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Dabi only returned twice to his home, once to apologise to his family and tell them what happened to him – that he was in a coma and couldn't come home for three years – he wanted to be a better son and a better brother, but he left when he found that nothing had changed.
The second time he returned home to the Todoroki estate, was to take his phone. It was a rash, foolish decision, and he didn't know why he did it, but he did it.
He saw the shrine in his room, and blood ran down from the scars under his eyes as he stared at his picture.
He wanted to stay, but –
He ran away from the Todoroki estate again.
**********
Dabi never liked Shoto.
He hated his brother for taking his place, for being the perfect creation in their father's eyes.
He hated him for having the perfect quirk while he was flawed, cursed and trapped in this weak, frail body.
He hated him for taking their parents' love away from him.
But his heart always hurt when he saw him cry and when he tried to have comfort from his siblings, but no one gave him.
He hated Shoto so much, but he brought him a phone to check on him when everyone thought that both of them were asleep.
A little part of him wanted to help his brother , but he couldn't.
Dabi looked at the phone in his drawer – Its screen was cracked, and it was an old version that he knew no one in Japan was using.
A few moments passed, then Dabi took it out from the drawer, and nervously, he pressed the power button.
He didn't know why his hands were shaking as he waited for the phone to open.
Stupid, stupid – he kept repeating in his chest. Why was his heart beating so fast in his chest?
As soon as the phone opened, it began to vibrate intensely, almost as if it was bursting with anticipation.
That means –
His heart beat more rapidly in his chest, and with trembling hands, after the vibrations stopped, he unlocked the phone.
As the lock screen faded away, Dabi could see hundreds of messages, and they were only from one person
Shoto.
They were from Shoto.
A shaky breath came out of Dabi as he settled on the floor. He scrolled to the first message to know how long Shoto had been sending these messages. Some of them were voice messages because Shoto was still young, and he didn't know how to type properly.
(Please, don't leave me like mama) — it was whispered in a small shaky tone. Shoto's voice was thick with tears.
The message was on the day he burned on Seketo Peak.
(When you are coming back, Nii-San?)
Dabi kept listening to Shoto's young voice and reading his messages. His heart breaking with every moment passing.
(Touya-nii, I don't want to be alone.)
(Papa hurt me today, Nii-San. He said I am not strong enough to beat All-Might.)
(It hurts, Touya-Nii – Shoto choked on a sob, and he tried to muffle the other sobs that followed it, but he failed.)
Tears of blood ran down from under Dabi's eyes.
(I miss you, Nii-san.)
(You won't come back like mama?)
Dabi thought that everyone had forgotten him, but Shoto was still sending these messages as if Dabi would respond.
(I saw Yumi-chan and Natsu-nii today, but they didn't play with me like you used to do.)
(Do you think they would bring me sweets, if I asked them?)
(I feel so lonely, Nii-San. I miss you.)
Dabi closed his eyes as he listened to all the messages. He didn't want to miss any of them.
(Training today hurt, Nii-San, because I refused to use my fire quirk. I don't want to be like papa.)
You are nothing like him – Dabi wanted to say.
(I hate papa so much.)
(I hate him, Nii-San – Shoto tried to muffle his cries like how they used to do because he didn't want his father to hurt him.)
Dabi didn't know why it hurt so much. He didn't care about Shoto. He hated him, and because of him, Touya died, but as he listened to Shoto's messages and read them, he couldn't think about anything except returning back to the Todoroki estate and taking his brother away.
(I had a nightmare, Touya. – he whispered. I am scared, Nii-San. Can you come and hug me, please?)
(Fuyumi was sad today because I told her I wanted to be with you, Touya. Why can't I be with you? I want us to be together, so you can make the hurt go away.)
(Can I be with you, Nii-San? Or do you not want me like Natuo and Yumii?)
Dabi hated Shoto.
But with every message he read and listened to, his hatred lessened.
The first sob took him off guard, clawing its way out of his throat with a force he couldn’t anticipate. He pressed a palm against his lips to muffle the pathetic noise and to stop himself from sobbing, but he failed miserably as sobs wracked his body. He buried his head in his knees, trying to calm himself, but nothing was working.
He didn’t know how long he cried until his throat was hoarse and his mouth parched, and the blood dried on his face. But as soon as he stopped, Dabi felt nothing as he stared at the wall in front of him. The phone was still clutched in his hand as if it was the most precious thing to him in the world.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. Why did Shoto have to send these messages?
