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Elzar Mann had always liked to dance, especially when he could do it together with Avar Kriss.
The warmth of her fingers intertwining with his, her melodious laughter, and the smile that spread across her lips when he missed a few steps amused him.
Or at least it had been so until that moment.
Now, as he gripped Avar’s hands and her soft, joyful glance met his, he felt only a constant, incomprehensible turmoil. His palms kept sweating and his throat was unnaturally dry, making it difficult to concentrate.
With his arm, he accompanied Avar’s twirl to the rhythm of the music. Her long blond hair, strangely loose, twirled along with her, inebriating him with its fruity smell.
A smell he had always liked.
Now, however, that smell only caused him a strange pain in the mouth of his stomach, which sharpened as soon as Avar laughed, as she messed with her feet and almost lost her balance.
Her hands rested on his chest for a moment, to recover stability, before grabbing Elzar’s again, who gasped.
“There are too many people,” he said hastily, as he dismissed the girl’s wondering look and restarted dancing, with the music coming oddly muffled to his ears.
In fact, it was no lie. The courtyard of the palace of Fryen was full and the noise of voices and laughter covered the sound of music, played by a small band of rhodians.
People from all corners of the capital had come to celebrate the harvest.
The Jedi's quick response had saved much of the infected grain, even allowing a cure to be synthesized.
The mission had gone without a hitch. No Hutts, bounty hunters or powerful-hungry corporations were in the way but a small bacteria, brought from some prospector's ship, that had threatened the crop.
Just enough time to help the small planet's medical corps produce the vaccine on a large scale and they would soon be on the move again.
If only it were not for the strong, persistent, stomachache Elzar had throughout the mission.
At first, he had blamed on the small planet's atmosphere, too humid and rarefied for someone used to Coruscant's artificial climate, then on the bacteria, but there was no evidence that it somehow transferred to humans.
Elzar cast a fleeting glance at Avar, who was now leading him on the dance floor to the beat of slow but no less cheerful music.
He had actually felt something similar before their mission. If he tried to be honest with himself, he might have realized that this sickness had now been haunting him for months maybe.
But Elzar Mann was very good at lying to himself, so he buried that voice that whispered "you like her" to him for months in a deep and distant corner of his heart. Even then, he buried it again when Avar Kriss smiled at him.
At that moment, he thought he was going to drown. Therefore, he did the only thing he could think of: he quickly excused himself adducing the annoyance caused by the confusion, and, under Avar's wondering look, he slipped away into the crowd, looking for some air.
Elzar had walked away toward the gardens, going quickly under the arcade lighted by many tiny lanterns.
While walking, he had stolen from a waiter's silver plate a glass. The idea of drinking it, however, had not been the most pleasant.
What was most likely some of the strongest liquor that had passed through his hands had only scratched his already dry throat and almost made him tear up. Not the best of ways to catch his breath.
Elzar coughed in disgust and abandoned the half-empty glass on the ornamental balcony that separated the tall columns surrounding the palace's perimeter. He sighed, stretching the annoying collar of his golden temple robes, which had been causing him itching all the night
Then, he seated himself on the balustrade, gazing at the view that loomed below the slopes of the small hill on which the castle stood: immense stretches of lights silhouetted along the plain below and traced the way to the city, creating an illuminated map to Elzar's eyes.
The cool breeze coming from the city seemed to calm him, clearing his thoughts. If he wanted to be discrete with Avar, he had definitely failed that night.
He had tried to hide his feelings for her as best he could, even from himself, until he had somatised them. There were days -days like that- when being close to her became very tricky.
He had even thought of talking to Master Quarry, but the fear of being parted had blocked him. He did not want to be separated from her. No matter how he felt, Avar was important to him in a way that love alone could not explain.
A Jedi might not have such an important person in his life, but was it really right to separate himself from what made him a better person? Elzar did not have an answer.
He sat there for a few minutes, with his legs swinging in the air. The sound of music, which came muffled because of the distance, was covered by the children's cheerful laughter.
As a hand unexpectedly touched his shoulder, it was only his prompt Jedi reflexes that kept him from falling into the void in shock. He turned his head, meeting Avar’s perplexed gaze.
She had hastily withdrawn her hand from his shoulder and was now clutching it in hers, almost as if she had been scalded.
And maybe Elzar was really burning up, probably due to the embarrassment of finding himself so awkward in front of her.
They looked at each other for a brief moment and then Avar let her arms drop to her sides, sitting on the balcony next to him but on the opposite side, with her feet firmly on the ground.
Elzar heard her sigh as she leaned her shoulder against his own. He was not surprised that Avar sought physical contact with him. It was something she did often. There was no embarrassment and there wasn't a particular reason, sometimes it just seemed right to lean against each other's shoulder for a bit of a rest or simply intertwine their hands to meditate together.
“Did you calm down?" Avar's gentle voice floated in his ears, causing a thrill down his spine.
