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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The first thing he registers is the aching pain in his neck.
He isn’t of an age to feel such aches, and yet it’s the first sensation he feels as soon as his consciousness awakens. This was no ordinary ache, either; it was a prickly, heavy pain, the kind that he would get if he let his arms stay in a specific position for a long period of time. Lack of muscle movement leading to lack of blood flow, her Excellency had said when advising the troops, Gorou included. He could recall how many recruits protested that they always wiggle their toes when on guard duty, only to have a finger pointed back at them when they are always brought to the infirmary every few days. He thought about trying to tilt his head side to side to loosen his muscles; perhaps they were stiff from training yesterday.
… Or maybe they were too stiff to move a single inch. At all.
Everything else that followed happened far too quickly. He tries to move his head, nothing happens. He desperately presses his head weight against his left, his right, even above and below, all of his efforts fail. He couldn’t even lift his head if he tried, or maybe he was? The more he moved, the harder it became to discern what was below his head, what was above him, or even beside him. Was there someone pressing against his head right now? Was he being held against his will?
Open, open, open your eyes! All he could see was a sheet of black, dotted with multicolored freckles like the stars in the sky. Only he was absolutely sure that it was not the night, and he definitely was not outside… or was he?
Where did his sense of smell go? Where did the grass below his hands go? Was there grass in the first place? No, he wasn’t on grass, not a type that he could register anyways. There was nothing but wood, maybe concrete, something smooth but it was not grass. It felt hard, cold, lifeless, cold, smooth, plain, pain, pain, pain .
Where am I?
What time is it?
Lost, lost, lost, everything is out of place and yet in place all at once. He can’t see the sky, the ceiling, whatever was above him was gone, disappeared. His body has been scattered, lost to the crevasse of space, it certainly felt like space. Was he even awake anymore? No, if he was awake, he’d be able to move. He’d be able to shift his neck, shift his hands, shake his feet, stretch your limbs, sit back up, use your damn hands and get the hell up .
Do something!
Anything!
Move!
MOVE!!
MOVE!!!
The pounding grew louder, like tornadoes whirring in his ears, like the sound of metal screeching across another sheet of metal echoing in his head, but how can that be? Oh, it was just his heart, wasn’t it? But why was he so scared?
Why was this so frightening?
Why did it hurt all over him?
He can’t move, it’s over, isn’t it?
Can he even breathe?
His breath was caught in his throat, there was no way for it to escape. His nose felt useless, felt like a prop resting on his face, why was it even there? His mouth was closed, has always been closed, so no air was entering. Gone were the coherent memories of his men, of her Excellency’s firm yet concerned tone, not even the snickers of older soldiers laughing at their juniors. Those sounds, those memories , were all tossed aside.
He couldn’t think. He couldn’t think.
Why can’t I just move ?! Why can’t I feel anything ?!
Let me out!! LET ME MOVE!
He was trapped. In his own air, in his own body, away from all of their stares and whispers and gossips about him. Was this meant to be his rakuen , his resting place? Is that why he can’t move? Was he… already gone?
Find the memory, where was I last? Find the damn memory and remember and recall and shift and twitch and move move move MOVE-
Wait, why is it getting dark? No, I can’t go unconscious yet-! I can’t close my eyes, don’t close my eyes!! I just need to wake up… I just need to calm down… and move something.
My neck, my head, my arms, my legs, my hands, fingers, toes, something …
… Wait, my lungs. They’re still here, I can still feel them! They’re still here…
Breathe, Gorou… Breathe slowly…
Deep breath in… deep breath out…
Again… And again… Don’t stop… Keep going… Breathe… Calm… Still…
His breathing became consistent, paced more evenly. Focus on breathing, just breathing, and let everything else fall. Slowly, slowly, slowly…
Within minutes, the general found himself back in reality. Wriggling his fingers and toes, tilting his head to his left and right. The hazel wood of his ceiling came back to his eyes, the sheet of black with multicolored dots was gone too. Wherever he was, it smelled fragrant, like the smell of… seagrass and dendrobium bouquets and a hint of sunsettia. From dinner , Gorou was surprised he could remember. The sunsettias were a special dessert from dinner .
He also realized that he was actually right earlier; he wasn’t sleeping on grass at all. The wooden floorboards of his room were the only mattress that supported him during his nightmare.
His nightmare… Maybe that was an understatement considering that for a while, he couldn’t even breathe . Just in case, he very slowly turned his head to his right. It worked. He tried flicking his wrist. It worked. He tried placing his palm flatly on the floor, along with his left hand, in an attempt to sit up.
He almost collided his head with the floor again. Almost gave himself another reason to go back to sleep… if that was even considered sleep.
… Perhaps he should ask her Excellency about this.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
His fingers gingerly brushed the fresh pages, scanning every line, every word, scrutinizing each of their meanings. After telling Kokomi about what he experienced, she had pressed him with dozens of questions, the more notable ones being; how long did he sleep every night, what position was he sleeping in, whether he had a big meal before sleeping and, most poignantly, if there was anything bothering him right now.
(Of which, his answers were: ‘around four to six hours’, ‘i was sleeping on my back’, ‘yes i did have dinner’ and ‘no’).
It was only when she was certain that she could not drill him for another answer that Kokomi redirected the general to her private study, asking him to search for a book with the title of ‘Sleep-Related Ailments’. He eventually agreed to her request, though his heart felt uneasy. Normally, Gorou wouldn’t dare to enter her space, even if he was going to by her own accord. Yet the seemingly life-threatening episode he had last night had been bugging him far too much for him to worry about minor pleasantries; the sooner he gets some answers, the better.
His eyes soon stopped at a title that seemed to stare back at him. Sleep paralysis .
