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Lily Evans would have done anything for magic. It was everything to her, had been since the moment she realized how to wield it, and for years before that. Even when it was explosive, there was no denying that it was hers. It was her world, what grounded her, and all she needed to keep herself sane. She didn't know what she'd do without it. It was the most principal fact of her life, really: Lily Evans was a witch.
But she was also a Muggle-born.
That was hard. She'd long since learned that the wizarding community was weird about the matter of her parentage. She'd learned it on the train, when a snotty pure-blood (she hadn't known the phrase then) had made fun of the band tee she was wearing at the time. She'd been quick to change into her robes after that. And it was funny, really, in hindsight – how soon after that had Muggle music become trendy in the castle? Now she and Remus were seen as cool for having been fans of David Bowie longer than the rest of the Gryffindors.
It wasn't just the Slytherins who were bigots. It was everyone, really – sometimes the people closest to her, by accident. Lily knew it wasn't on purpose, but she'd never been able to forget the time that she ran to her dorms crying over someone calling her a Mudblood. Marlene hadn't understood. Dorcas had been grim about the whole thing, and Mary understood in the way that only another Muggle-born would, but Marlene had just been been confused. She didn't understand what the big deal was, why Lily was crying.
"It's stupid," Marlene had insisted. "Why do you even care? You know they're wrong."
Dorcas had shooed her off then, and Marlene had apologized later, but it had told Lily a lot about the culture she had chosen to immerse herself in. Being a witch was hard, because she wasn't just a witch. She wasn't just the top student, not just the brainy redhead, not just the firecracker who pulled the most unexpected pranks of the group. There was always that caveat, that but – she's a Muggle-born. Even if it was a compliment, someone impressed that she'd gotten so far with nothing, she couldn't escape it.
In her first year, Lily had to study harder than nearly anyone else in Gryffindor tower – except the other Muggle-borns, she assumed, but she'd always been too afraid to ask. Do you struggle with this like I do? No, it was taboo. They weren't supposed to talk about things like that. But she'd spent hours in the library, trying to convince herself that the days spent operating on little sleep were worth it. She was magic. She was a witch. Of course it was worth it, but it was fucking hard.
That was when she'd properly met Mary MacDonald, started paying more attention to that roommate of hers with the curly hair. Mary was just like her, and nothing like her at the same time.
"Lils, what's up with you?" she'd asked once in their third year, peering at Lily from her bed. Lily had been reading some book about the Goblin Wars. It was always the Goblin Wars. She had long since noticed that what Binns taught didn't match up with the textbooks.
She had blinked slowly, trying to get her brain working. "I'm just… tired," she grumbled. "Studying. You know how it is."
It'd been an off-hand comment, but Mary had nodded sagely. "I do know. But you know that everyone in our year is intimidated by how smart you are, right? You don't have to study so hard. Take a nap." She chuckled, "Lord knows you could use it."
That was a relief, language like that. Lily never really got used to the way wizards talked about Merlin in their swears. It was a comfort to hear something familiar like a good old-fashioned Lord knows… She smiled slightly. "Thanks, I guess. I've just always felt like… I don't know. I know I deserve to be here, but…" She trailed off, looking at Mary to see if she maybe had an idea of what she was trying to get across.
Mary had sat up on her bed. "You work twice as hard as any of the pure-bloods do," she said, her voice right. "Don't let people like Severus Snape make you believe otherwise."
She'd stiffened at that. "Sev isn't like that," Lily insisted, quite defensive when it came to her best friend. She felt the familiar urge to hide, to back away from the conversation. She looked back at her book, cleared her throat. "I need to study."
"Sure."
Mary MacDonald had wormed her way into Lily's life over the years, a consistent and calming force. And Jesus, it was a relief to see her turn around the hallway on that stormy September day in the castle.
The weather might've triggered things. Lily wasn't exactly a hyper person like Sirius or Marlene, but she got antsy when she couldn't get out. Even with how large the castle was, she felt stuck without access to the grounds. There were spells to keep her dry, but the winds were what kept everyone inside on that day. And when Sev had brushed her off in the hallway, it was only inevitable that she'd start yelling. They hadn't spoken since the start of term, really since long before summer started, and it was driving Lily up the wall. It was easy to forget once he wasn't actively shouting slurs at her, to let herself miss the way things used to be.
