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Gina Porter was upset. But maybe upset was putting it lightly as she stared into her boyfriend’s empty smile and blue eyes that she usually saw a whole future in. “...But tomorrow’s gonna be better, I promise, okay?” His eyes crinkled, but not in their typical happy way, and his smile was drooping; their future, her future, was bleeding, and they could no longer be found in and between his eyes.
Her future was bleeding into the greenery in the background and she couldn’t quite focus on his face for another second without seeing red or wanting to cry. Even as he hugged her her arms fell limp at her sides. Why didn’t he feel like enough? He was here, right? With her? Present for the most part? That was more than her own mother could provide at the moment, so why did she feel like something was… missing?
When all was said and done she was having a good time, right? Singing and dancing with her friends? Her friends , which is something she’s never even had before— she was the lead for crying out loud, and she was going to play an amazing Anna even if her life depended on it.
Plus, she was letting Ricky Bowen back in again. The catalyst for her all her changing, all her growing was back in her life. The boy with brown eyes that had been the first pair of eyes she saw all types of future in, not just romantically. They were friends again and in such a good place. They had moved past the awkward grooves easily, much to her own surprise, and while getting your best friend back and the lead role in one fell swoop sounded like a great thing in theory, in practice, it was creating a lot of complex emotions that Gina wasn’t sure she had the emotional integrity to handle.
Being that close to Ricky Bowen felt illegal. What felt even more illegal was the buzz that went through her veins whenever he was close. The way her heart fluttered, the way her knees felt weak and her stomach dropped to her feet whenever he smiled. She couldn’t handle her feelings that were more than friendly (that she thought she left in the past) for him without feeling guilty.
But what confused her even more than that was that she desperately wanted this relationship with EJ to work, even feeling some semblance of what she used to feel for Ricky as they performed together. She felt the constant need to push and shove at him; not because she was still angry but because she thought that maybe if she pushed at him physically she’d be able to emotionally and mentally do the same thing, but it didn’t work.
It just made her ache for contact even more; heart and physical contact, but she knew both would be wrong when she was dating EJ.
She puffed out some air as she sat on the steps of the barn, listening to her fellow campers chant Carlos’s name, not even having the energy to wonder what it was about.
She had painstakingly mulled over EJ’s words at least three times now, and she still couldn’t find herself believing them, no matter how much she tried to gaslight herself into it. “Tomorrow’s going to be better…” Okay, but how did she know tomorrow was going to be better? what about today, and yesterday and all the other days where his words never panned out the way they should’ve?
What about how he lied—
“Hey.” Her eyes shot up to be met with the eyes of Ricky Bowen. Brown. Full. Deep. She hated that she was swamped with relief when he broke the barrier of her overthinking with that simple word.
She couldn’t help but smile at him as he approached. “Sorry if I was a little… intense back there…” He shifted from foot to foot, looking as awkward, and apologetic and maybe even sad as ever. Sometimes he was just so cute. The way he had looked lost like a puppy lately was more cute than she wanted to admit.
Sometimes she thought he might like her, and the thought always came really abruptly, and at random points in time. She hated it. “No, it’s not you, it’s me.” It was her. It was most definitely her, and her mind was playing the same tricks on her that played last year.
Ricky never liked her, that was just his personality. He was sweet, thoughtful, and wonderful with everyone. No matter how he looked at her. Even if she thought he was looking at her like she was the only girl in the world, that was just how he looked at everyone. It had to be.
She had been wrong before. Oh so wrong.
But sometimes her mind reminded her that she really wasn’t as wrong as she thought. Not when their hands touched, and neither of them seemed eager to let go. Not when she moved away and he wouldn’t stop texting her. Ricky Bowen liked her at one point and in her heart, she knew that. It just wasn’t right now.
It couldn’t be right now, because the timing was way too off. So therefore it couldn’t have been him that was way too intense during their performance. It had to be her. It had to be her nerves about EJ and St. Louis. Her nerves about EJ, Salt Lake and Val, and everything else.
But then her brain gave her the sick thought:
Which of the two boys is right in front of you right now? Which of their presences have you been getting since camp started? Whose shirt did you brush with the tips of your fingers, the fabric so soft and his heart beating so hard it felt like—
“I don’t think you’re allowed to change catchphrases?…”
She laughed because even when what he said wasn’t that funny she found herself laughing. “Don’t get me started.” She smiled at him as he took a seat.
“A lesson I’ve learned before.” What did he mean by that? She wondered as she gave him a chuckle, because who would she be if she didn’t chuckle at a Ricky Bowen quip?
But really, what did he mean by that? And why did it feel so visceral? To be honest, she learned a ton of lessons from Ricky Bowen. How to be a friend, how to open up, how to balance.
