve never seen ‘er more determined than when she and the rest of us were comin’ to Earth-42 to try and save you.”
“Fine, whatever.”
“Whatever? Come off it Miles, use that lump o’ yours and think for a second about what it took for ‘er to get everyone on your side. To convince them to come with ‘er. You think she woulda done that if she ain’t care about you? Or think that you were worth it?”
When Miles didn’t respond after a minute or so, Hobie sighed again and said “Jus’ take some time and think about it mate. Imma grab a jack dee from your kitchen and get back to my place.”
With that, Hobie got up, walked into the kitchen of the apartment, and started making himself a cup of tea. Miles stewed over what he had just been told for a while before asking, “Does she really care that much about me?” quietly.
“You’re askin’ the wrong Spider, mate” Hobie said after a beat as he looked up from his cup. “If you want answers, they’re just a tap on your watch away. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go link up with the mandem over a kitchen sink.”
“Didn’t you just have a cup of tea?”
“Yeah? What of it?” Hobie challenged, as he stepped towards the portal back to his Earth.
“Uh, nothing, I guess. Bye Hobie. And, uh, thanks”
Hobie just nodded his head upwards and finished walking through the portal after saying “Laters!” with a smile on his face.
After that, Miles resolved himself to have a real, genuine conversation with Gwen. To understand what she went through. And why things went the way they did.
And boy was that shit hard too.