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Was he even supposed to like them?
Hoseok frowned as he stared at the picture of his Fake Love-era hyungs. The album had just come out last week, and like a faithful ARMY, he had ordered the album despite having been part of the group that created the album. His hyungs had teased him, saying that he was their biggest fan, and yeah. They really didn’t know how right they were.
It started back in HYYH. No, maybe even earlier. He just knew that he had started to miss his hyungs’ company when they had separately shot parts of the Run music video, and had counted down each minute that they had been separated. Back then, he thought it was because he was fifteen years old, but now at eighteen, he knew that there was something more than just missing them because he was a kid.
He knew that every time he looked at Namjoon that he blushed because of those damn dimples. He knew he was dead every time the leader smiled at him or offered to make him ramen that he knew would blow up the kitchen because it was Namjoon cooking. He knew that Namjoon only offered because Hoseok would deny it because Namjoon in the kitchen was a disaster and that Hoseok would make it if the leader asked. And he would make Namjoon ramen every hour if it would keep his hyung smiling at him with those dimples.
He knew everything that he liked about Seokjin and there was a lot. Of course, there was Seokjin-hyung’s handsome face that he would easily die for. Maybe it was the way his hyung always offered to cook with him or invited him to Mario Kart tournaments and let him use the green controller. His hyung would always buy him snacks and plushies and hug him when he missed his family.
Yoongi was for obvious reasons. His hyung was a big softie on the inside and he was always there to snuggle up on the couch and watch movies with him when he felt sad. The rapper was always there to tuck him in at night and was the one to teach him how to produce songs. He had so much to thank his hyung for.
Jimin, on the other hand, danced with him till the late hours in the morning and took him out to lunch a couple of days a week. The two would sometimes go for ice cream and take photos outside together. Jimin was always traveling to support him when they had separate schedules and would always bring him a bouquet of daisies. The two, since they shared a room, would push the beds together some nights and sleep with their arms around each other.
Taehyung would take him thrifting and to the animal shelter, where they volunteered once a week when they weren’t too busy. They would play with the cats and puppies and walk them together. Taehyung was one of his favorite people to hang out with and he would never trade their time together for anything. He and Taehyung would go for walks along the river and take drives to the countryside together.
He and Jungkook would take hikes in the mountains and go to local parks. They would bring lunch boxes packed up by Jin and share them once they reached the top of the mountain. They would bring chalk and draw on the rocks as they went and (carefully) carve their names and the names of the rest of the members into a tree with a small pocket knife. It was fun, and he never had fun hiking with anyone else other than Jungkook.
Hoseok sat on the ground and leaned against his bed. He flipped through the photobook and smiled as he came across a picture of Seokjin. Damn, his hyung was drop-dead gorgeous—they all were.
He soon remembered his predicament, falling in love with his hyungs. He knew that liking those of the same gender wasn’t always understood, or welcomed, in the industry, but he couldn’t help it. Yet, he didn’t want his hyungs thinking differently of him.
He didn’t know if he could handle it if they hated him.
Should he talk to them? What would I even say?
It wasn’t like he could just walk up to one of his members, grab them by the face, and have the courage to make out with them. He hadn’t exactly “come out” to his hyungs, so if he told them he didn’t like girls like they thought he did, it would most definitely be a shock.
… Well he could, but that courage was reserved for Taehyung. He was the only one of the members save for maybe Seokjin who could just do something and not think of the repercussions. He wished he had his hyungs’ bravery.
“Hoseok-ah! Time for dinner!” he heard Jimin call from outside their bedroom door. He hurried towards the kitchen—if you didn’t get there before Jungkook, he ate at least half your portion.
“Sit down, sit down.” Taehyung urgently whispered, shoveling a spoonful of rice into Hoseok’s plate. He handed the plate to him and for a second their hands briefly touched. Hoseok immediately jerked his hand away, blushing. Taehyung seemed not to notice and put the plate in front of where Hoseok was sitting. He quietly thanked his hyung, Taehyung shooting him a boxy smile in return, which was not helping Hoseok’s gay panic.