‘Sleep paralysis is a condition marked by a brief loss of muscle control, known as atonia, that happens just after falling asleep or waking up. In addition to atonia, people often experience hallucinations during episodes of sleep paralysis.’
The checklist in his mind seemed to be going wild with ticks. Looks like he found what Kokomi wanted him to find. He continued reading.
‘Researchers believe that sleep paralysis involves a mixed state of consciousness that blends both wakefulness and REM sleep. In effect, the atonia and mental imagery of REM sleep seems to persist even into a state of being aware and awake.’
‘The defining symptom of sleep paralysis is atonia, or the inability to move the body or speak. People also report difficulty breathing, chest pressure, and distressing emotions like panic or helplessness during sleep paralysis episodes. It is common to feel excessively sleepy or fatigued the day after experiencing sleep paralysis.’
Right on cue, he felt a yawn bubbling in his throat, blossoming in his mouth as he held a hand over it to excuse himself. Yep, this was definitely it.
‘Atonia is often distressing, and troubling hallucinations can make episodes even more disturbing. Episodes can last from a few seconds to 20 minutes, and the average length is around six minutes. In most cases, episodes end on their own but occasionally are interrupted by another person’s touch or voice, or by intense effort to move that overpowers atonia.’
‘Certain mental health conditions have shown a connection to sleep paralysis. Some of the strongest associations are in people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and others who have been exposed to physical and emotional distress.’
He decidedly shuts the book after reading that. Exactly why he did such a thing, he wasn’t too sure. But maybe it was because of the notion that his mental state was why he had such a nightmare. No one , he told himself, can rely on a general who stumbles and struggles to lead his men.
I can’t afford to be vulnerable .
And besides, he managed to get through this episode alright, even if panic had taken a hold of him at first. If he had to power through these sleep paralysis episodes himself, he would. He is strong enough. He can do this. He has to.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It happens sooner than Gorou anticipates it to.
Despite the mostly pessimistic outcome of his discovery, Gorou didn’t leave Kokomi’s library immediately after. Instead, he spent some time combing through more books, specifically the ones providing advice to have a good night’s sleep. Regulating sleeping hours, not eating or drinking anything heavy before sleeping, wake up early the next day, avoid taking naps…
All of which, Gorou had always been rigorously doing ever since that day. And still, one week later, it happens again.
The neck ache returns, prickling at his nerves, maybe even his spinal cord. Gorou would shudder at the thought if he could. Instead, he feels a harrowing numbness throughout his whole body. Every appendage that could have moved, now could barely move an inch at all.
Deep breaths , Gorou reminded himself. Your body might not be able to move, but you can still breathe. Just stay calm… regulate your breathing… Breathe… breathe… breathe…
He loses track of how many times he reminds himself to breathe, but the episode still passes without difficulty. Upon regaining control of his limbs, Gorou peels himself off the ground of his tent (again) and returns to his desk to log this incident. Beside him laid a stack of paperwork that a subordinate had dropped off earlier, before Gorou had his sleep paralysis episode on the floor.
He knows this is no big issue. After all, Kokomi’s books did say that sleep paralysis was not fatal. Still, he could feel a sense of somber in his chest, clawing at his heart and forcing his emotions to flow. Why is this happening to me? Why do I need to suffer this alone? Does anyone even care-
A slam of his fist against the table silences the voices, and Gorou resumes working. He doesn’t have time for this. He can’t afford to waste any. His hand writes the next statement:
‘Battle for Fort Fujitou - Casualty Count: two dozen soldiers injured, three reported missing, two dead, half weapon inventory lost’ …
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Things are always changing. This was something Gorou had learned during his years as a general. Even on a battlefield, the tides can always change, either to tip for or against their favor, and sometimes, that can be the one thing that determines a battle’s beginning or end. It was why Gorou always tried to keep his spirits up before any fight, just in case his positivity could be the deciding factor to their success. Every factor counted.
It’s no surprise then, that the most recent addition to the Watatsumi Army has greatly improved their circumstances.
The day they met, Gorou had been preoccupied with paperwork, reviewing the outcome of their last battle. They had been victorious, but they had equally suffered many injuries, and the infirmary was running out of beds. Just as he was about to file away the report, one of his subordinate soldiers poked his head through the entrance of his tent, informing Gorou of a new arrival at the camp.
His name was Kaedehara Kazuha, the last known member of the Kaedehara bloodline, and from what Gorou heard earlier that morning, he was on the run from the Shogunate upon ‘stealing’ a Vision. Of course, the general refused to fully believe any report from the Shogun’s army; they’d jump at any opportunity to spread propaganda. Perhaps it was a great opportunity then, to have Kazuha actually show up at their camp so Gorou could learn the full story.
Except, there was one problem; Kazuha was incredibly distant. Yes, he introduced himself without much issue, and if anyone were to ask him to do something, he would respond naturally. But when it came to small talk, Kazuha wouldn’t say a word. Maybe a nod or shake of his head, but that was as much as anyone would get out of him. Getting him to talk about the story of the empty Vision he keeps in his pocket was near to impossible.
Still, Kazuha’s presence has certainly helped them in their recent battles. The addition of another Vision holder was certainly a boost to the army’s morale, not to mention that Kazuha was skilled in his swordsmanship. Any time Gorou laid his eyes on him in a battle, he had to remind himself of their situation, lest he get distracted by Kazuha’s impressive footwork and lose his own momentum. Kazuha had clearly been trained since young; he fought with his blade as if it was second nature, each strike with extreme precision and a lethal intention to kill. Considering how he had made his way from Narukami Island to Yashiori with little to no injuries, it was safe to assume he had experience taking down any and all soldiers chasing him.
