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Hyunjin woke with a jolt as cool air chilled his sweat-covered skin that was freshly exposed from the sheet that had been tossed aside during his nightmare-induced thrashing.
He sat up and ran a hand through his shoulder-length, brown hair. His roommates were still sleeping soundly. The room around him was alarmingly quiet, he noticed. He didn’t like it. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly, rocking his body back and forth as he tried to shake the bad dream from his mind.
He tried to breathe deeply, but it came out unsteady. He closed his eyes and dug his fingernails into his calf muscles before reaching out for his phone.
He texted the one person who could steady him at that moment. The person who’s face he saw every morning when he woke. The person who made him smile the most of anyone in the world.
His Innie.
You awake?
Hyunjin knew he wasn’t awake. I.N slept fairly well compared to the rest of the guys. But, maybe the text would stir him?
I need you Innie
He waited, but there was no answer. I.N slept.
Hyunjin stared at the phone, an ache in his chest. He didn’t want to be selfish and wake up the younger man, but he also knew if he admitted he struggled and didn’t go to him, Jeongin would be upset. He always told him, “Come to me with your worries. It doesn’t matter when. Come to me.”
Hyunjin swallowed and placed his phone facedown on his pillow before crawling out of his lower bunk bed. He slipped on a zip-up hoodie, slid his feet into his fuzzy, purple slippers, and walked toward the door.
I.N was in the room across the hall. Hyunjin worried he might inadvertently wake I.N’s roommate, so he gently opened the door and waited and listened. No one stirred, so he entered and softly padded over to I.N’s raised bunk bed. He heard the young man’s snoring and chuckled softly.
The indicator light on I.N’s phone flashed, catching Hyunjin’s attention. He flipped the phone over, so it wouldn’t wake Hannie, I.N’s roommate.
He reached out and placed his hand on I.N’s chest, letting the weight of it rise and fall with I.N’s breathing. The soft rumbles of his snoring made Hyunjin smile. He slid his hand up and rested it on I.N’s neck, knowing it would wake him. I.N was incredibly sensitive and ticklish and would never sleep through someone touching him like that.
Sure enough, the man’s face scrunched and his snoring hitched. I.N’s hand flew up to shew away the thing that was annoying him before he opened his eyes, but as soon as his deep brown eyes saw Hyunjin, he smiled and stopped pushing the hand away, instead opting to wrap his fingers around Hyunjin’s wrist.
“Hi,” I.N said drowsily.
“Hi,” Hyunjin whispered back.
“What are you doing waking me up? Usually it’s the other way around,” I.N whispered with a smirk as he rolled and sat up, his hand still in contact with Hyunjin’s arm. As he sat up, his hand slid from the other man’s wrist to his hand, both falling into I.N’s lap.
“Nightmare.”
“Oh?” I.N’s eyes grew wide with concern. He squeezed Hyunjin’s hand and reached out and ran his other hand through Hyunjin’s hair and caressed his temple with his thumb. This type of affection wasn’t something I.N showed in public, at least not overtly, but he was different with Hyunjin when they were alone. He liked to keep it private, away from the cameras. Only for them.
Hyunjin closed his eyes and leaned into the hand on his head and after a moment, he tugged on I.N’s hand that held his, beckoning him to come with him. I.N obeyed without a word.
I.N grabbed his phone, his own hoodie, and a pair of socks and then followed Hyunjin out the door and down the hallway.
“You should invest in fuzzy slippers,” Hyunjin whispered, wrapping his arms around I.N’s body as they walked down the hall.
“Not really my style, Hyunjinnie,” I.N giggled. He only omitted the ‘hyung’ in private. Around the other guys, he used the honorifics. But when they were alone, Hyunjin told him he didn’t need to call him hyung. They dropped it the year before when their relationship had grown deeper and more intimate. It felt a bit strange to call him hyung when they were intimate, actually, so I.N was glad when Hyunjin had suggested he stop using it. It definitely went against the cultural standard, but it felt right for them. Hyunjin usually just called him Innie or Jeongin in private. He chuckled, thinking about how horrified his parents would be to know that he didn't use 'hyung' with Hyunjin in private. They'd probably be more horrified at his lack of use of honorifics than they were when they found out he was gay and had a boyfriend. And they were pretty shocked about that point. They still were, to be honest.
Hyunjin looked over at him, having felt the small chuckle in his chest, "What's funny?"
"Oh, I just thought of how my parents would probably smack me and tell me to be more respectful and call my boyfriend 'hyung', but then be horrified that they just admitted you're my boyfriend," I.N whispered with a wink and a smirk.
Hyunjin snorted in response and softly slapped the other man in the stomach, "Innie!" he whispered with a smirk.
At the end of the hall, they both peeked to see if anyone from the other room was awake, but no one else was around. It seemed they were the only two awake in the dorm that night. Relieved, they walked quietly into the common room and Jeongin sat on the couch to put on his socks and hoodie.
“Want to watch a movie?” he asked the long-haired man who stood in front of him, rocking back and forth on his heels.
“Eh,” Hyunjin mumbled, gazing off into the darkness of the room, his fingers intertwined with I.N’s.
I.N stood and nuzzled his face into Hyunjin’s neck as he gently swayed their interlocked arms, “What do you need?” he whispered.
Hyunjin leaned into the affection, closing his eyes. They stood that way for a while before I.N finally broke the embrace.
“C’mon,” he said, pulling on Hyunjin’s arm with a smile. He pulled him toward the kitchen, softly closing the door behind them so they didn’t wake anyone else in the house.
“What are we doing? Are we going to cook at two in the morning?” Hyunjin asked with a raised eyebrow.
