Work Text:
It started slowly and then built up all at once.
She leaves the foundry rather abruptly the first night, fighting back her cries as she runs up the metal stairs. Tears threaten to spill over her cheeks and she barely remembers how she gets home.
She couldn't talk to him, not when he was like that. Not when the rage blinded him and all he could see was red. The failures kept piling up and her name was written all over it. Sometimes she got it and other times she didn't. But this time it cost someone their life. If she had given him the right location, if he would have had the right information, then the man with the three kids and a wife would still be alive. He'd be coming home tonight, happy to see the family he's worked so hard for. Instead, he was in a grave six feet under and it was all because of her.
And to top it all off she had the crabby ass vigilante lecturing her about responsibilities and priorities.
"I need your head here." Oliver had said, venom in his eyes as he looked to her.
"What's that supposed to mean?" She nearly shrieked, getting up from her chair as her hands balled into fists.
Diggle was already shaking his head, ready to break up the fight but Oliver stopped him.
"I need your head here in Starling City. You've been gone for too long and that's why we're behind now."
Felicity coouldn’t believe what she was hearing. She stepped closer to him, never before hating the close distance between them. "I'm sorry that I've created a life outside of the one I lead here. But when I'm here I give it my all and sometimes I don't think you realize that. I'm trying my best, Oliver. You're acting as if I'm not affected by what just happened. Because of me that man is dead!" She felt the air being pulled from her chest, her skin suddenly becoming too tight. "I mean, God, all you're doing is yelling at me! That's all you do now! Ever since Central City-"
"Ever since Barry-"
"Oh my God!" Felicity stomped her foot, anger rushing straight towards her heart. "You can not be serious!" She stalked over to grab her purse along with her jacket that was slung over her chair. "Call me when you get your head out of your ass and back into Starling City because I honestly can't look at you right now."
She was walking away when she heard John's offer to drive her home. But she already felt the tears spilling down her face and she couldn't trust her voice right then. And that's how she ended up in bed, snuggled up against the covers and staring at the blackness of the ceiling. She knew her eyes were puffy and sore from the crying and her throat felt raw. All she wanted was his support and all he gave in return was disappointment.
Oliver was the one to calm her down in tough situations. He brought her comfort and support and she returned the favor happily. They were each other's rock, they were each other's friend and even if she craved for more she'd settle for this. Because having him in her life was better than no Oliver at all. She just didn't understand his issue with Barry and Central City. They were her friends there and have helped her countless of times with missions for Oliver. They were loyal and kept one of the most important secrets in her life. She trusted them so why couldn't Oliver? Why was he so resentful? Why was he such a complete asshole sometimes? Why-
A rapid knocking at her bedroom window stirs Felicity from her thoughts. She sits up slowly in her bed, knowing exactly who it was. His silhouette is outlined through the glass and she sees his shadow on the beige carpet. He won't come in unless she opens the window, even though he knows how to get in without the lock. He respects her space enough to stay put and she can at least give him that.
Hesitantly she walks to the window, pressing her fingers against the cool glass. His eyes stare at her palms, a frown pulling at the edges of his lips. She can see the guilt in his eyes as well as a hundred other emotions he allows her to see. An unspoken apology seems to run through them and Felicity sighs.
She run her hand down the glass to the lock and unlatches it before pushing up. It gives him enough room to climb in and suddenly it's just them and the darkness, silence filling the distance between them.
And then his arms are around her, pulling her into him. They band around her securely and she sighs into his embrace, her arms circling around his neck. She buries her face into the crook of his shoulder as a sob rasps in her chest.
"I killed him," she chokes out, her fingers curling into his shirt. "It's because of me that he's dead."
"Felicity, no. None of this is your fault."
She keeps shaking her head as the cries wreck through her. At first he mumbles apologies, the word 'sorry' forever echoing in her mind. After a while it's reassurances, quiet and soft over and over again. In the end it turns to just her name, barely audible because he speaks so gently.
"No more fights." She whispers after a while, her fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. "Please."
He's nodding before she even finished. "You're right, I'm sorry. I was out of line."
"I don't want to talk about it." Felicity says and then motions to her bed. "I just want to sleep."
"Of course." He stands still, waiting for her to leave him but she remains at his side. "Felicity-"
"Would you stay? Just until I fall asleep?" She squeezes her eyes shut, hoping to God she isn't being a complete freak, but the thought of being alone makes her stomach churn. If he was just there, watching her, letting her mind slip would be a whole lot easier. She feels safer with him near, like nothing bad can ever touch her.
She could have sworn a smile played at his features but in the darkness it was hard to tell.
"Anything you want, Felicity."
She's so exhausted that she barely realizes how awkward it is at first. He doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands as she snuggles into her pillow like before. There's some hesitation, she senses, but soon he settles in next to her. His head is laid propped up on the headboard and his ankles are crossed with his boots lying next to the bed. She doesn't remember him taking them off but she supposes that really didn't matter. He's here and despite the fact that he wasn't going to be there in the morning, she tries focusing on the now.
"Stop thinking, Felicity." He says suddenly, the bed shifting underneath them. "Go to sleep."
She rolls her eyes even though he can't see it and finally shuts her eyes. It doesn't take long to slip away after that.
The next morning she vaguely remembers the window opening and shutting. It's around five a.m, just an hour before she has to get up for work. When she rolls over she notices his side of the bed is still warm and she can't help smiling into the sheets as she falls back asleep.
