Chapter Text
Is being able to live forever a blessing?
Some people would think so. People who know they’ll die someday and wish to change that. People who don’t want to die, who want to stay with their beloved’s forever.
Dazai knows it’s more of a curse.
He wants to die, and yet he’s tied down to this absolutely horrible world by the shackles of a little something called immortality.
He found out he was immortal hundreds of years ago, now. He had been trying to kill himself almost every day, finding different methods to try, hoping to find the perfect, painless way to end his life. Eventually, he decided dying with a gorgeous woman that shared the same suicidal ideals by his side would be even better than dying alone, so he searched for the perfect someone.
And he found her.
She wanted to kill herself painfully, claiming there’s no point if it isn’t painful. He was hesitant, wanting to die happily and without feeling any pain, but eventually he agreed and the pair jumped hand in hand from one of the tallest buildings throughout the whole of the city of Yokohama.
They landed with a splat on the street, indenting the images of their mangled bodies in countless civilian’s minds. Or, the images of the woman’s body. Dazai forgets her name, it’s been too long, but he remembered promising her they’d meet in the afterlife, if there was one.
He broke his promise because whatever entity is out there making decisions on who lives and who dies decided Dazai wouldn’t get lucky.
He landed the same way the woman did, but without a single scratch, and still breathing. The only blood on him was from the other, who basically tore into pieces upon impact. He was unconscious, knocked out by the fall, but still alive. Still fucking alive, and for what?
He cried in the hospital. He actually cried.
He hasn’t cried that hard since Sakunosuke Oda’s death. (That’s a name he could never forget, no matter how many decades, how many centuries, how many millenias, go by.)
He took a while off work, but returned with a smile,
returned with the same comedic demeanour he had before the weeks he took away from the agency. They all noticed how unlike himself he seemed when he wasn’t talking to everyone. Atsushi more than the others. He was surprised when Chuuya asked what was wrong with him when they bumped into eachother and Dazai told him he wasn’t in the mood for a fight.
Dazai thinks the biggest lie he ever told was that he was alright. He should’ve told them.
He should’ve told them why he constantly had watering eyes. He should’ve told them why he asked to hang out with them so much more than he used to. He should’ve told them why he almost broke down when Kunikida got a little too angry and the words “Kill yourself.” fell from his lips. He should’ve told them why he stopped trying to convince the Maid at the Café to commit with him. He should’ve told them why he stopped trying to commit as a whole.
He should have told them everything about the curse he found out he was stuck with, and yet he didn’t.
And now they’re all gone.
Dazai was the saddest when Chuuya, Atsushi and Kunikida died.
He had realised his feelings for Chuuya a few years after his final attempt. He tried to ignore them, not wanting to fall in love because of his problem, but he couldn’t, and they began dating.
Atsushi was always like a son to Dazai. He was happy to have met Atsushi that day, even if he had interrupted an attempt of his (that he knows now wouldn’t have even worked anyway).
And Kunikida was his best friend. They may have always argued, and he definitely bugged Kunikida to the point of exhaustion, but they both cared for eachother deep down.
Dazai would kill to feel affection, like the affection those three gave him, again.
He hates when people say they wish they could live forever. He hates when people remark about how they hate the fact people die everyday.
None of those people will ever know what it is like to have everything you have ever loved, everything you have ever had, everything you have ever cared about even in the slightest, slip through your fingers and leaving you all by yourself.
At first, Dazai wished he could pass this ‘gift’ onto someone else. A random civilian that always talked about wishing they wouldn’t ever die. Now, he hopes nobody else ever has to go through being stuck with this curse like he has.
He began isolating himself after everyone at the Armed Detective Agency, hell even everyone in the Port Mafia and the other groups, died.
He had nobody to laugh and joke with anymore. Nobody to run around Yokohama solving crimes with. Nobody to fight with when he’s bored. Nobody to hold him when he’s upset. So he hid himself.
He has no reason to live anymore.
He thought he didn’t back then, but now he wishes he treasured his life a little more. He had so much to live for before, he realised that the hole in his heart had been filled back then.
Now? Not the hole is open again and even bigger. He’s 591 years old now, with the same body as he’s had ever since he was 22.
Everyone noticed the way he seemed to stay the same even when everyone else began to grow noticeably older. He joked about having a great skincare routine, and after laughing it off, nobody brought it up again.
He should have fucking told them.
He’s made so many mistakes in his life, but trying to kill himself back when he had so many reasons to stay alive had to be the worst one.
He thinks that’s why he’s stuck with this curse.
He tried to leave this life so many times that whatever God or Goddess is out there decided to chain him down and never release him.
He told a few people about his curse after he turned 122 years old. He decided it was time to start telling people so they don’t try and love him, or befriend him, and put him through more pain when they die and he’s alone again.
Two or three of those few asked questions. He didn’t have an answer then. It hadn’t been that long. He has answers now, though.
If he could change anything he would have appreciated his friends, his life, more. He wouldn’t have constantly been trying to die. He would have spent all of the hours he wasted trying to off himself with his friends instead.
If he had the chance to give this curse to someone else, he wouldn’t be able to do it. Oda told him to be a good person and protect people, and giving this curse to someone else would be the opposite to the promise he made his late friend.
The only people he regretted not getting close with or spending more time with are Chuuya and everyone at the Agency. Ofcourse, he was close enough with Atsushi and Kunikida, but he wished he had hung out with the rest way more than he had. And he wished he had put he and Chuuya’s rivalry to bed and confessed his feelings way sooner so they could have spent their lives holding eachother rather than trying to murder eachother.
Immortality is no blessing.
Immortality is not a gift Osamu Dazai would ever find himself being thankful for.
He’s never wanted to kill himself more than he does now.
He’s 591 and he’s lost every reason he ever had to live.
He has lost everything.
He has nothing.
And he wishes he himself were nothing, too.