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They opened their eyes to be met with a little clearing, tall trees surrounding it on all sides. Branches that resembled long, spindly fingers grasped wildly for the heavens, the leaves clinging to them flooding the area with shadow. The sun was but a blurry smudge, only a scant few rays of sunlight managing to breach the dense foliage, leaving the rare golden diamond on the forest floor.
Their mind was utterly bereft of any memories - no name and no idea what they had been doing prior to awakening here. Yet they possessed enough innate knowledge to understand who they were and what had occurred.
They knew what they were - the swan spirit, who had been born in this very land they found themselves in now. A spirit whose sighting humans thought to portend disaster - it was believed that their very presence would bring down the wrath of gods and call forth tremors capable of splitting the land in two. A spirit cursed with the inability to die, who would always be reborn in their birthplace if they were ever drained of every dredge of magical power, unable to escape the shackles of life.
Who they were now, however, was an empty slate.
Stretching stiff limbs, they glanced at their arms, drowning in feathers that were dark as night. As they watched, a few detached and fluttered haphazardly to the ground, exposing the pale white skin beneath. It seemed they were currently in the body of a young girl, wearing a plain black dress, long dark strands of hair falling into their eyes.
They must have been reborn again, as evidenced by the hard shards littered about the clearing, mingling with piles of feathers. The shards likely belonged to an egg that they had emerged from, like a newborn hatchling.
Cold pressed like knives against the exposed parts of their body, informing them that it was winter, though the temperature was not yet low enough for their breath to crystallise when it left their lips. Hugging their knees close to their chest, they shut their eyes once more, retreating into comforting darkness.
That was the routine that defined their lonely existence - returning home every winter to restore their reserves of magical power, before fleeing once the flowers began to shyly unfurl from their buds. Staying far from any signs of civilisation, for they did not want to incite the hatred of humanity, a potent fire that could raze anything in its path.
If there had been a time when things had been different, then it was centuries past, a memory that had long since crumbled to dust. Nothing would change this year, and nothing ever would.
The rustling of leaves, far too loud to be a woodland critter, shattered the bubble of silence that they were submerged in, dragging them rudely to the surface. It could have been minutes since they last shut their eyes, or days.
A figure stood at the entrance to the clearing, the light spilling from behind them seeming to coalesce into wings that sprouted from their back. Squinting and trying their best not to wince, they could only make out that it was another person. A person with white hair that brushed their shoulders, dressed in a thick fur coat and a pair of fluffy pants that covered every inch of skin, their cheeks flushed from the winter cold. They stared at this unexpected intruder, who stared back with just as much astonishment, their mouth agape.
Winter was the season when the humans stuck closest to their homes. There should be no reason for one to have wandered to a secluded forest such as this one, braving the possibility of frost-bitten limbs and losing one’s bearings in the endless plains of white.
“Um… hi. I’m Hikari, a… a girl from the nearby village,” she introduced herself haltingly, tripping over some of the words as if not used to their shape in her mouth.
They cocked their head. How strange. Had the humans set up a settlement close by?
“Hello, Hikari, girl from the nearby village.” They had always valued politeness. Perhaps in a past life, their first one, even, they had walked the cobblestone paths of villages barefoot. Greeting the shopkeepers with impeccable politeness, soaking in the relaxing atmosphere and the sounds of people bustling about.
Hikari had not asked them who they were. She must already know - every child in this sacred land would have been taught at some point. Whether from textbooks, the knowledge imparted by a teacher’s droning voice; legends passed around campfires in hurried whispers; or the cautionary tales parents told children to scare them into following the rules.
“You’re strange.” Hikari’s frozen expression melted into a bright smile, a giggle escaping her that lit up the air around her. She came closer, not a hint of hesitation in her actions, the smile on her face never fading as she settled next to them.
They could do nothing but stare blankly, shocked that she wasn’t running away while screaming at the top of her lungs. Had she not been taught to fear them, to revile them and reject them?