-
Everyone develops bad habits. But this was like an addiction. All they had was one hit and they were hooked.
It continues a week later when the night ends with too close of a call. She heard the shot and Oliver nearly bleed to death as he waited for Digg. He was in an alley somewhere in the Glades, off patrolling when he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Felicity was quickly typing away, trying to get a location on him for Digg all the while hearing Oliver's rasping breaths. Her hands never shook so much.
Almost twenty minutes later Digg's dragging his limp body down the stairs. She already prepared the table and was ready to stitch him up but she froze. It might have been the amount of blood he was covered in or the way his eyes were closed painfully, but she couldn't go near him. Digg was barking out orders to her, yelling for every medical supply in the book, and yet all she could do was stare blankly.
That was until Digg came rushing towards her, his blood soaked hands squeezing her shoulders. "Felicity, get it together. He'll die if we don't move fast, understand?"
The fear kept up inside of her but that one word brought her hurdling back to earth. Digg's far away voice now seemed like a megaphone in her face, words still slipping from his mouth as Oliver laid still. The monitor that he's hooked up to began to flatline and that's all Felicity needed.
She grabs the medical kit from under the table and begins unloading the necessary supplies. Beside her Digg's preparing the paddles to shock Oliver's heart. The constant, long beep is filling the silence of the room and Felicity holds back the tears as Digg yells 'clear'.
She waits with baited breath, eyes glued to the monitor as the beep continues to ring through the room. Digg does it once again and she steps back this time, turning her head because she can't bare to see his body jolt.
It takes them one more try before the sound of his racing heart fills her ears. Almost instantly Felicity springs into action, gathering the suture kit as John begins to hook him up to fluids. They work in relative silence and she has to stop several times until her hands cease shaking. It was important to clean the wound before stitching and she breathes a sigh of relief to see it was a through and through bullet wound. So long as they stopped the bleeding and closed him up, he'd be fine.
Oliver would be fine.
She keeps repeating it over and over in her mind as she works on him. Digg finishes his part long before she's halfway through and offered to stay until she finished. He never liked her walking the streets of the Glades so late at night and always walked her to her car after they were done for the night. But there was no way she was leaving Oliver by himself.
So she respectfully declines and positions herself on the couch after checking and rechecking her work. Everything was clean and stitched and his heartbeat was strong, pulsating throughout the room. It's only hours later that her heart rate returns to a normal pace and she even lets her eyes close for a moment. But that moment is extended far longer than she originally intended it to be.
Her eyes flutter open to a limping Oliver hovering over her. He has a blue blanket clutched in his hand and is preparing to drape it over her, completely oblivious that she woke up. She watched him for only a second, not quite registering that he's up and moving around. It's only when the cloth hit her skin that she bolted upright.
"Oliver!" Her hands immediately went to his arms, stopping his ministrations. "Are you okay? What are you doing? You should be resting." Her mouth ran a mile a minute, eyes searching over his face. "What time is it?"
He smiles softly and there's something more to it than she's seen before. But he's answering her questions before she has time to consider it. "I'm fine, Felicity. You didn't have to stay."
She sits up slowly, rubbing her eyes underneath her glasses. "No, I wanted to. I had to make sure you got through the night."
"Digg could have done that." Oliver laments, a disapproving look on his face.
"I wanted to though." Felicity says quietly. "You coded and you lost so much blood and I couldn't leave until you were completely stable. But I guess I dozed off." She frowns at the confession. "I'm sorry. Do you need anything? Are the stitches okay? Digg's been teaching me but we were so pressed for time tonight that-"
"Felicity," he bends down, winces slightly, and reaches his hands out to squeeze her shoulders. "I'm fine, everything's alright." His eyes run over her face. "You did great...thank you."
She finally smiles up at him and feels her face flush at the closeness. But he pulls away, straightening up as she gets up from the couch. She stretches her arms to the ceiling and yawns, glancing briefly at the clock behind them. It's just around three a.m and she figures if she walked fast enough to the car she'd go unnoticed. And now she's pretty much awake so there'd be no chance at falling asleep at the wheel. They sounded like good odds to her.
"You're not going home." Oliver says, breaking her out of her train of thought.
Her eyes widen slightly after realizing she said all of that out loud. "Oliver, I'm fine." She tries to convince him, shrugging her shoulders as she steps back. "I'm only ten minutes from here."
"You're twenty."
She points at him. "That's with traffic."
He sighs. "Felicity, it's late and I don't trust this area. Just do me a favor and stay. I'll even give you the cot."
She presses her hand over her heart in mock-astonishment. "Really? The cot?"
Oliver narrows his eyes. "Please?" He says. "For my peace of mind?"
She hesitates for only a moment before nodding. It is late and as she takes another look at him he could probably use the extra monitoring. Even though they were all excuses, she ignores them and makes her way over to the cot he has in the corner. She grabs her duffle bag that sits only a few feet away containing her workout clothes to change into. If she's staying the rest of the night she might as well be comfortable.
After she changes and puts away her bag, she notices Oliver is standing in the same exact spot. The blue blanket is still clutched in his hand and he seems spaced out, eyes staring off into the back of the foundry. She isn’t able to take him off guard as he notices her entrance right away.
"Hey." She says, stepping around him to head towards the couch.
"I said you could take the cot."
