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It’s freezing outside, but the alcohol coursing through his system has Jaehyun feeling warm enough to not mind that he left his jacket back at the bar. He also disregards losing his left shoe to a ditch he stumbled in a few minutes back. It’s too dark to see more than a couple of feet ahead of him and he’s too drunk to care about his shoe situation.
His goal destination is all that matters —— an unfamiliar set of apartments that he had to look up directions to. The buildings are four stories high and labeled, thankfully, with numbers and letters. He has to reference the screenshot he took off an Instagram story that is now gone, deleted after the twenty-four-hour lasting period.
Zooming in, he squints at the slightly blurred numbers on the door in the background of the image. G730. He looks up at the building in front of him, it reads ‘B 200-250’. The layout is confusing for him, as a person who has never been to these apartments before, but he manages to find building ‘G’ after fifteen minutes of swaying and stumbling around.
One sock-covered foot, and one untied, sneaker-clad foot at a time, he climbs the first flight of stairs after not finding the right apartment on the ground level. He has no luck finding the door he’s looking for until he climbs the third flight of stairs, stumbling on the last step and almost losing his other shoe.
G730. He cheers, a little too loudly for this time of night, when he finds the right door. When he knocks, there is no answer. It is four in the morning which means he has to be home. Asleep, no doubt, but home, nonetheless.
Jaehyun knocks again, a little louder this time. A middle-aged woman with cropped brown hair pokes her head outside her door, glancing around and spotting Jaehyun. When she realizes he’s not knocking on her door, but rather her neighbor’s, she shuts her door and leaves him to it.
He feels slightly bad for starting up a round of louder, harder knocks against the heavy, blue-painted door in front of him. The lack of response is a clear indication that the person he’s looking for is asleep inside and he feels bad for waking him up. He doesn’t feel bad enough to leave, though.
His knocking becomes loud enough for anyone in the neighboring apartments to hear and he’s sure that the other residents are cussing him out in their heads, but he doesn’t care. He’s banging on the door now, close to beating the wooden structure off its hinges when suddenly, the door swings open.
“Jaehyun?” Confusion.
“Jaehyun— have you lost your mind?!” Annoyance, this time.
“Mark,” Jaehyun says his name like it’s a heavy weight being lifted off his chest, breathless and relieved.
“Do you know what time it is?!” Mark pulls back the sleeve of the hoodie he’s wearing to reveal a squared watch with a digital screen. He taps the screen to wake the device before showing the digital blue numbers to him. “Four-thirty-seven, Jaehyun. It is four in the goddamn morning.”
Jaehyun nods. He doesn’t know why he’s nodding, just trying to look like he’s listening even though he didn’t catch a single word that was said.
“Mark,” Jaehyun hiccups. He braces himself with a hand on the doorframe, keeping himself from swaying. “I needed to see you.”
Mark’s nose wrinkles briefly when he catches a whiff of the alcohol on Jaehyun’s breath. He takes off his glasses, rubbing at his eyes tiredly before looking at Jaehyun again, really looking at him.
“Are you drunk?” Mark looks down, “Why are you only wearing one shoe?”
Mark has so many questions. He doesn’t even know where to start.
“I hope you weren’t driving on the road like this— how did you get here? Better yet, how did you get this address?”
Jaehyun chooses to ignore the question about how he figured out this address. He may not be sober, but he’s not stupid —— well, he may be a little stupid, but smart enough to avoid answering Mark’s question right now. There is no correct way to say: ‘Oh, how did I get this address? I was lurking on your Instagram on a burner account after you blocked me and saw the story you posted about settling into your new place, so I took screenshots for reference and now I’m here.’ So, he won’t say that.
“I walked,” Jaehyun rubs at the back of his neck. “From the bar.”
“What bar?”
“The one by my old job.”
“Jaehyun— what the— that bar is like thirty minutes away from here by car. Why would you walk all the way here?” Mark is baffled.
“To see you,” Jaehyun responds easily, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
“Jae, you need to go home. Here, let me call you an Uber.” Mark turns to retreat into his apartment but is pulled back by a hand around his wrist, Jaehyun stopping him.