“Thank you, Yoongi-hyung.” Jimin said in a sing-song voice. “Thank you for cooking before Kookie returned home from the gym.”
As Jimin said that, the front door slammed open and Jungkook stomped in, a pout on his face. “I heard that!”
Jimin snickered as Jungkook huffed and sat in the empty chair next to Namjoon. At least he got a nice view of those thighs. Hoseok watched as his youngest hyung angrily scooped rice and meat into his plate.
“Hoseokie, let’s go to the park later!” Jungkook exclaimed after swallowing the food in his mouth. Hoseok found himself nodding, wanting to spend time with his hyung. Maybe this park visit would do him good to figure out his feelings for his hyungs. Maybe … he just liked them because they were his hyungs. Maybe he was blowing this way out of proportion and he didn’t really love them the way he thought he did.
“Great!” Jungkook grinned at him, what his hyungs dubbed the “bunny smile.” Hoseok felt his heart skip a beat and he immediately looked down to his hands, which were curled into fists in his lap.
Yeah, he did have a slight crush.
But for the sake of his hyungs’ careers, that’s all it could be for the moment. And he was okay with that.
Really, totally, absolutely fine.
“Hobi, go sit on the swings! I’ll push you.” Jungkook said, making a mad dash to the swing set at the park. A couple years back, they had found this park when they had gotten lost on the way to a restaurant they were supposed to meet the other hyungs at to celebrate Jungkook’s surprise birthday party that Hoseok had been supposed to distract him from while the others got set up at the restaurant. Of course, that didn’t work out in his favor and they had gotten lost, but at least they now had a hang-out place.
Hoseok followed his hyung, albeit a little bit slower, but with the same enthusiasm nonetheless. He sat on the swing, giggling as Jungkook grabbed the chains on the side and ran backwards to put Hoseok up at max height. He screamed as Jungkook let go and he went swinging forwards, nearly hitting a kid that ran underneath.
Jungkook was laughing—if the kid had gotten kicked, they would have deserved it, but they would have never heard the end of it from Namjoon. Yoongi would have probably backed them up though, so it would have been fine.
Jungkook got onto the swing next to the one Hoseok was still swinging back and forth on and started kicking his legs forwards and backwards, gaining momentum. Soon enough, he was swinging as well.
“This is fun, hyung!” Hoseok cheered, his identity crisis slowly being forgotten at the thrill of hanging out with Jungkook.
His hyung shot him another smile. “Wanna go on the slide together?”
Hoseok immediately nodded, hopping off the swing, only stumbling a little, and running to the large slides. It was nice to be able to let go of being an idol and just acting like a kid sometimes. He looked behind him and sure enough, Jungkook was very close behind.
He let Jungkook slide first, hyung’s privileges and he watched, admiring the curves of his hyung’s body, watching the muscles on his arms that slightly bulged as he went to push himself down the slide. He watched the smile that grew on Jungkook’s face as he let out a shout of excitement. He watched as his eyes slightly creased as his cheekbones raised in the smile.
He most certainly couldn’t stop the feeling growing in his chest at the sight of his hyung.
But he felt a cold sweat as he realized what he was feeling for his hyung—what he wasn’t allowed to feel. What he was afraid of feeling .
He felt bile rising up his throat at a slightly alarming rate. Hoseok clamped a hand over his mouth and hurried to the nearest bush. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jungkook running after him, but he didn’t wait for his hyung to catch up with him.
He coughed as he vomited up his dinner, tearing up a bit at the force he expelled it at. He felt Jungkook’s large hand rubbing his back and the other hand stroking his hair in the way that he liked. The gesture only made him start crying, tears making their way down his cheeks. Jungkook silently handed him a tissue from his pocket and watched as Hoseok wiped the tears off his cheeks and the vomit off his lips.
“Are you feeling sick?” his hyung eventually asked. “Do you have a fever?”