Felicity shrugs and begins arranging the pillows on the cushions. "You need it more than I do."
"At least take this." He walks over to her and drapes the blanket over the back of the couch. She thinks he's going to walk away but instead he steps closer to her, completely invading her personal space. For a moment she thinks it's the painkillers deciding his actions for him but then she remembers he never took any and that makes her stomach flip. Before she realizes it his hand is coming up to cup her cheek and he leans in slightly, his lips going to her ear. "Thank you, for today." He whispers and then slowly, gently, presses his lips to her forehead. "I wouldn't know what to do without you."
She stands there shocked for a moment, intensely focusing on the feeling of his lips against her skin. And then just as it happens the moment's over and he's pulling away, smiling down at her softly before going back to the cot. She can practically feel the heat radiating off of her face as she climbs back on the couch, pulling the blanket down on her as she settles in. It smells like Oliver and as the lights go out she can't help but smile into the fabric.
-
It's as normal of a night as any, yet the cycle continues.
The day turned out longer than Felicity expected. Being Oliver's executive assistant isn't as easy as it might seem and seeing as Oliver doesn't like the word "work" or "responsibilities" and prefers his night job better, there's always a lot to do. Along with that issue, today the world seemed to fall apart at QC. If it wasn't the copy machine it was the files stored on her computer or the IT Department falling apart downstairs. So on top of doing her job she was also running down eighteen floors to fix the problems no one else could handle. She didn't get home until almost eleven which accounted for the time she took to get something to eat. Her stomach was practically growling as she towed her bags into her apartment.
Felicity was still in her heels and work dress when there was a knock at her door. She was in mid bite of her lasagna that she picked up from an Italian place a few blocks from QC and set her fork down disappointingly. To her surprise it was Oliver on the other side looking completely...wrecked.
By this time it was nearly eleven thirty and he seemed so unsure, especially when he took in her appearance.
"I'm sorry." He says, almost instantly. "Are you busy?"
It takes her a second to register what he's implying. "Oh no! I just got home a little while ago from work. Things at the office were a little crazy today after you left and I ran late. But it was fine, don't worry." She bites her tongue, attempting to stop herself from talking anymore. Oliver definitely looks far from worried about the office but more worried about crashing her night. "I actually just picked up dinner...do you want to come in?" She winces while saying it, not sure if that's why he came here at all.
"Are you sure?" He asks, his voice still quieter than she's used to.
"Of course," she opens the door wider and proceeds to take off her shoes as he walks past her.
As she closes the door her eyes scan the living room and she curses herself for not being more neat. It wasn't a complete disaster like it was last week but it certainly wasn't clean.
"Don't mind the mess." She says moments later, attempting to straighten up as she talks. "I'm almost never home which is weird because then there shouldn't be a mess. Figures." She's nervous which is why she's babbling. It isn't every day Oliver Queen shows up at her place during the night to talk and there isn't any part of him that seems okay.
"It's fine, Felicity." There something about the way he says her name that makes her heart ache. "Finish your dinner, don't mind me."
She's making her way back to the kitchen, turning her head as she talks. "Do you want anything? Half a lasagna? Some water?"
He simply shakes his head. "No, thank you."
Felicity nods slowly, eyeing her food and then glancing back over to Oliver. She can't bring herself to eat when he looks like that. "Oliver...did something happen?" She asks softly, as if she were speaking to an injured animal, not wanting to spook him.
He runs a hand down his face and begins pacing in her living room. There's multiple times where he looks like he's about to say something but thinks better of it. Instead he stays silent and continues pacing, completely ignoring her worried looks.
"Oliver." She's coming over to him faster than he realizes and it takes him off guard when he finds her right in front of him. She looks determined and possibly scared but she won't show it. And then her hands are cupping his face and her eyes are burning into his, full of concern. "Oliver."
For a moment he doesn't know what to say until the reason why he's there is tumbling out of his mouth. "Can I stay here? Tonight?"
"Oh, um, yeah." She's nodding too much but can't seem to stop. "Yeah, yeah that's fine. You can stay here. Tonight."
Oliver sighs and closes his eye tightly. "I'm sorry, this is weird. I should just go." He's walking towards the door before she can get a word out and it's only her touch that brings him back.
"Can you at least tell me what happened?"
That only seems to tear his face apart further and he falls back onto the couch. Felicity follows him and sits on the coffee table across from him.
"I can't sleep." He finally whispers after what seems like hours. "I don't sleep. But I found, the last few times it happened, that I sleep better with you." He's shaking his head, his cheeks turning a faint red. "And I realize how ridiculous this sounds so that's why I'm going to leave. I'm sorry if I interrupted your dinner."
"Oliver," Felicity sighs, grabbing his arm so he doesn't make an attempt to move. "Oliver, stop."
He doesn't look at her until she says his name again.
"Oliver. I get it, okay? Digg's told me about your nightmares before and I know ever since the Glades that it's been hard. So I don't mind, I don't mind at all actually." She looks up at him and smiles softly, squeezing his hand before getting up. "I'm going to get my food. Are you sure you don't want anything?"
He declines again and watches her walk away, surprised by how calmly she took the whole thing. There's an ease about her as she comes back with her plate and she motions for him to hand her the remote. He almost instantly relaxes and is comforted by how easy it all seems now. Sitting in the foundry a few hours ago, he was restless and his eyes refused to close, despite how tired he was. All he wanted was a few hours and then he'd be up again, just in time to start the day. But he knew it was far from accomplishable, which brought him here. Remembering the ease he felt with her in the other room or right next to her as they fell asleep was too good of a feeling to pass up. He thought it couldn't have hurt to try.
