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“Lando Norris crosses the line and takes P2! The first front-row start for Mclaren at Silverstone in fifteen years!”
Eyes on the track. DRS enabled, pay attention. Every millisecond counts. Don’t overthink, but don’t not think. Oscar's mantras repeated so aggressively it felt like the walls of his head were throbbing. He couldn't stop now. Too many times had the opportunity to qualify well been taken away from him thanks to the state of his car. Until these upgrades, he felt as though he was fighting a losing battle. He was a rookie for god's sake! He needed to prove he was good enough, that he was worth it. This had been his dream for as long as he could remember, and he wasn’t about to let a shitty bit of metal take that away from him. Push, push push.
“And here comes Oscar Piastri! He’s only gone and taken P3! What an incredible session we’ve had here today at Silverstone, Mclaren is going to be proud of that one!”
He couldn't believe his ears when he heard the timings over the radio. His best qualifying session of the season, his best in Formula 1. Glee spread across his features, disguised by his helmet as he completed his cool-down lap. The sun was smiling back down at him, scaring the rain off to let him have his moment. His interview. His chance to pull up at the front in the P3 sign and partake in the post-Quali interview.
All he wanted to do was hug Lando. They’d been seeing each other for months now, having connected instantly in a fairytale manner. He remembers the first time he clapped eyes on Lando on his first day at the factory. He’d greeted him like someone he’d known all his life, with his smile transmitting a warmth that Oscar hadn’t felt in years. It was like the scorching Australian sun, but somehow more homely. His soft tone, patience and kindness had Oscar following him around like a lovesick puppy. Not exactly how he thought his first day on the job would begin, but how could he not have developed a crush on him? They connected instantly and went from colleagues to friends who would find any excuse to hang out together. Oscar can’t quite remember how they went from friends to, well, boyfriends, but that didn't matter. The few months between his introduction and pre-season testing involved many late nights, takeaways their trainers would be less than impressed with, and one too many ‘friendly’ hugs for their relationship to be passed off as platonic.
All Oscar knew is he enjoyed Lando’s company, hearing him talk. Watching him play silly games for his Twitch viewers from a seat out of the camera frame. Oscar quickly concluded that the other man's hugs felt like home. His aftershave? His favourite smell. The feeling of their lips pressed together to set off fireworks in his stomach that he never thought he’d feel. Entering the world of motorsport fairly young meant his late teens and early twenties were spent under the prying eyes of the media. He didn't get to be himself, before Lando. Any previous crushes he’d shut down under the guise of wanting to prioritise his career. In reality, he’d never felt good enough. Growing up closeted was difficult, he was frightened. Frightened he was too much. Frightened that somehow, he’d mess everything up. He was frightened that once he said he liked someone, he couldn't return it.
But Lando walked in, with his silly curly hair, piercing eyes and comforting smile, and trampled over all the walls the younger had built. And Oscar decided he didn’t mind that, not at all.
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After drifting through the hustle and bustle of interviews, rouge fans and the media pen, Oscar found himself standing in the Mclaren garage celebrating with the team. Well, more staring at Lando from across the room, selfishly wanting the engineers to stop shaking his hand and hugging him so they could sneak off for the night and finally experience some calm. Even now, Oscar couldn't suppress the butterflies dancing around his stomach every time Lando smiled at him or made eye contact for a little bit too long. The pride bubbling inside him was overwhelming, and he was desperate to savour the moment Lando got a minute to dart across the garage and give him a bone-crushing hug. Unsurprisingly, both men had tears forming in their eyes as they embraced, managing to talk without saying a word. They had this magical way of knowing what the other was saying without vocal communication, and this was Lando’s way of expressing his pride. Trying to stay professional in a moment like this was near soul-destroying, as all Oscar wanted to do was cling to Lando, revel in his warmth and stay in that moment forever. They pulled away prematurely, but not before Lando managed to whisper a “you did good” quietly, so only Oscar could hear him.
Without even thinking, the words “I love you” formed on the tip of Oscar's tongue. Not here. Not now. It had already nearly slipped out a few weeks ago, and he kept having to suppress the words fighting to escape. The feeling was so strong and overwhelming that it was getting harder to keep his subconscious in check. But it had to be special. It couldn’t be here.