Hoseok shook his head, though the sick feeling was still in his stomach. It was getting hard to deny his feelings for his hyung, but he knew it was wrong, he could destroy his hyungs’ careers. He couldn’t do that to them, not after all they had gone through to get to where they were right now.
“We should still go back to the dorms.” Jungkook stated, straightening up. He offered Hoseok a hand, which he hesitantly took, wobbling a little. “Whenever you’re sick it escalates quickly and I don’t want you to be sick. We need our best dancer.”
If the rest of Jungkook’s actions and words didn’t have him blushing, those ones definitely did. He hid his face in his hoodie, the sick feeling in his stomach making its presence known. Why was this so hard?
The two walked to the dorms in silence, Jungkook insisting Hoseok had to ride on his back and be carried all the way to the dorms. Once they got inside he set Hoseok down onto the couch and yelled, “Hobi’s sick!”
That got a quick reaction and all of his hyungs came running out of the rooms they were in when the two arrived home—for Seokjin it was the kitchen and for Yoongi it was his bedroom. Namjoon was already on the couch, so he only stood up in surprise. Jimin and Taehyung came out of the Sunshine Line’s room, both of them making a mad dash to the maknae.
“Is he okay?”
“Does he have a temperature?”
Hoseok immediately shook his head, overwhelmed by the bombardment of questions. “Hyungies, I’m fine. I just threw up a little at the park.”
Seokjin gave him a look, one that usually intimidated the maknaes into telling the truth. The look was usually reserved for when Taehyung did something incredibly stupid or if Jungkook was trying to lie over who really ate the last donut. Hoseok hadn’t ever actually gotten the look, but it was quite scary. “I promise I’m fine. I probably just sat on the swings for too long.”
It was a believable lie, considering Hoseok got motion sick often. He saw the others relax and he let out a mental sigh of relief. If his hyungs found out about him, they would hate him. He could never live with that.
“Well, you rest on the couch or in your bed, maybe shower first.” Namjoon said, turning back to his book. “Someone will check on you for sure.”
Hoseok nodded, trudging to the bathroom and turning on the shower. He slipped his clothes off, shivering a little at the cool temperature of the bathroom. Checking the temperature of the shower water, he stepped inside.
He took a deep breath, hoping to calm himself a little. Unwillingly, he let out the sob that was threatening to escape. He chuckled a little. Look at me, crying in the shower like I’m in some romance novel. How did it lead up to this?
He wiped his eyes, yelping a little as his hands were covered in soap. He stood under the water for a second, rinsing his eyes out, then ran his hands through his wet hair.
Sleep would be nice.
The next morning, he bid his hyungs a good morning and decided to head to his studio for a bit. Being alone without his hyungs to cloud his thoughts would probably do him some good, maybe give him some time to think about … everything.
He frowned as he saw Yoongi already waiting for him outside the door. He braced himself for the worst. Maybe Yoongi could somehow read minds and knew all about his current predicament. Maybe Yoongi was here to laugh at him and tell him it was never going to happen and stomp on his heart and tell Bang Si-hyuk. Then he would be kicked out of the company and they would cancel his credit cards and have to walk to Gwangju and find his family, only for them to figure out he doesn’t like just girls and disown him and he would never be able to see his mom or his dad or his sister and Mickey ever again. He took a deep breath and said, “Hyung? What are you doing here?”
Yoongi looked up from his phone. “Oh, Hoseokie. I wanted to talk to you. Do you have the melodies ready for the songs yet?”
Hoseok let out the breath he was holding in relief. Perhaps he was overthinking a little. He nodded. “I have the sheets inside. Lemme go grab them.”
He typed in his passcode to the door and entered and, finding the sheets on his desk and hurried outside to hand them to his hyung. “Here!”
Yoongi nodded and reached out to grab them. Again, Hoseok found his hand brushing his hyungs. This time though, he had factored in that it could happen and he only nodded, hiding how he really felt deep down. If he was going to hide his feelings from his hyungs, he would have to start getting good at it now. He waved to his hyung and slammed the door to his studio shut.