“No, don’t. Please.” He’s begging.
“You shouldn’t be here,” Mark attempts to pull his wrist away, but Jaehyun’s grip only tightens.
“Mark,” his voice breaks. “Please, I just want to see you.”
It isn’t fair, Mark thinks. It isn’t fair that his ex-boyfriend is standing here on the verge of tears, looking so fragile. It’s not fair that he can’t bring himself to turn him away.
“You shouldn’t be here,” Mark repeats. “I don’t know how you got my address to begin with, but you can’t be here…”
“Is there someone else inside?” Jaehyun looks past Mark’s head, trying to look into the little bit of the apartment he can see through the half-open front door.
Mark leans into his view, pulling the door further shut behind him, still blocking the doorway with his body.
“No, there’s no one here. But even if there was, it wouldn’t be any of your business,” Mark snaps.
Jaehyun drops the matter, tightening his grip once again when Mark makes another attempt to pull his wrist away.
“…I’m sorry,” Jaehyun sniffs.
“Come inside before you get sick,” Mark sighs, stepping back to open the door wide enough for him to enter.
Jaehyun hurries inside before Mark can change his mind. He pauses to leave his one shoe on the rack by the door before letting himself look around. It’s a small studio apartment that looks very… bland. The only noticeable piece of furniture is a mattress laid flat on the carpeted floor.
The same boxes that Mark packed up when he moved out of Jaehyun’s apartment are sitting stacked on the ground, unpacked. It may be wrong of him to feel a sense of hope at the sight, but Jaehyun can’t help it.
It’s been one month since their breakup and Mark moving out. A month is more than enough time for Mark to have unpacked completely, considering he doesn’t have many things. And yet, the majority of his boxes remain untouched, still sealed with tape. Overall, the apartment lacks any real furnishing.
“Don’t get comfortable. I'm still calling you an Uber.”
Jaehyun sits down on the low mattress. The bunched-up blankets that have been pushed back confirm that Mark had been laying down before Jaehyun woke him up with his obnoxious knocking. Oh well.
Jaehyun doesn’t hear anything Mark says. His eyes burn and he can feel a new wave of tears coming. The poor bartender who poured his drinks had to watch Jaehyun sob into the countertop earlier in the night. He was certain that he cried all his tears out, but he must be very hydrated today because here he is crying again.
This is nothing new. Jaehyun is a crybaby. A big crybaby, at that.
He does this every time they go through a breakup. You would think Mark is immune to the sight by now. But he isn’t. The waterworks tug at his heartstrings every. single. time.
“Jae, please don’t start that right now.” Despite saying this, Mark joins him on the bed, sitting cross-legged and holding out an arm, offering him a half hug.
Jaehyun ignores the side-hug offering, climbing his way onto Mark’s lap and sinking into his arms properly. ‘Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile’ —— the phrase fits Jaehyun all too well.
“Shhh no crying,” Mark doesn’t push him off his lap. Instead, rubbing his back in comforting, circular motions.
Mark’s touch is soothing, but the tears don’t stop. Jaehyun’s heart is torn to pieces and he thinks he might just die if he has to go any longer without Mark. He didn’t expect Mark to move out after their last breakup. It caught him off-guard and has him terrified because what if he really is done this time?
“Take me back, please,” Jaehyun soaks the shoulder part of Mark’s hoodie with his tears, voice wobbling as he speaks. “Please, Mark, please please please.”
Mark sighs. The sound is long, drawn out, and tired —— like Mark is exhausted. And he is. Mark is beyond exhausted. Not just because he was woken up by a series of loud knocks on his door at four in the morning, but because of Jaehyun’s behavior in general.
“Jae, I’m not doing this with you tonight.”
Mark moves to pull away and Jaehyun clings to him like a lifeline, arms and legs wrapped tight around Mark’s frame.
“Mark, please,” Jaehyun knows it’s unfair, the way he looks at Mark with a pitiful expression, eyes rimmed red, and tears actively streaming down his cheeks. “I’ll do better, this time, I promise.”
“You said that last time. And here we are again.”
“I can change, I can,” Jaehyun sniffles.