Whenever a new soldier joined the army, Gorou would keep a close lookout for them, just in case they needed help with anything. In reality, he wanted to build rapport with them as soon as he could, not only so they could get used to being around other men in the army faster, but also so that Gorou himself could learn more about his men. Understanding others was a crucial part of being a leader, after all.
That being said, Gorou had considered trying to get close to Kazuha once or twice, just as an act of protocol that he was used to. But after some time, Gorou decided to shrug off the idea until Kazuha approached him first. With how withdrawn Kazuha was, and how he technically wasn’t as attached to the army like most of his men, the last thing Gorou wanted to do was to make him feel uncomfortable and risk him leaving the camp one day without a word.
Also, there was the obvious elephant in the room as well; the fact that due to their lack of space, Kazuha had to bunk with Gorou in his tent until more beds were freed from injured patients. A situation which also meant that Kazuha may or may not be a witness to Gorou’s sleep paralysis episodes.
If Gorou was lucky (which he more often than not is), it’d be the latter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tonight was not one of those lucky nights. By some stroke of misfortune (hey, where did that falling rock come from-), Gorou was slated to have another episode of sleep paralysis… in the dead of night.
Having an episode during the night was much worse than in the day. When night fell over the campsite, almost all light sources had to be snuffed out after dinner was done. The only exceptions were lights for officials such as Gorou, and a candlelight in case anyone had to leave their bed to do their business elsewhere.
So naturally, when Gorou had this particular episode, it was in a completely dark environment, where there wouldn’t be a speck of light attempting to pry his eyes open. While his neck grew stiff, his fingers became frozen, and his heart pounded in his chest, Gorou was struggling to adhere to his breathing exercises as he did before. Maybe it was because of the darkness, or the cold, or a combination of the two, but it was becoming increasingly clear that Gorou could not calm down, could not keep his head clear from his worries piling on top of one another, echoing in his ears and essentially halting him from breathing normally, his mind racing with voices and sounds and feelings and emotions and stiff it all feels so stiff it’s so dark why is it so dark and cold am I dead-
An unidentifiable warmth found its way to Gorou’s arm, jolting him ever so slightly before heating up a portion of his limb. There is a feathery, almost-cloth-like texture to this warmth, with frays of string and material licking his skin gently.
It happens so quickly that Gorou finds no time to identify what is holding him. Instead, the return of some sensation has him resuming his breathing regime, and soon enough, the episode passes once again. His eyes soon flutter open, his eyes greeting the sight of the ceiling, and the soft but present sound of footsteps walking away from him.
A few seconds pass by before his tired neck finally regains mobility, but as soon as Gorou sits up to inspect his surroundings, Kazuha is already out of his cot and out of sight.
… Maybe tonight wasn’t such a bad night after all.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“By the way, I wanted to thank you.”
It was an awkward silence between them, right after they finished training with the soldiers and were having a small water break. Gorou had opted to sit next to Kazuha this time, hoping to finally break the ice between them after last night’s occurrence. “For last night, I mean.” He clarifies.
The ronin was quiet, a complete contrast from earlier when he was firmly instructing the soldiers how to hold a sword effectively. “It was nothing.” He says.
“I really do appreciate it, though!” Gorou immediately exclaims before collecting himself. Hearing Kazuha speak to him must have made him too excited. “Last night was… particularly rough for me, so I’m really thankful for what you did.”
“All I did was place a hand on your arm.” He paused for a moment to drink some water from his canteen. “If I may ask, what significance did it have for you?”
“You helped me out of my-” Gorou stopped himself before he could continue, realizing exactly what was going to say while being in close proximity to his men. Gorou knew they had good hearing, albeit not as sensitive as his own; he was the one who trained them to be alert of any sounds in their vicinity, after all. If they heard even a snippet about his sleep paralysis…
He soon found himself speechless. He can’t talk with Kazuha about this after all.
“You don’t have to tell me the details.” Kazuha says, sensing Gorou’s dumbfoundedness. “I… I suppose I should say, ‘you’re welcomed’ for helping you, right?”
Gorou sighed. Thank goodness for the save. Maybe Kazuha still wanted to talk to him after all. “Ah, yeah! Thank you again for that. I hope I did not wake you up or anything.”
“It’s not your fault. I have always been a light sleeper.” He holds a hand up to gesture his point, and Gorou can’t help but notice the bandages on his hand. Frayed yet intact… Clearly matching what he felt on his arm last night. “I am more concerned about you, however.”
“Oh?” Has Kazuha always sounded so caring? Or was it because this was the only time Gorou got to speak with him and he just so happened to be nice?
Kazuha settled his canteen on his lap. “You seemed to be in… pain.” He says in a grave tone. “Not in the sense of being injured but… more akin to being stuck. To me, it seemed as if you were trapped in your own body, and your body wouldn’t move no matter how you tried.”
He picked all that up just by watching me…?
“How could you tell?” Gorou blurted, now curious about Kazuha’s apparent sixth sense.
“The wind told me.”
“ … The wind?”
“It told me that you couldn’t move on your own accord.” Kazuha leans in then, getting close to his ears. “And that you have been experiencing this for quite a while.”
“ … How did you know-”
His words are interrupted when a recruit timidly approaches the duo, asking Kazuha for some extra advice about his fighting form. Soon enough, Kazuha returns to his instructor’s voice, and agrees to help the recruit a little more. As he stands up to resume his duties, Gorou catches his mouth moving, speaking a few words.
‘Don’t worry. I’ll keep this a secret.’
He doesn’t realize how warm his cheeks were while speaking with Kazuha, or how his tail had been wagging back and forth during their conversation, until Kazuha had walked away from him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Gorou, it’s not your fault.”