Touya died on the day he burned at Seketo Peak, and Dabi was born from his ashes, with nothing except killing Endeavor and Shoto on his mind –
But today, Touya became alive today.
The sound of vibration cut through the silence that enveloped the room. Dabi hastily opened the phone and found a new message from Shoto.
(I got accepted at U.A., Touya-Nii. I will be a hero for you and mama.)
Dabi stared at the message for a few moments until a new one came –
(I miss you, Touya-Nii.)
**********
Dabi joined a group called the League of Villains. They were the only way for Dabi to kill Endeavor and destroy this rotten society.
Dabi didn't want to kill Shoto anymore.
He didn't hate Shoto anymore.
The leader, Shigaraki Tomura, was like a child throwing tantrums when things didn't go as he planned. The bastard wanted to dust him the first time he saw him, so Dabi hated him so much. Additionally, he attacked Shoto's class – So, Shigaraki Tomura wasn't his favourite person.
He didn't interact with the other league members except for Toga because she refused to leave his side, declaring that he was like her big brother, who she never had. And maybe because he missed his siblings and heard Shoto's old and new messages every day, he treated her as his little sister.
Despite joining the league, Dabi spent most of his time in his apartment alone. Even though they invited him to stay in the hideout, Dabi cherished being alone.
Sometimes he hated being alone.
He opened his old phone and couldn't stop the smile that appeared on his face at Shoto's message – even after all these years without any response, Shoto was sending him messages and voicemails. He told him everything happened on his days and that he couldn't imagine he would make friends.
(Is it okay to have friends, Touya-Nii? Won't they be a distraction?)
Dabi wanted to tell him to have friends. He wanted him to live his life and experience everything Endeavor had prohibited him from doing, but Dabi couldn't respond to his messages.
Touya was supposed to be dead.
He read the messages over and over again until he memorised them, even the unimportant messages that Shoto sent him, like he found a stray cat and he wanted to take it to U.A., not home. And that cold soba is better than hot soba, which made Dabi almost send him a message to correct him – Shoto really has an absurd taste.
Dabi was afraid that Shoto would hate him when he discovered that he was alive and his brother would stop messaging him, but he took comfort in knowing that he would be dead with their father before Shoto saw him again.
(Do you think I will win at the sports festival? – Shoto sent this to him.)
Yes, you will, Shoto. – Dabi wanted to say. You will be a great hero, Otouto.
"I am sorry for leaving you." – he whispered, and he wanted Shoto to hear him.
**********
Shoto didn't win the first place, but he used his fire quirk, and Dabi was proud of him.
(I was afraid when Dad shouted at me to use my fire, but Midoriya told me it's not his quirk; it's mine. I used it, Touya-Nii, but I swear I won't use it to hurt anyone.)
(Did you see me from the sky, Nii-San?)
(I wished you were there.)
Touya was so proud of him.
Then he saw him for the first time in a long time ago. He looked the same , little Shoto, his baby brother , and his heart hurt at the burn mark around his eye.
How sad, Todoroki Shoto.
His brother's eyes widened at hearing his name, and Dabi wanted to take him instead of Bakugo. He wanted to protect him–
But he left his brother alone.
(I failed to help Bakugo, Touya-Nii. He was in front of me, and I couldn't save him. – Shoto was crying in the voicemail he sent. He sounded so broken and afraid.)
He talked about being a failure and that he wouldn't be a good hero, but he never talked about recognising Dabi as his brother.
He only called him a villain.
**********
(Bakugo is back and not harmed, Nii-San.)
Dabi didn't care about Bakugo. He was angry that they had lost against the heroes, and he was unconscious through the whole fight. Pathetic, pathetic.
(I will be better, Touya-Nii. I promise I will be better.)
Dabi didn't want to listen to any other messages, but he couldn't stop –
His hatred for his brother didn't come back.
(They are keeping us in the dorms. I am happy I'm away from dad. He was so angry when he spoke to me the last time.)
(Am I weak for still being afraid of him?)
"No, you are not weak, Shoto. I swear I will kill him." – Dabi said to no one . His hatred for Endeavor increased with each day passing, but he had to wait for the right time to kill him.
And he would die with him.
**********
Magne is dead – he deleted the message before he sent it.
He didn't know that they mattered to him, but Magne, who acted like their big sister to them to him, was dead, and Dabi wasn't there when she died.
He didn't know when the League of Villains members made themselves a place in his cold heart. He didn't know why he cared about them.
But it hurt so much after they lost Magne. I am sorry I failed you too – he wanted to tell her, but she was gone and would never come back again.