“I know you can change, Jae. But you don’t change. That’s the problem.”
“I will, this time. I promise,” Jaehyun sobs out each word, desperation laced in his tone.
“You said that last time too. And the time before that.”
Jaehyun blinks hard. His face is flushed red from the alcohol in his system, but also from crying. The tears keep coming, hot and stinging his eyes that have become puffy.
There is a frown on Mark’s lips as he reaches up to brush the tears off of Jaehyun’s cheeks with his thumbs. He’s torn, trying hard to keep himself from falling into the trap that is Jaehyun.
“I’m sorry for everything, I promise I’ll change and do better this time. I mean it.”
Jaehyun can’t blame Mark for not believing him — he doesn’t believe himself. But he’ll say whatever it takes to get Mark to take him back.
This isn’t the first time they’ve broken up. In the two years they have been dating, Mark has broken up with Jaehyun at least ten times. This time makes their eleventh.
Every time they split up in the past, Mark would take him back within a week —— two weeks if he was moderately pissed. Jaehyun thought this time would be no different, but Mark moved out, and that threw him off. Since moving out, Mark has been able to keep his distance, which is good for him but bad for Jaehyun. It has been a whole month, double the usual two-week timeframe it takes for Mark to cave.
Jaehyun had no choice other than to show up. He can’t lose Mark — he loves him too much. Perhaps, way too much.
“Please give me another chance… I love you,” Jaehyun’s tears have stopped for now. Only light sniffling is heard from him as he stares at Mark.
Mark heaves another exhausted sigh. His hands pat Jaehyun’s tear-stained cheeks before dropping to his sides. Jaehyun lifts them back up, pressing the warm palms back to his cheeks and covering Mark’s hands with his own to keep them there.
“I love you too, Jae…” There was surely going to be a ‘but’ following his words. Jaehyun cuts in before Mark can finish.
“Why did you break up with me, then?”
He regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth. Mark’s sympathetic expression drops instantly, replaced by a tense jaw and unforgiving eyes.
If Jaehyun’s legs weren’t wrapped around Mark, he would kick himself. He gets the opportunity to do just that, when Mark comes to his senses and pushes Jaehyun off of him, scooting over on the bed to put distance between them.
True to his word, Jaehyun kicks himself gently, aimed at his calf, before crossing his legs underneath himself and turning to face Mark.
“Why did I break up with you?” Mark parrots back, incredulous.
They both know that Jaehyun is aware of his wrongdoings.
“Where should I start, You being weird and aggressive towards all my friends? Your repeated jealousy tantrums? Your repeated accusations of me cheating on you with my best friend and almost ruining that friendship?”
Jaehyun bites at the inside of his cheek.
Mark is just getting started.
“All of my friends tried to warn me about your behavior, but of course, I defended you and didn’t want to listen to them but they were right. You are controlling. You don’t even like being around them, but I invited you on every outing because you would accuse me of cheating on you if I didn’t have you there.”
Jaehyun can’t argue. Mark is right. He never did get along with Mark’s friends, never liked them. The feeling was mutual, though, seeing as none of them liked Jaehyun either.
He can’t help but feel jealous, though. All of Mark’s friends are good-looking and have known Mark longer than he has. Especially his best friend, Chenle, an attractive, friendly guy who seems like he would be someone’s dream boyfriend. And yet, Chenle is single and only hangs out with Mark. Well, Mark and their mutual friend group, but mostly Mark.
Jaehyun feels like his jealousy is justified in this situation, but he keeps that to himself.
“I don’t mean to be weird or aggressive to your friends, but they make it very clear that they don’t like me, so it’s hard to get along with them.”
“The only reason they don’t like you is because of how you act, Jae. Don’t try to bullshit me right now, you know my friends have always been accepting of you, but you act like an ass every time you’re around them.”
“If they weren’t all over you, maybe I wouldn't have to be an ass,” Jaehyun grumbles under his breath, loud enough to be heard despite his muffled tone.
Mark drops his head into his hands and Jaehyun kicks himself again.