Those exact words had been running rampant in his mind that evening, the aftermath of conducting an emergency meeting after they returned from another fight, and having no one accompany him as he walked back to his tent. This time, they had been up against hordes of Hillichurl camps led by Abyss Mages and flanked by Specters. As if their numbers weren’t already intimidating, Gorou’s team was lacking enough soldiers to overpower all of the invaders, even with Gorou and Kazuha included. In the end, through grit and persistence, they managed to power through the battle, though half of their squad were killed or fatally injured as a result.
And, as usual, Gorou blamed himself for the grim outcome.
He knew it was a bad habit to cultivate. In fact, both Kokomi and his soldiers had reminded him again and again to not shoulder the burden by himself. But the thought always came back to haunt him; what if he was stronger? What if he had a better plan? What if…
It was impossible to keep thinking about the ‘what-if’s , Her Excellency would say. The only thing we can do is learn from our mistakes and give thanks to those who taught us the valuable lesson.
But how can you give thanks to those who teach you how to improve for the next battle when those people are already dead?
“Gorou? Are you going to sleep soon?” As he approaches his living quarters, a familiar face pops out from behind the tent’s curtain, those crimson eyes radiating with concern. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.” He replies with the strongest smile he can muster.
For the past few weeks, Kazuha had become a welcomed sight for Gorou; every time they bumped into each other, they’d spare a few moments talking about their day before parting and promising to catch up later. And more often than not, that ‘later’ would be when they retreat to Gorou’s tent for the evening, where they’d spend hours talking about everything and anything, until sleep took ahold of their bodies and they drifted into deep slumber on their cots.
There was a buzz in the air during their time together, too. No doubt things were changing between them, from their sudden but natural partnership in battle to how they lined their cots side by side in their tent. On that same note, Gorou sensed something changing in him too. His late conversations with Kazuha meant that he wasn’t getting as much sleep as he had planned to. He would sometimes take naps on smooth rocks with Kazuha to make up for their lost sleep. Sometimes, Kazuha would sneakily rob a canister of wine from an enemy camp, and share the beverage with Gorou in small, minute sips at night…
In fact the only rule that Gorou had established, and actually adhered to until now, was his rule about waking up early. And even that was slightly determined by Kazuha, because Kazuha would be the one waking Gorou up in case he was at a risk of oversleeping.
Needless to say, these days, Gorou was on cloud nine. Not only was he thoroughly smitten by the wandering samurai, but his sleep paralysis episodes had not haunted him either, ever since the last one.
But unfortunately, today was not one of those days when Gorou felt like he was on cloud nine. In fact, after experiencing that grueling fight with monsters, all he wanted to do was bury his face and shut off the rest of the world around him. It was only because Kazuha was dear to him that Gorou even heard his voice in the first place.
He let out a frustrated sigh as his fingers dug into his hair. I can’t act like this… It’s unbecoming of a general. It was as Her Excellency said; he had to move on. Gorou picks himself up and goes inside his tent.
Maybe a good night’s sleep will do him some good.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It doesn’t.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Gorou had captivated Kazuha since the latter’s very first day at the camp.
When he first arrived, Kazuha wasn’t expecting to make a connection with anyone. The true reason he sought shelter with the Resistance was to hide from the Shogunate before he escaped Inazuma entirely, getting away from the rising tensions of the Vision Hunt Decree. Forging a new bond with anyone from Inazuma was a poor decision in that regard, because who knew when they would see each other again once Kazuha left?
And yet, despite his rigid adherence to this rule, Kazuha easily bent it when it came to Gorou, the fearless and kind general of the army. It almost happened naturally, as soon as their eyes met. On the day he came running to the camp in the rain, drenched from head to toe, clutching his dear friend’s vision, he was greeted by a cacophony of voices and faces, overwhelming his senses as they asked who he was. It was only when a voice cried out “General Gorou is here!” that the crowd had dispersed and from the sea of soldiers, a dog-eared (and tailed) individual stepped forward.
Kazuha didn’t know it at the time, but that would mark the first time he felt comfortable around the general. And the feeling would only keep growing from then on.
Still, even though he grew more fond of Gorou, Kazuha never allowed these feelings to surface, especially not at the start of his stay at the camp. Yes, he’s bending his rule of not forming a connection with anyone, but that was only in his thoughts. If he didn’t act out his closeness with Gorou, thereby reducing any chance of Gorou getting close to him, Kazuha would be able to eventually bury his affections for the general and even spare him the agony when the ronin eventually leaves.
Of course, as fate would have it, there came a day, or rather night, when Kazuha was stirred awake by an odd shift in the wind. Being the light sleeper that he was, Kazuha hastily stood up from his cot, rubbing his eyes lazily as he inspected his surroundings. Strange, the tent seemed to be in order as usual. The general’s desk was neat and tidy, the tent’s curtain was shut tight, there were no signs of debris or mishap on the floor… Even the general was sleeping soundly in bed-
… Wait, no he wasn’t. Kazuha couldn’t quite see it in the dark, but he definitely sensed something… off. Perhaps this was what the change in the wind was trying to tell him.
He quietly got out of his bed, slipping on his pair of uwabaki that Gorou had graciously gifted him a few days before, and tiptoed to the general’s cot. In the cover of night, it was almost impossible to spot anything amiss, but Kazuha knew he could sense something emitting from his body. He only knew it because of his hypersensitivity to the environment, a sixth sense, if you will, that was bestowed upon him when he received his Vision.
To the naked eye, Gorou seemed to be lying naturally on the bed, eyes shut and in deep sleep. But to Kazuha, there was no mistaking it; he was in pain.