She felt herself struggling to not open up right now, and before she could stop it, it was spilling out of her like a waterfall, mighty, and unstoppable. “To be honest, I just didn’t think my summer of firsts would include my first boyfriend… fight.”
It was gushing out of her, because it was Ricky Bowen, and she knew he’d get it, because he always got it, and she knew he’d know what to say because he always knew what to say.
She pretended to ignore the sigh accompanied by the large pout of his pink lips and as she continued she wrote it off as part of his dislike for EJ. It was understandable, no matter how much she liked EJ (because she had seen a different side of him), he had stolen Ricky’s girlfriend. She got it. She got him. She’d probably dislike EJ too after that.
She chuckled as she thought about her dilemma with EJ even more. “It's not even a fight. It’s like… a one-sided confusion.” EJ lied, and she found out. She hated when people lied, but her first relationship couldn’t end this way, it just couldn’t. She wasn’t a quitter. Trying was her thing . “First boyfriend secret, I guess.” More like a first boyfriend lie , she thought as she chuckled, and the word lie was so red and emboldened in her head in a way that her mind was having a hard time fighting off.
“Hmm… Yeah, I guess it’s really hard not to just say what you feel, you know?”
Her eyes left her feet and darted quickly up to his face.
… What?
As her mind processed the words they made no sense. The Ricky she knew had the hardest time expressing most feelings. On Thanksgiving, it felt like she had to pry more than she normally would to get him to talk, and they had already been hanging out for quite some time at that point.
When was it ever hard for Ricky not to say what he felt? His only two (and true) confidants for deep things had ever only been herself and Nini as far as she knew, and what did his statement even have to do with what she expressed? It wasn’t making sense…
As he watched her tenderly, his eyes turning to mush that she could’ve felt in her hands if physics would let her, she felt her resolve fading— her anger fading. “Yeah, I guess it’s really hard not to just say what you feel, you know?”
What did it mean ?
If she has been given even a second longer to stare into his eyes, she would’ve figured it out. But no. Their timing had never been quite right. “Hey! Break up the rebound, you two! I forgot something.” Channing came flying towards the steps of the barn and stomping up them before Gina's mind could assess the situation any further.
“Well then… I guess we should go instead and see what he wants from us this time, huh?”
Gina groaned. “I seriously don’t wanna do any more acting for the camera. It’s kind of been… wearing me out.”
Ricky sighed. “I get that,” He replied, still holding his knees toward his chest.
You always do, huh?
“Yeah… Do we have to right this second? Like maybe we can count to ten, and then go.”
“Oh Gina, I don’t think me and you and counting go together anymore, I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to find another counting buddy.”
When Gina realized what he was saying, she started giggling. “ I mean, I personally knew you weren’t gonna do anything once I got to five, but that’s just me.”
“I would’ve tickled you, Gina, but I decided to spare you because I’m a caring, loving friend…. to the other campers, I didn’t want them to hear your horrendously loud shrilling scream you call laughter and think I was murdering you.”
“Um?! My tickle laugh is not that bad!” She faked a shocked look as she got up from the bench.
“No, no. I think I remember your tickle laugh. It’s terrible, Gina, really.” His tone was serious, but his smile indicated he felt otherwise as he opened the first door for her.
“Take that back or I’ll tickle you right now, Ricky Bowen.” She held out her hands like she was going to and he laughed.
“Don’t don’t! I take it back! You have a beautiful melodic tickle laugh, Gina!”
She laughed out loud. “Okay fine, I promise I won’t.”
“Fine! As long as you promise, because we can’t have another after-school on a Thursday incident, I still think your Mom thought something very different was happening—”
Gina giggled even more as they walked back over to the chattering group of students as she remembered him tickling her up against her kitchen counter last fall. If you hadn’t seen the entire interaction you would’ve thought they had probably been making out as Ricky’s fingers scrambled her sides. Her arms had been around his neck begging him to stop, but desperately hoping he didn’t because that was as close as they had ever been.
Before she could reply Channing started talking to them about the promo shots they were taking and she was overhearing EJ whispering to Ricky about why she was mad, and that only made her more mad, because why not talk to her directly?
As she watched both of the boys mixed emotions filled her, but mainly she knew that she had to fix whatever was going on between her and EJ, because she wasn’t a quitter, and she would try to get this right as many times as this summer would let her.
She would try to get this right as many times as her own mind would let her. Whatever she had been feeling about Ricky as they danced and sang to ‘What Do You Know About Love?,’ had now been chalked up to tension and anger between her and EJ and trying to make him jealous.
Because if it was anything else that would lead to emotions that were far more complex. Emotions that she wasn’t willing to deal with right now because it wasn’t the time.
With her and Ricky, it was never quite the time.