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"If you believe that, then you never knew me at all."
You continued to see his face every time you closed your eyes, his voice echoed relentlessly in your mind, as if there was only space for him. Maybe it was always like that, maybe it had always been that way, and you just hadn't realized it. Not when he was always by your side, always providing his warmth in his embrace when you needed it, always there when you wanted to sneak into his room in the middle of the night, always. Always. Always.
Always was the opposite of never.
"I beg of you."
Ballister wasn't the kind of person to beg.
"You shouldn't need proof."
You weren't the kind of person to doubt him.
Did you doubt him? You dared to doubt him, you dared to prioritize your duty over your feelings, even if it cost you everything, and now all you can see are his eyes, his, oh so beautiful eyes, shattered by your betrayal.
It wasn't enough with everything you had already done, you ended up raising your sword against him, pointing it at him, injuring him.
You hurt him. You cut off his arm.
You hurt him. You pursued him.
You hurt him. You followed everything Gloreth would have wanted from you.
You promised not to be like the rest, and when the situation changed, you became just like the others. What was the difference between you and Todd? Maybe that he was direct and you, you just sidelined the most important person in your life.
Maybe you are worse.
Why did you do it? For your surname, for your heritage, for your training? Why were you afraid? It didn't matter, nothing mattered because the more you thought about it, the more you knew with overwhelming certainty that if the roles were reversed, he would have supported you unconditionally, even if it meant setting aside his dream, his life, and the burden that the kingdom had placed on his shoulders since childhood.
Yes, you knew him, you knew him better than anyone. You could close your eyes and remember every detail of his life. You knew exactly the kind of person he truly was, that he could never have killed the queen. Damn it, you were even certain that you could pinpoint where his first hidden gray hairs were in that soft, dark hair.
You knew Ballister. The one you didn't know was yourself, because the version of you that you thought you were, would never betray the man who owned your very own soul.