They nearly jumped out of their skin when she laid her hand atop theirs, a small gasp escaping them, gaze transfixed on the spot where skin met skin. A current of warmth travelled up their body, like a jolt to their spine. How long had it been since they’d felt the touch of another, since they’d known the presence of happiness?
Their protests died in their throat, their mouth clamping shut as they elected to let Hikari’s voice wash over them. It wouldn’t hurt to let her stay, they supposed.
“- and Dad accidentally let the sheep out…”
The endless flow of words, like a river winding its way towards the ocean, filled the once-empty space, making its steady way towards their heart, encased in ice. Thawing it out, bit by bit.
They did not mind the companionship, even if it would not last past the end of the season.
When the chirping of birds hit their ears one morning, they knew that the time to leave had come. Soon the spring breeze would arrive, playfully making cloth billow across the lands. By then, it would be too late to depart - the humans would instantly spot them in the azure expanse of the sky, and without the cold to keep them from the mountains, a lone swan would easily become their target.
Whether or not the legends were true… Even they no longer held the answer. But they had no desire to cause unnecessary suffering.
They would have liked to be able to say goodbye to Hikari. What a strange girl she was, choosing to spend her days with an unnatural being. Her company would be sorely missed, and they would treasure the days they had spent together.
Hikari battling with their tangled mane of hair, gently chiding them to take better care of it while she smoothed all the knots out and plucked out every stray leaf, her attentive gaze missing not a single one. Hikari telling them all about her life back home with her family - how she assisted her shepherd father in tending to the sheep, aspiring to be just like him once she grew up, showing off all the strands of fur that had gotten snagged in her clothes. Hikari dragging them out of the gloomy clearing to rest on the gentle incline next to a peaceful lake, and simply be while holding hands, the sunlight kissing their skin.
She was never bothered by their silence, letting her voice fill the space between them. When she was by their side, they could almost imagine they were nothing more than a human child that carried no burden, free to do as they wished.
The thought of never seeing her again stabbed them through the heart, surprisingly painful for one who had learned to live life in solitude.
They would cradle the memories they had made together close to their chest, for however much time they had left in this life. Grasping onto them with an iron grip, doing their best to ensure the sands of time would never steal them, regardless of how futile it was.
In a smooth, practised motion, they reached into themselves and tugged on the thread connected to the crackling sphere of magic contained within, their body rapidly morphing into another form.
Releasing a final, mournful cry, a swan, with feathers as black as the night sky, burst through the treetops, heading for horizons unknown.
When next they returned, letting the feathers shed off their skin like water sluicing a rooftop during an abrupt downpour, they let out a sigh, gaze scanning the clearing. It hadn’t changed much, even with the turning of the seasons. A few more roots could be seen creeping across the ground, courtesy of the trees attempting to increase their reach.
It was quiet; not even the buzzing of insects could be heard. They supposed the next century would be like this, a never-ending silence that would gradually drain all the life out of them.
“Oh, you’re here!”
A sense of deja vu struck them from head to toe, the foreign emotion of hope swelling painfully in their heart. They turned to find the source of the voice, the rustling of leaves once more heralding the arrival of a familiar visitor.
Hikari beamed at them, emerging from the trees, her pink eyes sparkling. Her hair tumbled down to the middle of her back in white rings, resembling the frothy waves of the ocean. The same fur coat from last winter hugged her shoulders, a dress trailing down to her ankles, her feet encased in snow boots.
“I was waiting for you.” She rushed over, breathless, clasping their right hand between hers. Whereas her movements had seemed rigid when they had last seen her, now there was a spring to her step. “Welcome back, Tairitsu. Oh, your hair is a mess again.”
“Wh - What…” they stuttered, heat flooding their pointed ears at their sudden proximity, heartbeat thundering in their ears. “Tairitsu…?”
“I didn’t want to call you by any of your past names, so I came up with a new one. Do you mind…?” she asked shyly, her smile flickering somewhat as worry began to overtake her expression.
“No, not at all. It’s just…” Why had she returned? It didn’t make any sense. “I’m sorry for leaving without telling you.” Those were the words that escaped them instead, the question they truly wanted to ask tucked away in their heart, quivering.