"I..." tried to say Elzar, but the fire in his throat made it impossible for him to speak. He let his gaze wander over Avar's figure, placidly lying by his side. A slight breeze made her hair move, and tickled Elzar's face.
"I am not feeling well" he tried to justify himself, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck and hiding his embarrassment behind a casual shrug, "that's all."
Avar knew he was lying. Her glance wandered to him, pausing on his eyes. Elzar shifted his gaze away and gently pulled away from her, unable to sustain the physical contact. He closed his eyes and wondered if there was some kind of Force teleportation that could get him out of that situation.
From the corner of his eye, he watched as Avar frowned and lowered her gaze to her lap, where her hands moved almost restlessly.
"I'm so sorry," she had almost murmured to him, to the point Elzar wondered if he had actually heard what he was thinking.
However, she did, because Avar was now torturing her palms with her nails, as she often did when she felt guilty about something -someone- , or when she was unable to deal with what she was feeling.
A habit she had recently developed, as much as Elzar could remember.
"It's not your fault," he tried to dismiss it, grabbing one of her hands with his and bringing it to his own lap, to save it from that torture.
An unsuccessful attempt, because that touch had reawakened in him that agitation from which he had previously tried to escape. Avar, despite Elzar's uncertain hands, had not retracted, but had let her hand rest between Elzar's palms.
This was not the first time he had held her hand. There had been countless times and reasons for which those hands had been together: meditation, fighting, dancing. But they had never been as complicated to squeeze as they were then.
"You're a liar," she had told, not even looking him in the eye, but concentrating on the now reddened palm of her free hand. Avar's voice was filled with a feeling that Elzar was struggling to explain: was that maybe disappointment, with a hint of amusement?
"I will never lie to you, Avar". And it was true, he would never do that to her.
“You're not lying to me,' she said, seeking his eyes again.
“I...” Elzar watched her pondering for a few seconds, for the first time uncertain whether to continue or not.
“I already know how you feel. You don't need to tell me. Perhaps you should confess what you feel to yourself.
Incredibly, after months Elzar finally felt relieved.
She knew.
He gasped, as if he had breathed again after a long - very long - apnoea and had once again been able to rise to the water's surface. Not that he had words to answer her, but at least he could now sustain her gaze.
A small, uncertain smile opened on Avar's lips as they briefly re-established eye contact. He felt as if he were floating now.
Avar twisted her Padawan braid between her fingers a few times before speaking, her gaze suddenly low and clouded by a thread of embarrassment, as Elzar had never seen before
"You think I don't sense what you feel? I feel almost everything about you and..."
"Why have you never told me anything?" Elzar blocked her. Now, he was stuttering and his voice had come out maybe a little louder than it should be.
"I..." she tried to justify herself, placing his hands in front of him.
She took a long breath, pondering each word. Elzar had the impression that Avar, for the first time, felt as if she had no opportunity to make a mistake. Had he been in a different state of mind, he would certainly have calmed her through the Force.
“I'm sorry I didn't say anything before, but...” she continued, again twisting the long blond braid between her fingers.
Elzar felt an instinctive tenderness towards her, for he had never seen her so uncertain, almost fragile. For a moment he was happy that she also shared his same uncertainties, insecurities. But then the happiness was overwhelmed by something different, unexpected.
"El, I have feelings for you too."
Elzar's heart jumped in his chest so hard, making so much noise, that Avar turned towards him. Her face was flushed a soft pink, he never had seen her so embarrassed. An embarrassment that dissipated into feeble laughter the more Elzar's confusion grew.
“You were so bothered by your own feelings, you ignored mine until this moment, didn't you?" as she spoke, Avar let her hand rest on Elzar's chest, on his racing heart. Istinctively, Elzar covered her with his own.
Elzar was sure that Avar's gaze in that moment mirrored his own. Their dark eyes - as deep as the ocean - hid secrets dear to their hearts, but showed on the outside the tormented feeling they harboured .
If only he had had the courage to look her in the eye first. All those months trying to escape, hiding what he felt to the point of feeling the pain, never really thinking about her and her feelings.
Perhaps if he had let her close to his heart he would have heard in her song what she had heard in the roaring of the sea.
Love, trust, loyalty.
Love that could be felt in the way his song overcame every other note in the song of the Force that Avar constantly heard
Even in utter silence, your song would reach me. Even in the chaos, I would hear you.
For a moment he wondered if he had gone insane, as those words that had been flowing through the Force kept repeating incessantly deep inside him, mixed with a song he had already heard so many times before.
He heard it now. He could hear it because Avar was the one who wanted him to hear and because, finally, he had let the wall created over the previous months fall, under the weight of something stronger than fear: love.
“I didn't want to lose you, Avar" he wanted to scream, losing any shred of dignity he had. But all that came out of his mouth was a faint choked whisper, which contracted his stomach again.