It was a visually familiar type of pain, too. Kazuha might have been young back then, but the sight of a man staying rigidly still in his sleep was something he bore witness to multiple times in his childhood. Specifically, his father would occasionally fall asleep on the ground with his back on the floor, and he wouldn’t wake up just by Kazuha calling for him. It was only when a young Kazuha touched his hand that his father would instantly wake up from his ‘dream’, marking the first time Kazuha had witnessed an episode of sleep paralysis.
Even now, Kazuha could almost see his father in the same position that Gorou was in; hands by his side, eyes shut tight, chest rising up and down rapidly as if he was trying to keep breathing… Gorou had never mentioned that he experienced sleep paralysis, but with all the signs pointing to it, Kazuha ultimately resolved to do the one thing he always did when his father had an episode; place a hand on his arm to wake him up.
But as soon as he made skin contact with the general, a warm and fuzzy feeling stirred in his own heart. He certainly wasn’t holding hands with Gorou right now but… He hadn’t really touched anyone, or allowed anyone to touch him since the day his closest companion died. And now…
He stowed the thought away as fast as he stowed his hand back to his side. Without another moment of hesitation, he turned on his heels and sped out of the tent, hiding behind its curtains on the outside just as the general woke up. Kazuha felt his cheeks cool down ever so slightly, though his bandaged hand was still warm from touching Gorou earlier.
He almost wanted to cry. Archons above, He realizes. I’m truly in love with him.
He tries to hide this affection, he truly does. Since it was impossible to change his living arrangements, Kazuha delved into other ways to (try and) avoid Gorou as much as he can, lest another bump of his hand send his heart into another frenzy. But no matter where he turned, it was equally impossible to avoid him entirely. Gorou was a general after all, a (wonderful) general who strived to be close with his men. It was no surprise that he would strike conversations with the soldiers in between training sessions or inventory checks, to (caringly) check on their moods and morale and (kindly) offer them advice should they need it. Kazuha had noticed how Gorou did this even with new recruits and additions to the army, so even though the two of them hadn’t spoken to each other one-to-one, he knew that it would only be a matter of time.
And, as he predicted, it happens right after the night Kazuha helped Gorou with his sleep paralysis.
“By the way, I wanted to thank you.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He should have stopped himself from cultivating his feelings.
Should have locked them away in his heart and shut out anyone who tried to build a relationship with him.
As a wanderer, it was ill-advised for him to form a deep bond with someone he was ultimately going to part ways with.
But as time passed, it became painfully obvious to Kazuha that his feelings could not be hidden for much longer. Like a once empty cup being filled with water until it was overflowing, Kazuha’s heart had cumulatively collected all the little things he liked about Gorou, filling it up until there was no space to contain his blossoming love for him.
And yet, with his heart was filled the brim with affection and then some more, with how often he and Gorou met throughout the day, and how Gorou would talk with him naturally every night as if they were already together, it was still too difficult for him to pour out all his love so openly. The furthest Kazuha went was sleeping side by side with Gorou, a suggestion that was actually made by Gorou for a reason Kazuha didn’t know, but went with anyway since it came with the benefit of watching his sleeping face at night. The ronin had already broken his cardinal rule of not forming a connection, but he knew self-control. And if the stars were aligned and the signs were true, Gorou was probably not well-versed in the notion of loving someone. Why else would he not be flustered when Kazuha rested his hand around his shoulder, or when Kazuha held his hand while leading him to smooth flat rocks for their naps?
Gorou wasn’t flustered during those times, but his face was certainly red, and his tail was certainly wagging back and forth. All of which led to Kazuha concluding that Gorou might (keyword: might) return his feelings, just that he didn’t know what it meant.
Probably for the best, he had decided. Better for Gorou to stay mostly in the dark about his feelings, at least until Inazuma was safe for them to love each other. With how much he had grown to care for Gorou, the last thing Kazuha wanted was to keep Gorou waiting until he eventually returned to Inazuma after the war was over. It was odd how Kazuha still desired to leave the nation even after acknowledging his affections, but maybe it was because he had already made up his mind before then; to try and reawaken his friend’s Vision elsewhere.
Until then, he would sit comfortably in his cot night after night as he and Gorou shared snippets of their day, and shared sips of stolen sake from their cups, hoping to preserve the memory even after he leaves.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It happened again. After a good few weeks of peaceful nights, Kazuha is once again stirred in his sleep by a shift in the wind. This time, however, because he is so close to Gorou that he doesn’t have to walk over to him as he did before. In fact, his sixth sense kicks in instantly, sending him the familiar signal of Gorou experiencing another sleep paralysis episode.
He hadn’t had any episodes for a while, so for a moment, the ronin is somewhat surprised by the sudden recurrence. He can only chalk up the reason being that their recent battle had resulted in grave casualties, and Gorou was habitually blaming himself for the aftermath, taking on the stresses of their losses by himself.
Her Excellency had warned Kazuha about this before, Gorou’s habit of shouldering the burdens of battle on his own. It wasn’t good for his mental health, she had said, but unfortunately it was also Gorou’s habit of just… not giving himself enough forgiveness for their losses. “Gorou treats his men like they are his family.” Kokomi had told him. “So even if there was a single death, nay, a single injury that resulted from a battle, he will still carry on the failure all the same.”
Kazuha thought once or twice about confronting Gorou about this, considering how it would greatly benefit him in the long run, but ultimately decided not to. That didn’t mean that Kazuha didn’t care about Gorou, he really did. But in the end, he was only a refugee in his camp, not a therapist. Kazuha didn’t even know how to get the general talking about his issues; how could he when Gorou was the one who approached him in dialogue first?