Hoseok flopped onto the couch, arms wrapped around a Snoopy plush that Seokjin had gotten him for Christmas a year or two back. It was still one of his most precious items, not because of what it was but from who it was from. He felt a headache begin to form behind his temple and whined, only curling up into the couch even more.
Fuck working in the studio, he was going to nap.
The next morning the headache had only gotten worse.
He didn’t even bother getting out of bed, instead waiting for one of his hyungs to wake him up. It was (hopefully) still early, so he could (probably) go back to sleep.
An hour later, he awoke to someone shaking his body. He rolled over, groaning as the light agitated his already-agitated head. Jimin looked down at him and frowned. “Are you alright? You’re really pale.”
Hoseok mentally cursed himself. He was always prone to stress-induced illnesses and it seemed that he was quite stressed. “‘M fine, hyung. Jus’ tired.”
“It’s already eleven and you’re usually up by seven or eight. I think you’re sick.”
Hoseok pulled the blanket over his head as Jimin ran off, probably to go grab Seokjin.
He wasn’t sick, he was just stressed, but as always, Seokjin came in to take his temperature and drown his room in Lysol. He usually complained about the Lysol, but Seokjin insisted on doing it, saying he didn’t want Little Seok’s germs. It was endearing though, so he didn’t really mind.
“It’s not a high temperature, but you should rest for the rest of the day. Holler if you need anything.” his eldest hyung instructed, leaving the room with Jimin in tow.
Hoseok sighed in relief. Although he loved his hyungs, the silence was nice once in a while. He figured this was another one of his stress fevers, since he had been … stressing for most of the week over his current predicament. He snuggled under his blankets and thought back to his first crush from back in fifth grade.
Song Hye-Jin had been the prettiest girl in his class back then and Hoseok among other boys in his class had been itching to ask her out. Hoseok hadn’t exactly liked her for her looks, but for the shared interests they had. She liked to dance, he liked to dance, perfect match right? He had bought her an ice cream one day and had gone to give it to her at lunch but tripped over his nonexistent shoelaces and smashed the ice cream into her face. Needless to say, she avoided him after that.
His second and last crush, Kim Jihoon, was also in his dance class and the two had been partnered together for an exercise. Hoseok had accidentally kicked him in the balls during one part and he had to be taken to the emergency room, which led to Jihoon also avoiding him.
It was safe to say Hoseok had no luck with his love life.
There was a tap on his shoulder. He slowly opened his eyes to see his Jin-hyung standing over him with a worried expression.
“Hyungie?”
“Hobi-ah, you were laughing in your sleep. Did your fever go up?” He stuck a thermometer in the maknae’s mouth, then gave a relieved puff of air from his mouth seeing that Hoseok’s temperature was the same.
“Sorry hyung, I was just uh-dreaming.” He lied. “I guess it was funny.”
Seokjin nodded and ran a hand through Hoseok’s hair. “Try to rest some more. I’ll go make you some soup.”
As his hyung left, Hoseok turned over into his pillow, face-first, and screamed.
Fuck feelings.
He didn’t really think he would be able to hide this tiny fact from his hyungs for this long. The longest he had ever hidden something from them was when he had lied about being the one to finish off the grape juice in the fridge, playing dumb so they wouldn’t suspect him. It had almost worked, until they found his grape juice-stained shirt in the laundry bin. He had been forced to do the dishes for a week, but at least that wasn’t a bad punishment. If they found out he was in love with them, god, he would be dead.
His stress fever had come and gone once Hoseok had taken a few deep breaths to try and take his mind off of everything and had gone to bed at a decent hour, and Seokjin was only now finally letting Hoseok out of his clutches to continue his daily schedules.
But of course, all good things had to come to an end.
Someone had found out.
And that someone had been Jiwoo, his sister. The two had gone out for lunch on one of his free days at a small cafe in Seoul. She had asked him how the members were and he had started talking about them.