And it certainly didn't.
"Move over, you practically take up the whole couch." Felicity says as she attempts to balance her plate on her knees. "Do you care what we watch?"
He shakes his head and watches as she fiddles with the remote in her hand. He feels his lips turn upwards but she doesn't notice. Her eyes are glued to the screen, scanning each show as she passes the channels rather quickly. In the end they settle for a cooking competition show that she seems to know rather well. She tells him it's the episode she never saw so he has to be quiet which he's perfectly fine with. He doesn't even watch the screen as his eyes are trained on her.
She's done with her food before the show is over and settles in next to him. At first she seems unsure but throws caution to the wind as she grabs the blanket behind them and covers herself. It's almost one in the morning but she claims she always stays up this late.
"Just one more episode and then I'll go to bed." She tells him, leaning her head against his shoulder. "Okay?"
"Whatever you want, Felicity." He murmurs.
She nods but in the matter of minutes she's fast asleep. A soft snoring is his first clue and when he looks down at her he sees her eyes are closed. Her mouth is slightly parted and her glasses are drooping down her nose. He takes them off gently and scoops her up in his arms. The door to her bedroom is open and he walks slowly, taking it in.
There's clothes thrown askew all over her floor and he sees a laptop set up on a desk pressed up against the wall. There's a clock on her nightstand along with a few books he's never heard of. A landline phone sits next to a lamp and he notices her walls are painted a soft purple color. The bed is perfectly made and he has to pull back the covers slightly to tuck her in. She doesn't so much as stir which indicates how tired she actually is. He can't help but feel guilty as the large workload is mostly his fault. He should have been there for her more, helped manage the chaos at QC instead of immersing himself in the Hood business. There were things that could have waited that would have resulted in Felicity getting home at a decent time. Instead she’s passing out on the couch at one in the morning and barely finishing her dinner.
Oliver looks down at her sleeping form and frowns. She deserves a lot better than what’s handed to her in her life now. He wishes he could give her the time and help she needs to not come home at night completely drained. That's why he shouldn't be here. He isn’t good enough for her and only plagues her life. She'd be able to do so much better without the Hood and job complications filling her life. Everything was fine until-
Felicity jerks awake suddenly, her breathing rapid and eyes roaming everywhere. "Oliver?"
"Sorry, I just brought you to bed."
She sits up, hand placed on her chest as she nods. "Oh."
"Are you okay?"
"Bad dream."
Oliver squeezes his eyes shut briefly. "Do you need anything-"
"Can you-"
They speak at the same time and Felicity laughs, shaking her head. "Do you mind staying here? You can go back to the couch but just until I fall asleep? That dream, um," she pauses and swallows hard, "wasn't fun."
"As long as you're okay with that." It’s actually more than okay. He never thought she would ask.
Felicity nods. "Looks like we'll both be getting a good night’s sleep."
Oliver makes his way around to the other side of the bed. He hesitates briefly, not sure if he should sleep in his jeans, but decides against it. Quickly he slips them off, leaves his shirt on and gets into the bed next to her.
Tonight seems different than the others and the mood shifts as he gets underneath the covers. Felicity’s facing the ceiling, her hands intertwining as she fidgets quietly. The dream is bugging her more than she’s letting on and he has no idea how to comfort her. A part of him is tempted to roll over, wind his arms around her waist and pull her in. He can imagine the tension releasing from her rigid form and the small sigh that would escape her lips.
He wonders what it would be like to come home to her. After a long day to find her warm in their bed, sleeping soundly as he'd climb in next to her. Would she roll over and fall into him? Would he pull her in instead? It could be different each night and Oliver can imagine falling asleep to the sound of her steady heartbeat. They'd be safe and happy. It seems impossible now but in his mind it didn't appear to be hard. With them things are effortless and he wishes, God does he wish, that everything else could slip away and it can just be them. That his conscious can settle down and everything can be how it should.
But that's not how it works.
There’s a moment in the middle of the night where he feels her roll over and rest her head on his chest. She’s obviously sleeping, completely unaware of her actions and he can only imagine the face she'd be make if she knew what she was doing. But without hesitation, his mind still clogged in a hazy sleep state, he winds his arm around her and falls asleep to her slow, even breathing.
-
Their "once in awhile" turns into almost every night. They don't talk about it and Oliver almost never comes while she’s awake. It’s usually later, when she’s half asleep in front of the TV or already tucked in bed when she hears her front door or bedroom window open. She stops locking the door so he's able to get in but still gets lectured on it from time to time. She'd always shrug her shoulders and ignore him, still having the full intention of doing it anyway. How would he get in anyway? She sure as hell isn’t going to have him breaking down her door each night. It's bad enough that her neighbors don't like her. The last thing they would want is the hooded vigilante to come bursting through the halls late at night.
Felicity always wondered, though, how he came to the apartment. Did he act natural and always come through the front door, like he lived here? Or did he simply sneak through the window and get ready right in her room? She wonders if he brought a bag and got undressed in her hallway. But maybe he came in her room instead and left a bag right by the door. Did he brush his teeth? Comb his hair in her bathroom mirror? Undress right in front of her without her even knowing? Just the thought of it made her cheeks flush.