But how could he possibly keep this larger-than-life feeling to himself? How could he not be in love with him? Everything about Lando had Oscar mesmerised. The way he would hold him in the morning, giving into Oscars begs for ‘five more minutes’. The way he would comfort him in moments of need, or give reassurance without even asking for it. The way Lando always knew everything, even when Oscar didn’t. The way he remembered his coffee order was as though it had been programmed into his brain forever. Lando's gentleness, his humour. The way his face moved when he laughed, or how behind closed doors, he was an emotional sap. It was like he had cast a spell on Oscar, and even though he tried to resist its sweet enticement, he failed.
Maybe that was for the best, though. Because the sun always shone with Lando, Oscar had found. Even when it felt like the world was crumbling around him, and he had given all his fight, Lando had a way of reigniting his spark and giving him the courage to continue. Oscar had concluded that nobody but Lando could do that for him, not even his dearest friends.
The debrief, data analysis and seemingly endless meetings morphed into a blur. The longer the team spoke at him, the more he felt his eyes wrestle to stay open. Lando had noticed, sneaking a hand onto his thigh for a few seconds when everyone else was wrapped up in the graphs projected in front of them. I love him. I love him. I love him.
From then, the only thing on Oscar's mind was getting back to his hotel, collecting a bag and sneaking off into the comforting darkness of the night to Lando’s hotel. After a mix-up in bookings, the two had ended up in separate hotels, which made the night-time sneaking around even harder. They made it work, though. They always had. Oscar was convinced they could make anything work because he was in love.
But was it too soon? Despite the endless reassurance from his partner, he couldn't shake the mean thoughts gnawing through his strength. His past relationships were disastrous, to say the least. They had never lasted long, and each one left Oscar with declining hope of ever finding true love. What if he was too much? What if his schedule was tiring? What if Lando didn't want to keep sneaking around anymore? What if saying “I love you” was the straw that broke the camel's back? Rationally he knew this wasn't the case, but since Lando came along and stole his heart, things had been almost too good. His relationships never lasted this long and never went without angst. Maybe Lando would be frightened by such heavy and meaningful words after a short time together. Maybe Lando would be disgusted with him, pushing it too far too soon and leaving. What if those words made Lando realise he could do so much better? What if he managed to push him away? What if he left? He didn’t want Lando to leave.
He couldn't lose him. He wouldn't be able to move on. They’re colleagues for god's sake! They’d have to come to work, put on brave faces and pretend like everything was okay! Oscar couldn't comprehend the idea of working as a team when said teammate had hypothetically broken his heart.
Oscar decided if overthinking suddenly became a sport, he’d ditch racing in a heartbeat. Three stupid words that he hadn't been brave enough to utter had sent him into a spiral. The team surrounding him suddenly became fuzzy blobs, their voices mixing in an offensive concoction. Nothing was registering, he could feel his heartbeat pounding through his ears aggressively.
And he hasn't even said anything. Yet.
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12:03am. Darkness surrounding the streets of a humid Britain. Everyone had retired to bed after what felt like a lifetime. Coast was clear.
Knocking on Lando’s door, he felt anxiety rise in his chest. What if he blurted it out? He couldn't blurt it out. But he couldn't let the spiral take him any further, or Lando would notice. How on earth was he meant to play that one-off? Oscar had always been a terrible liar and Lando knew that. Far too many times had the younger tried to claim he was okay, yet one more “Are you sure?” from Lando had him breaking down, allowing himself to feel. He needed to work on that.
“Hey, you,” Lando said softly, snapping him out of his tiring thoughts. Oscar pulled the man into a tight embrace without saying anything, clinging on as though he was about to be taken away. I love him. I love him. I love him.
After a few seconds, they pulled away, not risking being caught out by someone they knew, or didn't know for that matter. At such a critical point in their careers, they couldn't risk having their relationship leaked to the media.