She didn't miss him much anymore, she told herself, but she sure did spent a lot of time thinking about him. He'd been her best friend once.
While Lily was antsy, the rest of the student population was bored. They'd crowded around as Lily and Sev shouted at each other. It wasn't the Severus Snape she'd known. That old Sev wasn't the sort to brandish his wand at her, nor the type to defend pure-blood ideologies. She hadn't known him at all, had she? He was so easy to hate, now. She despised that fact.
Then Mary MacDonald rounded around the corner, and stopped dead in her tracks at the scene that lay before her. It must've been quite something, seeing Lily Evans with her wand pointed at Severus Snape. Everyone knew they'd been best friends once, inseparable – Mary especially knew that. Mary had always been cold about the matter, uneasy. She hadn't said anything about their falling out.
Lily had her wand out, as did Sev, but it might as well have been for show. Neither of them were going to curse each other. Not even a simple hex. They could have, and it would've been a spectacle for the history books, but it was never going to happen. There was too much history there. If they started casting, Lord knew they'd never stop. Both were smart enough to be wary of that. There were other ways to hurt each other, though.
Lily had turned to look at Mary, guilt taking over at the sight of her. What was she doing, fighting with Sev? There were better uses of her time, surely, and…
Snape looked over her shoulder to see what had caught Lily's attention and his eyes locked with Mary's. "Another Mudblood," he noted, his voice quiet and cold in comparison to the heat it had held during their quarrel. "This one yours?" he asked Lily.
"Sev, don't," she said with a grimace. It was just like the old days, with him saying something stupid and her just being done with it. The only difference was that he was being a lot more liberal with the slurs, really. He said that word too easily, like he'd forgotten the punch it once held. Lily was used to it too, but she didn't have the privilege of forgetting like he did.
"Why not? That's what you are," he said, but he sounded detached when he said it. That hurt, more than the slur, to know that he didn't even really mean it. She just wasn't worth–
"Lily," Mary said, standing beside her and taking her hand. Lily stared blankly at Severus, her brows furrowed. "Lils, how about we go?" she said, her voice firm and clear. She was pulling gently for Lily to come with her. Severus just stood there, not protesting one way or the other, which was its own type of infuriating.
She let Mary take her down the hall as students dispersed and Severus himself stalked off. They ducked into an abanonded classroom, and Lily collapsed against the wall with a heaved sigh.
"What was that about?" Mary asked, a frown on her pretty face. Lily looked at her with a soft smile, eyes catching on the freckles on her lips.
"Just Severus being a cunt. You know how he is." She said it casually, but there was a heavy thing in her throat that betrayed some sort of concern.
She sighed. "You should have just ignored him, Lils. I don't know why you keep provoking him."
"He's an arse, that's why. Someone has to put him in his place."
She scoffed then, shaking her head. "He doesn't deserve your time, though. He doesn't deserve– He doesn't deserve you." She sounded uneasy, a little bothered in a way that was hard to trace.
Lily knew she was right, even though she didn't want to admit that she had a problem when it came to Sev. She needed to stay away from him, to accept that their friendship was over. She felt a ridiculous obligation to keep playground promises in the middle of a war. "I can't stay away from him," she said, the word slipping out of her. She was friends with Mary, but they weren't close enough that Lily felt justified in sharing her most shameful thoughts like that. She felt sick at the idea of sharing things like that with anyone. "I miss him."
"You don't miss him," Mary said quickly, taking hold of Lily's hand again. "Believe me, you don't. You miss who you thought he was… maybe who he used to be. This is a different person. You're not chasing after your friend anymore, Lils; you're chasing after a dangerous man. An extremist and a bigot. And…" she huffed. "You're incredible. You deserve better than that."
The words about Severus registered, they hit in the way that true words always do, but Lily was distracted by something else. "You think I'm incredible?" she asked, a silly smile creeping its way onto her face.
"Incredibly incredible, Lily Evans." Mary smiled back, her eyes sparkling. There had been a lot of crying recently with the war, names and obituaries cluttering their minds as well as the Daily Prophet, and it was such a lovely thing to see a smile. Especially when that smile belonged to Mary MacDonald. She smiled like fireworks, big and bold and crackling.
Sometimes it wasn't so bad, people not being who you expected. Lily could appreciate that.