“It’s fine. I already knew you were going to leave, and I saw you fly away. You’re very beautiful as a swan, you know,” she whispered, releasing their hand to retrieve something from a pocket of her coat. She tucked a wildflower behind their ear, gentle fingers lingering against its shell and making them shiver. “Here, this is for you.”
Overwhelmed, they could only nod, sparks of joy bursting to life in the spots her fingers had brushed against. Their heart felt incredibly light, as if it, too, could sprout wings and take flight.
If this was what awaited them each winter, then perhaps their existence would not be as torturous as they initially thought it would be. Mayhaps… Mayhaps they might even find a place to belong, something that had been lost to them for centuries.
When the air was warmer, they spent their time as a swan in a faraway land. The life they led there was simple. There was nothing to be concerned about other than survival - searching the clear lakes for fish to consume, staying far away from the tracks of predators, and establishing a nest, a safe haven made of sticks where they could rest their weary body once the sun dipped below the mountains.
There wasn’t much that registered in their mind when they were in such a state - it was all too easy for the being known as Tairitsu to slip behind a wall, superseded by instincts as they soared through the sky.
Occasionally, a memory or emotion would slip past, a single shard from the beautiful kaleidoscope that was their moments together. The curve of Hikari’s smile, the roughness of the calluses on her palm from tending to the sheep, the warmth that built in their heart whenever they were together.
And with the autumn winds buffeting their wings, they would return, in hopes of seeing Hikari again.
They let out a confused squawk as they flew past the mountains and valleys that they knew like the back of their hand. The mountaintops should have been white, the valleys submerged in piled-up snow. Yet that was all absent, brittle brown leaves visible from their vantage point, high in the sky.
It was with a mounting horror that they realised winter had arrived late this year, the final remnants of autumn having not yet gone, clinging on for dear life.
And then not a single thought passed through their mind, as the Earth shuddered, screamed, and then split apart.
In the aftermath, when the shaking had subsided, and the dust had cleared, they limped blindly on the cracked ground, wings folded unnaturally close to their body, that same horrible sound the ground had emitted echoing endlessly in their mind. Drifting in no particular direction, only wishing to see that kind smile once more, in hopes that it could disperse the darkness trailing from them like a cape.
There was nothing good waiting for them. Only accusations, angry shouts, and threats of violence, the usual fear the humans held melting away to be replaced with hatred. Drowning out a single desperate plea, rendering it unable to reach them.
Amidst the anguish that tightly gripped their heart, threatening to shatter it, all else slid away except the notion of survival, smothered by a thick blanket of terror. With a panicked scream, the swan turned tail and fled, clawing towards safety, all else forgotten.
One day, with brown leaves fluttering to the ground around them, a swan stared down at a pink stone they’d snatched up from the riverbed. It sparkled under the sunlight, reminding them of something…
“Hey, do you think we knew each other in one of your past lives?” Hikari’s hands paused, halfway through layering one bunch of black hair over another. She had made it about one-quarter down the length of their hair, determined to braid it.
“I wouldn’t know,” they replied, carefully keeping their head still as she snapped back into motion. She was incredibly gentle with each strand, making sure not to tug too hard. “And I don’t think it’s worth thinking about. Who we are now… That’s all that matters, isn’t it?”
Hikari only hummed in response, turning a smile warmer than the sun on them. They quickly averted their gaze, cheeks flushing, folding their hands in their lap.
The memory slammed into them so hard that they nearly fell into the river, barely saving themselves with a lot of inelegant fumbling, water droplets flung everywhere.
Awareness hurt, like a red-hot brand pressed against their heart, after however long they had spent in the darkness, focussed only on living on to the next day. There was too much swirling around in their mind: emotions, thoughts, memories.
But they didn’t have the luxury of time to sort through all of it. They couldn’t linger - they had somewhere to be.
With a thread of yearning tugging tight over their heart, they flapped strong wings and rose into the air, determined to return.
Both to the land that they still lovingly called home, and to the girl who had become their place to belong.
Their true home.