Wasting no time, Oscar discarded his bag on the floor of the room, leaving it neatly next to Lando’s shoes and jacket hanging up beside a mirror in the hallway. The room was significantly bigger than Oscars, white sheets of the king sized bed screaming out to him, pillows begging for two tired heads to give them comfort. A flickering yellow lamp was the only light source present, the glint of the moon seeping through the curtains that Oscar noticed didn't shut properly. Anyone else would find it irritating, but not Oscar. The moon was comforting, its shining light similar to that of Lando’s aura. Or maybe that was because wherever he went, there were traces of Lando left behind like fragments of a puzzle. He was always there.
Clad in nothing but an oversized mclaren t-shirt and shorts, Lando padded over to the bed, sacrificing his preferred sleeping spot for Oscar, who had already made himself comfy, pulling on his sleepwear and clambering beneath the sheets.
“C’mere, you did good today, darlin” Lando spoke gently, and of course Oscar obliged. Settling down into Lando’s open arms felt like coming home. Relaxing instantly, he laid his head across the other man's chest, waiting for him to habitually begin running his hand through his messy hair. That's another thing he loved about Lando.
“You did good too, though. P2 is incredible, I've never seen that garage more lively.” Oscar had always been bad at taking compliments, accepting praise. He never wanted to override the other man's achievements. Lando had worked so hard, so tirelessly to get this far. Oscar knew that better than anyone. His text messages to the other begging him to come home from the simulator before he burnt himself out proved it.
Lando muttered something in response, but those three words returned to the forefront of Oscar's brain and turned every noise into distorted nothingness. He was all too aware he was being too quiet, and apparently missed his cue to reply.
“Hey, did you hear me? What do you think, we go together yeah? We both did good.” and all oscar could muster was a nod in response. Lando sat upright at this, encouraging Oscar to follow suit. Oh god, he’d noticed.
“What's going on? I noticed earlier you zoned out intensely and that usually happens when you’re spiralling. I didn’t want to pry, I didn't think you’d appreciate it in front of everyone but I'm worried about you, sweet.”
His heart was pounding again, that same bassline that flushed adrenaline through his body and sent his hands horrifically clammy. Helplessly, tears glassed over his eyes, desperately threatening to escape.
“You’re not going to scare me, love. What’s going on?”
And that was it. The tears fell freely, and if the time wasn’t now, it would never come. And Oscar couldn't keep this to himself forever. It’d be the death of him if he did. He needed Lando to know, even if this was what ruined them.
“Iloveyou” quiet. Jumbled. But it was good enough.
Silence, heavy breathing. Quiet sobs.
“Tell me again? I didn’t catch that”
“I love you, Lando. And I know it’s too soon and I get it if you don’t feel the same and this has made you uncomfortable and you don’t see me the same anymore. But I can’t not love you, you know? I’ll go, it’s okay, I don't expect anything in return. I just had to tell you before anything bad happened.”
“Oscar.”
“I know this will be too much, and everything's been almost too good to be true. Things like this, things like us, aren't meant to happen to people like me. I am so sorry, but I needed you to know. It’s nearly slipped out so many times and I can’t hold onto this feeling alone anymore.”
“Oscar.”
“Please just, don’t shout. Ple-” the younger was stopped abruptly by the feeling of Lando’s lips on his. Warm, loving, meaningful. Time froze, the stray tear rolling down Oscars face caught by the hand cupping his cheek. More heavy breathing as they pulled away, Lando locking eyes with the bloodshot ones of his partner. Taking the pad of his thumb and gently wiping away the water seeping from Oscars eyes.
“I love you too, and seeing you up there today, seeing the pride in your eyes, seeing everyone surround you full of well wishes, well that sedimented it, I’m not going anywhere, I promise. Oscar, you make me the happiest I have ever been, and I promise, whatever happens, we go together okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
Oscar lunges forward to deliver Lando another bone-crushing hug. He knows Lando knows what that means. Safety. They would be okay. He hadn't ruined it. I love him. I love him. I love him.
And he knew that no matter what happened, they went together. He knew they’ll be alright, because they had the love of one another to see them through. And that, Oscar concluded, was always enough.