(Hey, Touya-Nii. I am looking up at the stars, and I hope you are there looking at me.)
(Today was a good day, I still miss you.)
He listened to Shoto's voice as he told him everything he did today.
It hurt so much, Otōto.
*********
(I saw mom today, Nii-San. She is better and isn't scared of me anymore.)
Dabi's heart beat so heavy and hard in his chest that he could hear it, could feel the pulsing of it in his face and fingertips.
He was standing alone in the warehouse, reading the message over and over until he was interrupted by an annoying voice.
"What are you looking at?" Dabi glared at Hawks when he tried to peer over his shoulder to see the message.
"None of your fucking business, pigeon!" Dabi sneered.
He couldn't believe that Hawks, the number two hero in Japan, wanted to join the League of Villains.
"Whoa, Dabs –" Hawks said, taking a few steps away from Dabi. The stupid fake grin plastered on his face. "I didn't see anything. But is it one of the league? ‐ maybe a lover?" His eyes widened like Dabi wasn't capable of love. Dabi wanted to roast him in his spot. "Or one of your family?"
Dabi's heart beat so loudly in his chest as Hawks looked at him, waiting for his answer.
"I said it's none of your business," Dabi said through gritted teeth, then he took a deep breath to calm himself and his still racing heart. "Did you get what I asked you for?" He asked.
A moment of silence passed as the hero regarded him, then –
"Yes–"
Dabi listened to what the hero said, and when he finished, he left without uttering a word.
He opened Shoto's last message –
(She missed you too.)
**********
Shigaraki said to just test the Nomu, but Dabi wreaked havoc in the city. It almost killed Endeavor.
Dabi almost killed Endeavor. He felt giddy and happy, and he couldn't stop laughing even after the meeting with Hawks.
The winged hero thought that it was only a test – oh, how foolish of you, Hawks?! – Dabi almost killed him and Endeavor, but the rabbit hero stopped him.
He got a yell from Shigaraki and his freaky doctor about losing the Nomu, but Dabi didn't care.
Endeavor looked so broken in front of him, bleeding and defeated.
It was only when he received a message from Shoto that his mode worsened.
(Dad said he was sorry.)
He almost crushed the phone in his grip.
Sorry? Is he fucking sorry after everything he had done? – Dabi felt anger rising in his chest until it consumed him whole.
(I can't forgive him this easily, Touya-Nii. I don't know what to do. Natsu refused to forgive him, but Fuyumi wanted us to forgive him, so we could be a family.
But how can we be a family without you and mama?)
He wanted to change after he almost died – Dabi sneered.
He wanted to change because I was no longer alive – a voice whispered in his mind; it was Touya's pathetic voice. Maybe I am the reason for all of this.
The silence around him was bleak. He couldn't breathe; he felt like someone was tightening their hold on his throat until he couldn't breathe anymore.
(I don't want to forgive him, Touya.)
Dabi could feel the start of a panic attack building, that damned familiar tightening in his chest and breaths getting shorter as his hands started to shake. He let himself slide down the wall, boxing himself in behind his knees in an attempt to shield himself from anyone – from the world.
He tried to focus on taking deep and slow breaths, but he couldn't.
He felt someone kneeling in front of him, and he flinched when a hand was put on his shoulder.
Weak.
Pathetic.
"Dabi?"
It was Mr. Compress. What was he doing here? – Dabi thought through his panic.
"—Dammit, he is having a panic attack." Mr. Compress said, letting go of his shoulder. "You need to breathe in deeper for me, okay? I count to four, and you slowly inhale, then you hold your breath as I count to eight, and then you slowly exhale while I count to seven, okay? Four, eight, seven, okay?"
Dabi tried to follow him.
He couldn't breathe. He couldn't fucking breathe.
One and two and three and four. One and two and three and four and five and six and seven and eight. One and two and three and four and five and six and seven.
Dabi kept choking on air, but Mr. Compress kept counting in a measured voice.
Four, eight, seven.
He didn't know how long he stayed like that, but eventually, he calmed down.
But he felt nothing, nothing at all.
"Dabi, what happened?" Shigaraki asked. He was scratching his neck violently, and there was a hunted look on his face.
Dabi felt so embarrassed as the other league members were in his room.
"Nothing, I –" he couldn't continue. The words were stuck in his throat, refusing to get out.
He wanted to be alone.
"We want to help you!" Twice said, and Dabi suspected that he was crying. Toga was definitely crying. "No! You could die, and I won't care!."