I.N chuckled, “No, no. We’ll make some tea. It will warm the soul. And we can talk in here,” I.N said. Hyunjin smiled. I.N was right, the third bedroom was directly off the common room. Though the occupants of that room slept pretty soundly, there was a possibility they could wake them. The kitchen was, in fact, the best room to go to contain sound. It was entirely enclosed, although by a glass wall and door, so not very private. But, they could have a conversation and not worry about waking the others.
I.N set about heating water in the tea kettle while Hyunjin browsed for something on I.N’s phone.
“What are you looking for? Do you think I’m hiding something from you?” I.N joked. Hyunjin knew his passcode and I.N knew Hyunjin’s. They didn’t hide anything from each other, so the comment was ignored for the joke it was.
“I’m looking up a song."
“Oh? What song?” I.N asked, walking over to peer at the phone over Hyunjin’s shoulder. He hooked his arm around Hyunjin’s waist and rested his hand on the other man’s stomach, rubbing circles with this thumb.
“Ah, here. It’s in English. Can you understand all these lyrics?” Hyunjin showed him the lyrics, knowing I.N’s English wasn’t as strong as Hyunjin’s. I.N took the phone and read the lyrics.
“Yes, I understand them all,” he said, “That’s very pretty.” I.N and Hyunjin locked eyes for a moment before Hyunjin spoke.
“I dedicate it to you. That song says what I want to say,” Hyunjin admitted.
“Ah, Hyunjin,” I.N whispered, moved by the sentiment. I.N found himself at a loss for words. He swallowed and looked down, trying to compose himself.
“We can listen to it,” Hyunjin suggested, reaching up to fix I.N’s messy bed hair.
I.N looked up and nodded at Hyunjin, a serious, intense look in his eyes. He quickly reached back and turned off the tea kettle so it wouldn’t interrupt them.
“No tea?”
“Later.”
Hyunjin smiled softly and tapped play as I.N settled back at his side. Hyunjin hooked his arm around I.N’s waist this time and leaned his head on the other man’s shoulder. I.N could feel his soft hair on his skin and it drove him crazy in such a good way. He wished they could be this close all the time. That they didn’t have to be careful in front of the cameras. He wished the world was different and they could just BE.
The song began with a soft guitar and a solo voice.
You gave me a shoulder when I needed it
You showed me love when I wasn’t feeling it
You helped me fight when I was giving in
You made me laugh when I was losing it
I.N thought about all the trials that 2021 had already brought to them and how the battle still raged on. Hyunjin was doing better - his mental and emotional state was much improved but not where he used to be. It had been two months already and it would be at least as many more before life was any semblance of normal again. Would it be normal again? Or would this always hang over him? I.N was angry and tired and frustrated. Hyunjin was the kindest and most pure person he knew. For such a person to have to endure such a trial was horrible. He had been accused of bullying, but in all honesty - he was the one being bullied at this point. The amount of vile hatred and ugliness that spewed from the Internet in the past few months shocked I.N. Or maybe it didn’t. Either way, he was disgusted. He just wanted to rewind and make the world right again.
‘Cause you are, you are
The reason why I’m still hanging on
‘Cause you are, you are
The reason why my head is still above water
And if could, I’d get you the moon and give it to you
And if death was coming for you
I’d give my life for you
I.N could feel Hyunjin’s tears on his shoulder. Oh Hyunjin, I’d give YOU the moon, if I could. I’d die for YOU. Don’t you understand? I’d make this all go away, if I could, I.N thought to himself, his heart breaking.
The knowledge that Hyunjin was so broken that he nearly lost his way was the worst thing I.N had ever experienced. He’d never lost anyone in his young life. Seeing Hyunjin without hope, refusing to eat, unable to get out of bed - I.N was terrified. He couldn’t lose Hyunjin.
But, I.N discovered something about himself during all of this. His courage. He’d never felt brave before. But, he had stood there, looking down at his beloved Hyunjin, struggling to survive an onslaught of hatred, and he knew he wouldn’t back down. He’d do whatever he needed to do.
It didn’t mean he wasn’t in pain. I.N certainly went through his own rollercoaster of emotions over the previous two months. But the other guys had been so comforting to him. They knew exactly what he needed.
He felt like he had grown 5 years in the past two months. It was such a strange feeling.
The song ended. I.N reached down and hit play again and then pulled Hyunjin into an embrace so they could slow dance. I.N leaned in and kissed Hyunjin’s cheek, “I love you.”
“I love you,” Hyunjin whispered back, resting his head on I.N’s shoulder, curling his body until he was a small thing, folded tightly in I.N’s arms.
“You’re safe here,” I.N said, reminding him that nothing bad could get to him in the dorm or with the other guys.
“Exactly here,” Hyunjin mumbled. I.N’s heart skipped.
They swayed silently, wrapped up together, until the song ended again. Hyunjin tapped play without a word.
I.N chuckled, “Have we found our song, Hyunjin?”
Hyunjin looked up at his boyfriend with glassy, dark brown eyes, “Oh, maybe? Is it what you want?” He tilted his head and searched I.N’s expressions.
“Hyunjin, I feel all these things for you too,” I.N smiled as they continued to sway in the middle of the kitchen, “And if could, I’d get you the moon and give it to you. And if death was coming for you. I’d give my life for you.” I.N sang along with the song, causing Hyunjin’s tears to flow again.
They put the song on repeat and danced to it over and over, losing track of how many times. Eventually, they wandered back to Hyunjin’s room and curled up together in his bunk and fell asleep, still listening to the song on repeat through a shared pair of earphones.
Tea was forgotten. They found something warmer for their souls.