They suppressed the panic that rose within them as they passed the same mountain ranges, spotting minute differences that could only have happened with the passage of time: new crevasses, new stumps, new rivers.
What if they were already too late? Humans only lived for so long, after all.
That thought brought with it the icy waters of despair, threatening to surge over their head and suffocate them. So they shoved it away, refusing to contemplate it.
By the time they neared the forest where they had first met Hikari, darkness was encroaching the edges of their vision, the flapping of their wings slowing as exhaustion draped itself over their body. They had been away for far too long - the magic that made up their very being had not been restored for many moons. They were running on nothing more than fumes, which were rapidly evaporating.
The ground hurtled towards them at an alarming pace as they let themselves fall, dropping from the sky like a rock.
Then there was only pain, like a wildfire consuming their right wing, and a long scream, echoing in the air - their own, they realised, as another voice reached their ear. A familiar one that they longed to cling to as gentle fingers soothed their wounds, yet were unable to, as the darkness fully claimed them.
Consciousness came in fits and bursts, images filtering into their mind as they cracked open their eyelids.
The wooden walls of a house. The crackling of a fire, tongues of flame licking away at logs in a fireplace. A throbbing pain in what had once been their wing and was now their arm, feathers scattered all across the bed they were lying on.
Someone leaned over them, the strong scent of herbs suffusing the room, a jar of salve held tightly in her hand. Worry was written clearly on her face as she reached for the bandages wrapped around their arm, the tips of her hair tickling their skin.
I’m sorry. They tried to force the words out of their dry throat, scratching against every inch of raw skin, but all that came out was a croak that couldn’t be deciphered.
They caught the edge of a reply as something cold was pressed against their forehead. It slipped through their fingers as they fell back into darkness, ferried by a gentle lullaby.
Blearily, they opened their eyes. There was a startling lack of pain - only a dull ache remained, and they lifted their arm to find that the bandages were gone.
The light of the stars filtered through the window set in the wall, indicating that it was nighttime. How many days had passed since they had crash-landed on a blanket of white, the only thought occupying their mind a need to see those lovely pink eyes again?
They struggled to sit up, rusty on how to control this body after years of not using it. It was especially unwieldy now - when had they gotten so tall?
“Mm?” Something shifted in the corner of their vision, and they turned to find a woman sitting up in a chair beside the bed, rubbing the sleep from her pink eyes, dark shadows gathering beneath them. White hair spilt down her back to her hips, two braids resting on each shoulder. “Tai…?”
Hikari had grown up so much from the young girl she’d known for a few winters, years and years ago, blooming into a beautiful flower. Like a perfectly crafted ice sculpture, each detail captured so exquisitely that it stole their breath away.
They wondered if she’d achieved her dream of becoming a shepherd like her father. It must be the case - they couldn’t imagine anything that could stop her in her tracks, that could dim her radiant soul.
How much has changed over the years?
“I’m sorry,” they muttered, hesitating for a moment before reaching out a hand to brush her fringe out of her tired eyes, fingers lingering against her forehead. They didn’t know what they were apologising for. Everything, perhaps. For leaving. For returning. For their entire existence, and the curse that was their very foundation.
If they were truly sorry, they would never have returned, yet they did not have the strength to pull their hand away.
“Don’t be,” she replied groggily. Unlike them, there was no hesitation in her actions when she climbed onto the bed as well, motioning for them to scoot over. Her hand found theirs, squeezing, as if she never wanted to let go again. “I’ve been waiting for you all this time. Though it really was quite troublesome to carry you here, especially when you decided to stop being a swan halfway through the trip.”
Their gaze fell to her chest, where a single black feather rested, threaded through a string that looped around her neck. Eyes wide, they tasted salt against their parted lips, tears rolling down their face.
Truly, this entire time, she’d been…
“Why?” The words tore their way out of their heart, accompanied by a maelstrom of emotions.
Why did you do all this? Why did you save me? Why did you befriend me when anyone else would have shirked me out of fear?
She only smiled, brushing away their tears with one hand. “You were the first one to ever see me as just me. It meant the world to me, back then. I could only ever hope I did the same for you.”