Who knew she wouldn't be wondering all of this for too long.
After the foundry one night Felicity goes straight home to do even more research on an escaped convict. He got out of a high security prison with the help of some security guards a few days ago and the whole city has been on high alert. The man is supposed to be ruthless; a cold blooded killer in the eyes of the SCPD. He prefers to torture, drawing out the deaths as long as possible before making his kill. It both disgusts and intrigues Felicity at the same time and she can't help but learn more about him. She knows the hours are ticking by as she scrolls down on her tablet but she can't help herself.
She's surrounded by the darkness of her room, completely comfortable as she reads on the last kill before he was caught. Most of his victims were women but surprisingly the last one was a male, perhaps a guy in the wrong place as the wrong time. In the end his body was dismembered but the burns on his skin were horrific. Felicity swallows hard and looks up for a moment before reading any further. She can feel the goosebumps pop up on her skin and in the corner of her eye she notices a shadow. It's by the window and-
She jumps when the window flies open. Well, not flies per-say, but it goes up. It takes everything in her not to shriek and she only sinks down further in the bed as she watches the figure climb into her room. Her heart's beating a mile a minute and she's racking her brain for anything that could be used as a weapon against her. God, if worse comes to worse she'll have to use the tablet.
Have mercy on her.
And then-
"Felicity?" He's above her and his hand is coming down on the covers.
"Oliver?" She sits up rather suddenly which has him stepping back a few feet. "Oh, thank God."
His face immediately shows concern. "Is everything alright?"
Now she feels ridiculous and debates on even telling him what's got her spooked. He'd never let her get this involved with another case again.
Oh well.
"Yeah, everything's fine, sorry. I was just reading up on Gary Mason and his murders and it was just freaking me out. And then my window starts to open and this figure is coming out of it and I just really need some sleep. Looking at crap like this at two a.m isn't going to benefit me at all."
A soft chuckle escapes his lips. "No, it won't." He looks around for a second as she locks her tablet. His eyes follow her movements as she places it on the nightstand beside her. "I'm just gonna-"
"Sure, yeah," Felicity slides over on the bed towards her side and brings the pillows down to lay flat. They were all stacked behind her to rest on the headboard and she even has to put a few back to the right side where Oliver sleeps. (She refuses to call it Oliver's side though because that's just too much. This is her bed, her house and Oliver is her friend. That's all this has to be. This is all it can be.)
(Right?)
Right?
She shakes her head as she lays back down and her heart does a flip as she feels the right side sink in. She suddenly wishes she was fast asleep, realizing that it really doesn't matter how he gets ready for bed. The awkwardness is eating at her or maybe it's not awkward, just weird that Oliver Queen is getting into bed with her. And it's not because she asked him to stay or a bad dream woke her up or he almost died. He's doing it because...because he wants too. And yes he has bad dreams and he lives in a basement but it's not Laurel's bed he's climbing into....
Felicity rolls her eyes and removes the thoughts from her head. She squeezes her eyes shut and shifts gently on the bed so to not make too much movement. Soon she finds herself wide awake and wants to curse herself for it. All the tricks to fall asleep slip her mind and she results to counting backwards and imagining tiny sheep jumping over a fence.
After what seem like hours she peels an eye open and sees it's just after three in the morning. Why she does this to herself she doesn't know but being Felicity Smoak it's kind of expected.
Oliver's breathing is slow and steady behind her which makes her quietly get up and pad out of the room. Once outside she lets out a deep breath and runs a hand over her face. This is complicated, really, really complicated and maybe she's not up for that. Maybe she's not up for the one person occupying her mind non stop to be right next to her while she sleeps. Call her crazy but that just can't be good.
Without thinking she goes to the kitchen and grabs her keys on the counter. Ever since she was little there's always been a drive in her to bolt, to take a few when things cloud her mind that she doesn't understand. And tonight is no different.
Maybe just a few minutes, she thinks, that'll help.
So she drives around the block a few times, let's her mind wander as she turns down street after street. Eventually her eyes begin to droop and she takes that as a sign to head back. She's so tired when she walks in through the door that she doesn't think she'll even make it to the bed. But before she even comes through the door she's met with a rock solid body and a booming voice.
"Where have you been?" Oliver's eyes are wild and she can see the bruised bags underneath them.
All the lights are on in her apartment and she can see his cell phone clutched tightly in his hand. Everything looks torn apart and his chest is practically heaving. She's not sure what she just walked into but something tells her it's all her fault.
"Oliver-"
"You can't just leave like that Felicity. When I woke up and saw that you were gone my mind went straight to the worse. And to top it all off you didn't even have your phone with you. How is that okay? How is leaving in the middle of the night okay? What were you thinking? Why did you even leave?" He's grabbing her and shoving her into the apartment, slamming the door behind her. She's never seen him this angry before, not even when they fought. There was always an amount of control he was keeping. But this time is different. He can barely look at her straight and his mouth’s running a mile a minute. It’s like he was completely shoved off the edge.
"I just," she’s searching for words but failing to find any. "I'm sorry I just needed...a few minutes-"
"To do what? You know Mason is still on the loose. What if you ran into him? What if he found you? You could have been killed!"