That was what had terrified him until that moment.
Not the Jedi Order, not being separated, not his Master or their duties. It was her.
A refusal from Avar would perhaps break him. Being pulled away from her terrified him more than being separated.
If they were separated, they would fight and be reunited sooner or later, he knew that. He was certain.
He would always find her again, he felt it, it was the Force itself telling him.
"There is no reason for you to lose me," she replied, caressing his red cheek, "because I could never bear to lose you too”.
Ezlar felt as if he were going out into unknown and unnavigable waters. But Avar's hand squeezed his again as if she sensed - and she certainly did - his unease.
Her dark, beautiful eyes reflected the lantern lights around them, brightening, and Elzar finally felt as if he had seen a beacon in the middle of that sea.
No more dark waves lapping and dragging him, but a pleasant current that lulled him instead.
That was not a crush, not something Elzar could hide in the back of his mind and pull out at his leisure. it wasn't even love, or at least not just love. Maybe Avar was a sentiment too, which had no word to be described, but that had been beating in his heart for years now.
He moved a blond strand to reveal her face, placing it behind his ear. Avar's eyes closed as she rested her cheek against his hand.
He had never noticed how soft she was. Perhaps he had never even had the chance to touch her so intimately.
“So? Would you like to kiss me?" Avar whispered, so close to his face, to his lips.
His heart beat so loudly that he could not hear any other sound but Avar's agitated breathing and the rustling of her robes as she shifted her weight towards him, waiting for an answer.
There was only her at that moment. Only her and the melodious sound of the sea.
He felt his heart pounding and his throat becoming dry as he closed his eyes and lowered himself onto her lips.
In his head he imagined the taste of those lips, imagined their softness. He wondered how Avar would respond to the kiss: frantic, embarrassed or curious?
The space that separated him from her lips became the longest moment of his life.
A moment, however, that was intended to last, because Avar pulled away as soon as her comlink sounded. A few seconds later, Elzar heard his ring as well.
It was Avar who retracted first. Her cheeks were still red with embarrassment and her eyes glazed over. She looked one last time at Elzar before she cleared her throat and regained the composure to answer.
"Avar, where are you?"
Elzar recognised the calm, but disturbed, voice of Master Maota. He stood for a few seconds observing Avar, before the girl brought him back to reality by pointing to the comlink on his arm that continued, incessantly, to ring.
As if awoken from a long meditation, he quickly climbed down from the small balustrade on which he was sitting and walked a few meters away from her. Without paying attention to the state he was in, he answered the call,
"What trouble have you gone to?" Stellan's voice came loud and clear to his ears.
Elzar sighed in relief.
If he had been his Master, he would not have had the same coldness as Avar, who few meters further on was placidly talking and almost smiling at his Master. But he could not hear their conversations.
"El?" Stellan's curious voice shook him again. He had once again become fascinated staring at her, kriff.
“I was getting some air in the garden. I don't know how you manage to stand in the crowd” he replied, trying to mask the shortness of breath he still had with a bold and playful tone.
There were a few seconds of silence, in which Elzar doubted he had sounded too convincing, but he could never have told Stellan.
For a moment his mind flashed towards the consequences of that confession, but those thoughts were swept away by his friend's voice.
"Yes... yes, there are a lot of people," he replied almost thoughtfully, as his voice was drowned out by the music that continued to play in the distance.
"But you have to go back inside. You and Avar. The representatives of Fryen want to talk to us all" Stellan pointed out, in a tone that made Elzar imagine the mocking face behind his comlink, halfway between annoyed and the old sanctimonious man he was.
“Uum, yes yes. We'll be there in a few minutes” he replied, immediately ending the communication.
Elzar sighed, rolling his eyes. He would have to find a way to cover all that whirlwind of emotions he was feeling at that moment, just hoping Stellan wouldn't ask too many questions.
He cast a glance at Avar, still sitting on the balustrade, who bent her head in his direction and smiled back.
The cheeks of both of them were still covered with a haze of embarrassment and their eyes, when they met, still looked expectantly at each other's lips. Elzar had almost thought of leaving a fleeting kiss on her lips....
“I think we should postpone our romantic little convo,' Avar whispered, reaching for the hand Elzar had brought to her to reach down.
She did not release it immediately, instead, she brought it in front of her face and placed it on her cheek. A tender, intimate gesture.
Avar closed her eyes and smiled, letting out a long breath.
Elzar wondered if she, too, had only just begun to breathe again now.
It is because of you.
She had not spoken -there had been no need-, the words had flowed through him like a realization
Perhaps they should have talked about the consequences.
Perhaps they should have considered the burden of their feelings.
But at that moment, as Avar let their still joined hands slide down her sides and gently pulled him to walk with her, there was no time or space for the future.
They would come to terms with the pain when it was needed.
Now, their future was only to be written and his heart was already beating faster than it would have if he had kissed her.