Chapter Text
Two sat where there should have been five at the long table of the Hooded Riders of Etheria. Their boyish companion was pacing back and forth along the length of the room, a worried scowl fixed on the silent communication device in his hands. “Still no word from the Dark Blue Rider. She should’ve been there by now!”
The alliance had been in the midst of their monthly visitation ritual to the kingdom’s beloved elder. It was a noble task bringing great honor to the Rider who was blessed with making the journey. After drawing the shortest straw and having only one minor tantrum, the syringa-scented Green Hooded Rider climbed atop her horse-shaped shrub and galloped at a leisurely pace towards the Whispering Woods.
When she failed to report in at the scheduled time, the riders bravely did nothing for a few more days, as the Green Rider had the habit of blazing it up and taking her high time about things. However, eventually, they deemed someone ought to go after her. Which is how they lost the Light Blue Rider.
“It’s like someone is picking us off one by one,” mused the Pink Rider nervously.
“This is why you never split up!” chimed in an annoying talking horse, heedless of the fact no one wanted him to participate in this story.
Still, as much as everyone hated to admit it, he had a point. They’d tried to send the two Blue Riders together, but the pair were in a fight over who was the bluest of blue and refused to team up. However, the Dark Blue Rider had been all too eager to go searching for the youngest rider when she’d gone missing. Some claimed this was only to prove that the younger girl was dead so the elder could claim the color blue. They were correct. When she fell silent as well, the two not-yet-dead Riders finally decided to take action before there were none of them left.
“I’m finally taking action!” the Red Hooded Rider with the dumb blonde hair poof shouted. “We have to do something before there are none of us left!”
The Pink Hooded Rider nodded in agreement. “Pack your bags, everyone. We ride at the crack of noon!”
The Whispering Woods contained the most powerful and ancient magic in all of Etheria. While it was easy to get lost in the expansive trees, it was also a wonderfully peaceful place. One could hear bird songs in the skies above, the gentle babble of a brook just out of sight, and of course, the grinding and buzzing of Entrapta’s First One’s powered chainsaw.
“Tree log 187 - Both figuratively and literally! Science may be my passion, but chopping wood is proving itself to be a great way to burn off excess energy. Not as good as sex, but I’ve yet to see any hot aliens, monsters, or werewolves, so this is an adequate substitute for now.”
“Hey you! Sexy lumberjack!”
Entrapta nearly fell from her tree at the monotonous call from below. She did, however, drop her chainsaw, which narrowly missed the couple on the ground below.
“No! My mustache!” Apparently it was a closer call than she thought.
“Sooo not that I care, but are you sure you should be cutting down trees that are like, y’know, three billion years old and full of magic?” called the girl.
“I don’t see why not!” Entrapta called back. As she shimmed down the tree, she noticed something familiar.
“Weren’t you just here?” she asked once she was on the ground, jabbing a finger at the girl’s navy blue hood.
The girl’s brows raised. “You saw someone with a hood? Ugh, does that mean she lived? This sucks!”
Entrapta shrugged. “I dunno! But she went that way a few days ago and hasn’t come back. And I would know if she did, I have a ton of cameras throughout this place.” She winked.
“Fiiine. Thanks for nothing, I guess!” the girl grumped as she climbed into a boat with wheels.
“You’re welcome!” Entrapta waved them off as a group of guards pushed the boat deeper into the woods.
“Hello?? Open up!”
“Darling, I’m not sure we should just-”
The Dark Blue Hooded Rider had already kicked in the cottage door. She stepped cautiously inside, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the dark. “Village Elder? Old lady? .. Grandma?? ” Shit, what was that old bag of bone’s name again?
Suddenly, two slits of red light appeared in the distance. What the fuck…? As she drew nearer, her eyes drifted upwards. Before she could get so much as a single complaint out into the room, a gleaming set of razor sharp fangs materialized above her. “You’re a-”
“WOLLLLF!!!” screamed the half-stached man as he ran back under Entrapta’s umbrella of mutilated trees. “Scary wolf! Huge wolf! Admittedly pretty sexy wolf!!!”
A sexy wolf? In these woods? Hot damn, it was her lucky day! Entrapta dropped her chainsaw from the tree once more in delight and scurried to the bottom, catching it the chainsaw in her hand in a very safe and OSHA-approved way. “What’s all this yelling about a fuckable wolf?”
“Yes!” panted the man. “In the woods! He ate my girlfriend! I think. I ran away before I could get a clear look at things.”
Entrapta slung her still-running chainsaw over her shoulder and flashed the man a thumbs-up. “I’ll take care of this.”
If there was a gorgeous wolf-man running about and murdering folks, Entrapta knew just what to do: she’d simply have to bang him into submission.
