Work Text:
Tsia and Emily had been staring at him for the last hour, and Clyde wasn’t sure whether to be annoyed or curious. He assumed they wanted something of course – they didn’t need this long to profile someone usually, especially not someone they interacted with on the daily; so it wasn’t that. He hadn’t done anything especially self-destructive lately, so he was pretty sure he didn’t have anything to hide yet. The mission had gone well, the unsub had been taken down, there were no civilian casulties for once…
“...Ravenclaw.”
he blinked at the file he was finishing as Emily finally broke the silence, confused by the nonsense word.
“No...I still think Slytherin.”
“he loves learning though – theres a reason he’s the default translator. Has to be Ravenclaw.”
Clyde watched Tsia tilt her head consideringly out of the corner of his eye as he turned the page blindly.
“He’s loyal too, almost too loyal. And ruthless. I’d still bet on Slytherin.”
emily heaved a sigh. “Sean and Jeremy weren’t this hard.” she complained.
“That’s because Sean is obviously a Gryffindor, and Jeremy is a Hufflepuff. You are also Slytherin, and-”
“And you’re a Gryffindor too, I know.” she nudged her girlfriends shoulder fondly.
Clyde tossed the file onto the side table and sat up, finally giving in to curiosity. “What in the world are you talking about?”
Emily smirked at him, knowing he had been listening to them anyway. “Tsia took me to see a movie last night, and we were trying to figure out where you would be sorted.
He arched an eyebrow. “Sorted?”
“It’s Harry Potter, sir.” Tsia said plainly.
He frowned a little as he ran the name through his memories. “Is that…” he shrugged, smiling ruefully. “I have no idea, darling. What is it?”
Tsia looked amused, and Emily grinned. “It’s a kid’s book, sir. About a wizard school in Britain.”
emily leaned forward sharply. “There’s four houses in the school. Gryffindor, for the brave, Slytherin for the Ambitious, Ravenclaw for the smart, and Hufflepuff for…”
“Badgers?” Tsia suggested.
His lips quirked. “Jeremy reminds you of a badger?”
She shrugged slightly.
“That seems like a...simplistic sorting system. For children?”
Emily nodded. “And now we can’t decide what house you would be in.”
He folded his hands behind his head and smirked. “None, because I’m neither a wizard, nor a child.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “Hypothetically, Clyde.”
“Hypothetically…” he pretended to think about it. “French.”
Tsia laughed a little. “Come on, sir. Humour us.”
“Ambition, Bravery, Cleverness, and...hufflepuff.” he considered that. “Hufflepuff.”
Emily sat back with a groan.
Tsia narrowed her eyes at him. “...why?”
“It seems to be the catch-all house, the one that people who don’t fit in the others get sorted into.” he shrugged. “I just do what I have to.”
emily threw a pillow at him.
“What was that for?” he sputtered.
“Definitely not a useless Hufflepuff. Something...grand, and important, and loyal, and brave.” Emily said emphatically.
He looked amused, and he knew she knew he didn’t agree with any of that. “You are the ones who wanted to profile me for a children’s books.”
“Ravenclaw.”
“I still think Slytherin.” Tsia said, getting up to get a drink.
“But he isn’t bad!”
“You and I both know that the generalisation of an entire house is solely to simplify it for children’s sakes – he is ruthless in his protection, and he is loyal.” Tsia said, almost sounding bored.
Emily crossed her arms and considered him. “...it would be so much simpler if you could combine houses.”
“sorting children by four incredibly vague personality traits at...what age?”
Emily rolled her eyes at him again. “Eleven – it’s a kids book, Clyde.”
He raised his eyebrows. “At eleven? What...personalities aren’t even developed by then – and you said one house is predominantly considered evil? At eleven?”
Tsia sat back down with a cup of coffee, watching Clyde and Emily with amusement.
“It’s a kid’s book.” Emily repeated.
“But an irrational-” he pinched the bridge of his nose and told himself to stop thinking about it. “Fine. I’ll take Slytherin.”
“Because….?” Emily asked, suspiciously.
“ah, darling. I’ll let you figure out if I chose it because of Tsia’s points, or out of self-loathing.” he smirked at emily and grabbed his file again. “Go get a room – I don’t care if you snog, or if you continue your discussion, but leave me in peace.”
Emily opened her mouth, but Tsia was already on her feet, eyes bright. “yes sir.” She grabbed emily’s hand, pulling her towards the door.
“This isn’t over, Clyde!”
He waved her off, chuckling at the both of them as the door shut behind them.