You did. With you, I was only ever Tairitsu. Not a curse, not a burden. Just me.
Interlocking their fingers, she guided them to lay back down, their faces inches apart. Close enough that they could see each individual fleck of darker pink dotting her eyes. “Now you should go back to sleep,” she whispered, her lips tenderly brushing against their forehead, soothing every worry that festered in their soul. “You need your rest.”
Closing their eyes, they drifted off together with the one who held their heart, to a place where nothing and no one could disturb them.
“Whoa, Martin! Feisty today, aren’t you?” Hikari deftly avoided the headbutt from the over-excited sheep, giving it a pat on the head, earning a bleat in response. “Sorry, but I’ll play with you later, alright?”
A smile lifted their lips, their back pressed against the walls of the house, their arms crossed as they watched Hikari skillfully manoeuvre through the pen that was filled to the brim with woolly sheep. She made sure to give each and every one an affectionate rub, their happy bleats flooding the air.
The frigid winter air brushed the skin of their arms, causing goosebumps to rise as they began to approach. Not that they minded - it was a lovely reminder that they were alive, and able to experience all that life had to offer.
“Waiting for me, were you?” Hikari called back to them as she pressed her hand into the snow before pushing herself off the ground, remaining where she was.
“Whatever are you up to?” they enquired, curious.
“This!” she crowed, whirling on her feet and tossing the snowball she’d shaped straight into their face, knocking them back a few feet.
Sputtering, they wiped off a faceful of snow that had gotten everywhere, their tongue freezing in their mouth.
A snowball fight? If that was what she wanted, then that was what she would get!
Kneeling to pack snow into a hard ball, they fired back, a grin growing on their face as Hikari shrieked and dodged to the side, the snowball grazing the side of her dress.
A fierce battle raged between them, snowballs arcing through the air as both sides exchanged shots. Some landed, while some went way off target, thudding uselessly into the ground. Laughter filled the crisp morning air as the two of them got covered in more and more white, until they both resembled thin snowmen.
“H - oh!” Hikari gasped as her foot slipped, sending her careening into them. The both of them went toppling backwards, their view of the sky rapidly spinning.
Their back thudded against the ground as her weight crashed against their front, forcing the air out of their lungs. They watched in stunned silence as Hikari pushed herself up, just slightly, snow the same colour as her hair caking the sides of her face, her cheeks cherry red from all the exertion.
She was pure warmth, a startling contrast from the cold that surrounded them both.
And then she threw back her head and laughed, her entire body shaking with the sound of her laughter, as she stuck out her tongue to catch a snowflake, giggling as it melted. They could do nothing but suck in a breath, completely robbed of words.
“I’m glad you’re here,” she said, smiling down at them, the sincerity in her words like honey, pouring its sweet way into their heart, filling the hole that had remained open for so, so long.
With a sigh, she lowered herself back down to brush her lips against theirs, warm and soft.
“Stay,” she whispered against their lips, quiet as a breath.
It was not a demand, only a simple request. A wish - that this lovely dream that they shared, where two hearts beat in unison, would continue forevermore.
“I will,” they whispered back, finding her hand and squeezing it, making a vow.
For as long as they lived, until this life ended and the next began, they would stake their life on keeping it.
They would always return, to the woman who had become their home.
At the boundary between land and water, where the individual grains of sand toppled away to breaking waves and frothing whitecaps, two figures walked. The sea spray kissed their cheeks and flushed them red, the footsteps they left behind dissolving into sea form.
One took the hand of the other, pressing their palms together, finger aligned to finger, the breeze whipping her white hair around her face as she whispered in the ear of the other, breath lingering on their skin.
The other smiled, tracing a promise into the skin of her palm. Echoing the words she had uttered, letting them ring out into the space between them, the empty space of a world so wide, that they had seen all of but would never remember.
Black feathers began to sprout from their body, fluttering softly to the ground, as the seasons continued to turn in their unstoppable path. But none of that mattered, so long as they returned home when the cold set in once more.
I love you.