Hordak sighed wearily as he climbed back into the soft bed. The house he’d wandered into was very small, but he’d adapted and now barely hit his head on the ceiling. Yet another villager had shown up, but they still refused to obey his orders. If only one person would listen, perhaps he could turn things around for this miserable life of his.
His alpha had kicked him out of the pack when he’d caught Hordak painting his claws. He’d been banished to this pink and perky kingdom, but Hordak knew he could fix this. This was a land full of magic - his pack leader’s one weakness. If Hordak could capture one of the natives and bring them to his alpha, he’d be welcomed back to the pack with a howl and butt-sniff, he was certain!
However, nothing ever went according to Hordak’s plans, and the fragile little frills of Etheria would not comply, even when he gave his best puppy-eyes. With another heaving sigh, he spun in a few dozen circles before curling up beneath the covers. Unfortunately, before he got too comfy-cozy, his ears shot up and his nose twitched as his senses alerted him of another fast-approaching intruder. And this one smelled delicious.
Entrapta used her chainsaw to open the already broken cottage door and went right inside. There wasn’t much of interest in the small house. There was a table full of eyeliner and nail polish, a self-help cassette tape, and a large bed with a mound of covers. Covers that were suspiciously wiggly.
“Hellooo?” she called. “Are there any hot werewolves in here?” If that boy was wrong, she was going to be so annoyed. The bedcovers slipped a bit, revealing two massive ears. Entrapta strode closer, taking the bottom of the blanket in her gloved hands and yanking it off entirely. The most adorably giant creature she’d ever seen stared back at her with wide, red eyes. “Wow, you’re so cute!”
“I am not cute!” he growled cutely, hiding his blushing face in the blankets.
“Are you the one who’s been eating all those hooded people?”
“I did not eat any of them!” the wolf snapped, sitting up straight in the bed. “Well, okay, fine. I did eat one little pink moth girl who showed up. But I had glitter stuck in my fangs and fur for days after and I wouldn’t dream of repeating the experience!”
Disappointing, thought Entrapta.
“Where’d they go then?” she asked, sitting innocently on the foot of the bed.
The wolf sighed, ears drooping. “I assume they got lost in the woods. I admittedly was planning on taking one of these magical creatures to my pack leader as a prisoner. But whenever I began telling them about my tragic past to set the mood, they covered their ears and ran away.”
“Well that’s not very nice! I don’t have magic to offer, but I’ll listen to your monologue if you want.”
“You…You will? The entire thing? Even the musical numbers?”
“Sure!”
And so Hordak regaled Entrapta with all the things that he was talking about thirteen paragraphs up and how he would never be the powerful wolf he should’ve been. And then Entrapta told Hordak about how she was never invited to join the Hooded Riders of Etheria, even though she had a cool purple hood and a kick-ass robotic laser-shooting dinosaur. They spent the entire evening talking, and even though they’d only known one another for ten paragraphs, they had both fallen madly in love.
By the time the sunrise was creeping in through the windows, the pair had scooted dangerously close together on the bed. Somehow, their hands found one another, small gloved digits lacing through fingers built like bowie knives.
“Don’t my claws scare you?” Hordak whispered.
“Nah, I think they’re super classy.” Entrapta leaned in even closer.
Hordak scooted back. “But what about my ears? They’re huge!”
“The better to hear lab explosions with!” Entrapta chased him once again.
“But- but what about my red eyes? Aren’t they freaky?”
“Of course they are, and I love it. The better to light up dark corners with.” She waggled her brows at him.
“But what about my teeth?” Hordak snapped his fangs together to emphasize his point. “What if I eat you?”
A slow smile curved the lumberjack’s lips as she crawled towards him, practically pinning him against the headboard. “Not if I eat you first.”
The Pink Hooded Rider, the Red Hooded Rider, and their communal archer rode fearlessly into the woods until they arrived at the Elder’s cottage. “Shh… Listen!” The Red Rider whispered sharply. She had to punch her talking horse to get him to comply. Then she punched him again because something supernatural made her feel compelled to do so. The trio and the horse who was regrettably present leaned in closely to decipher the horrific noises coming from within.
Growls, shrieks, and moans of what they incorrectly assumed were pain arose from the husk of a home that seemed to be shaking from whatever unholy deeds were occurring behind its duct tape covered door. The archer tried to peer in a window, but the glass was fogged over.
“We have to get in there!” the Pink Rider cried out. She shared a knowing nod with her companions before the Red Rider sliced through the near-impenetrable tape with her sword. “We’re here to rescue y- oh. Oh my God-”
“No! Fuck, please, no!”
“Why oh why did I get laser eye surgery?!”
“Nice.”
As the four fled back the way they came with fresh new shared trauma, the woods themselves were peaceful once more as the newly christened Purple Rider tamed the big bad wolf.