“Hoseokie,” she had said, staring him directly in the eye. The serious tone in her voice made him unable to break eye contact with her, seeing as she was usually never this serious. “I can tell you like them.”
He had given a nervous laugh. “Of course I like them. They’re my hyungs and I’ve been living with them for years now.”
She had shaken her head. “No, I mean you like-like them.”
He had immediately tried to deny it, but to no avail. She knew, because sisters always know. He remembered he had cried, Jiwoo burying him in a hug both to comfort him and so strangers wouldn’t see him crying. She had whispered soothing words to him and that she would always love him, no matter who he liked and that the other members would love and accept him because that's just who they are.
“Namjoon-ah wouldn’t make speeches to love yourself just for ARMY.” Jiwoo had said. “He also means that you need to love yourself too.”
She had walked him back to the dorms after, and he had been thankful none of the members had been home then, because they would have seen his tear stained face and questioned it and back then, he just wouldn’t be able to answer it.
Now, it was a day or two later, and Hoseok knew he needed to come clean soon. He couldn’t keep pretending that none of this was affecting him, and he knew he needed to tell his hyungs what was going on as well.
He opened their group chat, respectfully named “Seokjin and the Kids,” and sent out a brief text that he needed to talk to them tonight. He put his phone down after and ignored the six beeps that answered. He opened his computer and clicked on an article his sister sent him.
“So, what did you want to talk about, Hobi?” Namjoon asked. The members all sat on the couch, while Hoseok stood in front of them all, in front of the tv.
He took a deep breath. “I’ve been really nervous these past couple weeks, and I think you might have been able to tell. There’s been something I’ve been meaning to say to all of you.”
The others looked at him with curious eyes, and he couldn’t blame them, since this was the first time he had ever called a meeting of any sort, but right now, since he was so nervous, it wasn’t really helping.
“I like you guys.”
Jimin grinned. “We like you too.”
Hoseok sighed, and shook his head. This was really hard. “No, I like-like you guys.”
Yoongi’s eyes widened. “Like a crush?”
“I think it’s love at this point.” Hoseok said with a slight chuckle, his heart beating fast. “And I think I have for a really long time, but I couldn’t put a word to it, and that made me scared.”
“I thought you only liked girls.” Jungkook said curiously. “Not that it matters.”
“I did some research, and I think I’m pansexual.” Hoseok said.
Namjoon pat him on the shoulder. “Hobi, you were really brave for telling us. I’m proud of you.”
Seokjin nodded. “What made you come to this conclusion?”
“I think …” he started “that gender doesn’t really matter to me. I just really love people in general, if that makes sense?”
Jimin wrapped his arms around Hoseok. “My cute little dongsaeng is growing up!”
“Wh-what about me being in love with you guys?” Hoseok nervously asked. “I’m sorry if it’s crossing a line. I can quit the group if it causes trouble.” He looked down to his feet, willing himself not to cry. The worst part is, he would quit if that’s what his hyungs wanted.
“No!”
His head snapped up to look at his hyungs. They all had tear stained faces, staring at him lovingly.
“Hobihobi, I think I can speak for all of us when I say we love you too.” Taehyung stated, wrapping his arms around the maknae.
Namjoon nodded. “I don’t think we can avoid it, so I think we should all accept it.”
“I love you all.” Jungkook wailed, burying his face in Seokjin’s chest. The eldest pat the second youngest on the back.
“Me too.”
“Me three.”
“I l-love you all.” Hoseok whispered.
“Wait, so that's why you were so nervous all those weeks ago?” Taehyung asked once all seven of them were seated for dinner. He was pushing the meat around in his plate, trying to make it look like he ate more meat than he actually did, because Seokjin was trying to limit how much ramen Taehyung ate per night.
Hoseok nodded, suddenly feeling embarrassed about the whole thing, though they had cleared everything up and decided that they could find a label for each other soon.
“Ohhh, I thought you were just constipated.”
Half the members burst into giggles, both at Hoseok’s expression and Taehyung’s cluelessness.
“Hyung, respectfully shut the fuck up.”