Work Text:
Tsukasa couldn't sleep.
Intrusive thought after intrusive thought ran through his head.
Why was he such a horrible big brother to Saki…? Why wouldn't Nene stop saying he was so annoying…? Why was he so inferior compared to everyone else…? And most of all…
Why was he so easily misunderstood? Why was he so loud?
Why…. why?!?
With the energy he still had Tsukasa sat up, threw the covers off, and made his way to the bathroom, picking up his scissors, sewing needles and black thread from his desk on the way.
It's time. This would've happened sooner or later.
If he can't keep his mouth shut, the pain he'll force himself through and the threads he'll finally put in place would do it for him.
Walking downstairs to grab a cup of ice quickly became a blur, and pressing the cubes against his mouth to numb them didn't feel like much other than the cooling sensation. Although leaving ice on bare skin usually felt uncomfortable to him, it didn't feel that way, rather he found it comforting and relaxing in the moment.
The blurring went away after he'd pressed the ice on his lips for a good fifteen minutes. He dropped the ice into the sink and pulled out a long piece of thread before cutting it.
Tsukasa carefully tied a knot after meticulously threading the needle, then a double knot, then a triple, then a quadruple, until he thought it was big enough to hold onto the flesh. He could barely feel his lips now, but that was okay. That's the point, anyway.
Good thing he knew how to sew and at the very least thread a needle, because this was going to come to him at some point or another.
He poked his lower lip one more time for good measure. I can't feel it… good. He thought to himself.
He raised the needle to his lower lip, took a deep breath, and tried to prepare himself, but his hand shook. Upon noticing this, he placed the needle back on the counter and tried to calm himself with deep breaths, trying to fight back the fear and intrusive thoughts in his mind that boiled and mixed like a pot of soup on a stove.
Breathe, Tsukasa, breathe… he tried to tell himself. We'll get those stitches on quickly and painlessly, and then you'll finally see how inferior you really are.
You don't deserve stardom, now do you? Not after being nothing but an embarrassment to all your friends, especially your troupe-mates, and only leaving people upset with you because of how much of a fucking disappointment you are.
Without hesitation he then forced his hand to stop shaking and pushed the needle through the skin on both lips.
The pain didn't hit him until a split second after he pushed the needle through, and he flinched in response, tears pricking at his eyes.
That wasn't enough numbing? he thought to himself. Ugh, I'm out of options now… guess I gotta power through this. Time to sew the rest of it up.
Although the first wound he made on his lips to bind them together was merely just a sting, Tsukasa couldn't help but watch as the blood that leaked from it trailed down his chin and onto his shirt. He blinked back his tears as he decided to perform cross stitches across the rest of the way. Just a few X’s and I'll be done.
He slowly pulled the rest of the thread through the newly made hole, until the knot at the end pressed against his bloodstained skin. It hurt, but at least it would help to teach a lesson to all those intrusive thoughts. One down . He then took the needle again and crossed it down across both of his lips, before poking yet another hole, causing him to flinch in pain again, only slightly less.
Tsukasa didn't want to scream in pain. He wished he could enjoy the sight, ever so horrifying yet so mesmerizing with each stab through his flesh and each completed stitch. But neither of those were happening; instead, he began to sob silently. It hurt to open his mouth.
As tears rolled down the strawberry blonde’s rosy cheeks, he pushed the rest of the needle out and pulled the rest of the thread out with it. The black thread started to look maroon under the bright bathroom light. Too bright… Tsukasa thought to himself once the first part of the X was finally done.
He sniffled, before repeating the process with the other half. Four holes to endure for each X shaped stitch. Although Tsukasa didn't care if he was crying from physical or emotional pain, deep down he screamed for more despite his conscience screaming back to stop his self-torment. With each stab the pain became less unbearable, although Tsukasa still couldn't stop crying.
Finally, he thought to himself once the first stitch was finished. Just a few more to go . His thoughts swirled yet another lap in his mind as he picked the needle back up and continued to sew X’s over the rest of his mouth, making sure to leave a hole for a straw to drink through. As much pain as he was pushing himself through, he definitely shouldn't be dying from it.
Over, under, over, under… He worked the needle up and down through his flesh, the blood on the past stitches beginning to dry and cake the black thread. He never screamed at all, but he did continue to cry, tears spilling over. His nose got stuffy as well, but he could only sniffle it back as he could no longer breathe through his mouth. Finally, now you realize you've really been too loud, one of his thoughts screamed at him.
The taste of blood kept filling his mouth, and Tsukasa could only swallow it each time he tasted it.
Once he finally finished the last stitch, Tsukasa tied a quadruple knot into the thread once again. He then cut the thread, finally putting the needle back into the box before looking back in the mirror to look at the work that took him what was probably a few hours.
At this point his face was red and puffy from crying, and as he sobbed all that left him were muffled “mmmm”s and quiet whimpers. He wiped his tears on his sleeve, rinsed the blood from the stitches he made, and patted them dry before turning off the bathroom light and taking his sewing supplies with him.
His intrusive thoughts began to subside as his lips burned with pain.
I've finally shown myself.
I think I'll continue to stay like this for a while. Nobody needs to know anyway. I'll just hide it all from them.
It won't be that hard, anyway… Not even Saki, Toya, Rui, Nene, or Emu would know. It's not like they'll even question it. And if they ever did find out…
I’d rather they keep it to themselves. That's how insignificant I am.
And it's not like I've ever been able to kiss Rui anyways. I'm a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.
And with that, Tsukasa placed his sewing supplies back on his desk, climbed back into bed, and threw on the covers, silently crying himself to sleep.
That was the night Tsukasa Tenma had finally lost his voice.