“See, that’s my point. You are convinced that anyone I interact with is trying to get with me. It’s fine that you don’t know what other people’s intentions are, but if you’re dating me, why are you questioning my loyalty?”
“You would leave and be gone for hours, Mark, what did you expect me to think?”
“I would tell you where I was going before I left, Jaehyun. It was already bad enough that I had to tell you not to come along since you are rude to all of my friends. There was no reason for you to doubt me.”
Jaehyun knows this. He knows Mark is loyal, and knows that Mark would never cheat on him. Mark is amazing. Surely, other people realize just how wonderful Mark is. And other people will want him.
That’s the problem.
Jaehyun can’t handle the fact that other people can interact with Mark. He knows he’s being illogical, but he can’t help himself.
“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says those words a lot. “I know you have never cheated on me and never would, I just get jealous and say things I don’t fully mean.”
“I know, Jae, but that’s the problem. You’re always jealous and therefore always saying those things. Not to mention your other behaviors.”
Jaehyun grimaces, he already knows what’s coming.
“Following me everywhere I go as if having my phone location on isn’t enough, lurking on all my friends’ social media, borderline stalking—”
“That was one time.”
Mark’s lips draw into a flat line, unimpressed.
“No,” he corrects Jaehyun, “It was multiple times. Following me around is one thing, but getting to a point where you’re following my best friend around too? Way too far, Jae.”
Mark is referring to Jaehyun’s incident of not so-discreetly trailing Chenle around. The first occurrence was on a day when Mark’s phone died and Jaehyun was unable to see his location. He had assumed Mark was with Chenle since he usually could be found with his best friend when not with Jaehyun. Jaehyun had driven to Chenle’s house, just to check if Mark’s car was in the parking lot. When he spotted Mark’s car, he was relieved to know that Mark was safe and not stranded somewhere.
That day led him down a slippery slope, however.
From that day forward, Jaehyun slowly but surely developed a habit of trailing Chenle around town any time Mark hung out with him. He just wanted to keep tabs on the guy. It was all going smoothly, and it wouldn't have been a problem if Chenle didn’t begin spotting him amid his indiscreet stalking.
The first time Chenle spotted him was during a lunch outing, locking eyes with Jaehyun who had attempted to blend in with pedestrians standing across the street from the restaurant he and Mark were at. The second time was at the mall where Jaehyun was spotted in a random clothing retail shop dismissively skimming a clothing rack. The store he lingered in was directly across from the shop Mark and Chenle were in. The last spotting was the worst — Jaehyun had been under the impression that Mark was with Chenle, but it turned out Mark was out with his other friends — which left Jaehyun in a position of unintentionally stalking Chenle for no reason that day. Jaehyun had been parked outside of the city’s local gym, catching Chenle’s eye when the other male exited the gym alone.
The startled look in Chenle’s eyes paired with the absence of Mark in the situation made everything so much worse. Jaehyun knew then and there that he’d fucked up. He fucked up so badly .
As Jaehyun had anticipated, being caught red-handed in his rookie stalking was the icing on the cake. Chenle had confronted Mark about Jaehyun’s obvious stalking and told Mark that it would be a while before they hung out again because he felt uncomfortable.
Jaehyun remembers the argument that night all too well. Mark was thoroughly pissed about being at risk of losing his best friend on top of all of Jaehyun’s other antics. Mark, usually laid-back and calm in tone, had raised his voice so much to the point where every heated word he spoke came out as a yell. Jaehyun had never seen him so upset. Mark’s face progressively became more and more red as he shouted without taking a breath. It was honestly surprising that they didn’t receive any formal noise complaints.
That same night, Mark packed all of his belongings and left. No amount of crying or pleading could stop him from walking out the door.
Jaehyun had spent every night since then lying awake in bed, restless and torn. His bedroom, once his favorite space, became his worst nightmare. Without Mark there, the room became too empty. Too cold. Too heartbreaking .
The amount of time Jaehyun has spent lurking on all of Mark’s social media following their breakup is record-breaking. He hasn’t gone a single day without checking for any updates, even stooping as low as creating entirely new alternate profiles on every platform so that he would be able to lurk without detection. Jaehyun is aware that he has a problem but he wouldn’t know where to begin solving it when being away from Mark actively makes his problems worse.