Felicity sighs and pushes past him, anger suddenly filling her chest. "Oliver, stop. Nothing happened and I'm fine. I just needed to run out for a minute and now I'm back. No harm, no fowl. Everything's fine."
"No it's not. I didn't know where you were. I thought-" He stops short and closes his eyes tightly. And if she wasn’t so pissed off she would step closer to him, rest her hands on his cheeks and offer any comfort she could. But he’s acting like an overprotective boyfriend. And he isn't that towards her and he always made damn sure it stayed that way. So he can't be upset. He can't-
"You know what, Oliver, yes you could have lost me. I left in the middle of the night and it was dangerous and stupid and childish. But I don't care. Because this," she points to the space between the two of them, "is keeping me up at night. You say you have nightmares? Well my mind runs wild trying to sort this out. I mean you can't be blind. You damn well know I have feelings for you and if this is some sort of game then I don't want any part of it. I can't keep doing this and pretend it never happened the next morning. I know it may seem like nothing to you but it's everything to me. And if it is nothing then it has to stop. So just," she takes a deep breath and attempts to stand tall, as if she's not quite as affected as she really is. "Make your decision because it's killing me."
He's looking at her painfully, his head tilted to the side as his eyes study her face. They're standing in the middle of her living room with the all the lights on and the window shades drawn up. The whole world is probably watching them but they're staring at each other like they're the only ones that exist. She's waiting on baited breath, hoping to God that he'll stay even though he drives her up a wall. Because if he leaves then everything will change and she doesn't know if she's ready for that. There's so much that she needs him for and if their friendship crumbles than she might as well too.
"Felicity," he says her name in a heartbreaking kind of way and it makes her eyes flutter close. He takes a deep breath and suddenly it's like he's everywhere. His hands come around her waist and his lips are so close to hers that for a moment her mind goes blank. "You have to understand, that this means everything to me, that you," he breathes, "mean everything to me. It isn't some game and I'm not just messing around." And then he pulls away. "Please understand that."
"Oliver…." The concern in her voice is evident and she could only imagine what her face looks like. She starts to retract, shaking her head because his eyes give everything away.
He breaks his gaze away from hers and he lets out a deep, shuddering breath. “I’ve let myself indulge in what we have between us and I’ve taken advantage of this time. I didn’t want to lead you on into something I know I couldn’t commit to.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, because of the life I lead...I don’t think it’s right to be with anyone I could really care about.” He brings her closer for just a moment and lowers his lips down to her ear. “That I do care about.”
She feels the tears bubbling up in her eyes suddenly and she can’t stand to be in the same room with him. It’s the words she’s been wanting to hear for years and yet they’re also the one’s she’s always feared. She knows he wants her to understand but not a bone in her body does. To Felicity it doesn’t make a lick of sense. Being with him wouldn’t change anything except maybe the looks from people at the office. They’re all-knowing smiles and judgmental looks. It’d be the only thing she’d have to fear. The rest are just excuses. And she feels sick to her stomach because he must feel bad for her. There has to be pity somewhere in the depths of those blue eyes because everything else doesn’t add up.
“You know, if you don’t want this then all you have to do is say it. I don’t need excuses and lies, Oliver.” She breaks herself away from him and crosses her arms over her chest. Her hands are shaking and she blinks her eyes rapidly in an attempt to clear them out. She doesn’t want to look like a heartbroken girl in front of him. She doesn’t want to cry. There’s a part of her that fights to be strong, to prevail through the hard times and this is when she wants to shine.
But it isn’t always so easy.
“Felicity, that’s not what I’m saying-”
“I get it, okay?” She hugs her arms tighter to her body. “I’m just an IT girl, nothing special. We fight crime together at night and sometimes it’s hard and we can only rely on each other for that. But I don’t want excuses. If you don’t feel it then fine. But this has to stop. Everything has to stop because I can’t be pitied by-”
Her words are gone, lost and completely forgotten as his hands come to cup her face. He’s bringing her in before she even comprehends what he’s doing and then it’s all over. The strength they’ve each been holding back, the need for each other, comes out in full force and Felicity wonders why they’ve never done this before.
And it’s gentle at first. His lips are a breeze against hers, a whisper so soft that it doesn’t feel like they’re touching. But she curls her fingers into his shirt and brings him closer and he loses it. His tongue begs entrance into her mouth and just as she grants it the tears she’s been holding in let loose. She can feel a few escape and stream down her face but she doesn’t care. He seems to sense them and pulls back, wiping them away carefully with his thumbs. His eyes are searching her face and finally find hers. They stare at one another for a brief moment before diving back in.
The second kiss is hungry and they’re all teeth and tongue. Her heart is beating outside her chest and she can feel his heavy breathing as his lips skim past her cheek and down to her neck. Suddenly her back finds the nearest wall and her leg is hitching up to hook around his waist. She’s still fully aware of his stinging words, his broken face and the fact that all her shades are currently pulled open. But none of that seems to matter.
“Oliver,” she’s not sure if she’s trying to grab his attention or if that’s all she can get out. He murmurs back a reply in her neck but she can’t understand it. So she leans back slowly, brings his face back up from her neck where she’s sure he left a huge mark.
Oliver's looking at her with glazed over eyes and she can see the bruises underneath them. He seems smaller almost as she looks down at him, still wrapped up around his waist. Her fingers are playing with the hair at the nape of his neck and she can feel his hands squeeze her hips. They’re just staring at each other, no words coming to mind. For a while she enjoys the silence, enjoys being wrapped up around him and it feels as if nothing else exists.
