Chapter Text
It starts like this:
JJ’s propped up against Kie’s headboard with her head resting on his lap.
He’s running his fingers mindlessly through her hair, and there’s music playing softly from the record player in the corner– it’s a product of her obsession with vintage shit their freshman year of high school, and even though JJ feels like it’s a major annoyance to get up every few songs and turn them over, she likes it, so he endures it. It’s what any good boyfriend would do, right?
The two of them were exhausted from an entire day’s worth of surfing together, only pausing briefly to make out on the shore before turning around and going right back to the waves.
It had been a good day, so as he listens to the low tones of Marley humming through her speakers, JJ knows that he should be happy.
School is officially out for the summer, he has a girlfriend who’s actually into him and not just keeping him around for entertainment when she’s bored, and he’s even been able to hold onto a relatively well-paying job at the marina.
All things considered, he has pretty much everything he’s ever wanted.
But something about it– about being with her – just doesn’t sit right with him, and he has no way to explain it.
It makes no sense– he’s been into Kiara for years .
He watched her pine after both John B. and Pope before she even bothered to look his way, and both times were painful. Her relationship with Pope especially was, because unlike the brief will-they-won’t-they she had with John B, what she and Pope had was real.
Stuff actually went down between them. Worse, because of his closeness with Pope, it became stuff that JJ had to hear about , some of it in detail.
He watched their entire relationship play out from the sidelines, an ache in his chest and a twist in his gut all the while.
Now, at least, that’s all over. She likes him , and it feels concrete. Real, in a way that he’s not sure her feelings for Pope were.
He doesn’t think she’s going to decide to be done with him any time soon, at least.
So, by all means, he should be happy.
And yet.
He’s just… not. His stomach feels like it’s made of lead, and his senses are going haywire, leaving him feeling scraped raw and chronically anxious.
It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop, but infinitely worse because, as far as he’s aware, there was never even a first shoe.
On top of everything else, Pope keeps pretending he’s not upset about any of it.
It’s unsettling, because JJ had been totally prepared for a fight, but when he finally mustered up the courage to tell him about him and Kie, Pope had just smiled thinly and responded with a faint “That’s great, Jayje. I’m happy for you.”
Somehow, it left JJ feeling worse than a confrontation would’ve.
At least if Pope had been angry– if he had yelled, or shoved, or even just walked away angrily– the two of them would’ve been on almost equal footing.
Instead, the boy had lied through his teeth before promptly excusing himself, leaving JJ feeling lost.
Since then, he had been unsubtly using every excuse under the sun to avoid both JJ and Kiara, especially any possible instance where the two of them would be together.
When the two of them did hang out, JJ made sure to take extra care to refrain from mentioning Kiara in conversation, but even still, the tension was obvious and uncomfortable.
It’s odd, the way that JJ didn’t realize how much time the two of them used to spend with each other until it wasn’t happening anymore.
Seeing Pope just about every day had been a given routine for as long as JJ could remember, so the fact that it’s now been a week since the two of them have spoken leaves him feeling empty in a way that no amount of time with Kie can fill.
As if able to sense his discontent, the girl shifts, tilting her head sideways to look at him.
“What’re you thinking right now?”
“Nothing important.” He replies, sighing softly. It’s not that he thinks she’ll react badly, but more that his issues with Pope feel… intimate, almost. It’s like speaking about it would make it feel more real and exposed, which JJ’s not sure he’s prepared for.
Her brows furrow in concern, and she shifts slightly, propping herself up on her elbows. “Hey, no, don’t do that. You can tell me.”
“Just…” JJ pauses, trying to fit together the words in his head. “I think Pope’s more upset than he’s letting on.”
“What makes you think that?” She asks, and for a moment, JJ just squints back at her, unsure if she’s being sarcastic. She raises her eyebrows and gestures at him imploringly to continue, and he realizes she’s being genuine.
The change in Pope’s behavior has clearly slipped under her radar, a thought that is nearly unfathomable to JJ, because how could she have not noticed?
He supposes this might be one of the reasons the two of them didn’t work out– if she doesn’t notice such a drastic change in behavior, who knows what else might’ve slipped through the cracks?
Then again, Pope hasn’t exactly been known to notice little things about her either. JJ remembers vividly one conversation where the boy had admitted that he was never able to remember her work schedule. At the time, JJ had made fun of him; Kiara had worked the same hours every week for months by that point, so it was harder not to know it than to be unaware of it.
Looking back, the memory is more confusing than anything– if their relationship was as casual as it seemed, why does Pope care so much now ?
“It’s obvious. He keeps saying that he’s not mad, but he’s been avoiding me like crazy, and when we do talk, it’s like he’s trying to get away from me as fast as he possibly can.”
She shakes her head dismissively, her shoulders losing some of their tension. “He’ll come around, he always does. Just give it some time,” she responds easily, as if anything about this situation is that simple.
JJ wishes it could be as easy for him as it appears to be for her. “How can you be so sure?”
She rolls her eyes deeply, and he knows her well enough to tell that she thinks he’s being ridiculous.
“I’m his friend too, you know. I dated him, Jay, in case you forgot.”
JJ forces himself to laugh lightly, though the tightness in his chest has only worsened.
As if he could forget that. Like their relationship wasn’t a selfishly impossible time for him, like he didn’t lay awake at night trying to convince himself that he could be okay with it, like seeing them so much as holding hands didn’t make his gut churn.
Like hearing Pope describe the things they had done together– things that JJ hasn’t, can’t , bring himself to do with her now, for reasons he can’t put words to– hadn’t made him sick to his stomach for weeks.
“Do you have any idea how many times he avoided me until he could figure out what he wanted to say?” She plows on, and again, JJ refrains from responding honestly.
Because the truthful answer to that question is that no, he doesn’t. Pope has never avoided him before, and he certainly hasn’t ever seemed to have trouble just saying what’s on his mind.
This is uncharted territory for JJ, and he’s getting more lost every second.
“Plus, you know how he is– he overthinks everything. He’s, like, a professional at getting into his own head.” Kie finally finishes, having now fully sat up to face JJ.
He hums noncommittally, trying once again to get his thoughts in order.
“I know, I know. It’s just hard. We never fight, not like this.”
Kie smiles softly, clearly satisfied with where the conversation has ended up. “I’m sure he’s missing you just as much as you’re missing him. Just keep trying, he’ll cave eventually.”
JJ smiles tightly back at her. “You’re probably right.” He says teasingly, watching her soft smile grow into a pleased grin.
“I always am.” She laughs, and JJ laughs too, even if it is somewhat forced.
Eventually, Kie leans in for a kiss, and JJ meets her halfway, and on the surface, all is well.
When he pulls away just a few moments later, he does so with the reasonable excuse of needing to turn over the record. She doesn’t question it, even though it marks the first time he’s switched it over without complaining all day.
He leaves soon after that, and if he walks away with an even tighter chest, an even more churned stomach, and an even heavier sense of wrongness, well.
That has nothing to do with anything.
And if upstairs, laying in her bed, Kiara feels the exact same way?
If she’s just as familiar with the wrongness of it all as he is, if she’s just as relieved by his meager excuse with the record, and if her mind is on a certain blonde girl just as often as JJ’s is on Pope?
Well.
That’s nobody’s business but her own.