“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun knows he says this too much, but also not nearly enough. Those two words do him no justice. It’s his own fault, though. An apology doesn’t mean anything without sincerity and that’s something Jaehyun lacks. Sincerity.
He is sorry, but not genuinely apologetic considering he doesn’t regret any of his actions. Jaehyun is sorry that he made Mark upset. He’s sorry that he and Mark are broken up. He’s not sorry for his lack of trust in Mark’s best friend and he certainly is not sorry for creating a distance between them.
Mark doesn’t say anything, so Jaehyun continues.
“Let me fix things, please,” he pleads.
Mark sighs.
“Jaehyun—”
“ Please.” Jaehyun should stop cutting off Mark’s words, but he can’t risk losing this battle. Failing to change Mark’s mindset will only lead to their breakup being prolonged. Considering this isn’t their first separation, Jaehyun fears that it may very well be their last if he can’t get through to Mark.
“I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll…” He trails off.
When Jaehyun falls silent, Mark cuts in.
“You…? You'll do what?”
Jaehyun doesn’t want to say it. On the off-chance that this works and Mark agrees, he is unsure of whether or not he can deliver on the promise he is about to make. Still, as insincere as he may be, he has to try.
“I’ll… I’ll apologize to Chenle. I’ll apologize to all of your friends if that’s what it takes.”
Mark’s eyebrows raise in surprise. Disbelief is written all over his face and Jaehyun doesn’t blame him. They both know how much Jaehyun dislikes Mark’s friends. Especially his best friend. But Jaehyun is willing to promise anything it takes to make Mark take him back.
“You don’t mean that.”
He does not mean it one bit.
“Yes, I do. I will personally show up at their doors to deliver individualized, personal apologies to each one of them.”
“Now you’re just milking it.” Mark shakes his head.
“I mean it. I will apologize to each one of them personally, face to face, not even through text.”
Apologizing to Mark’s friends would one-hundred percent make Jaehyun’s pride scream and claw at him from the inside out. It would take every ounce of strength in him to manage it without a scoff or a scowl slipping through the cracks of his apologetic facade, but he is willing to do it. Jaehyun is willing to do whatever it takes.
“Are you genuinely willing to apologize to everyone for your behavior?”
‘Willing’ is a strong word. Nonetheless, Jaehyun nods.
“Including Chenle?”
Jaehyun almost makes a face. He catches himself at the last minute, unable to afford any slip-ups under Mark’s studying gaze. Swallowing heavily around the lump that forms in his throat, Jaehyun nods again.
“Especially Chenle,” he replies. The name leaves a bitter taste on his tongue. He’s digging himself into a grave here, but it’s too late to turn back. If he turns back now, he could lose Mark forever. Losing Mark is not an option.
Mark studies him in silence, searching his face for any sign of dishonesty.
“Alright, today then.”
It’s Jaehyun’s turn to raise his eyebrows in surprise.
“Today?”
Mark nods.
“If you truly mean it, then it shouldn’t be a problem for you to apologize as soon as possible.”
Mark is testing him. If Jaehyun hesitates, he’ll be called out on his bluff and they will be right back at square one.
“They are all supposed to be coming over today to help me fully unpack anyway, so why not seize the opportunity?” Mark continues.
Jaehyun swallows around the lump in his throat again.
“Of course, no problem. That’s perfect, I can apologize today, but…”
Mark’s eyebrows raise in question.
“But what?”
“Is there any way that they can help you move instead of unpack?”
Mark looks genuinely puzzled, the implication going right over his head.
“Help me move? Move where?”
“Back home,” Jaehyun replies without hesitating.
“Jae.”
“Mark, please. ” Jaehyun is not above begging. Never has been. Not when it comes to Mark. “You left half of your things at the apartment with me anyway. Wouldn’t it be easier to just move the few things you have here back into our apartment rather than trying to move all of your stuff over here?”
“Of course, it would be easier, but in case you forgot, we are not together right now, Jaehyun.”