But then he puts her down.
“I’m not pitying you. I’m not playing you. I’d never intentionally hurt you.” He squeezes his eyes shuts. “God, please know that.”
“Then why-”
Oliver reaches his hand up to her face and frowns, his eyes scanning everything about her. “I can’t be the Arrow and Oliver Queen, Felicity. And more importantly I can’t risk anything when it comes to you. I won’t let you get hurt because I couldn’t keep my emotions in check.”
She honestly can’t believe him.“You really think it’ll be better if we’re not together? If we see each other every day knowing what’s happened, knowing what could be? Do you think your emotions will be in check then?”
Oliver grits his teeth. “Felicity-”
“Because that’s how it’s going to be. And I won’t wait for you, Oliver. There’s nothing I want more than to be with you but I won’t be alone for the rest of my life. That’s my worst fear. I can’t keep coming home to an empty apartment. I know you might be able to do it but I can’t.” She sucks in a breath and runs a hand through her hair. “And you know...I don’t want to do it with anyone else. I want to do it with you.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not ready for that, Felicity. It wouldn’t be fair to you if I jumped into something I knew I couldn’t handle.”
“And it’s fair to leave me like this?”
Silence stretches between them and Felicity’s head begins to hurt. Is it wrong for her to want something for herself? To want something she knew she deserved? All her life she sacrificed and settled. She gave up things to benefit others, just like her mother and a part of Felicity didn’t want to end up like her. Someone who lives alone in Nevada, waitressing at the local casinos. That’s why Felicity left in the first place, to create a better life for herself. And looking at Oliver now, feeling the heartache in her chest, she knew this isn’t what she had in mind for herself.
“I’ve tried to see around this, I have. But right now….”
She nods her head slowly, pressing her lips together. The tears are threatening to fall once again and she’s not sure she can hold them in any longer. This isn't how she thought things were going to go tonight and even though this isn't necessarily a rejection, it kind of felt like it. Putting yourself out there sometimes didn't pay off and maybe it's better not to know.
Ignorance was always bliss.
"Please leave," she whispers, so quiet that he doesn't hear her at first.
"What?"
She walks past him to open the door. "Leave, Oliver."
There's something building up in her chest that she isn't quite aware of. But when Oliver brushes past her, his large frame barely making it through her tiny townhouse door, she can feel it. The disappointment, the hurt, the anger, everything slamming it's way right into her heart. This isn't how she pictured finally revealing her feelings to Oliver. No matter how much she thought she wasn't right for him, a part of her always thought he'd welcome her with open arms. And it doesn't matter that he said he felt the same. He's still leaving and they took a million steps backwards.
He looks back at her only once and the emotion in his eyes is enough to break her heart completely. But she can't seem to bear it any longer and closes the door rather abruptly. It's almost as if she's in some movie, the emotion taking her over completely and her back presses against the wall. She's sliding down it slowly as the tears spill over into her cheeks, completely losing control.
Felicity spends the rest of the night on the couch, flicking through TV shows and watching them through blurred eyes.
-
He doesn't see her for about a week. At the office she's always busy and puts as much distance between them as possible. There's always papers in her hands and she keeps giving him that 'just one second' hand as she disappears down another hallway.
So he stops trying at work.
But the foundry is a completely different story. For the first few nights after she doesn't come, making up excuses about QC or her suddenly active personal life. He tries not to let it bother him but one night he snaps and basically demands that she come over. It surprises him to learn that she was already on her way, was on the phone with him actually as she came down the stairs. It nearly scared the daylights out of him.
Yet as she works it's almost as if she never came back at all. She works in relative silence and Digg keeps looking between them with a whole new sense of confusion. Oliver keeps waving it off as he climbs higher and higher on the salmon ladder. It pains him to see that she barely glances in his direction.
He keeps telling himself that this will blow over, that it won't always a be like this. But what if they really damaged their friendship? What if there's no going back?
A part of him doesn't really want to go back. Being friends isn't enough but he knows he's not entirely ready for everything that she wants.
He shakes his head, trying to break himself out of the damaging train of thoughts. His eyes flicker towards her chair, her empty chair, for only a brief moment before he turns back to his training. She's late today which under any other circumstances he would think it strange but tonight he doesn't dwell much on it. The past few weeks she's been coming and going as she pleased, some nights not showing up at all if it were slow. Digg would tell her as always it was no big deal and instead of insisting that she be there, she'd agree and tell them she would see them later.
But when Digg comes rushing down the stairs, his eyes wild and fearful, Oliver's heart plummets.
They wanted to hit him where it hurts the most and he supposes that there is no better way than to take Felicity.
As he speeds down the expressway, hands gripped tightly on the handlebars of his bike, he wondered where it all went wrong. How everything went straight to hell. Just a few weeks ago he was sleeping soundly in Felicity's bed and now he doesn't know whether or not he'll have her in his life tomorrow. It's funny because he thought by distancing himself from her, that pulling her back from this world, would keep her safe. In his mind it somehow made sense. The more and more he began to retreat, the safer and happier her life would slowly become. And he knew it wouldn't be easy but doing what's best for others never is. Not when it's something you don't want.