Needless to say, Kazuha was regretting that decision now. With how he was sulking earlier, Gorou must have been feeling so stressed out and frustrated that his negativity transformed into another sleep paralysis episode, evident by how his body was still yet slightly shivering, and how Gorou was, once again, sleeping on his back.
Just do what you did last time, Kazuha thought back to when he found a book about Sleep-Related Ailments lying around Gorou’s room. He probably got the book after experiencing his episodes. According to the book, and matching up with Kazuha’s own experience, another person’s touch or voice can help a victim wake up from sleep paralysis.
Knowing that, Kazuha gently places a hand on Gorou’s arm, just like last time.
… Only this time, Gorou doesn’t wake up.
Kazuha freezes. This isn’t happening.
His touch on Gorou’s arm swiftly turns into a gentle grip, as he wrapped his fingers around his wrist. When that doesn’t work, Kazuha switches gears and reaches for his hands instead, their callouses brushing past his fingertips. When had Gorou accumulated this many callouses? Kazuha’s heart winced at the thought of Gorou gripping his bow so tightly until its handle scratched his own skin.
Now is not the time.
Gorou still wouldn’t stir. Upon sensing that he was still trapped in his body, the ronin holds his shoulders instead (he was very, very tempted to touch his face; he managed to stop himself though), squeezing his shoulders at a slow pace.
No response.
Without thinking, Kazuha calls out in the dead of night. “Gorou?”
A brief flutter of his eyes. Like a lantern flickering with the last of its fuel.
Kazuha heaves a breath of relief. He can hear me! Keep talking, Kazuha, he can hear you!
“Gorou, it’s me. It’s Kazuha. Can you wake up?”
He tries to shake his shoulders more, thinking that it might jolt him back. Conversely, Gorou’s eyelids scrunch up tightly, and his teeth grit together, a frown forming on his lips.
Shoot! Did that hurt? I’m so sorry, Gorou!
To an untrained ear, they would have heard nothing but silence in the tent. But Kazuha’s ears were anything but untrained. From the depths of this ‘silence’, he could hear an oddity, could just make out the sound; a soft, sad, and extremely hushed whine .
Gorou. It was Gorou, wasn’t it? He leans close to his lips to confirm his suspicions.
Yeah, it was definitely from him. So the shaking did hurt him after all.
But what else could Kazuha do now? If he did nothing, Gorou would be perpetually trapped in atonia. And yet, anything Kazuha tried wouldn’t wake him up. His mind floats back to that book from Gorou’s bookshelf: ‘Episodes can last from a few seconds to 20 minutes, and the average length is around six minutes. In most cases, episodes end on their own but occasionally are interrupted by another person’s touch or voice, or by intense effort to move that overpowers atonia.’
He blinks. Six minutes…! Upon recalling such an important piece of information, Kazuha relaxed, though only for a little. If he couldn’t help Gorou from this side, maybe all he could do was keep him from getting himself hurt. He was a little uneasy that he couldn’t get Gorou to wake up like before, but considering their options now, he would just have to trust he was strong enough.
After all, he had survived previous episodes without Kazuha. Surely, he would be able to get through this too, right?
Just to be sure, the ronin lowers his head to Gorou’s bare chest. The general opted out of wearing much clothing when he slept. “It can get really hot at night.” was his reason.
It was probably a good thing, too, since now Kazuha could get a clear signal that Gorou was doing alright; his heart was beating in his chest, perhaps a little faster than it should be… Kazuha tries to interlock his hands with Gorou, to keep him calm.
A stream of guilt trickles down his chest. Was it pretentious that he kind of liked how the opportunity presented itself like this? True, Gorou was in a vulnerable position right now, and Kazuha really shouldn’t be taking advantage of his immobility, even if the former’s condition wasn’t fatal and the latter’s intentions were innocent.
But when would he get another opportunity like this? After pining for the general this whole time, and his day of parting inching closer, how long would they maintain this song and dance between them until their time was up?
In the end, his heart wins over his conscience, much to the disappointment of his morality. After all, if Gorou really didn’t like him, at least he would have a memory of holding the general as if he did. With that in mind, Kazuha sits up slightly, shuffling around his cot until he is as close to the snoozing general as he could get. With the unspoken prayer that Gorou would not wake up right now, he reaches out to lift his shoulders to his thigh, letting the general use his lap as a pillow.
As the seconds roll by and Gorou’s eyes remain closed, worry tugs incessantly at Kazuha. He should be awake by now, shouldn’t he? The book did state that such episodes would last for six minutes, but that was only an average; maybe this one was going to last as long as twenty minutes instead.
It didn’t really matter anymore to Kazuha, who had a hand placed on Gorou’s chest to regularly check for his heartbeat. This was clearly an act of guilty indulgence, that was clear to Kazuha, but him being the stubborn, freelancing wanderer that he was, he couldn’t bring himself to worry about the consequences. All he could think of was to enjoy this moment while it lasted.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When we first saw each other, you ended the eternity of my pain.
When the sakura bloom and nightingale sings his song, we will meet again…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The last time Gorou visited his family home was years ago. Before he was promoted to general, before he was inducted into the army, before he ran away from home.
He rarely spoke about his family with anyone because of the memories associated with it. They weren’t particularly memorable, for starters, seeing how his parents were generally normal people. Not helping matters was how his family had five children including himself, so in every hour of the day, there would always be someone being noisier than the others.
Then came the fact that unlike his older siblings, Gorou rarely agreed with his parents. Blame it on his naivety or his stubbornness, but he would never manage to reach a peaceful agreement with them, not any that he could remember clearly. With how this situation worsened as he grew older, it was only a matter of time before Gorou became too fed up with the recurrences, and ultimately left the household with no intention of returning. It was likely why he devoted himself to building connections with the men in his army. After all, he’d rather throw himself into a fight than relieve the times when he fought with his parents and his siblings only to not reach a consensus.