"Twice, don't say that!" Toga wailed as she lurched forward to hug him. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder, and she cried because Dabi wasn't responding, and she thought he would die.
"I didn't mean, Toga-Chan!" Twice burst into tears.
Silence filled the room. Only Twice and Toga's cried could he heard, until it was broken by Shigaraki –
"Do you want us to leave?"
Dabi didn't reply as he hugged Toga back.
He closed his eyes, trying to bury the voices in his head at the back of his mind.
And the league stayed with him the whole night.
I found my own friends, Shoto. Is it okay for a monster like me to have friends? – but the message wasn't sent.
**********
Dabi couldn't fathom that the league was treating him like he was one of the family. Everything changed since the night of his panic attack. They decided, or Shigaraki ordered, that Dabi would stay at the hideout whether he liked it or not. Dabi sneered and argued that he wanted his space.
But Dabi didn't want to be alone.
So, he stayed in the hideout most of his time with them, and even if he complained about what they were doing and threatened them to leave, they knew he would stay because –
They are family – that's what Shigaraki said.
But of course, Dabi didn't forget about his other family. Shoto kept updating him on his life and even Natsuo and Fuyumi's.
Dabi was finally loved. It was a weird feeling, but he felt that he was loved.
Everything was fine until one day, while he was listening to Shigaraki and Spinner's annoying fights, And if he taunted Shigaraki, no one could blame him, his phone vibrated with a new message.
It was a voice message.
Dabi went to the kitchen to hear Shoto's message. A smile appeared on his face as he unlocked his phone –
(Shoto was crying. Not the gut-wrenching sobs of a broken man, not the sniffles of a child, but the silent sobs of someone who is damaged. "Nii-San –" he choked on his sobs. "Dad hurt me, Nii-San. I am afraid, Touya. He had never hurt me like that before. It hurts. – please, Touya… please… take me to where you are.)
Something stabbed him in his heart, and the smile fell off his face.
Shoto didn't send anything else.
And for the first time, since he escaped from the Todoroki Estate, Dabi called him –
"Touya-nii?" Shoto's voice was so small and broken. It was like something squeezing his heart and then twisting it painfully.
"Shoto, are you okay?" He asked in a shaky voice, already exiting the kitchen. He was aware of the league members looking at him, but he didn't care. "Shoto, answer me. Shoto– please, Shoto!"
But Shoto didn't answer.
Fear gripped Dabi's heart, and he could feel himself panicking as he called for his brother.
He is gonna kill him. He is gonna kill fucking Endeavor! – Dabi seethed on the inside, but he was afraid. So afraid.
He was far away from the Todoroki Estate, and there was no Kurogiri to teleport him.
"Where do you want to go?" Shigaraki's voice cut him from his panicking.
Stupid, stupid. Can't do anything right.
"The Todoroki estate. He hurt him. Shoto is hurt –"
He heard someone gasping, but he didn't focus on anything around him or even when Shigaraki called Ujiko.
Then black substance came out of his mouth, and he felt like it was suffocating him, and then it stopped, and he found himself in front of the Todoroki mansion.
He ran through the whole house, looking for Shoto until he found him in his old bedroom, lying unconscious in front of his shrine.
The bastard left him alone without treating his injuries.
He will kill him.
He gathered Shoto in his arms and tried to let him respond to him, but Shoto didn't move.
Blood gathered under his eyes, falling on his brother.
He was so afraid.
"Ujiko, to the hideout." his voice cracked at the end, and he held Shoto's body tightly–
Then he felt the feeling of being teleported by Ujiko's quirk.
**********
"Touya-nii, you came for me."
"I am so sorry, Shoto. I am sorry." If he could cry, tears would be falling down his cheeks at this moment.
Shoto was crying as he stared at him in disbelief.
"You are Dabi. You hurt me, but you saw my messages."
He wanted to apologise a million times.
He didn't want Shoto to hate him. He still wanted to hear and read his messages.
"You didn't forget about me, Nii-San."
He didn't deserve Shoto.
Shoto lurched himself at Dabi, wrapping his arms around him, and Shoto broke free in a single, deep, desperate sob that burst forth with such startling ferocity. Dabi latched on him tighter, and both of their knees hit the floor. Shoto clung to him like an octopus, hands scrabbling madly at the back of his shirt while shuddering gasps ransacked his frame, and Dabi's own body trembled with his own sobs.
Dabi was selfish, so selfish, and he won't leave Shoto again.
"I won't leave again." He promised.
And he will keep his promise.