She means everything to him and that's something he never expected and for a while never wanted. When you let those you care about in, everything goes south. Things fall apart and suddenly it's not as blissful as you once imagined. Oliver doesn't quite know when Felicity became more than his IT girl. When she became more than a friend and his right hand girl. It doesn't really matter anymore but as he makes a sharp left on the street where she's being held, the question does pop up in his mind. It's striking how someone that seems so insignificant at first can turn out to be the most important person in your life.
He climbs off his bike, loads an arrow in his bow, and begins to walk towards the building where her screams resonate out the window. He only gives himself a moment to compose his features because once he steps inside he's the Arrow. Oliver Queen, the man in love with Felicity Smoak, doesn't exist. This is just another job; to save a damsel in distress. She'd practically roll her eyes at the label but it's what will keep him focused. Emotions aside, Oliver knows he can do it.
And of course, he does. He turns his back on the men lying with arrows through their chests as he scoops up his life in his arms. Her head his limp and she's covered in blood. He has no idea whose it is anymore seeing as his shoulder is bleeding enough for the two of them.
John's waiting outside, the car running and his arms open to take her away. For once Oliver has clean up duty and has to direct the police to the scene of the crime. He lets Lance know it was for Felicity and hopes it elevates some of the heat on his case.
By the time he makes it back to the liar she's stitched and cleaned up. Her clothes have been removed and she's changed into some of the workout clothes she keeps on hand. She looks tired and barely responds to the questions John's asking her. But when she sees him lingering by the door, his head bowed and hood covering his eyes, he can see the some of the tension leave her shoulders. John obviously picks up on this and walks over to Oliver, placing the keys to the car in his hand and wishing them a goodnight. With a hug and a promise to rest from Felicity, he's gone.
Against his better judgement, Oliver comes closer to her. His hands reach out and grasp her shoulders, making her look up and into his eyes. He searches her whole body, making sure every scratch and bruise was tended to. Not long into his examination he feels her grip on his hand, her fingers squeezing his palm gently.
"Can you take me home, please?" Her soft voice shatters the silence around them and he has to take a deep breath to center himself.
In that moment he wants to say a million things. How sorry he is, how much he cares about her and to forget everything he's ever told her. But he settles for a simple nod, a quiet "of course" as he helps her off the metal table where he's laid a hundred times before.
The ride to her apartment is made in relative silence but neither of them mind. He doesn't, however, let go of her hand the entire trip. Only when he stops the car to help her out do they part for a few minutes. He's shocked to discover, though, that it's her who rejoins their hands at her doorstep.
And then they are standing there, conjoined hands and all, looking at her door like it's the plague. Neither of them desire to be separated and as their eyes meet an unspoken agreement flows between them. Soon she's unlocking her door and he's following in after her. He's on high alert as always and scans her home before letting her in any further. He closes and locks the door behind them before following her into her bedroom.
She's already under the covers, head rested gingerly on her pillow and his heart aches. This is what he wants, this is what he's always wanted but never had the courage to take. It's exhilarating to finally understand what's been right in front of him the entire time. He realizes the mistakes he's made and the wrongs he's done to the people he cares about most.
"Oliver," her voice brings him back and he gladly goes to her, banding his arms around her waist as he climbs into bed.
They don't talk at all and Oliver doesn't mind. He takes his time tracing circles on her arm and burying his face into her neck, getting a rush as he feels her soft intake of breath. Everything points to her being alive and in that moment that's all he cares for. He needs her safe and happy and alive and perhaps that can only be accomplished with him in her life.
It scares the shit out of him to take that plunge, to move this relationship to where they both want it to be. So many things can go wrong that it makes his head spin. And the worst fear of them all flashed before his eyes tonight.
He can't lose her. He doesn't want to think of what he'd become without her in his life. She keeps him grounded, she reminds of him all the possibilities their lives can hold. More often than not he finds himself picturing the life they could have together. The family they could create. He craves a normal life, something that's only heard about in movies or books.
Parents who love each other.
A house with that white picket fence out front.
Three kids and a dog.
His heart soars at the image and although he's not sure what they'd be able to accomplish, he knows that whatever it might be, it'll be wonderful.
"Oliver," she whispers, snuggling in closer to him. "Stop thinking, okay?"
He lets out a breathy chuckle against her skin. "I'm sorry, go to sleep."
"Only if you do too."
"I'm right behind you."
"Good because I'm exhausted."
"I know," he says softly, his hold on her becoming tighter.
But she doesn't respond after that and soon discovers she's sleeping soundly. He decides to take her advice and closes his eyes then, waiting for sleep to come. Exhaustion hits him harder than he originally thought and soon he's fast asleep.
-
It's when she's perched up on her bathroom counter, weeks later, removing her shirt so he can take out the stitches that he says it.
"I love you," his voice is soft, hesitant even as he looks up at her tentatively. "I think I always have."
"Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear that?" She's wearing the biggest smile he's ever seen on her face.
He shrugs and can't help but grin. "I know."
But then her face turns serious and he could have sworn something like fear flashes in her eyes. "Oliver...if we do this there can't be any running. We're in this until the end and you have to be sure. I won't wake up one morning to find you gone, okay? I just...I can't-"
He's hovering over her, his hands banding around her waist, already shaking his head. "Never. I'll never leave you."
"You have to promise me." She whispers next.
He's already leaning down, his lips brushing against hers in the lightest of ways. "I swear to you, no matter what happens, I'll always be right by your side."
"Always?"
"Always."