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It wasn’t fair.
It was unimaginably cruel.
It was like some sort of sadistic cosmic prank. That— my Servant, Archer was him. That that stupidly, foolishly earnest Emiya-kun could become a man so bitter and full of regrets. That he’d become an existence that would never know peace.
And that Emiya-kun of all people— had bigger tits than me!
I know that you’re supposed to call them “pecs” or something like that, but I - Tohsaka Rin - simply cannot accept that Emiya-kun, a cis man, has larger boobs than me.
Sure, they’re not the exact type of breasts that I have, but tits are tits and he’s got them. Archer, that is.
And big too.
From the moment I summoned him, I’ve unconsciously noticed that Archer was… well-endowed.
Wait, what am I doing? Why am I bothering beating round the bush like this?
Archer has a pair of big old boobies. Humongous honkers, one could say. You couldn’t call him torpedo tits, though. Thank god, adding further three-dimensionality to them would make mine an even crueller joke.
At least they’re pectoral muscles, not full-on mammaries - they don’t protrude too much. He doesn’t have torpedo tits or anything, they’re just quite wide… and they protrude a lot too. They’re bigger than mine in terms of area, but I’m sure mine stick out further.
That sounds wrong, somehow.
It seems that in my dismay I’ve gotten all off track. But, as I said, I’ve always noticed that Archer was bigger than me since the day I summoned him. But finding out that’s Emiya-kun? I don’t know how to live with that. Just how the hell is a girl supposed to react to knowing the man they love has bigger boobs than her? It’s the type of thing that drives someone insane.
It’s disgraceful. It’s an embarrassment. That a man’s manboobs could be larger than my womanboobs.
On average, women have bigger breasts than men. I haven’t looked that up or anything, but unless every man in my life was well below the male average, I’m reasonably certain. And so— Archer’s big ol’ tiddies came out of nowhere. I wasn’t mentally prepared for the embarrassment as a Tohsaka family head brought my way.
We’re a respected family that places responsibilities onto the head. I have to live up to the expectations of my self-styled aristocratic ancestors. I must put on a respectable face for the world. I have to be a woman men and women alike look up to. And how can I now? How can I go on knowing that… fucking Emiya-kun will have bigger tits than me?
How can I even look at myself in the mirror knowing that the man I’ve loved ever since I saw him fail that high jump will one day grow up to put my meagre tits to shame? How can I even look him in the eyes?
On the bright side, I suppose that I’ll have some neat eye candy to look at when I glance down to avoid eye contact.
But still, I can’t spend my life looking away from him. Emiya-kun is a blockhead, but I love him nonetheless. A life of sticking my head in the sand, hiding from the way I don’t measure up means ignoring him, avoiding him even. That’s a life I don't want to live.
Maybe I could—
I could fatten him up. Make it so he never gets in shape enough to gain those large muscles. No, Emiya-kun wouldn’t let me do that, he’d insist on being in the best shape so he can be a “Hero of Justice”.
Well, maybe I could— I could, convince him to work out his legs and not his upper body? A hero needs to be able to kick and run and… stuff. I’m reasonably sure of all this. But knowing how Emiya-kun doesn’t like to settle for less than 100%, he’d insist on doing both.
Well… I could kill him and then myself.
It seems that’s the level I’ve been reduced to.
Goddamn it.
I— What the hell am I supposed to do? I’m just sitting here, going around in circles, but I have no solutions. Moreso, I cannot come up with a single solution. In fact, there is no solution. There is nothing I can do to change the fact I see in front of me, it is simply self-evident that Emiya-kun has big breasts. The future is set in stone. It will not change, no matter how hard I wish it so.
If there’s any consolation here, it’s that being completely honest, I have no idea why I’m even mad anyway. Tits are something that are simply parts of your body, they aren’t skills or techniques or talents - just naturally occurring body parts. There is nothing about them that should - realistically speaking - make one person feel jealous of another’s and especially not to this extent.
Am I just— that competitive as a person?
Is my irrational despair over his tits just another example of me getting unnecessarily concerned over some petty trifle?
Did my upbringing just instil in me a bizarre sense of perfectionism and some sort of strange complex around not being the best at something, no matter how minor?
Nah.
I can’t accept that.
I can’t - in any shape or form - allow this to have me in the wrong.
This is all Emiya-kun’s fault and he should be ashamed of himself.
I refuse to accept any responsibility.
I am supposed to be above all this, you know.
I have nothing left to do but accept this either way, so I’ll take the selfish, self-justifying option.
Archer has, and Emiya-kun someday will have, absolutely jaw-droppingly enviable milkers, even if there is no milk. I, a woman, will look like a board in comparison to him.
Crying won’t help me, I’ll have to face all this head-on.
Although, I have to say I’m taking this better than when I found out my own little sister was bigger than me.