That all being said, he wouldn’t say that he hated being back in his childhood home during this dream.
Gorou was lying down in this dream, his head cushioned by something soft. Above him stood a familiar ceiling made of otogi wood, with a straw-filled roof layered on top of it. There was a distinct smell in the air, probably coming from the open windows that allowed the autumn breeze to float into the room. Even though fall was approaching, the atmosphere around him was warm and fuzzy, nothing like how the fall should feel like, and was that the sound of… singing…?
When we first saw each other, you ended the eternity of my pain.
When the sakura bloom and nightingale sings his song, we will meet again…
Whoever was singing had a lovely voice, Gorou decided. It reminded him of his mother singing lullabies to him when he was a child, before the storm of adolescence had torn them apart. He doesn’t remember exactly how his mother looks (it has been years after all) but given their unique ancestry, it wasn’t hard to deduce how she would look like now. Fluffy ears on her head, long ivory hair that he inherited from her, a warm smile, crimson red eyes…
… Wait a moment. That wasn’t… His mother didn’t have red eyes.
He blinks once. Twice. Blinks again.
Oh. That wasn’t his mother at all. Not only that, but what he just witnessed was certainly not a dream.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“You’re awake…!” Kazuha exclaims excitedly.
Saying that he was ‘awake’ wasn’t exactly true; Gorou could already feel his head throbbing and threatening to send him back to sleep. He continues blinking his eyes speechlessly; was it really Kazuha hovering above him right now?
… Wait why would he be hovering over him in the first place-
“Careful!” Kazuha hurriedly warns him as Gorou tries to lift his head, only to fail due to vertigo and almost plummeting his head back on his pillow. “Easy now, just relax. You’re doing alright, general.”
“My head feels like it’s spinning, I don’t think it qualifies as me being ‘alright’.” He groans, slowly raising a hand to massage his temples. “Still, thank you, Kazuha.”
Kazuha smiles warmly. “Of course. Do you feel better now?”
“I will be, after a few more minutes.”
He nods once before looking away, probably to wait for Gorou to recover. A new quiet settles between them, allowing the general ample time to readjust himself to his surroundings. He didn’t need an explanation for what had happened to him. Since Kazuha had appeared relatively calm, he probably wasn’t injured, and since he was still in his tent, he probably wasn’t in the infirmary. The only explanation was that he had another sleep paralysis episode, albeit it was one that Gorou could not remember.
“I’m quite surprised at how calm you are.” Kazuha suddenly notes with a tinge of amusement in his voice. “I half-expected you to react in some way by now.”
“Oh, no, I understand what happened.” Gorou waves his hand. “It’s like what you said the first time it happened; I’ve experienced this many times. It’s not too new to me.”
“That’s… not exactly what I meant.” His brows droop.
“Oh?”
Kazuha’s warm smile soon turns into a bashful one. “Gorou, do you mean to say that you have laid your head on the lap of someone else before?”
… WHAT.
The way Gorou’s cyan eyes rapidly blink for the upteenth time that night would have been amusing, if it weren’t for how the act in question was… probably inappropriate between two young men. Yes, they were close, and yes, Gorou was smitten with Kazuha, but that didn’t mean he could skip the tiers of their relationship like this!
Hoping to make this less awkward between them, he hastily speaks up. “N-no, I haven’t.”
The tension in Kazuha’s shoulders eased up upon hearing his reply. “I see.” So he was still Gorou’s first. That was good. “I’m sorry for acting out of line, my general. I only resorted to this after all my other methods had failed.”
It was partially true. He really did try other methods to wake Gorou up, only for them to render little results. Perhaps it was a little mean to hide the whole truth from him, but at least this way, Kazuha wouldn’t have to expose his desire to hold the general in some way.
“I… see.” Kazuha wonders for a moment if Gorou sounded a bit disappointed in his reply. “Either way, I’m… grateful for your help.”
“Of course.”
Archons, that reply sounds so stiff. Instead of the comfortable silence they had before, a brand new awkward silence stood between. Unbeknownst to either of them, they were thinking about the same elephant in the room, and similarly, neither of them wanted to bring it up.
Cliche as it was, they didn’t want to ruin the closeness they had.
In an attempt to break the tension between them, Gorou tried to sit up from his spot on the ronin’s lap, threading his fingers through his hair. “Well…” He started slowly, feeling the awkwardness rise again. “It must be really late. We should be getting to bed.”
Likewise, Kazuha gradually shifted back to his own cot, preparing to lie down. “May I offer a quick piece of advice, then?”
“Go ahead.”
“Don’t sleep on your back. It’s easier for you to get sleep paralysis that way.” He advised. “When you’re on your back, you’re more prone to being awakened by snores or sleep apnea, so it’s probably better if you fall asleep on your front or your sides. ”
Gorou was dumbfounded. Not by the tidbit that Kazuha shared, no, but more because one, he definitely hadn’t told the ronin that he was specifically suffering from sleep paralysis, and two, it was odd that Kazuha seemed to know much about the topic in question. “How do you know that?”
“My father had sleep paralysis episodes when I was young.” Kazuha explained solemnly. “I learned much about its symptoms and remedies at a young age as a result.” He rested his head on his pillow, though still facing Gorou so they could continue their conversation.
“Wow. That’s amazing.” Gorou beamed. “No wonder you knew how to help me last time.”
“I still don’t think I did much…” He muses bashfully, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly (even though his heart was racing). “Like I said, all I did was touch your hand.”
“Still! I’ve never met anyone who just… knows exactly what to do when the situation calls for it.” He soon laid down on his cot, facing his roommate in the same manner. Kazuha could feel his heart threatening to burst out of his chest. “Your father must be proud of you.”