Right now. Mark said they aren’t together right now. That confirms that Mark hasn’t completely written off the idea of getting back with him. Jaehyun is making progress.
“I know, but I miss you. The apartment feels so empty without you, Mark.” Jaehyun’s chest tightens. “Besides, you’re wasting money paying extra in rent for an apartment to yourself. Please, even if you don’t want to get back together, can you at least come back home?”
Mark purses his lips in thought. His silence makes Jaehyun’s heartbeat sound impossibly loud to his ears, but he’d prefer contemplative silence over Mark outright saying no. The fact that he’s thinking about it is enough to leave room for hope.
Mark caves with a sigh.
“Renting an apartment by myself is eating up a lot of my funds and it would be easier to move my stuff back in since I only brought half of my things with me…”
Yes yes yes yes, Jaehyun chants to himself in his mind.
“But,” Mark points a finger at him. “That’s only if you apologize like you said you would.”
Jaehyun nods in compliance.
Whatever it takes.
“I will, I promise.”
Mark isn’t finished.
“And me moving back in does not mean we are back together.”
Yes, it does.
“I know, I know.”
“Good. We don’t need any misunderstandings.”
Jaehyun bites his lip as he nods in false agreement.
“Since your friends are coming over later today and I’m already here, can I stay the night?”
Mark gives him another unimpressed look.
“Just trying to be convenient,” Jaehyun justifies.
“Bullshit.” Mark sees right through him. “But fine, you can spend the night. Only because you need to be here to apologize.”
“Of course.”
“And you’re helping move my stuff.”
“Gladly.”
Mark levels him with a narrowed look of suspicion.
“Go make yourself a glass of water and then lay down. You need to rest and sober up before anything.” Mark yawns. “I would like to go back to sleep now unless you would like to bang on the door like a madman some more first?”
Jaehyun’s expression goes sheepish. He’d managed to completely forget about how he got to this point in the first place. Surely, Mark’s new neighbors will have complaints about the commotion Jaehyun caused so early in the morning. But fortunately for those neighbors, they won’t have to worry about that again since Mark will be back home by tonight if everything goes according to plan.
Mark snorts at Jaehyun’s sheepish state before shooing him off toward the kitchen. Jaehyun goes easily, filling a glass with water and downing it in record time so that he can climb back into Mark’s space.
“Don’t try anything, mister.” Mark scolds when Jaehyun snuggles up against his backside, arms finding their home around Mark’s middle. “I’m still upset with you.”
“Mmhmm I know,” Jaehyun presses his face into the back of Mark’s neck, nosing at his nape. It’s one of his favorite spots to kiss, but he knows he won’t have that luxury tonight. “I won’t try anything, I’m just happy to hold you.”
Jaehyun swears he can feel Mark’s resolve fading away.
It’s not until Mark’s breathing begins to mellow out — an indication that he’s dozing off — that Jaehyun speaks again.
“Mark?”
“Hm?” Mark replies with a tired hum.
“I know we are still broken up right now, but is it too soon to ask about the odds of you giving me another chance?”
“Yes,” Mark huffs out. He’s trying to sleep and Jaehyun seems to be actively against him getting any kind of rest tonight.
“Too soon, got it.”
Mark is given peace for all of twenty seconds before Jaehyun pipes up again.
“If I ask again in an hour would it still be too soon?”
“Jaehyun, I swear to god if you wake me up in an hour, I will suffocate you with a pillow.”
“Is that a no?”
“ Goodnight, Jaehyun.”
Jaehyun grins to himself.
“Goodnight, Mark.”
He finally shuts up and allows Mark to fall asleep. For the first time in a month, Jaehyun feels like he can sleep comfortably. With Mark in his arms, he feels complete again. He stays up for a while, his face pressed into the back of Mark’s neck as he rehearses the scripted apologies he will need to deliver later on.
He told Mark he would apologize. He didn’t say he would mean it. His arms squeeze around Mark’s middle a little tighter, holding him securely. Jaehyun will never let him go. Not now, not ever.
“Whatever it takes,” he whispers against Mark’s nape, unable to resist placing a gentle kiss there before letting his eyes slip shut.