Ah. That’s right. Gorou doesn’t know anything about my family. Of course, Kazuha could just nod in agreement and end the conversation there, but instead, he feels compelled to open up, just a little. After all, Gorou had been fairly open about his sleeping ailment all this time. A fair exchange seems appropriate.
It takes him a moment to steel himself, but he eventually speaks in a low voice. “He… unfortunately passed away a few years ago. I had been a wanderer ever since his death.”
“Oh… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stir up any memories.”
Kazuha swore he saw those fluffy ears droop. He really was too kind to be a general. “I appreciate it, Gorou, but you don’t need to apologize.”
“Alright, if you say so. I just… have one question.” He sounded a little hesitant near the end. Hearing Kazuha nod his head probably encouraged him to continue. “Stop me if this is inappropriate but… Did your father die from… his sleep paralysis?”
… Kazuha didn’t know if he should be horrified or amused, but hearing how apologetic Gorou sounded, he was leaning more towards the latter. “Oh, no, my father didn’t die from sleep paralysis. His death was attributed to old age.” Hoping that Gorou could see him in the dark, Kazuha smiled. “Don’t worry, you are not dying.”
“But… what if-”
“I will make sure you don’t die, Gorou.”
He says it too quickly, too hurriedly, all without thinking, with words that clearly denote anything but subtle hints of his fondness for the general. It wasn’t a blatant confession, that much was true, but if his tone was anything to go by, he might as well be professing his admiration for the young man already.
Though to his surprise, and probably in a complete opposite of what Kazuha was expecting, Gorou replies softly. “Do you mean that?”
It takes another few seconds passing by before Kazuha notices how his hand was no longer alone on his cot, now being approached by a hesitant and timid hand riddled with calluses, remnants of many battles. The ronin felt a lump form in his throat.
“Do you really mean… what you said, Kazuha?”
He did. He truly did. Come hell or high water, Kazuha didn’t want to lose someone like Gorou. Not after he had lost so many things in his life, and finally mended himself by caring for the general so dearly.
He couldn’t help but chuckle. “Will Her Excellency mind that her right-hand man falls for a wandering samurai?”
“If she does, I’ll remind her of how I am my own person, but no, I don’t think she will mind.” Gorou relaxes more after hearing Kazuha laugh. “But… this is something we still need to think about. Between us.”
He nodded. He already knew. It was the reason why Kazuha had originally declared to forgo building a relationship with anyone in Inazuma. One way or another, they would have to leave each other behind, even if they desperately yearned for each other’s presence. Not just because of the war, but also because of their own commitments. It wasn’t as if Gorou could easily abandon his duty to be with Kazuha, and neither would it be easy for Kazuha to abandon his escape from Inazuma to be with Gorou.
Their journeys were diverging, yet here they were, realizing their mutual affections for one another.
“And, for the record,” Gorou adds. “I might be the one giving advice to my men all the time, but in reality, when it comes to… love and romance, I’m the last person you want to get advice from.”
“That’s okay.” He responds. “We don’t need to go fast with this. We can take our time.”
“I’m just surprised you fell for someone like me.” Gorou chuckles pathetically. “I thought you’d fall for someone with more refined poise, not just a general of a small army.”
“A kind, sweet, humble and strong general, you mean.” He moves his hand towards Gorou’s timid one, slowly intertwining their fingers together. “And besides, I’ve had my fair share of mingling with nobles when I was young. If my lifestyle as a wanderer has done anything, it has convinced me that my type isn’t someone with ‘refined poise’.”
The comment gets Gorou laughing a little, making sparks burst in Kazuha’s chest. His bandaged hand feels warm, pleasantly encased by Gorou’s fingers littered with scars. He wants to ask so much right now, wants to know everything about anything related to Gorou. And of course, he doesn’t expect him to be the only one who opens up; Kazuha has his own fair share of stories that he wanted to tell Gorou, to entrust this lovely and wonderful person with everything that made up who he was, because he knows he can trust Gorou to protect his secrets as he will protect Gorou’s.
But it was far too early to declare such bold things. They need more time, a resource that, unfortunately, wasn’t available to them right now. Thankfully, it seems that neither of them minded this apparent loss. After all, it certainly had not conflicted with their day-to-day interactions that they had now, nor had it gotten in the way of them sharing intimate moments together like this. They still have time to forge a stronger bond that remains unbreakable even when they are apart. They still have time.
“I think I’m in love with you, general Gorou.” Kazuha unexpectedly confesses.
He’s overfilled with joy to hear the same words returned to him. “I think I’m in love with you, too, Kaedehara Kazuha.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It takes many months before Gorou can finally see Kazuha again.
Looking back at it now, the night of their confession felt so far away, like dozens of years had passed by instead of months. To blur the lines even further, the moment they finally saw each other after the battle on Nazuchi Beach, they both realized that they had changed during their time apart. Gone were the eyebags under Gorou’s eyes from the days when he suffered ailments in his sleep. Gone was the distant, sometimes empty look in Kazuha’s eyes when he mused the loss of his traveling companion.
Both of them had grown, mentally and physically, during their time away. It came as no surprise then, that their feelings for one another had grown, too.
Kazuha was the first to engulf Gorou in a hug just as the last few Shogunate soldiers made their retreat. There was no need for words, but he says it anyway. “I’ve missed you, my general.”
The fierce expressions that Gorou had during battle had long melted away as he returned the hug. “I’ve missed you , Kazuha.”
It wasn’t the end of the war. In fact, there weren't any signs that it would end soon. But it didn’t matter to them. They still have time together, and making the most of it was the most important thing now.
Treasuring each other was all that mattered now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~